📍 Hello. Hello, my friends. Have you ever wondered why even if you’re attracted to your partner sx still feels kind of off in some way  and We’re going to talk about why, uh, and how emotional intimacy is a big part of that today.

And I will also share about, you know, some of my own experiences or some patterns that I see with various clients. Um, but bottom line is then once we have that shift where the emotional intimacy issues are resolved, then things can be firing on all cylinders, which is pretty exciting. So, we’re going to talk today about why emotional intimacy is actually the key to a fulfilling sx life and how you can start building or repairing it right now.

So, this piece of emotional intimacy, especially, you know, with my background as a therapist and now a coach, this is a core part of what I help couples navigate, um, in my Intimacy Infusion Coaching Program. So where we start out on the   📍 Pathway to Passion with emotional intimacy as the foundation of better sex.

 Um, so let’s get into why and you know, some, some different concepts to kind of help you understand why this matters. And I also want to acknowledge that, you know, this doesn’t mean you can’t have hot sex with a stranger. Right? Um, but that’s also not who’s usually coming to see me for intimacy coaching.

Um, so I want to just be clear. It’s not, we’re not saying that, but usually when you do, it’s, it’s all about chemistry. Okay. And it’s not really about like deeply knowing each other and vulnerability and having a safe space. So, I actually think that emotional intimacy is a key foundation of awesome sex for more than one reason.

Um, if you’re familiar with the concept of the   📍 📍 brakes and the gas pedals with your sex drive,  I actually think that emotional intimacy affects both. So, a lot of couples that I work with, We will see things like resentment, potentially trust issues, um, potentially not feeling emotionally safe as limiting factors.

So those are things that are hitting the brakes on one or both partners sex drive in the relationship. And then we also have the gas pedal. And I do want to remind you guys. So. The brakes are actually more important with this typically than the gas pedal because no matter how hard you’re hitting the gas If the brakes down the car is not going anywhere So if there’s something that’s really a turn off or that’s like preventing you from even accessing your sexual energy You or your partner I should say You know that that’s gonna limit you no matter how hard you’re hitting the gas.

So once you’ve removed the the brakes Then we do want to hit the gas. So you might be like, well, we have resolved this. We’ve resolved that. Why, why hasn’t my libido magically, you know, fired up? Why aren’t we feeling hot and heavy again? And you do need to hit the gas pedal. So emotional intimacy can be one of the things that hits the gas pedal for you.

And that’s because when you feel close to someone, when you feel like, wow, I feel really seen, I feel really understood. I feel like this person just like. gets me. And, and therefore I feel like I can relax and I can be more of myself. And this isn’t maybe a feeling I get with a lot of people in my life.

And I just, you know, sometimes then you just feel like I just want to, like, touch them and, like, cozy up to them. Right? So you kind of express that closeness you feel emotionally in a physical way. Um, It can feel when we have the break on, on, uh, with our sex drive, it can feel like pressure, right? It could feel like I should want sex.

I’m supposed to want to connect with my partner. I’m attracted to my partner, right? You’re not saying like this person sucks and they’re ugly, you’re like, this is still the person I’ve like, you know, chosen to be in a relationship with and, uh, perhaps spend my life with, perhaps marry, you know, whatever your situation is, um, but there still can be things getting in the way.

And so I also want to talk about the, the parallel in vulnerability. between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. So I think that’s another reason like why the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are connected is vulnerability. So when we are having sex, we are typically taking all or most of our clothes off.

Um, we’re vulnerable in the sense that like we’re letting our guard down, right? It’s like, Hopefully this is not what happens, but, you know, if somebody wanted to take advantage of that, they could. So, and it’s something we don’t do with everyone we meet, right? We have kind of layers of interactions. So, there’s the people you just see out and about in the world you don’t really know.

There’s kind of people you might run into who are friends of friends or friendly acquaintances. There’s friends you might go out and grab dinner with, but not necessarily invite over to your home. There’s the inner circle friends. And then there’s people you have these physically intimate relationships with.

So I think just realizing like how many layers of vulnerability in we are when we’re having sex with someone, it’s a lot. Like, you know, this is often going to be somebody you’re a lot closer to or feel more attracted to, more comfortable with than other people in your life. And so that’s important. Um, and so when we don’t have the vulnerability emotionally, like even if we did go back to that example of, Oh, you’re a hot stranger.

Let’s hook up. Right. And, and funnily enough, I have a couple of clients now where that is how the relationship started. So you never know, you never know how you’re going to get started with someone, but. But the hookup is not the relationship, right? And so something wound up happening later on where it’s like, oh, we’ve reconnected now and we’re in a different space where we are going to connect emotionally.

And it’s not just a hookup or, hey, we have great chemistry, but let’s explore what else is there. And so the emotional vulnerability is where we get really honest, letting our guard down. You notice it’s all the same things I just said about physical intimacy, right? It’s like being really real, being transparent, letting someone know how you feel.

And that parallels letting someone know what feels good during sex and being honest about sharing your desires. And so it’s like if we don’t have that skill set and that ability and honestly that security within ourselves To do it on the emotional level it’s going to be that much harder on the sexual level because of the culture that we Are in right?

We’re really regardless of where you are in the world I’m sure there’s a few countries that probably don’t listen to this show where they’re just like so comfortable with sex But I actually I don’t think there’s a ton of them um, and so when we realize like we’re probably in this culture where you know, we’re not taught to um, To really build emotional intimacy either but where it’s like Oh, we’re not supposed to talk about sex or we don’t know how or that was never modeled for us.

It’s like We typically don’t see our parents like having sexual discussions with each other. Um, we don’t even in school sex ed where maybe sex is taught. It’s typically is just anatomy. It’s not pleasure focused. It’s not telling you, Hey, these are some issues that might arise in your sex life. Um, as we have to figure it out.

Right. And so because of sort of the lack of familiarity with these topics, which, you know, this podcast and my, my intimacy infusion coaching program aim to eradicate, um, Yo. We’re a little bit like, I don’t know. It’s like, you know, it could be like the blind leading the blind where you’re trying. And this is why I often see clients who are really growth oriented, have done some work on communication, have probably done some individual therapy work, and they’re kind of like, we should be able to, we should be able to figure this out.

Why are we stuck? And I think it’s that missing piece of we’re not taught how to do this in a sexual realm, right? We’re not really given any examples. Movies and TV shows are, generally speaking, highly unrealistic, um, and I think there’s people out there trying to change that, which I appreciate, but it, it can be a slow process and you know, and then we have all these other factors that, um, are rolling things backwards in some ways.

So, so yes, there’s that parallel though. That’s the key point is there’s   📍 📍 📍 📍 the parallel between the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy.  So, and this was something I saw too, um, back in the day in a relationship where I noticed that I just was losing interest in sex. And I didn’t have the knowledge that I have now, so again, let’s work on the knowledge because it really helps.

Um, I didn’t have the knowledge and I was kind of like, is this just normal? Is this what happens in a long term relationship? Um, you know. What, what is causing this? But looking back, knowing what I know, I’m able to see that I actually didn’t really feel the emotional safety. Right? Like I would bring things up and kind of get dismissed or I would bring things up and he would say like, Oh, I just feel like you’re being kind of crazy.

Um, or I would get one word answers from him. And so he just wasn’t really engaging. I wasn’t feeling seen. I wasn’t feeling like I could. be fully myself and share freely. I wasn’t able to get sort of reassurance if I needed that. And so it kind of created this like insecurity emotionally in the relationship.

And so does that really make either person want to show up and be really vulnerable sexually and physically? Usually not, right? And so my experience was kind of like I feel like I should have sex because it sounds like it’s like the demise of a relationship if we stop having sex. So this seems like important.

I see the value of it. Um, but when you’re not really feeling met by the other person, it can start to feel like I don’t want to keep making myself vulnerable. I don’t want to feel like my needs don’t matter, right? I don’t want to feel like I can’t be open, honest, and transparent and have that real intimacy emotionally as well.

And so   📍 I’m guessing there’s a lot of you out there who relate to that, right?  And there’s a lot of my clients that seem to have some of the same patterns. And so I also just want to be very clear. It’s like, you know, here in the podcast and in my coaching work, like I’m not coming at this from a place of, you know, Oh, I figured it all out.

Um, I have figured some things out, which is great, but. There’s no judgment and I actually think that’s part of this too with the emotional intimacy. It’s like we need to not beat ourselves up for not having it all figured out and we just need to seek out the support and information to help us figure it out, right?

And actually get to where we want to go. And then also with that cycle of sort of like avoiding sex, but then we should have it, and that feeling of pressure that can get to be sort of a, a negative association with sex. And so that’s a big part of what I work on with my Intimacy Infusion Coaching Program, um, is helping, uh, helping you feel like you’re actually looking forward to it instead of sex being a chore or a source of stress.

Okay, so now we’re going to talk about a couple ways to build emotional intimacy, um, more effectively. So the first one is going to be about   📍 creating a sense of safety and trust.  So like in that example I just gave, I was not feeling that. I was not feeling like it is safe to share, you know, my emotions or my sexual interests and fantasies, right?

Um, And I think because of the vulnerability necessary, safety can actually be a prerequisite for desire. And this is supported by not only Gottman Research, the Gottman Institute is sort of the foremost relationship research institute, if you’re curious. That’s also, um, where I did part of my training on couples counseling.

And It’s also supported in the   📍 Come As You Are book by Emily Nagoski where she also talks about when there’s more of a secure attachment,  you know, and that word secure and that word safety tend to kind of go together. When there’s a secure attachment people are also more likely to have orgasms. Not an accident, right?

Because if you’re in a situation that feels a little bit edgy or a little bit dangerous or unknown, Some people might get off on that a little bit, right? There’s the taboo of it that can be a turn on, but it’s not the type of sex that people are most often having. It is missing some safety and I’m a fan of safety.

Um, I very much support people being risk aware. So you need to decide the risk level you want to take. But really, when you think about any area of life, When you want something, it’s usually because you believe you can have it or that it’s within the realm of possibility. Sometimes when we just think like, oh, that’s not even like an option for me, or that’s not even an option for someone like me, um, we don’t let ourselves dream.

We don’t let ourselves desire. And so I think in that way, safety is sort of a precondition for desire as well. And now in terms of how we put some of this into practice, right? So you don’t just necessarily say like, Hey babe, how was your day? Um, but this is where I think having like a weekly check in or a monthly check in in your relationship can be really helpful, um, to get you in the habit of like genuinely checking in.

Like, Hey, is there anything on your mind? Like, how are you feeling in our connection? Um, or it could even be like, I’ve been trying to do more of this or that. Like, have you noticed, or is there, you know, anything you need from me? Um, that can help a lot because a lot of people are afraid to rock the boat.

Um, a lot of people are afraid of conflict in general. A lot of people are worried they’re going to say something the wrong way. Um, but when we kind of create a safe space for our partner by like inviting them to share, we’re showing like, I’m open to feedback. I care how you’re feeling. Um, especially if you’re working on intimacy, you know, like, Hey, I know we’ve been working on this.

Like, are you noticing some shifts or here’s what I’m noticing? Um, what feels like it still needs to shift more, you know, what would kind of move the needle most for you? Um, so that’s, that is important. Right. And. Thanks. What I see also as a pattern with clients is sometimes just avoidance of having these conversations.

It could be, um, something that permeates the relationship where, you know, you’re not really having a lot of quality time together. Everything is maybe revolved around practical household matters or co parenting, for example. Um, and it might feel like, Oh, well, we’re decent at that. Or I still think this, my partner is good looking or I still think they’re a good human being, but you’re living really separately.

And usually what’s happening there is both people are avoiding, right? Because there is that fear. And usually it’s because someone is not feeling safe opening up, right? And so instead of saying like, Hey, that one time I did bring up how I was feeling, you told me I was crazy. You said I was overreacting or you said, why would you feel that way?

Right? And sometimes when we habitually are met with those types of responses, we just start shutting down. You know, we kind of internalize the message like, okay, it’s not safe to bring this stuff up, right? So create a safe space for your partner. That’s, that’s the practical homework. Okay. And then we’re going to get into a little bit more about   📍 vulnerability as a turn on.

 Um, Yeah, feeling emotionally close is sexy, because really what I want for all of you listening is a sense of freedom when it comes to your sexuality. And so, whether it is choosing not to express your sexuality, um, whether it is choosing to express it with lots of people, um, or anywhere in between. I want you to feel empowered and to know that you have the ability to choose what feels right for you and that you’re not just stuck on a certain path because you’re limited or because you’re “should-ing” yourself or because you’ve internalized things from society.

So it’s really about tuning into your feelings. and noticing like what actually feels right for you in sort of a healthy, peaceful way, right? So it’s not a compulsive, graspy thing. It’s not that kind of desire. It’s like, what feels genuine? What feels authentic? Um, so that’s important. And in order for us to have that freedom, part of it comes from ourselves, right?

This is not all on our partner to create a safe space. This is also where inner security and knowing that if we take a risk and we share something and we’re vulnerable, Even if our partner is like, what? Why would you say that? You know, like, oh, that’s weird, right? I’ve gotten that response to where I share a sexual fantasy and someone’s like, oh, that’s weird.

And I’m like, okay,   📍 I’ll just go back into my little turtle shell now.  It certainly doesn’t make me want to share anything else with the person. So, so I think that’s important to realize, like when your partner shares something with you, emotional or sxual related, that’s vulnerable. And how you respond to them really matters.

So just like realize that that’s kind of precious. Like this, your partner is giving you something kind of precious and you want to like hold it tenderly, right? Even if you’re like, Oh my God, what are they thinking? You just keep that inside for now. Right. Um, and you can process later. You can get curious.

You can be like, Oh, that’s surprising what they shared or that didn’t make logical sense to me. That’s another thing I work on in my intimacy infusion program. Like when something doesn’t make logical sense, Sometimes it’s easy for us to kind of. stick to like, well, it should make sense. Or if it doesn’t make sense, that’s, that’s a you issue.

Here’s the thing. We’re all humans and none of us make sense. If we have logical criteria, like you’re just going to lose that game, right? Maybe you and your partner are both hyper logical and that could work for you. Great. If it’s not working for you, just realize that like we are emotional creatures, right?

Emotions are not hyper logical. And so when we can come at it from a place of like, let me be curious, let me try to understand you, that’s actually really attractive. Right. So not only is the being vulnerable and trusting your partner attractive, because it’s sending them the message that like, I feel safe with you.

I feel close to you, but receiving it while it’s attractive, because then you’re letting your partner know. And you’re reinforcing, yes, I am a safe space. And I love you just how you are. I appreciate you like you, wherever you’re at in your relationship, just how you are. Like that is how emotional intimacy is built, right?

And then when you have that, it starts to feel exciting. And when people can lean into being more and more of who they really are, sex also tends to get really great. Um, so the practical advice here would be Push yourself a little bit to share something with your partner that’s a little bit like on the edge or just outside of your comfort zone, whether it’s about your feelings, your needs, um, or something that came up in your day or something that is a little bit more sexual.

And if you’re on the receiving end,   📍 just like practice being a safe space, right?  And let go a little bit of like, well, I don’t agree with what they’re saying or it doesn’t make sense. So what? Like, it doesn’t need to, right? So that, that’s your practice. Okay. And then the last step, the last point we’re going to go over today, um, it’s just   📍 honest communication.

 So often my job is so weird this way, right? Because so often people come to me and they’re telling me stuff they haven’t told their partner. And it’s so interesting to me that I’m like, you just met me. Yes, I do make people feel comfortable. Yes, it is sort of my job and part of my zone of genius. I get that.

Well, like you love your partner and you’ve been with them sometimes for decades. I’m just this new person So I find it and I’m again, it’s not bad to share with someone new, especially if it’s in service of Sharing with your partner if it’s sort of like, okay How do I bring this up to my partner or I am noticing some hesitation love that that’s amazing to work towards that But it’s also kind of a sign right?

It’s something to notice of like what is holding me back. What story do I have? About what would happen if I did share this? Honestly, is it I’m going to get rejected. I’m going to get scolded. We’re going to get into a fight. I’m going to be judged. This is going to create more tension in the relationship.

So just notice that and your story may or may not be accurate, but it’s not factual. It is a story. So just recognize like you do have some control over that over what is the story you’re telling yourself and if it feels great, awesome. But if it’s a story you’re telling yourself that doesn’t feel great, I would encourage you to go back to the drawing board and see if you can tweak that story a little bit and challenge that story.

And part of the way we challenge it is by being a little bit more honest and open about what you want or need. Right. And I think with sex, especially we can feel so scared of like, Oh, I know this is a sensitive issue. Like, you know, he’s not really going down on me and not this. I hear this from women a lot.

It’s not going down on me enough, but like, I don’t know. like say anything. It’s like, everything else is so great in the relationship. But like, and I’m like, say something, you know, and you don’t have to say it in an attacking way. You can say it like Our relationship is so awesome and like, I love being intimate with you.

And also I actually really love oral sex. And I don’t know if you know that or like what your feelings are about it. I noticed you haven’t been doing it much and I just didn’t want to assume. So I figured I would just ask you directly. Right. And then you can have an open conversation. I would say do this if you already have this, the foundation, the whole topic of today, if you already have the foundation of emotional intimacy.

Do that, like push yourself in that way, right? If you still need to kind of build more emotional intimacy, then focus on that. Okay. So hopefully that is all helpful. And again, it’s part of it is how you frame it. And so that’s something I also workshop with clients a little bit more. So in the, for an example, instead of, I wish you would go down on me more.

It could be like, I love this. And would you be open to this? And you know, that would feel like really exciting to me. Um, so frame it as much as you can in a positive way. All right. So if all of this is resonating, this is exactly what I help clients with inside my Intimacy Infusion Program. Um, where I walk people through the   📍 Pathway to Passion for building intimacy, building sexual confidence.

 Um, and we start with emotional intimacy, right? That is foundational. Um, so if you are ready to go deeper with this book, a free consultation, the link will be pinned in the comments on YouTube and it will also be in the show notes.   📍 Um, if you liked the show, uh, please make sure you follow it. There is more where this came from.

Um, and if you are on YouTube,  uh,   📍 make sure to turn the notification bell on too. I’ve noticed that like a lot of the channels I follow, I’m like, why didn’t I see they posted a new video? Cause I didn’t have the little notification bell on. So, um, but yeah, thank you so much for listening to the show. Love you guys.

 And we’ll catch you next week. Bye everybody.

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