This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex.

I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello my loves. This feels like a Ask a sex therapist after dark episode because it’s 1130 PM.

Um, but I’m getting this one in for my editor, Stephanie, who’s going on vacation next week. Shout out to Stephanie. Um, so we are going to talk about self consciousness. during sex today. And this is another one that my Instagram broadcast channel voted on. So if you’re not over there, um, go join the channel so you can weigh in on topics and.

I think this is an important one, actually, because regardless of whether it’s a new partner, um, if it’s someone who’s been your partner for 20 years, uh, what age you are, what gender you are, what body type you are, I think we all have some of this, right? Um, even if you’re a sex worker, even if you do this professionally, chances are you’re going to still have some self consciousness.

Now, some of that might go away over time and a lot of us work on this, right? But I’m a big believer that, you know, in order to heal something and move on. We need to face it first. We need to like acknowledge it exists, right? Um, because otherwise it can just kind of live in our unconscious and surprisingly dominate from the background.

So what does self consciousness look like during sex? Let’s start with that. So That could look like you’re not present. It could look like there’s worries about your body. There’s worries about your sexual technique. There could be worries about. Just feeling like you should know more, like you should know what you’re doing.

This is something I see a lot with clients. Um, you know, sometimes, uh, you know, I’ve worked with some bisexual clients who are in their first same gender relationship, right? And that’s a tough spot to be in because, you know, it might be like, okay, I’m like in my thirties or something and I feel like I should know what I’m doing.

Also, this is really new to me. It could also be that you’ve been with someone in kind of a sexless marriage for, you know, decades. And then you put yourself out there and are dating, and it’s like real out of practice. Right? And so that can be some discomfort and some self consciousness. And I have to remind myself of this too.

That’s what intimacy is sometimes is just owning that is allowing yourself to be kind of a beginner at something or a kind of like a born again beginner and, and to communicate with your partner about that, you know, and I do want to have a caveat about that because If it’s something where we’re pointing out our flaws, um, we’re just thinking about what’s wrong with us, you know, if it’s more than just kind of garden variety self consciousness, um, I’m going to refer you back to, um, the placebo episode, the sexual placebo effect, which I think is episode 10.

Um, because what we put out there and what we kind of look at under our magnifying glass is what we are magnifying in our life. And. Um, I’ve been, um, in a situation where I’m, you know, I have a partner who I think is really sexy and he’ll make negative comments about his body, right? And sometimes that magnifies it for me.

Um, if someone keeps picking apart something, it’s like, okay, well, I hadn’t even really noticed that. I hadn’t thought twice about it. Um, but now that you keep bringing it up, it’s almost like making it a focal point. So I do think. That it’s one thing, especially outside of sexy context, to just kind of acknowledge like, yeah, I feel, you know, feel kind of like, I’m not sure what you like, or I feel like I’m out of practice at this, you know, or I feel like it’s been so long since we’ve been sexual.

You know, sometimes that can become the elephant in the room and make people very self conscious. So I think just naming it, just starting by naming it can be helpful, um, unless it’s your body. And then I think maybe you name it once, you know, actually, Hey, this is a thing I’m working through. Um, but you don’t want to beat a dead horse.

Right. Um, and I think the body thing can be tough because. It’s not this permanent, but it depends what it is. So if it’s like, Oh, Hey, I’m uncomfortable with my belly. Right. Um, or I feel like my belly is getting in the way or I’ve gained weight recently, you know, or I’m scrawny and I don’t have like any muscles or I’m not curvy enough or I’m too curvy, you know, it’s like, Um, even just saying these things out loud, it’s like, God, do we just have to have like every criteria perfectly dialed into the exact right balance?

Um, so part of it is I think we need to stop holding ourselves to these perfectionist standards. And one thing that helps me with that piece, that’s not even something I was planning to touch on, but, um, it just came up. So with that, what, what if everybody’s body was perfectly dialed in? What if it was like, just right, whatever that means.

Is everyone going to look the same? Are we going to even find it attractive anymore? Um, I, I think that diversity is underrated. Um, diversity in all the ways, right? Diversity in yes, skin color I think is often what we think of with that, or race, but diversity in terms of height, diversity in terms of age, diversity in terms of, you know, how fleshy our body is, how curvy our body is, right?

Where the curves are, um, where the muscular parts are, you know, it’s like to me, I’m like, thank God we don’t all look the same. Like how boring would that be? Right. It’s kind of like there’s one flavor of ice cream. Like I don’t want one flavor of ice cream. Hopefully, hopefully you don’t either, but, um, You know, to just appreciate or maybe it’s kind of like, okay, there’s a bunch of flavors of ice cream And I found my favorite one, you know, that that’s the one or hey Maybe you’re polyamorous and you’re like I found my favorite three, you know And those are the ones I appreciate the most but I think thank God we have all the flavors of ice cream all the types of bodies all the types of sexual interests Right.

We have people who are non monogamous. We have people who are monogamous. We have people who are asexual. We have people who are, uh, highly sexual. Um, we have people who are into, you know, sensual and romantic. We have people who are into, um, kink and impact play. Right. Like there’s such. a beautiful, amazing spectrum, and we don’t have to be a certain way.

So I really think that seeking that out, and this is actually a point that I was intending to make, but kind of finding that confidence inspiration is so key. And You know, I’m not, I don’t know how I feel about the fake it till you make it. Um, I think we can do that a little bit with some of the body insecurities.

But I think it’s also great to find like an aspirational role model. It could even be you from like a different period of your life when you felt confident. Right. It could be somebody who looks kind of like you. It could just be someone who has an energy, right? It might be someone who’s like not like you at all and not a type you would normally find attractive.

And there’s just like something about them. Just like, you know, they carry themselves well. They dress well. You can tell they take some pride in their appearance, even if they’re not, you know, some cookie cutter. standard of beauty or handsomeness or hotness or whatever. Yeah. So seek that out. Know that it’s possible.

Right. Um, because I think we have a lot of stories about a lot of shoulds about how we should be during sex. And I, and I do think a lot of it’s body related, a lot of body image stuff. And, but we also have ideas of like, I should be this, you know, talented lover or I should be able to make my partner come from oral or my partner should be wet by the time I go down there or, um, really whatever it is.

And there’s stories and all of that. And so the more this podcast, a lot is like, it’s really about waking up to our stories, you know, and finding our authentic path and knowing that, you know, it’s not better or worse than anyone else’s. Um, but just noticing really what feels right to us and what feels, uh, authentic and aligned.

So that’s what we’re looking for. And the other thing I’ll add that, that has really helped me. So like, Seeking out different body types has been something that’s been very helpful to me. Um, and really just consciously realizing if I’m focusing on something that’s quote unquote wrong with my body, what effect is that having?

What effect is that having on me? What effect is that having on any partner that I’m with? What effect is that having on our ability to connect? And so I just got so clear that That’s not something I want to give energy to. It’s not that the thoughts maybe wouldn’t arise about like, Oh, okay. Like, you know, I wish I was a little bit more toned or, you know, I wish I would drop some weight or whatever it is.

You know, I still have some of those thoughts. I just don’t let them run the show. You know, I just realized that it’s just. You know, it’s kind of like if we have plants or something, it’s like, that’s not a plant I want to water. Right. I’m going to water some other plants. So, so notice that for yourself, like what are the plants you’re watering?

You know, what’s the, which ones are you giving miracle grow to? Right. We certainly don’t want to give any miracle grow to our negative body thoughts. Right. And I want to make an important distinction here. So while I’m saying like, We’re not trying to nurture these, we’re not trying to give them all our attention, we’re not trying to be complaining about our body to our partner all the time and we still might want to find an outlet to do some healing work with that part.

You know, you guys know that I’m a parts therapist and I do internal family systems with people. So if there’s a part that’s telling you, you don’t look good, you’re not sexy, no one’s into that, right? Some of our internal parts can say pretty mean things too. Um, to, to hold space for that as well. It is important, you know, this could be called shadow work.

It’s important to do shadow work, to look at not just the pretty things and to show some compassion for those parts. Right. So what if it’s like, okay, part of me is feeling self conscious. Part of me is not feeling great about my body. Okay, can I kind of give that part a mental hug? Can I show that part some compassion?

Can I kind of be like, you know what? Makes some sense because our culture sure as hell is not giving you.

It’s, it’s trying, we’re trying to make some improvements, you know, we’re, we’re making some progress, but, but by and large, you know, there’s still these, um, ideals that people feel like they have to live up to. So to just kind of be like, you know what? Little part that’s worried about this stuff. It makes sense.

You’ve come by it pretty honestly, right? Um, even just starting with that can be powerful. Just acknowledging it because, because the other thing that we sometimes try to do, you know, we maybe try to resolve our body image like, Oh, I should be so body positive or I should be, you know, so kind to myself or I should never think about like weight loss or dieting or whatever.

Um, and we almost try to push that part away and exile it, right. Which is a big part of IFS. And so the idea is that we don’t want to exile our parts in general. We kind of have want to befriend and welcome all the parts and be curious about them and get to know them and kind of get to know like where did they get these stories?

Right. And what, what I found a lot from working with clients over the years is that when we have painful experiences, even though that experience was a fleeting moment, maybe even if it was years of our lives, if something that was just really shitty, um, typically it’s gone, you know, by the time people are talking to me, it’s in the past.

But it’s living on inside of us and that’s, that’s the real thing with trauma. It’s like the situation is gone. The perpetrator, you know, whoever was hurting you, whoever was saying mean things, whatever negative messages you were getting often is gone, but we have that voice. It’s almost like we’ve internalized that voice and we’re kind of perpetuating it then internally through our thoughts.

And so that, that can be important to work through, right? Um, so you can do those first few steps on your own. I think internal family systems is amazing, so I would recommend getting an internal family systems therapist. If you’re curious to talk to me about it, I do offer, uh, a limited number. of, uh, intimacy breakthrough calls every week where I meet with people who are really wanting to work, uh, specifically in this area of their life, um, who are in committed relationships and who are wanting to do that healing work.

So I’d also be happy to talk to you about IFS and if it’s a good fit for you. So, so we’re going to be compassionate with ourself because we’ve got these shitty messages from the culture. We’re going to find some inspiration for confidence. Um, look for those people who are feeling themselves, even call to mind those moments when you were feeling yourself, even if it was just like one night where you thought you looked good.

Right. And then we’re going to really challenge our thoughts. So this is kind of the third point that I wanted to make tonight is, you know, our thoughts create our reality. So if we’ve internalized this stuff, if we’re kind of like repeating the trauma in our heads, we’re going to keep getting similar results.

And so if we’re really wanting to change what our experience is qualitatively, where sex goes from being, you know, the self consciousness about our body, the self consciousness about our technique, the self consciousness about, I don’t know, maybe smell or baldness, you know, anything, um, to feeling really present and feeling really connected and feeling deserving of pleasure and being able to.

Uh, give that much more to yourself and to your partner because you’re present, right? And not caught up in the self consciousness, um, and so we do have to kind of unpack those stories and just notice, um, and so we can start with that. We can start with, okay, you know what? I realize I have a story about my age and I feel like, you know, once people are over 65, they’re not supposed to be sexual.

Okay. That’s a start. Now you’re aware that you’ve been carrying that story, right? Or you know, Oh, now that I had a hysterectomy, I’m less of a woman and I’m not sexually attractive. Because I can’t bear children, you know, so I was like, okay, now we know. Now we know that’s a story or it could be, you know, Hey, I’m a dude.

I feel like I should be more sexually experienced, but I’ve only had a couple of partners and so it’s hard for me to initiate or I don’t know what my partner wants and I kind of get in my head around that and I get self conscious in that way. Okay. Right? And then we can look at like, what is that perpetuating?

That thought, that belief, that story that you have that’s leading to the self conscious feeling. What winds up happening? And it’s so fascinating. Um, I’m going to share the example with me, unsex related, not sex related, but with public speaking. Okay. Um, so when I was in college, you know, I had the thought public speaking is scary.

I’m really bad at public speaking. Um, my voice quivers, um, because of the nervousness and then everyone’s going to notice how I’m quivering. And then, um, it’s going to make me that much more uncomfortable and nervous, but it’s like this terrible vicious cycle. You know, and I was like, oh, man, I can’t do this.

It’s too hard. And I remember senior year of college, this is so ridiculous, I had like a Hawaiian punch in class. It was a business class. We had like a group presentation. And I put a vodka shot in my Hawaiian punch so that I could get through my presentation. Right. Now, as you might imagine, since I have a podcast, this is like episode 70 something, I’ve pretty much gotten over that.

Right. I never, never thought I would though, but, but what actually was the moment where it’s sort of the turning point for me was just having an experience that helped shift my thoughts. And it was when I was in grad school and I was talking about something I actually cared about, you know, clearly, so I have a finance degree for those of you who didn’t know.

But I wasn’t that into it, right? So that was probably part of the nervousness in college. Then when I was getting my master’s in counseling, it was like, Oh, I actually do care about these things. I actually want to help people learn. And so part of it was, I knew I had a friendly audience. Um, some of my friends and classmates were in there.

I knew them a little bit better. It was a topic where I was more focused on sharing a helpful message and less focused on myself. And also I knew the topic really well. And so then it was kind of like, Oh, there’s a set of circumstances that exist in which I can feel good presenting and kind of have fun with it.

That’s cool. And so that’s what I want for you guys with your sex life, with the self consciousness to know, you might not know what it is right now, but I want you to know there is a set of circumstances, there is a new set of beliefs. That will allow you to have a different. Um, and better feeling experience during sex.

So I hope that that was helpful. Reach out if you have any questions. Um, we do have a podcast email address now, ask a sex therapist podcast at gmail. com. Um, we’ll link to that in the show notes. Don’t forget to follow the show. Um, if you like this episode, we have, I have so many guests coming up, you guys, so many guests and they’re like, I have some really awesome guests.

So I would love to, um, yeah, have you guys catch all those future episodes. So follow the show. Um, that also helps us to, uh, get found on the sex.

It’s free, takes a couple seconds. And then if you are struggling with self consciousness, if you’re feeling like this is something that’s, you know, getting in the way of having the connection you want with your partner, check out my new intimacy audit. So this is a free mini course. Um, there’s three modules.

They’re under 10 minutes each little videos for me. Some emails that go along with it and we’ll kind of walk you through it, but this is going to be really the first step because one of the things I’ve realized in working with people is that people might come in and say they have a libido issue, and that’s not actually an issue, or people might come in and say, you know, hey, we’re not We’re not connecting, um, we just act like roommates and I’m like, oh, no, you actually have some like lingering resentment that you’ve never dealt with, you know, or one of you is not feeling emotionally safe and like that’s what’s going on.

And so the intimacy audit will help you figure out the first step so that you’re at least addressing the right thing. Um, I know back in the day when I was struggling. In a long-term relationship with our sexual connection. I had no idea what was going on. zero, right? I was like, I don’t know. I’m trying to communicate.

It’s not working. That’s all I know. Um, so this is gonna help you pinpoint what it’s, um, so enjoy that. That will be linked to in the show notes as well. Um, and then we always link to a few similar episodes. So if this episode resonated with you, we’ll put um, two or three similar episodes in the show notes so you can keep listening.

All right, everybody. Love ya. Check ya next Monday. Bye. Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon.

co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk and be sure to tell your partner or friends because Everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist