02 The Real Reason You’re Not Talking About Sex!
Talking about sex can be part of the foreplay.
Hey everybody, today we’re going to talk about the real reason that you’re not talking about sex. So this is an important topic, if you ask me. So talking about sex is so fundamental, because it’s like the building block, like any, any sexual issue that you have, in order to resolve it, you’re typically going to have to have some kind of conversation, some kind of agreement, some kind of, you know, expressing of emotion and listening and understanding. And yet, when I work with clients, I find that this is an issue where maybe they haven’t been having sex in a while, or, you know, maybe there’s kind of a fear of rejection, because it is vulnerable, you know, like, there is a sense of vulnerability, and saying what you want or even receiving feedback from your partner, right, it can be an area where we’re pretty sensitive, and we want to make sure that we’re pleasing our partner, we want to make sure we’re, you know, a good lover, that they’re happy with us, it can be something people are self conscious about. Sometimes people might feel shame and sharing what they’re into or afraid it could be a deal breaker for their partner. And I do think this is one of the most common reasons why people see a sex therapist, because they’ve tried talking about it on their own and haven’t gotten anywhere, and have maybe kind of defaulted to just giving up like, okay, we’re not getting anywhere, or we’re getting into fights. And you know, it’s painful. And so we could use some help. So we’re gonna get into a few different aspects of communicating about sex. And so the real reason people aren’t talking about it is that fear of rejection, if I had to pick one reason, that would probably be it. We’re worried, we’re worried about our feelings being hurt and experiencing that rejection, we’re also worried about hurting our partner. So it does kind of go both ways. You know, I work with a lot of considerate empathic people who are kind of like, Hey, I don’t want to bring this up, hey, I’m interested in having other people in the bedroom, or I’m interested in doing something different than what we’ve always done together. Because your partner might be like, Oh, am I not good enough for you? Oh, you don’t like what I have been doing? Like, you know, and we’re trying to prevent that type of reaction. So I’m going to give you guys as many tips as possible today, I’m not going to say that this will definitely prevent a feeling of rejection, this will definitely prevent hurt on either side. But I think it will least help facilitate having a healthy discussion. So one of the things that is probably the most important with being able to have this discussion for, you know, both people or whoever’s involved, is that security or sense of security comes from the inside. So a lot of times when we’re having these conversations, we’re actually looking to our partner for reassurance. So we’re looking for validation of you, no, no, you’re totally sexier. Like, of course, I love what you’re doing, or Oh, my God, that fantasy you just shared is so hot, I’m 100% on board, right? Like, we’re kind of looking for that, you know, yes, you’re great. You’re amazing, you’re sexy, I love you. I’m crazy about you. I’m like wildly attracted to you, you know, we’re kind of looking for that which is human, right? We’re not trying to beat ourselves up over it either. But to at least have that awareness of like, Oh, I’m putting something out there and kind of looking for a specific response. Rather than just allowing my partner to respond, however they respond, and validating myself, even if we do have that inner security, by the way, where we’re like, I am sexy, I’m amazing. I’m a wonderful person, I’m doing the best I can, yes, I have flaws, and that’s okay. And I’m willing to look at them, and I’m willing to grow. And, you know, it’s all good. And it’s all acceptable, even when we have some security like that. It’s still vulnerable, right? Because even if we are able to kind of put ourselves out there, and we know, you know, even if I don’t get that reaction I want from my partner, I know, I’m going to show up for myself, I know I’m going to be okay, I know I have, you know, good enough self esteem. And you know, it’s still gonna hurt, we don’t get the reaction we want. So I do want to be clear about that. We’re not looking to eliminate vulnerability, actually think vulnerability is such a key ingredient to intimacy. And, you know, again, I think being able to be vulnerable, emotionally, really facilitates being able to be vulnerable physically and sexually. So it’s a good place to start. If you feel like you’re in a situation where you’re just not connecting sexually as much as you would like to then start with you. motional part, if that’s not really there yet start with bringing up ideas start with, you know, having conversations. And along those lines, I will say you can have a meta conversation. So you can have a conversation, where you talk about how can we create a safe space for each other? How can we facilitate each other doing some of that emotional risk taking and being vulnerable? And this can look like, Hey, if you share a fantasy, I am going to receive it without judgment. And it might not be something I’m into. But you know, I’m going to listen, I’m going to be curious, I’m going to try to understand it, I’m going to see if there’s some aspects, if not all of it that we can incorporate into our sex life together. But sometimes someone might share something, and we have sort of a knee jerk reaction of like, why? Or we have a knee jerk reaction, like, oh, you know, kind of ill or disgust. And so you kind of need to be prepared going into these conversations sometimes for that reaction to come up within you, and to be able to manage it. And so having that discussion, were like, Hey, we might have a reaction like that. Can we just agree that we’re going to manage it ourselves? And there’s a great saying within the kink community that says, Don’t Yuck, my Yum, don’t? Yes, my I am. So it’s kind of like, if this is a yummy thing for me, if this is like a big turn on, if this is like something that brings me pleasure, like I’m being vulnerable, I’m going to tell you about it. And can you not be like ooh, gross, or like, Oh, that’s weird. Or like, what? Why would you ever want to try that? Right? So we’re looking to kind of be kind, be kind when you’re being vulnerable with each other. So that can be part of the meta conversation of like, let’s agree not to yuck each other’s yum. And to kind of manage our own reactions internally. Another piece of it could be, you know, maybe you haven’t had sex in a while. And there’s some performance anxiety, understandably, right. And so it could be like, Hey, let’s try this. But I want you to know, like, I don’t know, it’s been a while I don’t know how I’m gonna perform, that feels vulnerable for me, you know, and I had this experience with a couple and the, the wife was, like, you know, just you trying actually means a lot like, I’m looking more for the effort than a certain outcome or a certain results. And I’m also very open to this being a process. So like, if we kind of try first time out of the gate, and it’s like, okay, not 100% there. It’s better than 0%. Right. So So I think taking that approach, that could be part of the meta conversation of like, you know, what we’re going to be in a process here, we’re not going to be overly attached to an outcome right out of the gate, which, by the way, attaching to an outcome, just in general, tend to create more anxiety. So I recommend just kind of like, hey, let’s just engage let’s be in a process together. And sometimes there’s logistical issues that come up, right? Sometimes it’s like, Oh, can you move this way? Or can you move that way, you’re like, Oh, I can’t quite, you know, and you’re trying to like get in the right position. And there can be some awkwardness I want for you guys to be able to withstand that awkwardness, to know that you can have some awkward moments. And that doesn’t mean the sex is bad, you know, that you can have some awkward moments, and get through them together. And that that’s not a deal breaker at all for the relationship because, you know, sex can be awkward bodies can be awkward, and until you have some of the conversations. And of course, there’s a lot of nonverbal communication as well with sex, but until you communicate in one way or another and get on the same page and address it in some way, you’re not going to know, right? So we need to kind of have those meta conversations and create the safe space, so that we can get to where we want to get in terms of sex. So that can help with creating a sense of safety, a sense of security in the relationship. And then of course, you’re working on that security from the inside, like we talked about. And that looks like not abandoning yourself, learning how to manage your emotions, and being kind to yourself with your internal dialogue, and working with your own triggers. So if you get triggered by your partner, if you become emotionally reactive, to know that you’re going to show up for yourself with that, and that you’re going to be able to tap into yourself energy. So we’re going to talk more about internal family systems, which is a method of therapy and coaching that I do. And we’re going to talk a little bit about, you know, how can you get into yourself energy because we all have this higher consciousness that is calm and competent and playful, and warm and loving and more unconditional and more spacious. And so the more we can be in that state when we’re living life in general, but definitely when we’re connecting to our partner and definitely when we’re talking about something vulnerable, the better and so even just having that thought and that awareness that, you know, hey, I’m not in the right headspace. I know I’m kind of in a reactive headspace. That’s not the headspace to go have this conversation. First, get yourself in a good headspace, it can help to do some journaling, it can help to focus on what you appreciate about yourself, it can help to focus on what you appreciate about your partner, it can help to envision how you want things to go, and how you want to show up in that conversation. That can be important too. So anyway, so we’re having this meta conversation, right, we’ve we’ve kind of done the work we’ve gotten in alignment, we’re talking about talking, that’s the meta part, talking about talking about sex. And the other piece is that I think we need to be really gracious with ourselves and with our partners, because none of us were taught to talk about sex, like, in fact, our culture completely teaches us not to talk about sex, or only to talk about the potential for disease, or the potential for unwanted pregnancy, or, you know, the, the judgments around sex are often talked about. And so talking about it in this way, is new, this is different. So I would say just give yourself a pat on the back like this is a little bit of a radical behavior in a sense to even try and talk about it when we’re taught not to. The last piece that I want to mention is that this doesn’t have to be like, oh, gosh, we have to talk about sex, and I have, like mentally prepare myself is gonna be so hard, it can be fun, it can be not only fun, it can be connected with your partner. And it can actually be a turn on talking about sex can be part of the foreplay. And you know, when you’re engaged in, you know, what you think is sexy, and what you think is hot and coming at it from that kind of fun, a little bit, like turned on a little bit flirty, in your sexual energy, that could lead to a very good time. So I just want to plant that seed for everyone listening as well, that, you know, have a good time talking to your partner about what you’re into. And once you create that safe container, where you know, you can say things, you know, it can be received kindly, you know, sky’s the limit, go for it, put it out there. And I also want to mention, you don’t have to put everything out there in the first conversation. So this, this can be a process where I’m going to start to dip my toe in, I’m going to start to make sure my partner can provide a safe space, I’m going to start to be more of a safe space for them and let them know like, hey, I can handle this. And if you mentioned something, I’m not into you or something that I had no idea you liked, or was kind of shocking to me, like I can handle that. So the more you build that sense of trust and safety and being able to manage the emotions, the more you’re going to be able to you know, uncover layers and get to the deeper layers of, of what really excites you and what turns you on and what your fantasies are, and even kind of on a bigger picture level, like what’s your vision for the kind of sex life you want to have with your partner. So yeah, have fun with that. If this resonated with you this topic of talking about sex and vulnerability and intimacy on both the emotional and the physical level and getting through the fear of rejection, share this with your partner, even just sharing this episode can be a great foundation for you to getting on the same page to then have the conversation. So share it with your partner, if you have friends who talk to you about sex or wants to start talking to about sex, share it with them. And yeah, we’ll also link to some resources in the show notes. So thank you everybody for joining me and we’ll catch you in the next episode.
