I think it’s actually like a very underemployed tool. It’s free and it’s like why, why are doctors not recommending this if there’s so many freaking health benefits? Because our culture is uncomfortable talking about sex, that’s why. So that is the only reason. That’s stopping people from accessing feeling better in their bodies and feeling healthier.

This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello, my friends.

I am excited to be here for a solo episode with you today. And in fact, we’re going to be talking about solo sex or masturbation. Um, but before we get into that, I haven’t always been reading the reviews lately, and we got a nice couple reviews in, so I’m just going to read one of them. Um, your reviews mean a lot, by the way.

They kind of keep me going. They’re like, Food for the podcaster’s soul. So if you have time to leave a rating or review, super appreciated. They also help us get towards the top 1%, which is my goal by the end of this year. So even a few seconds to just leave a star rating is super appreciated. So this one says, it’s from John the Jet.

I like the fun names people have, uh, very informative. I appreciate the facts and straight talk gives one many things to think about, but it also normalizes sex talk, which is something that many people in many cultures. I love the discussions about normalizing conversation rather than shaming. So, thank you very much, John.

I appreciate that a lot because getting rid of shame and stigma around sex is one of my top goals. And helping us shift the conversation to What do we like, and how can we connect, and how can we feel safe, and how can we feel free, and creative, and enjoy who we are, and enjoy the gift of being in this body, and the pleasure that it can bring.

So I’m glad that that came through. So, without further ado, we’re going to talk about a few different aspects of solo sex today. So first I want to mention Some of the messages that we get around self touch, and it’s a unique position being a sex therapist because I do get adult clients that come in and talk about traumatic or semi traumatic experiences as a kid.

Where they were touching themselves and somebody was like, Oh, stop that right now or that’s inappropriate or no, you’re not supposed to touch yourself there, right? And so then we kind of carry that with us, where there, there can be this shame around self touch. There can be shame around experiencing pleasure in our body and sort of autonomy in our body, right?

And You know, I’m 43 now, but it’s been a while since I’ve been a kid, but you know, I see this still with, there was a sex education account on. Instagram, and they had some posts that was like, Oh, you know, tell the kid that’s not appropriate or that’s private parts. And I was like, Oh my God, we’re repeating the shame cycle.

When is the counselor supposed to be helping people? Um, so I did call them out in the comments and I was like, They’re moving us in the right direction. So if you are a parent, also being mindful of that. Like, what messaging are we giving kids around touching themselves? And maybe just that it’s like, Okay, cool, this is not like a public thing we do, but you do what you want with your body in private.

You know, enjoy yourself. So being mindful of that is important as well. And I think that this kind of dovetails with my recent solo episode about the good girl syndrome. So that was episode 46 if you want to check that one out. But this idea that it’s like if you’re touching yourself, if you’re experiencing pleasure, if you’re just in your sexual energy for your own enjoyment.

It’s like, uh, especially if you’re socialized as a, as a female, like, we don’t know. We’re not so sure if that’s good, or especially if you’re socialized as religious too, regardless of gender. Right? It’s like, Ooh, that’s a sin. That’s bad. You’re bad. And it’s like, okay. And I’m not a Bible scholar. Maybe it says that in the Bible.

Maybe it doesn’t, but that’s not my belief system. My beliefs, even though I was raised Catholic and then Buddhist for a while and now just kind of nothing. But, you know, it’s like, I think our bodies are a gift and I think that we’re meant to appreciate them and take care of them and enjoy what they do bring to us.

It’s like, like, I also think life is hard enough. Like, why can’t we enjoy the things we were given to enjoy? Um, so that’s my personal thought on that. It’s also my professional thought on that. There’s a lot of research that You know, masturbation can help us get to know our body and get to know what brings us pleasure, what works for us in terms of sexual touch, and then to bring that into our partnerships as well.

So, not only is it good for you, it’s good for your partnership. And so if you’re, if you’ve been uncomfortable, to take some time and just sit with that and be like, why? What, what are the thoughts? What are the thoughts that are coming up for me? Is it like, I don’t have time? I feel dirty. I’m not comfortable with my genitals.

You know, I also think that, uh, people with a vulva and vagina are also socialized to be like, ooh, periods, and ooh, blood comes out of there, like, you know, various secretions, and to think like, oh, it’s gonna smell down there, you know, and so there’s a lot of sort of, uh, associations with genitals and being kind of gross.

I think that people with a penis are often socialized to think. You know, oh, this is great. This is my penis. I can play with it whenever I want, but then there’s, there’s also more comparisons having a more external genitalia and more concerns with size, you know, um, while a lot of people might say like, oh, she had a really tight pussy.

It’s like, it’s not as common as talking about penis size, I think, because it’s internal and not super visible. So. You know, there’s pros and cons. We’ve all got our own stuff going on. Um, but notice it. Just notice what’s coming up for you around it. Or maybe on the other hand, you’re like, Oh my god, I can’t stop masturbating.

This is great. I can masturbate like six times a day. Um, and maybe it’s interfering with your life. So I’m a Libra, just had, had a birthday. Um, we like to, we like to be all about balance. So that’s kind of what this episode is about. Like what is healthy, balanced, solo sex and pleasure look like? All right.

So the next point I want to talk about, and this one makes me a little bit sad. But, um, not like deeply sad, but a little bit is a hustle culture. I actually think that our hustle culture are kind of like, go, go, go, do, do, do cross the things off the list. You know, and I’m guilty of this too. We get so sucked into that mode and we get so sucked into the mode of paying out of work.

I see my friends got to do the chores. I should probably get a workout in. And then it’s almost like there’s, we’ve like crowded out room for pleasure, we’ve crowded out room for kind of more of that receptive energy or flowy energy of like, let’s just go with it and like see what happens, right? So we can be so scheduled, so booked, so focused on deriving self worth, I think, from making money, from, um, being successful or being seen as successful.

Um, from other achievements, and I’m not, again, I like those things too, so I’m not saying zero. Don’t focus on those at all, but notice, how does that affect your ability to self pleasure? How does that affect your ability to self care? And I also want to have a caveat in here, self care can start to feel like a to do list too.

It can start to feel like, Oh, I’m supposed to do this. I’m supposed to, like, go on a walk, I’m supposed to get sunlight, I’m supposed to do my red light therapy, I’m supposed to take my supplements, you know, I’m supposed to meditate, and then it’s just like, is any of this even helping us? If it’s just a one big should?

So then when we start to think about, like, sexual energy and pleasure, It could be like, this is not even like in my top 20 list, you know, like I got shit to do. Right? But then what happens? Like what happens when we take a step back and look at the big picture of our life? It’s like, oh, so I’m getting a lot done.

I’m just not enjoying any of it. Or I’m quote unquote doing self care, but I’m not feeling any better because it’s just another thing to cross off my to do list. So that’s something to kind of be in tune with. And what does it look like to create a life where. There’s room for pleasure, that’s maybe step one, and then maybe the step two is where pleasure is centered, where maybe it becomes more of a primary focus, and you know I’m a big believer in the law of attraction, so if we’re experiencing more pleasure, more connection, more in touch with ourselves, more accepting, less judgmental of ourselves, what kind of ripple effect is that going to have?

What kind of energy are we going to be able to bring to Our work to our passions to our purpose to our children to our other relationships when we’re kind of filled up because we’re in touch with ourselves and experiencing pleasure and having fun, you know, I’m going to do a next solo episode on orgasm.

I’ll get more into some of the health benefits specifically, but there’s some good stuff that happens in our body. And I do think it’s interesting that there’s still a lot more focus on, you know, Neutropics and supplements and, you know, hacking our health in different ways and sex is still left out of the conversation, but it’s a huge health hack.

It’s a huge hack for everything and I, and I just, I want this episode to really help you reevaluate the order of things. You know, we, we think about like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. So we’ve got, you know, getting our basic needs met, so like food, clothing, shelter, and I’m okay with that. If you’re like, food, clothing, shelter are kind of at risk right now, I’m okay with sex taking a backseat.

Once, once those needs are met, then I would kind of really be like, dude, can I reevaluate my priorities here? Can, can sex or pleasure or sensuality You know, however you want to lean into that pleasure, can that move up the ranks a bit? All right. So, and I will say, what happens then, because I’ve had clients who are like, Oh, I used to be able to orgasm easily.

Now I’m having a harder time. And I’ll ask, you know, are you masturbating? Are you doing kind of self pleasure practices? And they’ll say, yeah. And then I say, okay, well, what’s going on then? Like what’s going on? And they’ll be like, well, I’m thinking that I don’t really have time. I’m thinking I really only have 30 minutes or it can’t take longer than a certain amount of time.

And then I’m feeling like I have to get dinner on the table. And it’s like, okay, so that’s another way that the hustle culture can kind of impede on our pleasure and not allow space for it. Okay, so on the flip side, there’s also some other things that can be challenges when it comes to solo sex. So some of the common things that I come across, um, one in the first two go together.

One is the penis death grip. And two is porn addiction. And so those two will often go together. We have a whole episode coming up about porn addiction with a guest. So stay tuned for that. Make sure you’re following the show if you’re not yet. But sometimes we can get into porn to the point where it interferes with other areas of our life, where we’re spending hours on end, where we can’t perform because maybe we had, uh, you know, a couple orgasms on our own, and we’re kind of tapped out and, you know, need a refractory period.

Um, and there could be a sense of needing more and more stimulation or just really wanting more and more stimulation to get those, you know, adrenaline hits or dopamine hits or whatever hormones are released. So that’s something to look out for, you know, is what I’m doing when it comes to masturbation working for me or not.

On the flip side, it could be, you know, and actually these overlap too. Masturbation’s lost its fun. It reminds me of a lyric from the Green Day song, when masturbation has lost its fun. And, you know, just like we get lazy in relationships, we get lazy with masturbation, you know? It’s like, if you use a vibrator, it’s like, okay, cool.

I just, you know, lay in my bed and use the same vibrator and sometimes I’m like not even in the mood or, you know, I watch porn, but it’s not fully satisfying. You know, I use my hand, whatever you use, I use my hand or it’s the same thing every time. And then you’re kind of like, I don’t know, does this even like do much for me?

That’s real, and I think just like sex with another human, it takes some effort, and I think it’s really interesting. I think it’s like, are we worth putting that effort in for ourself? What if we blindfolded ourself? That would be interesting. What if we tried masturbating with some different music on?

What if we tried putting some aromatherapy on or lighting some candles in a room? You know, what if you experimented with self restraint if you’re kind of into bondage? What would that look like? You should be careful. You know, make sure you’re not gonna get yourself stuck somewhere, but um, How can you make things interesting?

How can you experiment with different stimuli? So if you’re used to watching video porn, you’re feeling like, you know, I just don’t feel like my creative brain is being as engaged as I would like it to be. You know, sex and creativity are very connected. If you’re into the chakra system, I did a guest episode on the podcast, Your Chakra Coach, where we talked about the second chakra.

So the sacral chakra or the second chakra is both the center for sexuality and creativity. And when you think that sexuality is how life is created, It makes sense that they go together, right? And so how can we bring more of that creative energy to enhance our own sexual energy? So what would that look like?

And if you’re, especially if you’re single and wanting a partner, how would you want a lover to show up for you? You know, do you want them to make the effort? Do you want them to lay out some sex toys? Do you want them to come to you with a few different ideas of, you know, sexy thoughts that they’ve been having of things you could try?

What would it look like to do that for yourself? And maybe not every time, right? Maybe it’s still like, you know what? I’m just happy to like have some fun masturbating and it doesn’t need to be novel every time, but what if it’s like every three times or every five times where you mix it up a little bit?

Right, just to kind of show up for yourself. It’s actually a way of showing up for yourself. So that is one thought that I have for you guys. There’s a few reasons I think why masturbation might be something people choose to do and I also wanted to mention that because It, it also ties into the different reasons we have sex.

So if you listen to the episode recently with Dr. Joe Court, which is episode 47, you know, we talk about sometimes straight men will have sex with men because they like prostate play. So you might have sex just to kind of experience your own sexual energy. You might want to be sexual to relieve stress and kind of get more relaxed because there’s a lot of nice hormones that can be released.

You might want to have solo sex to enhance your own physical health, right? There’s times for me where I feel achy or I can tell that there’s just some stagnation feeling in my body. I might feel puffy. I might feel a little more stiff. And masturbation or orgasm can really help relieve that. So this is actually, I think it’s actually like a very underemployed tool.

It’s free, and it’s like, why, why are doctors not recommending this if there’s so many freaking health benefits? Because our culture is uncomfortable talking about sex, that’s why. So that is the only reason. That’s stopping people from accessing feeling better in their bodies and feeling healthier. It’s like shocking.

It’s like kind of psycho, right? When you think about it, like, why would we not tap into that? And it’s just the discomfort. And so that speaks to the importance of getting past the discomfort, talking about it, embracing who we are. Okay, so You know, and this is one of the reasons why people who identify as asexual usually, or often, still masturbate because it’s not just about being in the sexual energy, it is also those feel good hormones and those physical health benefits and the sensual enjoyment that’s maybe not always sexual or based on that type of arousal.

Um, if you are more in the sexual energy, you might want to masturbate because You’re feeling aroused. Maybe you saw someone really sexy. Maybe you watched a sexy movie and you’re all of a sudden in the mood. Maybe you’re in a romance book club and you’re like, Ooh, this just got hot. Let me go, you know, some of that pleasure for myself.

Maybe you see yourself in the mirror and you’re like, Damn, I look good. You could do a whole episode on that, kind of being turned on by yourself. So there’s a lot of reasons for it. And so if this is something where you’re like, Okay, Heather, I’m sold. I’m going to put a little more effort in. Like, what, what are your recommendations?

So there’s a few things. So I would say, you know, you want to engage in self pleasure to learn your body more. So I was recently listening to a podcast clip from another show, and it talked about pleasure mapping. So even just this idea of touching your whole body and just being curious, totally detaching from, you know, the idea of orgasm.

What if it’s just like, I’m gonna touch, yesterday I spent some time touching my wrist. I’ve gotten very comfortable with these things, right? I was like, okay, I crack my wrists a lot when I do get the joint achiness. And I was like, I’m just gonna sort of like tenderly pet my wrist and see like, what does that feel like to be present with a part of my body that’s not feeling awesome right now?

And it felt kind of amazing. It’s like, wow, I’ve never really been so present with my wrist before. Okay, cool. Or like the inside of your forearm, right? There’s some like really delicate skin there that’s like not as exposed to the sun. And what if you just kind of like lightly touch that part? Or this is So a lot of you might know of this, the tingler, I think is what it’s called.

It’s like that thing with the little metal prongs that goes over your head and it feels like a scalp orgasm is what it feels like. That could be a form of self pleasure. So I want us to sort of expand our definition of solo sex and masturbation. Because you deserve some solo foreplay too, right? I think most of us probably don’t do a ton of that.

And so, like, what if, what if we de emphasize our own orgasm in that way and we connect with our whole body and start to connect with pleasure in our whole body and notice, you know, maybe it’s like you touch your eyelids or your face and you’re just like, okay, like, what? What feels nice here? Do I want to put some coconut oil on my body and kind of do a massage?

Do I want to get one of those Wurttemberg pinwheel things and kind of experience different types of textures and sensations? Maybe you have like a furry blanket or some silky sheets. And so part of this, this kind of leads into my next recommendation, part of this is about being mindful and being present.

And this is part of the antidote to the hustle culture, right? Because when we’re like, I don’t know, running around, got to do all the things. We’re not just like, Ah, I’m feeling my feet. I’m feeling my belly. I’m feeling the movement of my rib cage. I’m noticing, you know, parts of my body that feel relaxed and parts of my body that feel tight.

I’m noticing what parts of my body want to be touched. Okay, one other thing I want to mention here is what’s so interesting about solo sex is that you are both the toucher and the receiver of touch. And so I had an energy healer tell me once, He’s like, you’re really good at giving yourself self love, just self care, self love in general.

He’s like, you’re not as good at receiving it. I was like, ooh, that’s interesting. And so I’ve been thinking lately about how that pertains to masturbation, you know. And sometimes when I’m masturbating, it’s like, Okay, there’s parts of it where there’s more efforting, there’s more attachment to the outcome, there’s more trying to get to an orgasm, and those are never as fun.

There’s other times, they’re still somewhat fun, let’s be real, but there’s other times where it’s just like, oh, that feels so good, right? And you’re able to kind of be in that receiving mode. And so like with the idea of touching my hand, am I sort of in the hand that’s doing the touching? Or am I like in the wrist or the part of the hand that’s receiving and just noticing how nice it feels there?

So it’s really kind of cool and interesting how we can practice focusing our mind. Where we want to focus it and so that’s something I would encourage you to play around with how can you? Receive your own touch and be present to those sensations and then mix it up, right? Try masturbating in different rooms try different toys try different types of mental stimulation I think we so often leave the mental part out of it, and I think it’s perhaps the most important part.

So what gets you in the mood, right? And, and what’s the difference? So here’s another area where you can start to be curious. What’s the difference between when you’re mentally turned on going into solo sex and when you’re not mentally turned on and you’re just kind of wanting it for the stress relief and so the arousal isn’t really there yet.

So I invite you all to be curious. Um, I hope this is super helpful. If you’re realizing as I’m talking, like Gosh, I’m not very in touch with my sexual energy or, you know, this is affecting how I feel about myself, how I’m showing up in dating or in committed relationships, perhaps it’s impacting, you know, you’re struggling with your ability to talk about it with a partner or to access your own libido and it’s really hurting the relationship.

I am offering a free Ignite Your Intimacy Breakthrough Session. So you can click the top of the show notes. There’s a link there where you can request a session. And if it’s a good fit, we’ll talk. And I’ll give you my top three recommendations on what you can do to get towards that vision you have for yourself of a more connected and pleasurable life.

So. Thank you all so much for listening. If you love this episode, uh, share it with somebody. Feel free to tag me in social media. Also feel free to DM me. I’m, I’m pretty active on Instagram at Ask a Sex Therapist, um, and I love hearing from you guys. So thanks again for listening. We’ll catch you next week.

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 You