38 Authenticity, People Pleasing & Internal Family Systems
It’s not easy, losing friendships. It’s not easy having really like relationship changing, or possibly relationship ending conversation with someone. But what I do know is that when you’re leading from a place of self energy, you have this inner knowing that I’m going to be okay anyways. This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello, my friends, we are going to talk about authenticity today. And a little bit emotional about this one, I have to say, some recent conversations that I’ve had with people and changes in some of my close friendships that have been really challenging. But it’s also given me some, you know, some insight and some clarity that I really want to share with you. So I hope that you will appreciate it and get a lot out of this episode. I also want to just share the podcast is officially in the top 1.5% right now of all podcasts globally, which is really, really cool. Given that I’m only about eight months into this journey, I really loved the podcast, I appreciate all of you so much for listening and for spreading the word. And for leaving ratings and reviews, I’ve met really incredible people, you know, the different guests that I’ve had on, it’s really fun connecting with other creators and being inspired by them and learning from them. And hopefully helping you guys learn as well. So the goal is to get into the top 1% By the end of the year. And so I would love, love, love if you guys could leave ratings and or reviews. So the ratings are like super quick, like less than five seconds. So if you just go to the Show page in Apple podcasts or whatever podcast app you’re using, and just tap the five stars, that’s it. Because that you don’t even have to write anything, I would love it if you do. But that wouldn’t mean a ton. I’m hoping to get 10 reviews this month. And that will keep us on track. So without further ado, let’s get into this topic of authenticity. So what’s come up for me recently, you know, I had a close friendship, and maybe a couple months ago, caught me kind of out of the blue. This was somebody that, you know, I spoke to pretty much daily, you know, in some form or another mostly text or sometimes audio messages. And really what she finally wound up saying after just kind of retreating for a bit, and I was like, What is going on, was that she hadn’t been showing up authentically. Right. And that’s not something I can control, right? I can’t control other people. But it did impact me, you know, and it made me feel sad, it made me feel sad that she didn’t feel like she could speak up or be authentic with me. And I try to be, you know, an open space for people that are in my life in whatever capacity to say what they need to say. So regardless, you know, we’re not really friends anymore. And, you know, I had a really good chat with a client, a couple clients actually recently about authenticity as well and in different forms, you know, so one was saying that they didn’t really feel like they were showing up in any relationship super authentically. And there’s maybe some some people pleasing stuff going on there some fear of rejection, and another client mention that they’d been so focused on, you know, being a parent or being a worker, or making sure their partner was okay, that they kind of hadn’t asked themselves certain questions about what they really wanted. Right? And so it was occurring to me too, it’s like, if we haven’t asked ourselves those questions, how can we show up authentically, you know, and if we’re so focused externally on other people, and what we’re supposed to do on being productive. Sometimes we can lose sight of ourselves and what we really want, you know, especially when it comes to our intimate relationships, and I mean, I mean, intimate in a broad sense here, whether it’s your family members, if you’re close to your family, or if it’s kind of an inner circle of friends, or if it’s a romantic partner, you know, and it makes me sad. Like, I feel deeply sad about this because I I think I just know. And maybe this is from being human, maybe this is from the work that I do that like, we all kind of want the same thing, deep down, like we all want to feel really seen for who we are, and really accepted for who we are and loved for who we are. Right. And so it’s hard sometimes seeing all the ways in which we maybe work against that unknowingly. And I want to bring some compassion to the discussion too, because, you know, if you’ve been listening for a while, you probably know that I’m an internal family systems therapist. And so if you’re new to the show, I’ll just briefly explain it. So one of the core tenants of internal family systems is that we have a self energy. And that’s the essence of who we really are, you can think of self energy as being like our higher consciousness or spirit. And it can be like our little piece of the Divine or creative energy. And what’s really great is that our self energy is infinite, it’s unaffected by trauma, it’s infinitely secure, and confident to write and then we have parts and our parts are more ego based. And we have our manager parts that are kind of trying to, you know, reach goals and proactively connect and better ourselves and prevent them from being problems, it’s really proactive, sometimes these parts can be kind of anxious or hyper vigilant. Sometimes they can just be like working so hard, you know, carrying the weight of the world sometimes. And then we have our firefighter parts, and they’re also trying to protect us, but they’re protecting us more reactively. And I think as we go through this discussion on authenticity, I think it’s the firefighter parts that are gonna be more in focus. But regardless, the managers and the firefighter parts are protecting our exile parts. And our cell parts are the ones that are holding the trauma burdens. They’re feeling not good enough, they’re feeling like a failure, they’re feeling unlovable, you know, and none of us really want to walk around feeling that all the time. And so we have the firefighters and manager parts that kind of, I think they’re like layers of protection, right. And so you may have one part protecting an XML part, you may have, you know, two or three protectors protecting that XML part. And when I say XML, I mean, like, we’re just trying to shove that in the dark basement corner of our psyche. That’s kind of how I think about it. So that’s the framework we’re going to be working with. And so the way I’m viewing this is like, when we’re struggling with being authentic, it just means we have defense mechanisms. And that’s another way you can view the protector parts, you can view them as defense mechanisms. So we might protect ourselves by being a people pleaser. And that’s kind of a theme that’s been coming up a lot, you know, in these conversations that I’ve been having kind of in my personal life and my professional life, you know, in this people pleasing, can really lead us to abandon ourselves. I think that’s the part that makes me so sad, you know, and I do it too, in certain ways. Like, I think of myself as being like, so immune to these things. Sometimes, like, I’m so assertive and like I speak up even when other people don’t, you know, I say things on a podcast. It’s sneaky. It’s totally sneaky. I think we kind of all have some of this. And, and so there’s moments where I really have to look at myself to to think like, Hmm, this is not really what I want in this relationship. Why am I going along with this? Do I feel like I have to? Like, what’s the story there? What story do I have? You know, and so recently, I’ve been kind of asking myself this question and a different close friendship, you know, like, am I getting kind of my needs met? And am I maybe over investing and not getting as much of it back? Is there a sense of obligation? Do I really love this person, and like this person, and you know, I want to sort of like, hang in there and be a loyal friend. So there can be a lot of different aspects. But this is how we start to find our parts, you know, for doing this internal family systems work, which I highly, highly, highly recommend. You know, by starting to ask these questions, we can figure out what part within me because those are the only ones we can control. What part within me is getting triggered.
And so I was able to do some reflecting and realize I like feeling needed. Not a super shocking revelation for somebody who’s in a helping profession. Right? I like feeling smart. I like feeling needed. I like feeling like I have the answers. And it’s one thing when people are like literally paying me to help them with that great, but you know what, it’s an impersonal relationship. I have to kind of look at and see, am I showing up with self energy? You know what Just calm and confident, and compassionate and playful and warm and super secure, or am I showing up from a part that needs, you know, validation that wants to be right. And one thing I want to add, as we start talking about different types of parts, there’s a really good book a link to in the shownotes, called No Bad parts by Richard Schwartz. And it’s pretty obvious title, the idea that is that there’s no bad part. So even if you have a part that’s like a serial murderer, and that’s obviously extreme, the idea is that the part has a good intention, it thinks it’s protecting you in some helpful way. And sometimes the parts are stuck in the past. And sometimes the parts are unaware of all the other resources that we have available. Sometimes they don’t know that there’s another way and they’re just really caught in some cycle. I’m also not suggesting that serial murderers are just to be clear, but I’m just using an extreme part to kind of illustrate the point that we might be doing, like horrid stuff. But there’s a good intention. And somehow the unconscious, the system of parts, isn’t totally getting it right. And so it needs healing, right. And that’s why we do this work with internal family systems. So anyways, whatever parts you’re having, I want you to practice being nice to them. So when we look at this stuff, like I don’t love coming on here and being like, I have a part that wants to be right all the time, you know, but it’s like, what if I could be compassionate with that part? What if I could realize that parts trying to help me? That part is trying to do something good? And what if I’m just curious about it, because when we judge it, when we sort of shut ourselves, then we can’t really can’t really get in there, we kind of can’t really see what’s going on. Because there’s so many layers of judgment to try and get through that, like, you know, our own system won’t really let us see, when we remove the judgment, which you can actually do, really simply by just asking the judgment or whatever other part is blocking, just ask if they can give you some space, you know, so you can kind of talk to your parts. That’s, that’s what I do that’s encourage clients to do like, judgment, I feel you, I noticed that you’re here. I recognize that you have a good intention, can you just give some space? So I can be curious about this part that wants the validation? And then you just see, does the judgment kind of recede, or the judgment doubling down? Not going anywhere? And then how you move forward to kind of have that, but let’s say, let’s do the judgment steps aside, right? So then I can bring some curiosity, I can bring some compassion, to the experience of this part. That’s like, okay, like, you know, I want this relationship to be a certain way, or I’m realizing that I was kind of showing up with, you know, ego, I was showing up wanting to be right, and validated and whatever. And where did this part learn this? Did this part, like, does the part like doing this job of, you know, suggesting things or giving advice or being helpful, you know, thinks it’s supporting, but is it? And a lot of times these parts that are trying to protect us, the learn from some time earlier in our life, right? Not always, sometimes it’s just the culture or sometimes there’s a specific incident, sometimes we’re born with it just part of our DNA, right. And so the people pleaser part is one that a lot of people that I’ve most people that I’ve had this conversation with, have the people pleaser part. So if you have that one, notice within yourself, how can you tell when the people pleaser part is present? Right? What does it feel like in your body? Sometimes I sort of jokingly say to people, if an alien were dropped into your body right now, how would they tell that the people pleaser part is prevalent. And sometimes it might be, you know, tightness in your chest or a pit in your stomach, or it might be just like kind of tension, you know, in your muscles throughout your body could be in one area of the body, it could be all throughout, sometimes you might get more of an image and it might not feel like it’s in your body, but sort of around your body, we often will have a sense that it’s on the left side or the right side. So just just kind of notice whatever comes up and be curious. And don’t be hard on yourself. If it’s hard to sense it at first, it is something that that takes some practice. But so as we kind of do some healing work and just start by even noticing the parts and not judging them and being curious, we’re gonna learn more. And eventually those parts will be able to give us some space so that more and more self energy comes through. And so when I think about, you know, all the fallout sort of people not being authentic, it’s like thirsting, lonely, right? They’re kind of like, oh, wow, I haven’t been showing up authentically. Maybe because I don’t believe maybe there’s a story that like, I don’t believe I can have the type of friends that I want. I don’t believe I can have the type of partner that I want. You know, No, and and so if I let these people go where I don’t feel like I’m being authentic or if I set new boundaries, or if I like tell them, hey, I feel like I’ve been showing up in this way, where I’m really focused on meeting your needs, because I’m afraid you won’t like me otherwise, like that will be a brief conversation, which by the way, courageousness is another quality of self energy. And so that’s what we’re aiming for. So how can we get to a place of what I call emotional bravery, which is potentially my most favorite quality in humans? How can we be living from more self energy, it’s through doing this parts work. So it’s through letting ourselves energy make our life decisions. And whenever we notice, oh, this is not self energy, this is a part that has an agenda, or self energy does not have an agenda, or self energy is just kind of always pretty good. Then we bring the compassion curiosity to that part, that popping up and trying to run the show. And that’s part of what we want the parts to learn is like, Hey, you don’t have to run the show. Like, the self energy is the true leader of our internal system. And so that that’s what I want for people. Let’s get to emotional bravery. Let’s get to also where we have a support system. I think a lot of what happens is specially in romantic partnerships, we become so so so reliant on this person, for our validation for our mood, for our self esteem for feeling sexy for feeling desirable, for feeling good enough for doing things around the house, you know, and I think when we can spread that out a bit more. It’s funny, I was thinking about the word polyamory and like, really, we’re all polyamorous, it’s just, some people are probably sexual, you know, because we all love multiple people, pretty much. So you know, what does that look like? Have you not invested in friendships? Is there a part that’s blocking you in that area? You know, starting to be more curious about that. I also think I need to do a parks workshop with you. If that’s something you’re interested in, let me know what stay tuned. If you’re not on my email list, definitely get on my email list, you can go to my website and just sign up for any one of my freebies. And that will put you on the email list. So it’s just Heather shannon.co. Forward slash freebies. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co. And you can either just put in the forward slash freebies or just click on the freebies menu once you get to the website, but yeah, get on the email list. I don’t trust social media. Obviously, everything’s tax related, get censored. So that is the best way to keep in touch. So in the podcast, I love it. I don’t get censored here. It’s amazing. But yeah, I want to really start teaching you guys more about parts and how to work with your parts. Because when I started thinking about this issue of people feeling more like people pleasers and less authentic. You know, we it’s so fascinating. We think we’re doing this people pleaser thing, because it’s going to keep us connected, because it’s going to keep us in these relationships. And actually, what it’s doing is preventing anyone from actually knowing us, like, isn’t that so sad? So, realize that, you know, like, we’re not, quote unquote, like eliminating risk, we’re actually keeping people away, is the opposite of what we want. And that’s what kind of breaks my heart is like, we all have these, you know, hypocrisy sort of things within us, we’re human, but to start realizing it and to start working with it is so important. And so I hope that I hope that that’s something that, you know, you guys will kind of take to heart to be kind to the people pleaser part still, we’re not vilifying it. But to give it that attention in a compassionate way. So that eventually you can kind of chill out. Even just acknowledging your parts, even just when I’m talking with you about today, just acknowledge that. And for some of you that might be in a written format, like journaling, that’s how I do a lot of it, probably because I’m a little ADHD and it’s like, hard to focus. Sometimes, if I’m not writing it down. You can also just do it in your head, you can kind of scan your body and notice like, okay, like, am I feeling tension? Am I feeling like fear? Am I feeling like a fluttery sensation? Am I feeling adrenaline just to really start tuning into your body’s cues and that’s going to help you know what part is present.
You know, and then write them down. If you’re open to it, write down you know, okay, I have a people pleaser part and here’s what I know about it. Or here’s how it tends to behave. Here’s how I feel in my body and just kind of being like a little emotional data scientist. And so, you know, as we’re figuring this out, and as we’re doing the parts work, then we get to show up with emotional bravery. And I want to be really clear the reason I wanted to emphasize this one, you know, the courage or the emotional bravery is because I don’t don’t want to make it seem like it’s easy. It’s not easy, losing friendships. It’s not easy having It’s really like relationship changing, or possibly relationship ending conversation with someone. But what I do know is that when you’re leading from a place of self energy, you have this inner knowing that I’m going to be okay anyways, I can say this and even if it goes terribly, first of all, if you’re in soft energy, you’re probably gonna say it really well. But even if like, let’s say, you say, Great, we can’t control other people. And so it might be a show your reaction, this person might be like, what you’re saying, You’ve been fake this whole time, what like, what am I supposed to say to this? Who knows? Is it more ideal if you kind of check with them to see if they’re ready to have a conversation? They might, you know, you don’t want to do this on a day where they just had a really shitty day at work and are a terrible mood. But you know, I think about examples, like there’s examples where people don’t want to tell their spouse that they’re bisexual, or they don’t even want to ask their spouse for sex, because they’re afraid of getting rejected, or they’re thinking about sex, but they’re not actually initiating. And so they’re maybe trying to keep themselves safe that way, because they’re not sure what the reaction is, or maybe they feel awkward, trying to initiate. And so all of these things are ways in which we hold ourselves back, we’re not fully showing up, we’re not fully being authentic. And so we just encourage you to do do a bit of an audit. I feel like that’s what this episode is about, do a bit of an audit, notice what’s coming up for you. And then let’s start doing some hearts work. And if it’s something where you’re like, you know, I feel like I’m in kind of a pivotal point in a relationship, and I’m really wanting to prioritize, you know, who am I as a sexual being? And how do I want to show up in my relationships, that’s when it’s a good time to reach out to me or a sex therapist or coach of some kind. Because, you know, as we build our support system, some of its going to be that inner circle of, you know, friends or family members, and some of them might be more of a professional support system, like a therapist or coach, I think it’s good to have both. And then that’s another way, where if you have a conversation that doesn’t go well, or if you have a friendship and and you need support, you’re not reliant on that one person. I think it’s a big mistake that we make in today’s society that like everyone’s looking for that person. And I think sometimes it feels so we can feel so needy about it or can feel so urgent, because we don’t have as much community. Because we’re all home scrolling, frigging Instagram, you know, and I remember living in Chicago, and it was like this. Yeah, took this huge city. There’s all these people and like, such close proximity, but it was almost like people were more isolated. Me because we’re all overstimulated by the city. I don’t know. But that’s something we’re thinking about too. Like, how can I just be more open in general? What would it look like to be more open to connect, and I will also mention, another reason to get on the email list, we are going to be having. Not sure when yet but we are going to be having a improv workshop for single people, which I think is going to be so so fun. So if you have a little social anxiety, if you you know, struggle to approach someone that you think is cute, I also want you to like reframe that a little bit. Like, if you think someone’s cute, you’re not approaching them. First of all, there’s a park president, there’s some kind of park that needs some work, and some attention. And secondly, you’re not being fully authentic. So what if you just look at it, like, I can just say what I’m thinking, and this is what’s fascinating to me, right, as a therapist, and working with clients. So often people will be like, Well, I just, you know, kind of want to just tell my partner that like, you know, I want to open up a relationship and that, you know, we can go slow and whatever, but like, I’m not sure how to say it. And I’m, I typically like, literally just how you said it to me, because when people are talking to me like they’re, they’re not riled up, they’re not like super worried about my reaction. They’re just like, being really straightforward and like saying what they want to say, and so that you can even use that like it’s an authenticity check. It’s like, okay, who do I feel super, super comfortable with? And it could be you know, your therapist or someone, how would I say this to them? And then like, say it to your partner that way or say it to your friend that way. So anyways, I hope this was helpful. Stay tuned for more you know, workshops and resources coming up behind your parts, check out that no bad parts book. Let me know what you think. I love getting the DMS from people on Instagram. So my Instagram is at Ask a sex therapist just like the name of the podcast. It’s great to hear from you guys. A few more ratings and reviews would be amazing if you have a few seconds and I will catch you guys next week when I’ll be back with a guest episode. So taking care of yourself and be authentic. If you are loving the show and you don’t want to miss another one, make sure you hit follow at the top of the screen from the Show page and if you’re on an episode page, just go to the little three dot menu, select Go to show Oh, and then hit follow at the top of your screen. This helps us show up on the Apple sexuality charts. It helps more people find this show and it helps spread the message of sexuality. So thanks guys and we’ll catch you next time.
