📍 📍 Hello, my friends. Uh, if you’re watching on YouTube, I have a different background today. I’m sitting on my day bed.   📍 It’s kind of late at night and I’m sleepy  and I don’t want to sit on my stool and have to have good posture. So here I am and I have my, you can’t see my cats, but they’re both on here with me.

I have one cat over here and one cat over here. So we’re just cozy. So hopefully you’re somewhere cozy or having a leisurely, non stressful drive with no traffic or walking your dog, uh, or having a good workout. So today we’re going to talk about, uh, a topic we haven’t fully, fully covered. And this is something that has come up with more than one of my clients in different ways in the last couple of weeks.

And so I thought it was kind of a worthy topic to address. And that is It’s patiently waiting, perhaps impatiently waiting for your partner to have more interest in s3x while simultaneously trying not to take it personally. So I just want to be very honest that like this is a tall order, right? Like if you’re struggling with like, okay, like I actually have a libido and I’d like my partner and I think they’re s3xy and I want to have s3x with them.

You know, I try to be like cool and chill about it for a while and I get that there’s ups and downs in life, but like, my God, is this killing me, right?   📍 This is sucking the life out of me.  Um, when I have s3x, it’s, you know, fulfilling and I feel energized and I feel like I’m better at everything else in life and I feel more motivated, you know, I feel more loved.

I feel more secure. I feel like I trust in our connection. Like there’s so many. You know wonderful things that we can get from s3x and so I’m definitely not here I think you guys know that by now definitely not here to just like squash your interest in s3x But it might be a little bit of a different perspective than you’re expecting.

So we’re gonna talk about the idea of pressure and how your partner might be perceiving or What is just a healthy interest in s3x on your end is pressure and how that can wind up backfiring and instead of helping you get what you want when you’re communicating your interest, um, or expressing your feelings, it could actually be working against you.

And then we’re also going to talk about why it might be hard for you to be patient, um, while your partner is figuring out what’s going on with their s3x drive or like how to get it back. So let’s get into it. Okay. Um, and then I’m going to also have a supplement for you at the end that could help in some cases to speed things up a little bit with your partner’s s3x drive.

Okay. So, so yeah, so let’s talk about pressure. If your partner is feeling pressured, first of all, you might not know this. So ask. If you’re kind of like, okay, I know I’ve been expressing that I’m like wanting more s3x, my partner’s just like, yeah, I just like don’t have that much interest these days, it’s not about you, whatever, and you’re kind of like, yeah, in theory I hear that, but I just feel like so sad, I don’t feel as connected, and so you might just be expressing your feelings.

Your partner might be feeling pressure, and they might not have the words to say that, so if you’re not sure, and you’ve been in a dynamic like this, ask them.   📍 Hey, like do you feel pressure when I like say that I want s3x  or you know, Do you feel that like maybe the sense of pressure is actually Further reducing your interest in s3x.

Um, that would be an important conversation to have Okay, so what causes the feeling of pressure for typically the lower libido partner? It could be a bunch of things. Um, and I’m going to frame this two ways. So I’m going to kind of say like the surface level outside factors that might be contributing to a feeling of pressure.

Um, and then we’re going to get into the truth that, which is that we’re all radically responsible for our own feelings. Right? So it’s very easy to be like, Oh, well when you say this, it makes me feel this way. You know, when you say you want s3x every day, I feel like I’m never gonna be able to fulfill that and it just feels like, you know, why bother?

Um, or it feels like this pressure cooker and then I’m just like anxious and I don’t want any s3x. Um, or it could be you know, when you quote unquote accept that we’re not having s3x but you’re kind of pouty about it or you’re kind of brooding or then you’re kind of more distant You know, that almost feels like this.

Oh, like I’m supposed to have s3x and I don’t really want to, but maybe I have to make myself, you know, so that can be one of the outside factors. So there’s different scenarios that can happen here. They’re all pretty common. I’m thinking of it like at least three current clients who have this experience, um, in one form or another.

So on the side of the partner who’s feeling the pressure, the lower libido partner, You are actually responsible for your feelings of pressure. So while it can be healthy to kind of make requests of your partner, like, Hey, you know, could you not in front of me? Or could you, um, go have some solo s3x if you want to, or could you try to take it less personally?

Sure. Go ahead and make requests. That’s fine. It might be a yes. It might be a no, right? Like we can’t control other people’s behavior. And so what I want to do is really empower you. If you’re the lower libido partner to look at how Am I thinking in a way that is causing this feeling of pressure? So let’s say we’re the lower libido partner now in this scenario.

All right. So just whoever you really are in the dynamic in real life, just pretend with me. We’re going to all pretend we’re the lower libido partner now. If you’re actually in real life, the higher libido partner, this is just like an empathy exercise. Always good, always helpful. So, we’re the lower libido partner, and we love our partner, and we, in theory, want to have s3x with them, but Life is just fucking kicking our asses right now, right?

Like work might be kicking our butt. Um, it might be that we have more responsibility than we’ve had before at work. It might be that, um, there’s some additional financial stressors at work. It might be that we’re putting in some more hours. It could be that we’re having to take care of a sick relative, uh, or that maybe someone very close to us died, and there’s some grief kind of wrapped up in this low libido experience that we’re having.

Um, it could be that there’s been some perceived betrayals, um, or that, you know, it doesn’t feel like speaking up, our voice has always been fully heard and validated. Um, and so there might not be a feeling of like full relaxation and like emotional safety in that case. So we’re kind of in this situation, but we love our partner and we like, we want to make it work.

And, you know, at the same time, when they’re having this reaction where they kind of get upset, they seem frustrated. Um, they seem like pouty. They seem, uh, just kind of out of even at times like Like, they’re kind of depending on having this s3xual connection with us as the low levito partner in order to feel okay.

Right? And so then, for example, we’re going to kind of separate out the fact from fiction a little bit. So what is the fact of the situation? The fact of the situation could be, hypothetically, My partner initiated s3x, tried to initiate s3x with me. And I just like, if I’m being honest, like I just could not, you know, couldn’t get there.

Like I was just so far from like a turned on mental state that it just kind of had to be a no and I didn’t want to make them feel bad, but it was just a no. And it could be like, okay, and now they’re in the other room and we’re watching separate TV shows and we’re like not really connecting and we’re not really being affectionate and I know they feel rejected and it’s like it wasn’t my intention.

Um, so the facts are partner tried to initiate s3x. I said, no. Then there comes in the fiction part, which is where we make up the story, right? And so what is the story we are telling ourselves about this? I’m gonna give you some examples. , you could, you could try them on and see, oh, does that feel like a story that I’m actually telling myself?

Or could that be a story my partner’s telling themselves? So the story could be something like, uh, like I am, I need to make sure my partner feels better. Like I’m being a shit partner right now. You know, they’re feeling really rejected, neglected, and that’s not okay. Right? And when we have a story like that, how do we feel?

Guilt, pressure, right? So there’s one of our pressure scenarios. Um, it could be something like resentment, even. It could be like, my God, like, can they just give me a moment? Like, I’ve told them how I’m feeling, you know? Um, But it feels like, you know, we have to get to intercourse and that’s all they care about, right?

It’s all about, we have to hit this like end goal of, you know, orgasm or getting naked or intercourse or whatever it is that your partner wants. And whenever we attach to a certain outcome, like we must get to point X, you know, that is what success looks like. And if we don’t, That’s bad, right? So we can feel pressure in that sense of like there’s one successful outcome, and if we’re not getting there, that’s bad, that’s failure, that’s letting my partner down, right?

And so what I want to present here, what I want you to really reflect on is, it’s the story that we’re telling ourselves that creates the feeling of pressure, along with other feelings like failure and guilt, right? And I’m going to present a different story you can tell yourself. The story could also be like, okay, my partner’s feelings are my partner’s feelings.

Like that’s none of my business. Like if they’re feeling frustrated or, um, if they’re feeling, um, neglected or if they’re feeling like, I don’t care. Or I’m unattracted or if they’re feeling like a threat to the relationship And when I say it’s none of my business, it doesn’t mean like don’t care It’s just mean don’t care at all But it does mean maybe like there’s a healthy boundary of like how much you care and in what way you care right because When we start taking responsibility for our partner’s feelings When we start feeling like that’s on me that becomes codependency Right.

And so it doesn’t mean we don’t want to be supportive. So let me explain, like, where is that line? Because you might be wondering, like, okay, Heather, so am I just supposed to like not care about my partner? No, that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is, all of us are first and foremost primarily responsible for our own mental health, emotional well being, our thoughts, our feelings.

Like, no one else can be inside our mind or body. Like, we are the only one there, right? And so, just kind of by nature of, like, design, like, then we probably should be the number one person responsible for our mental state and our thoughts, right? that said, when your partner has a feeling, you’ll know, oh, that’s based on their story, that’s based on their thoughts.

I can’t go in there and change their thoughts, right? I can maybe be supportive, or I can ask how I can be supportive without fully taking that on. Right, and so the idea is like, we are our own primary support, and our partner, and our friends, and whoever else we’re close to in life, are secondary supports.

And so a lot of times our partner is like a pretty big secondary support, right? Um, but, if we’re depending on our partner, which is somebody who is external to us, who we have no control over because we are not in their head or body, If we’re depending on them to make us feel a certain way, that is a losing battle, just in general.

And it might sound kind of just like a radical thing to say, but It’s just true. It’s really just factually true. Um, and so it’s finding that balance of like, where is it that I need to show up for myself? Where is it that I need to make a request of my partner? Um, and I think this concept of like radical responsibility for our own feelings is important not just for like long term harmony in our relationships, but also for inner security.

Because whenever we’re counting on something external to us, To build us up to make us feel okay. We’re setting ourselves up right for sort of an   📍 emotional rollercoaster  because we’re just like getting tossed around in the wind of like life circumstances and whatever happens. And I think as we all know, there’s some crazy circumstances happening in the world.

And so that’s not how we want to set ourselves up. Okay. So we want to set ourselves up in life, in our relationships, in our s3x lives, especially. Um, For relying on ourselves, right? So even if you’re like, Oh my God, my partner was like literally such an asshole. And like a hundred out of a hundred people would agree with that.

That’s still a subjective thought, right? And it’s like, still, if we’re depending on them to be a certain way, we’re still setting ourselves up. So that’s, that’s  step one. Um, is your partner pouting, your partner having a frustration doesn’t mean you need to take that on. It means you can be curious about it.

 It can be like, okay, how do I take care of myself? What if I just say, hey, that’s allowed to be their emotion. I can be curious about that. And in the meantime, I can check in with myself and think, how do I want to be thinking and feeling right now? What feels like showing up for myself, right? Is it Working towards better physical health, optimized blood flow, addressing pelvic floor pain or dysfunction.

Things that maybe will help you have a higher libido if you want one. Um, if you’re listening to this, you probably do or you want your partner to want one. Um, because it also feels very alive to have a healthy libido. So sometimes it’s just like this. Spark of excitement. Um, there’s also I think a little bit of a thrill that comes with the vulnerability of like wanting to connect You know, we’re trying to initiate, and just because you’re in a relationship or a marriage doesn’t mean that, uh, the vulnerability is over, it never ends, so it’s just ongoing vulnerability.

It’s like, ooh, a little uncertainty there, um, which can be exciting, but we need to show up for ourselves to make that. stable enough as well. Okay, so we know what causes the pressure feeling. Um, pressure is one of like, maybe the number one libido killer. It’s like very, very high up there. So I also just want to state that as an intimacy expert who works with clients on this on the regular, if you’re feeling pressure, if your partner’s feeling pressure, just know I’ve never seen that helping.

So, so it is something we want to address. That’s why I’m kind of getting into the details here of how we want to understand the dynamics and how we want to work with our own thoughts. Um, so you really want to understand how are you contributing to the feeling of pressure. So if you’re the lower libido partner and your partner is frustrated or pouty or whatever, it could be like, okay, how am I contributing to this?

What if I just allow myself to have this space? And whether or not my partner wants to give me this space, like it is what it is. So you can practice acceptance. You can show up for yourself emotionally. You can decide to take actions to explore your libido. Right. Um, my, uh,   📍 finding your fire libido course is available on my website.

It’s 49 bucks.  It’s a really easy way to have a very thorough understanding of libido and why it does or does not work for you right now. Okay. And then I also want to talk about what is the opposite of pressure? So if you’re feeling like I’m supposed to want s3x and I don’t want s3x and I just like don’t care But I know I’m supposed to and it’s fucking up my relationship And we know that doesn’t work So what does work space and this is often why you’ll hear s3x therapists talking about Taking s3x off the table for some period of time and and that can work, right?

Um But I’m going to talk more about, like, how do we navigate that, because that also sounds like a challenge for the higher libido partner, but it can work because When we’re taking it off the table, it’s relieving the pressure, right? It’s kind of like, okay, you have this space, you have this time. You don’t have to be a certain way.

You don’t have to feel any differently than you do right now. Because when we feel that pressure, even Sometimes pressure can motivate in the short term. But if we’re trying to get to a place of like not just taking action, but like authentic desire, that’s got to come from a place of feeling kind of good.

Not from feeling stressed and pressured, right? And, and often I hear from the higher libido partners, like, they want to feel wanted. So if you want your partner to want you, they need to have a little more space. And it could be that, you know, the stress they have right now in their life from whatever source.

is not allowing them to feel very spacious. It could be that a medication they’re on is not allowing them to feel a lot of desire right now. It could be that hormonal changes they’re going through or breastfeeding are impacting their libido and they kind of just need to get through that phase. It maybe won’t last forever.

They’re gonna find some kind of balance. But for right now, That’s where they’re at. Okay, so there’s lots of reasons there and sometimes that space can just be like, Ah, like, okay, I have room. I have time. I can take my time and explore this and figure it out and not just feel like it’s this rushed thing that, you know, I got to snap my fingers or I’m going to lose my relationship.

It’s just not a good feeling for anyone. Um, and I also want to say again, those, giving the space is still an external factor, right? Really, it’s going to come down to the thoughts. Basically, when we change external things. It’s allowing us to more easily have a better thought, right? So, if our partner is pouting and demanding s3x all the time, that’s pressure.

That might even feel like coercion or a consent issue. Um, that’s not going to feel spacious. But, we change that external circumstance and then the thought goes to, Oh, okay, it’s fine, I have time. Right, whereas before the thought was, Oh my god, this is not going to be okay, the relationship might end. Right?

So it’s really the thought changing that changes the feeling that we have. Okay, now I want to flip and look at the higher libido partner again. Why is it hard for the higher libido partner to be patient if there is a period of like, Hey, let’s just allow the low libido partner to explore. To see what turns them on, to have some solo s3x, to experiment with audio erotica or different types of visual erotica or, um, fantasy and romance books or whatever it is that might turn them on.

Maybe it’s dancing, maybe it’s watching steamy shows, we don’t know. Maybe it’s just like reminding themselves that s3x is important by listening to podcasts like this or reading, you know, educational books on s3x. But like that part, the lower libido partner might need that space and time. To do some learning, to do some experimenting, to regulate whatever is going on with their physical body, right?

And so if we know, okay, there’s space and that space is being put to good use, I think that’s going to be a really important reminder for the higher libido partner. It’s like, okay, we’re not just like randomly being like, well, we’re just giving up for a while to allow space. No, we’re allowing some space, but there’s also like a constructive.

intention backed up by action that’s going on, um, with the lower libido partner. Okay. So why might it be hard for you though, as the higher libido partner? One, a lot of times we’re looking for, for validation from s3x. And this can be honestly a very, very good opportunity for self reflection. And just like the low libido partner, As the high libido partner, looking at this as an opportunity for you to build more inner security so that you are showing up for yourself in the sense of, okay, huh, I guess, I guess I was sort of looking to my partner to make me feel good.

That makes me dependent on something outside of myself. I see how I’m setting myself up for failure.   📍 Wow, this is a great realization.  Right? Um, it could be like, How did I get through when I was single? Oh, well I guess I wasn’t having this thought or expectation that someone else should be meeting this need for me.

Huh, that’s interesting how my thoughts influence things. Right? Um, and none of this is bad, and I think at one point I surveyed my Instagram audience and like 80 percent of people were like, oh yeah, abuse, s3x, or validation. And it’s lovely to get validation, and I’m not even saying to like stop enjoying validation from s3x.

It’s kind of like, but let it be that secondary support, that secondary source of boosting you up and work to be your own primary source. So, it’s just a sign or a signal for you to do some of that inner work. And this is stuff I work on with my coaching clients all the time, this is part of my intimacy accelerator program where we do the parts work, we work to understand what is happening on a deeper psychological level here that’s getting in the way, you know, of you allowing your partner some space, of you kind of just supporting them in their process.

of you maybe meeting more of your own s3xual needs or negotiating that with your partner. It’s like, okay, cool. If s3x is off the table, how about I’ll check with you first if I’m feeling horny and otherwise I take care of myself. Right? Or I take care of myself and, you know, maybe you’re in the room, maybe you’re not.

Like, that’s, that’s something that can be negotiated, um, if that’s, Um, and it could also be maybe your partner is interested in connecting sensually, maybe they’re like, yes, I would love some stroking or some making out. I don’t think I really want to go in a total s3xual direction with it though, so I’m happy to kind of engage with you knowing it doesn’t have to quote unquote go all the way.

And then if you want to keep going further, you can kind of take care of yourself at that point. So there’s a lot of ways to kind of navigate it in terms of. Honestly, the benefits of being s3xual, of expressing yourself s3xually, of feeling connected to your own s3xual energy, there’s so many healthy things about that.

So I don’t want to make it seem like if you have a higher libido, this is like bad or vilified or you’re just only seeking validation. It’s very healthy, but I think there can become an element where it crosses into being a little bit more compulsive or a little bit more of like outsourcing, um, a need to your partner that shouldn’t fully be on their backs.

Right. So it’s more like, how can I show up for myself and create more balance in that way? Um, and then the other piece of it, I think, if it’s hard for you to kind of be patient while allowing space for your partner to figure out what’s going on with their libido, Um, it’s the meaning you’re making of their behavior.

So, if your partner’s not interested, it’s so, so common. It’s really hard not to sometimes. So, don’t be hard on yourself if you’re like, Am I just   📍 not cute anymore?  Have you just lost interest? Do you think my personality sucks all the time, like, suddenly? Like, did something change? You know, do you not want to be around me?

But, but it’s also that s3x does require a certain amount of energy. Right? And so if we learn to not take it personally, If we learn that in order for someone to be turned on, they have to be mentally, you know, kind of open minded at least, or in a certain head space of like, okay, yeah, I could, I could engage.

Or they have to be full on, like, turned on and like, oh yeah, it’s like I am ready to go. So, we really want to look at, you know, again, the story that we’re telling ourselves about our partner’s behavior. So, like, what if it doesn’t have to do with you? What if your partner’s not interested in s3x because they’re stressed, they feel depleted, they’re not feeling very s3xy in their own body, their hormones are off, um, they’re not sleeping enough?

Um, they’re maybe even dealing with some insecurities that have nothing to do with you. Like, that’s what I want to make really clear. Like, there are so many reasons your partner might have a low libido that have nothing to do with you. And I think it can be, like, humbling in a way, but also just, like, such a relief to realize that.

And that’s another thing I work a lot with my clients on is, like, how do we stop taking it personally? How do we realize that not only is it like, Oh, I’m going to choose not to take it personally. It’s not personal because when we go back to that radical responsibility piece for our thoughts and emotions, it’s a hundred percent about your partner’s thoughts and emotions, which are also heavily influenced by their hormones and their physical state.

Okay. So if you’ve been a little bit. frustrated, or brooding, or stewing, uh, or angry, or bitter, or hurt about your partner not being really interested in s3x with you, even if it’s like for months or like years even, to shift and to re kind of like ask yourself the question, how do I want to be showing up instead?

And is the way I’m showing up creating the results that I want? And so that’s more of the radical responsibility. And so if you, if you’ve not been showing up in a way that’s bringing you closer and that’s creating more intimacy and that’s sort of holding and allowing that space for your partner, which by the way, also creates more intimacy in the long run.

If your partner is aware you would like more s3x and you’re able to manage your own emotions because you’ve built enough emotional mastery and inner security to do that and to hold space and allow them to go through that process. That’s actually pretty s3xy to a lot of people. You’re gonna earn a lot of points.

There’s gonna be a lot of appreciation It doesn’t mean you can’t ever say how you’re feeling But I think saying how you’re feeling and letting them know at the same time like I maybe just want to feel heard And I’m not saying we need to change anything But I’m just having maybe like a little sad moment and you know I don’t want you to like take it on per se, but I just want to feel heard about it.

Um, so just noticing like how we communicate things to you can be really helpful. Um, so I hope that this has been helpful to you. If you’re in one of these situations where you are kind of like, okay, when is s3x going to be back on the table or whether you’re the high part, high libido partner or the low libido partner in that situation.

So it’s not easy from either side. And I think the more that we can like build empathy, the more we can know that it’s possible. And you know, one of my clients recently did kind of get over the no s3x period and now they are having regular s3x again. And the higher libido partner was sharing that, you know, Like, yeah, it was hard waiting and we’ve had other periods of not having a lot of s3x and nothing really changed, but in this process of strategically approaching this in their work with me, we were able to have a very conscious, intentional process and when people actually do the homework of the process, they get the results, right?

And so, yes, it does require some patience and it does require some kind of hanging in there, but it also leads to. More self understanding, better emotional mastery, more closeness in the relationship, more trust in the relationship, more authentic desire in the relationship, and both people feeling like they get to express their s3xuality and feel wanted, so, um, so hang in there wherever you’re at on the journey.

And if you liked this episode, uh,   📍 please follow the show for more of where this came from. Um, I always love getting your comments, uh, on YouTube. So if you, uh, follow us over there on YouTube,   📍 please comment about what resonated with you.  We’d love to hear from you. Um, and thank you everyone for catching the show.

We’ll catch you next week, everybody. Bye.

 You