This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body. because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist.

Hey everybody.

Happy Monday. If you’re listening to this on Monday, happy whatever date is listening to it on another day, we’re going to talk about cuddle parties today. I went to my first cuddle party. And so that, And I asked in my Instagram broadcast channel, I was like, is this something people would even want to hear about?

Um, because sometimes, you know, I’m like, it’s just like my life. It’s just like things I’m trying. And you guys said overwhelmingly. Yeah. So let’s. So let’s get into it. Um, and I’m going to try and be really mindful to just share my personal experience. That’s kind of the rule of the cuddle party. Um, so I’m going to leave other people out of it as much as I can, even though there was obviously some interactions.

So first I’m going to start with answering a couple of your questions, but before we get into that, I want to remind you of two things. So one, follow the show. Um, we’re talking about cuddle parties today, and we actually have, um, Buddy Martin coming up, who’s going to be an amazing guest. I already recorded with her.

She’s a facilitator of cuddle parties and created the wheel of consent. She’s like a living legend in my field. Um, so I’m excited for that. So if you like what we talk about today, especially make sure you follow the show. So you don’t miss that one. Um, it also helps support the show. So if you’re just like,

okay, Heather’s trying hard, let’s support her.

That’s

also appreciated. Thank you.

Um, All right. And then the other thing I want to let you know is that, you know, I love hearing from you guys. So whether it’s in the Instagram broadcast channel, um, my Instagram is ask a sex therapist. So that’s pretty easy to remember. Um, or if it’s, uh, via my website, so I have a podcast website, it’s heathershannon.

co forward slash podcast. So again, that’s heathershannon. com. And I’ve added a voicemail button to the side of the webpage so you can just click on it, put in your name and email and leave me a recording. And what’s awesome about that is that, um, we can then feature you and your voice, uh, with a real name or an anonymous name, whatever you want, uh, on the podcast.

So if you have a sex question, if there’s a scenario, um, I really love this audio format. Obviously as a podcaster, um, you can still write in your questions and that’s fully anonymous, no email address or anything also on my website. Um, so yeah, so check that out. Like I’m, I’m here for you. I’m going to answer your questions.

Um, so it’s a fun new way for us to engage. So check out that, uh, button

on the podcast webpage.

We’ll link to it in the show notes too. Okay. So now let’s get into the questions about the cuddle party. So the first question is what’s a cuddle party, right? Like this is probably not something that most of us have been to before.

And so what is it even, how do you define a cuddle party? So there’s a few things and, and I also want to be clear, I’ve been to one. Um, so this is sort of like Heather goes to a cuddle party. This is not Heather, the expert on cuddle parties. Okay. But a cuddle party is really what it sounds like. Um, it’s about affection.

It’s not about being sexual. It’s fully clothed. Um, it’s consensual and each one I’m sure is different in different ways just because. Each facilitator is going to kind of have their own flavor. Um, each city or location is going to kind of have its own flavor. Um, if you’re curious about it, you know, and you’re wanting to find one, because that was one of the other questions is how do you join?

Um. There is a website called cuddle party. com. You can find a facilitator that way. You can also just Google it. You know, the one I went to was listed on eventbrite, right? So eventbrite is available in every city and you can check out if there’s any events like that. You can check meetup. Um, I don’t know if there’s Facebook groups, but you could try that.

Uh, so just, you know, do a little, do a little internet research, see how that goes. And then somebody also asked, is it a play party? And so for those of you who are also like, what’s a play party? Um, a play party is more sexual or it could be kink focused. Um, you know, again, there’s different flavors to those as well.

Uh, we did talk about these a little bit. Um, in a past episode, uh, about BDSM and play parties with our guest, Keetiana Boone. So I will link to that episode in the show notes if you want to check that one out. Um, but, uh, but no, it’s not a play party. So that’s kind of an important distinction. Um, the play parties do get more into kink and or sex, um, and the cuddle parties do not.

They’re platonic events. And then the other question is, you know, are they, are they popular? You know, if there’s a thing people are doing, you know, and I live in kind of a mid-size city and I was able to find one. I certainly think if you live in a larger city or just visit a larger city, you can find one.

Um, the general like vibe of them is like, this is all about connection, uh, and safe connection. Um. You know, I think they can be kind of an interesting idea if you’re curious to explore non monogamy, but you just want to like dip your toe in and like, let’s just be cuddly with other people. Like, we’re not going to dive all the way into the deep end on this.

Let’s just see how we feel. And, you know, You know, what emotions come up and communicate about it and what we’re okay with. Um, there were people at the cuddle party who were partnered. There were people who were single. Um, you know, so it kind of can attract, uh, all types of people, right? My guess would be that it might attract, attract people who, um, really value connection, right?

Like just some, some common sense stuff. Um, I do think a lot of people who are open or polyamorous. Um, are more open to connection as you would expect. Right? And so I think that there might be a higher percentage of those people, um, of that demographic. And then, you know, what exactly happens? So I’ll kind of just talk about the general setup of it.

So there was kind of a structure. There is some structure, right? And I think the level to which that structure is implemented is probably going to vary from. Um, Um, and as we’re talking about this, I also want to say we are specifically talking about cuddle parties today, and this is really just about trying something new and it’s really just about getting out of your comfort zone.

Right. And even though I, you know, Like meeting people and connect fairly well and don’t have a ton of social anxiety. This was still out of my comfort zone in some way, right? Like I didn’t know what I was walking into. I didn’t go with a partner or anything. Um, so we’ll talk about that. Um, so yeah, so keep that in mind in the back of your head.

Like, I don’t expect most of you to run out and go to a cuddle party. Although if you do, please message me and tell me about it. I would love to hear about it and what your experience was like. Um, but is there another area where you’re like, you know, This would be kind of cool or interesting, or I think I might learn something, you know, whether it’s trying a new position or whether it’s having a conversation with your partner or, you know, even just platonic intimacy.

Right. And that’s part of the theme today too, is like not all intimacy has to be sexual intimacy. Um, and by building platonic intimacy, That actually facilitates sexual intimacy to like the first layer of what I work on with my clients. Like if a couple comes to me is emotional intelligence, you know, understanding your own emotions.

Part of that, you know, our emotions are part of our physical experience too. So kind of tuning in to what’s going on in your body. Right. Communicating. And then kind of, you know, when we get more into the sexual stuff, consent, although cuddle parties are a great place to practice consent, um, because that, you know, any kind of sexual pressure or sexual fears are taken off the table.

So that’s pretty cool. Okay. So, so what kind of happens? So usually there’s, you know, an arrival window, right? You kind of have to arrive by a certain time and that’s to help create the safe container, right? Because if people are not aware of sort of the boundaries, um, or. Kinda how things work and consent and communication, like I just talked about.

Then you’re not creating a safe of an environment for people. And so that’s something to keep in mind. The, the one that I went to, uh, I, and keep in mind I have a DHD and I’m late for everything . That’s also part of why we don’t record these live. Um, so, so yeah, I was on the later end of the arrival window.

I would, based on that, I would really recommend getting there on the earlier end, especially if it’s like your first time, if you go there and you’re like, okay, I’ve met a lot of these people before, you know, I’m comfortable or, you know, I’ve hugged these people before we’ve hung out, you know, that’s different.

I think if it’s new for you, like give yourself some time to like get there and, you know, have some conversations with people and decide sort of where in the circle you want to sit and who you want to sit by and that kind of thing. So for me, because I got there later, people were pretty situated, you know?

Um, and you know, in terms of other people knowing each other. So I, I did know a few people that I had met were going. These weren’t people that I had like known very well, but, um, that was at least some comfort. I had met the facilitator. Um, and then, uh, I got there and I recognized a couple of faces who I had just kind of come across at group events once, um, but didn’t know super well.

So, so it is a small world. So I think if you’re kind of in, um, Um, spiritual circles. I think it does attract some spiritual people. Um, some very open minded people, people on a growth path, people who view relationship as a growth path. Um, that might be, it might be worth finding a cuddle party if, if you’re like, Oh yes, that sounds like people I’d like to hang out with.

Um, so anyway, so I got there, people are kind of situated and it does bring up some feelings, you know? And I, so part of this is I want to be vulnerable with you guys too, um, because I’m always telling you to, you know, feel your feelings and, and work through it and communicate. And so that was part of what came up for me was like, Oh, I’m feeling like, um, not at all from what anyone did, but I was feeling kind of like excluded, like, Oh, other people kind of know each other or other people are like touching or cuddling a certain way.

And what if nobody wants to cuddle me? Right? And then is that bad? And is that just because I was late or we haven’t had a chance to talk to these people yet? Um, and so I think that if you do decide to pursue this or something like this to adjust your expectations to, you know, like if you’re new and people don’t know you, um, they’re probably not going to be as comfortable approaching you.

And so I w I was able to kind of like mentally coach myself through that, you know, like this is not a rejection. And. And then somebody did ask like, Hey, can I rub your back? And that was nice. And it was, it was nice to be asked. Right. Um, and to also keep in mind saying yes to touch, and this is actually important.

This comes up with my clients a lot too. Um, saying yes to touch doesn’t mean you’re consenting to more. Right. And so this person. Ask if they can touch my back. That’s not the same as can I touch your upper thigh, right? Um, so you consent to what you consent to. You’re not consenting to more. And what I see with couples in this area is that one partner Who maybe isn’t totally in the mood yet, or maybe is the lower desire partner or has a more responsive type of desire where they need some sexual stimuli to kind of get them going.

And, uh, that could take some time, um, you know, where that partner might be interested in affection and touching and maybe like making out. And they might be like, this is great. This is great in and of itself. This doesn’t have to be great because I think it’s leading somewhere else. And so what I see a lot of times is that partner will actually avoid the affection and the making out because they’re worried that their partner is going to want more.

And that it’s always going to have to leave to, you know, orgasm or intercourse or oral sex or something, whatever, you know, your, you deem is like completion. Um, and so there’s kind of this fear that of all or nothing. And so I really love the idea of. Just consenting to the affection and even doing that as a practice.

And I do think cuddle parties are a great way to practice that. Um, the other kind of cute thing is like everyone had their feet in a pile in the middle. And so it was like, okay, I’ll, I’ll put my feet in the pile for a while. Um, and then, and one other thing that I think was great too is, you know, you can go to a cuddle party and choose not to cuddle and just kind of be like in the environment, you know, Um, and it might feel just like nice being in a cozy environment.

It might be feel nice being in a supportive environment, um, being in an environment where, you know, consent is really, uh, upheld and respected. So I really think that’s a big part of what cuddle parties are about. Um, at some point, you know, ideally when everybody, um, arrives or whatever that point is, you know, that you say, okay, arrive by this time, then you start.

You know, sharing about here’s the boundaries of the container. Like we’re creating this container where there’s a start time and there’s a stop time. And, you know, here’s the rules like during these times, and here’s how we’re going to communicate with each other. And here’s our values, right? And so that’s, that’s really cool.

And that’s something that you can kind of extrapolate and create with a partner or partners. Right. And. And really be thoughtful about what kind of container do we want to create for each other, you know, it could be a container where you practice saying no on purpose. It could be a container where, you know, we’re just going to be light hearted and giggle and touch and be playful.

Um, and so container can look like a lot of things. Uh, the start and stop time. So you’re kind of creating boundaries, you know, like you’re containing something, there’s boundaries around it. So you consciously choose what boundaries do we want. Um, and then within those boundaries, how do we want to play?

You know, do we want to put on certain types of outfits? Um, Yeah. Do we want to do some kind of role play? Do we want to, you know, our containers cuddling on the couch and watching a movie until the movie is over, you know, um, it can be really simple too. So you’re, you’re already creating containers, um, in certain ways, maybe without even knowing it.

So, so anyways, though, this container is very specifically, you know, consent focused. And so it was cool to see some people opt out of touch at certain points. Um, And I think that that was super valuable, uh, for me to see. Um, I think it’s sort of a little bit brave, you know, to kind of be like, okay, uh, maybe I’m going to push myself out of my comfort zone and like experience some touch, um, for a short period.

And then I’m going to opt out and just kind of like tune in with my body and like what feels safe and okay for my body. Right. All of us have different health things that we’re going through. We have, you know, physical health. We have different mental health things and stressors that we’re going through.

We have different backgrounds, uh, trauma history. And, and so it’s also a great experience to receive a no from somebody. So at one point I had asked somebody who was kind of opting out. I wanted to make sure, you know, how I am. I wanted to make sure everyone felt included. Um, and. You know, uh, and this person was like, no, I’m good.

And I was like, okay, great. I love that for you, that you’re just kind of, um, honoring what feels right. So receiving an no is also important. Um, and, and yeah, and, and I will say, so some of the other questions were, you know, what exactly happens? Um, so a lot of people were like lounging around, um, you know, limbs were kind of like casually draped over other people.

Uh, a lot of like legs crossed over other legs. You know, arms reaching out to other people. Um, there wasn’t, at least at the one I went to, there wasn’t a ton of people getting up and moving and changing who they were cuddling with. Um, I would imagine that that might vary from one cuddle party to the next.

So, you know, don’t assume. Um, and also how it’s facilitated, you know, is it facilitated in a super chill way? Is there more structure to it? That kind of thing. So the other unique twist of the one that I went to, and this is, you know, all stuff that would be hopefully transparent. And in this case it was, um, in the description of the event, uh, there was a little kink portion of the event too.

And so that was something they disclosed. The king was still fully clothed. So they still kind of were honoring the container of the cuddle party in that way. Um, but. It was an opportunity for people to have a discussion. So the one I went to really included a thoughtful discussion about existential kink, um, which is kind of this idea that we, uh, want to feel pain sometimes, or we want to feel.

Mean sometimes or we want to struggle. Um, and I think that’s something in our daily lives. And this is part of why I’m fascinated with kink in general, because I think it’s so, uh, there’s kind of like a subversiveness and are reclaiming of parts that we typically push away, but are still part of us. Um, so there’s a lot of shadow work there and a lot of healing that can happen there.

And so we explored that. So it was a really great conversation about, you know, yeah, where do we actually want these things that we’re maybe like complaining about in our lives? Um, and can we own that part of ourselves and be curious about that part of ourselves and befriend that part of ourselves? Um, and so it really dovetailed so nicely with the internal family systems work that I do because we talk in IFS.

About exiled parts. Right. And a lot of times what happens is when we exile and banish certain parts of ourselves. Um, then we have all these protectors to kind of keep that exile at bay so that we don’t have to like, look at our shadow basically. And so this is sort of like, uh, how can we safely look at our shadow and how can we do some healing there?

And so I love that. Love that. Um, and I hope to do a future episode on existential kink where we’ll get into that more. Another reason for you to follow the show. Um, but, uh, yeah, so that was a part of it too. And it was super, super voluntary. People could kind of decide if they want to participate, um, in that part or not.

There was some, you know, like light flogging involved and, um, these really. Soft fathers actually. Um, it’s just, it’s sensation play. It can be sort of, uh, people wanting intensity and kind of owning that, um, people wanting to surrender control. Um, and so that was kind of cool too. So there was, you know, there was different portions kind of of the evening.

At the end, people were chatting a little bit. People were, you know, huggy and affectionate. And that was nice. Um, and asking like, Oh, can I hug you? Or do you want to hug, you know? And, um, that can even be a way that you incorporate some of this into your life. Um, it’s just asking a little bit more, right?

Like, Hey, can I do this? Um, and in the episode coming up with Benny Martin, we’re going to talk about that to you of like how you can kind of formalize that. And, and that’s something I’ve been incorporating with clients, um, as well, which is so powerful because, um, that consent and that asking, like when we’re the one asking, we can get in tune with our desire and when we’re the one receiving, we can get in tune, uh, with our boundaries and our ability to kind of state them.

Um, so there’s a lot of power in that, uh, and a lot of. Okay. Again, creating that safe container, because once you create the safe container, like I don’t, I don’t think I can drive this home enough. The sky’s the limit, you know, like when you feel safe and comfortable and then you can start feeling more and more free to be yourself and to, um, Express your sexuality authentically and fully and to be curious and to notice what’s in your shadows and to bring some of it out of the shadows.

Um, it’s a beautiful thing, and I think it really helps us to be more whole and more connected and more secure in ourselves. So on that note. Go check out a cuddle party or try something else new. Let me know if you do. Leave me a voice memo, um, on the podcast page. Uh, and thank you guys all so much for listening.

I will catch you next

Monday. Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk Guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk.

Again that’s heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.