Hello, everybody. Welcome to Ask a Sex Therapist. We’re like mid laugh as the video starts recording. Um, so this week, I know I say I’m excited about like every guest, but, um, this week we do have something different. So we actually have some of my former clients, um, a couple, Megan and Lauren, are joining us to talk about their experience.

Why I wanted to have them on the show is just so that people can have a little bit of like hope and inspiration and just like understanding what my process is like, understanding kind of the emotional journey, the amount of work that it takes to kind of get a good outcome, all of that good stuff. So I would like to say thank you to Megan and Lauren for joining and being willing to share their story and welcome to the podcast.

you. Thank you. We’re so excited to be here. Heather. Yeah, do

tell people a little bit about what was it like before we started working together? Like, what were some of the problems or issues you guys were having back then? Mm hmm. Mm

you want me to start? Okay. Um, I think like one problem we were having before we started seeing you that we, that like inspired us to come see you is, um, We communicate a lot together and we talk a lot together, but it just felt like we were with certain issues and sex being one of them. We were like on different sides of the same hill or mountain, and it just, it like felt like, okay, I see where you’re coming from.

You see where I’m coming from, but we didn’t really know how to take any steps. To meet in the middle. It just, it just felt like, uh, it felt like impossible. And like, what do we do here? And, um, felt kind of like paralyzed and confused and we can both be stubborn, but we really care about each other and love each other and like each other.

Um, both. And so it was just, it was like, how is this so, um, how is this mountain like so insurmountable because. We both want to be together. So,

I think that’s like, well put. Because I think a lot of people feel like that. Whereas like we kind of both want to maybe be connecting sexually more or just emotionally intimate, whatever form it takes. So it’s like, why? It’s like you people feel a little stumped. Like, why are we stuck? I don’t even know.

But we, but we feel that way. Um, yeah, that makes sense to me. What about you, Lauren?

Yeah. Yeah. I think like to piggyback on what Megan said, I think like it’s, it was just like a disconnect. Like we both wanted the same things, um, you know, to be physical, to be emotionally connected. And, um, I think we just couldn’t kind of find that happy medium of like, well, like, Hey, I’m, I’m doing these things.

Yeah. And I, I think I feel like I’m hearing you, but it turns out I’m not like, oh, you don’t want to be like, you want to go to bed and you want to read and you want to enjoy your evening. And like, you don’t want me to initiate sex or like, that’s not the time, you know, and so then, like, I’m getting hurt by that.

And so. Um, I, so I think, you know, coming to you, we really were able to like fix that disconnect, like figuring out better communication and like when, um, like when we want to feel seen and like in heard, um,

makes sense. So it sounds like it got more clear because I think this is where most people are when they start is like, we know there’s an issue. We know there’s an issue related to like sex and intimacy. But like we maybe couldn’t exactly pinpoint it and get crystal clear enough to like find concrete ways to solve it.

Does that sound accurate? Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. It was like a mediator, you know, someone that we can come to, um, each week and be able to, you know, Megan and I can share our feelings. With each other and, you know, and then have a mediator like yourself that is able to actually like, help us respond to each other in an appropriate way. I feel statements and like acknowledging what the other person has said, whereas like, in our day to day, maybe beforehand, we weren’t as like equipped with.

Resources and how to respond best with each other. So we are feeling seen and like makes the other person want to come together to keep having open communication.

That’s a really big one. I think like the feeling scene. Um, and it was interesting. I mean, for me working with you guys, honestly, you guys were very easy to work with. Um, because you, you are, you both were really open. And I think you’re both people who are already kind of doing your own personal growth and healing work, you know, and so that goes so far and like helping to get faster results.

And. You both stayed really consistent and like committed to the process. So that’s, to me, that’s also why I think that you did get good results. Um, the other pieces, I think you were very clear up front with like, here’s what’s going on in our life. Here’s our life stressors. Like, you know, you were in school at the time, Megan, and working, which was like a ton.

And, um, You know, we talked about medications sometimes interfering with libido like there was so for me when you guys came through I was like, okay cool Here’s like three clear things that are in general, libido blockers for people or just like sex blockers in general. Um, and so I felt, I think because you guys were so open, which was great.

I was like, okay, I’m really clear on where we need to go with this. Um, so that was, that was awesome too. It was definitely a collaboration. I think that’s why I wanted to say that, you know, it’s like, I’m doing part, but you guys are really doing part two. Um,

service is only ringleader, you know, so.

We were just saying before we hit record how Lauren has the best sayings.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Okay. So, okay, we’re gonna try to regroup. So if we were still kind of back when like the pre solution era. So what did the frustration feel like as you tried to solve the intimacy issues back in the day?

Yeah, it felt, it felt like there was just a lot of like pressure to figure it out. And we, but we couldn’t, and then the pressure, I mean, we were putting that pressure on ourselves, each of us and then like together, so it just, it felt like impossible and like. There’s, um, that like, it felt like, okay, sure, we’ll go talk to somebody, but like, we’re both in therapy.

I do, I do, I love going to therapy. I do

You’re becoming a therapist. If we can say that. Yeah.

a therapist and like, what the fuck can somebody else do that? Like we can’t do together. And so it just, I felt like really like, okay, we’ll give it a shot. You know, even though I’m a huge believer in therapy, I just, I felt like we were, we had the tools that.

Uh, to, to go at this our own way. And, um, and because there was no movement, then it just was so frustrating. And then I put a lot of pressure on it and Lauren felt frustrated. I mean, you can speak for, for what, What it felt like for you before we got started? Yeah, yeah, it’s just, yeah, it’s, um, it was frustrating.

It was, um, you know, as much as I felt like we were communicating, it, you only can come so far together. And then, you know, it’s like, oh, am I shutting down? Am I going to like, stop trying to like, Keep making this, um, putting effort towards this, um, to make sure we are connected and physically connected. Um, and like, I think, you know, to come to find out that even like with Megan being on medicine and, you know, just the, how that affects your libido, like I wasn’t aware of that.

And so there just was like this whole cycle of like me wanting to be physical. And then her feeling like, well, I’m, I am not really like in the mood. It. Um, it’s not me like per se, it’s, you know, a side effect of the medicine that I’m on and I didn’t really understand that. And so I feel like we were able to work together through that, um, to even, you know, see what our, like, our future game plan was going to be if you’re going to keep stay on medicine or, um, wait off of it, things like that.

So,

you guys brought up a few common patterns that I think are going to help people listening. So one you mentioned, Megan, was the pressure thing. I mean, I, I also do this to myself, but I think we all do. We all put pressure on ourselves in different ways and It pretty much backfires, I think, in most areas of life, but especially with sex, you know, and I think that, like you said, Lauren, some of the educational pieces are missing because, like, literally, where are we supposed to learn this?

Um, like, I had to go to sex school to learn a lot of this. Um, you podcast is sort of a mini sex school for people, but Yeah. So it’s like when, when it feels like I should know this or like, you know, I’m in grad school learning therapy stuff or like, Hey, I’ve got my own individual therapist. I’ve been at this for a while.

We are generally good communicators, which I would say like, that’s all true for you guys. Um, I feel like that with myself too. Uh, I just did an episode with, um, Todd Barrett, who’s got the You’re Dying Nonsense Instagram account. And we were talking about that. Like, are you ever done with therapy?

Cause sometimes there’s this feeling of like, aren’t I a master yet? Like, and it’s just like, no, just no. Um, you know, it’s like, I have my own coach that I meet with too. It’s like, it’s just, It’s just ongoing, but I, I relate to that, you know, where I sometimes feel like that too. It’s like, I have so many fricking tools.

I can’t, I figure this out myself. Um, but we have, we have blind spots, you know? And that’s, that’s what I said in the other episode too. It’s like, you, you can’t be a human and not have any blind spots.

Yeah. Yeah. It’s funny. Sometimes I’ll tell Megan too, I’m like, you know, I didn’t think I had anything to talk to my therapist about today. And I go in there and say word vomit just like, you know, I’m just like, it’s all coming out like, Oh, I’m not, I’m not fully healed yet. Okay.

you’re like, I guess there’s more. We’ll keep going. Um, it’s true, but yeah, sometimes it can be frustrating and I also think it’s okay to like take breaks, but, um, and then Lauren, the piece you said that I think is so key for people is like, I was taking it personally when it wasn’t personal. And I think that, like, the more we educate ourself on, like, how libido works and what the actual factors are, the more we’re able to not take it personally, and then the not taking it personal allows us to kind of get closer.

So, um, yeah, I appreciate you mentioning that.

Yeah. Yeah. That ties back to when I was saying, you know, it’s, I’m making, I’m trying to be. Make effort to like hit on Megan at a certain time, but come to find out not when she wants to be hit on. And so it’s like, then I get hurt. And so that was a key part of, you know, working with you too, Heather was just finding out like, really, like, when do we want to be touched?

Like, when do we want to be, um, physically together? Like, when do we want to connect emotionally together? Um, so that was a, a big key, key part that I feel like we’ve really been able to take and ride with since working with you. Mm hmm. Yeah.

Yeah, I think, I think you’re right. Yeah, it’s like getting more detailed and more clear and more specific because especially like when we’re first dating and not that you guys have been together for like decades or anything, but it’s like, you know, when you don’t live with someone and it’s early days, it’s just kind of like fun and light and, you know, easy in some ways.

Um, but then when you’re living with someone and you’re there through like every mood they have, you know, it’s different.

Yeah. When you work from home with each other, you’re around each other all day long. Um, you know how to keep the spice

Yeah, yeah. And speaking of, I feel like I’m getting slightly off of our agenda of questions, but you know, that was something that came up, you know, with you, Megan is like, we talked about like, what would your ideal 24 hours be leading up to sex? Do you want to tell people what your answer was?

I want to surprise Lauren with this one cause she already knows, but it was like. It was like a day, like outside reading, sitting in a hot tub or going swimming. And like, there was no other person there. It was me being by myself. And like, that would be my warmup for 24 hours, relaxing face mask, you know, just like getting in my element.

I think yours

Yeah, Lauren’s is definitely different, but like this is stuff that it’s like if people don’t know this and like have these conversations, you know, but that worked. And then I remember you did, you did kind of consciously have more space at times and that did wind up bringing you guys together.

really did. And like, that was a huge light bulb moment for, for us. I think because it’s not, it’s not something we would have talked about before. It’s not like I would have been like, Hey, I really enjoy. Like what, what would lead to sex for me is being alone. It’s like, I would never say that. Like it wouldn’t, it just wouldn’t happen, but like, we’re about to move to a bigger house where we’ll have more space.

And like, this has been a huge light bulb moment, like unlocking things in our relationship because it like gave us permission to not be together 24 seven. You know, if Lauren wants to go out with friends and I feel like staying in, Oh, that’s the perfect warmup. Lauren wants to be around people. I like want to chill and then we can come back together and be like, both our best selves.

After. So we’ve carried that with us for sure.

you guys did so well and continue to I think with just like accepting and respecting who each other is, you know?

Yeah, totally. I tell Megan all the time, like, I really, like, I think I’m more just direct and like outspoken as a person and Megan’s a little more just reserved and, but I tell her, like, I’m like, I truly want to want you to be authentic and tell me what your needs are and like, tell me, yes, tell me, no, like, I don’t want you to go out and do something with me and be unhappy.

And so I’ll, I’ll tell, I can tell when you’re unhappy, you know, when we’re out and you don’t want to be there. So I’d rather you stay at home, do your thing. And I’m totally happy by that. Like, if she’s happy, like I just, you know, I think I’m happy as well. Like I, I truly do. I think that’s the important part of a supportive relationship too.

it absolutely is.

And it works for us.

And it does work for, and I think it would work for a lot of people, but I think what I see, not in any specific relationship, but even just hearing online, it’s like, Oh, well, you know, my partner shouldn’t be going out, you know, with their friends without me, or my partner, you know, there’s kind of this more possessiveness that you see in a lot of

Mm

And I think that just allowing the other person to be how they are, not trying to like make them be a certain way or do what you think they should do. Um, Is like an

Mm hmm.

spaciousness, a different form of spaciousness, you know, um,

hmm.

So, and I think Lauren, what you said too, about like inviting and actively seeking and being curious about how does Megan feel and what does Megan need from me and like, what will make her feel comfortable opening up, like, you know, we talk a little bit about self energy and IFS, um, that’s so much self

Mm hmm.

like a very beautiful, like holding space. So I think that, that was another thing that worked in your favor. Mm

Yeah, yeah, and when we have our, when we have our chats, like we, we talk about emotions a lot, I would say, in our household. And, uh, I think, you know, one of the things Megan does, Repeatedly say to me is, or like feedback is like, I want you to just be like, inquisitive and like curious and I ask like, why I’m feeling a certain way and, and so like it’s something that I am trying to, um, do better on, you know, just to, um, make sure I am like fulfilling those kind of like emotional

Yeah. And Megan, that’s a beautiful job of like stating your needs. You know, cause that, that, that’s another thing that like, people sometimes just don’t say what they need.

It’s new to me. It’s definitely new. And I think, um, you know, through working with you and through, uh, other like therapeutic relationships, the stating what I need is like, uh, people pleaser. Pretty soft spoken person. It goes so against the grain of The past 30 plus years of my life. And like, who knew that gets in the way of your sex life?

You know, if I’m just, if I am not sharing my truth and like to somebody who, you know, you just heard Lauren say how. She wants to know me and they’re like, the, the world is my oyster there. Um, it’s like, it took, it took like our conversations and Lauren giving me that permission for me to feel safe and good to be like, you know what, actually I want to stay home or I do want to go with you or whatever, whatever it may be.

It’s just, it’s been really hard for me to speak about my needs. And I feel like through, um, Through working with you? It got a lot. It was just okay to do that. It became okay.

that kind of segues into the next question. You know, obviously you guys have, um, studied personal growth, done your own individual therapy, felt like you had a lot of the necessary skills. What wound up being different about the work that we did together?

I think, um, one thing that, that was different, I mean there was a, like my medication at the time was like antidepressants was getting really in the way of having any type of libido or orgasm. And what was different, um, in working with you? Is that like the pressure was taken off. Of like having an orgasm and it, it just became like, Oh, we can still enjoy each other together and not like, um, be searching for this one moment.

And then that success, it was, it was like, it kind of like took the blinders off of like what sex is, um, and that there’s so much more than just like an orgasm. So it helped me to like, realize like, there’s no right or wrong way. Um, And another thing that was different was like learning just how much goes into wants and desires and like that buildup, like we were just talking about space or, um, you know, being together with friends, like can be a turn on, like there’s all these.

Different things that I had no idea were coming into the, into like sex. So, yeah. Yeah. And like the craziest thing to me was like, we talked about one day we were like, okay, what’s going on? And it was like, our entryway was cluttered. Okay. What are we going to

Whole session about their entryway. It’s so true. Yes.

it was going to come up, but is it still clean? Yes. Can we figure it out? Yes. Birth, sex, life, better, we know

Oh wait, I love that you mentioned that. I had like forgotten about that. And it’s like, sometimes people think like, Oh, you’re a sex therapist. It’s so titillating and salacious. It’s like, this is what I actually do. We talk about entryways people because it was a stressor in the relationship.

Yeah. Thank you. Oh,

Oh my god, this is so good.

yeah, that’s huge. Yeah, that was huge. Yeah. Yeah, I think, yeah, that’s like that segwaying, I think. Um, yeah, I think working with you, I was actually, I, I kind of found out, came to find out that, um, it wasn’t all about sex, but there’s so much more happening behind the scenes than just sex being physical. And you can peel out the layers that we just found out so much more about, you know, why we weren’t truly connecting in ways that we wanted to.

And then, you know, that just brought in stresses of life, whatever it is. Um. You know, just cleanliness and who’s doing what chores and, um, medicine that we’re on. So, like, that was a big, that was a, that was big to find out.

Yeah additionally working, uh, working with you, um, we were able to It was nice to have a safe place to come to. It kind of like I mentioned where, um, we can, Megan and I could come and share our feelings and, and be authentic and vulnerable. And you were there to really help us work through like how to respond to each other.

Like it really wasn’t, Important to like, if I would say something, you’d say, well, how could you say that in like another way? Or like, um, how can you do like an, I feel statement. Um, and then how could you like say that to Megan in a way that would be a little bit more like caring and empathetic. Um, and then like Megan, how can you respond to Lauren now after she just said that?

And I feel like that was, um, that was a really, you know, pivotal spot too. Um, It’ll look to,

Yeah, that is a unique thing about coaching where it’s kind of like you have someone in the conversation with, you know, kind of able to give you that like live feedback of like, hey, you maybe don’t realize you’re coming across this way. Or here’s sort of a, you know, I use the Gottman softened startup technique, you know, like, here’s a gentle way to start it or here’s, you know, you can start with validating and then go into how you’re feeling or, you know, make sure you’ve kind of fully heard before kind of responding.

So, yeah, I think, um. It’s not, it’s not always like super comfortable or easy in those moments, but you guys were really open to that too. Um, and so I’m glad to hear that it was, it was helpful and worth it. Um,

Yeah. I have one more as well. It’s popped up. Um, also just you giving us homework to work on each week to really valuable. Like it was like, cause you know,

I do love homework. I love giving homework.

I’m

Yeah.

It really gave us a way to work towards throughout the week to make sure that we were doing, putting in the work and making sure that we were showing up for each other and ourselves.

Um, rather than saying, all right, it’s therapy one hour a week. All right, we’re done with that. See you next week. Um, so I thought that was really

you for saying that because yeah, I think that a lot of times people think like, I’ll just hire this person. I’m sort of outsourcing the task to them. And really like I think of myself as like a guide. I like to also use the word sexual Sherpa. really say that publicly, but in my mind I like to think that.

Um, and yeah, so it’s like, I’m a guide. Like you still have to do like the footwork. It’s like, if we’re going up a mountain, you still got to like put one foot in front of the other. And you two are really good at that. So. It makes a big difference though. Like when I look at, you know, who are people that they get really good results, they schedule their sessions consistently and they do the homework in between, you know, 80 percent of the time, no one does it perfectly.

Right. There’s still room to be human. And I actually even wanted to mention that because, yeah, I mean, there was moments that you guys would get triggered during sessions. There was, you know, a moment you gave me some feedback that something didn’t feel good. And it was like, that’s all part of the process.

Like that’s all part of like, Humans coming together and like creating something and like allowing each other to be imperfect. So, I like that.

that was so helpful. I mean, there was, I can’t remember. I mean, YouTube might remember, I don’t remember exactly what the session was, but there was some, there was a session where like a really protective part came up for me and it was like, whoa, time out. Heather was like, is it okay, Lauren, if we talk to this part, that’s coming up for Megan.

And we spent most of the session like on that, but it was just, it was helpful to know that like. That’s not my like core energy or self showing up. There’s something behind it and like, let’s explore it and that’s okay to explore. And then it, it like, uh, I don’t know that like helped me get over, over the hump, so to speak.

yeah, I love that. Um, you know, and that’s what I love about parts work too, is like, we, we welcome all the parts, like, people don’t have to show up to this process being kind of like the good coaching student, like, it’s nice when people do all the homework and everything, don’t get me wrong, but it’s like, I’d always rather have someone be real and authentic and say what’s happening, and I think you two both were really good at that.

I think nearing the end of when you and I, or when we were all ending our sessions together. Um, we had, uh, we were able to connect, I think, like a couple weeks in a row there that just felt like fun and, um, doing different things in the bedroom and, um, just like putting our guards down and, you know, alcohol might’ve been involved in one of those nights or whatever, but like, it was still fun and like, encourage, like encouraged us to, um, have some fun together. And, you know, besides that, I think we are continuously, uh, we have what’s called a board meetings every two weeks on a Thursday night and we’ll come together and we’ll fill in, uh, like, a sheets of sheets of paper that, uh, Megan’s put together for us that. Um, just go into like, what’s worked for you this week, you know, what’s coming up this week.

And then there’s a whole like gratitude page of like, how can I, you know, how did I do in this situation? Like, you know, how can I do better? And so just gives us a space to connect, um, emotionally and even come together and like, just say what’s on our minds. Um, It really gives us the space to, to come together.

Um, and so I think those kind of, those, I think, so I think that having the space in the, in the board meetings really allows us to keep connecting.

I love that.

happy to share the template with anybody that wants it. I put it in a Google

God, we could, we could put it in the show notes as like a freebie for people. That’s so cute.

It’s a six week, it’s a six week series.

So there’s different questions each week or each every two weeks. Uh, yeah.

God. That’s like so kind and generous. And also I remember when we were like getting close to the end and Lauren, you especially were like, how are we going to do this without you? And I was like, was like, you have a lot of skills. Like I, I believe in you, you know, like I wouldn’t sort of be graduating you if I didn’t feel good about this, you know?

And so to hear that, like, you guys, you know, Megan, you created this sheet, you guys are like continuing these check ins. I just feel like so proud. Yeah,

doing that. I know.

you’re doing it. I know. It’s so cool. yeah,

on date night and me talking to Megan about all like the admin things that are in my head, it gives us a time and place to get through all the admin stuff

it’s brilliant.

So, um, yeah.

people are afraid to do the check in sometimes because they’re like, is this just going to be like a complaining session or something? Where we like, you know, talk about what sucks about our relationship. So like, how do you keep it positive?

Yeah, there’s a lot of, there’s, um, I’ll, I’ll share it with y’all, but yeah, there’s like, um, emotional like check ins about like, did I support you in this way, in the way that you wanted or how could I do better? And then there’s like, what was a time when I felt really seen and appreciated by my partner?

Um, like things like that. So there’s feel good nuggets in there

Yeah, you guys will have to download it to get the juicy stuff that Megan created. Um, okay, and then Megan, what about you? What was the moment when you realized, like, oh my gosh, things are actually changing and moving in the right direction?

I think I, I think the moment for me was like, just being, I felt more comfortable in my own skin and what, um, got me there was like, one of the things that you said was like, um, I have like a stressful work. Environment. And then I was in school at the time. So there was no like decompression time built into the day.

So it’s like, okay, well, what, maybe take a bath after work and then you can like unwind and have this like transition period before going into the evening and hanging out with Lauren. And, um, that made such a difference. Like I just started to feel so much more comfortable in my own skin, but like I could speak up more and feel safe doing so.

Um, and then like changing our bedroom that made a huge difference to like, we changed, we got a new bed. Yeah, um, yeah, we like, we just changed, changed the vibe everywhere. And it was like, okay, like I can see that’s like a tangible thing I can see, but I can feel a difference in myself and like being comfortable in the bedroom.

Like we had a really dark bed frame before that I was like. Not a fan of turns out the bed that we got is kind of crappy. So we’re going to get another one. Number 3 is going to be the charm here, but it was just like, oh, this is, this is good. This is different. And I feel like I feel like sexy in the, in our bedroom now, because it’s kind of like.

It’s got soft blankets and you know, so, yeah, I felt more comfortable in my own skin.

And I think that’s another testament to like how holistic this is, like people probably don’t go to, I need to get a new bed frame, you know, but it’s,

You know, uh,

of the process. Yeah. Okay. I love that. Yeah. Um, Okay. And so now kind of bringing people more up to date, what does life look like now that things have gone in the direction that you hoped with your sex and intimacy?

we’re still engaged.

getting married folks. Still engaged together, but getting a new house, moving in together. Yeah.

think overall, like, I mean, life, it just, it being with Megan, I just feel like we just have more communication skills in our back pocket. And it’s of course, we’re just actively, you know, each day just trying to work together to make sure we’re both heard and seen. And that’s the most important part. Um, and so, I mean, like, even like last night we had a impromptu, uh, uh, board meeting just cause like, I had just things on my mind and, and we just had to like, just connect again last night.

And so that was just really important. And we both were aligned and we, you know, we’re both working, like, not defensive when we come to each other with things that are on our minds. You know, we both want to give each other that, that space and time to be open. Um, then like, you know, I, I want to hear whatever Megan has to say and, you know, vice versa.

So,

Yeah.

yeah, so life’s good. We’ve got some travel coming up and everything and we’re just, uh, yeah, just enjoying the summer

good. You sound so much more relaxed, you know? I mean, I know a lot changed. I mean, so like Megan, you, and I don’t know if we made this clear, you got off your medication. That, that was

did. Yeah. Yeah.

from grad school. We talked about how small your space was and that was an issue.

You’re now getting a bigger space. You know, you made the changes with the bedroom. You made the changes with like having these Thursday check ins. Like you guys really have changed a lot and the vibe is a lot more relaxed.

I think we feel more like comfortable with each other and more just like accepting of whatever the other person’s going through. And, um, like if we’re, if either one of us is triggered, like we, we know how to recognize it now and it, it becomes both defensive, like, um, I mean, when Lauren and I first started dating, like any serious conversation, I would just start crying and like, it not be, not even like, I wouldn’t even be like, uh, like, uh, sad necessarily.

It was just like the, I don’t know, it’s just like the intensity of it. I just like would shut down. And because Lauren’s pretty direct and I’m like, soft, it’s just like taking the, um, I like to think I’m not as defensive and like, okay. Or if I am defensive, I’m like, Ooh, that’s a part there. She is. So

I love that too. So it’s like you’re relating to yourself differently too and you’re more aware and catching it in the moment. So good. So good.

Definitely.

I’m so glad we got to do this. Like, I feel like re inspired from just from talking to you guys. And, and I think just like, wow, like how, I don’t know, just like how far you guys have come and how you’re like sustaining it on your own.

But before I let you go, I do have to, cause I’m sure people are like, what about their sex life now? So how’s the sexy time going?

It’s good. It’s good. It’s so, it’s so, you know, just, we’re still working through, um, you know, certain aspects and stuff and, um, you know, me wanting to be a little more exploratory and, um, you know, getting Megan out of her little shell. Yeah.

like once she gets fully out of the shell, there’s gonna be like no putting her back in there.

Yeah. Yeah.

yeah, because we’ve, we’ve, we’ve discussed, I won’t get into the details with the public, but you know, we discussed that there’s, there’s some interesting stuff in there. I don’t think she’s like super reserved. Yeah. Mm hmm.

no, no, I’m just going to catch her on the right day.

hmm. But so I love that you guys are like kind of in dialogue about that.

Like that sounds like something that’s

Oh, man,

than was before.

definitely. Yeah, definitely. And I think we’re like, I just realized more how, um, important it is for us to have that time set aside, you know, be at date nights or these board meetings that we have, especially, you know, Like I’m sure it will happen again during the holidays, during the summer, you’re always busy with people.

Like, if you don’t find that time to connect and like slow down, don’t have as much sex. And so we just, we have just been traveling a whole bunch in the last month or so. And so now we’re like home, we’re about to move, but we’re like figuring out, okay, when, when do we want to come together? When do we want to make time for each other?

And so, um, it feels, it also feels like way more fun and less. Pressure than it did. Like at the very start, Lauren would be like, when, before we worked together, like, you know, I want to, uh, I want to have sex and I would be like,

Right.

and now it’s like, okay, well let’s talk more about it. And let’s talk about where I’m at, where you’re at. And like, How we can meet in the middle.

love that. And the communication just sounds like so good with you guys. Not that it’s easy all the time, but like you’re really committed to it, which is cool. And I even love what you’re kind of, the intentional aspect of, We’re traveling, we’re moving, we’re realizing life can just kind of be coming at us and we might not be prioritizing sex in the meantime.

So like, let’s look ahead and figure out when can we make sure this is a priority and not just let it go. Because I see that so often where people are like, oh, we’re traveling, we’re moving, we got the kids soccer camp, our family’s in town. And then it’s like, well, yeah, when are you supposed to have sex?

Like, so

totally. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. We’re trying to, yeah, it makes it just be an, uh, yeah, have intention behind what we’re doing and make time, um, you know, for, for ourselves. So, yeah, but communication is the biggest, biggest thing and biggest thing that we’ve, that we worked on with you and that we’re continuing to do.

So that feels really

awesome. So, um, so yeah, thank you guys again for just being willing to do this. This has been awesome. And if you have any like parting words, if there was like a couple that was like in a similar situation to like where you guys were at the beginning, like, what would you say to them?

Nothing, nothing negative will come out of it out of going to therapy together. If anything, you’ll learn certain skills and steps to, to move forward. So I think, I think dropping your guard and being open to what your partner has to say and, and, um, you know, meeting them in the middle is just, it’s going to take you to, to new heights that you’re, that you’re, that you’re, you wouldn’t expect.

that. Okay. And what about you, Megan? What would be your words to it?

I would say that. Um, it’s okay to, to be nervous and a little scared and not know what, what working with a sex therapist will be like, um, and that’s all okay. And like through the process, you’ll get to know your partner better, but you’ll get to know yourself a lot better too. And just like Lauren said, like those are two really great things.

Couldn’t agree more. Um, thank you guys so much for being here. This was awesome. Um, thank you everybody for listening and we will be back next Monday with another episode of Ask a Sex Therapist. Bye, everybody.

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