📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 Hello, everybody. And welcome back to another amazing episode with a special guest. Um, so I’m very excited to be here with somebody who is a Tantra teacher. We haven’t talked about that yet on the podcast. So let me introduce her. Magda K is an intimacy expert, certified Tantra teacher, speaker, and author on a mission to help individuals around the world experience more love, love, love.

Pleasure and intimacy for almost a decade. Her advice on relationship dynamics has helped countless singles and couples alike live more fulfilling and authentic lives in and outside of the bedroom. So welcome Magda. I’m so excited to have you here. So,

I’m looking forward to this one. Yes.

good. Me too. I know. Like Tantra, it’s actually really interesting because, um, before I became a sex therapist, the thing that actually made me want to be a sex therapist was Tantra.

I was, I was going to like make an online course and I was kind of Googling like which online courses are in demand where there’s like not enough teachers and Tantra came up And it made me think like There needs to be more like reputable people in this field because it’s really hard to know like who’s legit and who isn’t so I was like, I’ll be that person.

And then I went and did all this training and they taught us nothing about Tantra. So, um, yeah, so I’m hoping you might even help point me in the right direction. Um, but before we get into that, uh, you very kindly brought up that, you know, when I have guests on the show. The show is called Ask a Sex Therapist, and so I let people know, Hey, you get, you’ll get to ask me a question since I’m the sex therapist and that’s what the show is called.

And then every single time I’ve had a guest, I have not done this. And so you’ve graciously reminded me. And so let’s kick the show off with that. So I don’t forget again.

Okay. So we’re like switching the roles and let

Yeah. Yeah. You get one question and then I’m going to just ask a bunch the rest of the time.

So, yes, I do have a question for you and it is based on a lot of observation that I’ve had, cause I have not heard anyone talk about it. So.

Okay.

It’s easy for me to work with couples where men wants more sex than a woman. And the reason why is because based on my observation and my understanding of sexuality, women are more sexual than men.

So all I need to do is bring a woman back into her natural state. But how do you work with couples where it’s the opposite? Meaning that a woman is very sexual, but a man’s libido is much lower. How would you balance that?

Okay. That’s so interesting. Um, and I, I love that that’s your understanding because I think so many people feel the reverse. Like men are way more interested in sex than women and I really have not found that to be true. Um, So one of my, probably like my favorite success story actually is where the woman had a bit more interest or a lot more interest in sex because the husband’s was zero.

Um, but what was cool is like the deeper we got, the more we kind of realized what was blocking him. So I think it’s the same concept, you know, I was like, you know, and when you trust that a woman really has that sexual energy in there somewhere and something’s just blocking it, You find that blockage and you remove it.

And I think it’s actually the same thing for men. So we were able to figure out that some of it was performance anxiety. Some of it was beliefs around age and sexuality. And there was some religious stuff woven in there about, you know, procreation and like what sex is supposed to be for. And so we just started removing those one by one.

And then part of it, which was interesting is. I had given them some kind of exercise to do, just sort of like a sensual exercise. And we were starting to kind of build up in that way. And they wound up just going for it and like having penetrative sex. And that actually taught them what some of the blockages had been as well, which I found really interesting.

They’re like, well, just went for it. Wow, we just skipped over several steps, but cool. Yeah,

it. You just sped up our whole therapy here.

yeah, but it was, but it was like through just going for it. They realized what had been holding them back, you know, so, um, so that was cool. And part of it was creating a safe space to, you know, like, just like you have the belief that like maybe women are even more sexual.

I don’t know if I believe men are more emotional, but I think they’re equally emotional, but they’ve just been really like cut off from their emotions. Like I just did a session with a young man having some erectile dysfunction and so much of it was like this emotional piece where men aren’t supposed to say no and men are just supposed to be like hard all the time and it’s like if you look in their direction or breathe on them, they should get hard, you know, and it’s just, I feel like it’s just not fair to men.

And it’s like reducing them to like this. trope of like what a man is supposed to be. So anyways, I hope that answers the question.

thank you so much. I love the perspective. And, um, yeah, it’s really interesting. I, I, um, I feel like we’re all naturally very sexual. And like you

Mm hmm.

it means there’s something blocking it. I don’t believe that low libido is ever a natural state. I think we’re all highly sexual.

I don’t even know if like distinguishing whether you’re heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual or anything. We have

Mm hmm.

these days. I don’t even think it matters. Just we are sexual and it’s just how much do you let the sexual energy flow through you? So, yeah, thank you for sharing this.

Thank you. I, I love that perspective too. So I guess before we get into like all my millions of questions for you, um, how did you get into this field? Cause like, it’s, it’s so fun for me connecting with other people in this field cause it’s a unique field to be in. So how did you wind up here?

Well, Heather, when I was, you know, 12 years old, I really wished, you know, I was dreaming of being a sex therapist, right? No. I mean, I do find it funny because if I look back, back, back, I was so shy. I was extremely shy around men. Oh my

Interesting. I relate to that.

Yeah. And so it was like, how on earth did I end up here? Like,

Mm hmm. Mm

definitely puzzling. So here’s what happened. Um, so I was already into personal growth and I was into energy healing and meditation.

So I used to work for the company, maybe, you know, with Mindvalley and Yeah. So working for them and we’re talking like over a decade ago. Okay. Like almost like a past life. So they introduced me to this whole, like, you know, spirituality, personal development. So it was already like, I was already available to this.

And then what happened is, um, I practically lost the relationship because I was in orgasmic. So he was taking it personally and eventually like, you know, like You know, it brought us apart. Basically, um, we were too young. We had no understanding or knowledge to work through that. And so for me, this was really like the moment when I was just like, okay, I really have to look at it.

Like, I cannot just pretend like there is no issue. Um, I, I gotta do something about it. And back in those times, you know, Tantra was like, I mean, you knew Tantra is something about sex. Cause I think people were linking it to Kama Sutra and all of this mysterious world, but like, It’s not like today when you just Google Tantra and you get tons of results on Google.

It just wasn’t available at that time. So I was just kind of like asking here and there. And then I heard these things of like, um, like a yoni massage, which is like a, you know, internal pussy massage. And I was like, what are all of these things? And I was triggered as fuck for three years, you know, hearing about all these practices until I got to the place where I’m like, I want sexual healing.

Like for me, this idea of sexual healing was a new concept, but I knew that’s what I wanted. And so I was like, I want to go into Tantra. And so I was asking around and trying to find different places. Where can I study this? Again, it was not available a decade ago. I found an ashram in India and like, you were joking that, you know, you sign up for this course and like, they didn’t teach you anything about Tantra.

So I went for the, to this, um, tantric ashram in India and they taught us a lot about Tantra. Tantra, but nothing about sex. I was like, I was the opposite. I was like, what happened to the sexual stuff? That’s why I’m here. Then I found another school, which was very sexual. Like it was a common thing that teachers were sleeping with students.

It’s like lots and lots of sex everywhere. It was practically a sex cult, if you want to be honest. But I was doing all of it for my own healing. I need, I needed healing. I needed to release some old stories. Never with the intention of doing this for work. But at that time, I had already been doing some life coaching and business consultation.

And so everything I was exploring for myself was, you know, slowly step by step, like infiltrating my work and how I speak to clients. And it took, I don’t know, four years or something. And just, you know, basically my offerings shifted, evolved and became what it is today. Yeah.

So can you break it down for people a little bit like that first place you went with Tantra, but not sex So how what is Tantra? Maybe we should start with that. Let’s start with that.

So look, I think there is a difference between, you know, what something really is and the meaning we have given it today. Cause it’s the same like yoga. People say I do yoga and like, no, you don’t do yoga. You do exercises on the yoga mat, but we call it yoga. So the same with Tantra. I’d like to distinguish these two things.

So basically what Tantra is, it’s a spiritual path. That is very similar to yoga. So practically everything you do in yoga is also part of the tantric practice. So in tantra, you do hatha yoga, you do meditation, visualization, you use mantras, you do pranayama, all of these practices, you do them as well. But there are certain differences as in what the spiritual path actually is.

So that is what tantra is. And this is what we were studying in India.

Okay.

you can go way deeper into all the rituals. Like there’s so much, so much there. Now, what people usually think of when they say or hear Tantra these days is more like, knowledge and practices around what we call conscious sexuality.

So I think it’s like, you know, what happened is that we took this one aspect of tantric spiritual path, which is sexuality. And that’s what modern tantra is about. So when we say tantra today, we often talk about what’s called new age or new tantra or modern tantra, which is not necessarily spiritual. Um, but it’s more because if you think of it, like traditional tantra is about enlightenment.

So I don’t think people come to me because they want enlightenment. They come to me because they want better sex and better intimate lives, and that’s okay. And that’s okay. You know? So, but buddy, I think it’s, it’s good to understand it. And again, because we associate tantra so much with sex, a lot of sex workers, a lot of erotic massages are tantra simply as branding.

It doesn’t have much to do with. Real tantra, but you will find it. So just be mindful that sometimes if it’s a tantric workshop It’s gonna be an orgy. If it’s a tantric massage, it’s basically an erotic massage, so We just have to be mindful how the word is used. I’ll start with that

I appreciate that. And I think that was some of what kind of scared me in trying to like sign up for anything because I was like, what am I actually getting? And like, what training do these people actually have? So how would, like, what would you advise people like me who are like curious and want to try something, but like want to find something reputable?

Yeah, um, so Look, it really depends what you’re looking for. So there are a few organizations that do Tantra with a very sexual angle. So there used to be, I actually don’t know if it still exists cause there was some accusations there, but TNT, which is, um, the new Tantra. So that was one of the, you could say movements or organizations that were very sexual.

And what we have today is. Ista, which is another school of Tantra and these schools are very focused on sexual practices. So there is nudity, there is interaction, et cetera. It’s not to say that this is bad. Uh, like I’ve done these, these type of trainings and they gave me a lot, but just be mindful of what you’re signing up for.

So what I’d say is that if this feels really a lot, and if someone really wants to take it like easy and step by step, first of all, I’d say work with a woman. There is a lot of most of schools really like tantra schools are run by men and so naturally they’re going to have a very different energy. Yes, I would say look for a female teacher.

Um, absolutely message them and see their content. What do they talk about? But I think if it’s a woman only space, that will be for women. This will feel much safer. Um, because it is true that if these are workshops that are open for men and women, you are going to get a lot of men who are there to hunt,

Okay.

it’s for couples, then usually you stay in a couple, you don’t interact with other people.

So again, you’re going to be more safe here, but if you’re like a single woman, just be mindful that if it’s mixed, You are going to get these guys that can feel a little creepy. And again, for men who want to explore Tantra, yeah, don’t look at it as a dating pool because energetically you’re really pushing women away.

Um, so I’d say, yes, look at, you know, what are the things for men, women, couples, um, choose a female. check their social media, check how they present themselves. Usually Tantra teachers who will be very sexual, they’re like Instagram is going to be very sexual as well. You know, a lot of like half naked photos.

So that will give you an idea of how they teach.

That makes sense. Are there any in particular that like you recommend or think that are, you know, reputable that are run by women or couples?

Oh, that’s a good question. I, I actually do have, I’m trying to think. There’s one lady called Shashi Soluna. Um, and she comes from the tantric and Tao school. So it’s Chinese and Indian traditions. So it’s a little bit of a mix, but I think she has great trainings. I really love her teachings. And then Monique Darling with Peter.

And I totally forgot his name. Um, she’s a lovely, like, um, um, a bigger woman with red hair. So if you ever find Monique Darling, uh, on Instagram, she’s really big now. So you’re going to recognize her. I love her energy. I really love her energy. And I think they also work with nudity, but like, I think they just have beautiful, beautiful energy.

Love it. Okay. Thank you. We’ll have to link to some of those in the show notes too. Um, so tell us a little bit about what do people tend to come to you for? Like what kind of issues do they show up with?

You know, probably similar to you, I would say. Um, yeah. So, so if I think of men. A lot of men who come to me, they have some issues around premature ejaculation. So basically we want to look on how they can last longer and through that have more confidence. I work with a lot of men who do struggle with approaching women.

So

Mm

Basically, these will be men with like softer energy, so they find it kind of difficult to break through different obstacles and approach a woman and, and like, just get a fair chance. So they got, they often either like stay away from women or get friend zoned. And I think today, you know, in our times, I do think this is quite a big deal.

big story for a lot of men, you know, energies have shifted.

I agree.

yeah, so I find this is, this is definitely an, a big, a big problem. Uh, then with couples, um, in most cases, I’ve recently been working with quite a few couples who welcomed a child. So they have like, like a small baby and this is when the issues are coming up a lot.

Um, so, I’ve guided really quite a few couples through that phase just to help them navigate it so they don’t move from lovers to just parents. So that’s, that’s a massive thing. Massive thing. Um,

I, I work with the peanut app and so it’s a lot of new moms and so I’m constantly getting, you know, questions about that. Like how do we get the spark back? Or, you know, it’s painful or I feel like I’m just, you know, my body is not my own and I’m like a milk machine. So I, I love that couples are even finding you during that phase.

Just the fact that they’re willing to prioritize it when it’s hard to prioritize is awesome.

I love it. And you know, there’s a, there’s a few couples I’ve worked with literally around this topic and like,

Yeah.

you know, now that I see them on social media, I’m just like, I’m so happy. I’m so happy because you know, when a child shows up, it’s, it really changes the dynamic.

Yeah,

And where are the, some of those couples, where they, where, when they came to me, it was like, if you guys don’t do anything about it within a year or two, you’re going to be, you’re going to be divorced and separated, like literally.

agree with you. It’s like that big of an issue and that you’re right That’s also who tends to come to me where it’s like, uh, We can’t go on this way as roommates or we’ve been avoiding even talking about it Sex has become kind of the elephant in the room and we don’t even know how to approach each other anymore.

Yeah. And I do get, um, I wonder if you also get this. I do get a lot of couples who maybe don’t have a child, but they, they, they moved in together and the dynamic change. Cause now it’s like, Very often it’s like the woman is telling him how I want things and you have to do things. And so, so they lose the, the romance and they lose the passion because it’s like a mother son dynamics.

I see a lot of couples stepping into this. Um, this is also very interesting. I think dynamic in our times, because we do have more like masculine or strong women. And a lot of men really are softer in their energy. So it’s so easy to fall into this, into this dynamic, but then you don’t want to have sex with each other.

And like a woman is angry at a man and man feels absolutely diminished and disempowered. That’s just not going to work. So this is another common dynamic that I see. Yeah.

Okay. And I, I would love to hear more about how you work with that, that one, because I agree with you. Like I see that so much. And I think also there’s, you know, some data that like women who are really successful and really well educated have a harder time finding a partner and, you know, I was just on Instagram and, uh, Wednesday, Martin was talking about a dating desert.

And it was this idea that like men are often not seen as having the emotional skills or the self awareness with their emotions or like kind of the communication skills, the sort of EQ, you know, the, if you will, um, And so a lot of women are staying single and so like, wow, this is really like a, I don’t know if epidemic is the right word.

That might be too dramatic, but it’s definitely a pattern, you know, that’s coming up a lot. So how do you, how do you work with that with people?

So I want to say first, I fully agree with you. And I think, I think first of all, You know, if we look at the global situation, what’s happening, we’re in interesting times because there’s a massive shift in the dating world. And anytime there is like a reform in anything, we think of like school reform or something, the generation that is going through this change ends up paying the price for this.

Cause we’re like the guinea pigs. It’s like, you know, the change is happening and we’re trying to figure things out. So I do want to say that, yes, we are in a bit of a tricky situation because we have. Totally released the gender roles, but as we can see without them, we don’t really know what to do.

People are lost and people actually miss them, but yeah, but we don’t want the old gender role. So we’re in this weird, funny space where we’re like, okay, so we don’t want that, but clearly without anything, it’s also doesn’t work. We want something just, we just don’t know what the something is. And so we’re kind of just hanging, trying to figure this out.

So when I work with couples in that dynamic, so on one hand, it’s about softening the woman and strengthening the men. So when it comes to women, um, You know, we are, and it’s true, cause I can look at myself. I’m pretty sure you have the same. I mean, you know, you’re a successful business woman, right? You have your own business.

You have a podcast, like all of the things that you do. So you are very capable. And when we are used to being capable, we’re like, okay, well, I want to be efficient in life. And then a man comes in and he makes things less efficient. And it can be really annoying. So,

I love that you’re using the word efficient because, like, I for sure have an efficiency part that’s like, no, we could be doing that faster now if there’s, like, a better route to that. We could put some systems in place.

so look, I’ll give you a couple of stories here just to kind of illustrate it. So first one is from one of my best friends and

Mm

she was going to therapy with her former partner and what the therapist told her is, you know, she’s like, you know, don’t solve everything for him. Like let

Mm

find the answer on his own.

And so then, so I meet with her and I’m like, so how is it going? And she’s like, Okay, so I don’t say anything. I give him time. He thinks one day, two days, three days. And guess what? He comes up, he comes up with the same thing that I came up three days ago. Um, but, but it illustrates the point is that what is more important?

Is it to be efficient or to have the relationship? So I’ll give you another, another example. I was staying with my parents recently, and my mom like opens the fridge and there is Like a bowl with a salad and it’s covered with a plate. And so she gets angry because she’s like, you should have covered this with foil because this plate can, you know, fall down and break.

Now my dad had his own logic. I think this also, as women, we have to understand. It’s not that men are stupid. Is that either it’s not important for them and they’re focusing on something more important. But I asked my dad, I was like, Hey, I’m just curious. Why did you choose to use the plate? And he said, well, because if I put the plate that you can put something on it.

So it wasn’t stupid of his, it’s just, he had a different idea. But my point was that to my mom, I was like, mom, listen, even if you’re right, and this plate

Mm hmm.

that broken plate is the price you pay to be in a relationship.

So

And I really love this example because so when I, when I work with women, that’s what I tell them.

You have to be okay with some plates getting broken. That’s it. That’s it. Because he’s going to do things the way you don’t like them. And guess what? Many times. Yeah, you’re right. What he does doesn’t make sense. Maybe it’s silly, it’s stupid and it’s gonna result in the plate falling down and breaking.

And you have to be okay with this. This is like, this is the price you have to, you know, you have to be okay paying to be in a

Right. You know, I think that’s a good way to look at it. And you need to also be getting enough benefits

Oh, absolutely. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

because it’s like, Hey, the good outweighs the broken plates by so much. And I mean, I also know, uh, you know, I’m, I’m a woman.

That doesn’t mean I know everything. And I know that I’m a pain in the butt in several ways too.

Yeah, me too, me too.

Yeah.

just like, and I catch myself. It’s so, so funny. Like, um, there was this one time when I moved in with my partner, like years ago, and I don’t think I have lived with someone before or not like properly lived with

Mhm.

And I just like realized that I’m like, Oh my God, I’m acting like a housewife, but it’s like the thing is, it wasn’t even that I was doing anything, but like, let’s say we’re sitting at a table and then he finished drinking his tea and I had this instinct of grabbing his cup and, and bringing it to the kitchen and I’m like, why am I even doing this?

Like, He didn’t ask me, you know, it’s like, so I, I’m, I was watching myself becoming, um, uh, a housekeeper, becoming a mother. I’m like, Whoa. And he never asked for that. It’s my instinct. So I think for women, we have to be mindful because, you know, we watched our mothers do certain things. And for many of us, our mothers were taking care of the house.

So that’s what we saw. And we unknowingly fall back into this pattern. So we have to be very mindful of that. Um, so that’s, that’s on the women’s part. That’s what, that’s what I do with women. Now with men, a big challenge for men in our times is to step up their inner fire.

Mm hmm.

are weak. and I, and I, like, I mean it like energetically, it’s a weak, soft energy.

Um, basically if you ask a man. If you have to go to war today, would you like, would you go into a fight for your family, risking your life? Would you? And a lot of men would say no, because they don’t have this energy anymore. We don’t have a collectively. So that’s where men need to kind of try to source it from within.

So this is where I help men connect to the inner warrior, that inner animal. And. And, and I’ll give you an example, because this is from like this tantric community. So I, I love the whole movement, what you also mentioned for men, that there’s more spaces for them to talk about emotions and open

Mm hmm.

So now we’re talking like, I don’t know, maybe six years ago.

And honestly, that little encounter was why I decided to work with men. So I had this guy and he was telling me one day, he’s like, Magda, It’s awesome that we have men’s circle and I can go there and I can say, you know, that, oh, I’m very jealous about this man and I feel sad and I feel insecure, but I cannot say that when I look at a woman, all I want to do is push her against the wall and fuck her.

Because that is not okay. So we have made it okay for a man to be emotional, to be feminine, but we have made it very not okay for him to be connected to this caveman and this inner animal. And so men started suppressing that energy. And the problem is that if you are, if you’re suppressing something that you don’t know how to manage this, what men need to do is get in touch with their own darkness, because this is when they can be in control of this darkness.

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, I love

Right. Yeah. Cause, cause, cause if you’re not, I will not trust you because this darkness eventually probably something will trigger it. It will come up and then you will not know how to control it so I can become a victim of this

Right. 100%.

that’s, so that’s what I do with men. And this is often a longer journey, but I really believe that bringing this energy back is super important for men.

Hmm.

You know, I have, I’ve had experiences where I’ll be on a date and we’re making out and it feels like he is losing control of his sexual energy. And I remember at one point being like, okay, I need you to stop, like, stop, stop, stop. And he was having a hard time stopping. And then we like had a discussion about it because this is who I am and I was like, no, I need you to be able to like, Control yourself and like manage yourself. And he’s like, I don’t know if I can. I was like, well, then that makes me feel unsafe, you know? And so, and I totally agree with you. Like one of the methods I use with people is called internal family systems. And we talk about this idea of like parts of ourselves that get exiled.

So these exiled parts could be what you’re talking about is like this primal sexual energy for men. Let’s just shove that down in like the dark basement corner of our psyche and like pretend it doesn’t exist. And it just doesn’t. Work like there’s consequences of that that are negative for everyone.

But, you know, if you can befriend that energy and play with that energy and manage it. It’s like, one, you probably get to express it a little bit more in a healthy way, and two, your partner feels safer.

Yeah. I love, I love that he used the word safe because it is really true. And another thing is just, you know, self mastery is one of the sexist characteristics in

Oh my God, so sexy. Totally agree.

if I meet a man and he cannot control his cravings, very unattractive, like if it’s cravings around food or anything else, right?

But if it’s also cravings around sex. Then I will never trust you because all you’re telling me is that if there is a woman in front of you and she likes you, you’ll be like, I don’t know how to say no.

Right.

know how to control myself.

The guy example I gave you, like, I did not see him again.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause like, like, like really men have to absolutely have to, or even must learn to manage their sexual energy and their sexual urges.

You have to be in control of your sexuality. Absolutely.

Right. And I, I think the other side of it, like the kind of flip side is so you get some men that don’t know how to manage it, but they’re, they at least know it’s there. And then you get other men, and I see this a lot with clients where they’re just like, and it’s like, I love them because they’re so caring, but they’re kind of like, Oh, I don’t want to be a creep.

I don’t want to make this woman feel uncomfortable. Like I don’t want to just like go hit on her. Like that’s like so weird these days. And so I’m kind of, like, it makes me sad for them. I’m like, how are you ever going to connect with someone and express that side of, you know, who you are if, you know, you’re so scared?

And I do think that people have almost taken some of the cultural messages around consent and the Me Too movement like too far. It’s like, it doesn’t mean you can’t be assertive. It doesn’t mean you can’t express interest. It just means respect boundaries, you know, and there’s a difference. There’s an important difference.

I’m with you on this one. So I do think we took things too far. And, you know, I even remember when, when Me Too started and I saw this post from, I didn’t know her personally, but she’s like a really big Tantra teacher. And she made a post saying, Why it’s not okay to tell a strange woman that she’s beautiful.

And I’m reading this thinking, what the fuck? No. What do you mean? It’s not okay because my views are totally opposite. It’s tell people like give them compliments. I give compliments to strangers. Like if

I do too.

and it’s a good. I’ll make sure it’s not creepy, you know, but like, but I think, look, if, if I think a man is attractive or a woman is attractive, I will tell her because we all have this incredible negative talk in our head where we question, Oh, am I pretty?

No one likes me. It’s like, let me make sure that you feel a bit better about yourself. So for me, that post and from like a big fate, like famous tantra teacher, that it’s not okay to give compliments to a woman you don’t know. I’m like, what are we doing? So I fully, fully understand men. But so here’s, um, here’s something I would recommend here.

So first of all, for men, I would say this, think about what type of dynamic you want with a woman.

Mm hmm.

Do you want a woman who’s going to get upset when you take charge? Right? If, if you are happy with the woman being more in charge, then okay, softer. But if you want to feel like you’re in charge and she’s like surrendering to you, then you have to show this dynamic from the beginning.

Like you should be worried about Uh, pushing away. the kind of a woman that you want to date and pushing away away a woman that you wouldn’t want to date because she has a problem with you like doing anything right and secondly it’s also about phrasing things um so so for example let’s say okay so if as a man like you find a woman very attractive and you’re kind of feeling more animalistic like how do you bridge these two words together so you can just come up to you and say it’s like hey listen like you know it’s like um I want to be respectful to you, but I just wanted to tell you you’re so damn sexy and I find it really hard to focus on anything else right now. So you, you can, you can pace it, right? It’s, it’s like,

Yeah,

here is, here’s the big, like a big difference.

yeah.

I can tell you I find you attractive and this is the end of the story or I can tell you I find you attractive And I can have an agenda that comes with it and usually if I have an agenda What people don’t realize is that energetically you’re actually reaching out to the person and we feel that you’re already in my space Even though like you have your hands next to your body

crucial what you just

Yes, so you have to practice a lot I always tell people just close your eyes for a second, visualize your energy and pull it back, pull it back into your body and then give a woman a compliment.

Then say, you’re so sexy.

Oh, I love that. I love that. And it’s, that’s a big part of, I love when different traditions merge. So that’s a big part of my work with internal family systems too, is like being in your higher consciousness, which we call self energy is. 1 of the ways, you know, is when you don’t have an agenda. So, like, if you have an agenda, you’re in 1 of your defense mechanisms or protect a protector parts or kind of ego based, um, elements.

And so I love that. It’s like, what if you’re just so secure in yourself that you can just. Give someone a compliment and not expect anything back.

Yeah.

So, so good. This is great, Magda. So then how does, how does all of this translate into sexuality? So like you’re working with a couple, you’re helping them get more aligned with like their energies and how they’re expressing their energies.

How does this translate into the bedroom?

So, you know, what you said at the very beginning, when you’re answering my question, we have all of these different defense mechanisms and all of

Mm

And of course, like sex is such in so intimate, so vulnerable. So if I don’t feel a hundred percent safe and open and confident, like, of course I don’t want to go there.

So all of these, you know, psychological mechanism are going to kick in and lower my libido and, oh, I suddenly have a headache and there’s always going to be issues.

right.

we got to work on all of these outside things so that I can actually feel safe. So my nervous system can feel safe so I can drop into my body.

So naturally, when you do this, you realize that just the libido, you know, comes back on its own in a way.

Mm

But I also will say that when it comes specifically to sex, here are a few things that I have seen, and I’ll be also curious about your input because that’s what you work with. So, first of all, um, In with many couples, the issue is that the woman doesn’t want to have sex.

And I always say this, think of your favorite food. Like, I don’t know, maybe it’s like strawberry ice cream, or maybe it’s an apple, whatever.

Mm

Do you ever eat it thinking, Oh my God, I really don’t want to eat it. Like, I don’t have to force you to do something you like, right? I don’t have to force you to do something you like.

So if a woman doesn’t want to have sex, it’s because she doesn’t get the sex that she wants. She simply doesn’t like the sex she’s getting. Now, men get confused by this because they’re like, Oh, but it used to be all fine. Yes, because at the beginning when you guys met, your hormones were so crazy. You guys couldn’t keep your hands off of each other.

So even bad sex is good sex, right? But once the routine settles in, this is when you realize that, Oh, The things we used to do, it’s actually not what she wants. And this is when now as like male partners, now you gotta have some skills to know what to do. And usually men lack the necessary skills to please a woman sexually.

So this is one of the big aspects is actually teaching the couple, like, and because often women also don’t know it, like we’re not really aware of this, right? So it’s, it’s about teaching couples what a woman really needs in bed. And what I find to be true is that when you open a woman sexually, Then men follows like, like she is, she’s the starting point because if a woman is having good sex and orgasm, men will have great sex the other way around.

That’s a necessary. You don’t really have this correlation. So, oh, I always start with a woman. I want to make sure that a woman is sexually pleased. Then we can add on, um, men. But the third thing is here that I, that I find very important is also you’ve got to prioritize this. And I, I don’t, I don’t know why people are so like.

resistant to the idea of scheduling sex. Now, to be fair, I’m a Virgo. I love scheduling everything in my life. So maybe I’m just, you know, Too far on the opposite spectrum of that. But think this is about anticipation. It’s not meant to be like, Oh my God, I have to like take my kid to school tomorrow morning.

It’s not this kind of a thing. You’re like, Ooh, okay. It’s like, you know, when you go out on a date with someone and you know, let’s say like, Oh, tomorrow night I have a date. I’m excited. I keep thinking about it. So why would this be any different in a relationship? You’re scheduling a date. You’re scheduling a date and yeah.

And it’s like, okay. So like for women think about it, Oh, let me get a new dress. Like, like one of the things I like telling people is, um, once a week, have an evening to yourself, which is just about passion, romance, and sex. And I didn’t get out of the house. If it means you book the hotel, you book the hotel, right?

So dressing up, you’re thinking what to do. And maybe this week a woman comes up with the idea. Next week, a man comes up with an idea and you always create it. So for me, I’m like, that’s amazing. It’s like when we plan things that are good, we’re excited about them. So

Yeah.

plan time for sex, because if you don’t, guess what?

You’re never going to have time. So this is how I

agree with you, especially when it’s, you know, I think there’s periods of time where it’s like early in a relationship and it’s just, you’re planning the dates anyways, um, where maybe you’re not specifically planning sex or, you know, maybe you don’t have kids and you have reasonable work schedules, but it’s like the second kids enter into the picture for sure, then I’m just like a very big proponent.

I’m like, you’re just not going to have it if you don’t plan. It’s like, you’re going to have to plan. Um, but. Yeah. So, okay. Can I ask you a different question now? Okay. So one of the things that I’m curious about with Tantra is, um, and I think different schools of Tantra maybe handle this differently is, you know, what about queer individuals and, you know, queer couples?

Cause it seems like there’s this kind of emphasis on masculine energy and feminine energy and kind of male, female dynamics. How does, how do these concepts apply in a queer relationship?

Yeah. That’s a really good question because when you look at Tantra and the teachings of Tantra, they are very, Men and a woman. They’re very very much heterosexual. And I

Mm-Hmm.

you know, what I’m observing is that a lot of tantra teachers are trying to be more inclusive. Um, and kind of learning how to navigate this.

Um, and I think so far we’re not doing the best job because it you can kind of say that it’s like you’re,

kind of

Yeah, it’s like you’re trying really hard.

Yeah. Yeah. It’s like, let’s keep trying.

So, so I’ll, for example, I’ll tell you for me, anytime I speak, I do talk about heterosexual couples, not because this is the only type is just that this is where my expertise is.

Now I work with all types of relationships. So in whatever format you come to me, we’re going to work with this. Um, and we’re going to like translate different topics, but I don’t, my, my my content is. More focused on heterosexual couples because that’s where my expertise and my education comes from and exactly.

I don’t want to be like, I don’t want to pretend to be an

Right.

I’m not. Um, but I, for example, I will tell you, I find it very interesting, um, looking at, for example, if I look at homosexual couples exactly. So how does this energy work? Because one of, one of the aspects, um, and I really love this conversation here.

It’s how, how energy flows through our chakras in a female and male body. And it’s opposite. So again, Tantra talks a lot about this union of masculine feminine that comes into oneness. So I’m actually curious, for example, if you have someone in a female body, But maybe you feel like more masculine or maybe altogether you’re like, Oh, I actually feel like I’m in the wrong body.

So I would be so curious for someone to do like some studies on energy and see what are this person has, like, this is called male flow of energy. Maybe, I don’t know, but I mean, you know, the science, Doesn’t even believe in chakras or in energy. So I don’t know when we potentially could do any more research on that, but I would be very curious to, to see that.

Is it that if I am in a female body, but like, I feel not really like I am a woman in whatever, you know, aspect I want to, I want to look at it. Is it that, Oh, maybe actually energetically, like I’m on the other side. Um, so I don’t have the answer. I really don’t have the answer. And, you know, a few years ago, I actually realized that it would be very interesting if I ever had an opportunity to work with a woman.

More with couples and individuals like this just to learn from them because I honestly don’t I don’t have the answers. I don’t have a lot of answers, but I will tell you this looking at my own personal experience. Here’s what I find a little bit. Um, so polarity.

Mm

I think it’s very important

Okay.

and I think it’s a tool. It’s not everything. And I, I, something I personally don’t like, it’s like you have some of these like polarity teachers and tantra teachers, like femininity coaches, and they all talk about like, just this massive polarity, like, I love being in my masculine.

I’m a fucking badass when I’m in my masculine, you know? So depending on the situation, I’m going to be in a different energy. And this idea that a man always needs to be the leader. It’s a bit silly. It’s like,

It is.

we’re humans. We’re co creating our life, you know? So, so I think you have to look at this polarity as a tool that you bring in mostly to increase desire and passion in your relationship, right?

That that’s where it really comes in handy. So. regardless of like your, you know, your relationship and how it feels and the dynamics, you can always bring that in. Um, but basically what I also have been exploring like through, so I’m basically, um, um, I don’t know this cause I was also, I got a lot of hate from, uh, from lesbian community.

So I think I cannot say that I’m bisexual. I think I have to say I am bi curious, whatever. I, I, I hate

I think you get to, I have a whole episode called, Am I Queer? Are You Queer? And it’s basically about how the words always fall short.

Yeah. It’s just, it’s, it’s ridiculous. But when I was just trying to understand this, so it’s like, okay, if I think of my desire towards men and women, it feels so different. Like with a man, I want to be taken, like literally take me like a caveman. With women, it’s different. And there is also this dynamic. I like some more intense energy, but just with women, it’s like, it’s the sense of familiarity that we are more similar.

That makes me want to drop into intimacy. And with men, it’s the opposition, the polarity

Mm hmm.

into intimacy. So it’s just a different experience. And that’s what I said at the beginning. I think we’re all very sexual and it’s the more in touch you are with your sexuality, the less you’ll be defining yourself through a specific label.

Um, you’re just going to be like, I’m open to life because sexuality is a liveness, right?

that. Yeah.

is the life. Like your sexual energy is your life force energy. So the more I am open for life, the more sexual I will be in general, not just the Through sex,

Couldn’t agree more.

yes. I just think we’ve got to expand our mindset and stuff.

I think, you know what, we’re trying to fix the issue of boxes by creating more boxes, but it’s still a box. That’s I

It’s still a box. I couldn’t agree more. That’s basically what I say in my episode about Am I queer? Are you queer? Because

got to listen to this one.

That’s like the further you follow those words down, you realize they kind of fall apart. It’s like you could just not encapsulate a human with a box, you know?

So um, they can be helpful as starting points, especially when you’re like meeting someone new. But, you know, then I think it, it tends to fall apart and you just need to really get to know the individual in front of you. So that’s my two cents on that. Sounds like you’re on the same page. Yeah. Mhm.

that at the beginning, when we’re finding out about who we are, having labels is helpful because it allows us to kind of like, understand where do I fit? But it has to follow, um, like it has to go into the next stage, which is letting go of the labels.

You have to let go at all the labels. Labels are very, very dangerous. So use it at the beginning. It’s sort of like when you learn to ride a bicycle, you have these extra little wheels. That’s the label. But then you gotta keep going without the labels.

that’s a great analogy. The training wheels. I love

Oh, that’s how you call them in English.

I got you.

This has been an awesome conversation. I’m so grateful that you came on the show today. Um, so if other people are kind of vibing with you and they want to know more about what you do or where to find you, uh, where should they go?

So you can search Magda K, it’s K A Y, um, anywhere online, uh, you’re going to find my YouTube channel. This is the main place. Where I share content. So I’d love for you guys to connect with

We’ll link to it in the show notes

Amazing. Thank you. My Instagram is also a very active space. So these two, and then of course my website, MagdaK.

com, where you can learn more about me, all the services that I offer. I have a book, um, some free resources as well. So you’re going to find a lot of things. So yeah, just, just Google my name. Bear in mind, apparently there’s quite a famous DJ with the exact same name as mine.

okay.

So I, I’m not a DJ. Not that I’m aware of. So anything that is not about music under Magda K, that’s gonna be me.

going to be here. Okay. And that’s why we’ll link to it. So you make sure you get the right mag decay, definitely go take advantage of her freebies. I feel like as, you know, creators, we’re like making all this great free stuff. And I just feel like people need to take advantage of that more. So, um, thank you for sharing your wisdom and your experience with us.

This has been awesome. Um, and everybody listening, I will catch you next Monday. Bye everybody.

Bye!

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