This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist.

Hello. Hello. We are doing a listener Q and a episode today, and I’m excited, but I have a bunch of announcements. I’m going to go through them quickly. The first one is I’m so excited because. Ask a Sex Therapist is officially in the top 1 percent of all podcasts globally. So thank you guys for making that happen.

Thank you for your ratings and reviews and follows and spreading the word and letting me know when an episode resonates with you. This was my goal. This was my goal to hit the top 1 percent for the beginning. And we got stuck at one and a half for a while. It doesn’t roll off the tongue as well. So I was just very excited for this milestone.

So thank you guys. Also, I think I mentioned in the last episode that there would be an ask a sex therapist app. So. The app was renamed properly. There’s lots of little tech things I’m working on in the background. So if you go to the app store on an iPhone and you put in ask a sex therapist, you’ll find it.

And there’s a free offer there for the intimacy audit mini course, if you want to get started on that. So I’m really excited to have the app. We’re going to do lots of cool things in the future. So. Get on there now and we’ll get more courses on there. We’ve got a community going on there. Eventually I’d love to have a membership and just a sex positive community.

So yeah, so go find that. And then I have a new E N M which stands for ethically non monogamous support group starting on July 24th. So this came about because a couple of clients. Had mentioned, you know, hey, I am looking for something like this. And all they really have are like meetups, but it’s not really like a coaching or therapeutic experience.

And I know a lot of those kind of turn into just trying to meet other partners rather than like processing what’s coming up for you. So this is going to be a group coaching. Situation where I will actually be coaching people and we’ll have a topic each week and there’s no ongoing commitment. So I know people are really busy, especially when they do have multiple partners.

So this is going to be on Wednesdays and just attend as you’re able and when it feels important for you and when maybe the topic we’re doing resonates. So if you’re curious about that, I will put the registration link in the show notes. And then lastly, I just put another shout out there that we are looking for a podcast intern for Q3.

So if you are curious about that and just, you know, want some experience with podcasting, maybe you want to start your own, maybe you’re curious about sex education and want to learn a little bit more about that. This would be a great opportunity for you. So there will be links for all of these announcements in the show notes if you want to find out more.

Okay, so without further ado, we’re going to get into the Q& A. I don’t like rehearse these questions ahead of time. I don’t know what I’m going to say until it comes out of my mouth. And I’m not even sure which questions I’m picking. So I mean, let me go to my list of questions here. And okay, this was a very thoughtful one.

So I’m going to start with this one. It says, Hi, Heather. I’m a recent listener to your podcast and have been appreciating learning more. My question is this, what’s the best way to initiate conversation with my spouse about sexual behaviors I’m worried about without him feeling judged or quickly going defensive and shutting down?

For context, my husband uses porn moderately, but he is having a hard time connecting with me sexually without using porn during our own intimate time. He assures me that he loves me, is attracted to me, wants me. He says it’s not even about the woman on the screen, but it seems like he needs porn to get hard.

And this makes me feel really sad and rejected as if sex is not about connecting with or enjoying me, but only about reacting to the screen. I’m, like, feeling the sadness as I’m reading this. I’m thinking using porn as a tool together wouldn’t bother me so much if it didn’t feel like it is the only way he can get a card.

I fear his porn use has desensitized him to reality, but how can I bring this up well? I haven’t always reacted well to his porn use in the past before I did more research about it myself. And so I don’t want my husband to feel like I’m attacking him, but I do want better conversation. And for him to realize his need for help, if he really does need help and for him to be able to enjoy our sexy times together without relying on porn.

I hope that makes sense. Thank you. Okay, so thank you for this very thoughtful message. So there’s a few things in here that I think are worth visiting. First of all, I love that you’re kind of owning that you haven’t always reacted well in the past and that you’re really trying to come from a non judgmental place and that it sounds like you did some research about it and kind of educated yourself.

So like, Winning. Winning, winning there. So give yourself a pat on the back. Even that you’re like writing to me and like, how can I do this in a healthy way like that? You know, most people , most people are not doing that. So again, give yourself some credit there. Okay. And then. The part here where it is sounding like he needs this from what you’re saying, obviously, I’m only getting one side of the story, but we’re just going to roll with that.

So he needs it to get hard. So there’s a couple things to know about that. Like one is we can orgasm and we can get aroused in different ways, but Our brain has sort of these neural pathways and I, I kind of liken it to like a record player, like an old school vinyl record player where it’s like the record has grooves in it, right?

And so like you put the little needle of the record player in the groove and like that’s the song it’s going to play, right? It’s like on that track and it’s going to stay in that groove. And often what happens when we’re trying to change a behavior, whether it’s with sex or something else, to be fully honest, this applies kind of to all behavior change.

It’s kind of like we’re picking up the needle of the record player and we’re moving it over and we’re trying to play a different track and that needle just kind of gravitates back towards the old track. And then we kind of got to pick it up again and move it over to another track. And then it kind of gravitates over.

But if we keep doing that, like as a practice where we keep picking up the needle of the record player and moving it over to a different groove in the vinyl, eventually that’s going to become a new neural pathway. But what does that require? Presence, awareness, not beating ourselves up every time we have to kind of.

Redo the habit or move that needle of the record player. And I think in the case of you and your husband, my guess is that he wants to make sure he’s hard for you and he knows this is the way to do it. And so he feels like without the porn, he might not get hard. He might have to face some embarrassment.

He might have to face the fact that you’re feeling disappointed. And so I would explore it with him in that context. You know, like what does he need to feel almost like safe to fail? Right. I actually think this is kind of important. So I’m glad you asked this question because this, this comes up a decent amount and recently I took an improv class and that can be something that like it’s totally unrelated to sex.

Right. But it’s something where people can be afraid to fail. And so the first thing they do in the class is like. And you might feel uncomfortable and you might not be able to think of something on the spot and then we’re just going to be like, Ah, I messed up. Hilarious. You know, we’re going to laugh at that and we’re going to make it not a big deal and like part of the fun.

And so I’m curious about that. And so I would encourage you to get curious about that in your communication with him. And I would approach it and just be like, Hey, I know we’ve talked about porn before, you know, I haven’t always. React in the best way and I just kind of want to own that, that that was like a me issue and not a you issue.

I don’t have a problem with porn per se. I think it’s just the fact that it seems like you need it every time. That makes me feel like we’re not able to connect and like you’re maybe a little more present with the porn than you are with me. And that’s not an attack. It’s just like kind of what I’m observing.

What do you think? You know, I would kind of then open it up to him and see how he’s feeling about it. And then I would say, like, I want you to feel comfortable talking about this stuff with me. Like, what can I do to, like, help you feel comfortable? You know, and he might say, like, well, I just need to know you’re not going to, like, condemn me for it.

Or I just need to know that if we stop using it, and I’m not hard, that you’re not gonna, you know, laugh at me or leave the room or give up on our sex life. And maybe, so maybe you do something like alternating. You know, maybe you kind of have like, okay, sometimes we’ll use porn and we know you’re going to get hard.

And other times we’re going to put some effort into rebuilding a different neural pathway. And maybe those other times you don’t even try to have intercourse, maybe it’s about something else. And maybe it’s not so pressured, you know, for him to be hard then. Maybe he winds up getting hard, right? If he’s going down on you or if you guys are just like fondling or if you’re doing naked massages or if you’re going down on him or giving him a hand job, you know, like there’s so many.

There’s so many options. I would just say, like, play with stuff, open up the sexual repertoire, would be sort of my advice. And it sounds like that’s what you’re wanting to do. I think he’s, I think there does need to be some communication here about it first. So, I hope that’s helpful. I do also have some episodes specifically about sexual communication.

So episode two is the real reason we’re not talking about sex. So that would be a good one to check out. And then I have a more recent one that’s about like how to talk about sex sensitively and with, you know, compassion. And that could be a great one to check out too. So I hope that helps. And thank you for the thoughtful question.

All right, so let’s move on to another question. Okay, so I actually got, I got two really short questions also related to porn. So like, I’m, I’m also just hearing that like a lot of you guys are struggling with this. You know, one was an email to me through the website that was just, can’t stop watching porn.

That was the whole email. And then someone in my broadcast channel on Instagram said, I’m a sex addict and this is a problem, but I love it. So I’m also going to refer you guys to some of my other episodes. So episode 81 is about sex addiction and high libido. And I’m going to link to all these other episodes in the show notes so you don’t have to go like digging for them.

And then episode 49 is about porn addiction. So the interesting thing though, about the one statement, I’m a sex addict. It’s a problem, but I love it. If you’re loving it, it’s usually not addiction. And so I really would encourage you to listen to that episode about sex addiction versus high libido. So you can kind of understand like, what is the distinction there?

The other thing that I’ve been, I’ve been meaning to mention this book, and I might’ve mentioned it once, but Existential Kink, I think is a really interesting book. I’m trying to get the author on the show. If anyone knows Carolyn, please send her over. So. It talks about how part of us might hate something, but part of us might be secretly kind of like really into it and getting off on it.

And this is like life stuff. You know, it’s called existential kink because we’re kind of taking this idea of like subversive pleasure of kink in a sexual way and seeing how like, are we actually doing that, you know, in our lives? Are we actually degrading ourselves? Are we actually creating a bondage situation like energetically metaphorically in our life?

And so I think that could be a really interesting book to check out. For this particular issue. All right. So let’s get into our third question. This one is a quick question. So I had sex with my girlfriend in between the condom ripped. I pulled out immediately. However, I never came in her. Should I be worried?

Not too worried. It would be my answer. So, I mean, technically someone can get pregnant from pre cum, right? So, if you had not orgasmed or ejaculated, but there was some pre cum and the condom ripped, there is a small risk, right? She could do plan B, you know, she could just wait and see what happens. You know, this is also a situation where It depends on what state you live in, right?

So Florida now, where I live, had passed a six week abortion ban. So it’s like if someone doesn’t know within six weeks, you know, abortion is no longer an option. So depending on what state you live in, the level of urgency might depend. I would say this is going to be a pretty low probability. The other thing would be, is she ovulating, you know?

So hopefully she’s tracking her cycles. And she can see, is she in a fertile window or not? So, you know, if she’s not in a fertile window and it was just the pre con, and maybe it kind of stayed in the condo, maybe it didn’t, it’s going to be very low probability. However, if she’s in a fertile window, then, you know, she might want to be more cautious and take some kind of action.

And you guys might want to consider, you know, do we Use a backup birth control where it’s not just dependent on condoms. Can we use a second method? The other thing I will say about condoms ripping is sometimes that can be due to dryness, so make sure you’re using lube, right? I think it can be fairly common that a vagina owner can be pretty well naturally lubricated at the beginning, and then some of that can kind of dry up if you keep having sex for a while, if she’s not super hydrated.

Just depending on how her body is working, the time of the month and the hormones. So there’s, there’s a lot of things that can affect that. So do not be afraid to use lube. It will help prevent the condom from ripping. And then just make sure you’re using a kind of lube that’s compatible with the condoms you’re using.

You know, you can have a water based lube, a silicone based lube, or an oil based lube. Oil based lubes are generally not going to be compatible with latex condoms. So just keep that in mind, pick a lube that works with the condom, and think about a backup method and make sure she’s tracking her cycle.

Okay. So this one, let’s see, which one do I want to do next? Okay. This one I actually do want to cover. So this person says I came across social media posts and found that male masturbation is not advised. And also in your posts too. Is it because of the fault in male sexuality or does it involve double standards?

So first I want to clarify, I do not include this in my posts. I do not say that men should not masturbate. I never, never, never would say that because that’s not what I believe. However, I have also seen these posts on social media that talk about the idea of semen retention or just abstinence for men.

And so I do want to address those. So I think there’s some that are just like, Hey, Let’s abstain from masturbation altogether and just save ejaculating for intercourse with someone, or maybe other sexual activities. I guess it depends on your, your religious beliefs, why you’re doing this. If it’s more of an addiction issue, you know, everyone’s kind of got a different story with why they might abstain from masturbation.

So Keep that in mind. And then there’s also kind of the, the semen retention idea that men are going to have more energy. It’s kind of like if you’re just carelessly spilling your seed, as it were, all over the place, then you’re not really Maintaining your sexual energy. You’re releasing your sexual energy and you, you have heard me talk about, you know, sexual energy is life force energy.

So I can see the concepts that they’re getting at here is like, take care of your life force energy. Don’t just sort of like deplete yourself by masturbating and getting rid of that energy and having that be outside of your body. Instead, kind of guard that energy and keep that energy. It’s going to serve you well in so many other areas of life.

And so that’s a lot of the idea behind the semen retention. My personal feeling about it is do what works for you. Like, that’s generally my feeling about everything when it comes to sex, because I don’t care what you do. I don’t care if you masturbate 10 times a day. If it’s working for you, if you’re happy, if that’s your balance point, great.

Or I don’t care if you have semen retention and don’t come for a year. If that works for you and makes you happy, great. I think what we find is that like on either extreme, it tends not to work for people, right? And so you kind of have to find your sweet spot in between the extremes. Like what works for you and your body?

And if you’re not sure, maybe experiment, right? But I mean, what I hear from a lot of people in my field or people who have penises is that, you know, orgasming maybe once a week or so can be a sweet spot, you know, whether that is with another human or not. There’s also ways for people with a penis to orgasm without ejaculating.

So if that’s something you’re really curious about, you might want to study Tantra a little bit more and learn about, you know, managing that energy. While not letting it leave your body and this is a little bit different because for people with a vulva we’re not ejaculating, generally speaking, right?

It’s not that energy is not like leaving our body. And so I think from a kind of a spiritual energetic perspective, it’s not as much of a concern for people with vagina and vulvas. So it’s just keeping in mind that like, we have different sex organs and systems that work in different ways. So from what I’ve seen, I don’t See it being about a double standard.

I see it being about, you know, there’s some hormones at play too. Like there’s, there’s kind of those jokes that like, okay, well a man comes, then he just rolls over and falls asleep. And the truth is like, there are hormones released and penis owners bodies that. Cause them to be more drowsy after orgasm.

So like that is a real biological thing. That’s not so much the case for vagina owners. So I think that that is important to keep in mind that there’s actual physical differences. I do think there’s some double standards in the sense that it is kind of assumed that men are. You know, when people socialize as men, it’s like, okay, men are sexual or men just have dirty minds or men only want one thing men are, you know, up to no good.

And I even see this men say this about other men, you know, like, yeah, most men suck. And, you know, people often don’t feel like as safe with men, even like trans men have kind of mentioned to me, like, yeah, now that I present as male, I have to make sure I’m not like. Walking too close to like females at night, you know, like I’ll stay on the other side of the street.

Like people now see me as a potential predator. So I think that there’s a lot there. And I even think that this is a factor in. My line of work, I mean, the vast majority of sex therapists are female, you know, so I think there’s something where people, and I saw this as a group practice owner, so I used to have other therapists working for me.

And even though we had mostly a female staff, I kind of thought like, okay, if we have two thirds females and one third men, some people are going to prefer working with a man. Most maybe will prefer female, but it’ll kind of even out. No, I found it still to be harder to. Market the male therapist. And I think that that’s something we need to work on as a society to realize that men can be safe spaces.

Men can be, you know, emotionally safe spaces to open up, you know, and I’ve had, I’ve been lucky to have one of my best therapists ever was a male therapist and super safe space for me. So I think that can be a really healing experience for those of us who have had negative encounters or relationships with.

Men and male energy. So yeah, thank you for that question. It was very thoughtful question. Another one. This one was kind of a tough one too. How do sex toys shape a man’s perception towards sexuality? And this was left very open. So I might go in a bunch of directions with this. So What I have seen, but I know this is not the case for everyone, is that a lot of guys are pretty open to using sex toys while being sexual with someone else.

I think that things are moving more and more in that direction, and we’re getting more and more comfortable and curious to use toys during a sexual experience. I also think, historically, sex toys have been focused on, you know, clitoral stimulation, maybe vaginal stimulation, some anal stimulation as well, and not as focused on stimulating a penis.

And I’m starting to see more sex toys for stimulating a penis. I just saw one that kind of had this like flowery looking thing that was like supposed to act tongue like and kind of, you know, recreate a feeling of oral sex. And I was like, okay, this is new and different. And so my, my encouragement is to be open minded and kind of like I answered that other question about like we get these neural pathways.

I think this is part of why it’s important to have variety and sex toys are a really good way to bring variety into your sex life. All of us, myself included, tend to have our favorites and kind of just lean in one direction and we like the sure thing, you know? So. Let’s challenge ourselves a little bit more to try something that we’re not sure is going to work because sometimes we’re going to find something really, really great by trying it.

And then sometimes we’re going to find out, okay, this is now a no for me and I’m now aware of another no, right? But if we try a bunch of things, some of them will work and then we broaden our repertoire. And so I think it’s important, whether it’s just with solo sex and you’re playing with toys with yourself or whether it’s with a partner to mix it up.

Sometimes use toys, sometimes don’t use toys. You can discuss ahead of time what you want to try with each other. You can discuss kind of creating that safe space so that, hey, this is not pressured, let’s just like laugh if it’s a total fail, and then we’ll move on with our lives, you know? And you can even move on to the thing that you know is a sure thing afterwards, right?

You don’t have to totally avoid it, but just challenge yourself a little bit to try things. But yeah, so I think the way in which sex toys might shape a man’s perception towards sexuality, it’s going to vary person by person, right? So some men might feel threatened by sex toys and kind of like, you know, why can you only get off this way?

Or why do you feel like you want this? If I can get you off or yeah, is my penis not enough or my mouth or my hands or whatever. And so that’s one way to look at it. I don’t think that’s a very helpful way to look at it. It probably doesn’t feel very good, you know? And if we go back to law of attraction, which I think I talk about in episode 10, the sexual placebo effect, our lens like is what we have the most control over.

And so our emotions and how we feel are telling us, is this a lens that’s working for you or is this a lens that’s not working for you? So if we’re pissed off, if we’re insecure, if we’re sexually frustrated, that’s a lens that’s not working for you. It would be worthwhile to figure out what are my thoughts, what feelings are they creating?

Not good ones. Okay, well then let’s go pick some different thoughts that still feel equally true or mostly true and see what better feelings we can create. So that would be, that would be my response to that. I hope that it’s helpful. I would kind of ask you like, what perception do you want to have?

Right. And do sex toys fit within that for you? You might have a perception that’s like, I just love connecting with the natural body and that’s what feels so good to me. And the toys just kind of detract from that. Or I don’t feel as present or I like the feedback of, you know, fingers or mouth because then I’m getting sort of feedback and sensations.

Whereas with the toy, I don’t. So just notice, notice what works for you. So much of this is about tuning in, right? So much of this is about almost like a meditative experience where, With meditation, we have a focus, usually our breath and our mind wanders and then we bring it back to the breath and then it wanders again.

Kindly, gently bring it back to feeling our breath and that’s what this habit change is like too. So if you’re trying to change a habit with porn, if you’re trying to change a habit with, you know, pushing yourself to try more variety with sex toys or use them less and it doesn’t matter. It’s like, Keep your focus and be kind and gentle with yourself along the way and notice what works right.

And so when we can be really present without having judgment of like what is right or wrong or good or bad or how things are, you know, quote unquote supposed to be or how you should be performing or what noises you should be making. Like all of that is taking us out of being present. So, you know, I hope that’s helpful.

It’s like a little accidental mindfulness course in the responses today. But yeah, thank you everybody for listening in. If you like this episode, if you want to ask a question, I will also put a link for that in the show notes. You can submit the anonymous questions on my website, which is heathershannon.

co. And again, we’ll link to that page as well. And thank you guys so much. So I appreciate all your support and getting us to the top 1 percent and I love getting these questions from you guys. We’re going to do these episodes every month now, so keep them coming and we’ll catch you next Monday. Bye everybody.

Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk Guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. Again that’s heathershannon.

co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.