026 Religion, Sexual Shame & Tantric Teachings with Tilly Storm
if that’s something you’d like, help people figure out like you have some clients where you’re like, Oh, I think you’re kind of unnatural dumb. I definitely have a couple. And I didn’t have one lesbian couple that she her partner was definitely more than masculine energy, and she got it. And so she had a very, very challenging time connecting with feminine, interesting, but she wanted to desperately and Okay, that was like the state that she desired. She wanted to be able to surrender and let go, but I remember doing an inner feminine integration process with her and she really struggled connecting with what being in her feminine would even look like.
This is the ASPCA sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey everybody, welcome to this fun episode with Tilly storm of the multi orgasmic Millionaire podcast so I was on Tillys podcast I think you were actually one of the first podcasts I was a guest on Yeah, it was awesome enough that you’re willing to come on mine so I didn’t even have a podcast and though so it’s it’s fun. It’s like feels like a full circle moment. So let me introduce Tilly officially to you guys. Tilly storm is a holistic sex and intimacy coach for millionaires seeking to embody their pleasure and have the best sex of our lives. hosted the multi-orgasmic Millionaire podcast since 2017. She has been recognized as one of the top 26 coaches in the world by the coach Foundation, and her podcast has reached over 300,000 listeners is a certified sex and intimacy coach. Tilly uses deep transformational tools and techniques inspired from the Taoist and tantric arts, somatic healing psychotherapy in a variety of coaching modalities to support high achieving men and women to experience epic sex and pleasure in the bedroom and beyond. Check her out at Tilly storm.com. So thank you so much, Kelly, for joining me. It’s cool that you’ve been doing this, like I didn’t even realize you had your podcast was almost six years. Yeah, that’s wild. Yeah, so tell us like, how did you even get into this field? I mean, most of us didn’t start out in this field. So I feel like there’s usually some kind of slightly interesting winding story. So how did you end up here? Yeah, for sure. Well, which I think is maybe timely with the topic we’re going to be discussing today. But I grew up Southern Baptist, right outside of New Orleans, Louisiana. And I had a lot of shaming around walking out of the bathroom naked. When I was six years old. I remember my parents fussing at me one time, and that being like a really big imprinting moment for me. My parents never talked to me about sex. I hid my period from my mom for like a year. All of those things, and I had children when I was young, fairly young, I was 23 when I had my first 26 With my second and then when I was 27. I was married at the time, and my husband had made a comment about how I was only able to orgasm in one way. And I also at the same time he told me that I was thinking okay, there’s gotta be more to pleasure and sex than this because I’m 27 years old and if this is it someone shoot me now I don’t understand what all life is about. I you know, had two children my even though I’m, I guess beautiful by traditional beauty standards, tall and thin. My boobs were so saggy and gross. Like, I hated them. I did not want to have sex with the lights on. I was so uncomfortable in my body. I wanted to be that woman that like tried kinky things, and tried to do things sexually with my husband at the time. And no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t and I interested to figure out like, Okay, why do I feel so shy and embarrassed and uncomfortable in my body? And was so that led me to read a ton of books, and that was 2015 and then somewhere around there. And then I learned and heard about the Jade egg practice, which is something that I teach. So I did that it and within two months of doing it, it changed my life forever. Wow. I’m gonna ask you more about that too. Well, you know if some of you listening have heard of Gwyneth Paltrow and her Jade eggs and all that stuff, she talks about the Jade eggs all the time. So the JTAG is something that I did. And I literally woke up after two months of doing the practice. And it was like, all of that religious conditioning and like, human discomfort and my body. It was all gone like overnight, and I was like, Oh my God, how does not everyone know about? That’s wild. Yeah, to kind of doing these, you know, and I don’t know that much about it, like physical exercises you’re doing or is there like an emotional spiritual component to it? Yeah, it’s definitely all things physical and emotional and spiritual. It’s a holistic sex tool from the Dallas tradition. It was brought over to the United States, about 45 years ago, by Montauk chia. He’s a Dallas master. Because it was a He who brought over? I was all surprised by that. Okay. Yeah. But the practice has been modernized for the needs of women today, and people who have a hard time getting out of their head and sex women who have a difficult time having orgasms in different ways, women who aren’t having very satisfying pleasurable sexual experiences, the JTAG is the quickest, fastest way to help you experience more pleasure. And it just a better connection with your body and feeling like you can accept and love your body and all those sorts of things. So yeah, that’s what it’s about. So I got this amazing after that, and I signed up to do a sex love relationship coaching training that took me two years to do. And I got certified on all the things sex coaching. So, so cool. So and then, and then you left that marriage at some point, right? Yeah, right. When I started my business, it was a tragic ending. It was not, it was not fun. And I don’t I don’t divulge it on the the airwaves. But yeah, it wasn’t like, I want to get divorced. Let’s get divorced. Got it. Okay. But it seems like you’re in a better place. Now. I have been with my partner for three years now. So yeah, yeah, very cool. And I love viewing sex is a journey. And so it’s really cool to hear, like, where you started, and the journey you went through, and then, you know, winding up now or, you know, you have this long running podcast and this career, and I’ve done your own personal transformative work, which I actually think is really important. And since I kind of came through more of an academic path to this work, it’s not emphasized, you know, I do have my own path. And I have done my own work, but it wasn’t required. I know. I think I mean, I don’t think you could require people to like go do sexual things. But like, I feel like we should do that, even if they’re not required. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, that’s why I chose the training that I did. Because I have a very high academic background, I was, well, I had already received a master’s degree. I had actually went to school to be an OBGYN. Oh, interesting. So I was all in academia as well. But when I found the training and chose the training, I did I chose it because it required doing your own thing. Like, really the first third of the program was doing your own internal work. And to me, that’s, like, there’s something when you work with someone that’s done their own work, like you’ve been doing, like, level of trust and embodiment and transmission that teacher holds when they have that. Absolutely, yeah, totally agree with you. Okay, so our real topic today is not going to be the JTAG and Tillys journey, although we could keep going on those probably for a while. But we’re gonna talk about religious shame and guilt, which is part of your story. So I appreciate you sharing that. And it’s actually a little bit of my story as well, which I think I’m realizing more recently that I was like, Oh, that actually was part of my story, wasn’t it? But yeah, you mentioned you know, specifically having some some clients recently, where, you know, you were really getting into the religious shame and guilt and like helping them kind of unpack that and heal from that and move on. I would love to hear more about like, what do you see with these types of clients? Like how, where are they at when they come to you? What have they kind of gone through or what’s led to some of the shame and guilt? Well, I work with some very high level clients, and a lot of them come to me and they don’t know what’s going on. They may have done some therapy before and they don’t understand why things aren’t shifting and changing. A lot of them have the very perfectionist identity, let me just pretend like everything on the outside is okay. Put on my happy face, and I’m gonna push through, and I’m gonna act like everything is perfect, including my marriage, even though we haven’t had sex in three months, right? Or their husbands just work all the time. And they are having a really hard time connecting with them. So what I often see is that there’s usually a pattern with this perfectionist type woman who appears to have it all together and has it all right. She’s trying to hold up that image. And sexually, she feels like the biggest fraud, like she’s just trying to sound like a porn star. He’s just kind of doing it out of obligation. A lot of pleasure in it for her. And a lot of that when I work with people, it stems from just trying to be what you think you should be sexually, but not really having any sense of connection with your original sexual essence, which the religion that you probably got brought up, extended, have you completely? Yeah, so see more about that? Because you mentioned when we were emailing that, you know, sometimes these people are actually quite sexual beings. Yeah. But you know, what kind of messages are they getting to religion and like, does that kind of just squash their sexuality or like, what happened? It goes one of two ways. One, they’re so sexual. And I have a couple of clients right now, where this is the thing, it’s not that they lack sexual desire or don’t want sex, it’s that they get so obsessed with having a particular sexual experience of like, I’m gonna have this orgasm and this way, and if I can’t figure out how to get it, because they’ve achieved all of the things that like anything they want, they can snap their fingers, and they get, but then there’s the thing that they can’t make their body do and it’s like a frickin obsession. So they’ll get really new, like, I want to be able to have an orgasm from penetration, I can only have a clitoral orgasm, or can only use a vibrator. And like if I can’t achieve this thing, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Right? Or it goes the other way, where they’re just so disinterested in that and there’s no pleasure and they’re not having any orgasms because, okay, they’re not, you know, they’ve Yeah, enacted from their sexuality in general. So it’s like a high birth trauma response. response. That is interesting. So it’s kind of polarizing. with it. I hear that question too, about, like, I’m not having like a real orgasm, because it’s not just from penetration, like, what do you tell those people, oh, people, I God blossom like a lot about unwinding the conditioning. Like I, I am a believer, a firm believer that all women can have whatever type of orgasm they want. So I preached that, and I agree with that. So I will help them have what they want. But they have to learn to let go. The goal, because I’m sure that let’s the number one killer of any sort of pleasure really is orgasm, use fear as is trying to have one. Yeah, it’s like a recipe for being anxious and in your head and totally not present. Which is what I have to teach them how to stop doing how to go the route of anxiety, which has a lot to do with guilt and shame. We got to get the perfectionist identity out of the picture and empower something else. Where’s your dress? How do we get you in touch with your intersex got us? And how do we leave this part aside and take it out of your current sex life? Right? Yeah, that’s some of the inner work that’s gotta go on. Yeah, that’s awesome. So how do these people relate to their religious? So are they still part of these religions that are either, okay, so that because that I think is interesting to me is like, how do you work with people who maybe come from, you know, a fundamentalist Christian background or a Mormon background, or something that’s, you know, a little bit more extreme, but then kind of want to be really like sexually free and, you know, so like, how can they reconcile those two? Like, how does that work? I have only had one client that I took on that quit, she was Catholic and still practicing. She’s like, I can’t do this, like, gotta get out of my bedroom and I’m like, Okay, well, then we can’t work together. So yeah, my work it involves all doing self pleasure practices and sexual Yeah. Okay. So that’s the question I have to pose to the people who still are in the religion. I’ve worked with many Mormons, they actually make really great clients because they show up and do all that. I would think so too. Yeah, I think I mentioned to you I’ve also worked with some more Mormons or former Mormons Yeah. And I’ve worked with several Jehovah’s Witness and many mentalist Christians and is As long as you can accept the fact that you’re going to be told to self pleasure, and if you can find peace with that, then I can take people on. But if they can’t remove them can’t and I can’t work with that. Okay, so you’re just really upfront about it. And then they’re usually fine with it if they choose to work with you. That’s cool. Yeah, one of the things I have found, because I’m curious, if you have found this at all, I almost sometimes think there’s like a little advantage, almost like people who grew up in more of like, an extreme, more fundamentalist, religious way. Because I find that those people really start questioning things that maybe if you grew up in more of like, an average way, those people we don’t question as much like, do you see that? Yeah, I do. Religious trauma is real, very real. I had it. And I knew that’s what was holding me back. So when my husband at the time that said, you can only have an orgasm in one way with that, I inherently knew the source of it. I was like, oh, because of all of the shit that I got raised with. So I just knew that some people, I have to teach that and help them understand, here’s why you don’t feel safe to have sexual desire. And if the few moments that you did have sexual desire and lust, and that energy flowing through you, the few times that you may have felt it, you just shut it down. Because you learned early on that wasn’t safe to have mama Kachou you know, all of those things, it really takes a person out of their body and puts them in their head. So when people to make that connection of like, oh, I go into my head, because it’s safe to be up there. It’s not safe to be in my body. Because I get caught and foster and told I’m a terrible person. I shouldn’t ever do that, again. That sort of stuff. Yeah. And I do think some of those like childhood things, stick with people. You know, I’ve also had clients who, like got caught masturbating as a child, you know, and got shamed. And then it’s interesting, and sometimes tough doing this work when you’re just talking to your friends, or parents, or hearing stories about like, oh, well, I caught my kid doing blah, blah, blah. And that’s so terrible. I shut that down right away. And I’m like, like cringing and worrying about your child’s traumatization from this, but you are doing the best they can. And I also think it’s like the parents have also received all these messages from you know, religion or society or their parents about you know, what’s okay and what’s not. Okay, so, in your apparent to me, so what are your thoughts about kind of, like, undoing like the cycle generationally of like, discomfort and all that? Oh, well, I’ve been asked this on like, so many mom podcasts that have been okay, but that’s all the same thing. Like do the work yourself. Because you’re not going to, like, kids can see through that energy, like, you can try and be like, Oh, no, it’s okay. Oh, no, they know better if you have your own fear, shame, guilt going on. And you try and act like it’s all okay. They know that it’s really not, they can sense that within you. When you make it not okay, then it’s not going to be okay for them. Because you aren’t okay with your own sexuality. You’re not comfortable talking about it. Like, here’s the litmus test, right? How much do you fear having a conversation with your kids, that’s a really good litmus test. Just how much fear shame and guilt you got going on inside of you that you’re going to pass down? Whether you want to or not, until you do the work, they’re gonna get it too. Yeah. And actually, it’s interesting, because, you know, I’m 42 Now, my mom listens to my podcast, but, you know, we never had a sex talk. When I was growing up, I was raised Catholic, and I wouldn’t say it was like, super strict Catholic or anything, but he definitely got the message that don’t have sex before marriage, that’s a sin. But then I also was aware that most people did anyways. And you know, you also get these mixed messages from the culture of like, it’s good to be sexy and attractive, and you want to be wanted and desirable, and like all of those things, but then also, you’re gonna get all these diseases and you’re pregnant, and they’re gonna be like, bring shame upon your family, to like, get pregnant before you’re married. So it’s like, all of this kind of pressure, I feel like and intensity. And so for me that did sink in. I was like, Okay, I’m sold. This is, you know, this is scary and bad stuff can happen. And so yeah, I felt impacted in in that way. And there was also I think, discomfort with my body. I don’t know 100% where that came from. But like you’re mentioning, the idea that a lot of religion doesn’t want people to masturbate that can be like a no, no, are considered a sin as well. And I think we’re, I think it can be challenging is like, I know what my beliefs are. And I don’t want to like you know, try and tell someone like don’t believe this about your religion or you know, like, because I’m like, if this works for you spiritually, like Yeah, you should still do it. But I’m curious as you work with people, do you see them shift their stance on some of these things? Most of them that come to me are open to new ways of being and new ideas, I would say about 70 ish percent of the people that ended up working with me that come from a religious background, they’re not in it anymore. Maybe the 30%, they still go to church, they still do the thing. But they’re also very aware that not everything in their religion is perfect. And that some of the teachings, maybe they’re being taught and skewed in a certain way. And maybe that’s not really what the religion is about. And some of them are recognizing that and they’re like, no, like, I believe that my religion and what they teach for the most part, but when it comes to sex and relationship, I think that maybe they didn’t get it quite right. And that’s why I’m here with Tilly. Right. Yeah, I like that. Because, you know, it’s like, take what you like and leave the rest. Like, I’m, I’m a big fan of that general expression. You know, very few, I don’t know, books, religions, teachers have it like 100%. Right, you know, so I think it’s important that we kind of make up our own minds. Yeah. But that also doesn’t mean you have to throw the whole thing out if something about it is working for you. So all right, that makes sense. So if somebody listening is struggling with this, like, Okay, I kind of know I have some of that religious guilt or shame. Like, where would you recommend that they start to kind of, you know, undo some of that. Hey, guys, it’s Heather, I am popping into my own programming to tell you about a free workshop that I have coming up. It’s Tuesday, May 30, at 7pm. Eastern online, and the topic is get your sexy spark back. So this is for singles, people who have been married for 30 years, people who are polyamorous, it is a skill set that I’m going to teach you about how to keep yourself kind of feeling yourself right how to feel competent and attractive, and the skill set to keep that spark alive or to recreate the spark in your relationship. So I hope you’ll join me and again, go to Heather shannon.co. The registration is right there at the top of the homepage can’t wait to see you there. Well, if you can even recognize and be aware that that might be the source of any sexual issues or hangouts or blocks that you might be having. That’s huge, first of all, so count yourself very self aware and very conscious, because there aren’t many people who even come to that realization on their own without having support from someone like you or me. So there’s got to be some level of self awareness. And then what I always teach is there’s three parts to healing and integrating sexual shame and guilt and fear. There’s one the inner work, so we got to work on the version of you that is currently showing up in your sex life and relationship, that’s disempowered, that has wounds that has messages that you don’t logically agree with, you know, that aren’t true, but they’re still in your body. So we got to work with unwinding the stories and healing and integrating them and choosing a new story that’s in our work, the second body mount work. So that’s actually working with the nervous system and moving those stories literally out of this, the cells in your body because these stories don’t just exist in your head. They exist in your vagina, they exist and they exist in your park, they exist inside of you, holding tension, stress, they will present in terms of not being able to get wet, they will present not being able to get hard or stay hard. There’s so many ways that these stories will literally present as physical symptoms. So you’ve got to do the embodiment work, which for women is the JTAG. For men, it’s learning the different sexual kung fu practices from the Taoist tradition. Sounds fine. Sexual sounds it’s fun, though. So there’s all these Taoist and tantric practices that I teach my clients to do on their own. They do all of the embodiment work on their own the self pleasure and the self training practices to release blockages from their body and their muscles and our tissue. That’s really important. I think that’s kind of the difference between what sex therapists do and kind of what I do is you’re actually doing things. I mean, I’m sure you give work to but like, Yeah, I do. Pleasure purchases at all. I’m actually curious to hear what sounds Yeah, it depends. Yeah, it depends on the client, you know, like what’s going on. But yeah, like, if that’s an issue, because I’ve noticed doing this work that women in particular seem to be uncomfortable with their genitals, not all, but like, I don’t really see that a ton with men, or people who have a penis and with women, I do. And I do think there’s an element and like, how we’re socialized. So for those people, it’s like, yes, that is part of like, the homework is like, okay, like, how would you feel about doing some estimation practice? And some of them are kind of open to it, and some of them we kind of have to do more emotional work. so that they get to the point where they’re, you know, more comfortable or willing to do that. I do think people have those old beliefs of like, okay, this should just be with a partner or you know, I’m not supposed to touch myself or even like with women, I think some of it is like, genitals are yucky or periods are yucky, or like, they smell weird. Or, you know, so I think there’s all of this kind of self consciousness and discomfort there. So yeah, those cases I do or if somebody is struggling orgasm, I always that’s always my first go to is like, where are you at with masturbation? Let’s talk about it. I still see a lot of it go back to psychological stuff. Like I had a client who was kind of, in theory, pretty comfortable, I think. But like her thing was, Well, I kind of told myself, I don’t have time to masturbate, almost like that’s interesting. So you know, we work with whatever comes up, you know. And then I have like, with couples, I’ll have them do like touch exercises, especially if it’s been like a sexless marriage. I’ll have them do some like quote unquote sensate focus, but I’m like, not very by the book with. So we kind of make up like, Okay, what kind of touch exercise would be helpful based on where you’re at? What’s your comfort level? And how can we kind of maybe start with something sensual, and then gradually move into something more sexual. So yeah, there’s physical homework, but it’s not necessarily like Taoist or tantric, although I would like to learn more of that. And that was actually part of why I became a sex therapist, but like, then what they teach is so academic, so I’m kind of like on the hunt for like some good trainings, I was gonna do the urban Tantra training with Barbara Karlis. I think COVID kind of interfered with that. So yeah, so I’ll find one. Well, there’s such a help, especially for people who’ve done all of the therapies before and they still find that they’re having issues is that it’s usually the not having done the embodiment practices and the self pleasure. Yeah. Which makes sense. To me, I kind of want to reinforce what you’re saying, for everyone to like, there’s actual research showing that, like, our emotions are stored in our body, you know, and so it’s like, it’s very real in a physical way. And like, even in a yoga class, I always hear yoga teachers being like, Oh, well, there’s a lot of trauma stored in the hips, you know, they’re constantly saying that about the hips in particular. So even just kind of doing certain yoga postures that could create like a release for people. And you know, I even had that a little bit with like, the full pigeon pose. Here. Yeah. Yeah, and yoga class and sit for five minutes. On one side, you have some shit come up. Yes. Yeah. So I think just, you know, some people have had that with massage. So I think just most of us have probably had that experience. Or, you know, I kind of help people tune in to like, what does anxiety feel like in your body? Like, what does dread feel like in your body? So people can usually find like anxiety in their chest or throat and like some tension and you know, Dread might be like a pit in the stomach feeling so just even starting to tune into that, like how emotions feel in your body? Yeah, oh, we go right into that the nervous system release techniques to actually get in touch with sensations in the body and how to really yeah, please just cycles. Yeah, let’s go a little bit down the nervous system path, because I’ve had that come up with a recent client too. And my best friend has been getting more into like the different kind of like fight flight, freeze fawn, like all those different kind of nervous system responses, but especially in relationships, like our partner can trigger the fuck out. So even just noticing, you know, are you avoiding sex? Because you’re actually having some kind of like, freeze or flight response? You are? Yeah. You right, like you definitely are. And so like learning how to regulate our nervous system is just so key. And I mean, and I think it also ties into the religion stuff, because if you still got these old stories and beliefs, those are probably contributing to how your nervous system responds. Like it all goes together, right? Yeah, for sure. So what like what nervous system responses do you see most often? And like how do you help people with those? Well, if they are in a Hypo response, then it’s more of a fight response. So you’ll flee a situation or you’ll just start picking fights with your partner for no reason. If you’re in a freeze response, you’re on hypo trauma response, and that will result in you just feeling depressed, lethargic, not having any sexual desire, not initiating. I see more of the hypo responses and my work. Yeah, same. So definitely more of that, and maybe only about 15 20% on the other end. So yeah, it’s mostly working with Freeze. Okay, so someone comes to you and they’re freezing and they’re having the high bone and you know, the phone. What a lot of my high level clients who had the perfect marriage yet they don’t ever ask. That’s a fun response. Because let’s break this down. Can you explain because I don’t know if people listening will even know what the fawn response is. I think that’s like a newer one that people have started talking about. So can you tell people what that is? Yeah, a fawn responses when is a people pleaser? default. So your nervous system and stead of just freezing completely and shutting down, you’ll just read a room really well, you’ll read the energy. And you’ll see like, what do I have to do to make this as non confrontational as possible. And then you’ll adapt and camo yourself, you’ll become like a chameleon to adapt to the environment, that you keep the peace. So it’s about pretending like everything is great, putting on the very face, right? Going to the parties together and acting like you’re a power couple. And you’re not at all, you know, that sort of stuff. So that’s a fawn response is just putting the mask on. And often that is like the porn star syndrome is what I call it. But yeah, you just make the sound because you think that’s what you’re supposed to sound like and localize. But there’s no authenticity to it whatsoever. So that’s fun. Yeah. And I think of as people, and this is not a judgment or criticism, I want to say but like, you’re kind of abandoning yourself in favor of whoever you’re trying to please. So okay, so let’s say someone’s fawning, because I hear that one a lot, too. What do you what do you do with that person to help them regulate in those situations? Okay, there’s two parts to it. There’s one, like when people work with me, I even give this for free, you can get it my five days to Epic sex and pleasure training for free because I want everyone to have access to that. It teaches you how to complete stress cycles in your nervous system. So it’s really feeling into okay, if I’m constantly showing up in an authentic way. And sex, I’m just having sex because I think that’s what I’m supposed to do. Or I just have to That’s my duty as a wife. Right? Right. It’s not really authentic. And I’m just doing what I saw important. Okay. Doing, you would literally like feeling to your body and notice, okay, what does it feel like to feel that I have to show up in a way that isn’t even authentic to me? What does that actually feel like sensation in your body? And I give you a list of sensations. So you can even start to have words? Yeah. Does it feel like a contraction? Does it feel shut down? Does it feel like this fluttery energy that bubbles up from inside? Like, what is the actual sensation of it. And then I invite you into nervous system release techniques, there’s six. So that can be anything from pillow punching, to throwing a tantrum grieving, like literally just giving yours once you tune into that emotion, like be with it, instead of running from it or trying to read more. And then notice what does your body actually want to do with that feeling that you feel inside. And when you do that repetitively, every day for a month, or two or three, you’re going to feel like a completely different person, because you’re completing stress cycles of the fawn response. And when you complete the cycle, your body learns that it doesn’t have to go there again. But that doesn’t have to be the default anymore. So you can be in a regulated state without going to the default, I just have to put the mask on to put the mask on. Yeah, because you’re teaching your body that you can release that response. And then you can take on pleasure and other ways and learn to connect to pleasure in other ways. That’s huge. Like what you’re sharing with people is so important, and I think like not talked about enough, but it’s like, if you don’t feel your feelings, if you keep avoiding them, they’re going to be stuck in your body. And like you’re telling people like no, you actually have to like process that shit. Like, moves through you and out of you and then you’re gonna actually be regulated. Yeah, so you go through from the nervous system or out you can go through it through from the Dallas energetic when people show up in that fun response. And it’s all about the show and the flash and how many orgasms? Did I pretend that I had? Okay, all of that Byzance that is an indicator that you are in your young masculine sexuality and you don’t have a solid feminine yen core and your sexuality and most women don’t. So you’ve got to go build that solid yen Fennec what what does it even mean to be feminine and my sexuality? Does that mean to surrender and let pleasure come to me? What does it mean to relax fully and let all of the breath and the pleasure and the ecstasy fill my body without me having to go get it right? Yeah, yes. I love that because our culture is so like hustle and like do do do go go go faster or more, which is the super masculine. What do you got bad? We’re here we’re not trying to be like, eliminate all masculine, but balance. No, not at all. Because all of that has made you succeed. Last fall in every other area of life, but if you’re a feminine woman, it’s that conditioning that’s actually keeping you from being sexually satisfied. Because if you’re a feminine woman than that, being in your masculine trying to go get the 50, orgasms and pretending like you might be having that you’re really not right. That’s all just show and flash and trying to get approval. That’s dark, feminine bullshit, like wounded feminine, but like deep solid core of a feminine is I’m surrender. I want to be in a surrendered state. I want him to take control. I want to write with pleasure from him. Learning that when all you’ve ever known, it’s challenging. It takes practice. Yeah. And what about let me because one of the things with Tantra that I think is a little tricky is like it does talk a lot about the polarities of like, masculine and feminine. Can that still work for someone who identifies as non binary? I really struggle with that one myself, because I personally don’t work with people who are because I don’t know. Not my lived experience. I don’t know how that translates to people who feel that way. But I think that there’s a lot of times with teachers who do get that and who, just the polarity anyway. And she always taught that, that we all have both of these energies inside. And that makes sense to me. Yeah, cuz even though like, I’m a woman, and I was born a woman and identify as a woman, I definitely have masculine energy. Yeah, so we all have both of us. And you know, which one you feel predominantly is the type that somewhat satisfying to you. Maybe if you’re a woman, you enjoy being in your masculine and being okay, or, you know, really stepping into a dominant space might be really satisfying for you. But most Yeah, I think would feel more, it’s more natural for them to be in that surrendered, you know, I want him to take the lead or the lead space. So, yeah, that’s interesting. Is that something you’d like help people figure out like, do you have some clients where you’re like, Oh, I think you’re kind of unnatural, dumb. I definitely have a couple. And I didn’t have one lesbian couple that she her partner was definitely more than masculine energy, and she got it. And so she had a very, very challenging time connecting with feminine, interesting, but she wanted to desperately and that was like the state that she desired. She wanted to be able to surrender and let go. But I remember doing an inner feminine integration process with her. And she really struggled connecting with what being in her feminine would even look like. And yeah, I think that was partly why she was struggling and her partnership because her partner was more on the masculine, and she was showing up more masculine, and then that polarity wasn’t really working. That makes sense. Yeah. And that is something to think about too. In your relationships. It’s like if you have to really like alpha people who are showing up in a more masculine way, sometimes I think they might have like hot sex, but also they’re just gonna clash more. And so I think it’s like, finding that balance, you know, in terms of the roles and like, one of the things I realized is because I think I was and and maybe still moving, you know, away from being too too masculine, but I just feel more relaxed. When I’m being more feminine. It’s like that the hustle energy is stressful. You know, it’s like, make things happen. I’m like, Okay, well, it’s all struggle for some people. But that might be an indication that, like, deep within your core really desires to identify and to be in that feminine state. I think it is. Yeah. Because I think someone who is maybe more of like, like a natural Dom, like you said, feel energized by that. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I think actually, I think that’s a good indicator in general, like, what do you feel energized by and like, what helps you feel more like your best self? And maybe that will kind of point people to you know, which direction to lean in more. such interesting work, though. Just like never born? Do you work with couples too? Yeah. So and my private coaching, if they’re in a relationship about halfway through if their partner, if they want to join sessions, I will invite them on, but it is not required. Some people actually are not ready for their partner to come on. So it’s always a little work first, and then if they have a willing and open partner that wants to come on board for sessions, there are some things that can be very valuable, but the whole time they’re working with me they have a date night they do every other week. So it’s like communication connection and sex date night practices that they’re doing. I don’t really need to be a part of it’s all they learn how to do it on the video and you know, help explanatory. Cool, I like that. I like that way of kind of working with people. So it sounds like their partner has to be at least like willing to participate in like the date nights. But not all of them do. I mean, I have Don’t come single women and obviously, don’t need to involve a partner in it. And some partners are too shy to come on, or they just don’t, they don’t want to be a part in it, they don’t have any, some being a part in it. And it’s really just for the women anyway, like they signed up because they know they have blocks and obstacles they want to get through. And they understand my philosophy of like, let’s work on your stuff. And then we’ll work on the partner if there seems to be a need. But sometimes there won’t be a need at all. And sometimes the partners just don’t want to, and that’s okay. And I do think it’s important to prioritize the self work and sometimes working with couples, I noticed that too. I’m like, I kind of want to work with you guys individually. At least until we get to a certain point, you know, exactly. I did do couples, I’ve done several couples. And every time I’m like, This is why I always severly first, because it’s so like, not only is it just harder for me, but it’s harder for them. And it takes way longer than it should. Yeah, it can. Yeah, maybe it’s different for you. But I found at least that it just takes longer because it’s like, if I can just get them separated and work with them individually for like a month or two, right. And when we come together, it can be so much more effective. I agree. Because you want to have certain skills in place. It’s like there’s just a higher level of complexity when it’s like, you know, we need one person, it’s one relationship, but it’s me and two people, it’s my relationship with each of them individually, and then their relationship. And then me also kind of being the therapist for the relationship, you know, so there’s just a lot more layers, and then I’m also kind of managing their interactions and having to be a little bit more directive. And sometimes it’s like, okay, guys step. So many times, yes, yeah. So it’s just, it’s more to manage. So I do charge more for a couples but it’s, I know, it’s kind of fun. Now, I like working with couples. But when I first when I first started, I was kind of like, maybe I’m just not gonna go down this path. Like, I did the Gottman like level one training for couples counseling. And it was kind of like, okay, this is intense. But I think I kind of got some couples that were like high conflict couples, like early on. And so I think that kind of put me off a little bit. Yeah, because it’s like you, it’s the nervous system regulation. I do a lot of parts work like internal family systems stuff. So it’s like working with their parts that are being triggered, building the skill of like, feeling your emotion in your body, like we talked about. So it’s like, if you come to me kind of having some of those skills in place, then the couple’s work is like probably pretty smooth, you know? Not take high conflict couples. Yeah, I don’t really work with that either anymore, but some people do and bless their hearts. I agree. And they definitely need one person, for sure. And so if someone is listening and has a high complex situation, like I will refer you to someone so you can reach out but it won’t be me or Chile. But thank you so much for coming on today. Like this has been really cool. I feel like I learned a couple of things. And I’m excited that people listening hopefully picked up on a couple you know, new ideas and skills. So if people are curious to learn more about you, your business, the work that you do, what is the best way for them to connect with you? Yeah, I mean Adama the five days to Epic sex and pleasure for high achieving women training. I my podcast has a lot of episodes like turn 50 episodes on there. So if you want the best of all of that, and like everything I teach and want to share with you summed up in a short and sweet thing, you go download that training. That’s totally storm.com forward slash five day training. And the podcast obviously is the multi orgasmic millionaire, which is just a fun title. I mentioned that to my best friend. She’s like, well, I want to listen to that sounds great. Orgasms and millions. So anyways, thank you so much for joining. This has been great. Thank you everyone for listening, and we’ll put all the links in the show notes from what Tilly mentioned today. So catch you guys next week.
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