Hello, my loves. I’m going to be a little bit extra raspy. And sexy today because I’m recovering from a virus. So we’re going to do that quiet voice. Um, today I’m going to talk about rejection, disappointment and receiving a no and how we can kind of work with that in our relationships and within ourselves.

So This was inspired by a few recent occurrences in my own life. Um, I was on a date last night and, and this guy’s just, you know, doing like old school courtship and it’s kind of adorable, but not being very touchy. Right. And I’m a touchy person. And he had mentioned that, you know, he was kind of an affectionate person.

And you know, the few other things came up where I was just like, why is he not touching me? Now, to be fair, I’m a little bit sick. Right. So, um, you know, uh, I’m clear in my throat. I’m like drinking my tea. Um, and so I, you know, I’m not expecting him to try and like make out with me or anything, but, uh, it, it brought up some parts for me, you know, and I thought this was an opportunity to share with you guys, um, how am I dealing with this?

How can you deal with this when you feel rejected? Um, and one thing I want to say is that it doesn’t have to be logical, right? It doesn’t have to make sense that you feel. disappointed or rejected. We can just be present with that part of ourselves. We can locate that part in our body. And we can be kind to that part and be friends that part.

And when you do that, good things can happen. So, um, I just had a session with my own life coach, a shout out to Nicoletta and, um, You know, it was, it was helpful. So I was able to locate this part of me that came up on my date last night that felt, it felt kind of embarrassed or, um, not good enough. Um, like it kind of wanted to hide, uh, so maybe even like a little exposed cause it didn’t really want to be present and you know, it felt sort of unworthy and.

A lot of times, the parts of ourselves that get triggered are what we call exiled parts in internal family systems, which is one of the main methods I use to help people. And unworthiness or feeling unlovable or feeling like a failure, not good enough, those tend to be the exiles that all of us have, which I think is kind of interesting.

You know, it’s like a reminder that We’re all in this together. Sometimes we feel especially messed up or broken or like we have all this healing work to do. And while I’m a proponent of healing, I think it’s really important that we don’t look at ourselves as broken. Um, that we can see ourselves as resilient, ever learning, ever growing.

Um, and yes, healing. So anyways, so I located this part of myself in my body and this is something you can do by becoming more and more aware of your physical sensations and you know, which physical sensations go with your emotions. So for example, if you’re feeling anxious, you might feel a lump in your throat or you might feel, um, a tight chest.

If you’re feeling dread, you might feel a pit in your stomach. If you’re feeling angry, you might feel like a rush of adrenaline through, you know, your arms. And Some of us get more of like an image that goes with an emotion that’s coming up or a part that’s coming up and some of us get more of just a sense energetically of like where something is or what it’s like and so that’s how it works more for me is I just kind of have a sense So I had a sense that this part was in my kind of solar plexus area.

So kind of just below the rib cage and above the belly button. And it, a little image came to me. I don’t always get images, but sometimes I do, or I’ll get kind of colors, you know, it’s like, just like a blob of, of a color. So this one, it was almost like a little white cartoon duck. It was very funny. Um, but this part felt, it felt, um, scared and alone and worried, you know, if it was going to be okay.

And so what we do, you know, once we’re aware that, you know, we’re feeling triggered, we’re feeling not good enough, we’re wanting outside validation, we’re feeling insecure, right? We can then bring in some self energy. And so bringing in the self energy might look like asking our other parts to step aside.

So when this part was coming up for me, It was coming up, you know, and I had other parts that were maybe judging it or resisting it, like, it doesn’t feel great to feel insecure, right? Um, it’s not something that we often want to lean into, and so I kind of reminded myself, like, it’s okay to just feel it and to be with this part and we don’t need to judge it and we don’t need to be afraid of it, that it’s going to take over.

And usually what happens is when we give attention to our parts, they tend to chill out. Which might feel counterintuitive. And so I was able to bring some self energy and what does that mean self energy is calm and confident and secure and compassionate And so I really I really felt a lot of compassion for this part I’m like, oh, it’s little and it’s kind of like alone and it worries about being abandoned and And you might be like Heather How the fuck do you know this about this part?

Isn’t this just all imaginary? Yes, it basically is. But it’s, it’s telling us something, you know, our imagination is actually a very important, powerful tool. It is a research based method. So we know it’s effective. Um, But just kind of allowing yourself to imagine and to, to kind of go and take, and take your best guess and like trust your best guess enough about what’s going on with this part.

Um, it’s actually super helpful. So I’m just gonna encourage you if, if any of those thoughts are coming up, like, what the fuck is she talking about? Um, just like notice, um, notice that and see if those parts that are sort of like, I don’t want to imagine, I want everything to be concrete. See if those parts can just step aside and give you some space, you know, um, and allow yourself to imagine and be creative in your mind and notice what you notice.

So that’s all I’m doing in this, in this example. And so I think of the self energy. Um, I think I might’ve stolen this from a client, but it’s a great analogy. is the sort of like the sun and the rays of the sun. And so the idea is like, I’m, I’m shining the rays of the sun on this little part that was feeling insecure and invalidated and needing support.

And, and then I noticed the part changed, you know? So instead of the part feeling like, you know, I’m no good or I’m unworthy, um, for it to be like, Oh, I get this attention. I get, I get these rays of light shining on me. Like I get to be cared for and taken care of. Um, and so then I was starting to see through that imagery, you know, what my parts need.

Um, And so the reason I’m sharing this is because we all deal with rejection and disappointment, um, receiving a no in all of our relationships, but it can be especially triggering in our romantic and sexual relationships. And so I want to give you guys some tools to be able to deal with that, um, and to reframe it a bit, right?

Uh, there’s a great book called The Four Agreements.

I’m going to start by explaining how and why we are all responsible for our own thoughts and emotions. So, If you’re feeling angry at someone, if you’re wanting to give somebody a no, um, that’s about you, right? That’s about your thinking. That’s about your emotions. So if your thoughts are, you know what?

This person’s kind of toxic. This person, um, doesn’t communicate in a way that feels healthy for me. This person, um, It seems to, you know, embrace too much chaos than what I’m comfortable with. It’s okay to set a different boundary or to, you know, end that relationship, but that’s based on your thinking.

Because your thinking might be like, Oh yeah, they’re like, they’re kind of chaotic, but I like that. Like, I like a little excitement. I like a little drama. Um, or your thinking might be, you know, yeah, maybe they’re not the most reliable, but like we have a great time. And so like, I’m down to just like have a great time whenever.

And if it doesn’t work out fine, I have other things to do. And so the idea is two different people are going to think two different ways about the same person, the same situation. Right. And so we just need to kind of own, like, do we like our thoughts? Do we like the stories we have about the situation?

Is that working for us? Is that in alignment for us? Now, the same holds true for other people. So if someone’s giving you a no, if someone’s rejecting you, it’s not because you’re not great. It’s because of their own thinking, their own preferences. And I really do look at it like these are two puzzle pieces.

They either kind of fit pretty well or they don’t, but it’s like, if you’re a puzzle piece, are you going to take it personally that the other puzzle piece doesn’t match with you? No, it’s like they, they’re just, you know, I think we can neutralize it is the point we can neutralize, um, how other people are responding to us and we can neutralize receiving a no.

So I recently, uh, received a no from my friend, Pearl Noir. So I did a reel on this on Instagram already. Um, but basically the situation was we, we chat a lot on audio about, uh, our businesses and our manifesting. And sometimes we get into a little bit of astrology. And, um, I had just said something like, okay, like, let me know if you, you know, want any feedback on your, your email that you sent out recently.

And she was kind of like, um, cause she was expressing, you know, some Some thoughts about that or whatever and I was like, I don’t know if she wants my help, you know, I don’t want to like overstep, but I also don’t want to like hold back. I have something that could be helpful. And so I asked. And so I, I think also that’s just good advice.

You know, I’m a big fan of consent. Um, I don’t respond particularly well to unsolicited advice. And so I try to, you know, practice what I preach there. So I asked and then she was kind of like, you know, no, I’m good. And, um, Inside I was sort of, there was maybe like a tiny, tiny moment where I was like, Oh, she doesn’t want my advice.

But like really pretty immediately I felt, that’s awesome. Like, I love that she can just say no for her, if that doesn’t feel right. And that she’s trusting her own intuition, the signal she’s getting from her body and her self energy. And it actually made me feel like. This is someone who I appreciate even more now, right, because I know that she is going to show up authentically and so we can have a friendship built on genuine authenticity, you know, because I have experienced, um, and I think we all have connections where someone says they’re going to do something out of obligation or out of people pleasing.

And, and also we’re, we’ve probably been this person too. Um, and. Yeah. And then you realize like, oh, wow, they’re really overextended because they’re kind of doing that as a pattern across their life. And then they don’t have as much to give, or they do wind up having to cancel more. And so I think realizing that like someone being able to tell us no, especially about something relatively small like that, um, is a blessing.

But I would even say, If it’s something big, it’s like with, with accurate information, we can then make informed choices for ourselves. Right. And so even if it’s like, Hey, let’s move in together. Um, and the person’s like, you know, no. Well, good thing they didn’t move in with you if they didn’t really want to, like that’s a disaster waiting to happen, right?

Um, so I think it’s important that we reframe the boundaries. We don’t take them as personally and that we can work with our own parts to take care of ourselves when we’re able to access our self energy, which again is calm, confident, compassionate, intuitive, playful. The self energy does not need external conditions to be a certain way.

There’s no agenda. It’s really more of a being state. And when we’re able to access that, we’re infinitely resilient. And regardless of whatever traumas have happened in our lives or whatever we perceive as a trauma, um, or disappointment or rejection, our self energy is infinitely resilient and unaffected by those traumas.

It’s our parts, you know, like I mentioned my exiled part that, um, felt unworthy. It’s our parts that tend to hold those trauma burdens. And so by helping the parts get access to the self energy and build a relationship between self and parts, we are able to heal and release some of those trauma burdens and to move forward and also to just lead our life from a place of self energy.

Um, Which is infinitely secure in ourselves. It’s so cool, you guys. So whether it’s kind of a small thing that has upset you, um, if, if maybe you try to open up about a kink that you’re into or, Um, something you want to try with your partner sexually, or opening up your relationship, um, and trying non monogamy.

It’s like sometimes those are tough conversations and they’re not always going to be received how we want them to receive, be received, but if we are able to show up for ourself and know That we can handle it and we can feel the painful feelings and process them and tend to our parts that are feeling wounded, that we’re going to be able to get through that.

And we’re going to be able to keep showing up for mature conversations. Um, and so I know it’s not always easy, but I hope that me sharing, uh, this information about kind of how to reframe it, I hope that that’s helpful. And, um, I also just wanted to extend to you guys, uh, if this is something you need more help with, if you want to become more resilient, um, if you want to, um, bring this kind of emotional mastery into your relationships, uh, which by the way is going to completely uplevel them.

Uh, don’t hesitate to reach out, right? I post the link to my, uh, intimacy breakthrough sessions in the show notes. Um, I’m going to start limiting those to three a week max. So if you want one this week, make sure you click that and, and we can talk, um, about what’s going on for you and how to incorporate emotional mastery.

Um, and excellent communication skills and self care, uh, as a foundation in your relationship and as a foundation to an amazing sex life, right? It’s like, it’s not rocket science, but it is, it is stuff that we haven’t been taught and it is stuff that takes some practice and some support. So anyways, thank you guys so much for listening.

Love y’all and see you next week.