Hello everybody, happy Monday if you’re listening on our release day And I hope you’re having an awesome day whenever you’re listening Um, so i’m excited to talk to you guys about a topic that comes up a ton in my work Um, it’s I think it’s a really core topic and that is initiating sex. Um, and so I want to give you guys a few reminders before we launch into it.

Um, first of all, don’t forget to hit the follow button to follow the show. We have some really amazing guests. It’s coming up that you won’t want to miss, um, including Damona Hoffman, who is the love expert from the Drew Barrymore show. We have Dr. Kelly Casperson, a urologist who hosts the, you are not broken podcast coming.

Uh, she’s going to be talking to us about. hormones and menopause, which is super, super needed. And then we also have, um, a surrogate partner. Uh, Catherine Eagle, uh, is coming and I’ve worked with Catherine on a mutual client before and we just got some ready recorded it. You just, you’re just having to wait, but I already know how great these are.

Um, so yeah, so make sure you’re following the show if you’re not already. Um, and it also helps us, uh, hit the charts and get discovered by more and more people. So, Thank you guys in advance for that. Um, I also want to remind you that the show notes I am like a resource queen. I am putting so many resources in the show notes.

So if you like an episode, every single set of show notes is going to have two or three similar episodes that you might also like. So it’ll kind of tell you where to go next. You can hop around easily. Um, And I want to call attention in particular to a new link that I’m including in all the show notes.

And that is the link to ask your anonymous sex questions. I want to be hearing from you. Um, if you want to put your name and contact info in there, you can, um, I might reply to you. Um, I might even see if you want to come on the show and get your question answered. Um, and if you don’t want to put your name or contact info, that’s fine.

Totally fine. I’m still going to be answering like 95 percent of the questions, um, that come in on our listener Q and a episodes. And you might even inspire me to create a whole episode on a certain topic. So if you, uh, if you do submit that, you might get your own episode. So yeah, don’t forget about that link.

Um, Um, but okay, let’s kick off the initiating topic because I’m going to start with a really cringe story, thus the uncomfortable giggling. Um, okay. So I was in a long term relationship a while back. Hope this person is not listening. I doubt that he is. I hope no one who knows him is listening, but, um, yeah, so we were, we were dating for a while.

And you know, at the beginning it was just kind of like, Hot and heavy, like most relationships are, and at some point along the way, he started developing, um, I can’t even believe I’m saying this kind of, um, he started developing this unique approach, um, to initiating sex. And basically he would come up behind me and he was being like jokey and playful, I guess.

And he would put his flaccid penis like in the back of my pants and be like, do you want me to stick it in you? And I would just laugh and be like, uh, what is happening? And so it’s like, yeah, he’s trying to be funny, but I think he was also serious. And this is why the world needs to talk about initiating you guys.

Okay. Um, Because sometimes people just think like, Oh, I’m just going to like come up behind this person and kind of like thrust a little and like laugh and think that that’s like their hint that I’m in the mood and you know, it’s just not going to work. It’s just not going to work people. Um, and if it is working, it’s because your partner likes you and is like, it’s working.

Spite of your approach. Um, not because of it. So yeah. And I also wanted to share some of what I see with my clients. Um, and, and by, there is some funny content on this, on social media. Um, I think, uh, Vanessa and Xander Marin did in ep, an episode on initiating. They’ve got. Really funny Instagram content.

You can check that out. But, um, you know, I think, I think one of theirs was like a breast honk, like Hong Kong, and it’s like, this is not, this is not initiating. Um, you know, and I, and I think part of it, like I’m laughing, but part of it, I think also just speaks to like our discomfort around just like actually.

Expressing genuine sexual desire, and if you didn’t catch it, I recently did an episode on vulnerability. I was like, get vulnerable, get laid was the name of, of that episode. So that one was two episodes ago, number 67. So we’ll link to that in the show notes too. Um, But yeah, you have to be vulnerable, you know, if you’re kind of like, Hey, I’m in the moon.

I don’t know if my partner is and you know, how do I express that? And, um, I don’t want to get rejected or turned down. And so I think it can be easy to be kind of like jokey about it. And maybe there’s a jokey way to do it. That’s also effective. Um, but I, you know, my suspicion is that we have a part that’s coming up.

That’s kind of like, I don’t want to be vulnerable. I’m just going to be a goofball. And then if I get rejected, I can just play it off like it was a joke, you know? Um, And so if you’re not super comfortable being vulnerable, that’s something to practice, right? Like, read your, read your Brene Brown books, listen to episode 67, um, you know, you’ll get there.

So let’s talk about a few of the patterns I see with my clients. They’re not as cringe as my, as my personal story for today. Um, Um, but part of it, you know, what I see with people is lack of clarity in their approach. And that could be a space where people go wrong. Um, that could look like, and I, you know, I’ve mentioned this in previous episodes, I think too, is like, that could look like.

Oh, well, I was kind of flirty or I wore a sexy outfit that day, you know, or I wear my tight jeans that show off my butt, you know, um, where we think that that’s enough to send a signal and. Well, your partner might think, you know, Oh, you look great today. Like I appreciate the effort you put into your appearance.

Um, or they might feel like, Oh, I’m liking the flirtatious energy. That feels nice. Um, it might not be enough for them to know like, Oh, like you want to get it on now. Okay. Um, and so sometimes we have to, uh, be more clear. Um, and there’s a lot of ways to be clear, so we’ll get into that. Um, the other thing is the type of approach could be wrong.

So sometimes we have a tendency to think that everyone is like our past partner or everyone’s like us, you know, and what works for us or what works for whoever we were with in the past is going to work for the person we’re with now. And it’s just not the case, right? Um, and so our approach could be kind of outdated.

In that sense, or it could just be kind of ineffective. So some people really want a verbal approach. They’re like, yes, that clarity is everything. I want to know that you want to have sex with me. I want to know what time you want to have sex with me. I want to block it out of my calendar. I want to like mentally prepare myself and like get in the mood.

There’s other people who really love spontaneity and kind of want to be caught by surprise. Um, there are other people who really don’t want it to be verbal and they really want it to be physical. On average, um, you know, some of the research I found on this is that most people prefer physical approach and the number one, uh, way to initiate was kissing on the neck.

So if you’re like, not sure where to start, that could be a good place. But my next point is going to be talking about communication, so we’ll get there. Um, but the other place I see people go wrong is that the timing could be wrong. You know, like somebody could be in the middle of, um, taking care of the kids, and maybe you, like, smack them on the butt, and they’re kind of like, Not the time, you know, um, or it could be they’re at their desk and you, you know, come up and kiss them passionately and they’re kind of like, I almost like shell shocked.

Like I just was what? Like I wasn’t even in that zone. Like I’m just, you know, not there. So a lot of us have different modes. And if we’re not really in the right mode, um, the timing for a specific type of approach could be wrong. So then it’s like, okay, what do we do? Because so far I’ve told you about all the ways people go wrong.

Um, there’s many, many ways to go right, but that’s where the communication comes in, right? What do we want to do instead of being goofy, being giggly about it, um, you know, not being clear, whatever, communicate. Ask, ask our partner, Hey, here’s how, like, I know, here’s what I normally do. Like, does that work for you?

Or like, what would be your ideal way for me to initiate? Use this podcast as an excuse. Hey, I was listening to this lady, Heather on a podcast. She was saying to ask this question, what do you think? Um, you know, this could be a great episode to share with your partner to kind of initiate that conversation.

Um, And I just say that because I know a lot of times people have a hard time bringing up these types of topics like apropos of nothing. Um, I’m a little ADHD, so I’m used to just digressing and randomly bringing up whatever is on my mind. Um, if you’re not somebody who is neurodivergent and a little ADHD, um, then you know, maybe you could borrow a chapter from our book and just be like, you know what, I get to bring up whatever I want to bring up just because I want to.

Um, But find a decent time, you know, if somebody’s having like a super stressful day, um, or they’re just feeling quieter, or you can tell they’re just feeling like, um, less confident, that might not be the best day to bring it up, right? So there, there is such a thing as waiting for a good enough time. What I want Um, and you conscious of is don’t wait for a perfect time.

You know, that’s something that I hear so often from people like, Oh, I was just trying to find a good time. And it’s like, you just gotta go with good enough. Right. Just make sure it’s not a bad time basically. Um, because life is busy and if you’re working and if you have, you know, kids or other obligations or even hobbies or volunteering, other things you’re invested in.

You know, a lot of us have really full lives, which is a wonderful thing and kind of a thing to celebrate, but it’s like if we have these full kind of busy lives and then on top of it, we’re trying to like wait for this perfect time, it might just not happen. You know, maybe you and your partner travel a lot and it might need to be a phone conversation.

So I just want to toss that out there. Another thing that people tend to struggle with, with the communication is they don’t want to rock the boat. It might be like, okay, like things have not been, you know, super great lately and we’re finally having a good time together. And I’m like, I just want to have fun and I don’t want to bring up anything serious.

So if that’s the case. I would challenge you, you know, because I think talking about sex is fun. That’s probably part of why I do it for a living and have this podcast. Um, but what if it was fun? What if it was an awesome conversation? There was like connective and bonding and, you know, a lot of our partners.

would appreciate us being curious about them, you know, and I talk a lot about internal family systems and self energy and one of the qualities of self energy is curiosity and it’s not the kind of curiosity that’s like must know the answer. It’s like this intense thing or like, you know, well, why did you do this and why did you do that?

You know, we’re like interrogating someone. It’s like a gentle curiosity. It’s really this sense of like, there’s an open space and like, who knows what’s going to come up and like, that’s kind of cool and interesting, huh? So you can kind of picture that spaciousness and, and it can be really fun to play with this idea that 30 years.

You don’t know everything about them, you know, and I think that’s one of the fun things. And I think that’s the thing that we can easily forget in longterm relationships. So just bringing some of that curiosity there can be super appreciated and super connective and it could get kind of sexy too. Um, so that is one suggestion.

And then the other piece, I think, where we can get a little bit stuck, um, you know, on this topic of initiating, but also just sexual communication in general, especially if you’ve been with someone for a while, is feeling like, Oh, how do I not know this? I can’t even ask this because I feel like I should know this, or this is like embarrassing that I don’t know this, or, you know, it’s playing into my sexual insecurities that I don’t have these answers already.

Um, You’re never going to get the answers if you don’t bring it up. Right. And I wouldn’t be doing this topic on the podcast if everybody already had these answers. So maybe just remind yourself you’re in good company. You know, most people get naked and put their body parts in each other without talking about things, which I find very peculiar yet.

I think it’s the most common path. Um, So, yeah, uh, bring it up, bring it up. Don’t be shy. See, and I think once you get a little bit of experience with bringing things up and seeing that it’s well received when you’re coming from a place of genuine interest in your partner and, and wanting to please them and that gentle curiosity, um, when you’re coming from that energy, chances are.

It’s going to be well received, especially if you’re choosing a good enough time. Um, if you’re not sure if it’s a good enough time, you know, especially if you’re somebody who maybe struggles to kind of read some of those social cues sometimes, just ask. You know, like, hey, how you feeling today? How was your day?

See what’s going on with them. You know, if they’re like, Oh my God, I just can’t with work. And it’s too much. Um, I would wait until they chill out a bit before you kind of bring up the topic. Um, and so this, yeah, so this can be really fun to talk about. Um, there’s so many ways to initiate, by the way. Um, it could be a hand on the leg.

It could be, you know, coming up behind someone when they’re doing the dishes. Um, It could be, uh, grabbing their hand and just walking them to the bedroom. It could be that verbal communication. Um, and it doesn’t always have to be overt. And so I think this is where you’re going to have to find that sweet spot with people, with your partner or partners, um, is, is figuring out how overt do they want it to be or how subtle do they want it to be?

And if you, you might want to pick something more subtle, but if you’ve done the communication, And you’re on the same page of like, Hey, if I put my hand on your leg and I give your knee a squeeze, that’s like our signal. Um, or if I just say, Hey, meet me in the bedroom in 30 minutes. I don’t have to say, let’s have intercourse, but we’ll both know what I’m talking about.

Um, whereas other things like coming up behind someone and kissing their neck, you know, that, that could go a few different ways. That might mean I want to connect and snuggle and make out, and it could mean sex. And actually, I’m glad that’s coming up as well because that’s an area where I also see people get hung up, you know, with initiating, um, sometimes a partner, especially the partner with a little bit of a lower drive, uh, lower libido might kind of feel like, uh, it’s just like pressure.

Now we have to like have orgasms and like get super sexual, whereas they might be really interested in something sensual, or they might be really interested in something affectionate. You know, and then sometimes the affectionate kind of play or the sensual play can lead to sexual play, but not always.

And a lot of people want to know that like it doesn’t have to, because that can feel like pressure and then they don’t even want to start, right? Then we’re getting. Stopped before the initiating happens at all. Um, and so that could be another really important area to communicate about. Like, hey, I love making out, but I might not want to go further than that on a certain day.

Some days I do, some days I don’t. How do we communicate that? Um, and so I’ve worked with couples on that. And that can be something where, you know, maybe people communicate up front, like, okay, very into the making out right now. That’s probably all I want to do today. And then if the other partner is kind of like, um, super turned on and like hot and heavy, they might be like, Totally no problem if you go take care of yourself, um, or find some erotica and, you know, do what you want to do.

Um, so that could be an agreement that you have so that it’s not always all or nothing. I actually think that’s an important thing that’s really overlooked. It’s almost like when we’re younger, you know, if you’re like in high school or college or if you’re newer in a relationship, then there’s sort of like all these gray areas where it’s, you know, Not nothing, but it’s not always leading to a, you know, our peak pleasure activities are highly sexual activities.

Um, it’s like, it gets forgotten as we get older and as we get further in our relationships and from working with clients. A lot of you want those in between areas to be part of your intimacy, and I think it’s important that we realize they’re still intimate, right? You can have a naked cuddle session, and that’s intimate, right?

You’re having skin contact, you’re getting that oxytocin, you’re being vulnerable, um, you’re naked, but it doesn’t mean you have to be sexual. Or you could do, uh, just give each other a back massage, right? That could be an in between thing. Having a make out, right? Um, you could decide like let’s just do hand stuff, you know, uh, let’s, let’s have intercourse but let’s lay on our sides and be lazy, you know, that’s, there’s just, there’s a smorgasbord of options, um, and I think that’s important.

And so that can be even part of a little negotiation, um, at the beginning, you know, and so I think it’s important to talk about, hey, what works for you in general, but it also can be important to talk about, hey, what’s your boundary for today? All right. So I hope that this was helpful. Um, I also wanted to share with you guys that part of my, part of my interest in this topic is, you know, I sat down and figured out what are the main topics where I really see people get stuck, you know, where sex has become a chore for them, where sex is not happening at all.

And it was three major things. It was libido. It was initiating and it was self censorship. And so if you’re in that position where you’re like, Hey, something’s got to give here. Like I love my partner, but it feels like we’re roommates. It feels like sex is just like one more thing we’re supposed to cross off the to do list.

Um, don’t, first of all, don’t wait, don’t let it go. You know, like those situations only tend to get worse and faster if we’re not really facing them head on. Um, and so I have developed a free, tool for you guys. It’s called the intimacy audit and it’s a free mini course. It’s a video course. Um, and it’s just going to help you diagnose like which of these three, three patterns are we falling into?

Are we falling into one? Are we falling into two? Are we falling into all three? So we at least diagnose the actual issue. Because back in the day when I was having like the cringe initiation with my partner at the time, like I didn’t have these tools either. You know, um, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was wrong or even like where to look to start fixing it.

So check it out. The link is in the notes, um, for this episode. And, you know, it’s my gift to you guys for a limited time. So, uh, don’t delay. I can’t guarantee how long this one will be available. Um, so as always, thank you guys so much for listening. Uh, if you love the show. Make sure you hit the follow button, um, and we will catch you next week with Damona Hoffman, our love and dating expert.

So get excited for that. All right, everybody. Thanks for listening. Bye. Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk Guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon.

co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.