This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to Ask a Sex Therapist.

 Hello. Hello. I am excited for a listener Q and A episode. These seem to be some of your favorites. So, uh, we will get into a few of the fun questions that came in. And reminder, if you want to submit a question, um, I’m starting to do these every month. So if you want to submit a question, you can go to my website and do it totally anonymously.

Um, we have it in the footer, uh, of the website. You don’t even put your name, you don’t put your email. Um, if you’re in my broadcast channel on Instagram, I will usually post a question like, Hey, what do you want me to cover on the listener Q and A episode? Um, so you could submit that way. Um, I actually had a friend submit a question this month or ask me something and she was like, you probably covered this on the podcast.

And I was like, actually, no, not really. I’m totally including this in the episode. Um, so, so yeah, uh, I’m excited to get into these. And I wanted to mention, um, our YouTube channel is starting to take off, which is kind of exciting. So if you want to check out any of these episodes in video format, uh, Um, those are available on the YouTube channel and it would be amazing to support the channel.

We’re kind of close to monetizing it. So I’m, I’m all like pumped up about it. And the other piece is I put together a playlist. So we’re getting kind of close to a hundred episodes, which is just, Um, and I’m starting to think of what’s something fun we can do to celebrate. So if you have ideas of how to celebrate the 100th episode, let me know.

Um, but anyway, so we’ve started to put together playlists on topics like, you know, for penis owners or LGBTQ or, uh, libido topics or how to communicate about sex. And so if you’re looking, For something that’s a little bit more catered to you, going and finding those playlists is a great place to start.

Okay, so let’s get into the questions. Okay, so this one, I love this question. This is something I relate to and I think a lot of people relate to. So, this listener says, In the beginning of my relationships, I have hot sex and am horny often, but as the relationship goes on, I lose that. I still love and adore my partner and am attracted to them.

I have some aspect of asexuality. I am demisexual, but that shouldn’t interfere with my libido in this way unless I have a different type of asexuality. So, there’s a couple things that could be going on here, right? So you say, as the relationship goes on, I lose that. I’m not sure at what point you lose that.

Is it like, you’re one month in and you’re like, ah, we’ve had sex ten times and I’m kind of done, you know, like it’s just like his lost appeal. Um, or is it, you know, six months, a year, eighteen months into your relationship that you’re starting to have this, um, experience of just like not being as turned on or not having as much interest in sex.

So there’s an aspect of it and the timing matters because there’s an aspect of it that everyone experiences, right? Like we’ve got this flood of hormones in a newer generation. sexual relationship. And it’s just like, we’re just high on life, right? It’s like, Oh my gosh, like they’re so cute. And there’s this novelty factor.

And I think a lot of us are programmed to have a higher need for novelty. So if you’re someone who gets bored easily, maybe if you have ADHD like I do, um, and you just are not, is a routine of a person in other areas of life that’s probably going to carry over to your sex life. Um, I remember I had an astrologer tell me when I was like 21 and I still have the recording, like, you’re not really someone who’s going to do like a set.

like, workout program forever. Like, you’re just gonna need to, like, mix it up. And like, you’re not someone who’s gonna have, like, the exact same routine every day. You’re gonna mix it up. So, um, so I do think that there’s some personality aspects or just neurodivergent aspects that could be playing into it.

Plus, there’s the hormonal aspect that everyone is affected by. And then if we do look at, sort of, the asexuality side, There is a term and I believe I covered this in my episode with Zachary Zane, which we will link to in the show notes if you want to check it out. Um, but there is a term called fray sexuality.

So this is a sexual identity. I’m like reading the description from Google. Sexual identity that describes people who are more sexually attracted to strangers or people they don’t know well than to people they do know well. So It’s kind of the opposite of demisexual, right? Um, but you could still consider it on the asexuality spectrum.

It’s just kind of like a different end of the spectrum compared to demisexual. So, and I’ll, let me recap demisexual for people who are listening and they’re like, Heather, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. So, demisexual means you really need to have an emotional connection first. Before you experience sexual attraction so that if that’s who you are, you don’t walk around thinking like, Oh my God, that person is so hot.

I kind of want to jump their bones right now. Um, that is not an experience that you would have as a demisexual. As someone who’s demisexual, it would kind of be like, Friends first with everyone is sort of the pattern. It’s like, Oh, I’m drawn to this person in some way. I don’t know yet if it’s going to be sexual, but like, I’m enjoying connecting with them.

And then as you get to know people, some of those emotional connections turn into sexual connections or sexual interest at least. And then some don’t. Right? With fray sexual, it’s the opposite. It’s kind of like, okay, this person, I don’t know this person, but it’s like, there’s the mystery and there’s the intrigue and it’s hot and it’s sexy and you know, there isn’t the emotional connection.

And so, you know, it can allow you to be just like fully sexual. Sometimes there can be, I think this is kind of the core of the question. There can be the, a distinction between the emotional and the affectionate versus The sexual, right? And this also kind of gets into the Madonna whore complex a little bit where women, and this is problematic with the patriarchy, but where women can kind of be either she’s, you know, the whore and like, I’m going to ravage sexual and we’re just going to like, go for it.

Or she’s the Madonna and then she’s pure. And she’s like my wife or girlfriend. And I like love her and I respect her too much to treat her like a whore. Right. Hopefully you can see where the problematic areas of this lie. We don’t have time to get into that. That’d be a whole episode. Um, but it could also just be how your brain works, right?

It could also just be like, I’m getting so cozy and I’m getting so comfortable and I just wanna like snuggle this person. And like, I adore this person and I still think they’re good looking, as you mentioned in your question, but I’m just kind of in a certain mode. I’m kind of in lovey affectionate mode.

And it could be for you that sex mode is something else. And so, this may or may not tap into asexuality. If it’s like, oh, I’m still attracted to strangers, then you’re probably not demisexual. And if you’re kind of like, oh, I’ve been in situations where I have an emotional connection, and, you know, a fairly deep emotional connection, and I’m still attracted to people.

then maybe you’re not frasexual either, right? Um, but there can be elements, right? It’s like sometimes we don’t fit neatly into any certain bucket. Okay. So if this is going on, I actually think this is an awesome use of internal family systems, which is one of the methods I use with coaching clients. And, um, You can tune into the different parts of yourself.

So on one hand with the affectionate part, it could be like, what does that part want and what makes that part take over? And then it could be like, am I kind of in tune with my own sexual energy or am I kind of letting that go and just enjoying the comfort? And Esther Perel talks about this concept of needing some space, needing some mystery to create sexual tension.

And so when we get really comfortable, when we’re around someone all the time, maybe when we’ve moved in with them, when we have other roles with them, like you’re now roommates or you’re co parents, or maybe even work together, you know, that can all reduce the mystery, the intrigue, the excitement, the novelty.

And so then you gotta like intentionally put it in there, right? And I don’t, I don’t realize, I just made an accidental sexual innuendo there, put it in there. But, You want to be mindful, basically, about how do I create novelty in this relationship? How do we allow some space for us to still be individuals and not just be merging together?

So there can even be like an attachment element of this, where it’s like, have we got almost like a little codependent and like, I don’t know where I stop and they start, right? And so then I could be like, okay, can we have some healthy individuation? Maybe we just kind of focus on our own hobbies. That might even be enough to be like, Oh, okay.

Or maybe we go out in public and I see other people. seeing how attractive my partner is. And then I’m like, Oh yeah, they are sexy. And that helps you shift modes. Um, or maybe you incorporate more sexual stimuli just into your life in general, whether it’s kind of a steamy TV show or movie or, um, sexy song or taking a dance lesson, you know?

But I think that’s sort of the journey of figuring out What helps me shift into that mode. And we also have an episode coming up with Marla Renee Stewart who talks about, seduction learning styles and that will also help you tune in to like what really does it for you to get the sexual energy going.

So if you’re not following the show, make sure you follow the show and don’t miss that one. Um, but yeah, I hope that addresses the question. There’s, there’s a lot of potential factors that could be going on. And so hopefully as you’re listening to this, you can figure out which ones resonate with you and then you make your game plan for how to address those. So next question is how to let go of techniques and truly experience a woman in bed. This is very much up my alley, you know, like I’m about techniques sometimes, but that’s not really the core of my message. You know, the core of my message for you all is be present, be creative, be curious, communicate, you know, know yourself, learn yourself as a sexual being, and none of those are about techniques.

So the short answer is listen to more episodes. Um, but, but I do think that’s where it comes from. It’s like we can listen with. our hands. We can listen with our eyes. We can, of course, listen with our ears. But when you’re being sexual with someone, it’s like this idea that you’re noticing on all of those levels, right?

You’re noticing, like, Oh, did they just twitch a little bit, or, oh, is that uncomfortable for them? Let me communicate and ask, right? Um, is it like, oh, they’re, they’re moaning in a way that’s very indicative of pleasure. Okay, let’s lean into that. And so then it becomes this dance because I think what can happen with techniques, especially You know, it’s like if you’re giving oral sex on someone with a vulva and you’re like, okay, I’m doing the alphabet with my tongue, you know, it’s like, okay, I’m making the A and I’m making the B.

It can take you out of the moment of actually noticing their body. You might be like, oh my gosh, they kind of almost seem like they’re falling asleep on me, you know, or like they haven’t made any moments of pleasure, any sounds, but I’m so fixated on doing this technique. I’m not actually present with them.

I’m not listening with my eyes. I’m not listening with my ears. Um, so I love this question. I think just the intentionality of this question to me means you’re on the right track. You know, if you’re wanting to just like truly experience someone, that is presence. And I think what can be challenging about sex with another person, let alone multiple people, if that happens, but Is that you have to tune in to, I mean you don’t have to, but you tune in to your own experience, right?

And that’s part of you experiencing someone else. And you also tune in to the other person. And so there is sort of that management of the internal experience and the external experience. And so I think that’s part of the key, right? And when I was Buddhist for 13 years and, you know, meditating all the time, you know, we learned different meditation techniques.

And some of them were about like feeling the breath, right? And having a very close gaze, like very close to your body. So that was like a very internal experience. It’s like, I’m having this felt experience of breath. I’m noticing the slight movements in my body every time I have an inhale. Every time I have an exhale, um, I am not really focused on anything else.

Right. And then there’s other instructions of meditation where it’s like, okay, we’re kind of letting go of focusing on the breath, or maybe that’s only 10 percent of it. And there’s this real awareness of the vastness of the universe. And like, we’re kind of, our gaze is up and we’re looking, you know, at eye level, looking to the horizon and experiencing the external more.

Right? And so this, again, it’s this dance of the internal and the external, and that’s something you can play with, you know, and you can go back and forth. And this is something, you know, during my therapy sessions, I will sometimes notice, Oh, am I carrying tension? So there’s this presence to the client.

There’s a presence to my own physical body and noticing like, am I being affected by something someone else is saying? And so chances are. You all experienced that in some way already, right? Are you in tune to your own body and to your children? Are you in tune to your own body and your work, you know? So it’s just leaning into that and bringing that into sex.

Okay, so hopefully that is helpful. Okay, and so then the last question, I also think it’s a really interesting one and kind of hilarious, so this is the one for my friend. She sent in a voicemail which I’ll play for you now.

 While you’re dating, getting to know potential partners and you’re, like, vetting them, you know, you’re not sleeping with them right away, um, ideally, right, because you’re trying to, like, get to know each other outside of the bedroom first, how do you cope with, like, still wanting, like, like, feeling lonely or, like, physically not?

You know, having that closeness, or like, how do you hide your whore prior to having the commitment level that you want in order to feel comfortable, like, letting the whore out?

 Okay so, A lot of dating advice does say to wait. So it’s kind of, and I think a lot of it’s aimed at women. Like I, Which is interesting, right?

I’ve never seen advice aimed at men that says, wait till you have a commitment. That’s in your best interest. But there’s a lot of it that’s aimed towards women. So just let’s just note that how genders are socialized differently. But I also think that sex is more vulnerable for People who are socialized as women and who have a vulva.

It’s like we are the ones being penetrated. We are at a higher risk of STIs because we are the ones being penetrated. Um, and, you know, sort of the risk if someone’s coming in you, you’re receiving the fluids, um, We are at a risk of pregnancy. Um, and it seems more often that this is not always the case, but that, you know, people who identify as women are looking for more commitment or more likely to be open to commitment.

Whereas people who identify with men, you know, at least at first, uh, might be playing the field. And so there can kind of be this feeling of like, do I need to protect myself? Do I need to make sure I’m not over investing? in someone. And the other piece is that people who are, you know, in a biologically female body, um, tend to experience more oxytocin and bonding hormone from sex, even if there’s not much of an emotional connection.

Where people who are in a biologically male body will tend to experience more oxytocin if they already have an emotional connection to someone. But not so much if that emotional connection is not there. And so there are some actual biological and societal reasons, I think, for, um, people who identify as women or people who are in a biologically female body to be a little bit more careful, um, with, um, Who they have sex with.

So I, I liked that aspect of the question that there’s like some mindfulness and some awareness of like, Hey, I might have a pretty high sex drive. Uh, I might really have the interest in having sex with this person, but. I’ve also got clarity that I want the commitment because then I know I’m not over investing and then I know we’re more on the same page emotionally, um, and that it feels safer on that level to go ahead and have sex.

So, I think the important part is being really clear. Like, if you are of two minds about it, which it sounds like you are at a certain questioner is a little bit. It’s like, well, part of me really wants to wait, but part of me really just wants to have sex because it’s fun and it feels good, you know? Um, so check in with yourself, check in with those parts of you.

And if the overriding decision is wait on having sex, then I think it’s talking to that part that really wants to have sex. And I would ask the part some questions. So first I would identify. Feel the part in your body. And so it could be like, Oh, there’s some tension or there’s some like urgency to like, get what I want or, Oh, interesting.

Why is there urgency? Oh, maybe because there’s a belief of scarcity. Maybe there’s a belief of. If I don’t have sex with this person, it could be like how many more months before I find someone else I even want to have sex with. So that would be a good place to kind of check yourself and check this part and see, oh, is that what’s happening?

Because what, what if I believed it was abundant to find new partners, then would I still want to have sex with this person? Um, that could be an interesting question to ask or is it like, I’ve just been feeling kind of blah lately and this person is making me feel really wanted in a sexual way and so maybe it is for validation.

It also could just be that you’re very horny and then there’s managing that and so it could be okay, how do I get some of that energy out? Can I have solo sex? Can I get myself a new sex toy? Can I find some really fun, engaging erotica? Part of the problem is that can also just make you more horny when you’re like, Oh, now I’m just like fueling my sex, sexual energy.

Um, some people I know like to just stay busy and do physical tasks, whether it’s, you know, yard work or working out, uh, going on a run. So I think that all of those things can be really helpful in getting some of the energy out. I also think that where we are in our cycles, if you’re someone who’s menstruating, also matters, right?

And so for me, the first half of my cycle, I’m much more interested in sex. Once I pass the point of ovulating, And it kind of dwindles until I get my period and then it kind of ramps up again. So notice that. You could also just tell yourself, Oh, okay, I’m ovulating. That’s probably why I’m like extra, extra horny and in a few days that’s going to subside on its own.

And so I don’t need to necessarily make decisions. from that place and I can just have the awareness. So I think a lot of it is like the self awareness, the managing your parts, the checking with what are my motivations, like what’s the driving force behind me wanting to have sex with this person. And then I also remind yourself with past experiences where, Oh, I did have sex with this person and didn’t go well cause they weren’t committed or they kind of said what I wanted to hear in order to have sex.

But their actions weren’t really showing that they were invested in me, you know? So it could also be like, Okay, maybe we’re not in a relationship, but is this person calling me on the phone? Is this person planning dates? Are they asking when they can see me again? Are they showing like that they care if I had a kind of a rough day or want to be supportive emotionally?

And I think that can also guide you. At the end of the day, There’s really not a right or wrong here. It’s just more of the, you know, given all of the considerations physically and emotionally, what feels like the right choice. And so sometimes I think what happens is the horniness comes up and just clouds our judgment completely.

And we kind of forget about taking care of ourselves emotionally, um, or in terms of STIs, um, or in terms of, you know, oxytocin or pregnancy risks or anything like that. So that’s, that’s my thought, uh, for this question. I hope that it’s helpful and yeah, this, this person might let us know if it’s helpful.

Um, so we can report back. But, um, yeah, I thank you guys so much for listening. Uh, I love doing these listener Q and A’s. If you want to submit a question for next month, we will also put a link right at the top of the show notes. so that you can submit those anonymously. Please just remember that I can’t reply to you because I actually don’t know who’s submitting them.

So make sure you include enough detail, right? The more you include kind of the context of the situation, the more I’m going to be able to support you with it. So thanks everybody for listening and we will catch you next week. Bye.

  Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk Guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s heathershannon.

co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.