Hello, all my lovely little sex nerds. I am back with a little solo episode for you today. Um, if you’re watching on YouTube, I’m doing a different camera angle because I realized with my social clips that we were just like seeing a really big version of my head. And I already have a big head, so, um, yeah, so we’re trying a different camera angle.

You can let me know how you feel about it. Um, and if you’re listening, thank you for listening. Whether you’re walking your dog or driving in the car, I’m excited to have you here. Um, My cats are in the background. They’re probably going to make some noise. So we’ve got Rascal and CB and Yeah, so we’ll see if they say hello, I think there’s a high chance of it based on how they’ve been today I wanted to make a couple little announcements before we jump into today’s topic, which is about dealing with sexual rejection It’s hard.

Like I think rejection is hard in general. It’s extra hard for those of us that maybe have ADHD and rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is a thing. Um, and I think, you know, sex is a sensitive subject as it is. So, okay. So announcement. So before we get into it, I, I’m running an ENM group, ethical non monogamy.

So if you are somebody who is like new to ENM or you are kind of like, Ooh, I finally have partners that are also into this. Like, let’s, what do we want to do now with like all of this freedom? And now I got to like make some choices. Um, and how do I manage kind of being in relationships while other ones are maybe ending?

Um, and all the emotions that come up with that and jealousy and managing your calendar. Um, It’s a lot. So if you are looking for some support with that, I have a new group program. So reach out. We’ll put some, uh, my links to reach out and schedule a little chat with me in the show notes. Next announcement.

So our amazing podcast intern, Grace. is wrapping up their internship at the end of the month. And so starting October 1st, we have an opening for a new ask a sex therapist podcast intern. You don’t have to know how to edit or anything. You don’t really have to know much about social media. The whole idea is like we will teach you and by the end of three months you will have a new skill set.

You will have a new cool thing on your resume, probably learn some more things about sex. Um, so reach out if you are curious about that. And then lastly, we are doing more with the YouTube channel. So head on over there. If you are a YouTuber type of person, if you want to see the video, um, of some of these episodes, if you want to check out some of the guests from past episodes and be like, what does this person even look like?

That’s how I would be. Cause I’m nosy. And, um, And then we have some playlists there. So if you’re kind of like, Oh my gosh, Heather has so many episodes now, which by the way, we are getting very close to 100. So stay tuned for some fun stuff to celebrate the hundredth episode. Um, but we have playlists for different topics and different groups of people that just kind of, uh, put together some of the episodes that, uh, you might like most.

So go check out YouTube if you want to find those playlists. Okay, so let’s define rejection. This is going to maybe be a different definition than what you’re expecting. This is the Heather definition. Um, Basically, I would say rejection is when something doesn’t go your way, right? Or when you perceive that something doesn’t go your way.

I think that’s actually the important piece. Um, because does rejection even exist? You know, I’m sure there’s, there’s people you’ve met, maybe not a ton of them, but where you’re like, Oh. They just like lost their job, but they seemed fine. Or they just had to like, I remember having a client like this, they just had to take money out of their 401k and they’re like delighted about it that they have the money.

Or, um, you know, what if you ask someone out and you get a no and you’re like, Oh, well that, that’s done. But I’m actually just proud of myself for doing it. So I think rejection so much about rejection is about what is the story that you’re telling yourself? Are you telling yourself a story of rejection?

Or are you telling yourself a story of I’m awesome. Ponder. That was an intentional pause. Ponder that. What story are you telling yourself? Okay. So I’m going to talk about some common stories, um, which I shall refer to as myths, um, when it comes to rejection and sexual rejection specifically. So the first one is men should always want sex.

So like if you’re trying to have sex with a man and he doesn’t want sex then something must be wrong with you, right? Obviously. No. What if he’s just not in the mood for sex? No. Um, what if he had a long day? What if he is a little bit under the weather? What if he would like to have affection? And not sex and just snuggle or laugh and watch a funny show together on Netflix, right?

Is that like, oh my gosh, what is wrong with me? Like, why can’t I, he used to be attracted to me. Now he’s not. I must be, you know, insert criticism of yourself here. I’m not even going to list them for you. I’m sure you’ve got some in your head. Um, So that’s an important myth. Next one is that penis owners should always be hard.

Um, this is, ah, these things are just perpetuated by like being alive in society, basically. And, and I see this one regardless of the person’s gender. So whether you’re the one with the penis or not, Um, I see this. And the people with the penis are kind of like, oh, well, um, Mm mm. You know, is it weird that, like, we were making out or doing foreplay and I wasn’t heard?

No, it’s actually, no, that’s not weird. Everyone’s body’s different. You might have been really enjoying yourself, but your brain just wasn’t in the mode of like, Ooh, I’m so aroused. It might’ve been, Ooh, I’m really enjoying pleasing my partner. Like, wow, this is so fun. Like watching them be so excited and turned on, but that doesn’t necessarily always equate to your own turn on.

Right. It’s like different people have different turn ons. I know, rocket science, right? Amazing revelations today on Ask a Sex Therapist. Um, and so in addition to that, it’s like men, uh, should always want sex, penis owners should always be hard, and they should also cum easily. Okay. And like, what if they don’t?

Right? Like, I’ve had some delightful sexual experiences where the person with the penis did not cum, right? Um, We just don’t, we just don’t have to subscribe, you know, it’s kind of like each, each thought is sort of like something optional that you can either subscribe to or unsubscribe. Like you get to choose which button you want to press.

And if that’s a thought that’s not working for you anymore, unsubscribe from that thought. Make sure you’re subscribed to this podcast though. Okay, so Next myth. If they don’t initiate, they’re not interested. Yeah, I hear, I feel like I hear this one a lot. So if you have a partner and they are, you know, lovely and nice and they spend quality time with you or they go put gas in your car or cook you dinner, um, and maybe even snuggle with you, like all of these great things, right?

But they don’t initiate sex. And sometimes we decide. Oh my gosh, like something is really wrong with our relationship. And, and, and I also want to be clear. I’m in a playful mood today. I’m not like mocking any of these concerns. Um, it’s understandable, you know, why we would have these thoughts and concerns.

But, again, we just have to look at, is this serving me? Right? So, if they don’t interested, if they don’t initiate, they’re not interested. And so what I want to point out here is that there’s different types of sexual desire. So there’s spontaneous desire, which is where, We just randomly become interested in sex like apropos of nothing and The other type is responsive desire and that means there’s some kind of sexual stimuli You know, there has to be something that you perceive as sexual in order to get turned on and so often What happens is I’ll work with clients who?

Are busy parents or busy entrepreneurs or just busy right like most people are busy and And they just feel like, man, it’s like, I just, I wake up and I got to clean the house and I’m like trying to fit a work out in and we don’t even have quality time. And then we got to go like, see our family and friends on the weekends and, you know, run these errands and we got a house project.

And it’s like, oh, my God, like, I feel stressed just saying all of that. And so. But when you think about it, like that life that I just described, there’s no sexual stimuli in that life, right? It’s not like, oh, well, we came home and we just like had this spacious amount of time to, you know, put on sexy lingerie or outfits or nothing at all.

Or, you know, we have this very sensuous bedroom that just inspires these thoughts, or we are relaxing and watching the steamy show that kind of put us in the mood. Um, or we’re taking a dance lesson and just feeling each other’s bodies and our mind starts wandering, right? It’s like we kind of, people who have more of a responsive desire need something like that.

So if you’re expecting your partner to just randomly pounce on you, You got another thing coming, right? So this is where it’s like, notice what part of it is factual. So the factual part might be, my partner is not initiating. And then notice the story you’re telling. And it might be, my partner is not initiating, therefore I am undesirable.

Or therefore, my partner is a terrible partner. Or therefore, they just are asexual. Or they have no interest in sex. Or whatever thing stresses us out, right? And so what if we just stopped telling that story? What if we just got more curious and thought, Huh, that’s interesting, they’re not initiating. I wonder what’s going on with that.

Let me kind of bring it up and say, Hey, I noticed you haven’t been initiating lately. Like, you know, what’s going on with you? And you might just be like, Oh, I guess I haven’t, you know, it might not have even occurred to them. And then you might have to say, Okay, it really makes me feel wonderful when you do initiate, like, what do you think would help you initiate?

You know, you might be like, Huh, I don’t know. And maybe then you tell them, Hey, this lady Heather on a podcast said responsive desire is a thing. Let’s look that up and figure out what’s the type of stimuli that you need so that you do feel more in the mood. Okay. Okay. Next myth. Um, If the vagina owner is wet slash lubricated, they’re horny.

Not necessarily true. So this is something that Emily Nagoski talks about in her book, Come As You Are, and it’s called sexual non concordance, and it’s especially strong for people with a vagina. Um, We’re this is actually crazy. So it’s like being turned on to like perceiving sexual arousal psychologically For yourself or physical arousal like they they can go together And then the the lubrication You know getting wet response from your body There was only overlap like 10 percent of the time.

I, I have a hard time believing it’s quite that low, but it’s a lot less than we think. And so the way it was described in the book, which I think is kind of, um, fun and makes a lot of sense. It’s like if you’re driving on the highway and you’re kind of hungry and you pass a restaurant, it might be like your least favorite restaurant in the world, but if it’s like, Ooh, food, you might start salivating.

Right? Doesn’t mean you want to eat there. It just means you thought about food. And so it’s the same thing with our bodies where it could be like, ooh, sexual. That means lubricate, right? And so your body then has a response. But it could also be that you’re not in the mood right now and there’s other things going on, right?

Like we are complex creatures. There’s very rarely one thing going on in your mind at a time. Alright, so that’s an important thing to know. And then also, you know, it’s important to be present and tuning in, you know, have great conversations about sex with your partner. But, um, You know, we also might go by, Oh, well, if, if my partner was moaning, then they, they must’ve had an orgasm or they were into it.

And I think that’s where it’s important to kind of create the safe space where like, Hey, if you’re not into it, it’s okay to say it. If you’re feeling like I thought I wanted to have sex. And now this is just sort of like meh. It’s okay to say, Hey, can we just call it? You know, can we just snuggle? Um, so it’s like, make it okay.

Have that conversation when you’re not getting intimate. And then, um, then it becomes safer. Like, Oh, okay. We discussed this ahead of time that it was okay to just, you know, call it. So that’s important to realize too. Now let’s just say your partner doesn’t want sex. Let’s say they’re just like, I’m no, I don’t want to have sex.

You maybe tried to initiate, you know, like, Hey, what are you thinking, baby? Want to go up to the bedroom? And they’re kind of like, oh, um, yeah, I think I’m like, not really feeling that tonight. And then you might feel so crestfallen and sad. And think, okay, well, what’s wrong? You know, is this, is this a problem?

Is this an issue? Or you might feel like, oh my gosh, I’ve been rejected so many times. Um, You know, I think that can happen when it starts to become a pattern. And I think that’s an important kind of turning point where, you know, you can either have the story of something is wrong, or again, we can go back to what are the actual facts of the situation here, right?

And it could be, okay, I asked, they said, not right now. That’s that’s the only factual part, right? And then we can again be curious about, you know, okay, what is going on? So maybe instead of making up a story yourself, that’s going to stress you out and make you feel bad about yourself or your partner or your relationship to just go address it directly from a place of curiosity.

Hey, I kind of noticed this has become a little bit more of a pattern. Like, um, what do you feel like you need to be able to have, uh, more interest in And a lot of times what happens in these scenarios is people feel a sense of pressure that it has to go all the way. So we’ve been talking about that, you know, Hey, what if we just make out and your partner might be like, Oh yes, fabulous.

Sign me up for that. You mean no pressure that it has to like quote unquote go all the way. Awesome. Good conversation. Um, so that, so that’s another one. Okay. Now here’s my second thought about rejection and I kind of hinted this at the beginning. Is it possible that you’re rejecting yourself? Right? Like if so much of rejection and the feeling of rejection is in our minds, what if we changed our minds?

Okay. So I’m gonna give you some examples of, of thoughts that you may have had at some point in your life in regarding your sex life that are rejecting yourself. Um, so it could be, you know, oh, I like, I didn’t perform very well. I’m less of a man. Interesting. Okay, so that’s subjective, like performing well or not well.

People might have different opinions on that. So not a fact. I’m less of a man. People are also going to have different opinions on that. Also not a fact, right? Do those thoughts make you feel good? Do you want to keep having those thoughts? No? Unsubscribe. That’s like the theme of this podcast. Unsubscribe from those thoughts.

Okay, so Let’s pick a different thought, too. It could be like, oh, how interesting to notice that my brain is offering this thought that feels not so good. I don’t want to be telling myself that story that I’m, you know, less of a man or less of a woman or a less sexy human. Right? Or a less worthwhile human.

Or a less desirable human. So many not nice words we can say to ourselves. Okay, what do I want to say instead? Well, maybe you’re just a human. Maybe it’s like, okay, your body’s not going to perform perfectly every time. There’s a lot of complex processes going on in your body and in your psyche at any given time.

Wow, that’s true. What an amazing, miraculous machine of a human I am. Like, what if that becomes the new thought? Or what if the thought is, oh, how interesting. I wonder what’s going on. Maybe I’ll learn something new about myself. And maybe my partner will learn something new about me, and then maybe that’ll bring us closer.

Right? So, so much of it is about, like, what is the story we’re telling ourselves. Okay. Um, other, other thoughts of you rejecting yourself. Um, I can’t handle it if, and this is one I’ve had sometimes too, for sure, um, and, and of course these can apply to different areas of our life, but it could be, I can’t handle it if I ask somebody out and they say no.

Or I can’t handle it if I flirt with someone and they say I’m not their type. Right? And so then what I would encourage you to do and in these scenarios is think about How do I want to show up in these situations? Do I want to be somebody who asks people out? Do I want to be somebody who? Maybe takes their time getting to know someone and builds an emotional connection first Do I want to be someone who is a flirt and that’s just like flirting?

I’m not trying to have a certain outcome, or do I want to flirt with intention for it to go somewhere? Um, so there’s no right or wrong here. It’s more like, how do you want to be? And then in order to be that person, the future you, who’s, um, Showing up in the world and showing up in the relationships and showing up in the bedroom, how you want to, what does that look like?

And the other piece that goes with that, um, and I got this advice from a coach recently, um, about, uh, I think trying something new with work or offering a new program. And it was like, well, what if you decide ahead of time? What your thought is gonna be or how you’re gonna feel if You know, you don’t get the number of people signing up you want, you know when it comes to your sex life how do you feel if you try a giving your partner a yoni massage and They’re not that into it.

Maybe you feel like okay. Well, I’m glad we tried it now I know or do you think oh my god, I’m so bad at sex and I’m like never going to please her so sad Wow, I should just stop trying, right? So then that goes back to like rejecting ourselves. Um, And in so much of this, so like if you’re like, oh my gosh, like if you’re listening to this and realizing Oh, wow.

I’ve been doing a lot of rejecting of myself, and I don’t think I even realized Step one don’t be hard on yourself about it Um good thing you realized That you were you know Like oh, this is a pattern that now I have some conscious awareness of and now I can make an intentional choice About how what I want to say to myself instead You know and we come into the world You I don’t know how blank of a slate, but fairly blank slates, and we get all these ideas about what it means to be, um, the gender we were assigned at birth, what that should look like, what that should act like, what a good relationship is, what it means to be in a relationship, the importance of being attractive, what defines what is attractive, the importance of sexuality to identity and overall sense of confidence, the importance of our partner considering us a good lover, the importance of our partner orgasming, the importance of our partner Displaying signs of arousal.

So I’m just going to invite you to think about like what is the meaning you make of that and to realize like the, the default, these are things that were given to us. So this is just sort of our default programming. You know, it’s like if you have a computer, and I am not a computer nerd, I’m only a sex nerd, but um Uh, I might botch this.

If you are a computer nerd, please forgive me. But, you know, it’s like, here’s the factory settings of your computer. This doesn’t mean you have to leave it like that, right? You might want to download new software on it. You might want to take some of the, you know, programs or applications out. You might want to change the, the default internet browser.

And so it’s like the way we’re programmed sexually and how we think about, you know, um, our sexual behavior, our sexual identity, our orientation, our gender identity. It’s just default programming. So again, we can unsubscribe. We could be like, I’m going to offload that app and download this other one and use this software more often and use that software less often.

And I’m going to get an external hard drive and, you know, so it’s the same idea. Um, I feel like you really get to make conscious choices. And so, if you’ve been struggling with rejection, um, just know you’re not alone, you know? Like, ask somebody with ADHD, like, an empath and a very sensitive person, um, You know, I get it.

Like, I’m, I’m not the best with rejection. I’ve gotten better and, and I think that thinking about how do I want to show up in the world and who do I want to be in my relationships has really helped. Um, and that’s something that’s mentioned in the book Atomic Habits, you know, and so I think we can think about our sexual habits.

Right? Like, what are our sexual thinking habits? What are the actions and behaviors that we do when it comes to our sex life? Is this fitting with how we want to think of ourselves, of the identity we want to have that makes us feel good and feel confident and, and show up as our best self in the bedroom and in our relationships?

So. Um. I, I hope that this has gotten you thinking a little bit. Thank you for, um, uh, hanging in there with my, uh, random analogies. And if you are looking for some support with. How you’re showing up for yourself in your sex life and how you’re showing up in your relationship. Um, definitely feel free to reach out.

I, I do offer a limited number of free intimacy breakthrough calls per week. Um, and we’ll put the link in the show notes so that you can check that out and feel like your most confident sexual self. Um, all right, everybody, thank you for listening and we’ll catch you next Monday. .

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