18 Dating, Makeovers & Self-Confidence from the Outside-In with Kimmy Seltzer
not feeling good in your body is probably the biggest thing that stops people from putting themselves out there. Even with sexual stuff I know. Which I know you know what your podcast about. And so, yeah, like if you knew that there were some tricks in your clothes that can make you feel confident right away. It makes a huge difference when you’re walking out. It really does. And I kind of want to like challenge everyone listening. Think about a time when you put it off and on and felt better. This is the asker sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship. I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Welcome everybody. We’re doing a very fun episode today with Kimmy seltzer who is a competence therapist, authentic dating strategist and image expert with a vat of knowledge and experience as a therapist, certified style coach, dating coach and matchmaker. She has helped people find lasting love and connection attract success and build valuable relationships using her unique competence makeover process. Using an outside in approach, Kimmy implements targeted style, emotional and social intelligence in people’s lives using her signature formula, the charisma quotient working on body language first impressions, image and wardrobe and flirting and how it impacts attraction. This Los Angeles based expert travels the country helping people discover confidence, charisma and connection as a speaker at TEDx national matchmaking conferences. eHarmony Neutrogena, the guild at Universal, UCLA and I date. Kimmy is also a regular contributor to The Huffington Post with appearances in cosmopolitan, Oprah Magazine, Redbook Reader’s Digest AskMen, Fox News Magazine, Yahoo and the Washington Examiner among many more. Kimmie has been the leading love expert on the traveling live dating show the great love debate. A show on Amazon live with sway TV camis love hub and the cable reality series The romance. You can also listen to her on her podcast, the charisma quotient and regular ask me segments on the Chazz and AJ morning show on 99.1. It was 99.1 We got one, LR 95.9 The fox. So thank you so much, Kimmy for joining me. I’m so excited. And I just like can’t wait for my audience to learn all of your tricks are over many we can get you. Oh, I know. Right? Well, we’ll tease with a couple of tricks I always crack up when I hear my bio being played back. I know. Right? And not only is it weird, just like kind of laugh when I reflect on my professional experience. Because really, the reason why I’m so passionate about doing what I do is because of my own mess, my own story. And that’s why, like, you know, we always are our own best teachers. And sometimes, like when you have adversity, you know, when you’re in it, it feels like the worst thing that could happen to you. But to me, it’s really the best because that’s where I learned and now I help so many other people with so we’ve kind of just like opened into what my first question for you that I’ve been kind of podcasting for a while. So I was hoping you would ask me for my story. So I would love to hear your story. So part of why I wanted to talk to you. So Kimmy and I met kind of randomly at pod fest through mutual friends. And then when I heard that you are also a former therapist turned coach. I was like, Oh, that’s so interesting. We both kind of focus on different aspects of relationships now. And so I was like, Yeah, I need to talk to this lady. I know we had so much in common. And then you heard me on the other podcast, and we’re like, we’re gonna do this. Yeah, for sure. So yeah, I would love to hear like, what has your journey been like to get to this point? Yeah. And really, I mean, I have, like, long, how much time do we have? Because I have a lot to ask you how long to develop hand signals if it goes. I think we’re good at anytime. But it really is important to what we’re about to talk about creating that Sexy Confidence because if you knew me back when I would not be wearing this pink shirt, and I certainly didn’t have a skip in my step as a lot of my pictures depict. So the story is is that I was this kind of good girl from Chicago living a very traditional life. Me too. I’m also from Chicago. Wait, you are Yes. Okay. See, that’s also very good girl growing up. You might relate a lot to the story. And I was on a traditional track right like I practices therapist I, I had the picket fence and the dog and a couple of kids and my husband, I still have the kids, by the way, but you see. So we decided to all kind of pick up and move across the country to hear lala land where I landed Los Angeles. And we get here. And we decided to do what all the other people here, do we get a divorce. And I mean, that’s like a rite of passage with LA. Yeah. And, like, I like to blame LA. But the truth is, is I would have been here regardless. And I like to blame LA. But really, what happened is when I was removed from kind of this cocoon that I was in, you know, I was faced with something that wasn’t working, right. And when you have kind of external things that are removed, you’re left with just each other. And yeah, so anyway, there I was all alone in my new castle, not knowing what to do with my new life. Now, here’s the kicker, I’m a therapist, like, you’ll relate to this, right? Like, I should know how to get out of my own way. And yet I couldn’t. And I did all the traditional things, by the way, like, I got therapy myself, I had a great support system back home, but I didn’t have one, you know, in LA. So that part was really isolating. Right? Yeah. And I have these two young kids and I was going down a very dark path. I call it my black period. Because if you had seen me back then I was literally wearing a black every single day and ginormous clothes to say the least I still have my nursing. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I started nursing bras on and I wasn’t nursing any longer. So you could see like, I had the flip flops on. I mean, it just it was not a hot picture. And I remember just in that moment, and this is part of what my TEDx talk was about is just the defining moment that really kind of get got me out of bed because I every time I went to get out there and date and start over, I would just go back to bed and there was one day that just changed at all. I woke up and I took a hard look in the mirror and I really saw myself like I was horrified at what I saw. Like what what happened to me. You notice this like frumpy mom, you know all alone. And I’m like, so I’m doing all this heavy stuff. Analysis paralysis, yet. Nothing’s moving. So I did something really untraditional. I went shopping. Like this is where it all started. I’m like, nothing fits me. Crap, retail therapy retail. So I go to the store. And I think I’m up leveling myself by getting new clothes. But no, I’m doing all the same things. I’m collecting black clothes and my arms, you know, and this personal shopper, she comes up to me and I now call her my angel. She looks at me. She says Ma’am, I’ve been watching you. And I really think you should try this on. And she holds up a red dress that looks like three sizes too small. And by the way, my body had changed. I lost all this weight. And I just I hadn’t seen it right. And so I said that’s really sweet of you. But that’s really not my size. And that’s so not my color. She says honey that is your size. That is your color. Try it on. Like she hit me over the head with that red dress. And I now refer to it as my red dress moment and what I helped so many other people with and when I came to, I said you know what? She’s right. I need to do something different. I need to feel something different. And so I slipped into that dress and I twirled around like Cinderella and I looked in the mirror right again. This is so cute. I love it. It was like a fairy tale. Like I’m like, Yeah, damn. And there I was this like Princess and I, I got this visceral response that was going on in my body. And I’m like, you know, I think I’m gonna buy this dress. And oh, so I bought it as a costume. And I called it a costume because I still don’t really believe that it was me. But I’m like, you know, I’m gonna practice wearing this. And here’s the funny thing that happened in which changed the entire course of my business, my mindset, even what I teach today, because up until that like defining moment, I believed you have to work from the inside out to get results. I no longer believe that. Because what happened to me in that moment is I walked out into the world and that red dress and all this stuff started happening to me. And this was my surprise, new suitors began to come my way and oh, and men started paying attention to me. And guess what? I didn’t like it. And so all the stuff that I was like, Oh, I just wished I could, you know look pretty. No, I was scared of being seen. So really, the black clothes was a cloak to keep me invisible from the men. And I did. I didn’t see it at the time until that moment. And so I had to just get used to being seen and I wore that red dress in the grocery store. I wore it in the coffee shop until I embraced it. And then I became MIT. And that’s when everything started changing all the stuff you read in my bio, you know, kind of started happening to me. But what really came out of it is I now work from the outside in, that how we market ourselves is definitely correlated to who we attract, and the messages we send out to the world, because you can do all this juicy work on the inside. But if you’re not marketing yourself with your energy with your body language, and how you’re putting yourself out there and together, love might pass you by. So that’s where my business was born. And then I started, you know, trying to do this, like, I call it what because I was obsessed with the show what not to wear. I’m like, I want to do that. Yeah. So I studied to be an image consultant, I started doing makeovers on people, and I just saw this like power in the makeover process that I could get at somebody’s issues and help them through it in one shot who’s free, versus yours and therapy that I was doing before. So I’m like, there’s something to this. So anyway, I’m sure you have other questions, but that that, do what I do. Know, I mean, I’m having all these thoughts, you know, as you’re talking because obviously, I’m, you know, trained as a therapist, as well. And I still have my, you know, license and everything. But I feel like what you’re saying is kind of this idea of like talking about things versus having an experience to, and very honest with my clients that you know, that I think that’s one of the shortcomings of talk therapy is, you know, I do some approaches where there is an experiential component, like I love internal family systems, it’s like an internal experience you’re having. But sometimes I think it is just like being out in the world and wearing a different dress helps us become so aware. And so it’s not like you’re not doing the emotional work. It’s just kind of the order of things is different. And I also feel like, I’m curious what you think like there’s an element of like integrating it into our body by having the experience that if we’re too in our head, you know, we don’t really get that. Yeah, exactly. And that’s why I came up with this formula called the charisma quotient, which is the name of my podcast, which you write on, by the way. And in that formula, I work with three pillars. And the first pillar I call style intelligence, which is your body language, your wardrobe, your energy, your presentation, your first impressions, your sexual energy, it’s all the stuff that you’re like putting out there, then I go inward and work on emotional intelligence. And I know you do a lot of work with that too, and how we express ourselves in ways of vulnerability, authenticity, the emotional triggers that we use when we’re meeting people that create attraction, all of those things. And then the third pillar is social intelligence, which is, you know, how we manage interpersonal communication, conversation tricks, flirting, all the ways of like just interacting with someone and your social comfort. So I believe that those three areas are the foundation of which creates opportunity to find love. And usually there are things or pieces of the puzzle missing in each of those areas. And so it’s just figuring out what a person needs. So I’m very skill based in the way that I wrote. It’s very practical. Yeah, and tactical, because, you know, again, and I do a lot of talking and I infused therapy in my process. But to your point, it’s like, at what point do you get off the couch and start living? You know, and so, I go out, and I do wing gal sessions with people and I teach people how to get in the bars, right? And I go shopping and I do makeovers. It’s that experiential piece that really integrates all the things that you absorb and listen to, and that’s yeah, me what gets results. I want to hear more about the flirting piece. Because I think people I knew you it. Kind of figured, yeah, because I feel like whether they’re single, or even when they’re like, married for a year, it was especially they kind of like stopped flirting and become roommates. And a lot of people who are single are kind of like, I don’t know how to flirt. I know. Like, that’s not my thing. And I’m like, I know you have it in there. So like, what are the things you do to work with people to like, get the flirting out of them and into the world? Yeah, well, I just love learning so much. I do virtual workshops. And I have dating retreats that I do that I you know, I teach people how to flirt and also work one on one with people. And the thing that’s interesting about flirting is if you look in the dictionary at the definition, it’s fascinating. It says to behave as though you are attracted to someone without the serious intention of an outcome. And I like that because if you think about that last part being attached to the outcome is what trips everyone up 100% every excuse under the book so like, yeah, oh, well, I’m not I’m not interested in him, but By the way, I work with men and women. So I hear both excuses. You know, like, why would I flirt with someone I’m not into, I don’t want to give them the wrong impression. I’m not good at it. The list goes on and on. And I usually show everyone the excuses that they have after they’ve already said it, you know? So like you have them like written down. Yeah, yeah. It’s already there. Like, how did you know Mike was you’re not allowed, and everyone’s outcome oriented. So what that means is that if, if everyone’s being attached to what’s next, then it’s hard to flirt because flirting is about now flirting is about being present. It’s about creating a magnetism that just draws people to you. And I mean, this is kind of partly the work that you do as well. It’s that playfulness, sexual energy that you’re creating with someone without worrying about what that person might think or feel. You’re just doing you want. And so it’s very empowering as well. Yeah. The truth is, you can move on to anybody you want, like you have control, or you can have a playdate with anyone. But if you treat the world, I this is what I tell people all the time, treat the world as your playground, you can swing on a couple of swings with people you can cause and people like it’s more like childlike playfulness. Yeah. And be like, Oh my god, are you my boyfriend? Are you my girlfriend, right? That’s when people clam up and get in their heads. So that’s the first thing that I always teach people is, first of all, what’s your definition? What are your fears and excuses around it? And you know this as a therapist, as well, that usually it’s all attached to something else, right? People stop themselves based on what they’re attaching flirting and sexual kind of windows to. And it’s usually something from the past other relationships, fears of getting hurt again, whatever it is. So right are messages they got like even from their parents about though girls don’t do that, or you know what it is? So that’s the first step. And then after that, of course, I have like, kind of little formula that I teach people around flirting, and it’s different for everyone, but so much of it is nonverbal. You know, people worry about, like, Well, what do I say when I flirt? That’s part of it. But before that, it’s your body language, like what you don’t say is more important than what you say 93% of communication is nonverbal. I love that. So it’s an energy for a woman. All she has to do is like make eye contact and smile. And you have them you have a met Hello. So many people like what do I say? What do I sound like? Like, just don’t worry about what to say. How are you being? What’s your energy? Like? What are you wearing? Yeah, I love the way you’re describing this because it’s not like a Tips and Tricks thing. It’s really like highlighting this idea. Because you know, I talk about sexual energy being lifeforce energy. And I think flirtation is like sexual energy. Yeah. And, you know, I had an interesting experience with like, exactly what you’re saying. On Saturday, my friend had a booth at affair, it was kind of promoting her gym. And I just like, showed up for an hour or two to like, help her out and relieve her and they want to kind of breaking down early so I was helping with that. But they have these like tiny little dumbbells and like I was just being a goofball. I was like, you know, lifting like two pound dumbbells, like waving everyone who goes by and being like, hey, anyone need a trainer? And, and she was kind of joking to me, like, you know, how are you doing this? This is so good. I need you to be here all day. And I’m like, I’m just being flirtatious and not caring. And I think it was exactly what you’re saying. And I talked about the idea that, you know, there’s flirting with intention. But then there’s also people who just like flirt with like grandparents and babies. And it’s like, not about an outcome. And it’s like a way of life and a way of being so it’s exactly what you’re saying. I tell people all the time. Yeah, flirt with a dog flirt with a baby. And you also because like you don’t know who’s watching you and you don’t know if the person that you’re talking to maybe is not your person, but they knew somebody like this is a true story. I tell this a lot because it’s like one of my favorites is I was coaching a woman and we were you know, sitting at the bar and I was teaching her kinda like some of the tips and things that I wanted her to practice. And I entered a conversation with a gentleman first and then it was her turn and who sits next to us but an older gentleman. He was probably 20 years her senior, married and not her body type. I’ll just say that. Like, he wasn’t somebody she would be attracted to. And, like, everything about him was wrong down to the point where he was married. He looks at me, she’s like, Kim, I’m not doing it like Kimmy, do I have to do that. I’m like, Oh, you’re doing you’re doing it. And I said, I’m going to the bathroom. And I expect when I get back that you’re going to be in a conversation with them. And so so she you know, I’m like, you’ve just paid me a lot of money like the tough love part, right? Yep. So I come back and she did it. She started talking. Now this guy ended up being amazing. Like he was from New Zealand. He was holier Are Yes. And madly in love with his wife. He was showing pictures of his wife and ham and how they met and telling the beautiful story. Now I see my client kind of softening like, Oh, he’s a nice guy. I’m like, yeah, he’s a totally cool guy. And the middle of the conversation, he says, by any chance Are either one of you girls single. I said, Well, yeah, my friend here is my client. And he said, Oh, good. I was hoping you’d say that. Because I have a friend in town who I actually think you guys would really like each other. I’m like, Well, where is he bring them out? And he’s like, Yeah, I think I will. But we probably can’t meet you out too. Later. I said, that’s fantastic. So we exchanged information. By the end of the day, I like I created a monster because we have like all the meat, you know, at this hotel. And so he does. And he in walks, the friend who was dropped dead gorgeous, her age. And they completely hit it off. And that guy ended up being her boyfriend. That’s a really good story. stuff up. And like people always say to me, they’re like, Did you plant that person? Like, I don’t know that many people to plant like, I know, people, but not you know, it just happened. You’re right, though. Yeah. But when you create that energy, you just draw people to you, and you’re 100% in a more open state. And you’re in that open state, you’re taking the blinders off, and you’re really seeing who’s around you. And I find that so many people walk around with the blinders on or in target specific or, ya know, down in their phones. And, you know, they’re not putting things out with intention. And that’s half the battle. I love this whole idea. And I hope people can take that away, like, be open, just connect with humans, you know, like, I think if you’re just like, this is a human, I can connect with them. It doesn’t have to be a certain way or go a certain way. And also, like, I can bring the fun, they don’t even have to be a certain way. Oh, my head, I love that you said that. Because I always tell people, like, even if you’re going out on a bad date, have fun with yourself, like date yourself. Yeah, just like crack yourself up. And I always find you’ll learn something even on a bad date about maybe a new restaurant, or maybe someone in the restaurant that you meet, or you have an event of that, right, you know, like, there’s something that can come out of everything. And when you have that kind of open mindset that also creates opportunity. Like the world is your oyster, but so many people I think have been shut down. And also since the pandemic that didn’t help. I have so many stories like the one that I told, and only It’s because when you do the work and you’re open to it, things happen. Yeah, I totally agree with you. And I think it’s good timing with, you know, the pandemic kind of being over where people are wanting to connect, and you know, it probably is a little bit more of like trying to get over a hump now. Because it’s like they’re out of practice. So I think this is very timely information. I’d love to hear more about you know, still on the flooding topic. Women being in their feminine energy with flirting and like, what does that look like? Oh, this is such a great topic. You know, I have this archetype quiz, I’m happy to share it with your audience for women. And there are five types of women I find after doing this for so long, which is like an each archetype has a challenge around it. And I think the piece around femininity, except for one of the archetypes is kind of a through line with all of them. In that I just think as women were becoming so powerful in the workforce, and it’s amazing. And I think there’s confusion to around what that looks like. Because I think there’s a new surgence of femininity that’s different than maybe in the 1950s you know, that you don’t have to go back to that, you know, agree. Yeah. So it is a powerful essence. But I think for me, the way that I like to just define it is receiving is when your love and and, you know, just in that state of receiving again, like a man feels, I mean, if that’s what you’re into a man feels empowered to be the man and take care and you know, and if you are that kind of person that wants that. You allow it like that, right? Like, there was funny, I was coaching a couple of my VIP clients and we were in Vegas and what a perfect place to practice and you know, high powered woman CEO like go getter you know, she walks like she means it you know, I was just like in this to me is the femininity piece, just like just to slow down and to just like breathe into your environment and like Look around you and that’s part of receiving is just even being like aware of who’s noticing you and taking in your environment. When you slow down again, other things happen In any way she she darts, right to the bar to get herself a drink as a woman will wait, what do you do? And she’s like, I’m getting a drink. I’m like, let a man do that. She’s like, well, how’s that gonna happen? I’m like, it can happen very easily, but not the way that you’re walking into this room. So I had her son back the drink, and I said, Let’s go sit at the bar and just have some conversation and just be open to the possibility of receiving a drink. And by the end of the night, we had guys buying us drinks left, and right now, look, it’s not about the money or the drink, right? It was about the connection. And, you know, the men felt compelled to do that, because of the connection we created, but also the receiving, right and the shift in energy, like you’re saying sort of this closed energy that’s like very action oriented and like target oriented versus sort of, I’m going to be present and open and receptive and just like have an experience and not even know what’s going to happen. Yeah, and I think especially in this day, and age, everyone’s so quick, we’re in a swipe culture, right. So I know, everyone’s just like, so quick to do things like quick interaction quick this quick that run through life that. And so when you slow down and really take the time to make connections, to me, that’s part of femininity is a leaning back. So it’s an opening, it’s a leaning back, it’s a receiving mode. And with that is so much of it, again, is body language. I mean, it is about the messaging that we use and conversations and the way that we ask questions and being open. But it’s also about just this, you know, kind of nice, smiling, girly kind of fun that you get to create with your body language, too. So a lot of work on body language, it’s huge, and it’s often overlooked. That’s a really good point. And I think even as a therapist, you know, I was not like trained or educated really on body language, you know, some minimal stuff was mentioned here and there. But I agree with you, I think it’s something that’s kind of missing quite a bit, but that people are really interested in, ya know, and I mean, it makes sense to because we’re in a very cerebral world right now, especially with technology and talking therapy, and like, everybody’s so into, like, I’m going to work on myself, and I believe me, as a therapist, I really believe in that. But I just think pieces getting neglected and our social muscles are getting atrophied. You know, and I think that’s important. Yeah, and I think what you’re saying to, you know, it does apply, regardless of gender, you know, I think it’s kind of about an energy and like, a polarity. And so really finding, like what feels right for you, because I feel like I have a lot of masculine energy. But I’ve also noticed, I have a lot of feminine energy too. And I feel more relaxed, you know, so even I will think this is like an anxiety antidote as well. Right, I was joking. Well, I’m actually I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends up in the DSM at some point, that there should be a diagnosis of dating anxiety, like, Oh, for sure. It’s huge. It’s huge. And I just think, even with the swipe culture, and, you know, like, people just going so fast, it’s like creating a lot of, yeah, it’s a lot of anxiety. Yeah, we’re, we’re talking about this, I’m like, we just kind of took our hustle culture from work, and like, moved it over into dating. And it is all this, like, masculine energy. And I just had an interesting chat with a client earlier today, who’s a man, and we’re talking about that. And I do think it’s starting to shift and like you said, maybe there’s another wave of feminine energy or awareness coming around. But this idea that is women to be powerful, we need to be more masculine, is, you know, false. And like, we can be more equally or whatever, super powerful in feminine energy. And also, you know, even if you identify as a man, they’re just good for you to hear sometimes. Oh, my God, and there’s so many studies out there that as your femininity is more powerful than anything, you know, and so to your point, when women try to be a man, it just it doesn’t work. And actually, do you know, there was a study that showed that women who exuded more femininity and floatation even in the in the workplace, and not because they were being highly sexualized, I’m not talking about that, they were just seen as more charismatic. And so they got put in higher positions and there are more in leadership positions. And so when people can embrace that part that you don’t have to lose your femininity and you still are super powerful. Yeah, not that like men don’t have that you know, and so it’s something to really embrace. Yeah, although I do think the mentioned development and I will say a couple of my like most wealthy male clients ever both said like, unprompted that they felt like they had a quite a bit of feminine energy and that they felt that that was a helpful thing for them. Oh, I agree. And, you know, there is a new trend. That’s called the modern masculinity right now with dating, and it just came out in a report for 2023. And I want to hear all about a lot about it. But I will just summarize it with what you just said is that there is just this kind of like, now excitement around men expressing themselves more and using more emotion in the way that they interact. And it’s in, it’s seen as sexy now, and I love I love it. I mean, that’s you I’m into. Because it speaks our language, like that makes sense. And we still want like some sort of masculine energy. But it doesn’t have to look like the Marlboro Man or like, you know that in a traditional sense, you know? No, it got it’s like, just more of the modern version, I think, both men and women, we all have both masculine and feminine and absolutely, like how we use it. Yep. Yeah. And actually, even though if we’re talking with the modern guy, my dad’s about to turn 70. And actually, the he was a great example for me of that, you know, I felt like he was very masculine guy. But he also would like cry watching movies. And like, my mom took us to Florida for spring break with her parents, he would like cry when we were leaving, he’s very in touch with his emotions, super, like intuitive and empathic. And so I think that that’s important for men to realize too, is like, you can be these things, you can be great with emotions, you can be a great communicator, you can be intuitive, and not give up your masculine side as well, you know, or your masculine essence event. And again, regardless of gender, if you identify as non binary to like, yeah, just I think it’s important to create an awareness of like, what’s going on with your energy? And like, is it working for you? Exactly. And who you’re at, right? Right, because like, we all have different people that we’re attracted to, like, if your type isn’t working for you, then you got to look at you and change something so that you get a different result. Because, you know, I hear that all the time. Like, I’ll have women say, Oh, I just attract all these beta men and weak guys, I’m like, Okay, well, there’s a pattern. So we need to, like, look at that pattern, and we can’t change the man. But we can change something that maybe you’re doing to attract that. And this one, this particular woman was completely what I call the chief archetype. Like she was running her love life, like a business like the CEO. You know, I said, so. So I had to help her be more in her feminine and learning how to receive and slow down and, you know, like, there was a softening that Yeah, to happen. And even the clothes she wore, she wore great clothes, for business, like not her. Her dating costume, as I call it, you know, so we had to get more dating costumes. Yeah, I want to hear a little bit more about the makeover and like, how do you approach that with people? Because I think that’s such an interesting and important component of what you do that. I think people undervalue that in general, and specifically in dating, I love it. And like, and that’s why like, I cannot work with anybody until I see what they look like. I’m like that. That’s the first first thing because remember, now I work from the outside in. So it’s the first thing I look at. And sometimes changing the wardrobe. Sometimes it’s changing the body language. Sometimes it’s a make onder. Sometimes it’s like to oh, you know, and so, there’s different images that people portray, and it’s just a matter of like, is it working for them from the pictures they put online to how they dress when they’re out and about to like, on a date, what do they wear, so I’m very specific and intentional, and the way that I dress people and, and everyone can do this because again, like I like tactical things, I have the three C’s and kind of do your own audit at home. Love this, I doing this. So the first thing is the cut. That’s the first see and the cut is basically knowing your body type. I’m very scientific in the way I approach clothes. I’m not just like cookie cutter stylists from LA and say, Oh, you just wear those You look fabulous. Maybe you might look fabulous, but somebody might not look fabulous in the same outfit. And once you know what your body type is, there’s five body types. Actually, if you go to my website CAMI seltzer.com forward slash style, you can pick it up, and it teaches you how to measure yourself. And do you measure yourself, your shoulders, your waist, your hips, you know exactly what type you are and then in the guide I go over what clothes flatter your figure and what clothes to stay away from. It helps you with your confidence in your clothes, because like a lot of people might go shopping, they’re like, Oh, I hate shopping. Simply because they’re just putting on the wrong things. You know, like they might look at the mannequin and say, Oh, I like that outfit, but it’s wrong for their body. So great. We’re gonna hate it on themselves, you know? So that That’s really important. The second C is color. So color is a big part of attraction. You heard my red dress moment, if you are a woman, I will say, wear something red. And when your profile picks because it’s one of the most attractive colors for men, it’s been scientifically proven love to the case. And for men to wear blue, because blue usually attractive color for men. But you have to have the right color red for your skin tone. So you really know your skin tone and what works. You know, like an orange red might not look good on you, but a blue red will. And so that’s important and like in my story, if you are into black or you maybe live in New York, and that’s just kind of tile right? Like yeah, we’re black. No, don’t look at me. I love black. Don’t get me wrong. There’s a time and place I think guys find black sexy, and it’s slimming. Yeah, it’s just that, how are you using it? Like, is it that all you’re wearing? Are you wearing a tie? Right? But even if you’re wanting black, could you pop a red lip and or like some cool right glasses or like really bright purse, you know, something that makes them stand out and pop color is the second C. The third C is confident clothes, meaning everybody has an outfit in their closet that they know they feel confident in, right? Like if you don’t event tomorrow, you know, you pull that outfit, take that outfit out and like do an audit on it and say, Well, what is it about this outfit? That makes me feel great? Is it the color? Is it the way that makes you feel like the fabric? Um, do you get complimented in it? Like what is it and try to replicate that those elements of it, you know, in your outfit, I like this, I think these are things most people just never think about, right. And that’s what’s so fun. And I do these virtual makeover so and I can do them anywhere in the world, you know, and I help people create virtual closets and they put their pictures and then I go virtual shopping together. It’s kind of like, I pin different clothes into their closet, and they can purchase it right from the closet. Because I think it’s also empowering to start there. This is why I start on the outside. Because there’s not too many things in life, where you can get an instant result in something and nothing like coming out of the dressing room and feeling like amazing. It’s true. And like what would you say if people have like, gained weight recently? And they like kind of don’t want to buy clothes? Oh, that’s a good question. I mean, a lot of people that I work with have fluctuated in weight, like they either lost weight, and they don’t see their new body like in my story or their meaning weight. And I don’t want to invest in too much. What I will say is that, just because you’ve gained weight, and maybe you’re not happy, it doesn’t mean you have to wait until you’re 20 pounds thinner to put in your body. And so maybe you don’t want to invest in a lot of pieces. But what are some pieces that you can wear right now that make you feel confident, that can move with you. So maybe it’s just a pair of like leggings that kind of move with you, you know, that you can feel good with, with a couple like color tops or something like that. And I love helping people just create like clothes, or like an outfit that will conceal some of the areas they’re not happy with. Because, I mean, let’s face it, especially as we age, people gain weight in areas that never existed before. And but the not feeling good in your body is probably the biggest thing that stops people from putting themselves out there. Even with sexual stuff I know. Which I know you know what your podcasts about. And so yeah, like, if you knew that there were some tricks in your clothes that can make you feel confident right away. It makes a huge difference when you’re walking out. Usually does. And I kind of want to like challenge everyone listening. Think about a time when you put an outfit on and felt better because I know I’ve had those days where I was like, I don’t want to go to this event or like I don’t want you know, I just want to like be a blob and sweatpants. And I like put on the outfit anyways. I do like you don’t I have good hair. Daniel’s a good day like, right? I mean, image matters. I know we all want to think it’s superficial, but it’s not. There’s so much research out there. There’s actually shifts that go on in the brain. They’ve studied this, that when you wear certain clothes, the chemistry in your brain actually shifts. It’s fascinating. I’m not surprised. I mean, because I get the same thing a little bit with sexuality where, you know, people will say things like, well, you know, sex isn’t what should matter, like sex is, you know, kind of superficial or it’s just about like getting off or something. And it’s like, no, it was about so much more than that, you know, and I had a former client who kind of came in one day and he’s like, You know what, I decided that it’s okay for sex to be important to me. And I was like, Hello, yes. You know, I think it’s the same thing with appearance like it’s okay to care about how you look. It’s okay to care about how you’re presenting yourself. Absolutely. And you know, what’s interesting about image, a John Gray wrote a book called The winning image. And he defined image so beautifully. It’s like, it’s how others perceive you. And that determines how people will treat you. And it’s really true. Like, it only takes now research says seven seconds to make a first impression. It used to be 30 seconds just years ago. So like, look at how fast our brains are. And people are judging based on two things. They studied this, it’s what you’re wearing, and the attitude that you have. So that’s why like all this worry about what to say and how to proceed, or it’s like, it’s not even as important as how you show up. And once you get past that, it makes you more confident, you know that it’s a barrier that’s immediately broken down, where then you can work on the inside. I mean, that’s a longer game as you and I both know. And it’s super important. But this is like a boost that can absolutely help give yourself a Head Start people. Let’s not make it harder. Yeah, exactly. I will find things. Way more simpler than a lot of times people make it out to be Yeah, I think that’s a really good point. So tell us a little bit about the charisma quotient, like your signature program in general, like, how do you work with people? Well, right, like what I said, the three pillars are what I said before, it’s your style intelligence, your emotional intelligence and your social intelligence. And for me, it’s just, you know, in my first session, when people probably like you, I like to get a history from the time you are an embryo all the way up into now. And you get to see patterns, right? And, and it’s just a matter of, alright, well, what strategies do we need to put into place to break some of these patterns? Because I’m the forefront, somebody might come to me and say, you know, find me a man find me a woman helped me find love. It’s like, okay, I will help you do that. But there may be some things we need to work on along the way in order right there. I love this story, a woman, she That’s what she said to me. She’s like, find me my soulmate. I said, Okay, I can help you. But there are some skills that are missing, like I said, very skill based. So after, like, looking at those three areas, I determined that, you know, one of her biggest blocks was the way she was putting herself out there. Like she was hiding in her clothes, she was not okay, loving herself, you know, poor body image, you know, very insecure, low self worth. And so she was seeking the soulmate to fill up the validation of herself. And I had to reverse engineer it. I know you do work on that, too. It’s like, No, first you fill yourself up, and then you attract the light. Right? And so that’s what we did. And, you know, we did the makeover process, I was helping her like, with the emotional intelligence, express herself use feeling words in storytelling when she was on dates, like, very specific things, and then the flirting piece. And one of the things I tell a lot of my clients and they hate me in the beginning for it until they don’t, I said, you’re not allowed to be in boyfriend or girlfriend mode. Like, we’re taking you back to kindergarten, and you’re just learning how to play in the playground. That’s it. You have to like play with people you’re not attracted to you have to like, like, get along with everyone. Yes, exactly. And so what was so amazing at the end of the story, and of our coaching cycle, she ended up finding her soulmate. He was a great guy. And she said, you know, Kim, I am the happiest that I have been in my entire life. And weirdly, it’s not because of the guy that I met. I said, Oh, yeah. So what are you happy about? She said, for the first time. I love me. And I just remember, like, getting teary eyed and listening to him. Like, so you finally got that. Ha she’s like, Yeah, she’s like, and I know that even if this guy doesn’t work out, I still have me. I mean, that’s like the best place you could ever hope your client gets do the most like it. Same thing with the dating retreats that I have. And we do a lot like from salsa dancing to, to the whole makeover to taking pictures. You know, I do. It’s all experiential stuff. And all the attendees that the last one said the same thing. They’re like, wow, like, this really wasn’t a dating retreat. This is this. I’m like, Oh, you’ve got that great. So no. process. I guess I could sum it up by saying I help people fall in love with themselves so then other people follow up. Oh, well, thank you so much for like sharing all of this and I would love to tell people where can they find you if they’re curious to learn more about this amazing work? Oh, thank you so much for having me. First of all, super fun. I could talk to you forever. I feel like you’re a sister. Um, so yeah, you can go to my website is Kimmy seltzer KMY SEL TZ er.com and then you just put a forward slash style if you want to get that style guide, and all my social handles are at Kimmy seltzer. And then of course, my podcast that charisma potion. Yes. And her podcast is fun. I’ve listened to that as well. So go check that out. And I’m also going to do the style quiz. Because why wouldn’t you? listeners that archetype quiz to it’s in my website, but if you want a link to that, I’m happy to do that. Okay, yeah, I’ll put all of these links in the show notes, guys. So if you just scroll down on the episode page, you will find them all and they’ll be clickable. Thank you, Kenny. Thank you are you feeling stuck or shameful in your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life, and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
