I think we’ve all been there. I would have to think most of us at least have had those moments where we’re not fully present during sex. We’re not fully present in our body.
This is the Ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist.
Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Ask a sex therapist. We’re going to talk today about orgasms. I figured you guys like this topic. I went back and looked at the Data. Like, what shows are people downloading the most? What are they liking? And y’all like orgasms, so we’re going to get into it a little bit more. So I’m going to cover how to orgasm if you’ve never had an orgasm, and we’re not going to be able to cover 100% of every scenario, but we’re going to get to the big ones, and then we’re also going to talk about just how to orgasm more often or more reliably if that’s an issue for you. This is going to be focusing more on people who are cis women, vulva owners, estrogen dominant bodies, basically.
And the reason for that is because of the orgasm gap. I think a lot of what I talk about, though, is going to apply to you regardless of your gender identity or regardless of your genitalia, because a lot of this is mental. So we won’t get too, too hung up on that piece of it. But there is an orgasm gap. And I’ll link in the show notes back to. I’m going to mess up the episode number. It might have been 24 with Lori Mintz, where we talk about the orgasm gap. And she’s kind of the foremost expert in that area.
So it’s pretty cool that we can learn about it. We can understand it. We can help reduce the orgasm gap. We can help experience more pleasure in our own body, in our partners bodies. And that’s pretty exciting to me. So we’re all about more pleasure, more connection, and more intimacy here. So a couple things before we get into it, I just want to thank you guys for following the show. You’re listening and you’re supporting the show.
And, you know, we’re up there on the charts this week. I think we went up a bunch of spots, so I think we’re around 68, but, you know, it feels good. Feels good to be in the top hundred. And I appreciate you guys. So keep following the show. That’s kind of how we move up the charts and get seen by more people and grow, grow the show and get amazing guests and all of that. So thank you again for the support with that. It means a lot.
So why don’t we orgasm more? So if you’re somebody who’s like, oh, Heather, I don’t know, it just feels hard and it feels like this thing I’m supposed to do and I don’t. And then I feel like something’s wrong with me and my partner really wants me to and why is it so hard? And I don’t want you to feel like that. I want you to just have fun. And I also want to validate that you might be like, hey, I’ve never had an orgasm, but I’m having a great time. I don’t need an orgasm to have a great time. Like, to me, this is about pleasure and connection and check, check, I’m getting those needs met. Awesome. Then I would say change nothing.
So this is really, if you’re motivated by this, if you’re wanting more of this, if you feel like maybe there’s some kind of internal struggle or internal conflict, you know, around the ability to have an orgasm, if it’s an area of conflict with your partner, you know, or if it’s just something that you want, it’s like, okay, maybe it’s not like a huge struggle, but it would be really cool and really nice. So this will be good episode to share with your partner, too, if it’s something that has been a bit of a struggle for you. Okay, so some of the top reasons why I think people are not orgasming more, number one. Number one, by far, I would say, is you’re in your head. So it might be more subtle than you think, too. You might not even fully realize that you’re in your head, but chances are you do. So it could look like, oh, man. Like, my partner’s trying so hard.
They’ve been going down on me for a while. I just don’t know if it’s gonna happen. Is something wrong with my body? Like, why is it so hard for me? That’s being in your head, right? Even if you’re thinking about the sex you’re having in the present moment, you’re more so in your head than you are in your body. Another example might be, oh, we got a time crunch. You know, I’m thinking about that event. We have to be to, we’re going to be late we got to make sure the babysitter, blah, blah, blah. We only have however many minutes. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to come in that time.
That would be another example of being in your head. Right. And I think we’ve all been there. I would have to think most of us, at least, have had those moments where we’re not fully present during sex. We’re not fully present in our body. And so I think that’s step one. And being fully present in your body, it might also look like I’m not into this that much. Kind of bored.
I feel like I’ve told my partner what I liked, and they’re not really doing what I asked for, or it seems like maybe they don’t know how to do it, or it’s not what they want to do, or it’s out of their comfort zone, or maybe what I’m into sexually is too weird for them. So all of these things are ways that we’re in our head and we’re kind of blocking our own pleasure, let alone orgasm. Right. So how do we get back into our body and out of our head? It really is through mindfulness. So it could just be tuning into the sensations, noticing the smells, noticing the temperature of your partner’s skin, noticing the texture, noticing just almost like, the nerve endings, you know, in your fingertips or other parts of your body, allowing the energy. You know, I went to this tantra class in Miami in February, not too long ago, a couple months ago, and it was all about energy, orgasms. And really all that is, is allowing energy to move through your body, you know? So my takeaway was, this isn’t rocket science. This isn’t something that’s, like, other or different.
Right? It’s just leaning in and allowing the sensations, allowing little movements, allowing little shutters in our body, allowing jolts of electrical energy to kind of come through us and move us. So I think that that can be a piece of it as well. So just allowing. And I’m saying all of this as if it’s really easy. So I just want to. I’m kind of, like, calling myself out on that. It’s simple in a way, right? Like, the instructions are fairly simple if you want to experience more pleasure in your body and possibly have your first orgasm or just become more orgasmic. And there’s a lot of psychological blocks, which is why I have this job, is getting into the psychological blocks of it.
So that can look like a few different things. It might look like self consciousness, right? And it might look like shyness or, you know, fear of rejection. In terms of communicating, it could look like people pleasing. Right. So if you’re a people pleaser and something’s not feeling right in your body, the thought might be, well, I don’t want to make my partner feel bad. You know, I don’t want to ruin their good time. And also, then imagine what if you have two people doing that, you have two people trying to do people pleasing, then no one’s actually saying what they want. And then how is that sex going? So I want you guys to just reframe some of these things for yourself if you’re noticing that you’re falling into any of these patterns.
But it’s important to be authentic, and it can also be difficult if you’re in a sexual moment and you’re trying to give feedback and they’re still not getting it right, and you’re kind of like, how many times am I supposed to be authentic if they continue to not get it right? And that is something you can talk about with your partner. But if it gets to a point where it’s like, this is not feeling good for me, then you might need to just call it and say, like, hey, something’s feeling a little off right now. Can we kind of circle back to this and just take a break and cuddle for a while? And that way, you’re also indicating you’re not rejecting your partner, you’re not trying to get away from them, but you just need to reset so that stuff can be challenging. So I do want to acknowledge that it can be hard to not be self conscious. You know, there’s so, so many body image issues, again, with people of all genders. Like, I feel like it’s been a woman’s issue. It’s been a gay man’s issue. But I really see it in my work with all humans.
So that’s another thing that comes into the bedroom where you’re trying to have an orgasm and you’re like, oh, my belly, right? I feel like our bellies really get vilified here. I know that’s the easiest part for me to vilify, too. Like, ugh, my thighs. Or I wonder if I smell bad down there, or what if I didn’t get all of the hair and I’m not perfectly groomed right? Or my partner is so much hotter than me, and I can’t believe they’re attracted to me. So I’m seeing all this just to acknowledge there’s so many common ways that we can get pulled out of the moment and pulled out of pleasure. And the more we can bring it back, and this is the piece that’s like a meditation, the more we can bring it back gently and with kindness. Like, oh, there I go. I went off on the body image tangent.
Okay? How can I just breathe and be with my breath? How can I just notice the sensations? How can I even tune into my desire of how do I want to be touching my partner? How can I tune into what feels good on my body? And can I communicate that in some way? You know, can I ask my partner for what I think would be really hot in this moment? Like, oh, hey, can you touch me here? Oh, hey, can you do that thing with your tongue? And so all of this takes a little bit of bravery, a little bit of vulnerability, and it’s a practice. That’s the other thing I love about meditation, is that it’s practice. And so what if we view sex that way? Because I almost think that the way most of us view sex is kind of like this is the big performance, right? It’s like you’re on stage now and it’s happening, especially when it’s with a newer partner. But even if it’s, you know, someone you’ve been with for decades, it’s like if you haven’t gotten to the comfort level about talking what you. About what you really want, about giving the feedback, about tuning into your desires, it may still feel like that, right? And so there’s a little work to be done, but it’s fun work. Okay, so now I’m going to get into my second point. What would I do if I had never orgasmed? You’re getting the inside track from a sex therapist’s brain. Here’s what I would do.
Okay, so for sure, masturbation. If you’re not masturbating and you’ve never had an orgasm, that’d be my number one. Secondly, I would really start to notice sensation and I would play with different sensations. So this kind of goes back to what if all sex, you know, solo sex or partnered sex, is not a performance? And what if you’re allowed to have a bunch of rehearsals, a bunch of practice sessions, and treat it that way? So pick a bunch of sensations. Get a feather, right? Try using your hand. Try very gently with one finger, you know, kind of gliding the clitoral hood up and down and stroking your clitoris that way. Try a light setting of a vibrator. Try a more aggressive vibrator.
Try sensations with your butt and your anus. Try having something in your mouth. Try being in different positions. They’re all going to feel a little bit different. And so if somebody comes to me and they’re like, oh, I’ve never orgasmed. And I’m like, there’s just no way. You’ve tried everything. There’s really no way.
And you might need a combination of sensations, right? So, giving Lori Mintz another shout out. So, in her becoming cliterate book, she talks about, you know, the types of stimulation that most vulva owners and women want, and it is predominantly clitoral focused, right? But everybody needs their clitoris to be touched differently. Some people, it’s like, don’t even touch the head of the clitoris directly, right? And it’s. I’m going to also link back to the clitoris episode. That’s episode five, all about the clitoris. But just as a quick recap, the clitoris is not just that one little pearl thing in the vulva, right? That’s the head. That’s sort of like the equivalent of the head of the penis. But there’s all of these, like, erectile tissues throughout the labia.
And, you know, these nerve endings, 10,000 plus nerve endings that run throughout the whole vulva. So you might not even need to touch what we call the clitoris or the head of the clitoris directly. Some people, it’s like, just breathe on it. That’s enough. So I think really tuning into different types of touch can be helpful and trying direct and indirect touch. And then also, some people do really like internal penetration, right? So whether it’s a finger, whether it’s a toy that’s meant for internal use, you can also try that combination. And I think this is part of why the rabbit vibrator that was popularized by Sex and the City back in the day, why it was so popular, because it had that internal motion. But then it also had the external clitoral stimulation.
So you can try something like that. But the point is, try different things. In terms of sex toys, it can be tough because they’re not cheap. A lot of them are not cheap. And you want to get something that’s body safe, so you don’t get bacteria that’s not meant to be there and get BV or yeast infections or utis or any of that. And so you’re gonna want something that’s usually, like medical grade silicone or something else that’s really body safe. And make sure you’re just washing things really well in between. But try the different angles.
You know, there’s g spot, stimulators, there’s vibrators that have, you know, different little sort of nubs and nooks and crannies that are gonna. Because everyone’s anatomy is different, right. Some people have a clitoris that’s a little bit more of an Audi, I would say, where you don’t necessarily even need to separate the labia to see it. And other people is what I would call an innie, where you have to kind of go looking for it, you know, and open the labia and find it. So everyone’s is different, so therefore, different toys are going to work better for different people. And so just understanding your body, which I think really only comes from practice. So that’s something I would do. I would try different sensations, different positions, different angles.
The combination of internal and external. Explore having something in your mouth. Explore having something in your anus. You know, explore, you know, warming yourself up in different ways. And as I mentioned before, the biggest reason people are not orgasming is the mental part. So that would be my other huge tip, is explore your mindset. You know, are you just kind of stressed out and you’re thinking, okay, giving myself an orgasm or masturbating will be a great way to release some oxytocin, some endorphins. Yes, true.
And if you’re not even turned on to begin with, that’s probably not going to be your best shot in orgasm. So that would be the other piece that I would sort of study. You know, become a little bit of a sex scientist for yourself. So study what gets you in the mood, you know, is it like I was watching dancing with the Stars and have, like, a very sensual number? Or is it like watching something that’s very explicit porn, right. That’s acting on a very specific kink or fantasy. There’s a whole range. It could just be, you know, seeing your hot neighbor outside on a walk or someone, you know, in a sports bra or shirtless, you know, jogging down the street. Like, there’s just so many different things that turn us all on, but, like, start to tune into that, and then you can purposely kind of bring more of that into your life and then go experiment with yourself.
Right now, some people, I will say, orgasm easier with a partner. So this is something I actually ask my clients on the intake on a one to ten scale, how easy is it to orgasm by yourself? And then how easy is it with a partner? And I would actually say it’s 50 50. So as much as I’m a proponent of masturbating, I would also say, if that’s just not your cup of tea and you tend to experience more pleasure with a partner, then play with these same concepts with your partner. Right. And you’re going to get there. The other piece is, you know, some people have trauma, some people just carry a lot of physical tension, and it’s hard to let go. Orgasm is a release. Right.
And so just practicing relaxing could be huge for you. And that can include breathing exercises, and you can bring that into your solo sex or your partner in sex, you know, and do some of that deep breathing and, you know, do some letting go breaths where you’re kind of doing that audible exhale and letting out a sound. Right. And sometimes I’ll do one. And I do this with clients, just with meditation, too. You could do like a shoulder shrug. So it’s like, and then you drop the shoulders, and so it’s kind of actively releasing some of that physical tension with the movement and the breath. And this is where I also think that tantra is really great.
So find a local tantra workshop. Go check out Layla Martin’s YouTube channel. She has all sorts of tantra things and breathing exercises. But a lot of tantra is breathing and kind of consciously moving this energy through your body. And that can be really helpful for getting you in your body, helping you relax, and kind of even setting the stage with you and your partner. We’re just connecting and being really present with each other at the beginning. So that’s something I would try as well. Now let’s, let’s chat about people who have orgasms.
They’ve had at least one sometime in their life, but it’s maybe not the norm. It maybe feels like a little bit more difficult. I think a lot of the same advice applies, and I’m going to also just add a few more nuanced elements here. So one of them, and I don’t think this gets talked about enough. I think Emily Ngoski talks about this in her book, come as you are, so you can check that out. But when we have a secure attachment, we are more likely to orgasm. I have found this with myself big time. You know, there’s certain partnerships where we might feel just kind of uncertain about it, like where do we stand? Like, are they super into me or are they just kind of like, maybe I’m not their type, but they like some things about me.
And so it’s hard. It’s like we sense that our body senses that. And so you might not even consciously be thinking that, but it’s like your body knows. I think our bodies are psychic in this way. So it’s, you know, it’s telling us something that maybe we don’t want to consciously acknowledge. But when our partner is making us feel like they’re really into us, we’re feeling really wanted. We’re feeling kind of relaxed in the relationship. Like, we just trust that.
Like, yeah, we like each other. We communicate well, we have fun together. We can handle stuff that comes up. You know, we have a nice life, a nice connection. The sexual chemistry is there, like, first of all, if you have that sense of appreciation to yourself and your partner, because most people don’t have that right, so appreciate it. Let’s. Let’s grow more of that energy in the world. And, and I think we grow it through appreciating.
So, yeah, notice what you’re doing that’s creating security or insecurity in the relationship. You know, is there an area where you’re being petty? Is there an area where you’re kind of playing a mind game? Is there an area where you’re being passive aggressive? Those are all things that can erode and undermine that relaxation and that sense of security. But I think when you realize, like, ooh, I feel so secure in my relationship, you might want to be more sexual. You might find it easier to orgasm. If you look back and compare partners you’ve had, are there some people where it felt easier to orgasm, others where it felt more difficult? And what do you think was the difference? You know, and for me, this is a big one. You know, when I think back to the person that I was like, wow, orgasming is so easy with this person. I don’t know that it’s anything physically that we’re doing different. I think it was really the sense of security so that one is not to be underestimated.
I’m going to also have to link back to our attachment style episodes in the show notes, too, because that’ll get more into that kind of secure feeling versus more of an anxious feeling versus more of an avoidant or kind of distanced feeling in the relationship. We talked about the mindfulness already. I think that also applies if you would just like to have orgasms more often. And then I just want to, I want to mention one more of, like, a tip or technique. Take little pauses. Right? Sometimes it seems like, oh, once we start, we have to keep going. And it could be, at least when it comes to the physical stimulation, especially on the genitals, that you might just need a little pause. You know, the way that orgasm often works for vulva owners is that it’s kind of escalating, building.
There’s a little plateau phase, right? And sometimes we just need to kind of, like, ride out that plateau. And we might always feel like that requires more stimulation, when actually it might require a pause and then returning to the stimulation, and then that might help you get to the peak of orgasm. So consider trying that as well. By the way, if you guys try this stuff, let me know. Let me know if you’re like, oh, my God, Heather, I’m having more orgasms, or I had my first one. I totally want to hear from you about that. And then the last piece that I want to just reiterate is the mental side. So if you’re kind of like, hey, my partner approaches me, I’m relaxed enough.
We get into it. They’re doing all the right things in terms of what I say. I like and turn ons. But where we tend to forget is the mental piece. I think mental is like 90% of it, right? Everyone’s different. But people can orgasm. This is gonna sound crazy, but people can orgasm with zero touch, and people can orgasm with zero touch of their genitals. Or maybe you’re just touching nipples or other body parts, right? People are all wired differently, so it doesn’t really have to be a certain form of touch.
It’s really, really mental. And so what is it that makes something feel erotic to you, and how can you incorporate that? Is it exploring taboo and breaking the rules? Is it sensual and steamy? Is it how someone initiates or approaches you right. Do you like the element of surprise? Do you like to be really gradually getting into it? Do you want dirty talk? Do you want to go back in time and look at the 24 hours leading up to sex? I think that’s actually very underrated. Maybe it’s the flirty sexting and talking about what you want to do and building that anticipation. Right. And so that could also really help send you over the edge. So I hope this was helpful for everybody. Share it with your partner so you can be on the same page with this.
And thank you again for all of your support. I’m also going to link in the show notes. I know we have like, a million links in the show notes, but you should know by now that I’m obsessed with giving you lots of resources because I want you to actually get results. So our friend Susan Bratton, she was a guest on the show. She actually was the most popular episode we’ve had in terms of download numbers. So she talked about female arousal and she has shared with us her free reports on extended orgasm. And this is really cool. And it’s just so perfect with today’s topic where it goes over different types of orgasm.
It has little graphs that go with it on what they look like, and it starts to talk about kind of the approach you can take to bring this into your life. So I’m going to link to that in the show notes as well. You can sign up for it there. It’s free, and I hope that you guys enjoy exploring. So I’ll catch you all next week.
Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at Heathershannon Co. Dirtytalk. Again, that’s Heathershannon Co. Forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.