This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello.

Hello. I’m here with a long awaited, at least for me, uh, listener Q and A episode. So we’ve got a few from the way back machine. So this one says, Hello, I am postmenopausal and I’ve lost sensation. I’m only able to achieve orgasm by myself 1 out of 10 times and only with 20 to 30 minutes of stimulation.

Grrr. Do you have any tips for bringing blood back to my clitoral region? I am sexually active with my partner about 2 to 3 times per week. I got a clean bill of health from the gynecologist today. I’m in a phenomenal relationship with a very supportive, attentive, and hot man. All right. So this is frustrating and I feel for you and there could be a lot of different things going on here.

It doesn’t sound like there’s any major dysfunction, but that doesn’t mean that, you know, things don’t change with age and hormone changes and all of that. So I appreciate you sharing your postmenopausal that could be part of it. Our estrogen levels do tend to lower. That can lead to the clitoris shrinking that can lead to thinning of vaginal tissue.

You know, the fact that you are sexually active is helpful because the more we get blood flow to that region, the more helpful. So recently I had an amazing woman, Susan Bratton on the show. And so that episode is going to be coming out soon. So stay tuned for that one. But she talked about a couple ways to increase sensation and to stay sexually vibrant at any age.

So a couple of the basic ones that I’m going to mention is red light therapy. So red light therapy has a lot to do with aging. Um, I was listening to a podcast and they were talking about how, you know, whether, uh, they had like a 95 year old’s tissues and a 5 year old’s tissues. And they had a pathology lab review them just to see like, hey, we’re not telling you anything about these two samples.

Just what differences do you notice? And the main thing that they noticed was the mitochondrial function. And so that’s impacting us at the cellular level. Like how healthy and viable are our cells? How much energy do they contain? And so the main difference, and I’m going to get this statistic wrong, but it was kind of like the 95 year old had like 5 percent of their mitochondria optimal and the five year old had like 95 percent of their mitochondria optimal.

So red light therapy. is a way to keep our mitochondria healthy and, you know, I myself have a small red light panel. It freaking does everything I have to say. I actually use it a lot. If I get like acne or something, it kills bacteria, um, keeps your immune system boosted. It can increase your energy levels.

It’s healthy for your tissues. It can help with, fat loss. It’s kind of this like miraculous thing. Um, and actually now that, now that I’m talking about it so much, um, I will include my, um, referral link to the platinum led red lights. If you do want to get one, but yeah, highly recommend them and different lights require different amount of time, but you can actually aim them at your genitals.

So with red light therapy, it might be something that you have to be pretty committed to, you know, that’s been my experience. So, and actually it’s great for your skin too. Just. infinite benefits. Um, so I highly recommend that regardless. Um, the other thing that Susan Bratton mentioned during our episode that I thought was really interesting was the idea of a clitoral pump.

So that’s something you can try too. And the idea with that is that you’re increasing blood flow. So, so you’ve heard of penis pumps probably. And you know, I always thought it was a myth that it would increase. But apparently, per Susan, who’s been doing this stuff longer than me, she has said that people do actually increase their girth and their sensation and their pleasure, um, and they have pumps for clitorises as well.

So the idea is like through suction, you’re bringing more blood flow. to the area. I would also say just general wellness. I mean, the two things with sexual function that I’ve really noticed is inflammation and circulation. And so you want to keep your inflammation really low and you want to increase your circulation.

So fitness, eating well, avoiding alcohol as much as possible, avoiding sugar, fried foods, things like that. Um, eating lots of produce and healthy proteins, however you define that, um, is going to help. So that is one thought. There’s actually also some tools out there, and this is kind of interesting. And if I can find one, I’ll link to it, but there’s some intravaginal, so inside the vagina tools that have red light that you can actually apply directly inside the vagina.

So in your case, I don’t know if you’ve lost sensation. inside the vagina, or if you’ve lost sensation with your clitoris, regardless, I would kind of, if you don’t know, I would target both areas. I will also add just for people listening, typically the outer third of the vaginal canal is going to have like touch sensation.

So kind of just like our fingers can like sense touch. The inner two thirds of the vagina are only going to be able to sense pressure. They’re not going to be as sensitive to touch. So that’s something to be aware of too. So see if you can kind of notice for yourself where you’ve lost the sensation and target that area.

And then lastly, you know, each person’s different, but there’s different, you know, protocols that you can do, um, post menopause to have your hormonal profile be as youthful and healthy as you can, um, one that you might want to investigate and talk to your doctor about or reach out to this Place directly is the Wiley protocol, um, W I L E Y.

And I will link to that in the show notes as well. So, um, I love that you’re sexually active. I love that you have a hot person that you’re having sex with. And, um, I hope that that helps. So, okay, next one. This is also from way back. Dear Heather, is my husband cheating on me with me? Interesting. I’m 64 and my husband is 65.

We’ve been together for nearly 40 years. He’s still crazy about me, thinks I’m beautiful and sensual, and has always had a much higher sex drive than I have. In fact, since my breast cancer surgery seven years ago and the estrogen blocking medicines I’ve been on, My sex drive is pretty much zero. He tells me that sex can manifest in a spectrum of ways from penetrative to digital, to oral, to masturbatory.

Agree with him. Love that, that he’s open minded about all the different ways sex can happen. And then you say, I love him, but I’m just not interested in sex with him, which makes him sad. Even before the medicines, I’ve always had a lower sex drive than him, which isn’t to say that I didn’t have and enjoy sex when I was younger, just not as much as him.

He’s loyal and honorable, so he’d never have an affair or pay for sex, so he masturbates to all the fantasies he has about me. When we were younger and sexually active, he used to love telling me his fantasies, hoping I’d act some of them out, which I did. I would occasionally wear lingerie and high heels, put on a little lipstick, and then when I learned he had fantasies about me, Smoking long white cigarettes.

I’d smoke them for him once in a while. Once we had sex while I was smoking. And you then mentioned you were a smoker in college and his fantasies. I am just as horny as he is. And I love sex just as much as he does in the morning and the afternoon and the evening, and even the middle of the night. I initiate sex, I give him head, he gives me head, we have sex in semi public places, I wear sexy clothes, I enjoy smoking, talking dirty, wearing little vibrators in public, all that kind of stuff.

The real me doesn’t do any of that, wouldn’t do any of that, but the fantasy me apparently does and likes all of it and more. It’s like he’s having an affair with his dream girl, but it’s me, or at least a younger, more adventurous, more sensual version of me. Oh, I’m going to also add a fictional version of you.

He used to masturbate in our bed in the mornings, one hand touching me for connection, I suppose, but I found it irksome all that commotion in the bed in the morning and told him so. So he stopped masturbating in bed and instead just goes downstairs to his office. He tells me that it Isn’t so much the orgasm he seeks, but instead the intimacy with me.

He says it grounds him and connects him to the real version of me. Outside of the sex part, we’re good, loving partners. We enjoy doing things together, cooking, walking, shopping. He feels like he’s found a solution to our unequal sex drives. One that gives him the intimacy and adventure he wants with me without my actually having to be intimate with him.

I’m not so sure it’s healthy. What do you think about all of this, Amy? Thank you, Amy. Um, And yeah, this is a really interesting, uh, pattern that’s going on. You know, I suppose in some ways it’s maybe nice that he’s fantasizing about you instead of someone else. Um, my question, like if you were my client, I’d probably ask you, how do you feel about it?

You know, are you kind of glad that he’s found a solution on his own? Um, and you’re the one he’s fantasizing about. Is there any kind of, you know, pressure feeling to live up to this, you know, fictitious dream girl in his mind? And then I would also wonder. Are you interested in any forms of, you know, physical intimacy?

Are you interested in cuddling? Are you interested in cuddling naked? Are you interested in massaging each other? Because the one thing I’m noticing, at least on his end, you know, having intimacy with a fantasy Might feel good, but it’s not the same as intimacy with you, you know, this fictional version of you is not you.

And so I wonder if that’s part where you’re wondering if it’s so healthy. And, you know, I hear that you’re just not feeling it and, you know, that the cancer obviously impacted things. I’m also curious, like, do you have any interest in working towards getting some sex drive back and getting some interest in that?

You know, I did work with a couple, uh, where the wife was in the same situation with the estrogen blocking medicines. Um, and it, and it has been really hard. She maybe craved closeness and, you know, I’ve mentioned this in different contexts, but we don’t always have sex because of sexual arousal. Sometimes we have sex because it feels good and it, it creates oxytocin in our body and it helps us feel close to our partner and we enjoy the sensual feeling and we enjoy the validation.

And so I’m also wondering, do, are any of those things appealing to you? So I would discuss it with your husband and negotiate it with him. I don’t think that there’s like a hard and fast answer, but I do think that there’s a spectrum of solutions and I do think that you can find one. And so I hope that that helps.

Thank you for that question. All right. So next question. How can my boyfriend and I work through him being mentally caught up with shame and guilt about not committing to getting married and it completely stalling our sex life? Yeah. Guilt is a huge cock block. It really is. Um, emotions in general can be.

And so it’s really important to process those emotions. I would encourage him strongly to get a therapist and process this if he can. That is really interesting. So he obviously cares about you a lot or he wouldn’t feel so guilty. But then it is sort of this irony that, or maybe not, that it’s creating some distance.

Your relationship, and to me, those are actually connected, maybe unconsciously for him, but, you know, not wanting to get married to me seems like okay, there’s some, wanting to keep his own space, wanting to keep options open, wanting to have some flexibility and freedom, or maybe wanting some distance or space.

I don’t know. And so I, I would, I would talk about that because the result of his thoughts about marriage. Is that it’s creating more distance with you guys sexually. And so both are about creating distance, both the not wanting marriage and what’s happening in the sex life. And so I think that’s an important parallel to look at, you know, is closeness not safe for him?

Does he have more of an avoidant attachment style? Um, I do have an earlier episode about attachment that I can link to in the show notes, but the gist of avoidant attachment is that it’s not that people with this attachment style. Don’t want closeness or don’t want intimacy. They totally do right like they’re still human You know, we all kind of want that but the issue is that they are afraid of it It doesn’t feel safe to them in some way.

And so I would be really curious if I were you, you know What is it that would help him feel more safe with emotional intimacy with sexual intimacy with commitment? And I will also add Especially as an unmarried person, I don’t think that marriage and commitment are the same thing. I think sometimes as a society, we get those two things conflated.

And so maybe, maybe him owning that, he might be like, I’m a hundred percent all in committed. I’m just not into marriage. Right. And I know that a lot of us who come from divorced parents or who have seen more of the negative side of marriage and commitment can be really difficult. to get behind that as an institution, you know, and then, and then if we’re just really logical and we see that the divorce rates about 50 percent for first marriages and 57 percent for second marriages.

And then when we think about who actually stays together, you know, it’s like the people who stay together, maybe half of them are happy, happily married in a healthy relationship. So then in my mind is actually about 25 percent who marry. stay married and are actually happy. It’s kind of a wonder that so many of us get married at all when we really think about it logically.

And then we have to think also about like, what is marriage? Marriage is a legal institution. It comes with certain rights. It comes with certain responsibilities. Um, it comes with certain financial implications. And so I think that really needs to be evaluated. Separately from the love, the commitment, the spiritual union.

Um, and so I think you guys having more discussions about this and really being curious, like I think where, where I see couples go wrong is that they’re not curious enough. They don’t understand on a deep enough level and it’s more just like understanding, okay, he just doesn’t want to get married. Well, why?

What does it mean to him? Um, what memories does he have about it? Um, what is his fear if he did it anyways? You know, maybe, maybe he feels like he’s not good enough for you. That could be part of the distancing. You know, there’s, there’s so many options here that I can’t really say definitively without talking to you guys, but I would just say to have those discussions.

Okay. So then I had an interesting question actually from a friend this week. This is gonna be our last question today. And the question was, let me actually pull it up on Instagram, but it was about fetishes versus kinks and what’s the difference. And it was specifically about a foot fetish, um, which is actually the most common fetish.

So let’s see here. Okay. So here’s what he said. We were talking about foot fetishes and someone called it a kink. And I was like, That’s a pretty mild kink. Why are feet that much more different than any other part of your body? It’s a great question. Uh, I think sometimes feet are fascinating. It’s like they’re literally like our foundation, you know, connecting us to the earth, um, supporting our entire body.

But they’re also often dirty. Um, and people think like, Ew, feet, right? Or they can smell, you know, if we’ve had them in the same shoes, if we wear shoes without socks, you know. We sweat through our feet. We detox through our feet. You know, there’s those products out there that like, get all the toxins out of your feet.

So, I think there’s a little bit of that just culturally, uh, and I think it is probably more cultural than factual because, you know, it’s like if our feet are safely inside socks and shoes all day, not really being exposed to many, you know, bacteria and our hands are touching our cell phones and desks and other people and all the things, uh, and most people probably aren’t washing their hands enough, you know, it’s like our feet really more gross somehow.

I also think, this is a little different in Florida than other places, but I also think because feet are kind of hidden away a lot, you know, where it’s like they’re not seen, it can create a little mystique, I think. Um, feet can also be very sensitive. You know, we have the whole idea of reflexology and how different parts of the foot connect to different centers of the brain that represent all the parts of the body.

So that’s, that can be super appealing to people. And I kind of want to also distinguish here, uh, a kink versus a fetish. So I look at kink as being the larger umbrella term and kink can include fetishes and it can also include BDSM. And it can also include things that don’t fall into either of those categories, but maybe just deviate from the norm in some way.

They’re not maybe considered vanilla or widely accepted. So I hope that that makes sense. But yeah, I hear what you’re saying. I think you’re saying, like, does it even really qualify as a kink? Because it seems pretty tame to me. Depends who you ask, you know, and I think like, how are we even defining like what’s vanilla?

What’s mainstream? And it changes over time. And I do think you’re right that it’s becoming more common. Like I watched this show called celebs go dating based in England and they had a celeb on there who had a foot fetish and was super open about it, you know, and I, I don’t know 10 years ago, 20 years ago that a celeb would be open about that.

So I think times are changing. I do think we’re getting more and more accepting as a culture. I happen to know the person asking this is like super non judgy and open about sexuality. So yes, I agree with you. Get it on with your foot fetish. Um, I, I think also part of what makes kinks and fetishes fun is the taboo element.

So part of me is like, if you’re getting off on the taboo element, let’s just go ahead and say it’s still taboo, you know? Um, but things do change, you know, like anal sex used to be something that was considered not vanilla kinky. taboo kind of out there. And now I think it’s kind of right in the middle. I think it kind of rides that line between vanilla and kinky and is becoming more and more accepted in the mainstream.

So yeah, part of me is like, all of these things are made up. And part of me is also like the more everything becomes mainstream, then do then do the current kinks lose their edge. And we’re going to find other kinks that feel more taboo. Maybe, I don’t know. Let’s find out. So thank you everybody for listening.

Um, please keep submitting your questions. These are super fun for me to answer. If you go to my Instagram, my LinkedIn bio has a way to submit questions like this anonymously. And if you go to my website, which is heathershannon. co, you just can go under work with me. And then it’s a submit a sex question and you can submit one there and they will answer it on my next.

So, thank you everybody for being here and for listening. If you love the show, please leave a rating or review. We’re super, super close to the top 1 percent and my goal is to get there by the end of the year. Thanks to your support. So, all right. Love you guys. Catch you next week.

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