11 Attachment Styles
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, we are going to be talking about attachment styles today. And before we get into attachment styles, let’s talk about attachment. What am I even referring to? So attachment is basically relationships, how do we connect with other people in relationships? Does it feel calm and good? And our nervous system? Do we feel kind of skittish or unsure? Maybe we’re looking for validation, maybe we need someone to be really reliable. Maybe it feels like other people are always wanting more from us. And we can feel smothered, or kind of fear losing our independence. So before I even get into, you know, terms, and you know, buckets of attachment style, just reflect for a moment, how do you show up in your relationships? And how do you tend to feel. And you might notice that, in some relationships, you feel one way, you might feel really calm and relaxed, and you can just totally be yourself in certain relationships. And in other relationships, you might notice you feel more self conscious, or you don’t want to reveal your needs, or you feel like it’s hard to get enough space for yourself. So just kind of notice that for a moment. And we’re gonna be getting into what are those definitions of the different types of ways the attachment styles, the ways we attach? And we’re also going to talk about what are what are some of the common patterns, one pattern in particular, that happens a lot with attachment. And, of course, I want you to be able to recognize your own attachment style, as well as your partners or any potential partners. And then we’re going to talk about if you’re feeling more insecure in the way you attach, how can you do some healing work on that, and I’ll give you guys some resources as well. So the third, we’re gonna go over for four different attachment styles. So we’re gonna start with secure, so secure is the one that tends to feel the best. So it’s kind of what we’re aiming for. And so secure attachment style is like, you know, you’ve got two people, and you each feel whole and complete in and of yourself. And you can also be really close to each other. And it’s not that hard. Like, if you have a secure attachment style, you feel pretty comfortable, it feels pretty natural for you to be able to be close with other people without losing yourself. So that’s a calm, nice, regulated nervous system happening there. And again, it’s kind of the gold standard we’re aiming for. Now, these other ones, I want to be really clear, none of these are diagnoses. None of these are mental illnesses. This is just a style of attachment. And in fact, only about half the population has a secure style, which I just explained. The other almost half has one of the insecure styles. I also want to say these are not permanent labels. These are very fluid and flexible. And as I mentioned, you might even notice that you have one attachment style in one relationship, and a different attachment style and a different relationship. I am also going to mention here I do have COVID So if you’re noticing my voice sounds a little bit weird, this episode. That’s why we’re just going to do our best. Alright, so the first insecure attachment style that I’m going to explain is anxious attachment. So the word anxious gives it away a little bit, right? So your nervous system is not as calm here. There’s there’s often a sense of neediness, a sense of wanting more closeness than what you’re getting. And then with that, because these people are usually pretty self aware. There’s kind of that fear of, oh, no, I’m going to be seen for how needy I am. And so I have to hide my neediness. And I should not bring things up too soon. And I should not ask for what I want too soon. And I could scare this person away because I just tend to be like too much. And so I’m just going to pretend like I don’t really have any needs. That’s the plan of attack. We’re just gonna go with that. And I’ll just pretend I don’t have knees and try to like, hide them and squash them, which I think we all know where this is. is going not a great long term strategy. If you’re trying to feel authentically yourself and accepted in your relationship, right? No, I get that it’s normal to gradually open up in a relationship, it doesn’t mean day one, you know, dump all your personal secrets and trauma onto this other person that you may be dating. But it’s something to be aware of. So that’s what the anxious style kind of looks like. And often the anxious style, there’s just a sense of not feeling fully complete in yourself. And I think that our society really plays into this, the way romance is portrayed is, you know, we have to find this other person, we have to, you know, find our better half, like even the words that are used, certainly Cinderella stories and fairy tales, it’s kind of like, Oh, I was miserable. And then I needed this other person to, you know, come around and save me from this dreary, drudgery, that is my life when I was all alone, right. And so, I really want to present an idea that, you know, we’re all hole in it ourselves. Whoever you wind up with as a human, they’re not going to rescue you. They’re just a human too. So, but this can be really great. This can be a really, you know, beautiful intimacy. But the anxious attached person might also have, you know, bought into some of this cultural stuff that we were all fed, and which I think is actually a bit codependent. I don’t know if we have time for that topic today. So that’s the anxious style. Okay, so then the next one we’re gonna get into is the dismissive avoidant so if you hear anyone just say like, oh, this person’s avoid it. They probably mean dismissive, avoidant. So the dismissive avoidant person tends to be more independent. Once intimacy for sure, like, wants closeness, but it doesn’t really feel as safe. It’s kind of like, Can I trust this person? Are they going to be totally reliable? Are they going to betray me? Is it really safe to let my guard down? Is it really safe to kind of fully invest in this because you know, most relationships don’t last, like, I don’t know if I could do that. And then also, this person is probably going to want too much for me, I might not have enough time for working out, I might not have enough time for my friends. I just need the need to be by myself sometimes. You know, like, almost like Why does everything have to be with a couple of decryption make all our life decisions together now? Are they going to want to move into So? So? So it’s interesting as you’re hearing it, even though this one’s called called avoidant? There’s some anxiety going on there, too, right? And so these are both different sides of the same coin, really? And then you might be wondering, can you have a little bit of one and a little bit of the other one? Yes. And that one’s called fearful avoidant. So you can think of it as like, there’s that anxious desire to be really close, you know, okay, like, Let’s spend time together, and let’s have this intimacy, and I really want this. But then there’s also that avoidant fear of, I don’t know if it’s safe. And so there’s kind of a skittish feeling. And there’s kind of a push pull, feeling of like, come here, go away, right. So that’s good to notice. I hope, as I’m explaining these, that you are picking up on what your attachment style might be. And I would encourage you, if you’re in a relationship, intimate relationship, think about that, and how you show up in that relationship. If you’re not, you could think about, you know, the most recent person you’ve dated for, you know, a few months or more maybe, and how you showed up in that situation. So the next point I want to make, I don’t want you to be mad at me. But there’s an unfortunate pattern that happens, where the anxious types, and the avoidant types attract each other. I want to explain it, I think you’re gonna get it, especially if you listen to my last episode about the sexual placebo effect. So the belief system of the anxious person is that, you know, I’m too much I’m not going to get my needs met, nobody will kind of meet my needs. And so then they attract someone with those beliefs, right? Like our beliefs attract our reality. So they then attract somebody who fulfills that, and then that reinforces the whole thing. All right. So they’re attracting somebody who is reinforcing their beliefs. And then on the flip side, the avoidant person has the beliefs, you know, I’m not going to have enough space in our relationship, it’s not going to feel safe, kind of like I’m not going to be allowed to have boundaries, probably also because of the codependent way romance is portrayed in our society. So not helping anyone. And so the avoidant person is projecting those beliefs out into the world, right? And then they’re attracting somebody who reinforces their beliefs, just the way it works. And so then they’re with an anxious person who doesn’t want a lot of space. And they have the perception, oh, they’re taking my space or taking my independence, they want everything for me, you know, this is not this is my fear this is not safe, this does not feel good. So this is kind of a known pattern is that the anxious and the avoidant types attract each other. And so the anxious avoidant relationships tend to be a roller coaster. And I think because they represent different polarities, in some ways, there couldn’t be that chemistry upfront. And so a lot of times when people think you know, and it’s 10 out of 10 chemistry, it’s often a toxic pattern related to attachment styles. And so I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s actually a very important bubble to burst. Because once you can start seeing these patterns, you can choose more of a secure relationship. And once you start seeing the patterns in yourself that maybe are insecure, you can start working on those so that you show up more and more secure. Now, if you’re already in a relationship with somebody, one of us more anxious, one of us more avoidant, it’s not all doom and gloom, but you’re gonna both have to do some work to meet in a secure middle. I also want to be clear, there’s no like 100% perfectly secure, right? And so there’s actually a whole method of couples counseling that’s based around attachment styles, because this is so core to relationships. So it’s called EF team. And it looks at you know, who’s the pursuer and who’s the runner or the who’s the chase or who’s the runner. So the chaser is the anxious one always trying to get more closeness. And the runner is kind of like too much and you miss base. And that’s the more avoidant person. So to just even understand those patterns is so powerful, because then you’re able to change them. Okay, so I do want to give you one little tip too, so it tends to be not always the case. But a lot of people with an avoidant, dismissive, avoidant attachment style, can show up for a period of time, in a way that seems secure. And so it might seem like, oh my god, they’re so available, and they’re so like, emotionally in tune. And they’re so affectionate, like they’re totally secure. And I just kind of want to say my personal philosophy is that the first month of dating does not count. So, so if you’re early on in dating, just keep that in mind. Like you don’t really know who someone is. And I think you also have to remember people with an avoidant attachment style also love intimacy. Right? We all do, we all want that. And so they might show up that way for the first month or so. Right? Might be less than that might be a little bit more. I think it’s hard for people to kind of like keep showing up too much longer than that, if they’re like, super avoidant, but basically, I feel like they show up until shit gets real in a sense. So if the condom breaks during sex, and you have to go get the plan B pill that might be like, she just got too real. I’m out of here, right? Like, I’m not looking for this level of intensity. Or it could be you have an emotional day or an emotional week. And they’re kind of like, you know, this is not what I thought I was signing up for, you know, when things are fun when things are light hearted, and those really early stages of dating. You know, that could be a stage where someone with an avoidant attachment style is still, you know, really actively showing up and being affectionate and planning dates and doing all those fun things. So sometimes it takes time. But I actually think that people who are over the top it the first month, the first few weeks, are more likely to be avoidant Lee attached. So that’s something to look out for, especially if you’re more anxiously attached to pace yourself. At the beginning. I actually think pacing is very underrated, because it allows us to get to know someone and slowly build a foundation of real emotional intimacy. Whereas when you just kind of jump in, and it’s like, Oh, my God, I found my person. Oh, how long have you been dating two and a half weeks? No. Does it happen? Absolutely. Right, of course, it’s gonna happen some percentage of the time where that those two workout in are married 30 years later, but that’s more of the exception than the norm. And I would also argue if those same two people had paced themselves, it’s like it was meant to be it’s meant to be you’re still gonna wind up together if you’re genuinely compatible, but I think pacing allows you to see more of the compatibility and not get too too swept up in just the fun and the hype and the hormone. So that’s something to keep in mind. And if you notice the other person having poor pacing, just know that that could be an orange flag, let’s say. All right, and then let’s talk a little bit about healing and becoming more secure. So, you know, I’ve worked a lot on my own attachment styles. And I think I’ve got a little bit of the anxious and a little bit of the avoidant. And I overall, if I took a quiz, I would score secure now, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t elements of both. And so I think it’s good for all of us to kind of be aware of and to work on this. And I’ll mention a few of the things that I think have helped me with healing. So one continuing to date, actually think that’s important. Because it might be easy to think this is too painful, I can’t do it. But that’s not sending yourself a message of security, that’s not sending a message of internal validation, it’s not how you actually want to feel. So that’s not how you actually want to feel, let’s stop doing that. Alright, so continue to date, view, dating, and less as a, oh my gosh, this is my person. That’s, you know, the outcome. Because the more we attach to an outcome like that, the more we’re actually creating anxiety for ourselves, we get this very narrow focus. And then we start to become fearful of what if the outcome doesn’t happen? And we’ve kind of created this real, like duality for ourselves, like, either we get our outcome and things are good, or we don’t and then that must be bad. But what if it’s all good? And what if it’s a learning experience? And what if even if we’re not sure, we don’t think someone’s gonna be our person, we still show up and have a learning experience, right, we still practice our communication, we still practice identifying their attachment style, we even practice, you know, letting people down kindly and working with our own thoughts about that, right, if that’s something that’s been a challenge for us, so keep dating. The next one, I would say is mindfulness. So the more you can be with your emotions, and not judge them, the better because I think what’s happening, especially with more of an anxious style, is that we’re projecting our own judgment onto this other person, you know, we’re not fully accepting ourselves into we’re assuming this other person is not going to fully accept us either. So that’s really important to realize. One other thing that I have found really helpful, was actually doing Ericksonian hypnosis, I worked with a great hypnotherapist for maybe a year and a half. And it was a game changer. And a lot of it did come down to me being more in touch with, you know, my intuition, getting rid of some self doubt or managing that better. And feeling more of that internal center of control. And the huge realization I had, during that time of working with Klaus, great name, love Klaus was that I was abandoning myself, which was fascinating, right, when you have more of an anxious style, there’s often that fear of abandonment, and kind of wanting to make sure someone’s gonna be there for you. And I realized it was almost like I had this little energy center in my heart area, that she had, like, left the building, it was like little mini Heather in my heart. And I was like, Oh, my God, like she left the building I like gave her away, or I let someone else be in charge of her. And that’s my job. And I’m actually abandoning myself when I did that. It was like, the mind blown. So to realize that, that, that so so much of what it comes down to, and I’ve seen this with clients countless times to that it’s us abandoning ourselves. And I don’t think that’s just on the anxious side. I think that’s also on the avoidant side. Because what we’re really doing is putting conditions it’s like, I will feel okay, in a relationship if, or like, I will feel okay if this other person changes. And even if you decide not to be with this other person, fine, nobody jail, right. But even if you decide not to be with them, and it doesn’t work out, you can feel okay, you can feel sad, you can know that you have the capacity to feel your feelings, that you’re going to be okay either way that you can handle, you know, exiting the dating situation with grace, and kindness and compassion towards both yourself and the other person. And the same when you’re on the receiving end, you know, and the other person, you know, breaks up with you to realize that, that’s kind of about them, that’s about their preferences. And I don’t need to internalize this to determine my self worth in any way. So I hope this was helpful. I hope this gave you guys a really good primer on Attachment styles. I am going to link to a few great books about attachment in the shownotes. One of them is attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. This one doesn’t get into as many of the healing modalities but it’s really great for recognizing your attachment style and I have a lot of clients who read it and have aha moments. The next book that I’m going to include is called Polly secure, so especially for anyone who identifies as non monogamous or anybody who just, you know wants more of a nuanced discussion of the attachment This is a really good book for that. So it does get more into the nuance it does get more to different ways in different levels to engage in partnership in a secure way. And then the last one, this is one I found more recently and love. This is an internal family systems book. And I think you guys all know that I’m an internal family systems therapist. So it’s written by the creator of ifs, Richard Schwartz, and it’s called, you’re the one you’ve been waiting for. And it’s all about what we try to do to make ourselves feel okay in relationships, and then what the answer is, which is actually our own internal security and self energy. So I hope this was helpful. Thank you guys so much for listening, and I will catch you next time. Are you feeling stuck or shameful and your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life, and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom? Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
