Hello, my loves. I am excited to have another listener Q and a episode. These are some of my favorites. Um, and a reminder, if you want to submit questions for future episodes, you can do that on my website if you want to be super duper anonymous. Um, so that’s Heather Shannon. co and you’re just going to click on the tab where it says work with me.

And then underneath there, it’ll say, ask a sex question. So those are entirely anonymous. I cannot. reply to you. I have no idea who sent it. Um, I cannot ask for clarification. So make sure you put in enough detail that I have a little bit of context. Um, but ideally not so much that it’s a novel. Um, and then the other place to be.

Uh, newer place to be is on my Instagram channel. I have a broadcast channel now and it’s going to be pretty podcast focused. So my Instagram is at ask a sex therapist. You can go find me there. Um, And the broadcast channel, we have about 80 people in there so far. It’s been fun. So I’ll, I’ll do polls in there.

I’ll ask for suggestions for future episode topics. Um, I asked people for questions for this episode, so that’ll kind of be the first place I go when I’m doing a listener Q and a episode. So join me over there. And then last announcement is to get on the email list cause I have some fun stuff coming up.

So, um, So same thing, you can go to my website, heathershannon. co and click on the freebies tab. And basically all you have to do to get on the email list is pick a free gift. That’s kind of fun. Right? So I have a dirty talk guide over there. I have, uh, like kink personas to explore. Um, I have a healthy sex, uh, sexual boundaries checklist.

Um, especially if you’re an M. Empath or sensitive to energy, that could be a very important one for you. So yeah, so grab one of those, get on the email list because I have, um, a fun and transformative, uh, workshop coming up. And we’re gonna open up registration in the next. Couple weeks, it’s a collab, uh, with Pearl Noir actually, who is my first ever guest on this podcast.

So, uh, if you haven’t checked out that episode, you can go back and check out episode 16. Um, Pearl’s great and has become a friend, and, um, excited to, uh, collaborate with her. It’s gonna be pretty amazing. So make sure you’re on the email list. Alright, so now we’re gonna get into some questions and we have some interesting questions today.

You guys. Okay. So the first one is from somebody who said that she caught her husband sexting with someone. And basically this was a situation, I’m paraphrasing this one cause it was a very wordy question, but, um, she was kind of like, you know, I don’t love if he watches porn, but like, it’s. It’s whatever, you know, if I don’t like know about it when he’s doing it, fine.

But then when it gets to more interactive stuff with, you know, cam girls or other people he’s meeting online, it feels like cheating. And so she just mentioned that she felt hurt, um, and that it did feel like cheating. And so this, this reminded me also of a client I’ve worked with in the past who was in a similar situation.

Um, Most people in monogamous relationships don’t define their monogamy with this level of detail. And so if you’re listening to this, Let the podcast be your excuse. Hey babe, I was listening to this podcast and they were talking about defining your monogamy. Let’s chat. Um, but I, I do think it’s helpful.

Like what is your agreement? You know, is it like, cool, watch all the porn you want? Or is it like, nope, neither of us is going to watch porn or we’ll watch porn if it’s together or, um, you know, and I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here, but I think it’s about being authentic and the conversation about, what your boundaries are.

You know, so are your boundaries, you know, flexible? Is it kind of like, Hey, I don’t care is, you know, we have an open relationship. Great. Or maybe we’re curious to try an open relationship and we start with something where it is a professional online because that feels less threatening to the relationship.

Um, or we keep it to online only because, you know, we get our adventurous side out. That way, but we’re not risking, you know, pregnancy or STIs or anything like that. So there’s, there’s so many different agreements you can come to. Um, you can also decide, you know, just no porn period. We want to save our sexual energy for each other and really keep it, you know, connective and hot and spicy between the two of us.

And we’re willing to invest the time and effort and energy that it takes to do that. So. That’s my answer. You know, the gist of it. Um, now what do you do though? If something like this has already happened, I think you also have to have a conversation and. It’s okay to say, like, I feel really hurt. This felt like a betrayal.

This felt like cheating to me. Um, and I would also acknowledge, you know, I realized we haven’t really defined this. And, um, is this something that feels like a need for you? Uh, what, what are you getting from this? And I think an important part of these conversations, because, you know, if you’re on the receiving end of this, you’re probably going to feel like.

Oh God, I got caught. Right? And chances are like all your muscle tense up and you’re kind of frozen and you’re kind of like, Oh shit, I can’t get into more trouble. Or, you know, is this a relationship ending conversation? And so I do think it’s helpful. You guys have probably heard me say this all the time.

If you listen to kind of like set some ground rules almost of like, Hey, can we have a conversation? Um, you know, I want you to be able to be fully honest and authentic with me. Um, I want to be able to work through this with you. Uh, I want to understand you better. So I think when you state some of your positive intentions, um, and maybe say, okay, let’s have this be a judgment free zone where we can just, you know, both say how we’re really feeling, um, that can be helpful.

And I think it can lead to way better outcomes and it can also turn the dial down on the The fear and the intensity and maybe some of the defensiveness. Cause when we get really defensive, it’s harder to be really vulnerable and honest. Right. Um, and that can even be an intention. Like, can we kind of go a layer deeper than the anger?

And the defensiveness and just say the vulnerable part, you know, and maybe somebody is turning to, you know, sexting with strangers online or cam girls or, um, porn that is more interactive because they want to feel wanted or maybe they didn’t have a ton of sexual experience or maybe there’s some fantasies.

They don’t feel like they’re, they can share with their partner because they’re going to be judged or their partner won’t want to do them. And so, I look at these conversations as being hard. Yeah. But also is there an opportunity for more intimacy? You know, is there an opportunity to be more honest and to know each other better and to understand each other better and to create a new dynamic where there can be more open and authentic communication around sex?

I hope that helps. Okay. All right. The next one. This is kind of interesting. So this one is about intrusive sexual thoughts. So this woman writes that she started dreaming about her husband having sex with a beautiful curvy woman and woke up horny. And then she asked, why would I be turned on about seeing my husband having great sex with another woman?

And then she says the fantasy escalated to seeing him with two or three different women. And then she started looking at porn like this. And she felt disgusted, but also wishing that her and her husband could have, you know, really hot sex like this. And she said, I’m trying to stop thinking about it and looking up the porn, but all sorts of crazy thoughts come into my head.

So I wanted to include this question because I think this is so real. You know, this idea that. We can be really turned on by something and also kind of disgusted with ourselves or like shocked with ourselves. Um, or, you know, I think of the phrase shame boner, you know, it’s like we might feel shame about this interest, but still turned on and.

You know, using sort of an internal family systems parts perspective, this can make sense, right? It’s like, as humans, we are so complex and we can have two very different feelings or opposing feelings at the same time. And it’s kind of a wild ride. It’s part of the wild ride of being human, you know? Um, so there could be a part that feels, you know, shame.

Um, like what is wrong with me? Why am I into this? Why am I turned on by this? And then there can be a part that is just really turned on and having a great time, right? And we can unpack that. That’s work that we can kind of do, you know, with a sex therapist. Um, and it’s also just something we can take time to understand for ourselves and to be curious about.

So if you can get into a place of curiosity instead of judgment, that’s super, super helpful in getting to understand yourself and your sexuality better. Um, And so you can look at that shame piece and think like, okay, like, where is the shame coming from? Is this coming from what I was taught about sex?

What I was taught is okay. Or the fact that this fantasy feels so far outside the quote unquote norm of what I was taught is okay. Um, you know, the part that was enjoying it, why was it enjoying it? Is it because, Ooh, because it’s not okay, because it’s taboo, because it feels inappropriate, right? Um, that’s Is one of the, the four cornerstones of eroticism is something that feels taboo.

Um, and if you want to read more about that, you can check out, uh, the erotic mind by Jack Morin. Uh, he’s passed away, but I think it was just so far ahead of his time. So it was kind of, kind of a cool book to help you understand. You know, why we find certain things erotic and like, what are the psychological aspects?

So I think the more we inform ourselves and educate ourselves about like, Oh, this is really normal. Like there’s a book about how taboo things tend to turn us on. I also think sex allows us to kind of play with shadow sides. You know, I think there’s so many human. Instincts that we try to suppress because we’re being civilized, which is important because we need belonging.

And I think there’s an aspect of sex that’s special because we can sometimes put away some of the more like polite, civilized aspects and play with some of the aspects that we normally are not allowed to, um, and to even then derive pleasure from some of those. So, yes, educate yourself. And then the other piece that I’m hearing here is something that we would call intrusive thoughts.

So, when you’re not wanting to have a thought, but it keeps popping in your head, and this can be part of OCD. So, it could be part of, you know, an actual mental illness, in which case, you know, if it starts interfering with your life, go get some help for that, please. Um, but a couple of things I’ve noticed.

And I use this metaphor a lot, but it’s kind of like Chinese finger torture. Um, so it’s like your fingers is stuck in there and it’s like the harder you try to pull it out, the more you try not to have the thought, the more you’re stuck. And so it’s, it’s through acceptance and patience and putting space around it and moving slowly that we can kind of let go of it.

Um, but it’s almost like the more. We’re worrying about having a fantasy that’s disturbing. It’s almost like it’s defining us more. We’re attaching to it more. And how do we let go? We let go by just not defining ourselves based on that anymore. And, and kind of taking more of an expansive view, right? So like OCD and intrusive thoughts are on the anxiety spectrum.

And anxiety is often caused when we have blinders on. And so it’s like, instead of seeing the whole like pie chart of what our life is, it’s kind of like, we take this little sliver of the pie chart and we just like put these blinders on and like only focus. On that tiny little sliver and like make it mean everything, right?

And so when we take away that meaning, when we kind of take the blinders off, when we see, you know, our whole big life and the whole big world out there, that can be really helpful for letting go of some of these thoughts. The other thing I would say is like sometimes like my brain, for example, will just do a thought loop, right?

And it’s like, Instead of me getting fully sucked into that thought loop, you know, whether it’s an intrusive fantasy or whether it’s stress over a relationship conflict or whether it’s really whatever it is, um, I can just observe my brain doing the thought loop and not be fully sucked into it. So it could be like, okay, this is just a thing my brain does sometimes, you know, I know it’s not like super helpful or factual.

So I’m going to go ahead and like, yeah. Focus as much attention as I can elsewhere, but I’m also not going to condemn myself for having this thought loop and know that that is also fully human and that it will pass in time. So I think that it’s important to bring some compassion to yourself as well.

Question number three. Um, so somebody asked, how does one open about talking to the partner about fantasies and it? Okay. I thought this one’s great and kind of dovetails off the last question, too. So, if you have a fantasy that’s maybe not vanilla or not something that everyone would be into, let’s just start by acknowledging that is vulnerable to share, right?

There can be a fear of rejection. There can be a fear of someone telling you that that’s weird or that you’re weird or like what that’s crazy or like you never would actually want to do that. Right? Um, so it’s vulnerable. And I think again, you start with what, what’s my intention in sharing this? So you probably have to reflect.

With yourself before you even broach the conversation. So if I was going to share a fantasy with a partner, I’d be sharing it. Cause I hope we can do it. Right. Or. Or maybe it’s one that you don’t want to do. I think there’s also fantasies that are fun to play with just in your mind and psychologically.

And you can even bring them into the bedroom and bring them into your relationship just on the mental level. So I think that’s important to realize too. Um, people might want to play with the idea of having an audience or people might want to talk about, you know, a cuckold fantasy. That doesn’t mean you necessarily have to.

Necessarily want to act on them. And so I think that’s important to remember too. So maybe it’s to act on it. Maybe it’s just so your partner knows this part of you and you want to feel accepted and you wanna know that this relationship is a safe space to be able to really share anything. Is it reflect on that?

Figure out what, what is it that you’re hoping for by bringing up this fantasy? Um, and maybe you even wanna know some of your partner’s fantasies. Maybe it’s just like, let’s just open up a conversation. Right. And I can learn more about them too. So start with that and then share that intention. So I would start the conversation, you know, by saying, Hey, so I had this interesting fantasy recently and I want to share it with you.

And then you could be a little vulnerable and say, but I am nervous that, you know, you might not be into it or that you might think it’s weird. And so then hopefully you have a nice partner. That’s important to, uh, pick nice partners. Um, and hopefully they’re like, Oh, okay, well, you know, I’m open to hearing whatever.

You could be like, okay, can you just promise, you know, not to laugh at me or, you know, even if you’re not into it, can you just kind of like hear me out or just like be, be kind of accepting about it, you know, so like ask the person for what you want and need, um, in terms of their reaction, uh, and then the other piece is you do need to prepare yourself just because they’re nice doesn’t mean they’re going to be into it.

So, yeah. I think that it is reasonable to expect someone to have a kind reaction. I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect another human to be into everything that you’re into. And so just knowing that, it’s like just because you bring this up doesn’t mean you’re going to get exactly what you want. And the other piece I would say is, depending on, you know, how Sort of out there this fantasy might feel to your partner.

It might just take them some time to come around to it, you know Everyone has different conditioning when it comes to sex and when it comes to fantasies, and so if your partner You know, maybe grew up more conservative or still has some, you know, sexual shame to work through of their own Just know that like that might take them some time and that you can be a supportive part of that But yeah, don’t expect this need to be or this desire.

It’s probably not really a need, but don’t expect this desire to be met instantly. So I hope that that. Makes sense, but I think it’s great to have the conversations and I think it’s great to open the door to these fantasies because of all of the Emotional and psychological intimacy that it can bring even if the physical intimacy that you’re looking for doesn’t work out.

Exactly And I would also say if you’re on the receiving end of a fantasy like this notice if it’s sort of a Yes, no, or maybe for you So a yes might feel like, Ooh, like I’m turned on just hearing about that or Ooh, that’s exciting. Um, uh, maybe it might feel like, okay, I’m like a little uncomfortable, but I’m a little intrigued.

Okay. Um, the door’s not closed on this. And I know might just feel like, Oh no, like that feels, you know, either unsafe or triggering or something. Not good. Pops up for you. And so notice how your body responds. And I would encourage you if it’s a maybe to be open, um, and to maybe negotiate how can it become more of a yes.

Like what conditions would need to be met for it to become more of a yes for you. Um, because I think, I think some of the best things happen when we explore those maybes. All right. Um, okay, this question I’m going to address very briefly. Um, so next question is how to protect myself from STDs if I don’t have a specific partner.

So I’m actually going to do a whole episode on this. I’m roping my primary care physician assistant. Um, but I actually, I actually learned some new things from him about this topic. So, um, and he’s a lot of fun. All right. And then last question of the episode, women approach me constantly, but how can I become more confident approaching women?

So some of you might be rolling your eyes like, okay, seriously, is this a problem? But it is, it is a problem for some people. Um, And I think there’s a very, uh, and this, this was a man who asked this, there’s a very specific segment of men, I think, who are, um, attractive, athletic, but like very kind and approachable and warm and like non judgy and make women feel safe.

And I’ve witnessed this with one of my guy friends were like, women are just constantly telling him how attractive he is and if they were his age or like, oh, wow, well, you know, just like right in front of me, I was like witnessing this. And so I, I know that this is a thing. Um, And, you know, it’s neither good nor bad.

I would say I appreciate it. First of all, I say I appreciate that women are approaching you. Um, but I, I get it on the other hand, that there’s a confidence in being able to approach someone else, regardless of gender, right? There’s this, um, kind of like, Oh, it’s a little fun. It’s a little exciting. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

Um, I feel secure enough in myself and that feels good. I feel like I’m showing up and going after my own desires and like that could be really empowering. Um, And so my thought is it’s, it’s much like sex, um, in the sense that like, there’s levels, right? So it’s like, you don’t just jump right into intercourse.

It’s like, there’s a warmup period. And I think it’s the same thing with approaching someone. Um, I don’t love the idea of being really intentional to like approach someone and hit on them. Um, I don’t think that’s comfortable, super comfortable for either party, but. I think we censor ourselves so much and I think this is really an opportunity to censor yourself less.

So maybe you see someone at a coffee shop and you’re just like, Oh my God, that girl’s so cute. Or like, I love her sense of style. Or I love like, Oh, it looks like she’s reading this like cool bug. I love that she’s actually reading a paper book. Just say those things, you know, it’s like the chances are those thoughts are there, you know, in your head.

And when we give someone compliments, it tends to make their day. Right. And also when, when we just give the compliment or when we just say something friendly, even. Or even ask them a question. It could even just be like, Hey, do you know what time this place closes? Um, and maybe they’re like, Oh, you know, I’m not sure.

And you’re like, okay. Uh, you just looked like you knew what was up or, you know, you could just start a conversation without too much of an agenda except for connecting and being open. So that, that would be my encouragement is censor yourself less. And maybe that even just starts with noticing where are you censoring yourself?

And I think all of us. with compliments, actually. We think compliments more than we say them. And I’m like, what if we all just said them? Like, wouldn’t the world be a better place? Um, so if you look at it that way, if you look at it like, this is me putting some good energy out into the universe. Uh, I think it could come a lot easier to kind of, open up conversations and to give strangers compliments.

Um, I think it’s important to be respectful with the compliments. And this is kind of what I mean about not having an agenda. So if it’s like, I’m trying to get this girl’s number or something like that, um, instead of doing that, just to kind of be like, Hey, you have a great energy or, you know, I love, uh, I don’t know.

I love your singing. Who knows? It depends where you meet the person, right? But just, like, say the nice thing, um, and let it go, and know this person might be married, this person might be in a monogamous relationship, this person might be ethically non monogamous, and you are monogamous. I mean, there’s so many reasons why it might not work, and so if we’re going in with this agenda that we want this person to date us.

It’s just, I think a bit too anxiety provoking. So kind of like I said before with the other question, um, it’s like putting those blinders on that create the anxiety of like, I have this one objective and this one outcome. It’s like, what if there’s 10 different outcomes? What if you make someone laugh?

What if you make someone smile? What if you give someone a little confidence boost that day? Um, what if you restore their faith in humanity? And yes, maybe you exchange numbers and go on a date, but there’s, there’s a lot of positive outcomes there. So kind of expand your mind about that. Quit censoring yourself.

Um, I think the other piece is, um, do it with all people, you know, I think when, when we only are friendly or complimentary with people that we find sexually attractive, it can feel like more pressure. But when this just becomes our way of life and our way of relating, Um, then we’re not even really thinking about their attractiveness as much.

So it can help to start with people that you don’t find as attractive and that you don’t have that sort of agenda with. Um, and it can also help to notice when you have the agenda and to let go of that. Uh, but generally speaking, I would say you want to start out with something that’s just friendly, that it’s not sexual, it’s not quote unquote hitting on someone.

It’s just kind and friendly and connective. Um, You know, I, uh, I know that there’s a lot of like pickup artistry and stuff like that. That’s not my recommendation. You know, I think, and I’ve mentioned this in a previous episode, I know, but you know, my mom is like this, it’s like, she’ll be in the line at Starbucks and like leave with a new friend, you know, or I think when she first moved to the city, she’d like, go have dinner at a, like a local bar and like sit at the bar and then like make a new friend.

Um, And it’s just because she’s chatty and curious about people and likes connecting and will make those comments and not censor herself, right? It’s like, um, she’s, she’s not trying to hit on people. And so I think it’s just that openness that can be really helpful. And the other piece is, you know, when we struggle with this, we tend to be kind of self conscious.

Um, we tend to be focused more on the rejection. And I think it’s almost like public speaking a little bit. It’s like when we get out of our own head and quit making it about us and focus more on the other person, that can be really helpful. So those, that’s my advice. I hope that that helps. Thank you guys so much for your questions.

Don’t forget to submit them. Um, on my website, heathershannon. co and then just go to work with me, ask a sex question or join my Instagram broadcast channel. So thank you guys so much and I will catch you next Monday.