This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex I’m, heather shannon and in a world full of sexual censorship I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist

Hey everybody. And we are here with another episode. If you’re watching the video, you get to see my cat, CB, who is today’s guest. He is snuggling me. He might try to snuggle the microphone, so if you hear any weird noises, that’s what it is. CB is on the podcast. He’s very cute. Black and white tuxedo cat.

And if I sound muffled, it might be because I’m giving him snuggles. So this is our very first episode with a cat as a guest. Very fun. All right, so this is a listener Q& A episode, so we have, as per usual, some pretty interesting questions and we will dive into those. I do want to put out a few little announcements.

So one, I’m looking for an intern for the podcast, so If you or someone you know is 18 or over and would like to learn about sex therapy, sex education, how to run a podcast, some social media stuff, I’m looking for about 10 hours a week for three months and we’ll have a new intern each quarter. That’s the plan.

So I’d love to find somebody who can start by July. It’s the type of thing where even if you have another full time job, it’s only 10 hours a week. It can be done at any time of the day, very flexible. It is not a paid internship, but you will have access to me and to tens of thousand dollars worth of business courses that I have spent money on.

And it’s a great resume builder. And I’ll give you a great letter of recommendation. So that is announcement number one. Announcement number two, Ask a Sex Therapist officially has an app. So that’s pretty exciting. Right now we are waiting for the Apple app store to update a few things, but it’s currently in there as like Heather Shannon Sex Therapist.

So if you look up Heather Shannon in the app store, you’ll find it. We’re changing the name to Ask a Sex Therapist so it matches the podcast, but basically it is going to have my libido course is going to be in there, my emotional intelligence course, which is going to teach you about internal family systems more thoroughly and more in depth.

I’m always talking about it on here, but give you the tools and the terminology so you can start using it on your own. Or if you do look at the session with me or another IFS therapist or coach. You’ll be able to move a little bit more quickly and make more progress since you already know what’s up.

I’m also going to be adding a mindfulness course there and then there’s also going to be a podcasting course. So if you want to launch your own podcast and get the behind the scenes on like how I had a successful launch, despite having a modest kind of email and social media following to start, I’m giving away all my secrets.

There is no gatekeeping. And then this app is going to turn into our ask a sex therapist community. So at some point in the future, we are going to be having a membership and a community forum. And so I’m really excited to just make it very convenient and very accessible for you guys. Okay, third and last announcement.

I am launching a new group program. So this is going to be a support group for people who are in ethically non monogamous relationships. So if you are exploring non monogamy, if you’re like a veteran of non monogamy, whatever stage you’re in, it’s gaining a lot more acceptance. It can be a journey of who accepts my lifestyle, who can I be comfortable with and get support.

From without worrying that they’re going to, you know, judge me or judge this experience or tell me I should just be monogamous, right? So we’re going to have a topic of the week. We’re going to have sharing wins. We’re going to have time to ask each other for support. I am capping the size of these groups at 12 people per week.

It’s going to be a drop in group. Starting on July 24th, it’s going to be Wednesdays, 4 to 5 30 p. m. Eastern, so I will put a registration link at the top of the show notes. If that’s something you’re interested in, you’re not committed for an ongoing series. You just show up on the weeks that it works for you.

I know people get busy in the summer. It’s hard to sign up for a series of things and sequences. So just. Sign up for whatever week it works for you. So yeah, I’m really excited about that. It’s something that a few clients have been looking for, and I’ve looked for where do I refer them to, and where is there a group, and it’d be nice to have one led by a sex therapist, and I haven’t found a ton.

So I was like, well, I’ll just start one. So that is something that is happening in July. All right, so without further ado, let’s get into our sex questions. We have some interesting ones for you. This one is very, it’s very long, so I’m going to shorten it a little bit. So, this one says, Hi, I’m a 25 year old girl.

I’m still a virgin. I’ve never inserted anything in my vagina besides a finger. I’ve had a condition called vaginismus, which is a lot of pain with penetration. And also have moderate endometriosis, for which I’ve had three surgeries. I currently have an IUD. And for it, I’ve talked to some specialists and according to the doctors, nothing is actually wrong with my vagina.

Everything looks normal even with endometriosis. So the issue here is with this severe evangelism. She says, if I even try and touch my vagina opening, it hurts like hell sometimes. And the only time I’m able to achieve anything in terms of like orgasm or pleasure is if I’m comfortable and orgasm via clitoris, then there can be some little bit of Penetration, but not even like fully getting her finger in there.

And so it is also seems to be a hit or miss. Like there’s certain days where it works and there can be some kind of penetration and sometimes where it’s just not working. And so she mentioned, I now have developed extreme anxiety because I’m so worried that I’ll never find a boyfriend who will understand that vaginal sex is not possible, at least at this time.

I’ve lived with this condition for so long and I’ve tried to pretend like it doesn’t exist. Just how I ignored the endometriosis for 10 years and now I have scars from surgery as a result. But she’s feeling like the internal scars are much worse and there’s some really negative feelings about her vagina and the clitoral orgasms can be really fun, but she wants to be able to have intercourse or experience a toy and all of that just feels Not achievable.

And so she’s just looking for emotional support, clinical support, if possible. It just feels like the guidance from friends is not cutting it these days. So, vaginismus is a real thing, a lot of times this is something that needs to be treated by a pelvic floor physical therapist. So I’m noticing in what you wrote in that I’m not seeing anything mentioned about pelvic floor physical therapy, which given how many issues and surgeries you’ve had and the endometriosis and the vaginismus, I’m not sure why that hasn’t been recommended.

That to me is really a first line option for vaginismus. So the other important thing to know is that the anxiety you’re feeling tends to worsen vaginismus. So it’s like if you think about when we’re feeling anxious in general, it tends to show up as a tightness in our body. It tends to show up as contracting a tight chest, a lump in the throat.

There’s tension with it, right? And so our pelvic floor is muscles, right? So the vaginal opening is. Native muscles, right? And so obviously there’s other tissues there as well. But if those muscles are really tense, that is going to make it more difficult for any penetration to happen. Um, and so this is where some basic breathing can be really helpful.

This is for everyone, and I am not a pelvic floor physical therapist. This is just some basic educational information. If you do want more in depth, customized info, definitely find a pelvic floor physical therapist in your area and go get a customized treatment plan. But generally speaking, when we breathe as humans, which is all day, every day, we want to breathe in.

So we’re going to inhale and just notice how your body moves or doesn’t move when you inhale.

And then we’re going to exhale

and just notice that. Okay. So what. Ideally should be happening with natural breathing is that you inhale your belly expands, your belly button moves out, your pelvic floor relaxes and pushes down. And then when you just let go of the breath, you don’t have to push out, but you’re just letting the air fall out.

The belly naturally comes back in a little bit and the pelvic floor naturally comes up a little bit. So even just like practicing that kind of expansion and then release of the breath can be you. helpful for relaxation and relaxing that area specifically beyond that. There’s a type of therapy called dilator therapy, and basically the dilators are like little dildos.

They’re just smooth and they have all different sizes. And so the idea is that you practice with something that maybe is more like your pinky finger to start, and then maybe practice some of the breathing. And so this really is something where you should go get a customized treatment plan, but. There are pathways forward, right?

Like you do not have to have vaginismus for the rest of your life. And if for whatever reason, there’s not a pelvic floor physical therapist in your area, or it’s something that’s not affordable. I also know that the vagina rehab doctor has a podcast. She is a pelvic floor physical therapist. So you can check out her podcast.

You can check out her Instagram where she is really active. And she also offers courses that are much more affordable where she teaches some of this stuff in a group setting. Where you can do it from the privacy of your home and learn some of the skills that way. Okay, so thank you so much for that question.

And then the other piece I did want to acknowledge before we move on is the fear of not having a boyfriend. And I think that This is an area where I think people are a lot more accepting in general than we give them credit for. It’s like, if a person likes you, like, they will hang out while you work through your trauma history that’s interfering with the relationship.

People will hang out while you work through your avoidant attachment and learn how to be More open and feel safe being vulnerable and close in relationships. People will hang out if you need more time before you’re comfortable having sex, or if you’re not comfortable with intercourse and you’re just comfortable with outer course, right?

You mentioned being able to orgasm already. That is having sex, right? Playing with sexual energy is having sex. There’s not like a right or a wrong way to do it. There’s not like a better or worse. Our society has just told us pretty arbitrarily that intercourse is like the thing you’re supposed to do if you are a male and female partnership, right?

Why? I don’t know. The clitoris is the best way to orgasm for women. It could be there’s some patriarchal shit going on there where penetration might be what a guy likes, but some guys prefer oral sex, right? Some guys want anal sex. Some guys want to do mutual masturbation. And so there, I think we need to also just look at that.

Like there’s no right, wrong, good, better. I think there’s also some beliefs and some more conservative cultures or religious cultures where it’s like sex is just for procreation. And so if that’s a belief in the back of our mind, maybe we’re hung up on intercourse, but there’s really a lot more to it than that.

So I don’t think that, that a guy is going to run away just because of that. Are there some where that’s going to be a deal breaker? Yeah, for sure. But are there plenty where that’s not going to be a deal breaker? Yes. So that would be my advice is find someone who’s okay doing other sexual activities and will be patient and maybe even help you with your dilator therapy or other exercises.

And I think you can build a really strong sense of connection and safety that way and then eventually become ready for intercourse. So good luck with that and for that question. Okay. So here is one. This one was funny. So people have been submitting these through my website, by the way. So if you want to submit an anonymous sex question, I’m going to start doing these episodes every month.

So just go to the footer of my website and you’ll see, ask a sex question, click on that link, submit it. It’s totally anonymous, meaning I cannot reply to you to get more information. So make sure you put enough information in there that I know what you’re talking about and can answer the question. Okay, the whole question is describe your deepest guilty pleasure.

I don’t have a ton I feel like. Maybe crashy reality dating shows. I’m currently watching What is it? It’s like Alone or Afraid of, Naked and Afraid of Love is the one that I’m currently watching And I’ve also been watching season two of Perfect Match on Netflix. And so I’m having fun with those I’ve actually thought about, uh, I’m like, I should create some content out of these.

I have lots of observations while I’m watching them that might be entertaining to people and educational. You know, when it comes to sex, I’ve talked about this on some other episodes. I’ve done a decent amount of work to work through my own sort of shame, stigma, guilt, discomfort about anything that I’m interested in.

And so. And I want to say there’s a lot of freedom in that when you let go of the guilt, right? And then it just gets to be joyous, freedom, pleasure. And so there’s things that I can engage in now and feel actual joy. Whereas in the past, I might have felt like weird about it or shameful about it, or like I didn’t want to tell anybody about it, or like something maybe was like weird about me, or it’s like, Oh, I’m not so sure about this.

And so that’s, I don’t know if that’s maybe what the question was getting at. I think what really helps with getting to that level of comfort is finding a safe space where you can talk about it. So whether it’s your current therapist, whether it’s finding a specialized sex therapist or coach, whether it’s even just like listening to podcasts like this and chatting about it with a friend, there’s so many options.

I particularly love internal family systems. I think that a lot of our sexual desires still exist in the shadows and those are called exiled parts, right? So parts that maybe feel shame, feel failure, feel not good enough, can be pretty unconscious and create a lot of dynamics in our life that don’t feel great.

And there’s this awesome book. I’m trying to get the author on the podcast. I emailed her once. We’re going to try again. But if anyone knows her, please help. The book is called Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott. I think she goes by Carolyn Lovewell now. But this is another way for doing some like shadow work where we look at that shadowy area of our life where it’s like a little bit more stigma and a little bit more shame and we’re like, Interesting.

Well, if this is a pattern in my sex life, if this is a pattern of my life in general, what if I let myself find this sort of like kinky subversive joy in this? You’ve probably heard the phrase like, Oh yeah, I got, I got a shame boner or so and so got a shame boner. And it speaks to, it’s a silly phrase, but it speaks to this idea that we can enjoy shame.

We can be turned on by something and feel shame at the same time. And so it’s leaning into the idea that, huh, does some part of me like this struggle? Does some part of me like, A feeling of scarcity or loneliness or not trusting and feeling like I have to do everything myself in life. So it can be, really empowering to acknowledge and validate and befriend these parts of ourself that we generally try to.

Avoid. It’s almost like our number one life goal sometimes is to like avoid these and we do things like I’m going to keep myself busy and I’m going to make sure I see friends enough and I’m going to go to therapy and I’m going to do my affirmations and, and it’s kind of like, okay, great. And that didn’t do anything.

The part’s still there, right? We’ve got to befriend it. We’ve got to lean into it and make this part feel safe. And we do that from our self energy, which is. Expansive, infinite, spacious, warm, playful, knowing, wise, right? And this is not an official announcement, but I do want to have an IFS workshop for you guys where we can just do some general IFS training so that you’ll get even more out of these podcast episodes, more out of your coaching work, whether it’s with me or someone else.

And we’ll talk about some resources too that you can use on your own with IFS. Okay, so thank you for that question. I think that was the first official question I got about myself. So you are welcome to do that. I can’t guarantee I’m going to answer all of them, but you are allowed to ask questions about me.

Okay, so this question. Next question. I wasn’t sure what the person meant by this exactly. But we’re going to do our best. Okay. So this one says my husband and I don’t have sexual intimacy. He does have ED, erectile dysfunction, but he does shots once in a while, but it’s just for play. I’m not sure what that’s referring to.

I’ve noticed that he has semen in his underwear. I’m very frustrated and want to have sex. Okay. So, bottom line, husband has ED, you’re wanting to have sex, feeling frustrated, wondering what’s up with the semen in his underwear, and feeling like, it sounds like you’re suspecting or feeling like, hmm, is he getting off in some other way, what’s going on with that?

So, my main advice here would be, you gotta talk to him, right? We can sit here and guess at, like, what is going on, why is there semen in his underwear, and I’m assuming you either picked his underwear up off the floor or you’re doing laundry and his underwear was in the laundry. So yeah, so the lack of direct communication is issue number one.

Issue number two that I’m picking up on is maybe assuming that if he has orgasmed, maybe just assuming he’s orgasmed, maybe it was some pre con, maybe he got turned on and Nothing happened. I don’t know, but people sometimes feel more comfortable with themselves. I think, especially maybe if, if erectile dysfunction is involved, he might feel like, okay, well, I don’t want the pressure of having to perform for my partner.

I’m worried about disappointing them. I am worried about feeling like a failure. Like, like we just talked about with the last question. It’s like, we tend to avoid shame, failure, et cetera, at all costs. So it might just feel emotionally safer for him to masturbate or look at porn where there’s no chance of rejection.

So if that’s the case, when you talk to him about this, to really think about how can I be a safe space for him? How can I make it okay for him to try and to know that whether or not he erection, I’m good and I’m going to appreciate his trying and I’m going to appreciate that we can still play together, right?

It’s like you don’t need a hard penis to have a fun, sexy time, right? There’s oral sex, there’s toys, there’s clitoral stimulation with a hand, with a tongue, with a toy. There’s anal play, there’s kissing, there’s cuddling naked. So I think if you really create this whole like smorgasbord of things that are fun and sexy that don’t require an erection, and if you’re able to create that safe container, Where he can try and know that you’re going to appreciate him regardless of the result.

I think you might have some more success. And then on the medical side of things, inflammation tends to be linked to ED, diabetes tends to be linked to anxiety, being in your head tends to be linked to ED. So you know, I’m not sure what shots he’s doing. It sounds like maybe it’s testosterone shot. Maybe it’s a specific shot that addresses erections, but to just take a holistic approach with that I think would be really helpful.

Okay. So thank you for that question. Okay, in this one, this is almost like the flip side, this actually is the flip side of the question we just answered, so interesting. Okay, so this person says, I’m in my late 30s and have very confusing libido issues. I have an active libido, but I’m only interested in masturbating and don’t often find myself wanting to have sex with my husband.

When I do have sex, I have to have elaborate inner fantasies to orgasm. I’m still very much attracted to my husband and he’s always part of the fantasies. But I can’t seem to connect sexually outside of my own head. How do I figure out what’s going on with me? Yeah, I really appreciate this question and kind of the nuances here in this question.

So you’re married. You think your husband’s a little haughty. You still have a libido. It sounds like the interest is there in sex. And it’s sounding like, from what you’re saying, it sounds implied that in the past. You have wanted to be more physical with him. I don’t know if that’s true or not. Feel free to reach back out if it’s not.

But yeah, so the libido is there, masturbating is there. So again, some of the stuff I just said, I think would also apply to this question. So Questions to ask yourself. Do you feel emotionally safe with your husband? This is a question we forget to ask a lot. I think there’s a lot of focus with like the Me Too movement and the awareness of consent, which you all know I’m a big proponent of, on physical safety.

But I don’t think there’s as much focus on the emotional safety. And that is a huge like libido killer and sex killer. And I think I talk about that in the five sex blockers episode that I recorded recently. So check that out if you haven’t. But what I would say here is to think about like, okay, you think he’s cute, but you’re worried he’s going to judge you or you think he’s sexy or attracted to him, but you feel like you’re his third priority instead of his first priority.

You think he’s attracted, but you also feel like he’s been talking to someone at work. So those would be flirting with someone at work. So those would all just be examples where the attraction could be there, but the sense of safety is not there. So having a secure attachment with the person that we’re having sex with, meaning like You trust that they’re going to probably be there the next day.

You trust that they’re going to like check back in with you. You care about them. You trust that they care about you. You feel like you can be yourself and be free to express yourself sexually and, and not worry about being judged or ridiculed or shamed in any way. You feel like the emotional intimacy is there in the relationship and not just like, well, we talk to each other pretty poorly.

We fight a lot, but he’s still cute, right? Because sometimes we just have this kind of unreasonable, I think, expectation where we should just be into it. And so it could be something like that going on. So ask yourself those questions. It’s interesting. So it sounds like when you’re by yourself, it sounds like it’s pretty easy to orgasm.

I think the fact that you’re not wanting to have sex with your husband is interesting. And when you do, you’re having the elaborate inner fantasies. That makes sense to me, those two going together, because if you’re not really wanting to do it, but then you do it anyways, your brain is looking for a way to escape.

And so rather than being present with your husband, you get to be with this imaginary fantasy part of him, right? Because. Guess who’s in control of the fantasy husband? You are. And the fantasy husband probably doesn’t judge or shame or flirt with a co worker or do anything else that would make you feel emotionally unsafe.

You probably feel so secure and comfortable with the fantasy husband, right? Because he’s in your mind. So In order to connect sexually outside of your own head, that would be my advice, is like, really address what’s going on in the relationship. And how do you know? You tune into your feelings. And this is why emotions are so important.

They don’t have to be logical on that level. They might not make sense, but they’re giving us really important information. So Did your husband make a comment five years ago and you felt judged and now you like can’t share a certain part of yourself with him? Or did you like share a fantasy with him one time and he was like, Oh, that’s weird.

And then you’re like, okay, shutting that part down. So just notice what is the emotion there? Right? Do you feel tense? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel like you want to just hide from him in some way? Has he made comments about your body that make you feel a certain way? Is it just how you feel with your, maybe he’s a freaking saint and a great communicator and been nothing but supportive and you just feel like, Oh my God, I can’t, I feel so horrible about my body.

I can’t have anyone look at my body. Oh my gosh, he’s looking, he’s probably thinking this, a coverup, that could be going on. So again, the emotions don’t have to make sense. It might not be based on anything he said or did. It might just be based on your own self talk, right? And the culture we live in, it also leads to shame, stigma, body shaming, fat phobia, all the things.

So your ultimate question is how do I figure out what’s going on with me? And I think it just got, has to start with that self inquiry. And if this is something that you still feel stuck on or don’t feel like you can work through with him, I would definitely reach out to a sex therapist, right? Somebody who can help you with a coach or a therapist, but somebody who definitely has some.

Deeper psychological training to get at some of this stuff. But yeah, really great question. I think just the fact that you’re asking the question is a really good first step. But yeah, we’re complex as human beings and relationships are complex because you’ve Got two human beings, sometimes more, that you’re sticking together and trying to figure things out.

So thank you again so much for the questions. This episode has gone a little bit longer than I intended, but I hope that this was helpful for you guys. And I will catch you next Monday. Bye

everybody. Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom?

Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk Guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. Again that’s heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.