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067: Get Vulnerable & Get Laid!

[/vc_column_text][vc_column_text]Heather [00:00:00]:
Be discerning, have your criteria, understand what helps you to feel safe, opening up emotionally and physically, and then push yourself, then push yourself to be a little bit more brave. Welcome. Hey, everybody. Welcome to this week’s episode. We are going to talk about being vulnerable and being emotionally brave, which is probably my favorite quality in humans and part of why I love my job, because people who come to see me are being emotionally brave. And I specifically want to talk about how this is important for intimacy. And when I say intimacy, I mean it broadly. I mean it in terms of feeling emotionally close, feeling really seen for who you are, and being able to be your authentic self.

Heather [00:01:07]:
I mean it in terms of having great, passionate, connected sex. There’s parts of ourselves that are sexual that not everyone gets to see. And so sharing those really authentically with someone is important, instead of just sort of going through the motions of what we think sex is supposed to be. And so I want to approach this from a lens of self censorship and how we can stop doing that to ourselves. As I kind of hinted at, putting ourselves out there. Being brave is the opposite of self censorship. Self censorship is when we have a thought like, oh, my husband’s looking very sexy today, and then we just don’t tell him. We just don’t say anything.

Heather [00:01:59]:
So it’s important to realize that a lot of these thoughts we have thinking someone looks good that day, whether they’re your partner or not. How much of that do we actually just hold inside? I kind of just want you to pause and reflect. Let’s have a moment of reflection where we just kind of think, and I’m someone who doesn’t censor myself all that much, but I still do it. It might be like, is that going to be weird, though? If I say something, am I going to make it weird? Or. I don’t know. We’re kind of, like, in a tense moment, so I don’t want to say it, or, I think my partner looks really sexy, or someone. I want to be my partner. I’m seeing how talented they are, and I’m super turned on by it and not saying anything.

Heather [00:02:57]:
And a couple of things brought this up for me. One working with my clients. So I recently developed a free mini course called the intimacy audit, and I’ll include the link to that in the show notes if you’re interested. But it takes a look at what are some of the main reasons why people stop having sex, or why it’s kind of become a chore, and self censorship is one of them. It’s something that surprised me a little bit when I started working with people because I guess my thought would be, okay, well, they just don’t have interest. It’s just their libido. But sometimes that’s actually not the case. And the sexual thoughts are there, and they’re just being held inside, which is fascinating.

Heather [00:03:49]:
Right. We’re so fascinating as humans. So I want to help you free up. Just create some more freedom, create some more spaciousness in expressing some of those thoughts, because they’re often fun. They’re often connective. They’re often going to make someone else feel good. They’re often going to lead to more intimacy for you. Right.

Heather [00:04:14]:
And so you do have to take a chance and kind of stick your neck out there. And even if you’ve got social anxiety, even if you’re feeling kind of shy to find that bravery, to be kind of vulnerable and take a chance and take a leap of faith. Right? Reminds me of Brene Brown. This is like our Brene Brown episode, so we’re going to work on it and a couple other things. So I’ve pulled my Instagram audience on questions like, if you’re crushing on someone, if you are romantically interested, sexually attracted, whatever, do you tell them or what do you do? And the answers were fascinating. Again, I think the answers were, I just get weird and awkward and kind of avoid them almost. That was a popular choice for a lot of people. And then there was the answer of just kind of be direct and put it out there.

Heather [00:05:22]:
That was an unpopular choice. And then there was a semi popular choice of flirt with them and kind of hope it goes somewhere. But it was like 20% or less of people who were just actually direct and put it out there. And I think flirting has some value, too. You’re still sending signals. But as a whole, it was really illuminating for me to realize, well, gosh, if 80% of us are going on about our lives not telling people when we’re interested, how is anything supposed to happen? It’s a miracle. It’s a miracle that we find partners at all, right? And so this is not at all, like a shaming thing. And so it’s like, if you’re in this camp, it’s kind of like, okay, we kind of all suck at this as a society, so let’s just take a look at it.

Heather [00:06:23]:
And that was my reflection. It was like, okay, how much more love and connection and emotional support and sexual pleasure could there be if we all got a little bit better at this? So that’s what this episode is really about. Is let’s find ways to overcome the shyness, the social anxiety, the worrying, what people think of us, the fear of the awkwardness, the fear of rejection and put ourselves out there because you’re going to get more sex and you’re going to have more fun and you’re going to grow as a human. And also, you might be thinking, oh, well, I’m married. A lot of my insights on this come from working with married people, which is also fascinating, right? Because sometimes we think, okay, that’s like a thing you have to do when you’re single and you kind of don’t know if the other person is interested yet. That’s when you’re taking the risk. But it doesn’t end just because you’re in a committed relationship or living with someone or married to them for 30 years. What parts of you do they still not know? What thoughts do you have that you’re still not sharing, like, good thoughts? That’s kind of what I’m getting at.

Heather [00:07:46]:
Are there sexual interests you still haven’t shared? Are there vulnerable parts of yourself that you haven’t shared? Do you usually wait for them to initiate and just kind of keep all your own sexual thoughts inside and they don’t even know that you’re having them? Yes, we’re probably all doing this is the answer. And I also want to make sure we’re not beating ourselves up over this, even though from an objective standpoint, it’s like, okay, this doesn’t make a ton of sense, given we all want connection, that we almost are actively avoiding it. But the fear of rejection really does make sense from an evolutionary standpoint. And so I do want to normalize it. Belonging is such a core need. Such a core need. And when you think about it, we’re all trying to survive on this planet, and if we are alone, we have less resources, we have less support. What happens when we get sick? Maybe we have no one to take care of us.

Heather [00:08:54]:
Who’s going to help us if finances get in a bad spot or you lose your job? So having other people, having community, having family, having a partner is kind of a core need, right. It really makes sense. And so that’s why we kind of go with norms. That’s kind of why we go with what’s widely accepted, and that’s why we kind of hide certain aspects of ourself. But when we’re talking about intimacy, again, emotionally and sexually, it’s like these are the special people that we’re choosing to let in and really see us. And so, yes, be discerning. Don’t just go share every part of you with every person. Be discerning.

Heather [00:09:44]:
Have your criteria. Understand what helps you to feel safe opening up emotionally and physically, and then push yourself. Then push yourself to be a little bit more brave. And then in addition to the evolutionary need of belonging, it can also be an emotional roller coaster. And again, whether you’re single or married for 30 years, it can still be the same where it’s like, I tried to initiate, I tried to tell this person that I was interested, I tried to compliment them and meet their love needs, and I just feel rejected and I feel like they’re not seeing kind of how vulnerable I’m making myself. And the response is not making me feel emotionally safe to continue being vulnerable and brave. Right. And that’s a case where you might need some outside help, then, because usually our partner isn’t trying to be a jerk.

Heather [00:10:42]:
Usually they’re not trying to make us feel unsafe to be vulnerable and share, but they just might be missing the mark. They might not quite get it. And because we’re not really taught how to communicate on a masterful level, it is something that’s some trial and error, and it is something where we often need some coaching and we need some education and we need some support and to not be judged while we’re working on that. But it’s worth working on and with the emotional roller coaster of putting ourself out there and not always working to realize that we are doing the best we can, that we need to really show up for ourselves. That’s so key, because even if this is our favorite person in the whole wide world, and we’re just like, this is my best friend, and I think they’re sexy. First of all, congrats. You won the relationship lottery. But secondly, they’re still a different human.

Heather [00:11:53]:
They still grew up with a different set of values and beliefs. You’re never going to overlap 100%. They have a different set of sexual turn ons and interests and fantasies than you. And so all of this needs to be navigated and negotiated and for both of you, or all of you, to hold space for each other and to allow there to be space for differences and to be able to navigate that. And it’s so interesting with what’s going on in our culture at large, with all the polarization, because it’s promoting the opposite. Right? It’s kind of like, no, we can’t have differences. And this is threatening to me if you have a different belief system than me. And so there’s not as much space for understanding, but it’s really eye opening, I think, to realize that it’s the same skill set that we need kind of on a micro level in our personal relationships to what we need in a macro level as a society, right.

Heather [00:12:56]:
To take the time and understand the differences and hold judgment as much as possible so that we can really understand. And it’s from that place of understanding that we’re really going to find the connection and the answers. Okay, again, so we’re trying not to block ourselves. So basically we’re cockblocking ourselves. This is what I’m trying to say. So we’re cockblocking ourselves from not only sex, but connection, happiness, pleasure, joy, et cetera. And we’re blocking the other person too, when we’re holding things inside and not kind of bridging the gap sometimes with people that we care about. So I want to frame this in an internal family systems perspective.

Heather [00:13:43]:
So if you’ve been listening, you probably know that I’m an internal family systems therapist. And just the very brief overview of that is it’s a type of parts work. And so we have our self energy, which is unattached to outcome. Super spacious, compassionate, wise, confident. This is where clarity often comes from. When it’s sort of a clarity that comes in a really peaceful way, instead of like an instinctual, reactive, anxiety induced feeling. That’s not really clarity. So that’s our self energy.

Heather [00:14:21]:
And then we also have our parts. And so our parts, there’s three categories. So there’s managers, firefighters, and exiles. The managers tend to be proactive in trying to make our life better. So setting goals, making appointments, laying out our schedule for the week, that kind of thing. And then we have firefighter parts, and they tend to be reactive, and so they tend to find ways to protect us from feeling pain. And it might be that some pain has already started to creep in. And the firefighters are like, oh, I need to have a drink, or like, oh my God, where’s my gummies? My THC gummies or my CBD gummies or whatever you’re taking.

Heather [00:15:04]:
And it could also be like, I just need to numb out and scroll on my phone. It could be my emotions are kind of coming out sideways and I’m being snippy and irritable with people who are close to me. So that’s the firefighter. And then we have exile parts. And what’s really interesting is we all tend to have the same ones. So feeling shameful, feeling unlovable, feeling broken, not good enough, unworthy et cetera. And so these are kind of banished in the dark basement corner of our psyche, thus the name exiles, because we’ve been told that these are not really societally appropriate things to feel. Right.

Heather [00:15:47]:
And so that’s important to realize. So what happens is the protector parts, which are the managers and the firefighters, they kind of layer up to kind of keep the exiles at bay. So I think of it as, like, the exiles locked away in a prison, and then we have all the guards of the prison. So those are the managers and the firefighters. So when we think about self censorship, this is a part that’s trying to protect us, right? It’s trying so hard. It’s kind of like, hey, you’ve gotten hurt in the past, right? Like, you have put yourself out there. Like, as a kid, we’re not as afraid, right? And then we get hurt a few times, and it’s like, well, shit, I don’t know if I want to do that again. So then it’s like, okay, well, I don’t know.

Heather [00:16:34]:
So then we get in our head, right? We often get in our head. A lot of us are anxiety prone and overthinkers and all that good stuff. Join the club, right? Again, none of us are alone with this. We’re really, again, taking care of ourself in a way. But sometimes what happens is this protector part that’s like, let’s just not say the thing. Let’s just not tell the person we want to connect with. Know, we’re like, hey, we haven’t connected in a. And, like, if you try to, it might be weird and awkward.

Heather [00:17:06]:
So let’s just not do it, okay? Because remember last time? Or remember when you were a kid? Or remember when Susie or Johnny or Jamie dumped you and you were just like, so sad? Let’s not do it, right? Let’s focus on something else. Let’s focus on stuff you can control, right? And so this part could really be like an inner coach in that way that’s helping us avoid the hurt. And so we want to have compassion for this part. So even though this part is preventing some connection and preventing the emotional and sexual intimacy that we really want, we’re not hating on it, right? And if this is something where you’re like, I don’t know, Heather, that seems like quite the leap to get to a place of not judging this part that’s ruining my life, I would recommend checking out this book called no bad parts. So it’s by Richard Schwartz, and he’s the creator of IFS, internal family systems and it really helps you understand how not to pathologize our protector parts or our exile parts, any of them. They all have good intentions. And so when we can get to that place of realizing the good intention and we can bring some compassion, then we can get to the understanding. So sometimes we might need to ask the judgment part or the frustrated part or the part that hates this self censorship to step aside so that we can meet the self censoring part with compassion.

Heather [00:18:37]:
Okay. So I hope that’s helpful to just even conceptualize it that way. Again, the intimacy audit will kind of help you identify if this is an issue for you. And the no bad parts book will help you with the not pathologizing. So check those out. And so what is the solution here, really? So the solution is accessing your self energy. Self energy is amazing. And I want everyone listening to know that you have self energy.

Heather [00:19:07]:
You don’t have to cultivate it. You don’t have to grow it or develop it. It’s already there. And you might be asking, okay, but how come I don’t feel it? Why am I not walking around feeling clear and confident and compassionate and calm in all of these great feelings? Good question. So you’re not feeling it because your parts maybe don’t even know it exists. So that might be step one, right? You might not know about it because an anxious part is running the show, a part that’s worrying, a part that’s depressed, a part that’s a firefighter, maybe that’s got some substance abuse issues going on. And so when those parts are running the show, typically that means they don’t really know too much about self energy, or they get so triggered by your thoughts about your circumstance that they take over. Right.

Heather [00:20:04]:
And so when it gets to that point, ifs calls it being blended with a part. I call it, like, a part takeover. And you can think about it like, if you have a panic attack seemingly out of nowhere, that’s kind of a part takeover, right, where it’s like there’s a sudden shift, and it’s kind of like everything has changed. Or if someone goes into, like, a fit of rage, that’s a rage part taking over, right. It doesn’t mean those other parts don’t exist. It just means that’s the part running the show in that moment. And so what’s really interesting for me, working with clients, too, is sometimes people think, like, who they are is one of their parts. And the idea is that who we are is actually our self energy on the deepest level.

Heather [00:20:46]:
And the parts are necessary to take action in our life. And I think they’re part of just existing in a physical world where there’s good and bad and light and dark and all of these kind of contrasts and dualities. And so they’re there. We’re not trying to get rid of any parts, but through bringing self energy, we can help them shift. And so if this is something that you’re interested in learning more about and working on, it’s a really cool research based method of therapy. And it’s a little bit more experiential. It can be a little bit more meditative. It’s considered a psychospiritual approach.

Heather [00:21:26]:
So if that’s something that interests you, feel free to reach out. I have been getting a little bit busy lately, but I’m still offering the intimacy breakthrough sessions, so limiting those to three per week. So if it’s something you’re really interested in, check it. See if it’s available for this week. I’d love to chat with you, and especially if you’re somebody who’s in a relationship where you are struggling with the self censorship and you want to be able to do the deeper work to really shift that in a meaningful way. Relationships. I do this work because I actually started working with people on anxiety and some addictive compulsive behaviors. And what was fascinating to me is no matter why people came in, everyone talked about relationships.

Heather [00:22:14]:
And so it just really highlighted for me how important relationships are, how few safe spaces there are to really be able to talk about intimate relationships. And also, it’s like, this is. Social support is indicative of mental health. Having a great social support system is linked to living longer and having a healthier life. When people are on their deathbeds and they’re looking at their regrets, it’s based on relationships. It’s like you don’t get to take your money with you. It’s like, really, how did you show up? And so to me, it’s one of the smartest things that we can educate ourselves about and invest in for ourselves. And whatever we learn, we get to keep for the rest of our life, which is awesome.

Heather [00:23:02]:
So, again, reach out if you want to grab that intimacy audit, for sure. If you’re kind of like, hey, Heather, I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to you yet. Get the intimacy audit. It’s free. It’ll go over kind of the top three reasons why I see people struggling with sex and their committed relationship. And if you have questions, there’ll be a series of emails kind of walking you through the mini course. You can respond to any of those emails and I’ll get back to you. But yeah, I’m proud of you guys for being here, for listening, for being ready to be brave, and for working on putting yourself out there.

Heather [00:23:39]:
So hope this was helpful and we will catch you next week. Check the show notes for all the details. Bye. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at talk and be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist. Close.[/vc_column_text][vc_column_text] < Back to Episode[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]