Hey everybody, welcome to another episode. We are going to talk today about, are you just horny or are you a sex addict? Because I’ve had several people, potential clients, friends, existing clients, all kind So, I think something is wrong with their sexuality when I haven’t actually found that there’s a problem.

And at the same time, I’ve had more and more people who actually have a problem with sex addiction or with out of control sexual behavior reaching out to me. So this is something a lot of people are dealing with. So if it’s a question you’re having, I just want you to know you’re not alone. There is help and support out there.

We’ll be talking about a few of the different options. And then I also want to refer you guys back to one of our previous episodes, episode 49 with J. K. Amazy, where we talked about from porn addiction to personal empowerment. So we’ll link to that one in the show notes as well. All right. So thank you guys, first of all, for listening.

If you’re not already following the show, please go ahead and click the follow button in whatever podcast app you’re listening to. That helps us show up higher, especially on the Apple podcast charts. And get seen by more people and spread the message of, you know, sex positivity and sex education and kind of questioning the narratives that we’ve been handed and really figuring out what works for us authentically when it comes to sexuality.

So thank you for that and for your support for the show. So I want to start by talking about a little bit of controversy about this topic. So when I got trained, I’m a certified sex therapist that’s done through ASECT, which is the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists.

So they certify mental health therapists, medical professionals, which they refer to as counselors, and then educators. So whatever kind of, you know, platform you have, if you’re a sex educator, that’s also something you can pursue. And then there’s also a credential called Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and they have a little bit of a different approach.

So just to be kind of clear off the bat, I am not a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. I don’t feel qualified to speak too much on that. But I do know that they view it as sex addiction, whereas a lot of asex Teaching and the teaching programs and education programs approved by ASECT focus on something called out of control sexual behavior.

And so part of the idea with that is that the sex addiction thing was very stigmatized and that they didn’t feel that, you know, addiction was like the criteria of addiction, which by the way, It’s not a word that’s in a diagnosis, we talk about like alcoholic or addict, but the actual diagnosis would be like a substance abuse disorder.

So, realize that also, a lot of these words are made up, they’re just words. Personally, I’m a fan of not smacking people with labels. I’m a fan of Not overemphasizing a diagnosis, but I also think it’s really important to recognize a pattern of behavior, a pattern of thinking that isn’t serving you, and diagnosing can help do that.

So, I don’t have an all or nothing approach about it. I work as a coach, as many of you know, and so I don’t tend to diagnose. So for me, what I’ve noticed, though, is people typically self identify as a sex addict or a porn addict. And so I tend to just use the words that my clients are comfortable with. My thought is sort of, I don’t really care what we call it.

Let’s just help you. You know, so I just want to say that up front, depending on who you talk to or what information you’re consuming, you might find very divergent opinions on that. Okay, the other thing I wanted to talk about is When you’re not actually a sex addict and when you just have a high sex drive, I think that that can also get a bad rap.

You know, we’ve probably spent more time talking about low libido. I think that’s something that often gets like treated more. You don’t really see any like treatment for just high libido. And I think that’s partially because nothing’s wrong with it. Nothing’s wrong either way. And in fact, I find that people who are physically pretty healthy, who work out a lot, who spend time outside, who have low levels of inflammation, who have good mental health tend to have pretty high sex drives.

So if you’ve been Pathologizing yourself and like giving yourself a hard time for having a high sex drive. Just know that that doesn’t mean inherently that something is wrong with you, right? And sometimes this can play into our partnerships, right? Or relationships intimately where your partner might be saying.

Oh, you, you know, you masturbate too much or you shouldn’t be watching porn or something’s wrong with you that you want sex, like, you know, three times a day. And I’m not saying that three times a day is not a lot. That’s a lot, but we don’t have to make it wrong, right? And if you’re finding healthy ways to work with your high sex drive, there’s not an issue.

Right? Part of the issue comes in when we are shaming and stigmatizing ourselves. And a lot of times that comes from the messages we’re getting from society. So, just notice that for yourself, if this is a question that you’ve been wondering about, or something you’ve been wondering about your partner, to notice, is there some shame and stigma coming into play?

Is there self judgment? Where we start getting into, you know, more addictive behaviors and compulsive behaviors is when it becomes a secret. I think that’s a big one, but it can be a slippery slope. So you might have thought, Oh, I feel fine. I have high sex drive, but you know, I masturbate, but I’m still productive at work.

And I still have friendships and I still have close relationships with my family. I still volunteer at my church and it’s fine, right? It’s just a part of who you are. And I think that’s important to keep in context too. It’s like even if you have a high sex drive and masturbate three times a day, that’s maybe half an hour of your day, right?

We don’t have to make that a big problem. So where it can become a problem is as I mentioned, when it starts interfering with other areas of your life, if it starts becoming something where because you are orgasming so much or Expressing your sexual energy in whatever way you are or touching yourself or watching porn.

There can be issues where you become maybe desensitized to in person sex. If you have a penis, there could be sort of a death grip on your penis that sometimes goes along with this type of behavior where you might feel like you need increasing stimulation either visually or physically to achieve the same desired effect.

So those are the main things we’re looking for. Like, is it interfering with your life? Is it interfering with your ability to function? We also would look at is it interfering with your relationship, but that, that can depend on your partner. If you have a partner who’s like, Ooh, let’s watch porn together.

I also have a high sex drive. It might not be an issue. And so I do want to say just because it’s an issue in your relationship. Is not the only indicator that we should go off of. So that’s important to realize. And I also feel like the issue of partners watching porn is another polarizing issue. Some people couldn’t care less and other people might feel like that’s basically cheating.

You know, like I’m really not okay with that. Like I’m here to connect with you sexually. Why would you be looking elsewhere? My personal opinion is that they’re two different things. I think masturbation and connecting with someone else sexually are very different. Masturbation can be time for ourselves, time to like tune in and connect to our own body, to tune in and connect to our own desires without having to think about someone else.

There might be fantasies we’re not comfortable sharing yet. There might be things we enjoy just as fantasies and don’t want to make them real that we can just kind of explore in our own mind. So there’s a lot of ways in which masturbation is just different. Even people who identify as asexual will masturbate somewhat frequently.

And that could be because it releases endorphins and feel other feel good hormones. Maybe it’s sort of a cleaning the pipes if you’re somebody with the penis where it just feels like there’s a physical need for release. So just knowing that, that there’s different needs that they fulfill, there are different types of expression, the issue kind of comes into play more where masturbation or compulsive behavior or addictive sexual behavior interfere where the person can’t perform or loses desire.

In person. So those are the things that you want to look out for. It’s like, okay, is this person, my partner not attracted to me anymore? Is it that they’ve already orgasmed twice today? And so they are not really up for around three because people do have a refractory period. Is it causing secret keeping and sneaky behavior in the relationship where, you know, maybe you’re out at your sales team meeting and, you know, hook up with one of the hot guys on your team and You know, don’t tell your partner.

That’s, you know, a thing. So notice that notice like where, where am I keeping secrets? If anywhere, where am I feeling some, you know, shame or stigma? Where is it interfering with my life and other ways? And where is it actually not? It’s maybe someone else’s just kind of shaming me or projecting their own beliefs onto me that don’t fit.

And I don’t have to take those on. I also want to talk about a few common Patterns with sex addiction are kind of almost like, uh, things that might make someone more likely to have compulsive sexual behavior. So one of them is lack of sexual education. It’s part of what we’re trying to undo here on this podcast.

So educating yourself can be a good way to. Prevent that or if it’s already becoming an issue to kind of help calm the behavior and de stigmatize and de shame. So education can be super powerful for that. There can be a higher likelihood of sexual trauma in the history. So if you know there’s been any kind of abuse or trauma related to sexuality.

That could be a precipitating factor, basically, where you want to take a look at that and get some support. So one of the methods I do that I talk about on here is internal family systems. It’s a great method for trauma. I’m a big fan of, you know, hypnosis. EMDR didn’t personally work for me, but I think it’s a great method.

And so many people swear by it. But the common pattern here is that all of these methods kind of get at the unconscious or get at the physical somatic level where we kind of store emotions and memories and energy, you know, that could be holding us back. Uh, I’m also a big fan of energy healing. So there’s so many ways to approach this.

Obviously, sex therapy is one of them or I wouldn’t be here talking about it, but choose your own adventure. Like you really need to find the path that feels right and works for you. Even just developing awesome skill and mindfulness, you know, I’ve, I’ve taken many classes through Buddhist centers on mindfulness and working with your own mind and so that can be a really powerful way as well.

I also wanted to mention that certain of us. Such as my fellow ADHD years, we’re a little bit more impulsive, right? We can be a little bit more likely to just like go for it. And that can serve us so well in other areas of life where many people are held back or kind of afraid to take a leap. We might just be like, here we go.

Jump in. Taking that leap, whether it’s into entrepreneurship or skydiving or whatever it is that you’re into, but that’s something to just know about yourself and know how to work with your own impulsivity and, you know, do therapy or practice meditation to kind of train your brain into having more self control and to.

kind of putting a pause in between an urge and acting on something. So that can be really helpful as well. And then as I mentioned, you know, a lot of times it’s very physically healthy people who have a high sex drive, right? You have great circulation, your body is like well nourished, you’re sleeping well, you’re fulfilled, you know, by your life in general, there’s no major diseases.

And so if that’s you, there’s a good chance that you are going to have a high sex drive. That is a factor, but that alone is not going to be the only thing that makes somebody a sex addict or somebody with compulsive sexual behavior. The key here is shame. So it’s like if you have a high sex drive and your relationship to your sexuality, to your high sex drive is a negative one, that’s going to make you much more likely.

And so this kind of goes into the importance of self acceptance, the importance of education, the importance of working with You’re natural tendencies, finding healthy outlets. Maybe it is exercise to kind of get some of those hormones out. Maybe it is putting more effort into nurturing a sexual connection that you already have and learning, you know, Hey, what’s hitting the brakes for my partner and how can I help remove some of those limitations so that we’re connecting sexually more and I’m getting more of my sexual needs met that way.

There’s also the potential of opening up your relationship. You know, Both partners are kind of like especially healthy and communicate and have an emotional intimacy and that type of thing. And there’s just a mismatch and sex drive. And if you would agree to open your relationship, that’s another way to have that need met that feels okay and ethical to people.

That’s the key though. It needs to feel good to both people, but that’s a possibility. And. You know, a lot of times the shame and stigma can come from how we were brought up, whether it’s religion, school, family, community. So if we are brought up more conservatively, we’re often not getting the education that we would really like to have in terms of sexuality that would benefit us and remove that shame and stigma.

Obviously, if you’re listening to this podcast, you’re remedying that already, so that’s awesome. But that can lead to the shame and stigma as well, which can. Push you in more of a addictive compulsive direction. So those are some of the common patterns. I also want to be clear here. I am not demonizing porn.

I am a fan of sex workers. I think that there’s so much positive there. The research on porn is that, you know, on average, it tends to enhance someone’s sexuality. But I really view it similarly to alcohol where like if you’re able to be moderate and it’s just like one element where maybe you get sex ideas or maybe you figure out things you’re into or maybe it’s just a way for you to get off, but you’re still very much able to enjoy and appreciate, you know, in real life sex and connection.

Great. Right. And I think most people are going to fall into that camp. That’s not everyone. Right. And for some people, it’s just going to be You know, the dopamine centers of your brain, it’s almost like too much or too exciting. And as I mentioned before, with sort of the, the death grip that can happen on the penis or just kind of escalating in terms of the type of porn that you’re watching, or even, you know, if you’re a vulva owner, maybe the type of toys or the intensity of, you know, vibration on your vibrator can really apply regardless of gender and genitalia.

But just to notice that. How am I relating to any kind of sexual stimuli? You know, I’m using the word porn, which we tend to associate with videos, but it can be live cam girls or cam guys or cam people. It can be in person sex workers. It can be, you know, someone you’re meeting off the apps. It can be just texting or sexting on the apps and exchanging pictures.

So there’s so many different forms that this can take and That also leads me into, you know, these are things to discuss with your partner. If you’re listening to this and you and your partner have not defined your agreement in terms of porn, in terms of interactive, you know, live cam sex worker streaming stuff like, you know, or of OnlyFans or of using dating apps or sex apps in particular.

And then they even have the AI ones now. So like, There’s a lot of options, and so it’s important to define, like, what’s on the table, what’s off the table, what do you want to share with each other, what do you want to keep private, and kind of just be like, hey, I’m fine if you do these things, but kind of like, don’t ask, don’t tell.

So you decide your own boundaries with that. One of the other things to be mindful of, too, with compulsive sexual behavior or addictive behavior, is that this can escalate into more risky behavior. So, if you have a high drive, if you have something you’re really wanting to explore sexually, and you’ve got that shame and stigma, oftentimes, you know, substances can get involved.

I had a couple clients inspire me earlier in my career where substances were involved, and it really made me realize how important Sex therapy is because we need to be able to have a safe space where it’s not stigmatized and it’s not judged to just lay it all out. Like, hey, this is what I’m into. This is who I’m into.

This is who I think I might be in terms of gender orientation to just have that container. I think is so important because otherwise. These kind of dangerous behaviors can happen where people are, you know, blacking out, consent is not given. There could be more sexual trauma, there could be violence. And so that’s why, that’s why it’s important to do this work, to know yourself, to figure out what is healthy for you and to get rid of that shame and stigma.

So you can communicate with your partners openly and feel known and feel seen and understood on a sexual level. Okay, so some of the reasons why people might turn to addictive or compulsive sexual behavior, not surprisingly since this is a sex therapy podcast, are deeper reasons, right? It could be seeking validation.

It could be someone hasn’t had a lot of sex partners or hasn’t really felt confident in their attractiveness. And that can be a motivating factor just to think, Oh, this person is interested in me. Oh, this person like sees the good in me. Or maybe, you know, someone you’re talking to online is validating you in a way that your spouse doesn’t.

I also hear a lot that it’s just managing stress, you know, and that might sound surprising, but But I think because of some of the excitement and some of the, you know, neurotransmitters and happy chemicals that are released with sex or with masturbation, that it can be a really effective kind of distraction and stress reliever.

The problem becomes when it becomes our only stress reliever or our main stress reliever and gets taken to an extreme. And then emotional dysregulation. So if it’s just like things are feeling topsy turvy and crazy, sex can definitely be an area where it kind of gets acted out as an attempt to kind of self soothe and regulate those emotions.

So let’s talk briefly, and I’m squeezing so much into this podcast episode. We’re just, I just want to touch on all the important Areas, important areas so that if this is something you’re struggling with, that you know you can reach out to me for help. You can reach out to several other options, which I’m gonna go over, and that you kind of have a sense of like how it all works, right?

How it all fits together, what the patterns are. So treatment options, and I’m gonna, I’m gonna be a little more advice than I usually am on some of these . So there’s 12 step groups. And there’s actually a bunch of different 12 step groups for sex. So I think there’s like a Sexaholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and they all have slightly different structures of what they consider to be abstinent or abstaining from the compulsive sexual behavior.

I believe Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous has a rule where you don’t have sex until the sixth date or after, and that’s kind of what they consider to be like not compulsive. And I think it’s interesting to even just consider that if you’re not partnered already, what comes up for you? Is it like, Oh, what if this person leaves me after three dates?

Okay, well, then there’s some scarcity mindset there that you need to work through. Right? Or like, Oh, what if this person then, you know, doesn’t want to commit because they haven’t been able to have sex with me? Okay, well, then that’s. important to look at. Like you maybe feel like your worth or your value is tied up in sex.

So I think there’s, there’s some helpful things there. I love the communal aspect of 12 steps. I also feel like it depends where you’re at, right? Some people get hung up on the God thing. I think you can kind of get over that and focus on the higher power instead of. You know, making it out to be a religious thing, but the word God is tossed out a lot.

And so that’s going to be tough for you to overcome. That’s something to think about. There’s also other programs like smart recovery where they treat different addictions and we shouldn’t say treat because they’re not like a medical treatment center, but they help support, you know, with different addictive behaviors and don’t use, you know, God or 12 steps.

So those are, there’s some options out there like that as well. And then, of course, sex therapy and even regular therapy, right? So some of these methods I mentioned, like EMDR, brain spotting, you know, sensory motor psychotherapy, somatic psychotherapy, internal family systems, EMDR, there’s all of these different techniques.

Hypnosis, I think I mentioned that one. So, All of these different techniques to help us get at these deeper layers. What I would suggest in general is to lean towards those ones I just mentioned, and not as much just the cognitive behavioral. I think that talking about our thoughts and our beliefs And our actions is absolutely helpful at times.

So helpful. But I think we need more than just that piece. So if you already have a talk therapist or a sex therapist that you can talk to who doesn’t do those methods, I’m not saying it’s like, get rid of that person. The relationship is really important. You want to pick a coach or therapist that you have a really good relationship with.

And Out of everything, you know, more so than treatment methods, that is what the research shows is the best indication of someone achieving their goals in therapy. So find someone you fit with. I recommend, you know, interviewing three or four people and then picking whoever you fit with best rather than just going with the first person.

Because otherwise we get excited and we kind of get like deflated and then we like don’t want to have to go through it again. So I would just say when you’re motivated at the beginning, line up a few free consultations. And then there are the sex addiction therapists and as I mentioned, I’m not one, so I don’t want to comment more, but they look at it more like, you know, it is a disease of addiction and they treat it as such.

I would say the certified sex therapists are going to be on average, again, everyone’s different, are going to be a little bit less, you know, hey, this is a disease and more like, let’s just look at the behavior and what’s going to work for you and some of the kind of the causal factors of the behavior.

And then there’s also treatment and rehab centers for sex addiction, right? So even though there’s some debate over, you know, is this a real addiction? It’s certainly an area where people have addictive and compulsive behavior, right? So I’ll say that. And if it has gotten to an extreme, that is an option as well.

If you’re listening to this and you’re like, this is ruining my life, I feel like I do need treatment or rehab. Feel free to reach out. I recently talked to a rehab center, so I’m happy to kind of put you in touch with places that do that. Keep in mind, a lot of those are going to do 12 steps, and so that might need to be a starting point.

I hope all of this information was helpful, whether this is something you feel like you might be struggling with, or your partner, or you’re kind of debating, like, is it just a high sex drive, or is it an addiction? I hope that this clears some things up for you. If anything was not clear, if you have questions, please feel free to reach out.

We have a podcast email address. Ask the sex therapist po*****@gm***.com. You can also leave me a voicemail on podcast website, which is heather shannon.co/podcast. And you can also DM me on Instagram. So my Instagram is at AskASexTherapist. So thanks everybody for listening and we will catch you next Monday.

Bye everybody. Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s heathershannon.

co forward slash dirty talk and be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist.