📍 📍 Hello, my friends. This episode is for the ladies, but those of you who are not ladies are still welcome to listen. Um, because you probably know a lady, uh, or perhaps you’re socialized as a female and you’re still affected by these issues. Uh, we’re going to talk about body image today. And, and I want to recognize that all people, regardless, regardless of gender, Deal with body image issues these days.

It’s it’s become more and more of like an equal opportunity destroyer of fun So   📍 📍 let’s combat that  I’m gonna as I often do I’m gonna embarrass myself with all of my stories of body image struggles Hopefully for your benefit. So I hope I hope that you enjoy and appreciate that So, a couple things today, um, I’m going to also refer you guys back to our   📍 📍 How to Feel Sexy episode, which is episode number nine,  if you’re looking for even more of this.

Um, that’s actually our number one most popular solo podcast episode in the history of the podcast. Um, so I wanted to do another one, you know, really focused on body image, um, and feeling good in our body. To the best of our ability. Um, I also want to remind you   📍 guys to follow the show. If you’re listening on an audio podcast platform, hit that follow button.

If you are on YouTube, subscribe.  Um, we are very close to monetizing the YouTube channel, which is awesome. It’s going to help us just kind of keep upping our game. We’ve already upped We’ve upgraded the audio equipment and we’re upgrading some of the editing on video over on YouTube. So definitely check that out if you haven’t already.

And if you stay to the end, we’re also going to have a freebie for you guys related to this topic. So hang out with us for a while, enjoy my embarrassing stories, and hopefully learn something. Um, alright, so we’re going to dive into the first story.   📍 Let me take you back to suburban Chicago.  The Scene,   📍 a Kohl’s department store.

 Uh, Heather is 12 in this scenario. Um, I’m with my mom, and we go to the Intimate Apparel department, and my mom yells across the department, Just, you know, she’s, she’s like, not really worried about these things. Heather, what size are you? Are you a 34A?

Just like, I mean, I can laugh about it now, thank God, right? But, um, as the 12 year old, 12 year old Heather is just literally horrified and mortified and just wants to like, crawl into a cave and die. And cannot believe that my mom would be so bold and inconsiderate to yell that across the department. Now, I don’t know if anyone even heard her.

Right? That’s kind of beside the point. The point is, I was in, like, such discomfort, well, first of all, that I ran away. I literally walked away as if she was not my mom and definitely not talking to me. Then I was like, and I, then I, then of course she, like, yelled after me because she had no clue what was happening inside my head.

Um, and I was just like, yeah, definitely don’t know that lady. And so I just went as far away from her as I could. Um, I don’t even remember what happened after that. Like, I’m sure we regrouped at some point. But, um, yeah, I was so uncomfortable, you know, as a kid, I was uncomfortable, like, changing my clothes in front of people.

I was very modest in that way. Um, I, yeah, I just didn’t want anyone, like, seeing my body or judging my body. I remember my parents had also told me stories of boys snapping girls bras when they were growing up. Where they would, the boys would kind of like, uh, I think either just like pull the back of it and like snap their back with it so it like, you know, stung a little bit or like they would unhook them.

They would kind of like find a way to like move their hands, like quick unhook someone’s bra and then, you know,   📍 the boobs are flying free.  Um, and so I think these stories kind of traumatized me. I was the kid who, um, Thought all the bad things would happen to me. Like, you know how they talk about, you know, yeah, you gotta, you know, you gotta wear condoms and you always think it’s not going to happen to you that you’re going to get an STI or they’re going to get pregnant or get someone pregnant.

I did. I thought it would all happen to me. So I also just have like weird feelings about wearing a bra and is this going to like signal to the boys in class that they’re going to like snap the bra? So there was just so much discomfort there, right? And like how I would be perceived and how I felt in my own body and kind of just wanting to like divorce myself from my body altogether.

Um, obviously I got past it. Because now we’re talking about it. The reason I’m sharing these stories is because I want people to know, even if you’re starting from a point of being like deeply uncomfortable and ashamed, it is so possible and honestly probable that you’re going to get to a much better place in terms of comfort with your body and comfort with your sexuality.

if you’re intentional about it.   📍 So just by listening to this podcast, that means you’re being intentional about it.  So we’re, we’re off to a good start there. Um, and I, and I also just wanted to share because, you know, we all have different reasons and different like core memories that stick with us that sometimes like parts of us are holding onto, right?

Like, you know, that I’m a internal family systems therapist and coach. And so, A big part of that is like, there’s, there’s probably still somewhere in me, like a part that holds on to embarrassment or shame around my body, whether I’m being perceived as sexual or not sexual enough, you know, there can be some fear around that.

Okay, so moving on, then, then young Heather eventually goes to college and, and I know I’ve mentioned this before, but, you know, I, I don’t think I’ve actually mentioned this part. I struggled with binge eating in high school. You know, definitely was like eating my feelings. I’m a sensitive person. I live in a highly sensitive body with a highly sensitive nervous system.

And, you know, I didn’t know how to like talk about things or if it was important to talk about feelings and, um, You know, we, we all need to talk about that stuff. And as a kid, you kind of just like, don’t know what’s okay. And you don’t necessarily want to like talk about family secrets or throw anyone else under the bus or rock the boat in the family.

And so, um, so I, so what, what I did was internalizing is basically what that is called. And so, uh, you can internalize in a lot of different ways, but basically I was, you know, eating food to, to numb some feelings. I think there’s like a sedation element of, especially like, uh, carby processed sugary foods, um, that was involved there.

And so that led to weight gain, right? Not surprisingly, I had lost some weight, and then I had, now I was gaining the weight. And so I went to college, you know, having recently gained a bunch of weight, which is a tough age to kind of have done that. And so the mindset that I was in was, you know, a kind of, Oh, no, or, you know, people might not look at me as attractive and, uh, I kept gaining weight through college and it was a point where I.

I really didn’t think that anyone saw me in a sexual light. I had a very narrow view at the time of like, what is sexy? What is attractive? And in my mind, it was thin, period, end of story, right? And because that was something I had struggled with, and you know, some of the messaging around me and around all of us really about being thin, um, I, I had internalized that idea.

And so it was like, well, I’m certainly not going to like flirt with anybody else. Right. Like that. So I’m like, I would make such a fool of myself. Like, nobody’s going to like, look at me that way. I’m just going to be an embarrassment. Right. And. And so, not surprisingly, there weren’t a ton of great romantic experiences.

There were some people who still expressed interest in me and, and that can be somewhat validating at times. Um, but I got through college just like not having dated much and, and still not feeling super confident in my body. So, uh, fast forward to dating. So this was, this was like 2002. I might’ve waited until like a year after college, but I was kind of an early entrant into the online dating world.

And I remember trying match. com at the time and going out with a bunch of different people. I was like, okay, here’s like these options where it’s like accessible to me now. And. And because people are very clearly opting in and know what I’m looking like, I don’t have to have as much of that fear and self consciousness about my appearance, right?

And so the reason I’m sharing this one too is that like there are tools out there that can like help us overcome some of the self consciousness that we have. Um, and there’s mental reframes. And so reminding yourself if you have a partner and you’re not super in love with your body, like, This, this partner of mine very clearly sees my body, um, and, or feels my body, and is, is opting in.

They’re very clearly opting in. Um, and we have to remember that. And And also, like, who are we to tell someone else what’s sexy, right? Like, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say. I actually think that’s very true. I don’t think that’s something that we should just, like, say to make ourselves feel better.

It’s factual, you know? Like, you might think someone’s really hot, and your best friend’s like, no, not my type, right? That’s just how it works. So same applies to you. Um, so yeah, so then I had this experience of, you know, going on dates and I think I went on maybe eight dates with different people and it was kind of like, Oh, most of them want to see me again.

Okay. Like maybe I am desirable, right? So we have to put ourselves in situations where we can have an experience that challenges our So I love talk therapy. I’m a talker as you’ve probably noticed. And We can talk about all these concepts and we can kind of get to, like, what are some of those core memories and we can do some really good healing work with that and you still need to go out into the world and put yourself out there a little bit and have a new experience because I think it’s those new experiences that really give us some evidence to challenge those thoughts and start adopting new belief systems and new thoughts of like, oh, Maybe I am a little haughty, you know, like how’s that feel?

I feel a lot better than oh my god. No one would ever flirt with me because like I am unacceptable Yes, it felt a lot better That was my experience Okay, and then we fast forward a little bit more and I had Uh fall while I was skiing so it was an interesting experience actually because I had been doing a lot of like, uh, buddhist courses and retreats and Meditating and mindfulness and things like that.

And so when I fell I actually didn’t freak out like I knew something Not great had happened, but I didn’t freak out. Uh, I did have to have ACL surgery So I had ACL surgery on my knee and it’s a tough recovery It’s like a nine month recovery and you’re kind of immobilized for a little bit afterwards And so you can’t really put weight on it for a while and you’re like in this, you know Leg straightener thing to make sure you don’t like lose mobility And I had always had these very thick thighs, right?

And I remember, I remember seeing, I think it was Bonnie Blair, the speed skater, growing up. And I was like, oh, there’s thighs like mine being represented. Um, and I come from a family of thick thighs as well on my dad’s side. So it’s just, it’s just my genetics. And, but I was like, this is not what my friend’s thighs look like, you know, this is unacceptable.

And, uh, you know, all these messages that we tell ourselves, which now it’s like. It makes me sad that that’s how I felt for a while, but I’m also really grateful that I was able to move past that. And so, yeah. So when I started to lose these muscles in my leg, it made me so sad and so appreciative and it made me realize like, Oh my God.

Like I’ve been hating on my legs my whole life and they’re amazing. Like what I got to stop doing that. I got to appreciate them. And so then having, especially having to work to get all the muscles back, you know, which honestly my right leg still is not quite the same as the left, but, um, It really did give me a new appreciation, and, and one of the things I like to remind people of is, you know, whether you’re able bodied or disabled, whether you’re old or young, um, regardless of, you know, your race, uh, body shape and size, if you’re alive and listening to this, your body is doing, like, a tremendous amount of things correct.

It’s, it’s doing so many things well for you. And I just think that we forget that and I think that that mindset shift alone can be so, so helpful, you know, it’s like what if it’s not about trying to get our body to like   📍 fit into this little box  of whatever we think it should be and what if it’s more about like, I appreciate my skin for protecting me from the elements and I appreciate that I can, you know, hear and learn from these wonderful audio formats that And I appreciate that I can feel sunshine on my skin and have all of these amazing and pleasurable, I might add, um, experiences.

There’s also painful experiences of being in the human body. We know this. You know, but it’s very alive. It’s like this body is like our gift. And so just to start to view it that way, like, wow, like without me even thinking about it, my body is breathing itself. And my body’s like digesting food for me and, you know, allowing me to have five senses and just whatever it is, all of our bodies are different, but like.

So many things are happening that’s just kind of miraculous at any given time in our body. So, so I’d like to offer that idea to you that your body is legit a miracle. 📍 Okay, and then the other thing that I wanted to talk about is unwanted attention. And I think this is one that does apply much more to women and people who are assigned female at birth or present as women.

Um, We get a lot more unwanted attention and this is something I’ve experienced. It’s also something I’ve seen with clients. Um, especially if a woman is more curvaceous, especially if a girl develops earlier and, and has larger breasts at an earlier age, there’s been research on that, that that can lead to, um, more body image issues for women even later on.

Um, you know, I’ve had clients that had curvier, you know, behinds and, um, And then it would create embarrassment because they would be catcalled or stared at or objectified. Right? And, and I’ve talked about the objectification in some other episodes. I think when I had like a question about a larger penis size and how a young man felt about that.

You know, and I’ve also experienced it, frankly, with this job, right? It’s like I’m putting content out there. I’m trusting that people are receiving it, you know, in good faith and maybe just enjoying it, being entertained, being a little educated, maybe experiencing some healing, hopefully. Um, but what happens is just by me putting content out there and talking about sex.

Um, I get unwanted attention, right? I get unsolicited dick pics, uh, I get people wanting to know about my sex life when we don’t have a personal relationship, um, you know, I get comments and emails that are weird that I don’t need.  I get people trying to book appointments with me that don’t actually want my coaching services  and just want to be titillated and talk about sex and so I have to do a lot of screening with that.

I get it. Like, when you’re, when you’re kind of seen as like an object or a novelty and not as a full human with feelings and thoughts and a heart and so much more to you than like one part of your body. Um, it can be tough, and I think that we can be tempted to shut down, we can be tempted to, um, gain weight, which I know is something that I have done probably more unconsciously.

Um, we Maybe just, yeah, don’t do her hair, don’t put makeup on. I talked to one, uh, beautiful young woman a few years ago, and she cut all her hair off and had like a, a boyish haircut because she was uncomfortable with, you know, being seen as so sexual. And I think so much of why this happens is because of how uncomfortable our society is with sex.

And because we don’t know how to manage our urges. And so often I think that, you know, men find women so beautiful and attractive and sexy, but there needs to be a balance of, and they know how to manage that attraction. I was actually listening to, uh, a YouTube video with Eckhart Tolle where he was talking about this and a young man very bravely kind of said, sometimes, like, how do I find that balance between, you know, attraction without it becoming compulsive or harmful and, and Eckhart’s answer was really interesting.

So I wanted to share it. It was basically like,   📍 almost like meditate on that feeling of attraction.  It’s like when you feel some kind of sexual urge or inclination, what if you can just be with it and notice the sensation in your body and not have to like react to it immediately or do anything about it?

And what if you remind yourself of like, wow, I can appreciate this beauty. I can notice the sensations in my body. I can remind myself to have compassion for this person who is the object of my attraction and to see them as a whole person. So I think that that can be a practice. And if you are on the receiving end, uh, of this unwanted attention, I guess what I want to say is it’s okay if you need to shut down temporarily.

Right? It’s okay if you need to protect yourself in some way. Um, I think it’s important that we feel safe first and foremost. I’m, you know, you guys hear me talk about that all the time. So yeah, if you’re like, hey, yeah, I need to be a little frumpy right now. I need to gain some weight. I need to like not draw attention to my body.

I need to maybe not go out as much. It’s like you need to do what you need to do and I would encourage you not to stay there forever. I would encourage you to You know, kind of like not let someone dim your light, right? And it, and it might mean that you speak up for yourself. It might mean that you get trained in, you know, some kind of   📍 self defense or martial arts.

 It might mean, but like, think about like, how can you feel more safe in the world? How, and I, and I do think there’s some elements of like law of attraction here, but I also, where we can like have healthy beliefs and that will help us feel safer. But there’s also some elements of like, You know, I went for a walk the other day and like what I thought were very unattractive sweatpants, uh, very covered up outfit.

And some jerk sticks his head out of the car window and like make some comment to me. And so then I wind up just having to take a different way home. Right. And so I, I also think part of the reason why I wanted to talk about this is it’s real. And We so often think about, you know, rape or sexual assault, but there’s so many more small microaggressions, you could say, um, against women when it comes to sexuality that lead to us not feeling as safe.

And so if you’re partnered with a woman to just be sensitive to that and to see like, how can I provide a safe space for her? How can I be somewhat of a rock? How can I be consistent and reliable and comforting and, you know, appreciate her beauty without making it all that she is, right? Um, cause I don’t think the answer is.

Stop appreciating beauty or stop feeling sexually attracted to people. I’m certainly not trying to promote that.   📍 But It’s like, you might have to ask her,  you know, what feels safe? What feels like too much for you? What feels like pressure? What feels like, you know, I’m trying to initiate without pressure, you know?

Like, how do we find that line? And, and so I think discussion is also important with that. Um, I want to close though with some, some action items that you guys can take in terms of shifting how you feel in your body. So, A lot of these are things that I’ve personally done that have really helped me in my journey because I, I can now say that I don’t have a perfect body image, but I would say I’m like, well, well above average, right?

Even if I’m not feeling particularly sexy, which for me is often correlated to bloating. Um, even if I’m not feeling particularly sexy, I don’t hate on my body. And even if I feel like, you know what, my stomach has some extra role happening now that I’m not in love with, I still don’t hate on it. Like, I will say nice things to my stomach.

I will touch my stomach lovingly. Right? So, so that’s something actually that you could do. Um, but I stopped participating in diet conversations, probably like. 15 20 years ago, maybe 20. Um, I’m like, you know, I’m just going to opt out of these. I’m not going to talk about it. I’m not going to, you know, participate in like crazy extreme diets.

I’m not going to kind of encourage that with my friends. I’m not going to like strategize with them about it. And so if that’s something you feel like you’re getting stuck in, sucked into, um, maybe just let your friends know like, Hey, I realized that I don’t really want to be focusing on that, you know, and like if you want to lose weight or do whatever, totally support you in that.

But like, I’m probably just not going to be the best person to talk to about it. Um, and then the media we consume, and I’ve mentioned this before, and this includes advertisements,   📍 this includes social media,  this includes, you know, shows that you watch, but just notice how you feel. And if there’s a show you love, but you’re telling yourself everyone in here is so hot, I’m never going to look like that.

Maybe you could just be like, okay, so what? Like, what if I don’t need to look like that to be happy? Great. What if I’m just going to get my hair done and make it cuter and that’ll be enough? Um, because when we are bombarded with those messages, both externally and internally in our own brains, Um, That can really change how we feel about ourselves.

So, uh, so I, I’m basically not on Instagram anymore. Uh, the editor of the show is the one posting on there. Um, I do respond to the YouTube comments.   📍 So definitely comment on YouTube if you guys are following there watching.  Um, I also would say balance with what you see in media, uh, with what you see in real life.

So some of the things that you can do, like real basic stuff, go to Walmart, you know, see what average people in America look like.   📍 Get on public transportation, right?  Um, I, I’m from Chicago originally, so I went to King’s Spa in Chicago. It’s a Korean spa. You have, they make you be naked and, uh, they separate it by sex.

Um, so they make you be naked, and, uh, and you just see all different body types, and you’re like, Oh, I guess I don’t really normally look at a bunch of other people naked, but you just realize they’re just regular old bodies, right? And it’s very normalizing. Um, I also think that watching, uh, porn or erotica that features different types of bodies could be interesting.

FetLife is great for that. Just seeing pictures of different body types and seeing that so many people find this person attractive even if they’re not conventionally what society tells us, you know, is that narrow box that we need to fit into, um, I think that can be helpful as well. And with that, one of my main points is like, let’s also do a reframe because when I was growing up and thinking I have to be thin and this is the only way to be attractive, my mindset was I have to be in some kind of like top percentage of attractive people.

And, and then I’m going to get the best partner or the most love. And it’s just like, that sounds absurd to say it out loud. Right. Um, or you think you’re going to the hottest partner, but then it’s like, Is that actually what you need to feel the best? I don’t know. , so I think we got to shift that.

It’s like, what if, what if everyone can be sexy? What if it’s not a competition? What if it’s just like all the different flavors of sexy? Which I think that is actually the truth. Um, but we have to, we do have to choose to unsubscribe. And I think what you have to do is like, Okay, here’s where I’m at now.

Here’s my set of beliefs. How is this working for me? And if you’re like, Oh, well, my body image sucks. I’m taking away all the fun during sex, or I don’t even want to have sex. I’m not allowing my partner to like, enjoy my body. I can’t take a compliment. Um, and I’m fixated on changing my body at any given time.

Then maybe we got to reevaluate, right? Maybe we got to change up some of those beliefs if they’re not working. So that’s what I would encourage you to look at. Um, what else?   📍 Okay, move your body regularly.  So I do think that like the messaging we send to our body and like, hi, body, I will take care of you.

Let me give you some yummy food that also has nutrients. You know, and let me move you around and appreciate your functionality and all the amazing things you can do for me. Or let me pay attention to you if, you know, my neck hurts, I’m going to stretch you. You know, so it’s kind of like this, this relationship with your body.

So just like you have relationships with other people, you have a relationship with your body. So be kind to it. Make it, make it a good one. And then,   📍 Well, similarly address your health. So not just moving your body, but addressing your health.  So I mentioned the bloating for me. It’s like my number one, like least sexy feeling.

And so I got a food marble where I breathe into it and I kind of monitor which foods are triggering bloating and fermentation in the gut and all sorts of nerdy things. Um, you know, I use an infrared sauna regularly, which helps. a ton, uh, with bloating for me, um, and digestion and energy levels and all sorts of things.

So sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error to figure out what helps us feel our best, you know, in terms of energy levels, in terms of digestion. Um, sometimes there’s disability involved and there’s certain things we can’t fix. Right? Sometimes there’s an autoimmune condition, sometimes there’s, you know, so I, we do have to kind of practice acceptance with what, what is in my control.

And I mean, the good news is usually there’s something. Within our control for all of us that will help our experience of being in our body. And then lastly, before we get to our little freebie that I teased earlier,   📍 Engage in sexy things. So if you, uh, Are not in tune with your sexual energy,  it is going to impact how you feel in your body.

But when you’re experiencing sexual pleasure, whether it’s with a partner, whether it’s with yourself, Uh, it really gives you like a little extra pep in your step, you know? So even if you don’t feel sexy, you know, right this very minute, still allow yourself to engage in sexy things. Get a sexy outfit, uh, groom yourself really well, buy yourself a new sex toy, go to a tantra workshop,   📍 go flirt with the barista at your favorite coffee place,  but engage in that energy.

because it will impact how you feel. So along those lines, uh, I do have a freebie that I haven’t talked about on the show before, I don’t think,   📍 called the Guide to Feeling Yourself.  So this is all about embracing your body, stepping forth with confidence, feeling sexy. Um, so we are going to link to that in the show notes, uh, on YouTube and the audio platforms.

So if you are in this position where you’re just like, uh, my body image is killing my libido. My body image is killing my sex life. You know, my partner’s sick of hearing me complain about my body. Please, please, please do yourself a favor and grab a copy of this. Um, thank you so much for listening. I hope you guys enjoyed this.

I look forward to your comments. Let me know on YouTube what landed, what questions do you still have? Uh,   📍 and we will catch you next week on Ask a Sex Therapist. Bye, everybody.

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