This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello, my loves.

I am excited to bring you a solo episode this week. And this one was voted on by my Instagram broadcast channel. So if you are not yet there, go follow Ask a Sex Therapist on Instagram and join the broadcast channel, um, where I will be posting polls and questions every week. Um, so Or to see you there. Um, but yeah, so this, this was one of the, the top choices.

Um, and we’re going to talk about removing the top five sex blockers. Um, so yeah, if this, if this is something where you’re like, what is stopping my sex life from being what I wanted to be. Definitely listen up. Also, um, if you’re new to the show, if you’re not yet following the show, please follow the show.

All you have to do is click the follow button, um, at the top of whatever podcast app you’re using. We have some really awesome episodes coming up on, um, surrogate partners, sexual fantasies. Um, going through menopause, balancing hormones, and we even have Betty Martin, who’s kind of a legend in the field, to come talk about the Wheel of Consent, which I’m super excited about.

So make sure you follow the show so you don’t miss any of those. And then we’ll kind of get into our topic today. Um, and I also want to remind you guys, I link to related topics in the show notes. So if you’re like, Ooh, this was good. I want more of this. Um, you should always be able to find at least three.

I think I’m going to put five in this episode because there’s so many blockages to sex that I see, you know, in my clients that I want to help you guys with. All right. So number one reason, number one reason, and I’m not saying this is like the most frequent, but it’s the first one. It’s the first one we’re going to start with today and it’s a low hanging fruit.

So people stop doing what worked in the beginning, right? And so sometimes it feels like such a mystery, like why are we not having sex or why are we not having sex as much? Or, um, You know, it’s just like, I don’t know. We feel kind of like roommates. We, you know, feel like, uh, it’s just like one more thing to cross off the list, you know, and it’s because people stop doing what’s working in the beginning.

So when you think about when you first met your partner or if you’re dating, like last time you met somebody you were excited about. You are thinking about them all the time and you’re thinking how hot they are and you’re thinking how you just want to touch them. And you know, there’s an excitement, there’s an anticipation for when you’re going to see them next.

You’re probably, you know, really well groomed. You’re probably wearing like your best outfit. You might even be buying a new outfit. You’re thinking about all the things you want to do with them in the future. You know, like, let’s go to this outing and let’s go do that adventure. And, you know, let’s, uh, yeah, go have a romantic getaway.

And, you know, there’s all of these things that kind of happen naturally at the beginning. So I do want to own that, that, you know, some of this is because it is new. And, um, we have these like crazy. amazing hormones that make us feel like we’re high all the time. And, and that’s fun. Like who doesn’t think that’s fun.

Right. And can also be a roller coaster. I will acknowledge that, but, but yeah, when you’re, especially when, you know, it’s mutual and it’s the beginning, it’s really fun. And so. When I work with a couple that’s been together, you know, 10, 20 years, they’re often not doing that stuff anymore. And it’s kind of like, we don’t know.

It’s like life just happened. But when you think about it, it’s like, well, you live together. You maybe haven’t been totally on top of planning your date nights. Um, you might have kids, you might have stressful jobs, you might have both, um, you know, and so there’s so many other demands on your time and on your just like mental bandwidth that it can be hard.

It can be hard to kind of prioritize that, but you can do it. You can totally do it. I’ve seen people do it. I know it can be done. And I think it starts by just deciding like, you know what, like I’m going to reprioritize this. Um, and then you figure it out piece by piece. So it’d be like, all right, let’s start with the date nights.

Let’s start with, um, planning an adventure. You know, there’s, there’s some research that shows when we do something that’s a little bit thrilling or, you know, can kind of have some of that adrenaline that it can also bond you with the person that you do it with. Um, so you’ll see that on all the dating shows, you know, um, I am addicted to the reality dating shows, unfortunately.

And so it’ll be like, Oh, we’re going bungee jumping on our date, or we’re going on a helicopter ride or, you know, whatever it is. Um, so plan something a little bit out of the norm, a little bit adventurous. Now The second one that I want to talk about is not feeling emotionally safe. And it’s so interesting because people are often kind of titillated when I tell them my job.

Like, ooh, you’re a sex therapist. Like, that’s so sexy. You talk about sex all day. And what I actually do is what I’m talking about in this episode. So, I help people strategize. I help people realize, you know, Here’s what we’re not doing. Like here’s what we kind of forgot about. Here’s the deep emotional work we need to do to create the amazing fun titillating sex life.

So a lot of it is, you know, really foundational. Um, and so this, this idea of not feeling emotionally safe or heard, um, or maybe not even feeling emotionally safe to fully be yourself and share openly, you know, that that’s core. And that’s something that. Most people that come to me probably don’t even realize fully.

Um, so if you’re listening to this and you’re, you know, you’re in a relationship and sex is not as frequent as you would like, you know, do you feel comfortable sharing really openly? Do you feel comfortable stating your opinions? Do you feel comfortable saying what emotions are coming up for you? Or do you feel like you’re going to be judged?

Do you feel like you’re going to be, um, redirected and not really fully heard out? Do you feel like you’re going to be told to suck it up? You know, so just notice like what comes up for you when you think about sharing really openly. And one of the other things is when I work with people individually, a lot of times they’ll tell me stuff and I’m like, are you telling your partner this?

You know, like, like everything you’re saying right now is so good. Please go tell your partner this. And sometimes it’s like, working with a coach or a therapist because we’re not part of your life and because our job is to like be that kind of unconditional positive regard. Sometimes we can feel so much safer.

And then I guess the flip side of this question is, are you being that for your partner? Right? Because a lot of times when it’s, Our own intimate life. And this is the person that we live with. And this is the person that we make life decisions with. It can feel scary or threatening to fully open up and put things out there in case it rocks the boat.

Right. But. I actually think from doing what I’ve done for a while now that it’s riskier to not say anything. Right? It’s like when we just kind of let things go unchecked, that’s how people wind up working with me is because they’ve been avoiding. And when we kind of shut it down on the emotional level, it often winds up shutting it down on the sexual level too, because so many of us.

Regardless of gender, really need that emotional connection before we want to be sexual. So that is a huge, you know, cause for lack of sex or kind of just going through the motions type of sex. Okay. So our third reason, so, so far we had you stopped doing what was working in the beginning and you’re not feeling emotionally safe.

Third reason, not making an effort to nurture your sex life specifically, and this is one I ran into in a past relationship where my partner was not really nurturing that and I was trying to communicate and I wasn’t really getting my needs met in that way. And you know, this is also something I see with couples I work with, um, where sometimes one partner will kind of be like, You know, this is like a really important way for me to feel connected and to feel validated and to feel wanted and to feel, um, important, right?

So there’s, there’s so many things that people can be getting from that sexual connection. And so when one partner is shut down for whatever reason, really, it could be somebody went through a major medical issue. It could go, you know, maybe somebody went through major depression, um, Maybe your kids or another family member, maybe you were like a caregiver, right?

And you were so focused on someone else. But so making sure you’re nurturing your sex life specifically. And I want to also be clear, like, what do I mean by that? So nurturing your sex life could look like having a discussion about, Hey, like what would be really fun for us to try in bed or, Hey, I love it when you used to do that.

Can we like bring that back and reincorporate, you know, maybe it’s more oral sex. Maybe it’s, um, going to a toy store. Finding a list of positions and like picking two or three to, to kind of add to the rotation or just try out, um, it could be taking the time to understand like, Hey, what gets you in the mood?

You know, like I know you’re stressed from work. What would help for you to feel like more open to sex or like something you’re actually looking forward to instead of something that is like a chore. Right. And so just like asking those questions, showing interest, showing that you’re willing to make an effort.

Right. Appreciate it. If there’s something they mentioned a while ago and you’re like, Oh, you know what? We never did that. Kind of like, Hey, I remember this. I want to circle back to this. Um, so I think, I think helping your partner, uh, feel really seen as a sexual being is important. Um, and that actually, that’s another issue that I see happen is that like, because we become roommates, because we become co parents, we stop seeing the person as a sexual being.

And so figuring that out, like maybe going back to when you first met again and thinking, what made me see them as sexual? Is it like, Oh, because they’re so good at their job or they’re so smart or they’re so athletic or I loved when they flirted with me and we kind of stopped doing the flirting, right?

So figure out what helps you see your partner as a sexual being. And also, you know, what helps them see you as a sexual being if that’s not happening. So it could be that, you know, Um, maybe you’re not taking care of yourself anymore. Maybe you are not making an effort with, you know, what clothes you wear, um, or doing your hair or, you know, bathing regularly, you know, like surprisingly that is a frequent thing that I hear from people.

So it can be basics and, and the cool thing is that a lot of what you do to kind of like bump your sex life back up. It’s also just going to make you a happier person, um, because sexual energy is life force energy. So we kind of have to remember it’s not like these two separate things. All right. So let’s get to number four.

So we have, again, stop doing what worked in the beginning, not feeling emotionally safe and not making an effort to specifically nurture your sex life. All right. So the fourth one is that you’re not getting the type of sex that really does it for you. Right. Or your partner is not getting the type of sex that really does it for them.

And there’s a few layers to this. So one of them is creating the conditions, right? And so that’s usually step one. Sometimes what happens is we go to like step three or step four and we think about like the sex positions, but the issue actually lies like way further up the funnel, if you will. Um, that it’s like, we haven’t even created the conditions, you know, maybe it’s like, Um, the household is, there’s nothing sexual or sensual anywhere in the household.

There’s nothing to remind you that like sex is a thing that could be happening. Um, you know, maybe you’re not listening to things or watching things that, um, nurture your more responsive style of sex drive. Um, and that means that, you know, you need some sexual stimuli, right? So that could be part of creating the conditions.

A couple other things that I see with people that I work with that really contribute to creating the conditions is stress management, right? And so if we’re just like a ball of stress and we’re burned out and we don’t have a very good energy level. Um, and we’re kind of like in fight or flight mode and it’s just, it’s just a lot, you know?

Um, so many of you do so much. So I just, I just want you to know that I realized that and you know, you’re doing a good job. You’re doing the best you can and maybe take 10 minutes for a meditation, right? Maybe go take a walk around the block and listen to one of your favorite songs before coming in the house and interacting with your partner.

Right? Just those little transitions can really shift the energy or maybe communicate with your partner. Hey, I kind of need a half an hour to just go like. lay on the bed and scroll on my phone before I’m like fit to interact with humans. You know, like that’s real and that’s okay. Um, so creating the conditions, um, the other piece of that is so like the relaxation kind of like bringing, calming down your nervous system.

And then the other piece is alone time, you know, so many people, um, Or just kind of in service of others, really. So it’s like maybe you’re in service of your job, you’re helping people at your job, you’re reporting to your boss, um, you’re taking care of your children, um, you’re running errands. And it’s like, do you have that moment where you can just have an hour to yourself?

You know, maybe it’s to go to the gym, maybe it’s to go on a walk, maybe it’s to read a book that’s just for fun. Um, But that’s important and it’s often a prerequisite. Okay. So the next level of not getting the type of sex that does it for you would be like really understanding turn ons. So we’ve created the conditions, but now we want to figure out, okay, you still got to like flip the switch, right?

And so is it flirtation? Is it? your partner, like hinting at something. So it’s building that like anticipation, you know, like, uh, maybe it’s like, Oh, you’re going to get in trouble later. Maybe it’s just like a little flirty comment like that. Right. Um, or, uh, you know, you better watch out what you say or whatever.

So you could, you could do some playful teasing. Um, it could be touch, you know, it could just be affection. It could be that emotional connection. Everyone’s different. So we got to take the time to find out. Um, the next piece of it is fantasies. And so we’ve created the conditions, we’re figuring out the turn ons, and now it’s like, okay, what like really excites you?

And you can decide, do we want to make that fantasy a reality? Or do we want to just play with that in terms of, you know, dirty talk in the bedroom or discussing the fantasy, um, without actually acting on it. And then the last piece of the type of sex that does it for you is the physical technique. And you know, we’re not taught this, so we have to teach each other.

We have to experiment and we have to give feedback. Um, otherwise it’s just like, we’re just, you know. Watching porn or like, you know, Googling things and taking our best stab at it, you know, and yeah, so, so feedback is good, you know, programs like Beducated, I’ll, I’ll put a link to that in the show notes as well, where you can watch videos and try techniques.

Um, another really great one for female pleasure is OMG. Yes. Um, we’ll link to that one too, but like, these are actual resources that will actually teach you helpful sex things. Um, so I strongly encourage you to check that out. And the other really cool thing about it is that it gives you language. It gives you like a shared language.

to talk to your partner about, um, you know, uh, like I had, I had a couple that I was working with recently who tried one of those and came back and were like, wow, I learned entirely new things about anatomy that I didn’t know. And I was like, yeah, cause, cause no one’s teaching you anything helpful. Um, and so we do have those resources.

And so if you’re listening to this show, obviously you already found one resource. Um, and I am sort of like the resource queen. So if you, if you do check out show notes, you will always find more. All right. And then the last thing I want to mention in terms of removing the five major sex blocks is hurt and betrayal, right?

And this could look a lot of different ways, but so often people come to me and they’re kind of like, you know, we get along, we’re friends. Um, sometimes it feels like we’re roommates, but like they kind of say like, oh, there’s no problems. And then we dig a little deeper and it’s kind of like, oh, well, I felt really hurt when you, um, you know, abandon me that one time or, uh, you know, you cheated many years ago, but I actually haven’t gotten over it.

Um, and so we really figure out what do you need to actually heal and actually move on. And if you’re in a situation where you’re like, God, they just, my partner just like won’t let it go. Like that was so long ago. Why can’t they just let it go? You know, I’ve said, sorry, it’s been however long. They’re not letting it go because it’s not healed.

So whatever you’ve done, whatever you’ve tried has not fully healed it. Right. Um. And if that’s, that is an area where, you know, getting some outside support can be really helpful because, you know, if you’ve tried on your own, you don’t understand where you’re stuck. Um, sometimes it does take getting into those deeper psychological layers to really heal that and move on.

So, you know, find a therapist, find a coach, um, reach out to me if you need one. Um, And, you know, do that work. I also want to be clear, it’s work. It’s not always easy, but it’s super, super rewarding work. It’s the kind of work that like changes your life, changes your relationship, builds your confidence, helps you understand your partner better, creates real intimacy.

You know, like real intimacy isn’t neat and tidy and clean and pretty, right? Like real intimacy is messy. You know, we’re humans, we’re not robots. And I think that’s beautiful. So, um, so hopefully you’re willing to do some of that work, but if you are stuck again, I’m going to link to some other episodes too.

Um, there are other things that can also be blocking your sex life. So we have episode 60 on sexual trauma. We have episode 46, good girl syndrome. We have episode 31 about finding the time and scheduling sex, episode seven about libido and episode nine about feeling sexy. So all of those will be linked in the show notes as well.

Thank you guys so much for listening. And, um, if you do want some more help and you’re struggling with some of these things, uh, don’t hesitate to request an intimacy breakthrough call with me. I will be linking to that as well. Um, we do limit those to three per week. Um, so if you are interested, make sure don’t wait too long on that.

Um, all right everybody, thank you for listening and we will catch you next Monday. Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk Guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon.

co forward slash dirty talk. Again that’s heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.