19 Listener Sex Questions: Anal Sex, Women Approaching Women, Guilt with Masturbation, Roleplay & Squirting!
think that when we understand the value of masturbating, and when we understand how it’s different than, you know, being sexual with our partner, I think that can help us separate it. And I think it can help our partner too. So if our partner is feeling secure about it, when we’re able to explain and articulate what we get out of it, and why because most of us don’t really pause to think about it right? Then we might just think that, Oh, I was born in that moment, you weren’t around.
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy, in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Everybody, I am here this week with our very first listener question episode. And I’m really excited. If you’re not already in our Facebook group, you can hop over there and join. It’s a really way to submit questions, you can ask questions anonymously there, we’ve got a separate group chat going on, that’s been pretty active. And you can also submit anonymous questions on my website. So if you’re listening, and you’re like, hey, I want my question answered, you can go ahead and submit it there. Alright, so we’re gonna get into some pretty interesting topics. Today, we’ve got our first question on squirting. We’re gonna talk about orgasm, you know, sex, roleplay, approaching other women, all sorts of good stuff. But first, we’re gonna read one of our weekly reviews. So this is a review of the podcast that somebody posted on Apple podcasts, it helps the show grow, it helps spread this message of sex positivity, so that I can keep doing this work that I love doing. So. And just as a reminder, so if you guys have submitted a review, I might read yours. And if you hear yours being read, reach out to us, let us know because we are actually gonna be rewarding people for taking the time to leave reviews, because we know like, you’re all busy, right? And even though you might want to like actually make the time, you know, is a different thing. So if you do when you get a bundle of sex books, you can pick any three books from my Amazon storefront, and actually, not all of them are directly sex related. There’s some attachment books, there’s some general relationship stuff, there’s even some spiritual ones. So you can pick whatever you want. All right, so without further ado, the recent review I wanted to share. This was so refreshing the podcast I didn’t know I needed Thank you, Heather, wants to free yourself from those yucky old beliefs about sex, highly recommend listen to go deeper. So thank you so much for this review. And while I do like to get salacious occasionally, this podcast is really about like the deeper work, you know, letting go of shame, letting go of stigma, figuring out you know, emotionally psychologically, what is blocking us from having the sex life that we really want? Because my personal thought is when we do that work, the sort of tips tricks how to tends to fall in place. I’m curious what you guys think about that. But anyways, so let’s get into our first listener question. So this person asked about, how can I get my girlfriend to squirt for those of you who aren’t familiar, this is sort of a like a projectile orgasm, where fluid is coming out of the urethra for people with a vulva. So squirting is interesting, right? I think a lot of people are curious about it. Like why do some people squirt and not others? I’m not going to be able to answer that part of it today. But I do have some tips about how to get your girlfriend to squirt. So couple of things that you might want to try. First of all, you’re going to want to mentally prepare both of you for it taking a bit longer, right? And so squirting tends to happen more, especially the first time for somebody to squirt when you’re really really turned on. So I’m thinking not even just taking longer, with like the physical sexual acts, but taking longer just with the mental foreplay with the flirting with, you know, undressing and just really unlocking What are your girlfriend’s major turn ons? So I think that’s actually kind of the interesting fun part too, is this is an opportunity for you to go that much deeper and understanding her turn on. And I know the questioner had mentioned that she had gotten like her previous couple of previous people to squirt, but not this particular person. So I do want to say I think some people that’s just kind of their default setting, you know that there’s some kind of you know, liquid squirting situation happening most of the time for them. Whereas for most people, that’s not necessarily the default setting, but I do think it’s something that can be learned. That said, give another psychological tip here. And you’ve probably heard me say this before, if you’ve been listening, but when we attach to an outcome, when we’re sort of gripping on to, like, I gotta make her squirt, it is gonna kind of take us out of the moment, it could make the other person feel pressured. And we’re really kind of setting ourselves up for an anxiety producing situation. So my suggestion would be focus on the process, focus on Hey, this is going to be interesting, we’re going to do something different in, we don’t know what’s going to happen, right. But just by doing something different, we’re gonna have some more information. So if you look at it that way, kind of like we’re trying something different. We’re already winning, we’re already learning something, maybe we learn what doesn’t work. Who knows. That’s a positive. So I did attend a squirt shop. It was called the squirt shop. I think, back when I was in Chicago at the pleasure chest, shout out to the pleasure chest, love them. And, you know, one of the things was mentioned was, it’s going to take longer, maybe allow, we’ve been up to like 90 minutes, we’re just like, really, really not rushed. The other thing that was mentioned, was more internal stimulation, right. And so typically, a woman’s fastest route orgasm, or really, anyone with the clitoris fastest route to orgasm is going to include the clitoris. And so we’re not saying exclude, but we’re just kind of saying more focus internally, probably more G Spot focus. In general, there was a specific toy, it was one of the enjoy. I love that brand. One. So I will link to that in the show notes, if you want to try that out. But it kind of facilitate some of that internal stimulation. It’s not cheap. I will say that, but it was highly recommended by the workshop teacher. The other thing that that I’ve noticed is I had a really interesting chat with a friend of mine, who is you know, polyamorous and pretty sexually active with a lot of women. And he was saying in my observation to has been when you’re kind of pushing outwards. So normally, when we’re orgasming, there’s kind of like a pulling inward of the like vaginal canal, right? And there’s kind of like a physical like tensing, right, it’s like this tension, and then the release of orgasm. And so this is a little bit different, where instead of sort of this going internal tensing up, it’s sort of like a pushing, outward, releasing, and I think it’s the combination of lots and lots of buildup and being super turned on both mentally and physically. And then kind of that relaxation and pushing outward internal stimulation. And then the last thing that my friend and I kind of discussed and discovered we’re on the same page about was pushing the cervix like closer to the vaginal opening. And so this can be done by like squatting. And this is the person receiving the action, by the way, not not the person giving the action who asked the question. So this would be stuff to kind of instruct your partner on a little bit. So being in a squatting position, or having kind of the knees pushed into the chest will bring the cervix closer to the vaginal opening. I do also think you know, some people have longer vaginal canal, some people have shorter vaginal canals. So some people might not have to do that as much, but there seems to be something to that. So those are my tips on getting your girlfriend to squirt. I hope that helps. And thank you so much for the question. Our next question was about how do I stop feeling guilty from masturbating? And I did do a short follow up with this person to say, you know, is this like a religious girl? Like, where is this coming from? And he said, No, but that he had gotten some comments from his girlfriend, you know that she doesn’t like it when he’s masturbating. So a few thoughts about this one. First of all, you know, you’re not alone. If you feel some guilt masturbating. This kind of goes back to some of the other episodes I did on, you know, sex negativity and some of the messages, you know, fucked up ideas we’ve gotten about sex from our culture. So that’s possible. But this is something that comes up in relationships. And so I do want to specifically address that, from what I’ve learned, and from working with people, you know, masturbation is kind of in a separate category, I mentally put it in a separate category, because people who identify as asexual still masturbate, which I think is really interesting, right? Because whether or not there’s like a sexual turn on component, there’s still nerve endings, right? There’s still blood flow, there’s still a sense of, you know, euphoric release with orgasm. It’s still also good for the health of your genitals to bring blood flow and kind of activate them. So when we think about it that way, I think that kind of changes it up, right. I think sometimes our partners feel threatened by our masturbation. They may feel threatened in general and kind of feel like why do you need that if you have me, and the reason is because it’s your own body. It’s important to connect with your own body and your own mind. And there’s also the difference of you know, single focus. When you’re with someone else. There’s partial focus on your own pleasure and your own body and how your body’s responding and where your mind is at. And then there’s also a lot of awareness of okay, what’s going on with my partner? Are they having a good time? Do I need to make some adjustments? Okay, this, you’ve been in close, I really want to like laser focus on them, and maybe not as much on your own pleasure. So masturbation is different, right? Masturbation is all about you, it’s just gonna be all about you. You know, and if you’re somebody who has a little bit of self consciousness, or when you’re focusing on your partner, it’s hard to self focus on yourself. Masturbation is a really nice outlet for that. Also a great way to learn about your body and what works for your body. So you know, anyone who has difficulty orgasming, we always recommend, in general, most sex therapists anyways, pretty much all I’m aware of, to start with masturbation, because it works, you know, and because when it’s just you, there’s no rush, there’s not as much time pressure or there’s not as much self consciousness or body image concerns, you know. So I think that when we understand the value of masturbating, and when we understand how it’s different than, you know, being sexual with our partner, I think that can help us separate it. And I think it can help our partner too. So if our partner is feeling secure about it, when we’re able to explain and articulate what we get out of it. And why because most of us don’t really pause to think about it right? Then we might just think that, oh, feels good. You know, I was horny in that moment. You weren’t around or, you know, there’s also complexities with relationships, like, I was horny, and you were around, but I’ve been feeling rejected by you, or I’ve been feeling annoyed by you. Right? And maybe we don’t want to say that. So we just like do our thing. But that might be worth looking at you, you know, is there an element of avoiding that connection with your partner? And that’s where I think some partners don’t mind masturbation until it interferes with your sex life. And so I think, looking at that, is it to a point where it’s like, I’m kind of avoiding working on some relationship issues with my partner, because it’s easier to just take care of my own sexual needs and, and then kind of avoid the difficult emotional discussions, you know, is that going on? Is there some compulsive, you know, porn use masturbation, other sexual activities that actually are interfering, where, especially if you’re somebody with a penis, that you maybe have a refractory period, you know, where you’re not ready to get hurt again, or you’re not ready to orgasm again, because you were just masturbating. And so then you’re not able to kind of perform with your partner. So that’s what I would look at, like, is it interfering with the relationship? If it is, that’s probably a good time to reach out to a sex therapist, if there’s some kind of compulsive obsessive issues. Another thing that I see with penis owners is that there’s sometimes like a death grip on the penis. And this often goes hand in hand with the porn, where it’s almost like, almost like you’ve discovered, oh, if I squeeze harder, I’m going to orgasm better, or I’m an orgasm faster, and then it becomes a pattern. And then it seems like your body needs that. And then when you’re not getting that with, you know, like a vagina, or a partner’s hand or something, it’s just not as enticing. And so that can be another factor involved. So I would look at some of those things. And then in terms of the guilt, so hopefully, that helps if you’re able to clarify with your partner, I think also focusing on masturbation benefits can help with the guilt. And then lastly, I would just look at your own thoughts, you know, so are your thoughts like, Oh, that was so bad, I shouldn’t have done that, that’s gonna contribute to guilt. You know, if you replace it with a thought of, Oh, that felt great, it was kind of nice to connect with myself and have my own time. Also, I just kind of, you know, got some good blood flow and increase the health of my genitals or, you know, had an orgasm and improved my lymph system. And so doing. So that’s my thought about that. I hope that’s helpful. Our next question, I’ve been asked this one a bunch of times, but it’s about you know, women who are maybe sureness about being with other women, or, you know, bisexual, lesbian, maybe haven’t been with a woman ever, you know, approaching other women. And so I do hear a lot from people that it’s just kind of harder as a woman approaching other women, you don’t know who’s open to women or into women necessarily right away. I think there’s also a societal thing about, you know, men are supposed to approach or initiate and I think that’s changing a lot, which I think is probably a good thing. And so kind of being the initiator may not be used to having to initiate, right. It might kind of be like, Oh, this is so uncomfortable. And so that’s, that’s Another one where you can work with your thoughts and like lower the stakes. And just kind of this is just a human, let’s take them off a pedestal, let’s just sort of enjoy being flirtatious, just to be flirtatious. Let’s be curious about someone else, I think one of the best ways to get out of our own head in terms of approaching is just to be curious about someone else. So if this is, you know, a stranger, start by saying, you know, Hey, how’s it going? Like, tell me more about you? Or ask them a specific question like, Oh, I love giving compliments, you know, Oh, those are really cute earrings. Where are you gonna, you know, just, hey, you know what time it is, you know, I mean, you could be you could be real basic, and depending on where you’re at, in your comfort level with approaching people. So I do think just getting over the approach. Now, if this is somebody you’re like, you already know you’re already friends with and it’s a matter of like changing the relationship. I do think you have to be kind of mindful of that. And you can maybe ask some general questions. Hey, have you ever kissed a girl? Have you ever thought about it? You know, see what they say? Yeah, they might ask why? You might, you will have to decide how much you want to share. But it comes down to vulnerability, right? And the more you’re feeling secure in yourself, the more you know, you’re going to be okay, even if you get to know, which honestly, is a great feeling. Like when you know you’re going to be okay, either way, you can be confident you can be fully yourself, you’re not as anxious or self conscious. But start small start with just you know, okay, I’m just gonna start commenting to women. Before I say like, Hey, do you want to go out sometime? Or, Hey, I’m actually kind of attracted to you. You know, I know, we’re friends. But I’m feeling more than that. What are your thoughts? You know, and I have worked with couples, poly fuels, all sorts of different situations where females have been hooking up with their other female friends, or acquaintances. So it does happen. And I would also think about like, okay, is this a friendship? Where if it’s a no, are we going to be able to get through it? Do we have good communication and respect in general? You know, am I gonna need some time am I gonna need to set up some boundaries. So that’ll be a thought. The other thing you can do is like, we have the whole world wide web these days, right? So like us dating apps, if you’re just someone who’s curious about having some sexual experiences with other women, Craigslist used to be a thing that’s not anymore. But there’s an app called field F e LD, I can link to that in the notes as well. And that that app, I would say is like queer, friendly, poly friendly, kink friendly. So if you’re looking for some experiences in any of those realms, check it out. You can also try FetLife. Depending if you’re kind of more into the kink or BDSM scene. I don’t think that one’s is good for dating purposes. I think field is probably the way to go with that. There’s actually a dating app called her I believe, it can link to some of these apps as well for you guys. So be curious, even OkCupid. You know, I mean, most apps these days, you can put in that you’re a woman looking for women, and then you’re kind of cutting out the awkwardness of like, Are you single? Are you into women, you know, because they have signed up for an app and said that they are. So that’s one of the things I like about online dating in general. Yeah, communication, communication is always key. All right, let’s do one more. So let’s do the pain with anal sex one. So I could do a whole episode on sex. And I’m sure I will at some point. But my, my initial comment is going to be lube, lube, and more lube, I’ll add a little bit more nuance. So basically, if you’re having pain with anal sacs, and this person has kind of said that it got to the point where there was even like bleeding the last time or she was feeling kind of sore pain for like, a couple days afterwards, that should not be happening, right? I mean, we got to take care of our bodies. I think first and foremost here. If you’re not signing up and consenting to that kind of pain, that’s not something you’re seeking out in like a masochistic way, then like that should not be happening. All right. So just like on that communicate that you need to be pretty turned on, right? So I’d say foreplay is so important in your life, because you’re going to hear me say that so much. I should also do a foreplay episode. Maybe that can be the next one. But foreplay is so important. You want to be in the mood, yes, using lube, I would also say, you know, it depends on the size of the penis or whatever you’re putting in there, right? Especially if it’s a larger penis, you’re gonna want to put a you know, a butt plug or some kind of like anal beads or something, to get yourself used to accommodating something that size, right? Because this is not really something that the Amish was designed to do, per se, or at least not too much or for too long of a time. And so you do want to be mindful of that. And so I would say, you know, put a toy of some kind that’s body safe, you know, silicone metal, something like that with lube, and then take it out and then trials x and then the other thing is, you know, go slowly go at your own pace, and you might even need to say to your partner Whose penetrating, hey, can you actually just be still and let me do the movement, right, and then you have more control, and then you can respond immediately to what’s going on. Alright, so I hope that that helps. Those are my main tips. So lube, get foreplay get really turned on, use Applebee’s or a butt plug to warm yourself up, then more lube and the penetration where you get to control the pace. And if that’s not working, I mean, because when you don’t do this stuff, you can get anal fishers, you can get hemorrhoids, like you can kind of put yourself in a world of hurt. And so when you mentioned bleeding that makes me think there are some anal fissures. So like, allow yourself to heal if something like that has already happened before you revisit, you know, sex at all. And then last question, I will answer I think there was one more. So this person asked about beginner roleplay. So, you know, hey, we tried out like a naughty nurse scenario. You know, I felt super awkward. My partner said it was great. But like, what advice do you have for beginners? So I would discuss expectations with partners ahead of time, what are you hoping to get from a roleplay? And if you haven’t go back to some of my previous episodes where I talk about how to communicate about sex, I think that was maybe episode two. So yeah, how do we want to feel in the roleplay? Do we want to kind of really take it seriously and embody these characters? Do we want to kind of like be goofy and playful? And kind of it’s okay, if we break character? Is it really more about the outfits for us than anything else? Or just kind of getting in that zone? And then you’ll kind of have a more of a sense of like, okay, how do I want to be approaching it? And this actually will be another question ahead of time to what excites my partner about it, is it hey, we got to express a totally different side of ourself, you know, maybe you’re normally pretty, you know, vanilla and you go through certain steps. And then maybe you get to have an alter ego, maybe you get to be like, Ooh, I’m going to be the bad girl today. And so the good girl, or, you know, maybe I’m going to be submissive guide today. Or maybe I want to do a roleplay, where I’m like, a superhero type of person. Right? And just like super confident, so you can even approach it that way. Like, what is this character? Like? How do I want to be what would be a different fun thing to kind of embody? You can also try doing it for limited time. Maybe at first, it really is just about the outfit. And it’s like, okay, cool. I’m putting on the naughty nurse outfit, because this turns my partner on. But then it’s gonna come off and we don’t really have to stick with the roleplay. Right. And so half that discussion, I had a time like, in your mind in your fantasy, how does it go? So that would be my recommendation for starting off. I would also say choose roles that maybe are somewhat familiar or comfortable for you if you’re just starting out. So maybe we’ve all had teachers before, right? So it’s like, okay, cool. I’m going to be a teacher. And I kind of know some things a teacher would do, like, don’t pick that you’re going to be a rocket scientist. If that’s not something, know anything about or don’t take that you’re going to be a construction worker, if like, that’s very unfamiliar, right? I wouldn’t start there. You can totally go wherever you want with this, right? But if you’re feeling like I’m a beginner, how can I get over some of the awkwardness, I would pick something where it’s like, oh, this is like a job I used to have. Or, you know, this is similar to a role that I’ve had in real life. Or it could even be exactly the same role. But like, when you loop your partner into the scenario, it becomes sexy, right? Or maybe you play with something that feels like taboo or forbidden or would have been against the rules in a role that you have now or have had in the past. So that is my advice for beginner roleplay. So thank you guys so much for joining us. Next week, we will have an amazing guest so be sure to check back in next Monday for our next episode. And again, you’ll find all the links in the show notes thanks everybody. Are you feeling stuck or shameful and your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
