This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello.

Hello, my friends. I am here with a solo episode for you today, and we’re going to talk about a few things. It all kind of go together and intersect. We’re going to talk about body count. How many people have you slept with? We’re going to talk about slut shaming and we’re going to talk about good girl syndrome.

What does that mean? Do you have it? Does your partner have it? Let’s find out. So, Let’s jump in with body count. So body count is something people will sometimes ask each other. So I think a little bit as we get more mature and older, we maybe are less hung up on that. But I still think that there can be a fixation on.

Okay, how many people have I slept with? What does that mean about me? How many people has my partner slept with or my potential partner? What does that mean about them? So let’s start there. I want to share personally that when I was younger, there was definitely, definitely buy in to the idea that if I have too many partners.

That’s going to make me less attractive. If I have too many partners, that means I’m quote unquote easy or that means that, you know, I’m not selective enough or that sex doesn’t mean anything to me. So there’s a lot of, there’s a lot wrapped up in just this one idea of number of partners. Now, depending on You know, which gender you were socialized at, you probably got different messages.

And so that’s important for us to be aware of when we’re thinking about, you know, the person that we’re married to, the person that we’re dating, you know, what was their experience of being brought up? Have we asked them that, you know, what was their personal experience around number of sex partners? Now?

It also depends on what generation you’re from, right? So, I know that a lot more people of my parents generation or of my grandparents generation got married really young, and they would also generally wait until they got married to have sex. And so that’s a very different experience than most people are having today as well, and that needs to be factored in.

So, think about it. Think about what are the stories you’ve heard. You’ve probably heard things like, you know, oh, especially if you’re a guy or socialize as a man, What does this mean about me if I’ve only had three partners? Does that mean I haven’t explored enough? Does that mean I haven’t sown my oats?

You know, there’s the fact that these expressions exist, you know. It’s like, oh, I need to sow my oats first. There’s almost like, like men Have have to have this conquest and until I’ve had a certain number of partners, I haven’t sort of proven myself like enough or man enough. Um, so notice that too, because the number of partners we’ve had.

Also does not necessarily mean we’re going to be a better lover if we’ve had more, or we’re going to be a worse lover if we’ve had less, or that it means more to us if we haven’t had other partners, or that it means less to us if we had. I think what I’d really like people to take from this, if you’re listening, Is that what matters is being present with your current partner.

What matters is what meaning do you want to make from your current partnership? Whether it’s a friend with benefits, whether it’s someone you’re married to, whether it’s somebody you’re in love with. Or not, right? Maybe the meaning you want is, I want this to be fun. I want this to be carefree. Guess what?

The number of partners tends to come into play is when someone hasn’t had sex yet. And in our society, we like to call that Virginity, being a virgin, losing the V card, still have my V card, you know, there’s all of this language that goes around it and sometimes people will feel like, oh, wow, I get to be your first, but a lot of times people will be like, oh, that’s too much pressure to be the first.

And there’s all these assumptions that go into that, right? Even if someone’s like, Hey, like I’m not looking to be in love. I just want to have sex for the first time. Sometimes the partner is like, oh no, that’s too big of a deal. I can’t be that person. So notice where you’re projecting onto your partner as well when it comes to body count and sort of making meaning for them and try and catch yourself and ask them, you know, what does it mean to you that you’ve had X number of partners?

If anything, personally, you know, if I’m going to be connecting with someone sexually, I don’t care. I give up like zero shits, basically how many partners they’ve slept with. And I, and actually I’ve pretty much always felt that way. I think as a woman and someone who is, you know, raised as a woman, it felt much more of a burden for me to not be quote unquote slutty.

There wasn’t sort of that projecting onto men. Now. Not, not all my friends felt the same way. Some of my friends would be like, Oh, well, he’s a male slut or he’s a player, you know. So there, there are derogatory terms as well towards men who have had a lot of sexual partners. I think it’s less common or there’s still almost like a cockiness or like celebration towards it where I don’t feel like women have that as much.

So, Something to be aware of there. Not everyone’s going to feel that way. But for me, it was always like, cool. If he’s had a lot of partners, great. If not, then, you know, he’s selective and he still picked me. So it’s like, either way I’m good. Um, so keep that in mind. Your partner’s past means nothing about you.

That’s, that’s our last takeaway on that. So now let’s get into the slut shaming. So when I was growing up back, I’m going to take you guys back to the nineties, aging myself. So when I was in high school in the nineties, I remember there was sort of a, a friend kind of not in my inner circle, but in sort of the outer circle who was rumored.

To be sexually active and, you know, me being pretty repressed as I was at the time and sort of fearful around sex and kind of buying into the slut shaming of women. That’s very unfair and also meaningless. We just sort of collectively ascribe this meaning to it. That’s not innate. It’s just, we just make it up.

We just make it up. And then we sort of all agree like this is we’re going to make it mean, right? Um, Except I don’t think most of us agree with it anyways, at least most of you listening to this podcast. So, I fully bought in that one. I was like, well, guys only want to date her because she’s going to have sex with them.

And, you know, and also that even if that was the case, judging that that’s bad. Like, a lot of people date because they like sex, right? And they want to have sex with someone they’re attracted to. Is that a bad thing? But at the time, you know, that was, I was not ready for sex. I was sort of afraid of pregnancy.

I was afraid of STDs. I wanted to have a quote unquote, good reputation. And what I’ve noticed working with clients too, is that all these messages that we get from society about how many partners we should have and how sexual we should be or not, they, we carry those with us. Because when we’re young, we kind of come into this earth unprogrammed, you know, it’s like we’re kind of blank and except for our like DNA and, you know, basically that’s it, our body and our DNA and, you know, our parents kind of give us a lot of messages, um, about how to think about how to view the world, sort of a lens.

It’s like, here’s the lens or perspective on life in the world and relationships. We’re just going to hand it to you. But then we also get a lot of that from school, from religion, from the media, uh, from our friends, you know, especially in adolescence. Um, and so it becomes this, this way that we’re programmed, but comes our internal voice, right?

It’s like, that’s our programming now. And so when we’re in a situation as an adult where we’re dating, we’re being sexual, we’re married, you know, That’s what we default to, and so that’s why it’s important to educate ourselves to notice, does that feel good? Does the way that you’re currently programmed, when it comes to sexuality, when it comes to judgments around sexuality, when it comes to judgments around body count, when it comes to, um, how you view yourself and what you kind of decide is okay for yourself or not okay, in terms of sexual fantasies, sexual behaviors.

And so we’re just kind of questioning that, right? Did something make you a slut? You know, if you like anal sex, are you a slut? If you like whips and chains, are you a slut? If you’ve had more than 100 partners, are you a slut? If you’ve had more than 5 partners, are you a slut? Is it bad? If you are, according to who?

Who made this up? Where’s the rules about being a slut or not? Is it based on what you wear? What if you wear sexy clothes, but you actually don’t have a lot of sex? What if you have a lot of sex, but you’re really covered up in terms of how you dress? You know, and so I, my, my hope with this is let’s stop judging ourselves and let’s notice that internal programming.

If we have it, or if our partner has it, can we help kind of help them sort through it? Because once we remove it from ourselves. And it becomes a lot easier not to judge other people too. And then that becomes part of creating a culture of sex positivity. So instead of looking for like, ah, is this person breaking this invisible, but yet agreed upon silent rule of sexuality?

Have, have they deviated? Do I not approve of their wardrobe? Do I not approve of their number of sex partners? Do I not approve of whatever? And really what’s happening is it’s like. We’re censoring ourselves like that. So if you notice like, Oh yes, I do have those thoughts about other people. Or I am even making those comments about other people.

Imagine what you’re saying to yourself inside. Right? You’re kind of saying like there is one kind of narrow way to do sexuality. I don’t even know what that is. Like what is, what is the approved upon way? Maybe it’s like you can be a little bit sexy, but not too over the top because then that’s not classy.

Or you can be, you know, sexual with one person, but You know, especially if you’re a woman, he should kind of initiate it more and, you know, you shouldn’t be like as interested in sex or have too many fantasies of your own. I actually had a really interesting short conversation with somebody this week who’s a member of the LDS or Mormon Church, and he was kind of saying like, What, what is it like kind of for normal people, quote unquote, because no one’s normal, um, you know, kind of growing up and exploring sex.

And do, do women have sexual fantasies too? Because from what I, what I’ve learned from LDS members is that it’s really kind of even more socialized in terms of gender roles where, you know, okay, men are maybe just prone to sexual thoughts and they kind of can’t help themselves, whereas women. You know, kind of need to, like, make sure not to incite sexual thoughts in men.

They need to make sure to manage that for men by being kind of non sexual, right? And so it’s, then we kind of get into our last topic of the day, the good girl syndrome. So it’s really. Okay, how can I be a quote unquote good girl to maintain my reputation in the community, um, to be seen as a desirable partner by squashing my sexuality, which is part of who we are, right?

And now I will also say some people have just a spontaneous sexuality where They’ll be aroused, they’ll be turned on, they’ll be interested in sex seemingly out of nowhere. Right? And other people do have more of a responsive desire, which means maybe your partner kind of initiates something and then you get in the mood or maybe watch something that you are kind of turned on by on TV or maybe you hear a song that kind of gets you in the mood, whatever it is, but something can kind of get you there.

Maybe it’s not coming up totally spontaneously. And neither one is. Better or worse than the other and neither one is actually like stronger or weaker than the other. There are just different ways of kind of getting it started. So I think that’s important, you know, where does this idea of being a good girl come from?

The patriarchy, you know, and that’s that goes deep. We don’t have time to get into that today, you know. I’m thinking back even like hundreds of years ago where it’s like, oh you have to be a virgin bride or that’s You know, worth more in terms of like a dowry or something like that, as opposed to somebody who is not a virgin bride.

And it’s really ridiculous. And it’s really made up because like, okay, in what way is their health better? No. Are they more attractive? No. Are they smarter? No. Do they have a better personality? No. So that, so that’s interesting. Like if you really break it down and dissect it, like what would make them a better partner or companion or parent if they haven’t had sex yet?

Nothing, right? But, this is something that came up because I think women’s sexuality has been seen as threatening. It’s like, oh my god, it’s like if men want sex and women want sex, heaven forbid. Now, if you’re a non binary person listening to this, I would say to factor in, how are you socialized? Growing up, because I don’t think a lot of us were socialized, like, truly gender neutral.

I think some parents are starting to do that more now, but basically, if you’re an adult these days, um, you probably weren’t. So just kind of noticing, like, what messaging did you get? And even if that’s not the gender you identify with anymore, chances are That programming has become your internal voice to some degree.

And if you don’t like that programming, then I would also suggest, you know, seek out the programming you do want. Find podcasts like this, find teachers, find books, and explore, right? It’s like, that’s how we change, especially by having a new experience, right? Maybe we let ourselves try something that doesn’t feel like a good girl.

Maybe it’s like, okay, I’m going to tell my partner this fantasy that I have, but it feels like really wrong or bad or not like the good girl thing, and I’m just going to share it and see what happens, right? And maybe even bring up this topic to your partner just to chat about it. Like, hey, I realize I kind of have this good girl syndrome.

There’s certain things that I kind of won’t allow myself to do when it comes to sex because that would mean I’m not a good girl anymore, right? And I actually think it’s interesting. I have a little free, uh, dirty talk guide and if you want it, you can get it at my website, heathershannon. co forward slash freebies.

Um, but some of the phrases in there that I mentioned were like, Oh, good girl. Good boy. Or like good sub. It’s like, that is a common phrase used during sex that can often be a turn on. Because I do think that there’s some element of wanting approval, wanting validation, wanting to feel good enough, right?

And so I think this idea of like the good girl syndrome to dress appropriately and not be too sexual and maybe not even want to like touch ourselves, maybe not want to, you know, watch porn. And maybe there’s all of these ideas that, you know, Oh, that’s what men do. Right? And so I also hope if you’re someone who identifies as non binary, that you can.

Hopefully separate yourself more from that, because I think the more it’s harder in a sense when we don’t have the social scripts or these prescribed standards for how you’re quote unquote supposed to behave, it’s harder because you have to really look inside and determine that for yourself. And you don’t have that handed to you.

But it’s also more rewarding and you wind up further ahead in some ways. So I think there’s, you know, pros and cons to both ways. So if you’ve noticed that you’ve just kind of like fully bought into whatever kind you learned about your gender role when it came to sexuality, just start questioning it.

That’s it. Start questioning it. Start shaking it up. Start noticing how do you even talk about sex? I think those of us socialized as women were also kind of discouraged from that. Um, I remember for me, it was, it was certainly, certainly an awakening when I heard friends talk about vibrators or masturbating or When I went to a sex toy store and it was like these very nice people who are very like well educated about things just talking like very freely like it’s their job because it is right.

So I think starting to have experiences like that can help kind of wake us up and be like, wait a second, I’m going to opt out of some of this programming I was handed and what if I just enjoy my body and what if I trust. That, you know, I was given this body as a gift and it gets to experience pleasure, and I want to enjoy it while I’m here in this earth, regardless of your age, by the way, I’m actually watching the golden bachelor.

So cute. So far. I’m still in the first episode, but it’s just such a good reminder that. You know, sex is not just for people of a certain age and, you know, that could even be part of the good girl syndrome. It’s like, well, I’m past the age of procreation or I’m past, you know, I’ve now been divorced or widowed or whatever.

Like now I just need to shut down that part of me or my skin doesn’t look as firm or, you know, my body shape is a little bit different. And it’s like. No, what if you’re just like wild and rebellious and free and not the good girl and you just like embrace all of that, right? So tossing that out there is food for thought.

Um, I hope that this episode is helpful. I hope that you can kind of reflect for yourself on, um, What have, what have your thoughts been and are they working for you? So I’m not gonna give everyone like here’s the set of thoughts and beliefs you should have. I don’t care. Yours can be totally different from mine.

You might be like I’m buying into the good girl syndrome and it’s working for me and I’m delighted and I feel sexually connected and my partnership is great. Awesome. We’re power to you. But also at least then it’s a conscious choice. Right. At least then you’ve reflected on it and you’re choosing to opt in instead of it just being the default programming.

So on that note, thank you guys all for listening. And I also want to mention if you are feeling repressed, self conscious, like you’ve been playing this good girl role and it’s probably not even who you are and you just want some help sorting through that so you can be more authentic in your relationship, have better sex, prioritize your pleasure.

Um, then reach out. I’m going to put the link to book and ignite your intimacy breakthrough session with me. Um, it’s free. Just got to put in a request and we’ll reach out to either way with resources. And when we do chat, I’ll be giving you. My top three recommendations for improving your sex life, whether or not we move on to work together.

So thanks everybody for listening and I’ll catch you next week. If you are loving the show and you don’t want to miss another one, make sure you hit follow at the top of the screen from the show page. And if you’re on an episode page, just go to the little three dot menu. Select go to show and then hit follow at the top of your screen.

This helps us show up on the Apple sexuality charts. It helps more people find this show and it helps spread the message of sexuality. So thanks guys and we’ll catch you next time.

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