This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello, my loves.

Welcome back to another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist. I am excited today because this is going to be your introduction to kink. And you might be thinking, Well, Heather, you already did an episode on Fyndham and that was pretty advanced. Now we’re going back to this. Yes, you guys, I got a little bit of the ADHD and sometimes I just don’t go in order, but I think this will be a good overview.

I’m going to give you a little disclaimer at the beginning. We are by no means going to be covering all areas of kink. That would basically be impossible, but we’re going to cover some of the basics and give you a framework. It’ll include some helpful links in the show notes that will help you explore if you’re wanting to explore a little bit more.

So if this is an episode that you love, uh, if you’ve just been loving the show in general, it would be amazing if you could leave us a review on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. And tag us on social media, you know, you can share these episodes, tag me. I love interacting with people on Instagram and my Instagram is just ask a sex therapist, all one word.

So really easy. But yeah, without further ado, let’s get into it. Okay. So. What’s kink? Let’s start there. So this is going to be interesting because much like in my episode, am I queer? Are you queer? You’re going to discover that words don’t quite do this area justice. You might say kink is anything that’s not vanilla.

Okay. But what’s vanilla? So vanilla could be anything that’s considered socially acceptable in terms of sex, like widely, agreed upon. So things like kissing, things like, you know, making out, groping, oral sex, intercourse, right? Those are generally agreed upon. One thing I want to point out is now oral sex is probably something most people would do as foreplay leading up to intercourse, but back in the day, only decades ago, oral sex was something that was even more intimate than intercourse that people would often You know, do maybe after they’ve already had intercourse.

And, and another interesting one is anal sex now. And so anal sex is something that used to fit pretty squarely in a kinky category. But it’s been gaining so much more interest and acceptance. It’s, you know, one of my more popular episodes. Um, I know it’s been more of a popular episode on other sex podcasts too.

So I don’t know, is anal sex kinky or vanilla? You tell me, right? And so I just want to be really clear that, you know, these terms, kinky and vanilla, are super subjective. You’ll find that people are going to disagree on what goes into each category and in my mind. It’s who cares Right. Just do what you want to do.

We can call it what we call it But I do think it’s worth exploring The idea of kink the idea of things that are maybe a little bit more taboo or a little bit less universally agreed upon because there could be something really fun and juicy in there and In Justin Lee Miller’s book, Tell Me What You Want, he studied fantasies.

It was like the largest research study with thousands of people of what their sexual fantasies are. And it was definitely 90 some percent who had had some kind of kink or BDSM fantasy. I want to say it was 96%. I might be not a hundred percent accurate, but it was definitely in the nineties. And so I also think it’s really interesting that we even consider kink to be non vanilla.

If most people are having some kind of, Some sort of kinky fantasy. So keep that in mind too. You know, it’s like what people say in private and what they think when they’re by themselves that they don’t tell anyone about might be different than what they would say publicly. So that’s important to keep in mind too.

So kink is an umbrella term. Okay, so that’s going to include BDSM. BDSM would sort of be like a subcategory of kink. Fetishes, so fetishes are not BDSM per se, uh, in the strict definition, but they would still fall under the kink umbrella. Some role plays, people might be like, Oh, wow, that’s like an out there role play, or that’s wild and adventurous, you know?

Um, like I just did an episode on shameless sex as a guest. Uh, actually it might not be coming out for a couple days, but that one’s about age play. And so that can be An area that feels pretty kinky to people. But if you think of, you know, a teacher student role play, which is still age play, um, people might be like, Oh, that’s pretty common or like everyone kind of does that, you know?

Uh, so again, it’s who’s to say, really? And then also there’s some things like exhibitionism, voyeurism that don’t strictly meet BDSM definitions, um, but they’re still going to fall in the kink umbrella and they’re not necessarily a thing. fetish. So, so we’ve got a few different sort of buckets within kink.

I also want to add, just because I’m a therapist and, you know, come from a mental health background, the DSM 5 is the diagnostic manual that therapists use to diagnose our clients or patients. And this is what insurance companies use to reimburse. And I do think it’s important to realize that this is not a perfect book.

It’s not a perfect manual. And that’s also why it gets updated. In general, I believe that we give too much, uh, weight or importance to people with degrees and what books say. It’s like, we really need to keep in mind these are written by humans. And so I’m going to give you a few examples related to this.

So in the DSM 5, it’s going to say that, you know, exhibitionism is a disease. It’s going to say it’s a mental illness. Basically, um, and voyeurism as well, and some other kink things as well. They call them paraphilias in the Diagnostic Manual. This is a manual that used to say that being homosexual was a disease.

Now, we don’t say that anymore, right? And so it’s really important to realize that these, these are things, um, the diagnoses, um, what is kinky? What is vanilla? These are things that change over time as society changes. It’s all highly, highly subjective, uh, meaning people just make up in their heads what goes into this category and what goes into that category.

So as always, you do you. And before we get into some of the specific kinks, I also want to remind you guys of the foundation. of sexiness, which is consent. And one of the things that the King community really excels at is consent and having discussions ahead of time. And I think it’s because there’s an awareness of like, we’re kind of exploring maybe some of the edges of sexuality.

We’re exploring some things that might bring up intense emotion or might trigger us in certain ways or might just be really new and different like out of our comfort zone. And so there’s a real emphasis on, you know, how can we make sure everyone’s on the same page? And so there’s a couple of principles that I want to introduce to you.

So one is called RAC, R A C K, Risk Aware Consensual Kink. Right? I think we can also apply this framework to any type of sex. So, risk aware. This means that you’re informed, you kind of know what you’re getting into. So, for example, if you wanted to play with something like breath play, um, which, That falls in the kink umbrella.

It might fall in some of the sub buckets of kink that we talked about. But breath play is one of the most dangerous kinks, right? And people might not realize that. Think that, you know, bondage is or impact play, but actually breath play is one of the most dangerous ones. And so knowing that, knowing where are the risks, where do I need to be concerned?

And if you’re exploring certain kinks, you might need to have some medical knowledge. You know, if you’re tying somebody up with rope and it can cause nerve damage, you need to know, okay, what do I look out for? What areas of the body do I need to tie a little bit looser, tie a little bit tighter? Okay, and so it’s important to be informed.

and how do we do that? We can do reading, we can listen to podcasts, we can watch videos. There’s so many resources. I think the best way is probably to go to an in person class and learn from someone who’s been doing it for years or decades, even and get some practice in a group setting. And there’s, there’s.

There’s plenty of opportunities like that, especially if you live in a big enough city. You can also travel. They also have kink conferences. I’ll put as many of these links as possible in the show notes because it’s kind of fun to explore. So that’s the risk aware piece. The consensual piece is that we need two legal adults who are You know, of sound mind, sober mind, who are consciously choosing to enter into this agreement to explore some kinks.

And so they have the awareness and they’re both consenting. It’s like, Hey, we’re on board. Awesome. And then the last part is King, which again is very subjective, but it’s just saying like, we’re, we’re informed and we’re agreeing as adults. And the risk aware piece really means that you might be consenting to a high level of risk, but if you’re making an informed choice, that’s your right.

You know, there’s some people who are daredevils and other areas of life. Some people who want to, you know, do stunts and like. be a stunt person as a career, right? It’s like, okay, you know what you’re getting into. This is not as safe as some other jobs, but people sign on for it anyways. And there might be other people who know like, okay, I have a lower risk tolerance, you know, like, I don’t want to do breath play.

I don’t want to do anything that could cause nerve damage. Here’s the categories that I’m comfortable with. Right? Maybe I’m comfortable with some light spanking. Maybe I’m comfortable with bondage where I can, you know, easily escape. And it’s more of the illusion of control than like truly not being able to move physically.

And so that’s going to be part of getting to know yourself in this process too is figuring out What level of risk are you comfortable with? The other piece that is going to be important is what we call aftercare. So you want to have those consensual conversations ahead of time and then afterwards, and you might not really know what to do with this when you first start, but you’ll get better and better at it.

But afterwards, there might be Kind of a need for like, okay, that was kind of intense. I think I just need someone to like pet my hair and like soothe me and like maybe cuddle me a little bit or just to kind of like stroke my skin or like rub my shoulders or just cuddle with me and be quiet. Or I might need to have a conversation and process this sometime in the next 24 hours.

Maybe it’s right away afterwards. Maybe it’s the next day after you’ve had some time to process. Maybe you don’t need any aftercare at all. I would err on the side of having some aftercare. This is something that you are new to. And all of this is like pretty mature stuff, right? Like having a conversation about consent, arranging aftercare.

And I think it’s good because it really tells you, is this a partner? Who’s willing to invest on that level with me and even just having a partner who’s willing to do that can really add to a sense of safety. Um, so I hope that’s helpful. So now we’re going to explore a few specific dynamics within kink.

And so one of the sort of classic ones is Dom and sub. So someone’s dominant, someone’s submissive, right? What does this look like? I also want to add. Everyone wants to be a sub, you know, everybody there seems to be sort of, uh, you know, I don’t want to be in charge. I’m in charge enough. You know, I make enough decisions in a day.

Let’s have someone else be in charge. Um, but then there’s a lot of people who are like, Oh, I got control issues. And I’m just going to lean into that. And that’s going to be enjoyable for me. Or maybe I don’t have a ton of control in my day to day life or leadership. And so I want to really lead into that.

I’ve also seen it with clients who’ve experienced some trauma where they didn’t feel safe or have control. And so being in more of a dominant role can really allow them to feel safe. So that can even be something to play with in terms of your healing, right? Um, and it might be only after someone’s really earned your trust and you feel like extra safe with them that you would allow yourself to be submissive with And so it’s really figuring out.

What’s going to work for you? So let’s say you decide, okay, cool, we’re going to do this whole DOM sub thing. The first question I would encourage you to ask yourself is, how do you want to feel? Do you want to just feel free? You know, like, I’m just going to go for it. You know, like, I’m going to express some parts of myself I haven’t expressed before.

I’m going to quit censoring myself. I’m just going to really, like, lean into an experience. Let’s say you’re trying out being a DOM. Do you want to be? Sort of a daddy dom or a mommy dom, um, or just some kind of parental vibe or, you know. And I, and I also want to say you could be a daddy dom or a mommy dom regardless of gender.

Uh, there’s, you know, one of the top podcasts is called, Call Her Daddy. So, um, you pick the words that work for you. Uh, but it’s more of that energy. that you’re bringing to it. And so the daddy or mommy dom is typically going to be kind of nurturing, might be like, Oh, good boy, good girl, or like, okay, come to mommy, come to daddy.

And so there might be some of like leaning into that. So if you’re someone who really likes a lot of nurturing, who likes praise, who, you know, wants to feel kind of safe in that way, that might be sort of an energy or vibe. That’s how you want to feel. Now, you can also be more like, I want someone who’s.

kind of mean and a badass, or I want to embody that because I’m so polite, you know, in my everyday life, and this is a chance to kind of explore something else. Again, we want to make sure both people are on the same page with this, um, not everyone’s going to want to be on the receiving end of that, but some people absolutely will.

Some people want to be put in their place, or some people even want to be more degraded or put down. In a consensual way, maybe knowing that you actually care about them outside of this very specific sexual container. And so there’s a lot of different ways to play with this. So think about it though. Do I want that nurturing energy?

Do I want to feel maybe like a goddess, you know? And that’s my version of dominant, is like I’m a goddess and I want someone who just really enjoys serving me and like catering to, you know, what’s going to make me feel good and really leaning into my pleasure. Right. Do I want to be a dom who kind of inflicts pain and gives out punishments or funnishments, right?

Do I want to be a submissive who’s actually a little bit more bratty, you know? And kind of likes playing with that power and kind of testing the limits, you know? It’s like, okay, let’s see. I’m supposed to be the submissive, but let’s see what I can get away with. And, and you might want to lose, you might want the dominant person to really keep that power and not let you test their limits and know where those limits are.

And you might want to win once in a while too. So I think even establishing that with your partner can be really helpful. But the key that I really want you to know with this Dom sub thing and kind of exploring that is that there are infinite ways to do that. And so if you’re not sure. Do some educating, right?

Beducated is like the Netflix of sex education. The owner, Mariah Freya, was a guest on my show in episode 34. And so that’s a great resource. And I’ll put discount link in there for 40 percent off their annual membership. Starting to kind of explore this in a way where you actually are like studying it and taking courses and putting some energy into it and just getting curious and trying things with your partner.

can be really fun and it can help you come up with new ideas and new ways to approach it. So I hope that is helpful. One specific thing I want to add, especially if you’re a dude and you’re like, I’m going to be dominant. Um, don’t start out with. Yeah, get down on your knees and suck my dick. This is a common place that a lot of guys go when they think they’re being a dumb.

This is not being a dumb. Okay, so being a dumb is typically considering the submissive wants, right? Just because you’re in charge doesn’t mean you don’t care or consider the other person. In fact, it’s kind of the opposite. So it’s kind of like, okay, I want to kind of. Earn my partner’s submissiveness and to deserve their submissiveness.

And so really for me to be in charge of both of us, I need to kind of have their back. I need to know what does my submissive like? Do they really like praise? Do they really like what we call punishment? Where it’s like it’s a punishment, but it’s really fun and they like getting in trouble a little bit?

You know? What kind of sexual activities do they like? Do they like spankings? Do they like. giving oral sex? Do they like, you know, forced orgasms where, you know, they’re really surrendering and you’re kind of giving the pleasure? Um, so there is such a thing as a pleasure dom, uh, or service top, which can sometimes have a similar vibe to a pleasure dom where you’re really being of service and giving pleasure, but you’re the one kind of doing the action.

So yeah, those are a couple of things to keep in mind. Um, There’s also a couple other ways to kind of express that. So somebody can be waiting for you. You can have the submissive wait for you and that can be a way that they’re showing surrender. You might have them crawling or showing, you know, that they are kind of in a lower rank or have less power through their physical actions.

Maybe they’re like kneeling or waiting for you in a certain position. They could be human furniture. Right? They could be on all fours and you could use them as your foot rest. They might just want to be said, you know, told, Hey, you’re a good boy. You’re a good sub. You’re a good girl. Right? So there’s so many different ways that you can express that power exchange.

And I think the important thing is just to start tuning into like, what do you think could work for you in your partnership and try it. Right? Agree on what you want to try and then check in with each other afterwards. How did that go? Do we want to repeat that? Do we want to try something new next time?

And that’s how you learn. So another important thing I want to check in with in terms of introduction to kink is bondage. Right? So when we think about BDSM, so that stands for bondage, domination, submissive, submissiveness or sadomasochism, and then the masochism part. And so a couple of the letters can stand for multiple things, but generally the B is bondage.

And so bondage can also look a few different ways. So bondage could be part of that DOM sub dynamic that we just talked about, where the dominant Somehow binds or ties up the submissive as another way to kind of show or express power. So this could be anything from like the furry pink handcuffs that you know We’ve all kind of heard of or is almost like a gag gift for bachelorette parties at this point To someone who’s really skilled at shibari, you know which is the Japanese art of of tying somebody with rope and even within shibari There’s some people who really want to use Shabari in a functional way to maybe suspend somebody from a beam or a hard point, you know, a hard point means it’s safe and it’s going to hold the weight, you know, like a hook from the ceiling.

So there’s a lot of different ways to do that. And some people really love Shabari for the aesthetics. And so they might use Like a really brightly colored nylon rope. They might use kind of rainbow colors to make rope almost look like a sexy outfit. So there’s so many different ways. to use this. And so if you’re somebody who kind of geeks out and wants to get into the details and really learn things, you know, Shibari is probably a great place for you to start.

And so you can find an online workshop or even better, an in person workshop for that. You can also get one of those, you know, under the bed restraint systems, um, where you can kind of tie your partner’s ankles up or their wrists up by using this sort of system that goes underneath your bed and then has like little pieces that extend to the top of the bed to tie up your partner.

So that would be an option if you’re like, I do not have the patience to learn this rope system. I do not want to spend You know, 30 minutes tying my partner up versus other people who might love the process or find the process to be part of the foreplay or something that’s sensual. I also want to add a lot of people who are into kink are really into some of these activities all by themselves.

These activities do not have to lead to intercourse, they do not have to lead to orgasm, um, they don’t even have to lead to sexual arousal, right? There’s plenty of people who identify as asexual who still really enjoy playing with some of these power dynamics or forms of self expression. So I think if we kind of separate Kink from sex, that can be really helpful.

One of the myths that, you know, I’ve, I’ve also personally experienced is that if people find out that you’re kinky, they kind of think like, Oh yeah, like she’s just going to, you know, fuck me really early on, probably have sex on the first date. You know, these are two separate things, so I think people need to understand that.

So if you meet someone who wants to introduce you to some kinks, don’t assume, just kind of ask like, okay, cool, what does that mean for you? You know, or, um, is there a specific kink that you kind of want us to try together? Um, does this mean? that you have a higher sex drive. Does this mean that you are not interested in sex at all and the kink is kind of what you prefer to do instead of what we would traditionally define as sex?

And so just ask. Really just ask. What I find is that kink in general can add an element of like mental drama. And so if you kind of like the idea of some fun drama. And you like the idea of getting out of your head, or maybe it’s a little bit of a struggle for you to get out of your head, kink might be something that would be really healthy and awesome for you to lean into, even if you’re someone who maybe has ADHD or somebody who gets really bored easily with sex.

It could be a really great way to like add in some variety, add in kind of a mental twist or some more mental engagement so that you’re not thinking about what’s for dinner. Um, it’s kind of like by turning up the drama level or turning up the taboo level a little bit, you’re just that much more.

engaged, which I think can be really helpful for a lot of people who, like I said, maybe get bored easily, maybe have higher anxiety, um, whose mind tends to wander during sex, uh, it can be super helpful. So we have a few ideas of bondage. Bondage can also involve, you know, ball gags, uh, it can involve spreader bars.

There’s all sorts of things. You can really go down the rabbit hole. So if that’s something you’re curious about, um, it can be a great option. It’s great. Also great if you’re somebody who has, uh, decision fatigue because what happens is when you’re tied up, the options are removed, right? So you might be like, Oh, should I like, you know, finger my partner or should I like grab their penis or should I, it’s like, well, Oh, I can’t do any of that cause my hands are tied.

Okay, nevermind. So it might be good for you if those are things you struggle with, uh, during sex. So let’s talk about impact play and what that is. So. Impact play, um, we can, there’s a whole range of impact play, right? And this is going to be kind of that sadism, masochism aspect of BDSM. So, impact play can be anything from spanking, which most people have probably done.

So even, even though we’re kind of in the kink category, Spanking’s probably kind of vanilla, right? And this is, again, where it’s really hard to distinguish where is that line. But if we looked at impact play as sort of a spectrum, we can look at, you know, spanking maybe on one end, but then as the spanking gets harder or more extreme, or if people want marks left from a spanking session, that might be more at the extreme end of kinks.

So even though it’s the same activity, do you want kind of a light spanking? Do you want just the sporadic spanking? Or do you want to go much more hard and intense with it? And this is the type of thing where I don’t recommend jumping into the deep end. If you’re new to this, educate yourselves, find out what areas of the body are safe to kind of have more impact.

Um, when, you know, should you be concerned about bruising? Um, you know, people often will kind of spank areas that are not really safe to spank. And this kind of applies as well, so there’s just using your hands and spanking, there’s also riding crops, there are floggers, that’s probably a pretty popular one that I’ve kind of seen more in social media that people are talking about, um, there’s whips, there’s canes, there’s all sorts of things, right?

There’s paddles, um, to use, and they all have a little bit of a different sensation, so if this is an area that you’re like, okay, let me just dip my toe in, my advice would be, Again, if you can find a workshop, if you can go to a kink conference, they often will have vendors selling these types of things and you can kind of test how they feel on your hand or on your leg and just notice like, is this a sensation that I’m even really interested in?

Is this a sensation that feels good to me? And you’ll hear people often talk about, you know, what’s stingy and what’s thuddy and people typically will prefer something that’s kind of got a little thuddy. smack to it and that stingy feeling, or they’ll prefer something that’s thuddy and has a different sensation that’s like kind of heavier and not as much of a, um, intense smack, if you will.

Um, so anyway, so there’s a couple of different sensations and then obviously there’s the intensity of it and then there’s the importance of learning where on the body. So those are the important things with impact play. And then of course, figuring out. Who’s giving the impact, who’s receiving the impact, and you have to kind of figure that out.

So you, you might not know, am I more of a sadist or am I more of a masochist until you try. And so that’s why I always recommend start light, allow yourself to experiment, try all the different types of sensations and tools to see what you like the best. And then go from there. Once you figure out some of those.

initial pieces of it. So I hope this has been really helpful for you guys. I think this is a fascinating area to explore more, uh, and I don’t think it’s something that there’s really enough. education about. And so I feel that, you know, feeling intimidated can really be a barrier here. Um, but don’t let that be a barrier.

Um, you know, go on FetLife, explore some of the resources that I’m going to put in the comments, go to workshops, go to conventions. There’s plenty of things where people are fully clothed and just demonstrating this type of thing. So you don’t have to like go into the deep end and like get fully naked and like do the most intense things right away.

Okay, so I hope this was helpful. Thank you guys so much for listening. If you are somebody who is really wanting to add the spice back into your sex life, if you’re in a committed relationship and you have lost the spark, I want to let you guys know that I am still offering, uh, intimacy breakthrough sessions.

Now I’m limiting these to two per week. So if you are interested, so I am also starting a wait list. Um, so it won’t be. taking on any new coaching clients for my coaching program until at least January of 2024. So I’ll still do the consultation. And then if it does seem like a good fit, you know, you’ll, you’ll be kind of first on the wait list.

So that’s what’s going on now. This is perfect for somebody who is really committed in their relationship, but really feels like the sex life is kind of dead on arrival. Um, maybe it’s become a chore. And so if it’s gotten to that point and you’re kind of looking out a year ahead and feeling concerned for your relationship because you’re not connecting that way, that’s who these consults are for.

So please don’t hesitate to reach out. There aren’t enough resources in this area. I’m very happy to be a resource and I will give you my top recommendations and just help you get really clear on where do you want to be a few months from now and how do we get you there. So thanks everybody for listening and I will catch you next Monday.

All right. Bye everybody. Thanks for listening.

If you are loving the show and you don’t want to miss another one, make sure you hit follow. At the top of the screen from the show page, and if you’re on an episode page, just go to the little three menu, select go to show, and then hit follow at the top of your screen. This helps us show up on the Apple sexuality charts.

It helps more people find this show and it helps spread the message of sexuality. So thanks guys, and we’ll catch you next time.