Hello, my loves, and welcome to another amazing guest episode. This is with one of my friends. I’m very excited. We are going to talk to you about. dating and healthy relationships and what that looks like and get ready. So without further ado, let me introduce Emmy Hernandez. So as CEO of soulmate love university, I mean, Hernandez specializes in helping independent high achieving women find soulmate love drawing from her own happy marriage to her soulmate, Matt and me host the popular confessions of a loveaholic podcast, which you can find on whatever.

podcast app you’re listening to this on. So thank you for joining us, Ami. I’m excited to have you.

Thank you so much for having me, Heather. I’m super excited to be on your show. Your show has been one of the ones that really inspired me to get on my podcasting journey. Yours is amazing. So so

much. Thank you.

I know. And I was just on your show recently. So who knows? Maybe these episodes will come out similarly, but they’ll have to go over there and check out our other episode together. Yes. Yeah. . Okay. So tell us a little bit about how did you become an executive coach who specializes in relationships and dating and helping these high powered women to find love?

Yeah, so it all started Heather, and as you know, the story is much longer, but I’m gonna give you the cliff notes here. Yeah. , I was. An executive is Silicon Valley working with a lot of very high powered people. I was doing some marketing and then I went into another field specifically working with startups and I was working with startups from all over the world.

I was hired by different universities in Tunisia and Uruguay, Berkeley and Stanford. They would all send me to different places to run these high powered, Executive meetings with different business schools. And what happened was I was meeting a lot of incredible people and I was going on a lot of amazing dates, but somehow those were not translating to people actually wanted to date, or there were a lot of.

Men that just really wanted to control me and wanted me like their trophy partner. And I just couldn’t understand what was going on because I was like, okay, everything else in my, my life is working. Why am I so bad at the love stuff? It was so frustrating. So I finally sort of came to a conclusion. That in all the areas that I had gotten good at, that I was proud of, especially public speaking.

At this point, I was speaking in front of stages of in front of 10, 000 people in different countries. So I realized that didn’t happen on accident, right? Like I got professional training on how to be a public speaker. I would not be so nervous and on those stages. And I realized all of the areas and the skillsets I had acquired in my business realm, I was just kind of winging it when it came to dating and love.

Okay.

And that’s when I said, you know what, I don’t want to wing this anymore. It’s too painful to just wing it too many heartbreaks. So that’s when I got some coaches went through an intensive year long training, completely changed my perception of what I was doing and wired some belief systems and that sort of catapulted into me then finding the love of my life.

And then fast forward. Once we got engaged, I started getting all these secret DMS from women saying like, who is he? Does he have a brother? Like, and I was like, well, let me find, let me, let me help you find your own. Right. And so, yeah, that’s, that’s how it all started. And I realized there was a market for it.

And. It was like this secret society that I started that’s not so secret anymore. But it all started off as a secret because we weren’t supposed to talk about love. We weren’t supposed to be yearning for it. So here we are now. It’s a full fledged, multiple six figure business headed towards seven figures.

It’s just like, how did that happen? I, I put my story out there for public hearing and everyone, I started realizing people, there were other women in the same boat.

I mean, so many other women in the same boat. So yeah, I appreciate you kind of just sharing the background on that too. And that like, you kind of had to like get serious about it and realize like, how would I expect myself to like know and have all these skills if I’ve never been taught them before?

Because I don’t think any of us were really taught that stuff, you know,

we really weren’t right. Yeah. I think it’s It’s painful for us to think that we’re just supposed to know because I think for a lot of us or most of us We can have our early memories of our first crush, right? I don’t know. My first crush was in third grade You know, my first heartbreak was in like sixth grade because this kid I liked, you know He ended up having another girlfriend and it was like, oh my god Oh, my

God,

he doesn’t like me.

And I think we all sort of have that level of understanding of like what relationships are and then what we see in our own lifetime and with, with our family dynamics, whether they’re in a healthy relationship or not. And then I grew up, I come from a Mexican household. So I had two variations that raised me.

I’ll say when it comes to love, I had. Disney. Okay. A lot of us, you know, are familiar with, but I also grew up with hardcore Mexican telenovelas.

Oh, so different.

Yes. And the Mexican telenovelas were all about being a damsel in distress.

Okay.

All about being a damsel in distress. And I didn’t. I didn’t like being a down zone distress, so I kind of like rebelled against that and went the other way.

And I kind of went into I’m going to be a bitch and kind of like dominate

the

situation, which also wasn’t very healthy. I wasn’t bringing in healthy men.

Because it’s one thing if you’re just like, I’m just leaning into my natural power and I’m being empowered versus like, This is maybe even like a protective mechanism or this is like a, you know, I don’t want to be vulnerable or it’s not safe to be vulnerable. You know, those are certainly things I’ve worked on within myself too.

But yeah, that, that makes so much sense. And in the Disney stuff also has a lot of damsel in distress storylines, at least the older stuff they’re changing, they’re changing now, but yeah.

Yeah. You know, two of my favorites or one was Little Mermaid and, you know, what have we learned there that you have to change who you are in order to find true love, which is, you know, hate to break it to you, not true.

Right. I see a lot

of women like actually living this. They don’t see it as, you know, they’re living the storyline of the Little Mermaid, but I see it happen all the time. Like the pick me girls of like, they’re changing themselves and manipulating themselves into being something that That she thinks a guy wants when that’s not who she is.

And then the one that broke my heart the day that somebody like told me this, and it’s so true. Was beauty and the beast. Like I was, Oh, I was just so in love with the whole storyline. Right. It was so romantic. And I really associated myself with bell because she didn’t want guest on. Right. She wanted, she, she was in love with the library and all these things.

And then I realized that it was literally Stockholm syndrome

and

it shattered my world into a million pieces. And I really resisted that one for a little bit. And when I sat with it, it literally happened to me. I lived that experience. I am a survivor of Stockholm syndrome from a specific relationship.

I have seen it play out as an educated woman, as a brilliant woman, as someone who has the financial resources and capacity, and it still happened to me. So that’s why I speak about it.

I do think that’s so important, and you’re not the only person that I know personally who has experienced that, who is a smart, successful woman, so let’s talk about that for a second.

Like, how do you know if you’re getting into a toxic situation, and like, what do you need to be able to either quickly, you know, about face and get out of there, or, you know, if you’ve been in there for a while to kind of get the strength to leave?

Yeah, so this is where it gets tricky because, as I’m learning now, there are six to eight different forms of narcissism.

Mm.

Mm hmm.

And they all display very differently, and I am not an expert in this. I’m an expert in the In covert narcissism, because that’s the man that sort of manipulated me into and coerced me into being in a relationship with him and emotionally and psychologically sort of, but there are so many others, right?

Like we know a lot of the overt narcissists where we can see in the media and we’re like, Oh man, like this person is so full of himself or she’s so full of herself. Like those are kind of like the easy ones. But the dangerous ones are the ones who present a different face to you. And those, the one that I experienced was covert narcissism.

So these are some things to be on the lookout for and don’t make the mistakes that I made. Okay. It is no matter what relationship you’re getting into in those first 90 days. Okay. 90 days is three months. That’s, that’s short time, but still long time. In those three months, Do not make any life altering decisions when you’re in a new relationship with someone.

Okay. Meaning do not move in with this person. Do not move across the country or much less across the world for them or much less to them. Don’t decide to get married. Don’t decide to purchase a home together. As romantic as all that sounds, in those first 90 days, You’re still getting to know someone and let me tell you, right.

So in those first 90 days, if you’re really getting along with someone and it continues and it’s consistent, awesome. Great. Right. There’s no harm, no foul. Here’s the thing in those first 90 days, narcissists. Covert narcissists can really only keep up this facade for around that time. So if they are, it’s called love bombing you.

So they’re being super nice at about the 90, 91, 92 day mark, they will do an about face And start making you feel bad. What does that mean? Maybe they call you and you were busy in the meeting and when you call back, you’re like, Hey babe, you know, how’s it going? Why didn’t you pick up? Oh, I was just talking to Susie or whatever.

Like, well, I really needed you to pick up next time. You better pick up. And by this point you start, you feel a little bit like, Cool. Like what’s going on? And you feel like, did I do wrong? And what’s happening is there’s, they’re starting to disempower you, but they won’t do that in those first 90 days, those first 90 days, they were actually go overboard and getting you flowers and purchasing trips.

Buying and taking you to your favorite restaurant. So in those first 90 days, we have to be very careful to not go overboard and getting too involved with someone because we want to see if their behavior is consistent beyond the 90 day mark into like what I have with my husband, we’re seven years in his behavior and his attitude is consistent the entire time we’re together.

Right. Okay. That makes sense. So it’s like, you need to look for consistency and you need to realize, cause some of us, maybe me, um, when we’re dating, it’s like, we might be looking out right away, you know, like, okay, are there any like, and sometimes there are signs that are obvious right away, right? Where it’s like, okay, this is, this is a no, but I think it is really highlighting the idea that like it, it does, it takes a while to get to know someone and it’s important to be kind of open enough to give it some time and reserve judgment.

Yeah. I think. Both on kind of the, Hey, I want to get rid of you. Or, Hey, I’m in love with you sides, you know?

Yes. And you know what? Like, this is another thing. I think some people get confused because you’re like, Oh, well, I mean, you knew, right? And like, yes, I knew Matt was special, but I didn’t know he was my soulmate right away.

And that’s very important to discuss that. And you and I were talking a little bit about this offline. How do you know when someone is your soulmate? Yeah. And you won’t know right away.

Yeah.

Even for those of you who tell you like, Oh, well, you don’t understand there was a special connection. Yes. I have that special connection with my husband.

I can tell you many reasons why I know that he’s my soulmate, but we still have to keep them grounded to reality. Okay. It can’t just this ethereal sort of like feeling. So an important thing that I did is I did not make any public announcements or introduce him to anyone special until after six months.

Okay.

Okay. No one on Facebook knew. No one knew anything. Why am I telling you this? Because I had made this error before. I had made this mistake of posting someone way too soon, went too early. I know. And the mature me would then post and then be like, Oh, you know, broken up. And it’s like, nobody needs to know your business.

It only makes it worse for you. Right. Navigating. Yeah,

it’s one thing for like your close friends to know or something. But yeah, we don’t need like public announcements. Yeah,

yes.

Yeah.

And even with my close friend, when I met Matt, I reached out to my best friend, I think a week or two later after Matt and I had probably already gone on like six to 10 to 12 dates.

Oh my gosh,

okay.

They were like back to back to back in a healthy way because we were not, I was still living my life and still had my schedule and so did he. We just wanted to see each other so we were making time for each other.

Got it, got it.

But here’s why this call with my best friend was so different than anything else she had heard before from me after knowing me A decade.

So she knew me very well and all my stupidity too. I told her, I was like, Hey, you know what? I met this guy. He’s really cool. We have a lot of really good things in common. He’s not the traditional profession that I would have thought that I would have dated, but it just feels so good. And I’m just really enjoying getting to know him.

And I don’t really see any red flags. I’m just kind of enjoying this and just kind of going with emotions. Yeah. And she told me something that I will never forget, and this was seven years ago, and she still reminds me, and she said, Emi, this is different. I said, yeah, how so? Like I hadn’t even recognized it.

She’s like, this is the first time ever that I’ve heard you talk about a guy so calmly, so cool, so collected. And just how you’ve gotten to learn. About his values. And he’s gotten to learn about yours and that they match. And there’s not this, Oh my God, you’re right. Yeah. And that is Heather, because it was the first time in my life that I had actually.

met the man that was good for my nervous system.

Yeah. As

opposed to creative chaos in it, which was previously perceived as butterflies or like, Oh my God, bad boy. Kind of like, Oh, right. That was just my instincts going run, run, run. But I was like, Ooh, I was running towards them as opposed to a way

that makes so much sense.

And I think the, you know, That often gets confused for chemistry and people are like, Oh, it’s, yeah, it’s so exciting. We have amazing chemistry, you know, and it’s, and it is viewed as a good thing. And I think what you’re saying is important because we want to know, like, what are the feelings like within ourselves that we’re kind of looking for?

I believe that like our bodies are very smart, you know, like our nervous systems are very smart. And in my experiences dating, I feel like my body has often known something before my mind has. And so I think that’s really interesting what you’re saying kind of about the calm love and kind of the regulated nervous system.

And I’m like feeling worried, like, are people going to mistake that for like boring or lack of chemistry?

Oh, I love this. Yes. Yeah. One of my favorite topics.

Okay.

So here, here’s what’s so amazing about it is that in no way, shape or form do I want you to take what I’m saying as in like, Oh, that means you and your husband don’t have chemistry.

No, no, no. Quite the opposite.

Mm hmm.

But chemistry is what I call phase one of a relationship. Like if you don’t have that, don’t move forward with anything else. Right? Like you can have someone who’s an incredibly good person, but if you’re not attracted to them and they’re not attracted to you, it’s not going to be like, don’t, don’t do that to yourself.

Yeah.

I am extremely attracted to my husband and. That is a very important element. However, if all you have is chemistry and all you have is lust, then there’s nothing else to go forward with. And a lot of people will really push through, you know, go through the mud because you’re like, we have so much chemistry, like, yeah, but that’s all you got, babe, like, like, Well, I can’t chemistry with a freaking, you know, tree down the road.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It can’t be the only thing. And like, is it great to have incredible sex with a person you have incredible chemistry with, but know that that’s all it is. Yes. And I actually encourage my clients to do that in an empowered state, but not when they’re like, I hope he, he takes me out on a date after if you, okay, you cannot go and have sex with someone.

Knowing that there’s no more values that are involved, and he’s already giving you that he’s super avoidant. And hold that because you guys had sex, maybe he’ll flip with you. That’s not how it works. That’s not how it works, babe. You’re setting yourself up for failure.

Yeah. Yeah, and I think, I think what you’re saying is important in the sense that we need to be honest with ourselves.

You know, it’s like, yes, be vulnerable. Yes, put yourself out there. But don’t bury your head in the sand, you know, and ignore the signs that are trying to scream at you, you know, whether it’s those external signs of like, he said he doesn’t want a relationship, or like, you know, your internal signs of like, my nervous system is like, you know, on a roller coaster ride.

So yeah, I think that makes so much sense. You were starting to say about bad boys a little bit. So That’s obviously a thing. I know I for sure had my bad boy phase where like looking back, I was like, Oh my God, what was I thinking? And I at least had the intelligence and the awareness at the time to be like, okay, so maybe I can’t help.

This is who I’m attracted to right now, but I’m not going to get into a relationship with them. So. So that was good, but it was like, it was undeniable. There was, there was a definite phase. There was a lot of people that were like kind of dealing with addictive issues and, you know, not fully available, but you know, they were just so captivating.

So what do we do about that when we’re in those phases?

You do the healing work is what you do. I, I didn’t know that this was something that would happen to someone because all I knew again, no training, no skillset around this. Now I know better. And this is why I share about it.

Right.

I definitely went, I can tell you one of my worst bad boy.

experiences. Uh, I was, I was at this event, some gala in San Francisco somewhere. And this guy that I was standing next to started talking to me and he asked for my number and I was like, well, he’s like, this guy’s really hot. And he turned out we had mutual friends and I was like, this is amazing. So awesome.

Right. So everything’s good so far. Right. It was like at an art event or something. So I was like, Oh, you meet cool people there. Yeah. Sure. Right. So we went out on a date and went out on multiple dates. And I remember every time I saw him, like lots and lots of chemistry, right? Okay. But my chemistry was overpowering.

Like the fact that we really didn’t have much in common, like our lifestyles. He worked in a profession that he took zero pride in. Okay. And that to me was like, Okay. A big deal where he lived was kind of like a pig sty and not just like dirty, but I mean, like just not put together and it had nothing to do with lack of resources that had to do with the lack of care he had for that.

Not

only that, Heather, I then found out that he was. Oh my God.

Yeah. Real bad boy.

Yeah. Real bad boy. And not only was he married, he was telling, he was recently married. They were in their newlyweds. Wow. Not only that, he was, he had told his mom. There’s more? There’s more. He had told his mom about me. How beautiful our relationship was and that he’s never experienced anything like this before.

So I was getting all caught up in like, this is really confusing. Like I, I have zero respect for women who do this yet. Now I was one of these women and like, just, he was, he made one of my birthdays feel super special and by a super special, Like, now, looking back, I’m like, it wasn’t really that special, it was just, like, it was actually pretty lazy.

Okay.

So, he created this whole web of, like, making me feel important by still keeping me a secret and

Oh, interesting.

There was one time where he took me on his, on his motorcycle and I, I was terrified.

I mean, he checks, like, every bad boy box. Yeah,

literally. Like, it was,

Motorcycle cheating on his new wife.

And

let me, let me clarify, let me add this to the picture. He looks like a twin or a doppelganger of one of Mexico’s most elite and most famous. Celebrities. We already talked about my fascination with the love. Yes, we did.

Yes.

So this guy wasn’t like, just like a, okay. Although like the guy that kidnapped me was just a, okay.

Looking this bad boy was not just a, okay. Looking like he was model stat. He

was like, gorgeous. Yeah,

absolutely. Gorgeous.

Okay. And

he knew

that he knew

that and he took advantage of it.

Okay.

Fast forward. I find out, I’m not sure why he told me, thank goodness. He told me. That he was, Oh, I forgot the motorcycle.

I have to go back to this. I almost died. I almost died on that motorcycle. He gave me like two seconds of like training of like, Hey, lean it, lean with me, not against me. If anybody’s ever been on a motorcycle, especially for the first time, you will do the opposite because if you’re leaning this, you feel like you’re going to fall.

So I was going, he was going over a hundred miles an hour. Oh my God. This guy sounds awful.

He was horrible. I’m so glad you wound up with Matt. At least I know there’s a happy ending here.

Here’s how it finally ended. He finally told me that his wife was pregnant. Like, he had just found out. And like, thankfully, something in me went and like, Bitch, like, get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, right? Like, what the freak are you doing? Yeah, like, I finally snapped and I blocked him on everything. But he still called me. Oh my nine months later, cause he told him he promised me he would. And he still wanted to continue. Like at this point I was like, this is how involved I was with. The bad boys, because of my nervous system, that was familiar to me.

So it felt like love. Chaos was familiar to me, so when chaos is familiar, it feels like love. But That is true

for so many people. The whole chaos thing. And I think we seek it out in different ways. Maybe it’s bad boys. Maybe it’s You know, having too much going on in our lives or whatever, but like, yeah, I see that.

I’ve, I’ve been in that where I’m like, I feel like I’m recreating something that I don’t need to be recreating, you know, right now. So that makes so much sense. So I mean, if someone’s stuck though in that mode where they’re like, I know I’m making terrible choices with dating, like how do they get out of that cycle?

Yes. Love this question. And there is hope. Don’t worry. Okay. Yeah. And I always tell my clients hope is not a strategy,

right? Hope

is not a strategy, but it’s not a strategy, right? Right. Right. Acknowledging that what you’re experiencing, that’s not what you want and it doesn’t feel right. Okay. Right. Second, and this is going to be a little bit harder is recognizing that you deserve better.

And why do I say that? It’s hard because we got to do some healing work in order for you to truly, truly, Know that because so many people are afraid of being alone that they’d rather at least be with someone that’s mistreating them. I’m going to tell you right now, babe, absolutely fucking not. Okay.

Being alone.

Yeah.

Not that scary. First of all, like you’re empowered with it. And I can’t, you need to be alone for a little while in order to do the healing work to actually bring in healthy people. So

there

is a level of healing. Hmm. Work in different modalities and I have two of my favorites where I need to rewire Your blueprint.

Okay, so your unconscious mind and you need to rewire your your body your nervous system

Okay,

and in order there are multiple ways of doing this. I’m gonna start with the nervous system first Okay, so to your point Heather like those of us who are super strong hyper independent women Who are always in hustle, hustle, hustle mode.

Guess what? You’re going to attract people who create more chaos and put you in hustle mode because your nervous system is used to that. So one of my favorite things to require my clients to go do is restorative yoga.

Oh, I love that. I might actually do that after we record today.

And to quote one of my clients who did this for the first time last week, she’s like, I mean, she’s like, it was kind of.

Boring. It’s just a lot of stretching. No fucking shit, babe. It’s supposed to be boring. You’re just supposed to stretch and be there. Just like, but we didn’t really do anything. That’s the fucking point.

Right.

You need to not do anything actively. You need to actively rest because I don’t need to tell you to go be this high level executive.

This, this client that I’m telling you about, she’s an executive at a fortune 50 company. So she’s just always go, go, go, go. So like, yes, I need you to crave boring as ridiculous as that sounds. Not in a partner.

I have craved boring.

I get it.

Yeah.

Yeah. And it’s necessary for the healing process. Okay. So that’s, that’s one very important.

Yeah. element. So I definitely, most cities have restorative yoga or Yin, Y

Y I N.

So go look that up. MindBody app, one of my favorites. You can search directly just for that. Okay. Now let’s go into the unconscious mind. Okay. Yeah.

We

now know we have enough science to prove that most of the things that we do as adults were belief systems that we established before the age of five.

That makes sense to me. Like we’re brainwashed and I don’t mean that like in a negative way, but it’s like we come in somewhat of a blank slate and are programmed by our families and whoever we’re exposed to. And then we spend the rest of our lives trying to adjust, adjust our programming.

Bingo. Bingo.

So what I call it is, you know, do you get mad at your phone every time it does an update? Oh, I do, but

yeah, I do.

But does it force you to do it anyway?

Well, usually I can delay it. Yeah. But eventually I have to do it.

Bingo. Right. Yeah. So why is it that we have to do that with our hardware and our phones, but we’re not required to do that for our bodies, our bodies, our hardware, but when was the last time someone that you, or, I mean, we know we do this consciously, right.

But for listeners, when was the last time you consciously upgraded your software? Okay. Your brain, your thoughts, your processes, your blueprints.

Yes.

And most of the people I talk to, especially when it comes to love, a lot of the people I work with, when it comes to their business, they have coaches, they get certified, they do all these things that when it comes to their love life, somehow that’s like, Oh, well, it’s just supposed to happen because if it doesn’t just happen, then it’s not real bullfucking shit.

I call BS. So what we do is we consciously upgrade the software and I have two ways of doing that. I’m certified in neuro linguistic programming and LP, and if you have had a specific event where you have had PTSD from this event or specific relationship, I will do something called scratch the record.

And what that is, it rewires your nervous system To, we, I will actually take you back to that memory. It’ll be one and done. Never again, we won’t record it. You’re never going to relive it.

The

reason for that is you’re going to relive that scenario for a reason. Because we are going to give it a new meaning, and by the time we’re done, you’re going to be laughing hysterically.

And we are making a new memory. So we are superseding the memory and adding a new one.

Okay, so it’s kind of like, let’s just go back into the archives and just change what’s in that file.

Exactly.

I love that. Yeah. That

one’s super intense. Okay. Okay. Only do it with someone who is master certified like myself, because that’s not something you just want to mess around with because that one you are moving around marbles.

Like it’s, it’s okay. Now I have some other ones where I help my clients change their blueprint and change their DNA. These are called recodes. Okay. In a recode, what we do is we energetically enter the mind and the unconscious of the client with permission. Okay. Everything is done with consent. Consent is very important.

We’re big on

consent here. We are big on consent, right? Super important. Even in healing work and energetic work, you need consent. And what I do is I pull up what we call your timelines, right? So it might be like a parallel timeline, a quantum timeline. It might be your timeline of like way before you were born.

It may be a past life. It might be something that happened to your great, great, great, great, great, great grandmother, 15 removed. Yeah. So we have a lot of, if we know that DNA in our genes are passed down in our family lineage.

Mm hmm. Trauma is passed down too, babe. It is. There’s research proving it.

Absolutely.

So what’s cool is that in recodes we can go in and recodes are magnificent because it does not recreate the trauma.

Love that.

The client actually never has to go back to it. Client actually never even knows what it is. Like, how are we supposed to know what happened to our great great great great great great great grandmother?

Right, right. We don’t even know what her name is, right? We don’t need to know what it was, but what the recode does, it goes and finds. What the pain and what the, what the block was, it keeps the memory there, but it removes the suffering and it removes the hold that has on you now. So it kind of releases and says, Hey, like this was necessary at the time.

I don’t need to think. Yeah. That’s an example. A lot of my clients want to be in a relationship with, with a man,

however,

they have an unconscious belief that all men are cheaters. Because

that’s what they

had in all of it. And they have proof of that because their father cheated, their grandfather cheated.

So it was just something that was just accepted in the society. Okay.

Yeah.

But this client might say, I refuse, I refuse that Emmy. And I would say, absolutely, babe. I agree. Right, right. So there’s this cognitive dissonance of like, I don’t want to cheater, but the energy is so much towards, I don’t want to cheater.

That she keeps finding cheaters. So he’s like, why is this happening? Because we need to change your energy from, I don’t want to cheater. To, I want a loyal man. Now that sounds like a technicality, but it’s not. The command you give your brain towards I am loyal and my man is loyal and there’s no, and it’s easy to be loyal because all we want is very different than, Oh, I hope he’s not cheating.

Yeah.

So we give your brain specific commands that then changes the DNA that then changes your identity in nine months.

Okay. That’s amazing. And I mean, I know that you are also somebody who has walked the walk with this. Like you mentioned, you did your own healing journey because you lived in Tampa and we hung out.

I’ve met Matt and you guys stayed at my house during the hurricane. So I do want to just mention that, that because I’ve been able to witness your relationship, you know, you guys really have a great relationship and you nurture it and you don’t take each other for granted. And it’s, it’s very much part you know, both sided.

Like I remember we did our glass blowing class and you were like, I’m going to get mad at gift certificate. And I was like, just for nothing. That’s so cute, you know? So, and I’ve seen him dote on you and set up your office and like do, you know, very sweet, thoughtful things for you too. So how do people get to that?

Like, if they’ve been kind of where you’ve been on the not so good side, how do they get to that? And how do they kind of, you know, recognize it when they have it, have a good one?

Yeah. So it’s definitely a process. That is doable. And here’s what I want you to know, listeners. If your heart yearns for it, that means it’s for you in this lifetime.

Love that. Okay? Because if it weren’t for you in this lifetime, you wouldn’t be yearning for it. And I believe that with every ounce and every atom of my being. Oh, I

love that. I wouldn’t be able

to do this work if I didn’t believe that.

Okay.

So that will start there. Okay. Because I get that question. A lot of women who fear like, well, what if, you know, I’m not meant to meet him.

And it’s like, well, you are right. Like, you wouldn’t be thinking about him if it wasn’t the case. So like, let’s start there. The second is if you’re so inclined to look in the mirror. And what I mean by that is where can you start taking accountability? Not Blaine. Not blame, judgment, or shame. Yep.

Good distinction.

But

accountability where you’re like, ooh, okay. I realized where maybe I was a bitch to this guy who opened the door this or bitch to this guy who helped me with my luggage just because he offered and I said I can do it. I mean, like, if you can, but he was offering just because he was kind, I still get when I don’t travel with Matt, there are still men who offer to pick up my luggage.

They will be married sitting right next to their wife and kids and their wife will look up with pride. And I said, thank you so much. I really, cause he’s a good guy. Yeah.

Yeah. It happened to me two weeks

ago. Okay. Because it’s not about getting hit on and it’s not about you can’t do it or the level of competency.

It’s about where can you choose vulnerability? Where can you choose receiving? Receiving is a feminine, right?

Is a feminine

yumminess, right? Learn how to receive and how to ask for our needs to be met in a kind, thoughtful tone. Then we’re just demanding pitches. Okay. So again, we’re like, I would give you a completely different advice if we’re talking about what you’re going to say in the boardroom.

Okay. So don’t mix this up for business versus love. We’re talking about love here. Okay. Okay. Romantic relations. Staying on

the love track. Yeah.

Staying on the love track because it is very different when you’re talking about business. About the boardroom. Okay,

right.

But when it comes to love Recognizing that there are a lot more good men than there are bad men Okay, just it’s easy to talk about the bad guys because it’s easy.

The good ones don’t get media attention What was the last time you saw my husband on the news? My husband’s not on the news. He’s not. Okay. So I just want you to know, like, it is, it’s not true that the world is filled with all these horrible, horrible men. There is a small percentage of horrible men and a huge percentage of incredible men, women, everything

you

can imagine.

And taking accountability for like, where can I make some efforts to shift in my belief system and what I want to the world. Yeah. And how are you showing up? Yeah. Are you showing up as a version of you that is already married, if that’s what you choose? Right. Already with you, already the person that is with your partner.

Like, I’ll give you an example. One of the things I, I teach my, my clients is if you want to live with your partner, which most of them do, is how much space is in your closet for them? Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you sleep on your side of the bed or do you sleep in the middle? Sprawled out. If you have a garage, do you park in the middle?

Do you park on your side? Like, start taking actions that bring the universe with the command of like, I am ready and willing. Okay.

Yeah.

So all of this works. And it’s going to sound contradictory if and when you know how to be so happy being single.

Absolutely. I, I could not agree with you more. I think like all of the truths in growth, I liken them to Chinese finger torture.

It’s really, really all of the listeners need to know is Chinese finger torture. So it’s like, it’s like your fingers are in the little thing. And when you try really hard, we’re like, Oh, I don’t like this. I hate that miserable thing. stuck in here, you know, and you’re trying to pull your fingers out so hard.

It just doesn’t work when you’re just like, I’m fine in here, but let’s just move a little bit and move a little bit. Oh, that’s interesting. Oh, that feels nice. Oh, look, we’re free now. You know,

is that how that works? I can never get out of

those. But I feel like that’s what you’re saying. So really just like, just be happy being stuck in your little torture device.

It’s really,

Yeah.

Healing happens in slowness, not in chaos, not in going on five, seven, twelve dates a week. Okay, it does not happen in you going on a gazillion trips because you’re hoping that there’s going to be this fairy tale story where you meet someone in Jamaica. Because it’s so

much efforting.

That’s so much efforting. And I think it often comes from this place of like distrust. You know, it’s like, I don’t trust. So I have to like, spring into action and like over effort, you know?

Correct. Like over efforting is not good. It’s not, it’s not good for you in general, It’s not. And much less for your love life.

Right. So it’s, it’s in these moments of silence and active rest that I say, that’s gonna bring them to life. It sounds like, it sounds oxymoronic, right? But the thing is active rest, just like restorative yoga and craving your own company.

Yeah.

Because if you don’t enjoy your own company, babe, how else is anyone else gonna?

I do think that’s important because I know that I’ve had friends and I’ve been in places where it’s like, Oh, it’s a numbers game. I just got to go on this many dates. And it kind of feels like this. It’s also more masculine energy. I think that can be like lots and lots of action. And I know you’ve mentioned polarities and kind of the idea of like being different in the boardroom.

So how does that play in like the polarity aspect?

Yeah. So the way I describe polarity is in the masculine feminine, and I do not refer to this. as gender. So it’s not gender, not male, female, masculine, feminine energy. We see it in, in nature, right? We plant seeds, a tree grows, right? So there’s an action of planting a seed.

And then that I would say that’s the masculine action, but then there’s a feminine action that is required in order for the tree to come out. And people ignore this part. It requires sunlight. It requires water and it requires time. Leave it. This is a great

analogy. And it’s also, those are all receiving the plant.

Isn’t like, let me go find the sun. Let me go, let me go find the water source. It’s just kind of like they’re receiving and allowing. Bingo. Right. It’s

receiving. And then. There’s going to be a little bit more of the masculine, right? Because once it has that in the environment, then it’s going to start to punch out.

But it requires those elements first. So what I mean by that is, no, babe, I’m not saying just sit around and read a book for the next five years and never go to an event and never go on the apps. And he’s just going to show up on your lap. No, no, no. Okay. I met my husband on Bumble. Okay. But I was not efforting to your point, Heather, right?

What I was doing is what I call, it’s part of my course, enlightened dating.

Yeah,

you have to do all of the work to feel so good about yourself first to find out who you are What are your core values? What do you really want? And then Once you’re so happy being with yourself and you love your company so much Then and only then does it turn into an efforting numbers game now before I want to skip that first part And it’s just the numbers game Then you’re just repeating the same pattern over and over and over and over again.

And then they’re like, it’s just like a hamster on a wheel. Of course it is. Cause you’re doing the same thing. Like what’s the definition of insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. You can’t have a different result if you don’t give it a new prompt. Kind of like chat GPT, you put in a shit prompt, you get a shit response.

Right. You’re right. It is. It’s the same thing. So it’s like if you’re going out there with your negative beliefs and thinking, I want a man, but all men are cheaters and having this internal conflict, it’s like you’re going to, our thoughts create a reality, you know? So yeah, reprogramming, giving yourself some time to kind of re incubate and then getting back out there.

I love that. Exactly. There’s so much wisdom you’re dropping on us today. I love it. I feel like, yeah, so many um, knowledge bombs there. That was awesome. So if people are wanting more Emmy in their lives, which I highly recommend, where should they go to find you?

Yes, they can go to my website emmyhernandez.

com or you can find me on all the socials at lovecoachemmy. I’m, I’m everywhere, everywhere and nowhere. Nice.

And we will, we will link to socials and the show notes, and then especially her podcast. So make sure you go check that out. It’s fun, full of fun stories and educational stories. You’ll be entertained and you’ll learn a few things just like you did today, hopefully.

So yeah, thank you so much for being here, Emmy. This was really fun to have you, um, and thank you everybody for listening. We will catch you next Monday. Bye. Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk Guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners.

Grab yours now at heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.