Hello, my friends. I have a crazy hairdo if you’re watching on YouTube and we’re just leaning into it. It’s how I’m feeling today. And then I also, um, wanted to mention, please submit your questions for the listener Q and A episodes. I will answer them. Um, the vast, vast majority of people don’t submit questions.

And so if you’re just a little bit brave, you’ll get some free advice and some good resources, but as you know, I love to give you resources. Um, I did get a couple questions to be fully honest with you. They were like real spammy and I’m not going to answer them. They have to be sincere questions, but I’m not going to waste your time listening to them or my time advising on them.

So what I did do for this episode, which I’m actually pretty. Um, is I asked my friend chat, GPT. I was like, all right. So I work with a lot of, you know, middle aged couples who are married or living together. And, um, I said, what would be the most common sex questions for that group? And then I just picked the ones I wanted to answer.

So we’ll go through four of those and call it a day. Um, so the first one is how can we maintain intimacy as we age? This is a good question. Okay. I think it speaks to the fact that we have a story that intimacy declines, uh, in middle age. I, and I realized that a fake person in AI asked the question, but I do think it’s representative and it does reflect what I’ve seen with some clients where they realize there’s a little bit of a story of like, well, we’re kind of past the age of having kids or like, you know, we’re not in our twenties anymore.

And, um, And so there’s kind of an expectation almost of like, Oh, you should like simmer down or settle down or not be as interested. You know, and there’s people in their seventies who have a high sex drive, right. And above that, um, and there’s also people who don’t, right. So the point is just because you don’t, you know, Your skin’s not as firm or you’ve got a little extra belly or, you know, there might be a couple of health issues that weren’t there before or your stress is different.

It doesn’t mean that there should be an expectation for us to become less sexual. Um, and so the positive side of this question is that like, how can we maintain it? And I think that’s worth asking because if you dig into Um, I’m thinking of the Erotic Mind by Jack Moran. It’s a book. I’ve probably mentioned it on another episode.

It’s an older book, but there’s a section in there with the four cornerstones of eroticism. And so it’s basically looking at what makes something feel erotic to us as humans. And you know, there’s four, there’s four answers. I think there’s more than that in reality, but the book goes over four. How do we build longing and anticipation? I think that might be the biggest one that actually needs our attention in a longer term relationship because if you live together, you know, if you’ve seen each other through accidents and illnesses and childbirth and whatever, there’s just like not a ton of mystery left, right?

Um, you do the mundane things together. There isn’t necessarily that like, Oh my gosh, I can’t wait to see this person again. Like when you’re newly dating and then it’s just, it’s just naturally easy to have, uh, excitement and passion and intimacy. So creating anticipation could look like, how do we have some separation in our lives?

How do we create a little bit of space? And Esther Perel talks about this a lot as well. She talks about, yeah, you want to know each other and have intimacy, but you also want a little mystery, right? And it’s like, if you have a job or a volunteer thing out of the house or a group of friends or a hobby or whatever it is, having your own thing.

will make you sexier and make you more attractive. And it’s actually going to do that in a few ways. It’s going to do it because it’s creating a little bit of separation, a little bit of independence. Um, and then it’s also going to be leaning into what makes you your best self, right? So if you’re doing something that kind of lights you up inside or gives you a sense of purpose and meaning and fulfillment, that’s attractive.

You do something good at that’s attractive, right? So that one’s kind of a win win. Um, I also think like making the effort to seduce your partner. I think we in general could do a better job of like studying our partner and really being curious about what makes them tick sexually. Right. And like, let me to look at it as like a little adventure where it’s like, Oh, what else can I discover?

Right. And just, and to not limit yourself, you know, to like, well, our sex life is fine. You know, it’s like, well, why not go for amazing? Why not go for like, let’s see how much pleasure we can potentially even express in our bodies or contain in our bodies. Right? So maybe it’s like, okay, what are the things that gradually start to get them in the mood?

What are the ways, like how much naughtiness or taboo do they like? How much sort of What sensual spice do they like? You know, in episode eight, um, I talk about how to spice up your sex life we’ll link to that one too. Um, but there’s kind of, you know, different spices I came up with. And so it’s almost like I’m picturing like a stereo and you have like the little equalizer thing where you slide all of the, um, dials up or down.

And so you can kind of figure out like, what is my exact formulation? You know, how much sensuality do I like? How much spirituality and like just presence do I like? Maybe eye contact and breathing, that kind of thing. How much do I want to explore something that’s kinky or taboo? How much do I want variety and novelty?

Like that’s another way to bring eroticism in. So when we make it a study, It’s also like that our mind becomes attuned to resources like this podcast, like books, you know, like experts or classes that we can attend and, and kind of stay engaged. Right. And I think that’s something that we all have to do in other areas of our life too, whether it’s work or parenting, Sometimes everyone thinks like, just cause I’m a sex therapist and granted it is a more fun subject to talk about.

It is. I think it is more interesting than like accounting, but it’s still a job. Right. And I still get more engaged from hearing from you guys, um, from having new podcast guests that I get to connect with and kind of play off of their excitement and passion. That’s super fun for me. So we kind of have to find those things What are the things that kind of like re engage you and like recharge you, um, to stay interested and to stay turned on and excited?

So I hope that answers that question. The next one is how do we deal with mismatched libidos? And we are going to have another guest episode coming up in the not too distant future that will address more on libido. But I have some kind of new thoughts on this that I haven’t talked about in other episodes about libido. And it’s that if you’re taking good care of your health and your mind, you’re probably going to have a healthy libido, whatever that looks like for you.

And you’re going to have a healthy relationship with your libido, right? Meaning. you’re not overly attached to getting like what you want in every second. It’s not like a craving cycle. You know, it’s more of like, yeah, it’d be great to have sex. I’m in the mood. But also if we don’t, it’s like, Hey, honey, I love you.

We can cuddle. And there’s lots of ways I like to connect with you. So it’s almost like that hold on loosely song. Hold on loosely, but don’t let go. I think that that’s a great way to approach sex. When it does feel like there’s frustration or there’s a craving or there’s some kind of like unmet need that causes frustration, like if someone has a really high sex drive, I think there’s more there than just libido.

I think there’s actually some other emotional needs that, you know, this person is, it’s To be clear, so many people do this with sex. We’re turning towards sex to meet other needs. We’re not just having sex be a vehicle of connection and a vehicle of self expression and a vehicle of co creating with someone who seems fun to co create with.

Um, we’re using it for validation for, that’s probably the big one for thinking like, I am okay. I am good enough. I am worthy. I am desirable. I am hot. I am sexy. Right? It’s like filling up some kind of emptiness inside us. And if this is resonating at all, I would also encourage you to go check out the episode on like, is it high sex drive or is it a sex addiction?

And there is a difference, right? If it feels like There’s this frustration because I feel like things should be different than they are. And there’s this frustration because I have this craving, you know, this not being met and I’m not feeling as good about myself. Then I would actually say like, one, do some emotional work.

That would actually be a great thing to go to a sex therapist about. Um, and two, find other ways to get that met, you know? So my, my recommendation would be trying to get most of that met internally. You know, like how can you practice new thoughts about it? How can you maybe look at, okay, my thought is I need this external validation or I need my partner to want me for me to feel good about myself.

Okay. What if we challenge that? Because what’s happening, what results are you creating for yourself is that it’s not in your control. How you feel about yourself is not in your control, which is factually incorrect, but also it’s just not serving you. So, what if it, what if we even just change the sentence in your mind to, how I feel about myself is in my control?

And then it could be much more empowering. Then it could be like, okay, interesting. So, if it’s in my control, how do I want to feel about myself? Or maybe, maybe a cartoli talks about this a lot. He’s kind of like this whole self esteem stuff. He’s kind of like, So, you know, cats and dogs don’t think about like how they feel about themselves, you know, they’re just present and they’re like having an experience.

They’re not like self conscious in that way. Um, which I think also just kind of simplifies things. I’m like, what if it’s just not even about how you think about yourself? And what if it’s about right now I’m talking into my microphone and you know, looking at myself with this ridiculous hairdo and, and then talking to you guys, right?

It’s weird because I’m by myself in a room talking to myself, but also talking to you guys. And so that’s what I’m doing right now. Okay. Right. It’s like, what if we just let that be what it is and stay really present with it? Um, so anyway, so that, that’s my thought, especially on the higher libido partner.

If you’re a lower libido partner, There could also be, it could also be like, that’s your happy place. And one of the ways I kind of detect this with people is if you kind of have like a zest for life still, and there’s like a good energy level and your sex drive is just still kind of low, it might be that that’s just your happy place.

That might be a healthy level for It can also be that you do like your life in general, but. for some reason sex doesn’t feel super safe or welcome. And then that’s something to work with a sex therapist, honor and intimacy coach, right? There’s something else there. And so I think when you have two people who have kind of done the healing work are meeting their own needs, are comfortable enough with sex, have a safe enough container to have sex in, um, and have different libidos, they’re actually able to navigate that pretty well.

Right. And so I think that’s kind of doing some of this other work. that will help with the mismatch libido. All right. Next question. This one kind of a similar to the first one. Is it normal to experience a decrease in desire at this age? So again, this is kind of focused on middle aged people and committed relationships.

, yes and no. There’s, there’s like this U shaped curve of happiness. based on age. And on average, people are happier in their twenties and then it kind of declines in their thirties and forties. So I’m probably about like the most unhappy age. And then, uh, I think definitely sixties, it goes up fifties.

It might start heading up a little bit. And I think what this is speaking to is stress levels too, like in levels of responsibility. It’s sort of like the emotional and visible burdens that we’re hearing around. So like when you’re middle aged, you maybe have kids to take care of. Maybe you’re not quite as energetic as you used to be and you might also have parents to take care of.

So just like life stages, do you have different challenges associated with them? Um, It’s also tends to be like a peak career point where like you’re higher earning years and you might be putting in a lot of time with work. Everyone’s situation is different, of course, right? And so we can’t make these sweeping generalizations, but it’s worth considering that.

The other thing is, hormones change, right? And so if you’re going into. Menopause, you might have a decrease, you will have a decrease in estrogen, um, men will also see a decrease in testosterone, uh, over the years, um, cis men and, and that’s something to look into, right? Like, do we want to optimize our hormones?

Is that something that maybe needs to be addressed as we’re kind of entering middle age? Um, and estrogen and testosterone are the primary hormones that are going to regulate our libido. So I think that. It’s like when you’re really young, you can just get away with, like, treating your body like trash and still feeling okay.

I think when you get to middle age, you can still feel really, really awesome, but you need to be a little bit more diligent. You need to maybe figure out, okay, like, do I need to work out? Do I need to do infrared sauna? Um, do I need to even just, like, get myself some new clothes, this little pick me up? Uh, so really like taking good care of ourselves, I think does become more important and that’s kind of relevant, like whether or not you experience a decrease in desire in this age range.

And then as I mentioned at the beginning, I do want to just reiterate this cause I think the stories we have are so important. So if you have a story of, Well, I’m not supposed to be that sexual anymore. I’m like all washed up or whatever. It’s like, you’re not doing yourself any favors with that story.

So let’s just kind of check ourselves with our stories. Um, last question. Of course, my favorite.

Should we consider seeing a sex therapist or counselor?

Yes, obviously. No, I do want to help you guys discern. So like, when does it make sense to work with, you know, an intimacy coach, um, and or a certified sex therapist.

And my thought would be like, if it was me, I’ll tell you what I would do if it was me. So if it was me, I’d probably listen to a few podcasts, do a little bit of Googling, talk to chat, GPT, check out a book, see what I can do to kind of educate myself and what I can learn on my own. And then if it was like, okay, so now I’m like knowledgeable, but it’s not really changing my situation.

Then I would go get some help. I would be like, you know, I need someone who’s going to like get my situation and be able to give me like personalized advice. And also more importantly, I mean, the reason I, I work with my own coach is because we have our blind spots and it’s like, by definition, you can’t figure out your own blind spot.

And so I would, I would be curious, how am I contributing to this pattern? Maybe without even realizing it. So if it’s like a lack of sex or just kind of like dying, phoning it in sex, sex, feeling like a chore, that kind of thing, then I would be like, okay, we’ve, we’ve tried, we’ve educated, we’ve tried to have some talks about it.

Um, we’re missing something. There’s something we’re missing and we need some help. Um, so that’s where I think people should go. Now I get a lot of clients where it’s kind of like I’m the last stop sometimes, like whether or not they get divorced, which can be intense, right? Um, I don’t mind doing that, especially if those, those clients are going to put the work in, you know, I think we can get some really good outcomes and at the very least they’re going to get clarity on, okay, we’re really not on the same page.

And now maybe we can, you know, have more of an amicable divorce, at least with better communication and realizing that we just have different wants and needs and that’s okay. Um, or it’s kind of like this was fixable. We just kind of didn’t know what type of work we needed to put in, in what order to get to where we were trying to go, but now we do.

And so I think that can be super rewarding. Obviously my advice is don’t wait till it’s terrible. I still hear so often. Well, do we really need therapy? Do we really, like, have to get an intimacy coach or be that broken? And that’s another story. Like, what if we just stopped looking at it that way?

What if we just start looking at it like, We’re humans, thereby we have blind spots. Um, and therefore it would be help to have an educated person who is good at reading people to help us with those blind spots so we can grow. That sounds kind of good actually. Right. So I think we’ve got to like reframe some of that for ourselves.

Um, and I think especially when it comes to sex, we really have to like take the shame out of asking for help because, you know, We were given nothing. You know, maybe you grew up with like very progressive parents who talked really openly about sex and like taught you proper, like anatomical terms. It made you feel super comfortable asking questions.

That is not the case for 99 percent of you listening. Right. And myself included. Right. That’s just, it’s just not reality for most of us. And so if we’re accepting that, it’s kind of like, okay, well now that we’re like grown ass adults, We get to choose to educate ourselves. And like, honestly, that’s one of the great things about adulthood, right?

You actually do have control over that, which I think is exciting. Um, so I hope that’s helpful. Obviously, if you are interested in coaching, we will put the link to connect with me, um, in the show notes. You can also just visit my website, heathershannon. co There’s a button there that says, like, book your free intimacy breakthrough call.

So you can do that. Um, and I do also have a question on there. So if you’re looking for lower fee services, I do have my amazing, uh, sex educator intern grace, um, who sees individuals for 75 bucks and couples for a hundred. And I supervise all the cases as well. Um, so you’ll still be benefiting from my expertise.

So regardless of where you’re at with budget, Okay. Or whatever, like there is a way, there is a way to move forward. And I do want to help you find that. So, um, thank you all so much for listening and we’ll catch you next week.