📍 📍 📍 📍 Hello, my friends. Welcome to another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist.  Um, we are going to talk today about how to get your woman to want more sex. In fact, I am going to outline my top five ways. That you can do just that. And I think you’re going to be kind of surprised by some of them. So stick around. Um, this is a fun topic.

Uh, we’re going to just kind of jump into it. So we’re going to do a countdown. So we’re starting with five and we’re going down to the number one way. So they are in order of importance. Importance, in my opinion, based on my, uh, 10,000 plus hours of coaching and counseling people in all of my sex and intimacy knowledge.

Okay? So this is, this is what we came up with. Okay? So number five. This is the number five. Best way to get your woman to want more sex.   📍 📍 Remind her of sex. .   So, right, some of these are gonna sound really simple, but what does that mean? And why is this something that I’m picking? So the reason I’m picking this one is because a lot of people and especially people who identify as women or maybe more in estrogen dominant bodies, um, as opposed to a testosterone dominant body, um, which don’t, don’t quote me on that like scientifically, but you know what I mean?

The, the more often have responsive desire and responsive desire is a type of desire It’s either spontaneous or responsive and basically what it means is that you need some kind of   📍 sexual stimuli Like you need like a prompt almost, you know   It’s like you need your inspiration to kind of get into sex mode So this could look different for different people, right?

This could be flirting This could be excitement about something new. This could be, uh, watching something sexy, whether it’s just like. Maybe you watch a sexy dance number on Dancing with the Stars, maybe it’s porn, right? Maybe it’s something in between. Maybe it’s just like a love scene in a movie that you like.

Um, this could be dancing in the kitchen together and just having a romantic moment. This could be just sort of like grazing them when you walk by, just sort of like hinting and a little touch to, to come, you know, it might be like. Ooh, my partner just trailed their fingers gently, uh, over my body as they walked by in the hallway.

I wasn’t expecting that. Huh, okay. Um, so you’re kind of building anticipation. You’re letting her mind go there. Right? And if you don’t know, well, what actually gets her mind to go there? Or you might even be thinking, well, nothing seems to get her mind to go there these days. Um, think back to like, what did get her mind to go there?

And also remember, this is only the number five, uh, most important reason. And so pay attention to one through four because those will help you as well. Um, and if your partner is kind of like at a point where she’s bristling at your touch, this is not the one. We want to start with, right? Um, we want to first create safety and relaxation, which we’ll get there.

We’ll get there. Okay. The number four, the number four best way to get your woman to want more sex with you.   📍 📍 Compliment her appearance.   And this one’s, this one’s interesting because I think when, when, like early on in relationships, when you’re like in early stages of dating or even an early stage of a relationship, um, women sometimes feel like, well, you know, I’m more than just a pretty face or it’s about more than just how I look, right?

But I think when they’ve been in a longer term relationship, at least this is what I hear from all my clients. Um, They want that reminder that you’re still into them, right? It’s, it’s actually not something they take for granted. And it’s something that, you know, as partners, We can forget, you know, it’s like, well, of course I’m into you.

Of course, I think you’re good looking. Yeah, that’s why I picked you. That’s why I’m still with you. That’s like why I want to have sex with you to begin with, right? So to you it might seem like super super obvious, but another thing I’ve learned by coaching people and working with clients is that we think our signals are clearer and more obvious than they often are to our partner.

And so sometimes we kind of have to like hit people over the head with it. Right. You just have to come out and say like, damn, you look hot in that, right? You’re like, okay, give me a little spin, you know, or looking good or like, Oh, did you get your hair done? Looks really good on you. I love that color. I love that style.

Right. Or like, Oh, wow. You know, that’s my favorite dress I’ve seen on you in a while. You look great. Or like, wow, those jeans hug your curves so well. So. With giving the compliments, you want to be respectful, but also like, you know, you, you should know if you’re in a long term relationship with, you should know your partner at this point and like what type of compliment they might like.

Um, if not, you can ask, of course, but some people are going to want the overt comment. Some people are going to want a little bit more of a sexual comment. Some people might want to hear like, oh, wow, you look great naked, or I just love how you look naked. And the other thing I want to say about compliments is that so often We think the compliment in our head silently, and we just don’t say it.

And sometimes when I’m working with clients in the Pathway to Passion Program, you know, we’ll have this discussion. And they’ll kind of be like, Oh, well, I did have a sexual thought about my partner, but I guess I didn’t say it. Or, I don’t know, I guess I felt kind of shy saying it, or I wasn’t sure, you know, if they want to hear that from me, um, or I thought they knew and I didn’t have to say it.

So just notice in your own mind, like, are you holding yourself back in some way with compliments? Are you censoring yourself? Because especially if things have gotten a little bit more distant, especially if she is kind of in like mom mode or in professional mode or in caretaker mode for, you know, sick family members.

Like there’s so many of those other modes that can really kill a sex drive. And so she might need a reminder of, hey, I’m still a woman. I’m still a sexual being, right? I’m still perceived that way. Maybe I, maybe she’s forgot to perceive herself that way. And she needs this reminder to, Help her see herself through your eye, right?

So that’s what you’re actually doing for her with this. They just keep getting better as we go. Number three.   📍 📍 This one is being an emotional safe space.   So in my work, especially with women who have lower desire for whatever reason, a common blockage to their desire It’s just feeling like, you know, I tried opening up and I just feel like it wasn’t received very well.

And this could be something from like years ago. This could be like, oh, well, you know, you’re judging my sexual interest. You’re judging my parent style. Um, you think I’m too emotional and you don’t really want to hear it. And so if your woman is feeling this way, She’s like holding back from you. She’s like actively guarding herself emotionally and that Usually spills over into your sex life, right?

And so like look for those clues. Is she like physically tense? Is she almost like pulling away sometimes if you try to touch her? And then you can kind of ask yourself like have I been a good listener? Have I been giving the compliments? Have I been validating her emotions before sharing my own or before sharing that I actually disagree?

You know, have I been like, okay, yeah, I get how you’re feeling that way. I kind of have a different perspective, but it like makes sense why you would feel that way or come here. Let me just hold you and you can just say your feelings or cry or whatever you need, right? And so being a safe space is going to look a little bit different.

Um, in each relationship and with each woman. So we don’t want to make assumptions here. But like, if you’re not sure, ask your partner. Um, if you’re suspicious that this could be a, um, a primary reason why you’re not having sex. This is also a skill that we’re not taught. Um, but this is, this is the main thing I start with, uh, people on in the Pathway to Passion program.

So if they are feeling like, You know, yeah, there’s a little bit of distance, you know, where there’s a little bit of, uh, or maybe like avoiding some topics that we probably should be talking about. We really get into how do you create that safe space? Right? What is going to, you know, help someone open up.

And this is basically also my job. This is what I do professionally. I professionally create a safe space. And I do that by normalizing emotions, not judging emotions, not projecting my own shit on my clients. And so it’s actually kind of the same thing we want to do in our personal relationships, right?

And really, whether it’s your friend, whether it’s your family members, if it’s your lover, it’s kind of the same skill set. And so if this is an area where you know you could use some work, like, I strongly encourage you to do that work. Like, reach out for support if you’re like, I don’t even know where to start, right?

But it’s such a worthwhile thing to learn. And really not just for your relationship partners, but also for yourself, because it’s also teaching you, like, how do you manage your own emotions in a healthy way so that you can create that space for people? So, so helpful. Okay. Number two, we’re getting, we’re getting closer.

Um, number two is another one. It sounds simple, but we sometimes have to operationalize it.   📍 📍 Number two is help her relax.   Yeah. Relaxing. A lot of us are not good at this. We’re just tense. We’re like little balls of stress. Right? And we’re just kind of like, Oh, life is stressful   📍 and money   📍 and children   📍 and work   📍 and cleaning the house  and feeling like we should.

There’s a lot of shoulding, right? Oh, well, I should do this. I have to get back to this person. There’s a lot of prioritizing other people, unfortunately, at our own expense. sometimes. And I think that women are especially prone to this. You know, I think there’s some biological factors and some social conditioning that make us a little bit more like, oh, we’re going to nurture, we’re going to take care of everybody else.

We’re going to make sure that everyone else is happy, that everyone else’s needs are met. And there’s an element of that that can be very fulfilling. And there’s an element of that that kind of has a dark side where, well, who’s looking out for you, right? And then you start falling apart and then you can’t support anyone.

Right. And so as a partner to such a creature who is amazing and giving and all of the things. One thing you can do is think, how can I take some load off her plate? Is she working late? Oh, maybe I can have dinner ready for her. Is she physically just tired and sore? Maybe I could like, you know, book her massage or see if she wants me to like call her chiropractor for her because she’s so busy, right?

Maybe it’s like, you know what, I’m going to get a housekeeper this week, or I’m going to clean the house so she doesn’t have to. And so. And this is like, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of porn for women. It’s kind of a joke, but they have those books that are like porn for women. And it’s like men ironing shirts.

It’s a little gender bias, but it could be a non binary person or a female ironing a shirt as well. Um, so the gender part doesn’t matter, but the idea does, the idea is so true. That, you know, it’s the effort, it’s the thoughtfulness that goes into something like that, that makes a woman feel like, Oh wow, this person almost like got in my head, anticipated my needs, and then took action on it so I didn’t have to worry about it.

And so I think we really realized like that’s some next level partnership there, like that’s attractive. That is a sexy quality, right? I had a boyfriend one time who I went to hang out with my girlfriends and he cleaned my apartment while I was gone. And I was like, who is this guy? Right. I was like, Oh my God.

I feel like. I’m a queen and he’s just like making my life better, right? It’s like, who doesn’t want to have sex with that guy? So that’s, that’s what you want to keep in mind. Like make your woman feel like a queen. You know, that’s like, she deserves that, that she doesn’t have to shoulder everything herself.

Like so many of my clients, and it’s not just women, but today’s episode is about this, um, are doing so much. They’re taking on so much. They’re carrying this heavy emotional load and sometimes they feel like they’re doing it by themselves. So just kind of swooping in and helping in whatever way. And here, I’m going to give you bonus points if you want extra credit.

Okay. So you’re going to swoop in and help. Try not to ask her. If she has to sort of project manage you and be like, Oh, well, here’s where I need help. Then it’s like, or like, Oh, well no, just do, do this. Nevermind. I’ll do it myself. That’s what winds up happening. Right? And so the bonus points is you don’t ask her.

You don’t make her figure it out. You don’t make her project manage you. You figure it out. And then you do it. And then you get extra points as opposed to just like asking her where you can help out. It’s still, I mean, it’s still nice to ask someone where you can help. Um, but at least in the long run, I would say aim towards.

What are the things that really help alleviate some stress for her? Okay, so if you’re enjoying this list, make sure you’re following the show. Um, we have more amazing episodes coming up. We’ve got some like listener Q and A’s. We’ve got some episodes about letting go of anxiety around sex. We have some pretty awesome guests and authors coming up.

So make sure you’re following the show if you want more of this content. Um, and that brings me to

Again, it’s going to sound really simple, but profound and very, very present. So the number one way that you can get your woman to want more sex with you is   📍 📍 to listen to her. Listen to her.  And, uh, let’s break it down a little bit. So when I’m saying listening, it really is about presence. It’s about paying attention, this could look like not being on your phone, not being distracted by doing the dishes, not being distracted by watching the TV or being in the middle of work, pausing, being present, showing that you’re prioritizing her, showing that you’re prioritizing your connection.

Right. I mean, even as I’m saying this stuff, I’m like, yeah, these are some sexy qualities. Like everybody wants this kind of partner. Right. Um, so just really being present, remembering what she says, really, it’s like when you’re really present, you’re really paying attention and you’re realizing like, okay, like this is how she’s feeling.

That’s important to me. Let me understand why. So when you’re kind of showing a gentle curiosity, Oh, I didn’t realize you were feeling that way. What’s, what’s going on with that? Or what’s going on at work? Or I didn’t realize that, you know, when I was giving you space, you didn’t actually want it and you felt ignored.

Okay. Like, so what do you actually want in those moments? So showing the interest, being an active listener, asking some follow up questions, checking for understanding, right? Let’s say you’re resolving a conflict and you’re kind of like, okay, so, you know, what I’m hearing is. You want me to take some more initiative with sex.

Is that correct? Or you want me to stop, you know, verbally initiating and instead just come up and like kiss your neck, right? And it could be like, Oh, okay. Yes. Or like, Oh, well, no, no, that’s not exactly what I meant. Okay. Well, it gives you a chance to really make sure your understanding and that effort will not be ignored.

And I think so often, you know, my female clients come in and they’re kind of like, Well, I’ve, I’ve asked this many times. It’s not happening, you know, whether it’s for something different in the bedroom, um, maybe a different technique or more focus on fingering instead of oral or more, uh, longer penetration, a shorter amount of penetration, more foreplay, um, you know, approaching her different times of day when she’s more open and receptive.

There’s a lot of areas, right? Okay. And I want to say with this too, it’s not about, listening is not about being perfect at all. It really is about being present. And showing that you are understanding her. Like if a woman is feeling like you’re there, you see her, you get her, you care, like you’re in.

That’s what I have to say about that. You know, she’s going to be like, okay, yes, this is a person I want to make some more effort for. This is a person I’m attracted to. This is a person who I feel safe being vulnerable with because of the way they show up for me. Right? And so with this list of five things, just notice for yourself, where are you already getting, you know, getting an A or an A plus?

And where are you like, yeah, I probably only give myself a C on that one. That’s, that’s an area to work on. Right? So pick one thing and see how you can kind of, um, Become that much of a better partner. Cause that’s really what this list is about. Like, how can you show up with your A game? And you might be also saying, well, I’m tired.

I want someone to make my dinner. I want someone to do this for me. I think the place we need to get to in a relationship is letting go of that and making sure that we are meeting our own needs so that we have enough to give, right? Because if we’re waiting for our partner to show up and our partner is waiting for us to show up on a higher level, guess what happens?

Nothing gets better. Whereas when I work with clients, for example, where they’re willing to kind of let go of like waiting for their partner to give it more, it’s because it’s coming from fear. When we do that, it’s coming from fear. It’s like, well, I don’t want to be more vulnerable and try harder and get put more of myself into this relationship.

If I don’t know, I’m going to get it back, but that’s a fear based mentality and nothing good is going to come from that. Right. And so that’s where some individual work, which, you know, I also do individual work with the couples that I work with is needed, but some individual work on the internal security so that you feel safe being vulnerable, even if your partner doesn’t show up in the way you want.

And you can also kind of create a little bit of structure around it for yourself. Like, you know what, I’m going to give it my A plus game for three months. And if I’m not getting anything back at that point, then I maybe do need to reevaluate. Because I’m not suggesting, like, be a doormat or just, you know, put everything you have into this and get nothing in return.

But it might be that for a while until your partner is like, Oh, wow, you’re actually changing because they might also be like, okay, what, like, what’s in the water? Why are you all of a sudden, like, making all this extra effort? Um, but if you show consistency, they’ll be open to it. So just realize sometimes you need to take care of yourself first before you can do this kind of effort.

And that’s okay. And be honest with yourself about that and see how you can put those supports in place first. Um, so I hope this was really helpful. I’m going to recap the list one more time.   📍 📍 So number five, remind her about sex.  Flirt, dance in the kitchen.   📍 📍 Number four, compliment her appearance.  Let her know that you still find her sexy.  📍 📍

Number three, create an emotional safe space.   You be vulnerable, nonjudgmental, uh, great attitude.   📍 📍 Number two, help her relax.  And   📍 📍 number one, listen to her.  Um, so I hope, I hope that this was helpful.   📍 I hope that this leads to more sex and connection and passion and intimacy and all of the good things. So thanks everybody for listening.

 Hey, everybody. Thank you so much for listening to the show. We are very happy to have you here. If you are a new listener, you are very, very welcome. If you guys ever need to reach out to me, you can do that through my website, HeatherShannon. co. Again, that’s HeatherShannon. co and don’t forget to follow the show.

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