10 The Sexual Placebo Effect
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. So today, we have kind of an interesting topic. It’s called the sexual placebo effect, and it just made it up. So I’m going to introduce several concepts to you that we haven’t really gotten into yet and other episodes where I maybe have just alluded to them briefly. So we’re going to talk about what is the law of attraction, we’re going to get into a little bit of thought work and some of my influences with thought work. And then we’re going to talk about manifesting or creating things on purpose in your sex, love dating life, share a little bit of a personal story of some manifesting gone wrong and in my life, and then we’re going to talk about how to practice this. So I really want these episodes to be things that you can bring into your life and start using tools to make things better and create what you want. So what is the law of attraction? A lot of you have probably heard of this, some of you maybe haven’t. And the reason I titled this episode, the sexual placebo effect is because pretty much all of us have heard of the placebo effect. So if you’re not familiar with the law of attraction, I kind of want you to think about it as the placebo effect. And so what we know about the placebo effect is that what we think becomes reality, right? So when they do these, you know, drug trials and different research where people don’t know what they’re getting, or they think maybe they’re getting a solution, the number of people who improve is wild, I think it’s like 35 40%, or something like that, it’s pretty high. And you know, they’ve seen things like people think they’re getting some kind of, you know, chemotherapy drug and their hair actually falls out, but they were never getting the chemotherapy drug, right. And so the idea of it and why it’s called law of attraction. First of all, it’s called like a law, because the idea is that it’s like gravity, like gravity is a law, right, and we just kind of take it for granted. And we all just kind of stick to the earth, because of gravity. And so we’re just kind of used to it, right? It’s not something we have to think about a lot. And so the idea is that this is a law, this is how the universe works. And so the more we can understand this, the more we can use it to our advantage, not in like a manipulative way, but in in a way that we’re enjoying our lives and being our best selves and creating what we want to create. And I think most of us want to create good things. So that’s the law of attraction, you’ve also probably heard things like, you know, you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And it’s this idea of like, attracts like. So if you’re hanging out with people who are really positive and successful and fun and have like, these great vibrant, healthy lives, you’re gonna probably be similar to them, right? Because like attracts like. And if you’re hanging out with people that are, you know, depressed and complaining and hate their jobs and are miserable, you’re more likely to be feeling that way. So it has to do with our influences, and the influences around us what we choose to surround ourselves with. But even more importantly, it’s what are the thoughts we’re thinking? How are we feeling? What’s our emotional state, and then we’re drawing that into us, right? And so it’s really highlighting that our thoughts are essential. And so I spent about 13 years being Buddhist, for those of you who didn’t know, and one of the things of the Buddha is with our thoughts, we create the world. And so this, this idea of law of attraction doesn’t just come from one source. But there’s a lot of different pretty wise sources that are kind of hinting at the same thing. So there’s an interesting book by Napoleon Hill, and I admittedly haven’t read the whole thing, but it’s called Thinking grow rich. And so a lot of business entrepreneur types, love that book, because that one’s about using the law of attraction to create success in business. And so it’s this idea that when you really think something, and believe something and envision something and are convinced of the inevitability of it happening, it’s going to happen, right? And so it’s really interesting to start looking at where are we confident, where are we doubtful? Where are we kind of allowing good things into our life? Where are we maybe even like trying too hard because it’s like secretly deep down, we don’t believe it. And we’re trying to almost like outwork that fear of failure, for example, or the self doubt. And so we can really Get some amazing insight, the more we know about the law of attraction, because it’s bringing awareness to our thoughts. So let’s get into the thought piece more. Because now that we kind of know our thoughts are creating our reality, our thoughts are creating our world in a pretty literal sense to, we then realize, Oh, I better work on my thoughts. I think a recent statistic I had heard and who knows how accurate this is, but I think it’s pretty accurate, based on my clinical experience, is that it was like 90% of our self talk is not that nice. So that’s kind of what really matters is what’s going on between her ears all day long, you know, is it kind of like, Oh, I gotta do this, I gotta do that pressure, pressure? Or when it comes to our sex life? Is it like, Oh, my God, I’m never gonna have sex again? Or is it? Like, I keep having too much sex only I know, I’m like doing it for the wrong reasons. You know? Are we kind of perpetuating with our thoughts? Something that’s not working for us? Right? Or is it kind of like, my partner and I are not on the same page, and we’re, like, never gonna get on the same page of sex. Right? Because the more we’re having those thoughts, the more we’re creating that reality for ourselves, I’m gonna get into it a little bit more. So some of my influences with thought work, and I will link to these in the show notes. A real basic one that kind of gets into law of attraction is cognitive behavioral therapy. So, you know, they find that this works pretty well, because our thoughts create a reality, right? I’m just gonna keep saying this. But when we’re thinking negative thoughts, we’re going to feel negatively and so if someone’s coming in for anxiety, or depression, and you’re able to identify the thoughts, and you know, behaviors as well, that are creating or perpetuating the depression and anxiety, and you can change them. So a huge part of this, which I referred to in the last episode, too, is becoming aware of the thoughts from a non judgmental place, right? Because if we realize the thoughts, and I’m kind of like, online dating sucks, I’m never gonna find someone, then it’s like, Okay, do you want to complain? And like really grasp on to that one? Or is it like, Okay, you’re, you’re perpetuating it. Or maybe you realize, like, oh my god, I’m so negative about online dating. And now I believe in the law of attraction, so I know I’m perpetuating it. But then beating yourself up doesn’t help either, right? And so, gentleness, that’s what I’m going to encourage for you guys self compassion, gentleness, become aware, and just be grateful that you became aware because before you didn’t even know and you had no chance of changing it. Now, you at least have a chance, right? I am a huge fan of Eckhart Tolle. I went to his six day retreat in Hawaii in November, and it was great. His wife, Kim ng is also awesome. And they actually talk a lot about not latching on to concepts period. And one of the ideas with law of attraction. So I’m into Abraham Hicks. So Esther Hicks talks from a place of spirit, basically, about the law of attraction and how we can apply it to our lives and it’s actually very practical information. So, Eckhart Tolle talks about not attaching to concepts. And so one of the things that Esther Hicks says And Abraham is that energy, and positivity and wellness is constantly coming at us, except for when we’re resisting it. And Eckhart Tolle talks about the lack of resistance is enlightenment. And so I think that’s really interesting. So again, when we have like, different experts from different perspectives converging, I do think it’s noteworthy. All right, so Eckhart is a big influence too. So it’s like what if we can kind of let go of thoughts like what if we can just kind of be and like, notice the flow of energy and like, allow things to move through us. I think my experience and my experience with clients has shown me that it’s when we’re resisting that we create these energetic blockages in our body that often manifest is physical blockages. So this could be you know, digestive issues. This could be aches and pains, this could be migraines. This could be low libido, it’s like we are blocking the energy, one way or another. And this is where you know a lot of energy healing comes in, you know, a lot of people are into Reiki or cranial sacral therapy or working with intuitive healers. And this is kind of the perspective they’re coming at it from another big influence that also converges with these other things that I’ve been saying is the model from The Life Coach School. And so the Life Coach School has a great podcast too. I can link to that in the show notes as well. But their model looks at you know, what are our circumstances our thoughts? thoughts or feelings or actions in our results, and actually, they have a PDF on their website that I’ll link to in the show notes, so many resources. And so the idea though, is the circumstances of our life are actually neutral. And Eckhart Tolle talks about this, too, we want to think so and so said this to me, and it made me feel insecure, you know, or my partner made a comment about my body. And now I’m feeling depressed, and my self esteem is suffering. Maybe, yes, maybe that is what’s happening, but it’s because of your thought about their comment, right? So if someone says something to you that, you know, you just don’t, don’t really believe it’s true, then it’s not going to really impact you. So if someone’s like, hey, Heather, you know, your hair is purple, and it looks weird, I’d be like, Well, my hair is brown, I don’t really know what you’re smoking, right? And then it just doesn’t really affect you that much. So when things do affect us, it’s because part of us maybe believes that part of us has that little wound or self doubt. And so it’s actually our own thought that you know, that wound or that doubt, it’s creating the feeling that hurts. So the more we can realize that the more power, we have to change it, which is actually really cool. Like, this is a, this is a win, I want to be really clear about that. So you know, if we get insecure during sex, if we have performance anxiety, if we are afraid to be vulnerable, and tell someone that we’re into them, or ask them on a date, that is, you know, that’s something we can change. That’s something that we can look at, we’re not a victim of our circumstances, right? Like, we are empowered to change those thoughts. So I think that’s really exciting. I’m gonna again, link to all these tools for you guys to keep doing this work, because it is amazing. And I’m going to share a little personal story of how I was manifesting how I didn’t know it at the time. So I want you to think about what are you currently manifesting in your sex life and your love life and your partnership and your dating life. So when I was in college, you know, I had been going through some eating disorder stuff in high school, and I had been gaining weight in college. And, you know, I had a roommate who was thin and blonde, and I just kind of had these beliefs of, you know, guys aren’t gonna be attracted to me at a certain weight. You know, I’m sort of like the chubby sidekick with like, the cute, the cute friend. And so I had some beliefs that were like, Oh, well, no one’s ever gonna be like flirting with me, right? No one’s gonna be like, trying to, like, do anything with me. And so I kind of went through most of college that way, just kind of taking myself out of the game. But I didn’t think I was taking myself out of the game. I thought, no one likes me. I’m not attractive. You know, this is just kind of like my lot in life, if only I could like, change this or whatever. And I did have some experiences to challenge it. Right? So I had, you know, some dating or, you know, makeout experiences in college. When I went to Spain, it was really interesting, because the men in Spain are more I wouldn’t say aggressive, but more assertive. And so it was like, Oh, I’m getting attention that I wasn’t getting in the US. And it made me realize, okay, probably some of the guys in the US are thinking this and just not acting on it. So that was an interesting experience. And then it wasn’t really until after college when I did some online dating and realized, oh, most of these guys are wanting to see me again. They’re probably not not attracted. Right. And so it actually wasn’t, though until many years later that I really realized all of that was made up. It was all made up inside my head. Right. And there had been some beliefs and it wasn’t my fault. I think I think that’s really important. As we’re getting into some of this, it’s not your fault if you have a shitty belief, but it is your responsibility to notice the shitty belief and to do the thought work. And to realize that if you’re having a shitty belief, you’re going to attract shitty results because of the law of attraction. And to become more conscious and more intentional about what do you want to manifest? What do you want to create? Right, and to start thinking about those thoughts. So if if I had advised myself back then I would have been like, what if you can be chubby and still attractive? What if even the word shabby is just a concept? That doesn’t even mean anything? Right? That’s less a little more Eckhart Tolle vibes there. It’s all just made up concepts, words and language. It’s like we just want to put things into little boxes. And they don’t always fit there so easily. And so yeah, what if I had been walking around thinking I was hot shit. We’re just always it’s fun, it’s fun when you feel that way. And so later on in life, I did get to have some experiences of feeling more confident and feeling a little more like I was hot shit. And you know, not necessarily in a cocky way, but just we talked about this last episode just in the sense of like feeling yourself, right? Which I think is healthy for all of us. So like, what if we just throw everything out the window that we were taught about, you know, what is attractive? Or what you need to do to attract someone else? And what if we throw out all that that’s like, really most of my podcast agenda? You know, it’s just to like, get you to unlearn and throw out like everything you’ve ever been taught about, you know, dating, relationships, sex and love. Right? So I’m trying to unbraid wash you. And I’m brainwash myself in the process, right? So it’s kind of this, it’s this awakening process. But the reason I share this story is because I think you’re probably doing this too, in some way. And you may or may not realize it, but the way you can kind of start figuring it out is to maybe look at what results in my life. Am I not liking? Where is there an area where I have some kind of goal for how I want to feel in my relationships. And it’s not happening? And I know, I want it, because when that when that’s the case, then we know we’re resisting it somehow, when you want something, and it’s not happening, you’re resisting it. Because the law of attraction is a law. And so you can get curious about that. Where am I resisting it? Sometimes, most of the time, maybe it’s easier to see this in other people. So you know, when we’re looking at our friends love lives, so much easier, right? To look at everyone else’s stuff, we might see like, well, they complain all the time about dating. So it’s not like a total shock that they’re still single. Or they continuously tell themselves, like, I don’t know if this like woman is out there, who has all these qualities that I want. And then they keep attracting people who have like only some of the qualities and then have other things where the person seems like they’re kind of settling, because that’s their belief that they don’t think they can find what they actually want. So it’s like, our beliefs are so key. And then you can see how it affects the behavior too, right. So if you’re convinced I’m going to be alone forever, that leads to feelings of defeat. And when you’re defeated, you’re not going to go take the actions to actually meet someone. And so then you’re creating the result of never meeting anyone. Right. And so we’re creating this cycle for ourselves. And so I want you guys to just see that, I think if everyone could even just do like one little exercise, you can jot it down in your journal use one of the tools that I post in the resources here. But to start seeing that is so empowering, so empowering, it’s not easy. You’re also going to notice that pattern in my podcast. I’m not going to baby you, you know, like we can do hard things on and Doyle says that all the time, and it’s true. So how do you practice manifesting something that you do want. So let’s say you want to have sex with your partner more often. Or let’s say you’re single, and you just want to find a sex partner to have sex with more often. Let’s say that’s the goal, that’ll be our hypothetical example. So you might notice, having some thoughts that hustle hard to find someone, or my partner has such like low libido, there’s like nothing I can do about it. Right? And so we can play that forward of okay, what feeling does that create? And then what actions do you take from that place? And then we see that it’s perpetuating the results. And that’s what’s always gonna happen, once you start looking at your thoughts and feelings and actions are just gonna see that it perpetuates the results. So then you think about, okay, what results do I want to create? And so you can kind of work backwards. So it might be like, okay, like, regular sex feeling, like I have that, you know, touch or sensuality, or play in my life or outlet to express different parts of myself, and to really feel connected. Okay, well, even just saying that. It’s kind of like, I feel kind of, like, excited or grateful or lucky, or, like, I’m having fun with it. And so then you can kind of pick okay, like, what’s the general sentiment? And the general sentiment might be, yeah, kind of optimistic. And so then we can look at Alright, well, what, what thought could I have that would lead me to that kind of optimistic feeling about my love life? And it might just be my partner wants to connect with me. Like my partner picked me. My partner is still with me. So they’re still picking me. They probably think I’m kind of cute. probably think I’m kind of fun. Probably at least somewhat attracted to me. This sounds kind of workable, right. I think it’d be very similar. If you’re single. I might be like, hey, there’s tons of other people out there that also want to connect. Everybody wants to feel you No special or wanted or chosen, Hmm, maybe I can find one of those people could be like, Hey, I treat people well, there’s probably other people out there who treat people well. So that just little practice of noticing what thoughts you can actually believe and buy into, that can create somewhat of a better feeling and get you closer to what you want. So you can just practice that you can do a visualization, you can journal it, really whatever you naturally gravitate towards, we’re never looking to make this more difficult than it has to be. With this work. We’re looking for ease, ease and not overworking and not straining ourselves. So I hope that helps. And I do want to mention, if you are looking to manifest a spicy sex life that engages both your brain and your body, check out my dirty talk infographic. So you can grab that it’s free at Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. Many people feel uncomfortable or awkward trying dirty talk, and then they just kind of avoid it. But that tends to keep people in a stale routine. And so if you’re not sure how to start with the dirty talk, but you are looking to spice things up, this would be perfect for you. If you’re looking for some structure with you know, starting the conversation with your partner, this would also be a great tool for you. So I’m very aware keeping things fresh in a long term relationship is not easy, right? There does need to be some intention there. And sexual frustrations can build up and you may start losing interest. So don’t wait to that point. Be proactive. Get your copy of this super cute and easy tool. And it’s at Heather shannon.co forward slash freebies. So I will catch you all next time, Episode 11. Are you feeling stuck or shameful and your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
