Hello, my friends. We are here with part three of the Pathway to Passion. And honestly, this is the, this is like the fun, juicy one. So I’m excited to share it with you. Um, and if you want to check out episodes, , the part one and part two, part one is episode 97 and part two is episode 101. So you can check those out first.

I recommend checking those out first. If you having it, um, it’ll still make sense without those. But, um, this Pathway to Passion is my signature method that I use working with my private coaching clients. And It basically is broken down into three phases. So the first phase and they’re, they’re kind of meant to be done in order, you know, or assessed in order.

So if phase one, which is the emotional mastery phase, if you’re already amazing at that, great, go ahead and skip to phase two. Maybe you don’t have an issue in phase one. Um, but I would at least look at phase one and see where are we at with our communication? Where are we at with managing our emotions on an individual level?

Level like are we are we good at those things or does that kind of need some tweaking? before we move on and then phase two of the Pathway to Passion is looking at What I call sexual foundations, so basically what that means is are we creating a safe and relaxed? sexual experience where you can really let go and be in sex mode, you know, not be in worry mode and not be in performance anxiety mode and not be in, I’m a workaholic and still thinking about my next deadline mode and just be really present and feel safe and relaxed.

And so that’s all about consent and negotiating and feeling comfortable in your own. skin and body image and, uh, understanding how desire works. And so once you have phase one and phase two, and it’s like, yes, I can manage my emotions. Yes. I can establish consent very clearly. Um, yes, I understand how desire works.

Then we get to move on to phase three and in phase three, we’re going to look at a few different things. So we’re going to look at mental turn on. which I think does not get discussed enough. Um, sometimes I call it mental foreplay and we’re going to look at physical turn on and foreplay. And then we’re going to also look at sexual fantasies, right?

And so you can probably see why you wouldn’t want to get into your sexual fantasies until you feel safe with the person, right? Whoever your partner is, whether it’s a newer partner or it’s someone you’ve been with for 30 years, right? doesn’t matter, right? And I see, I see people with newer partners that feel super comfortable.

And I see people with long term established partners that don’t feel super comfortable getting into all of this with, with their partners. Um, but again, having those foundations really helps. All right. So, um, I also want to mention, I love hearing from you guys. So we just finished and wrapped up the 100th episode.

celebration, scavenger hunt, uh, giveaway. So we had our, our three winners. , I think everyone has been notified. One person I’m waiting to hear back from, but congratulations to the people who won. If you have not heard from me, unfortunately you did not win. So, I’m sorry about that. Um, but we also got some great feedback from people about you guys want more guests or you want me to get more into detail about specific aspects of libido and specific problems with libido.

that people might be having. Um, and so I do have some of that coming up for you guys, but I love hearing from you. Um, I’m also reflecting on, you know, I think this hundredth episode milestone really caused me to reflect on what’s working about the podcast, what could work better about the podcast. And I’ve been listening a little bit to Ramit Sethi’s podcast, um, money for couples.

Uh, if that’s an area you struggle with, it’s a great show. He has really great values and principles about money that I think are just very clear, but also kind of leaving the power in your own hands. It’s not like everyone follows the same script when it comes to money. But anyways, one of the things he does with couples is he takes them through an assessment before he even meets with them and kind of gets a sense of like, here’s the state of your money.

And then he meets with them and does some coaching and then he does a follow up. And I thought, how cool would it be if I did that with people’s sex lives? Because that’s what I do with my actual clients, right? And so I would love to kind of bring you guys into someone’s journey, um, and bring you into the process a little bit more.

So let me know. Like, Is that something that you think would be cool? Do you want me to do something like that? I’m thinking maybe that becomes like a once a month episode. And then we have two guest episodes a month. And then I do like the listener Q& A. That’s kind of what I’m thinking for the new format.

So, Email me if you don’t have another way to contact me. If you already have another way to contact me, use whatever method you have. Uh, but you can always email me at askasextherapistpodcast@gmail. com and if you want to volunteer to, to be one of those people where we kind of track your intimacy and sex journey, um, please reach out to that email address.

Uh, okay, so now we’re going to get into phase three of the Pathway to Passion and this is again starting with. Mental turn on. So what is mental turn on? What is mental foreplay? Why is it important? Um, and the reason this has become so important to me in my work is because I see people where they’re kind of like, you know, something’s missing.

We’re not having the frequency of sex that we used to. Or we’re not having the level of passion with our sex life that we used to. Maybe we never even quite got there with like technique or how I want to be approached by my partner. And I feel maybe sometimes like abandoned or neglected or they just are not interested in sex.

And I maybe feel rejected and you know, I’m maybe not the one interested in sex and there’s, there’s lots of different dynamics that can be going on here. So But sometimes in the process of trying to address this issue that’s going on in your sex life, um, I see people skip ahead. I would actually say that’s maybe the number one issue is people skipping ahead trying to Solve things right away.

And so I often see the mental turn on and foreplay getting skipped and people are like, well You know, I tried to kiss her and she kind of like pushed me away and I’m like, oh, okay Well, what was the context right? We need to pay attention to the context And she’ll be like, well, I was sitting at my work desk working You’re like, oh Oh, okay.

So you’re just like, we’re really not in like passionate kiss mode. And so I think there can just be confusion sometimes between, um, when is it like, Hey, just take me and don’t ask, you know, and I’m hearing that from a lot of my female clients, especially lately. And, um, and this is an established relationships.

I want to be clear about that. This is not like a consent violation. This is something she’s requested perhaps. And. But that’s not the moment to do it, right? Maybe when she’s in work mode. And so I think it’s understanding that, like, what are the different modes? How do we transition from maybe stress mode or work mode or just being focused on something else into a more relaxed state or more of an aroused state, which tend to go together.

Some people use Sexual energy to manage stress, there’s pros and cons to that, right? So they might get hornier when they’re more stressed out, actually. But for the average person, typically when they’re more stressed out, or in that fight or flight mode, they’re not as turned on. Okay, so, my cat is coming up to me while I’m recording right now, so you may or may not hear some cat sounds today.

Um, and so what we want to focus on is that mental part of it. And so it could be sharing fantasies. Um, it could be sort of whispering something in the ear. It could be sort of a signal that the two of you develop, even when you’re in public. It could be flirting. Um, it could be like, Oh, I had this really hot dream last night about you and just sharing about your dream.

And there doesn’t even have to be touching involved in that. But it’s just psychologically exciting, right? And a lot of this happens, too, when we’re just like watching a movie or a show, um, uh, on TV, and it might have a theme where we’re like, Ooh, that was hot. Um, or it could be your partner just, you know, grazes your leg.

And even though it’s physical, it might be more psychological, like, Ooh, that just, you know. My partner knows I like being touched that way, and so it could be like now, now it’s just got the wheels spinning and we’re not going to have an opportunity to actually be intimate until, you know, tomorrow or later tonight.

And so now I’m now I’m just sitting there with this like, Uh, the thought and how tantalizing and the anticipation and so playing with those ideas, playing with the ideas of anticipation, um, you know, variety, um, kind of, uh, something mysterious, a little bit unknown to come is what’s really exciting. And especially when you’re in a longterm committed relationship, that’s something that can just get brushed to the wayside so, so easily.

And this is also an area where I. I feel like a lot of us have a hard time articulating it and I would encourage you to keep a sex journal. I actually think it would be a great idea because this is the type of thing where One little psychologically arousing, exciting thing might happen, and then maybe a couple weeks go by, and then another thing pops into your mind.

So it’s not necessarily the type of thing where you’re going to sit down and be able to make a list of, here’s 20 mental turn ons I have. It’s more of like a long term keeping track, getting to know yourself, being able to articulate it, having something in writing if you’re having a hard time articulating it, and then sharing it with your partner.

So I hope that that makes sense and is helpful. And so, you know, we probably know a few of those things for our partner. Um, like what are a few of the things that turn them on? And it could be like, Oh, okay. My, my partner has like an oral fixation. And so, um, if I, if I put anything in my mouth, That’s going to be hot.

This is also something where you can text a sexy photo or just a slightly suggestive photo or video where, you know, if the, in this example, if your partner has an oral fixation where maybe it’s just like, okay, um, maybe I’m, Uh, licking a lollipop, right? Um, or maybe I am even just putting lipstick on to like hint at the lips or the mouth area, right?

So, those are things that we can play with to get into the mental turn on. And it’s a process, and that’s why I think the journal, is great if you’re open to it. I also think that, you know, a FetLife profile can be used in this way because, you know, when you’re seeing other people and their turn ons and their kinks, um, you might get ideas, right?

And the same thing for really any sexual kind of social networking website. So even if it’s a swinger website or an adult friend finder, whatever it is, if there’s a profile and if you can view other people, then you can get ideas and you can see what’s turning on other people. Yeah. Okay, so now we’re gonna talk about physical foreplay a little bit, and this is, again, different for everybody.

So typically when we’re talking about physical foreplay, people are thinking handjobs, fingering, oral sex. That’s what I think that maybe some fondling and kissing, right? But it could just be kind of like a caress on your butt. It could be a playful, like run your finger kind of down your partner’s neck on their shoulder.

It could be sort of a little nibbling of their neck. Um, and again, context matters. So like, if you’re reflecting on this for yourself or if you’re having this conversation with your partner, Reflect on the context, right? Because you don’t want your finger, your partner running their finger down your shoulder when you’re in the middle of a work meeting on zoom.

Um, so think about like, okay, when I’m imagining this kind of turn on excitement arousing scenario, where am I? Who is there? What is the setting? Is there a time of day that, you know, what’s, what’s going on? Um, and communicate that too, because so often we think we’re being so clear and I think because sometimes we’re scared to talk about sex and about details, you know, and I see this even with, you know, People who hire me is that sometimes they’re afraid to be too specific.

And I think we need to get into the specifics, um, in order to be effective. Right. And so it could be like, well, I know my partner wants me to share my fantasies, but how are we even defining the word fantasy? Right. Does that just mean here’s what I want to do to you? Or here’s like a scenario I imagine, or, you know, I want to be more in a submissive role, or I want Uh, to tie you up, or I want to try this new position, um, or is it like really describing, you know, you come home from work, and I’m on the couch, and then, you know, you start at my feet and start kissing my whole body and work your way up, and then, you know, is it sort of a play by play, um, is that how you’re defining fantasy?

Is it, you know, these moments of peak pleasure? Um, maybe there’s other people that are in the fantasy in your mind, but that’s not something you’d want to do in real life. Um, so there’s so many ways. To play with this but see if you can be specific like I kind of that’s the challenge I think that’s like the growth edge.

It’s like go ahead and be specific Um, especially if you need that right if you just want a little hint and then let your imagination run wild That’s what does it for you Then communicate that with your partner. But the point is, we need to kind of be clearer in our communication. And I think to do that, we have to be clearer with ourselves and just kind of do some of this reflecting.

Um, okay. And then, when it comes to sexual fantasies, There’s, there’s a lot. We did an episode on this and, um, I also did the episode with Kate Balistrieri on the number one sexual fantasy, which is threesomes. Um, so you guys can definitely check out those episodes if you are curious for more on that. And there’s so many though.

I would recommend checking out the book. Tell Me What You Want by Justin Lee Miller. So he talks about a lot of the top fantasies. And so that could just be a good starting point. And I think if we have like a book as a frame of reference, it can make us feel a little bit safer. Like, look, all these other people have this fantasy too, you know.

I can kind of help normalize us or like structure a conversation with our partner. Um, and then there’s tons of other resources too. So if you’re kind of feeling like, uh, frozen, a little paralyzed with this discussion, check out some of the resources. So one of them is we should try it. And the website for that, it’s just, we should try it.

com. Nothing, nothing too crazy there. Um, And there’s, you know, yes, no, maybe checklist. There’s, you know, fet life where you can look at all the fetishes people have listed. Of course there’s pornography, there’s erotica, there’s romance novels. So pick something that you want to start with and start exploring your fantasies that way.

Right. And, and I think again, it’s a journey. And so that means that You might pick something and be like, blah, no interest. Right. Um, and then you might have to move on to the next thing. And that one might be like, this is a little too hardcore for me, or this is a little bit boring for me. Um, and then you move on to the next thing.

And so part of it is finding your format. I would also say, um, check out audio erotica. That’s kind of gained some popularity. So there’s a website called Dipsy that has audio erotica and another one called Quinn with two N’s. Uh, Quinn and Dipsy are great, and they’re different from each other. So Dipsy is more like stories, Quinn is more like you’re in the story, kind of.

Um, so it’s more of like a POV type of experience. But try different formats, see what works for you, and then share that with your partner, too. So, this phase of the Pathway to Passion, as you’re probably getting the hint by now, is like, it’s all about trying things and communicating. And that’s why we needed to develop that communication skill early on in Phase 1 of the Pathway to Passion.

This is a great phase for resources like Beducated too. So they were on episode 34, I believe, of the podcast. Um, and I will include my discount link if you want to check out Beducated. They’re like this, the Netflix of sex education. So there’s, you know, a hundred plus different courses in there and, um, there’s something for everybody, right?

Uh, there’s a lot of variety and that’s what we really need to focus on. In our long term relationships, because it is so easy to get bored, and I’ve experienced that personally, right? And both of you, or all of you, however many people are in your relationship, um, need to be invested in that. It’s not something that really works in a one sided way.

So if you’re kind of like, Trying, if you’re the one efforting, um, like, let’s try, you know, going to a sex toy store. Let’s try a new position. Let’s try making it more sensual, um, or let’s try it more forward. Whatever it is, introduce your partner to it, right? They might feel intimidated. They might feel just out of their element.

They might feel like you’re more advanced than them, right? So we also want to present it in a way. that brings them along, encourages them, helps them feel, um, safe to share, helps them feel safe being bad at something or uncomfortable. Um, and it’s not our job, right, to make our partner feel a certain way, but it can help, right?

They still kind of have to get over their own discomfort on some level. Um, but don’t give up with that. And if whatever approach you’re trying, uh, to kind of talk about turn ons and fantasies is not working, you might also need to go back to phase one or phase two of the Pathway to Passion. Phase three, like I said, it’s kind of the fun, juicy phase, where it’s like, Ooh, let’s try all the like fun, sexy stuff.

And, It might be too early for that. It might be like, great, but I resent you and I have no interest in sex anyways, right? Or it might be like, yes, but you haven’t spent time doing the basic stuff that I’ve already told you I like, so why are we gonna go do, um, all of these, you know, advanced novel things?

So, Go back, listen to phase one and two if, if phase three is, is not ready yet for you guys. Um, and that’s okay. That’s why it’s a pathway. That’s why it’s not just like, do this one thing. Um, and again, everyone’s going to have a different journey in the pathway. So I, I hope this has been helpful. Um, we are going to put lots of these links and resources in the show notes.

So check those out as always. And then I’m also going to include a, um, A link to my guide for you guys. So I have a free guide to spicing things up in your relationship. It’s great for people in long term relationships who have gotten bored, who have stopped having sex altogether, or just not very frequently, or Or who are on different pages when it comes to pleasure.

So this is for people who are ready to put some energy into it, ready to, um, you know, get your sex life back on track so you can feel close again, so you can feel passionate again. Um, and then in this guide I’m covering, At least five different ways to spice things up. And I’m putting a lot of those links to resources, um, to explore further with your partner or partner.

So do not let your relationship experience dead bedroom any longer. Um, and grab a copy of the free guide. Uh, so thank you everybody so much for listening. We are going to get back on track with guest episodes, uh, sooner rather than later. I’ve been a little bit thrown off with hurricanes and getting sick.

Sick after the two hurricanes. So, uh, thank you for your patience with that. I am excited to bring you some amazing guests soon. Um, and we will catch you guys next Monday. Bye everybody.