Hello, my loves! We are back and today is all about orgasms So it’s a pretty fun topic and I’m gonna start by going over just some of my observations In terms of how we relate to orgasms currently I’m gonna talk about some of the benefits. There’s three A lot of incredible benefits of orgasms. Kind of amazing and not talked about often enough.

I’m going to talk about what is the main struggle I see people have when they’re, you know, maybe they’ve never had an orgasm or they’re struggling to have an orgasm. And then I’m going to say, you know, here’s what I would do if I was in that camp. I’m like, okay, I’ve never had an orgasm. What am I going to do?

To try without overly attaching to the outcome so that the trying is enjoyable in and of itself. All right, so some of the things I notice, uh, overall, I’ll say I’m a fan, a fan of orgasms, shocking, right? Um, at the same time, I also think there’s too much emphasis on orgasm and, you know, the idea to me is that orgasm is an expression or a result of pleasure, but over focus on it can actually take away from the pleasure.

And so I think it’s more about being present. So I mentioned this in my last solo episode, uh, which was episode 48 about solo sex. It’s about being present. So being in your body, it’s about noticing what feels good. Um, and we’ll talk a little bit more about, you know, what, does it take to get into that headspace?

Um, I also think we can have a lot of ego involved when it comes to orgasm. So whether you’re the one trying to orgasm and you’re kind of like, Ooh, this means I’m like, not as enjoyable of a sex partner if I can’t orgasm, or if I can have multiple orgasms, then I’m better. Or if I can squirt, that’s better.

Or if I can squirt, that’s weird and bad. Or, you know, it’s like, we have all these things. Stories and none of them are based in fact, you know, and so I think just to notice that or if I can give my partner an orgasm, if I can give my partner multiple orgasms, then I’m really good at this, you know, then like they’re going to stay with me and they’re never going to leave me.

And so just notice for yourself, what are you making it mean? And also what if it didn’t mean that? What if it doesn’t actually mean anything except for whatever we decide it means, right? Um, by itself, it doesn’t mean anything, so I think that’s important for us to realize. The other thing I think is interesting about orgasm, especially in sort of our heteronormative society, Is that, at least in porn of how it’s depicted, but I think oftentimes in real life when there’s a, you know, cis male and a cis female having sex, sex is over when the male orgasms.

Typically, right? That’s sort of become a default. You can imagine why I’m not a big fan of that. So, one, it’s like, okay, well, what about if his partner maybe hasn’t orgasmed yet? Is it still just over? And, like, that person’s just supposed to be okay with that? Um, or what if, you know, and this is still a male female couple, what if the, the female partner orgasms and the guy doesn’t?

Is he just supposed to keep trying and, like, have all this pressure on him that, like, sex can’t be over until he ejaculates? Like, that doesn’t sound really funny either. What do you do when there’s two women? How do you know when sex is over? And, and this is where I think that people who are queer identified, there’s less of that laid out roadmap of like, this is the default and this is what it should be like.

Um, Which can be more challenging because then you have to actually do the work to discuss and communicate and figure it out for yourselves. But also, that’s where I’d like all of us to be, you know? So like, just because you’re cis and straight doesn’t mean You get to just be lazy and default to the, you know, when the guy comes, the sex is over because also that’s a little bit bullshit, right?

So let’s opt out of that default. Let’s notice if we’re opting in to the default to start evaluate. Is this default working for me? I’m going to go with no, in most cases. and decide more consciously. How do we want to decide when sex is over? How about just when we feel like we’re done? I think that’s the best time to stop.

Um, so that’s something to be mindful of. Uh, and then I wanted to talk about some of the benefits. So I did a YouTube video ages ago, I’ll link to it. Um, but I’m going to cover a lot of that same content here. And, uh, I did a little research for it and there was just so many benefits and it kind of blew my mind, right?

Because probably like me, you either got very little information about sex and or the information you got about sex was Super like fear based, you know, you’re going to get gonorrhea and chlamydia and syphilis and HIV and you’re going to die and you might get pregnant and then you’re going to be a slut and you’re going to like ruin your reputation and ruin your life and then, you know, it’s gonna be painful and, you know.

The guy that gets you impregnated will probably leave you, um, and your whole life will be ruined. So that was the message I got. And it’s also a sin. It’s also a sin. Bad. You’re going to go to hell. So to find out that, you know, not only is some of that, I think, exaggerated, but having an orgasm can help with pain relief.

Having an orgasm can and often will relieve stress. It can actually. downregulate your cortisol. So cortisol is a stress hormone and also makes us accumulate more belly fat. And so if we are having an orgasm, especially on a somewhat regular basis, that can help us kind of detox some of the stuff that our body needs to get rid of.

And it makes sense because, uh, an orgasm is a release, right? It’s kind of like we have these involuntary muscle contractions and then this like big release. And so it makes sense. We’re getting rid of stuff and we’re also, uh, supporting the lymph system. So the lymph system is a way that we detox our body as well.

And so for me, I can tell if I’m like a little puffy or, you know, a little bit achy that that is a sign that my lymph system is a little bit backed up. So if you feel like that, try it. Try having an orgasm, see how it goes. Um, it can support your digestion. I think it just kind of gets energy moving, right?

It’s a movement of energy. Your skin might look more beautiful. That’s also kind of a something where when the lymph system is operating well, our skin tends to look nice. Circulation is huge. The longer I’ve been doing this work, the more I really see the connection between healthy sexual functioning and really good circulation and low inflammation in our body.

And so if you’re, if you’ve been on the fence of making some changes to your exercise, to your diet, to other lifestyle factors, maybe this could be another good thing to do. Motivation for you. If you’ve been struggling to orgasm, you know, knowing that, okay, boosting circulation can help if you have been struggling with erectile dysfunction, same thing.

So, you know, there’s a good chance that there’s maybe some inflammation or poor circulation in your body, especially if you have diabetes or any kind of, you know, cardiovascular issues going on. Addressing that is going to help you improve your sexual function as well. Also. There is a use it or lose it component with our sexuality.

So I mentioned the solo sex episode that I recorded two weeks ago. You know, it’s, it’s important to show up for yourself in that way, because when we stimulate our genitals, it does create more blood flow to that area. And what does blood do? It brings nutrients and it nourishes, nourishes those tissues.

So this is important. It’s important for our health too. You know, it’s like sex just gets dismissed so much. It’s like, Oh, it’s just like this superficial thing and people just want to get off. And it’s like, Nope. What if it’s part of our optimal functioning? And what if it’s part of us enjoying our life instead of just like getting by?

You know, what if it’s helping us to feel connected to ourselves and to others? So that, that’s how I look at it. So lots of benefits. It’s also going to release oxytocin. So oxytocin is a bonding hormone. And, and I want to mention also, so especially if you haven’t had an orgasm yet, or it’s a struggle for you at times, um, Orgasm is not the only way to get some of these benefits, self touch and pleasure, whether or not your orgasm is going to bring a lot of these benefits, things like exercise in general is also going to help circulation and regulating cortisol and, you know, detox and digestion as well.

This is just one other path that is often not acknowledged. And also pathologized in a really strange way, like once you know how many benefits there are, you’re like, why do we only focus on the harm? It’s like so odd to me, right? So, um, it’s going to boost estrogen if you are an estrogen dominant being, um, oxytocin, which is the bonding hormone.

We also get that. from hugging. And we get that from skin to skin contact. Babies get that and moms get that too through breastfeeding. Um, it’s going to help our DHEA and brain function. Uh, if you have cramps or your menstrual cycle is not super regular, it can even help with that. So yeah, that’s it for today.

So it’s, it’s kind of wild. You’re just like, Oh my God, like what doesn’t it help at this point? And so not shockingly, it is also going to boost your immunity and longevity because when you have all of these benefits and all these systems in your body working more optimally of like, of course, you’re going to live longer.

Right. One other fun fact. So. So if you have an orgasm, and this is a little bit different for penis owners and vulva owners. So if you have a penis, there’s a refractory period. Um, however, there is the same concept applies to we, we all have like erectile tissue and our genitals. And so again, all the blood is flowing when we have an orgasm.

And so if you have a vulva and you then try to have another orgasm within 24 hours, it’s actually going to be easier. Because some of that blood is still there. Some of that tissue is still slightly engorged. So kind of a fun fact, right? Um, now I want to talk a little bit about why do people struggle with orgasm and what is sort of the number one reason that I see for that.

And it’s clear like far and away people are in their heads. So the more people are in their heads and not connected with their body, the more they’re going to struggle. So this could look like performance anxiety. This could look like, you know, worrying about other things we have to do. Um, this could just be, we’re in fight or flight mode still. We’re not in rest, digest, and sex. And so our brain is just still over here trying to like get our taxes done or something like that.

Or even just thinking like, okay, I don’t really want to be doing this or I don’t know. I don’t think I’m in that orgasm or I don’t, you know, or like, ah, this takes me so long. And like, what is my partner? Going to be thinking or like, Oh my gosh, she’s been down there for a long time, or she’s been down there for a long time.

And I just like, don’t think it’s going to happen. Or like, I’m so frustrated that, you know, my antidepressants are making it more difficult to orgasm or my birth control pills are making it more difficult to orgasm. Um, and like, a lot of that is real. So like. Let’s also acknowledge that, that, you know, we do have stressors, we do have other things going on in our life, and we do have medications that are affecting our biology, and so what we want to do is just focus on what is in our control.

Is it in our control to be more present? Is it in our control to shift our focus away from trying so hard to orgasm? You know, it’s almost like a Chinese finger torture, where it’s like, okay, your fingers are stuck inside that little thing. And the more you’re like, I’m an orgasm, and you like try to like pull the fingers apart really hard, it’s like they get more stuck.

That’s how orgasm is. So instead, it’s kind of like, how do I find the right amount of intention and effort? Because chances are, if you do nothing You’re not going to orgasm either. Although people do orgasm in their sleep. I want to point that out. Um, people of all genders, people, I had mentioned this in episode 27, people orgasm from just nipple stimulation.

And so I think this brings us back to how important the mental piece is. It’s like, if we can orgasm without even touching our genitals, at least in theory, maybe most of us have not, or we’ve only had that in our sleep or something. It’s very largely mental then, right? And so the more we can kind of work with our mind.

And even if we just have little wins, so even if it’s a little win, instead of like, Oh my God, I just focused so much on pleasure. And like, I just felt like my penis or my clitoris was just this like huge pleasure organ. And it’s like all I could focus on maybe instead it’s just like, I noticed the sensation of my partner, like touching my skin lightly, or I appreciated that my partner gave me a massage and I was able to experience pleasure and relaxation and some feel good hormones from that.

Like, let that be enough. Like, start with those smaller winds because it’s gonna help you connect to your body and that’s the bigger goal. The more you can connect to your body, And get out of your head, the better. And then once you build that skill, it’s going to start becoming more natural, applying that to specifically sexual scenarios.

So I hope that makes sense. So it’s, yeah, bringing in some of the mindfulness, bringing in some of the presence. And one thing I’ll mention from my days as a meditation instructor is that like your, your brain’s going to wander. So you just have to accept that. It’s not about my brain will never wander.

It’s more like when my brain wanders because I know it’s gonna because I’m a human. How can I bring it back? How often can I bring it back? Can I start noticing it more often? Can I bring it back in a kinder way? Can I bring it back to being present in my body and noticing my five senses with kindness?

instead of judgment. So that’s the muscle we’re trying to build here. All right. So now if I were somebody who had struggled with orgasm or who had a partner who struggled with orgasm, I think the big focus for me would be a few things. So removing pressure, I would want like zero pressure. Like, we’re just going to play.

We’re just going to explore. We’re just going to have fun. There’s no desired outcome. We can communicate in the moment as it’s happening. We can view it as a practice session, you know, where there’s just. No expectation going in actually love that idea of like practice sex and few things would need to be present.

So relaxation. So if I’m still in work mode, you know, if I’m at home and the house is messy, if kids are yelling or crying, if pets are, you know, barking or meowing, um, that’s not a great set of conditions. When you’re trying to be really present. So finding a time, finding a space where there’s going to be fewer distractions, getting relaxed.

So figuring out for yourself, what helps me relax? Is it. Doing a workout first. Is it massaging? Is it doing some tantric breathing together where you just kind of look in each other’s eyes and maybe sit on a bed and face each other and inhale at the same time and exhale at the same time? That could be something that could really start to regulate your nervous system.

Cuddling. I think cuddling is great. Physical touch can be really soothing to our nervous systems as well. Circulation is big too, as I mentioned. So I, I noticed for myself when I’m working out regularly or sometimes right after a workout, I might have more interest in sex. And I think it’s because of the circulation.

So I would say do some physical activity, get the circulation going before the sexual activity even starts. Foreplay is the next one. So, at this point, we don’t have distractions. We’re relaxed. We’re calming our nervous system. We’ve got, had some circulation, blood flow going that day. Um, flirting. So, I would say sex does not start when you’re about to get naked.

Think of it starting 24 hours beforehand. So what does that look like? Does that look like sending flirty text messages? Does that look like starting to talk about what you want to do to each other? What you want your partner to do to you? Does that mean sending some sexy pictures? Does that mean watching or listening to or reading something that feels sexy to you earlier in the day?

I’m going to say yes to all of the above. So like, pick a couple. Okay, what things are going to help you get there mentally? Um, and then there’s the physical aspect, right? So maybe you’ve got those conditions met. And you just don’t have the right sex toy, or maybe you’ve been trying to use your hand and you can’t get, you know, the right angle, or you can’t get the right speed, and so it’s just going to be easier to use a toy.

Maybe a toy is too stimulating, and you need to try using your hand. Right? So there’s a lot of directions that we can go in with this. And so just, you know, don’t give up, just be open, keep trying, detach from the outcome and have fun with it. I think that’s the key thing, you know, whether it’s dating or improving our business even or sex.

It’s like, if we can have fun in the process of growing and learning. I think you’ve already won. So I’m going to end on that note. Thank you everyone so much for listening. Um, your ratings and reviews are always appreciated. We’re very close to getting into the top 1 percent of podcasts, so we just need a handful more, uh, ratings.

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I love hearing from you. If you want to connect or let me know what you thought of this episode, you can find me on Instagram at ask a sex therapist. So look forward to hearing from you guys and we’ll see you next week.