Do you find yourself so busy or spread thin that you don’t have time to think about sex, much less get physiologically turned on? Has it become harder to orgasm over time or stopped altogether? Do you need more stimulation than before, even during masturbation? Maybe masturbation has become compulsive for you lately. Or has it lost its fun and left you feeling lonely during solo sex?
For those of us who identify as sexual beings (as opposed to asexual), this article will help you find your way back to feeling like a vibrant sexual being in and of yourself. This is not about how to connect with your partner or how to have more frequent sex. It’s about knowing yourself as a sexual being and being in touch with your own sexual energy. It’s about taking time to be with yourself and learn what works for you mentally and physically today. Many of us are so freaking busy these days that we are consumed with our “to do” list, our goals, our Google Calendar and all of the “shoulds” in our mind that we aren’t getting to but feel very, very urgent and important to us. Our nervous system is in sympathetic (fight/flight/freeze) mode and we’re experiencing restlessness, irritability or paralysis as a result. Not so sexy! But what about fun, relaxation and turn-on? What about being present in our bodies, in touch with our feelings and connected to our spirits? What about making time for our sexual selves?
Maybe you agree, that sounds appealing. But how can you turn the tide from tense-ball-of-frustration to languid, sensual, primal, erotic and/or kinky superstar? What does that process look like? I’ll start by saying this: It will look different for each of us. You’ll have to figure out your own cues, triggers, fantasies, physiological workings, etc. Following are a few questions to contemplate and ideas to try. Pick and choose the ones that appeal to you and leave the rest. Let these serve as starting points and ideas for consideration. Write down what works and what doesn’t and you’ll wind up with your own personalized sexual roadmap!
CONTEMPLATION
Meditate or journal on the following questions:
- What has turned you on in the past? Think of some of your favorite sexual experiences or fantasies. As you go through the list, notice what still excites you.
- How would your ideal sexual scenario go? Really try not to censor yourself here. Allow yourself to have everything your way in this fantasy.
- When do you tend to get turned on? If you are a person who menstruates, does it sync up with your menstrual cycle? Are you aroused by visual cues? What ideas and fantasies strike you as erotic? Do you get more turned on when you’re relaxed? How about when you’re riding a high from something else in your life going well? If your not sure how to answer this question, start jotting down small and large turn-ons you encounter as you go about your life. Maybe it starts just by being open to the idea of something turning you on!
- What kind of role would you like sex to play in your life? Is it about expressing yourself? Connecting with someone else? Embracing playfulness? Stress relief?
- Could there be limiting beliefs about your sexuality that keep you stuck in guilt or shame? Maybe your religious upbringing had some pretty harsh views on sex. Or maybe your family or town had very strict gender role guidelines or beliefs about sexual orientation that have left you feeling limited.
- What makes you feel your best and most alive in general? I’m a believer that sexual energy and life force energy are very closely connected. Think about it . . . sex creates life! What do you love in your life and in the world? Make a long list and think about how you might incorporate a bit more of these!
Action Ideas:
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- Physical Exercise. According to Emily Nagowski, author of Come as You Are (amazing book!), exercise helps us complete the stress cycle and get back to a place of relative peace and balance in our nervous system. It could also be a self-esteem booster and put you more in touch with your physicality in general.
- Reducing stress. Relaxation is one pathway to sexual arousal. Do a mini-meditation on your lunch break. Set up your aromatherapy diffuser when you get home after work. Make time for your social life. Laugh out loud!
- Supercharge the media you consume. If you’re looking to boost libido or change old narratives, try listening to sex-positive podcasts, read educational books about sex, watch sexy TV shows, check out some literary erotica, watch an instructional sex video or find some ethical porn. The Pleasure Chest also has some great, free workshops. Yes, they will talk (usually only a little) about their products at the workshops and yes they will offer you a 15% discount on said products. Bottom line: Sex on the brain could very well lead to sex in the bedroom (or anywhere else!).
- Masturbating. If you’re not in the habit of masturbating, just allowing yourself to try it could help you figure out what you like and don’t. Research shows that people who masturbate stimulate their libido, reduce stress and learn more about their sexual preferences. If you are already having some quality “you time,” mix things up with one or more of the following ideas:
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- A sensual approach:
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- Add some coconut oil and self-massage.
- Experiment with textures. Get some silky sheets, feathers or a furry blanket.
- Try turning the lights off or wearing a blindfold.
- Try hot or cold sensations using things like ice or hot wax.
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- Tantric practices. NOTE: Apologies to my genderqueer readers as binary terms are often used in Tantra. It is DEFINITELY not necessary to be part of the binary to benefit from Tantra though and Tantra teachers are starting to catch up! If you can look past some of the gendered language (just in the first video), it’s a fun way to get started!
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- Movement:
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- Try standing up, sitting, or lying down–whichever position you’re not as used to.
- Try staying more still or less still while playing.
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- Toys. The Pleasure Chest is a totally non-creepy sex toy store and the staff there is happy to answer questions in a professional and informative way. As mentioned above, attend a workshop to get a 15% discount–toys can be pricey! Also . . . Amazon.
- Timeframe. If you usually feel rushed, block out a longer amount of time to be with yourself and allow yourself to feel pleasure.
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5. Ask your partner(s) what they’ve noticed about your turn-ons, turn-offs and which physical buttons to push.
6. Try anything you came up with in your meditation/contemplation/journaling above!
Once you’re done, you might have a list of findings that sounds something like this:
I am more easily aroused at night. I like being really present to my senses during sexual activity and incorporating temperature variations specifically. Adding a bit extra movement seems to make me more likely to orgasm. I can hold out longer on orgasming and increase my odds of a full-body orgasm when I consciously breath and relax my muscles. When I’m working out more, I tend to have more desire for sex. (And the list could go on . . . but you get the point!)
What you have just created could certainly come in handy not only for yourself but also in communications with current and future lovers! It also puts you in the top portion of sexually self-aware humans! There’s a lot of expectation of how sex should work and not as much genuine curiosity and exploration of what works for YOU, so congratulations on taking this step towards true knowledge, fun, and empowerment.
Questions and comments are welcome!
Blissfully Yours,
Heather
Learn more about Heather and how to schedule a session with her now!
