05 The Clitoris
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. So today, we’re gonna be talking about the clitoris. And I’m very excited about this episode. But I have to say I felt really disheartened as I was preparing and researching for this episode, because there is so little helpful information out there. So I am going to try and give you as many helpful resources as I can but just know that the culture we live in is pretty biased against sex and accurate sexual education, and focusing on sexual pleasure. There’s a lot of amazing people and organizations who are working against that, including myself. And you know, I am excited by the information I’m going to share with you. So let’s go ahead and get into it. Why do we need to know about the clitoris? So one of the reasons and Laurie men’s and other sex therapist and professor gets into it and her book becoming clitoris. But one of the things she found is that I think it was over 90% 90 some percent of people with a clitoris prefer or orgasm most easily when the clitoris is at least involved. So this doesn’t mean that like none of them can have a vaginal orgasm or that they don’t like the combination of clitoral and vaginal stimulation, it just means that the clitoris is kind of your best bet. Especially if you’ve a partner with a clitoris. That’s kind of your best bet. And one of the things I want to highlight too, is the orgasm gap. So some of you might have heard about this already, and some might not. But basically, lesbian women are having more orgasms than straight women. And we don’t know why we just know this is the case, lesbian women on average are having longer sex sessions. So they’re on average between 30 and 45 minutes, whereas straight women, it’s typically between 15 and 30 minutes. So I don’t know exactly what the number is in that range. Those are kind of big ranges. But so we know sex is a little bit longer. We also know when there’s two women, the focus is going to be less on penis and vagina sex. So there might be more of a focus on what we would call outer course. So using your hands, using your mouth and tongue using toys, and therefore more of a focus on the clitoris. So I think it’s a good theory, at least a good hypothesis that the focus on the clitoris is part of the reason for that. In the survey, and in case you’re curious about the numbers, the survey was asking, like, what do you usually are always orgasm recently? Or is it you know, sell them never. And so I think was being women, it was like 86% were in the usually or always category. And for straight women, it was only about 68%. So it’s a fairly significant difference that’s worth looking at. The other thing that I think it’s important is because you think, you know, you hear often men joking about you know, I don’t know, how do you find the clitoris, you know, I recently did a presentation for the entrepreneur Social Club here in St. Pete, Florida, where I live. And that was one of the anonymous questions somebody wrote in like, is the clitoris. And, you know, it actually can be kind of hard. And one of the things I’m realizing in my research too, is that a lot of people who have a clitoris, don’t know exactly where it is, or how to find it, because we’re not actually taught about our own bodies. So this is why it’s important. Like we live in these bodies, we were created by somebody with a body lived inside someone’s body, you know, the clitoris is also fascinating, because while orgasm can help with, you know, procreation and all of that, the clitoris just kind of exist for pleasure, which I think is pretty amazing. There’s some rumors that it’s got, you know, 8000 nerve endings, it’s actually over 10,000. So I will link to some of that information in the show notes as well, which is pretty cool. And I would even admit, you know, up until about five years ago, I didn’t know what the clitoris really looks like, like, how are you supposed to know and this is why sometimes I know people are a little bit hesitant to go to a sex therapist, or, you know, kind of admit that there’s any kind of issue when it comes to sex. But how are we supposed to know all of these things when not only were we not taught in school? We almost certainly were not taught by our parents. Unless you had like really awesome Um, sex positive progressive parents definitely weren’t taught by religion. And even when you start looking for some of this information, it’s not super readily available. And when I was looking because of all of the laws about, you know, what is pornography and that’s bad, and that’s something we have to monitor and regulate and legislate, you really can only find a lot of drawings and like cartoon pictures, and frankly, you know, a drawing in a cartoon picture, some of the drawings can be very accurate, but like the cartoon pictures aren’t like, that’s not what my clitoris looks like. I don’t think that’s what any human ones look like. Sometimes they’re like blue or, you know, cartoony colors. So there’s a lot of misinformation out there. And I realized this is an audio format, so we should do the best I can to educate you guys. Given that it is audio and again, I’ll put some links in the show notes to see some visuals. So the shape and size of the clitoris, let’s talk about that a little bit. So I think most of us are aware of sort of the little pea sized or you know, maybe a little bit bigger kind of nub that is in the vulva and let me define vulva for you. So the vulva is the X terior of the biologically female sex organs. So we often say vagina, but the vagina is actually the canal that is leading from that exterior, vulva up to the uterus. Okay, so when I say volve, I mean the exterior part of the genitalia. Alright, so the clitoris is part of the vulva trained in there, and it’s above the vaginal opening, it’s above the urethra. And sometimes it’s more obvious, sometimes it’s bigger, sometimes it’s more prominent. And sometimes you need to spread the lips of the labia, the vulva to be able to find the clitoris. So there might be a little bit of exploring, that needs to happen, it might not be evident. Often there is sort of little like wishbone shape on the exterior of the vulva that will you know, the top tip could point you to the glands. So the part of the clitoris we can see is called the glands. And I thought I think most people thought probably still think that just that part that we can see at the top of the wishbone shape and the external part of the genitals is the clitoris. And it is, but there’s also a lot more to the clitoris than what we can see externally. Because most of it is actually internal. It’s inside the lips of the vulva. The another word for the lips of the vulva is the labia so it’s inside the labia. There’s erectile tissue, when somebody with clitoris gets aroused, that erectile tissue will get a lot of blood flow and just like a penis gets erect, it will get bigger in size. And one of the really fascinating things about it is once somebody with vulva has an orgasm, because of that erectile tissue, they’re actually more likely to have another orgasm within 24 hours. So the blood flow is actually really important. From that, we can start going down all these rabbit holes about you know, holistic wellness and how it’s all connected. But just know that it is a little bit of a use it or lose it thing, it’s like a for not stimulating our genitals and we’re not getting the blood flow going, that they can actually atrophy. So it’s important, actually, you know, pleasure is important to the functioning of our organs as well. So I also want to mention, especially since I’m a mental health clinician, that our friend Sigmund Freud, who started the field of psychotherapy, if you will, starting to kind of a terrible rumor, in my opinion, about clitoral orgasms being less mature, and vaginal orgasms being more mature what like a real woman has. And so I think that some of that lingers, still, you know, I do a weekly pod for the pinata app, which is all women, and they can ask me their sex questions there. And I get asked that question, you know, every once in a while of like, you know, how can I have a real orgasm or how can I have a vaginal orgasm and there’s this idea that we shouldn’t need the clitoral stimulation. Like if things were working really well, we should be able to just have a vaginal orgasm. And my thought is, that’s just a thought. Like, what if one is not better than the other? What if they’re both great? And there’s also some research that you know, depending on our anatomy, II and the structure of our vulva and how close things are together, you know, some people are going to be able to have a vaginal orgasm or be able to have an orgasm during intercourse more easily than others. And when I say that, sometimes it could be a purely vaginal orgasm. But sometimes it could be just that the clitoris is getting stimulated based on the person’s anatomy, depending on what position they’re in. So, let’s talk a little bit more about the appearance of the vulva and the genitals in general. So sometimes we have the whole vulva, we’ve got the outer lips, the outer labia, and then we have the inner labia too. So the lips of the vulva may be asymmetrical, you may have, you know, one that’s longer than the other, you may have the inner lips longer than the outer lip, so kind of protruding from the outer lips. And that happens about 50% of the time. But I think because of porn, and I think because of the, you know, kind of beauty industry, if you will, we’re somewhat taught that, you know, Oh, that’s weird, or is that messy looking? Or is that bad or whatever, and it’s really, no, there’s nothing wrong with you. So I want to make that point really clear, your genitals are yours and they’re perfectly fine. There are some changes that can happen due to hormone changes, like menopause. And, you know, you may actually lose some fat in your external genitals, so the look may change. And that’s, you know, normal hormonal changes, there can also be some vaginal atrophy. So your vagina itself can get a little bit smaller, your clitoris can get smaller, the skin of the vulva can get thinner and a little bit more fragile and delicate when you go through menopause. And, you know, that’s something you can talk to your doctor about. Some people choose to do different hormone therapies, like the Wiley protocol, you know, there’s differing opinions on that. But just know that there are options, if that’s something that’s interfering in your ability to enjoy your sex life. So the clitoris will also grow if you take testosterone. So if you’re someone who is you know, non binary or trans and taking testosterone, the clitoris will grow. Blood flow is important to the clitoris again, there’s that use it or lose it component. And also another kind of fun fact is that the clitoris and the penis start out is the same thing in embryos. And the book come as you are does this a lot more justice than I can do in this short podcast. But we’ll link to that as well come as you are by Emily Nagurski talks about you know, how do the genitals develop in utero and it’s got some great pictures and I think that this is kind of a fun fact that is starting to become more prominent. And even the the skin of the testes is the same type of skin is the skin of labia. So I think that’s really interesting too, just knowing like, okay, like we can almost relate to people with different genitals a little bit better. I think when we realize like, Okay, this kind of came from the same tissue. So and if you’re having a hard time finding the clitoris, you might want to try looking when you or your partner are aroused, because the clitoris does swell during arousal and there’s a clitoral hood, which is just like what it sounds, it normally covers the clitoris. And oftentimes if the clitoris isn’t visible, or the the glands of the clitoris is invisible, during arousal, it will become visible with arousal when it emerges from the hood. Not always everyone’s different, right, but just kind of know like, sometimes you might be looking for it, it might not actually be externally visible. So you might just kind of have to feel around and notice where you feel some of that erectile tissue. Underneath the hood, there’s a great website called OMG yes.com. I’ll link to that as well. It’s pretty easy to remember though, O M G yes.com. And they’re one of the really few resources that will get into detail about how to touch the clitoris touching around the clitoris touching on the clitoral hood, different levels of pressure, different types of stroking. And they have explicit videos and what’s really great about it, and they’re not my sponsor or anything, although I would love them to be so if anyone works there, please sponsor me. But, you know, they have sort of a friend vibe. So it’s not super clinical and academic. And it’s not super erotic and pornographic. It’s just kind of like, hey, like, here’s how our bodies work. And you can actually see in someone’s talking to you like, they’re just your friend who’s explaining and I love that and I think we need to have more resources like that. So definitely encourage people to check that out if you’re more curious. And in terms of the the clitoral hood, which I mentioned before, you can also think of it as sort of like the foreskin right that could be comparable to like the foreskin of the penis. I did ask a few of my guy friends who date people with clitoris is about finding the clitoris because I again, I have gotten asked that question and I know it’s not necessarily easy. And I think one person summed it up really nicely. I just fumble around until she starts moaning more loudly, which I thought was very cute and honest. So there’s, that’s not necessarily a terrible approach, right. But I think the important piece we need to add to it is communication. So even just Hey, okay, I’m trying to find your clip, does this feel like the most exciting spot or, you know, I think I’ve found it, or I’ve had a couple of girlfriends reply and tell me that they were just kind of spread the legs or spread the labia and go looking a little bit. But this is kind of a two way street. And I find this a lot that, you know, we expect our partners. And again, I think it’s a little easier if you have the same anatomy as your partner. But if you don’t we expect our partners to, you know, know things or to please us and to find what turns us on. But sometimes we don’t know how to answer that. Sometimes we don’t know our own anatomy. And this is where I think self exploration, solo sax becomes really important. And if you haven’t listened to my turn on episode, go back and listen to that and do some of that work because it’s so empowering. And one of the other things I found, you know, somewhat related to this clitoris topic is the frequency of faking orgasms is wildly high. So I’m going to just read you a little bit of a quote that I found from it’s an older article, but it’s from CBS News, pretty reputable source. So it said, there was a team of British researchers and they studied 71 heterosexual women between the ages of 18 and 48. They found a whopping 80% faked orgasms during vaginal intercourse at least half the time. A smaller group was even more prolific with their oohs and ahhs, the study found 25% of the women faked it 90% of the time. So this is, again, is part of the reason why I think this episode and topic is so important because I want you guys to have genuine, authentic pleasure, right, and we could get into and I probably will, at some point, you know, the patriarchy and all the reasons women feel like they have to fake it. And you know, men not maybe asking you enough questions or you know, whatever it is, but that’s for another day. But for now, I think just focusing on the solution is where it’s at is like learn your own body, learn your partner’s body, don’t be afraid to not know everything. We live in a culture where it’s impossible for us to know everything about sex, I’m on a lifelong learning journey when it comes to sex. I don’t have it all figured out. But, you know, I think that’s a big part of why I was drawn to this field personally as well, because I wasn’t given information. And I’m a curious person, and I want to figure it out. So I’m guessing there’s a lot of curious people out there too, but, you know, talk to your partner. If you’re somebody who’s been faking it, I know, it’s really hard to come clean about that. But I have had grave clients who have done that, you can do it too. And you know, start moving towards authenticity. And if you’re someone who hears from your partner, oh, they’ve been faking it. It’s okay, apparently, so of 80% of the women out there. So, you know, remember, like, this person is telling you this because they want you to have an even better, more pleasurable sex life and you’re the person they want to have that vulnerability with and have that intimacy with so I know it can be hard to hear. But yeah, let’s start educating ourselves. And if this resonated with you, share this with your partner or somebody with a clitoris. Thanks for listening, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide. A free resource for my podcast listeners. grab yours now. Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner friends because everyone has something they would like to ask the sex therapist
