Kink is all about that mental engagement. You want to play with power exchange and taboos and take your mind on a real journey. Kink is a VAST world to explore so buckle in because you might be exploring for a while.

Power Exchange

Start by deciding who will be in charge for a given sexual encounter (or “scene” as many in the kink community call it). Negotiate your terms ahead of time before the power exchange takes place. What are you willing to do and what are you NOT willing to do? One important note here, it is safer to decide what IS in play instead of deciding what’s off limits. For example, say “I’d love for you to spank me when I don’t do what you say.” Don’t say “You can punish me however you want–only flogging is off limits.”  When we only declare one or two things off limits, our partner may come up with something we hadn’t thought of that crosses a boundary for us. Additionally, if you’re the partner implementing the punishment in this scenario, you may feel more confident being in charge when you know what IS in play instead of having to guess. Also agree on your safeword ahead of time. A safeword is what you say to stop the activity or scene. And don’t be afraid to stop the fun by actually saying your safeword! I’d even recommend practicing saying it just to make sure you both are on the same page.

Taboos

Kink involves more than just BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, sadism, slave, master, masochism). It also involves fetish (like a foot fetish) and taboos (like exhibitionism/voyeurism). Discuss what taboos are fun for you to play with and how you’d like to implement them with your partner. Practice Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) and make sure that everyone involved in your scene is informed and onboard. Kink can require a next level of communication and more forethought before getting down and dirty with each other. And guess what?! That will only enhance your overall relationship with each other–win-win!

New to kink and not sure where to start? Check out my FetLife tutorial on YouTube or the Yes, No, Maybe list from the Pleasure Chest. Kinkly.com is also a great educational resource. 

Want More Juicy Tips?

There are some ingredients that tend to make sex fulfilling for most of us that don’t include toys or tangibles! If you crave closeness with your partner remember the simple things…

Presence – We all love feeling that someone is truly WITH us. Not distracted. Not thinking about someone else. Not just trying to hurry up and get to the orgasm at the end. And not trying to hurry up and get to our orgasm even. Just present with a sense of curiosity and no agenda. You could also think of this as mindfulness when it comes to sex.

And the thing is, we can’t control anyone but ourselves, so practice bringing this presence to your next sex session with a partner. One relatively easy way we can do this is by tuning into our breath and our 5 senses. When your mind wanders to what’s for dinner or your infinite “to-do” list, bring it back to the feel, the sounds, the temperature, the texture, and the sensations you’re experiencing.

Try taking a deep breath and letting go. And you may want to clue your partner in ahead of time that you’re going to be trying something a little different–they may want to join you! 

Communication – While words can be limiting, talking about sex is generally helpful for knowing what your partner is into and expressing what you’re into as well. Because we haven’t been taught to talk about sex and prioritize pleasure, most of us aren’t used to this. If this is something you could use some work on, I’d encourage you to have a meta-conversation with your partner.

Ask them if they’d like to receive feedback and how. And tell them the same in return. I wouldn’t recommend having a full-scale post-mortem right after sex, but little bits of feedback during an encounter or a discussion when you’re calm and fully clothed can go a long way towards getting you on the same page, helping you feel truly understood by your partner and getting to know what lights them up sexually as well.

Want More Help?

Want some help applying all this spicy info to your own personal life? Whether you’re dating or partnered up or ethically non-monogamous, I can help! Book your $1 consultation with me!

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