Hey guys. so today we’re going to be talking about, you know, sexuality and consciousness, which I’m really excited about.

And, you know, I almost. name of this podcast, you know, sex, sex and consciousness, um, or something along those lines. Because I think that exploring consciousness is something I’m passionate about. This idea of sort of awakening from not being fully aware and from going from, you know, everything that’s handed to us, we just kind of accepted or we’re not questioning things to really realizing like our power as individuals and knowing that we can make conscious choices.

Um, and create what we want to create for ourselves and in the world and in our sex lives. So that’s what we’re going to get into. So we’re going to get into today. Um, before we get into it though, a couple of things I wanted to mention. So, um, for the last handful of episodes, I have been putting two or three related episode links in the show notes.

So whether you’re new or not, if you’re kind of like, Ooh, I really like this episode. I want more like that. Go to the show notes and you’ll get recommendations that will, you know, be episodes that have a similar vibe. So, um, for this episode, I’m linking back to episode 10. Where I talked about the sexual placebo effect and law of attraction, episode 16, uh, healing through seduction with Pearl Noir, where we incorporate some kind of spiritual concepts and spiritual growth and healing.

And then episode 28, um, where we talked about BDSM play parties and queer sexuality with Cassiana Boom, where we get into also a lot of like questioning norms and being conscious and going after what you want and being intentional, um, and all of that. So if you are looking for more amazing episodes, you’ll find those there.

You can also find them on my website. We’ll have all of the links and notes for each episode there. So for this episode, episode number 35, it’s going to be Heather Shannon, excuse me, heathershannon. co forward slash E 35 and it will be like that for every episode. So again, heathershannon. co forward slash E 35 and you will find all of the links that you could ever want.

All right. And then for the review of the week, um, this one says such a great find. This podcast is fantastic. The host builds such a great rapport with her clients. Uh, I think this is about the episode where I coached Vanessa. Um, and I love that we get to hear how these sessions go. It kind of takes the fear out of finding a therapist for the intimate moments in life.

Love, love, love this podcast. Thank you very much for the review and I wanted to use this to point out that, yeah, it’s okay to go to sex therapy, right? It’s okay to have a sex coach. Um, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. Um, basically what it means is you’re on this consciousness journey. You’re kind of like, wait a second.

All of these things that I’ve been handed about how relationships are supposed to be, how sex is supposed to be, um, are not factual, are not accurate. I mean, some of it probably is, right? But maybe they’re not serving you in terms of what you’re wanting to create with your sex life. And you’re like, Hey, there’s gotta be another way.

And there is. And you know where to find me, right? So instead of looking at it like, Oh, is something wrong with me? You look at it like, Wow, I am like taking action in my life to create what I want to create and to get the education and information that I deserved back in the day that I didn’t get, um, but now I have access to, so, um, that’s why I wanted to share that one.

Alright, so we’re going to start by getting into the Hawkins Scale of Consciousness. So, I first came across this. Uh, actually when I got sick in Puerto Rico last year and was really having a hard time and a health coach recommended this book to me after talking to me a little bit. And it’s about levels of consciousness and, you know, emotional states and, you know, our perspective.

Really, that’s how you can think of a level of consciousness is what is your perspective on the world? Right? Because you might have a hundred people who experience the same thing. In a day, um, and actually the, the letting go book by David Hawkins talks about someone getting in like a fender bender in a parking lot, I think.

And he goes through, you know, Hey, if you’re at this level of consciousness, here’s how you react to that. If you’re at more of a, you know, medium one or a high one or low one, here’s how you’re going to react to that. And it’s fascinating because I think our human minds can get so stuck and mine too, right?

On, you know, Like, Oh, I got a new client or my podcast is doing well today. Today’s a good day. Or, you know, I didn’t hear back from that client or, you know, I was trying to network with someone and they missed our meeting. Like, Oh, today’s not a good day. Right. And we can become so conditional on our circumstances.

And so what I love about this level of consciousness is that it’s something that is at least somewhat in our control that we can be. intentional about and choose to be on a growth path with that. Um, I just think that’s so much more empowering and it’s so much more focused on, you know, what is it that we can control versus our circumstances, which actually only account for about 10 percent of our happiness.

Isn’t that fascinating? It’s not that they count for zero. Like certain circumstances or situations might make it easier to have better feeling thoughts or easier to have a good perspective, but still they actually only account for 10%. of our happiness, which I think is fascinating. So doing this kind of work on your own perspective is going to account for much more.

And the other piece is our health, right? And it’s interesting that I kind of found the scale of consciousness due to health issues. And you know, there’s just such an interplay between our thoughts. In our physical state. So when my physical state was really suffering, it was hard. It was really hard to have good thoughts.

You know, it’s like I was struggling to eat. I was struggling to breathe well. And then at the same time, I knew I kind of had to improve my thoughts to help improve my physical state. And so I think that those two pieces together, sort of like, you know, genetics, epigenetics, wellness, thoughts, perspective.

That’s the other 90 percent of what makes up our happiness. Um, so we’re going to get into that. We’re going to get into some qualities of self energy, and then we’re going to talk about what does it look like to become more conscious. And um, You know, kind of embody our own internal higher consciousness when it comes to our intimate lives.

Right? And I feel like this could be a long episode. I’m just going to say that now. Um, and then I, cause I do want to also share my own personal experience with, you know, how did I used to approach sex and like, what kind of level of consciousness was that at versus how do I look at things now? And hopefully I’ll keep evolving.

Right? I don’t think I’m definitely not done evolving. So let’s get into the Hawkins scale of consciousness. So I’m going to start by just kind of going through this chart, like a map of consciousness. I will share the chart in the show notes. So don’t forget that. And, um, we’ll kind of go through it somewhat quickly.

And so the list is numerical. So when David Hawkins created this, It’s a 0 through 1000 scale. Okay. And so I’m going to let, you know, the point value. So 0 means, like, very low vibration. 0 is like dead. Like, you’re not even alive. Right? Um, higher vibration means like, you are just vital and vibrant and full of life.

Really? Okay. So we’re going to go through the name of the level. The number associated with it. What is sort of the predominant emotional state? Um, what is sort of your view on life? Um, and any other sort of details that I might add.

All right. So the bottom level is shame. So shame is at a level of 20 and I think we all kind of know what shame is. It’s kind of like. almost feeling embarrassed about our existence. And I, and I want to make one distinction before we go too far in this. There’s a difference between experiencing the emotion of shame occasionally versus being like, that’s the state that you like live in.

And that’s your perspective on the world. So as I’m going through these, what, what I’m saying is this is the perspective on the world. So if you’re like, I experienced shame sometimes, does that mean I’m at the lowest level? No, you probably experienced many of these. What you want to kind of pay attention to is.

What is your predominant perspective on the world? And be curious about what would it look like if your predominant perspective moved up a level. Okay, so the next level after shame, where you’re kind of just embarrassed almost about your existence and just feeling so like you’re just awful, is guilt. We can see you’re still not feeling great about yourself.

So any level under 200 is kind of, you’re kind of stuck in this survival, you know, world. That’s, that’s your perspective. It’s like, just trying to get by. Most people are under 200, right? I think when this was originally created, David Hawkins said about 85 percent of people, um, are below 200. But the really interesting thing is even if you’re just, I think what I had just read was even if you’re at a level of like, 300.

You’re counterbalancing 90, 000 people who are like below the 200 level. Isn’t that wild? So sometimes we look at the world and we think, oh, well, you know, most people suck or, you know, women suck or men suck, or there’s so many terrible things happening in the world. But I find this to be super, super hopeful and empowering because it’s like, if you can just do the work of moving up the scale, you become so magnetic.

You become. Um, You’re like radiating. That’s how I think of it. It’s like radiating out this like good energy that benefits everyone that you come into contact with, which is just beautiful. I think so. Okay. So don’t get too discouraged while we’re going through the lower levels. That’s, that was my point with that.

Okay, so guilt is the next one that’s at a level of 30, you know, and that’s obviously where you just kind of keep thinking like, Oh, did I do something wrong or did I hurt someone’s feelings? Or, you know, there’s maybe a little questioning of yourself or even just assuming like, I am just guilty. I’m wrong.

Right? Next level we have is apathy. Apathy is at a level of 50. And so apathy. There tends to be almost like a, like a learned helplessness. Um, maybe you had tried in the past and you just feel kind of like defeated and there’s sort of a giving up hope. Right. So there’s just kind of a, I don’t know, like, does anything even matter?

And like, what’s the point? And things like that. So maybe some despair. Okay. So the next level we’re going to look at is grief. That is at a 75 on the zero through a thousand scale. So grief is going to be, and again, this is if it’s your predominant state. Typically, when I think of grief, I think of, You know, someone died, you lost your job, you, um, realized you had been miserable for a year just because you hadn’t forgiven yourself and then you finally forgive yourself and there’s like this grief over all those years that have been lost.

So it doesn’t mean that that’s not healthier. We don’t want to ever feel that. But what it does mean is if that’s your predominant way of being, you know, it’s pretty depressing. So I almost think of this level as like depressed. Um, if you’re. consistently, almost constantly in a state of grief. So there’s sort of this tragic feeling along with it.

Okay, so then moving up from grief, we have fear. So the level of fear is a 100. You probably feel pretty anxious. So I actually think of anxious as being fear. A lot of times we think of them as separate, but when we’re anxious, we’re worried because we’re like fear that something bad is going to happen, typically.

Right. And so seeing that connection, I think, can be really helpful too. Um, and so it could be anything. It could be, you know, I’m afraid I’m not going to have money to pay my bills. I’m afraid that people won’t like me. I’m afraid that I’m going to say something stupid. You know, I’m afraid of being alone forever.

I’m afraid of never having really good sex. Um, so whatever the fear is, Again, if you’re just having a passing fear, that doesn’t mean this is your state of being. But when this is your predominant perspective, this is kind of how most of your day goes, right? And so to just notice that if that’s the case.

So as I’m going through these, notice, okay, we’ve probably all experienced shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, right? But where do you tend to live? Where are you like, I probably spend at least 50 percent of my time there. Um, so notice that. All right. So next we have a desire. So this one, I think they all need copy outs, right?

So desire, there’s a difference between just wanting something like a goal. Like, Hey, like, I want to complete a marathon. Cool. Well, That’s different than like an addiction or a craving or just like really jonesing for something like there’s this neediness. Like, I’m not okay without this thing. There’s a sense of scarcity.

Like, I have to make sure my needs are met because, you know, a lot of times they aren’t or I’m not going to be okay. So that’s more of that desire level. So that desire is 125. That’s the level of frequency. Okay, so the next we have anger, and anger I do think is kind of a pivotal one because you go from such a low energy vibration, where it’s kind of hard to take action.

It’s a little bit more paralyzing. Okay? To Anger. Taking action. So when we think about big movements or changes that have happened politically, right, if we look back to Black Lives Matter, if we look back to, you know, women being able to vote, it’s like, first, people had to get pissed off. People had to be like, this is not okay.

Right? And so again, the important part is, we don’t want to live in anger. We don’t want to stay there forever, but we can appreciate it as a catalyst. Right? And so that’s kind of the distinction here, too. And you want to notice, do you live in anger? Is it like, you know, this person sucks, this person wronged me, this group of people is awful, you know, I hate these people.

Um, where there’s sort of this, uh, almost like revenge or, you know, aggression, um, coming from sort of an unhealed place. Again, doesn’t mean we don’t want to experience anger, but we don’t really want to live there permanently. Okay? So then the next level, and the last one that’s below the 200 level where we’re kind of almost trending downward or trying to like force things to happen in our lives, is pride.

So pride is more like, I know what’s right. And other people don’t know what’s right. Um, almost like a little bit of, you know, yeah. Inflating yourself and looking down on other people a bit. Um. It’s like, I’ve got it figured out.

And if only they knew, it’s kind of like self righteous really is how I would look at it. So that’s an 175 calibration. And so then we’re going to move up to courage. So courage is 200. So courage is the tipping point where we start to then gain more positive momentum, moving up the scale of consciousness.

And so anything over 200, remember, we’re You’re canceling out potentially like thousands of people who are below 200 level. And I think it was like, if somebody hit the level of love or enlightenment or something, they’re canceling out. Like, I mean, not canceling out. We’re not like canceling people, but, you know, counterbalancing, you know, millions or even a billion people.

So yeah, so it’s kind of cool. So courage is where you kind of get to a place where it’s like, huh, I can do some things. Maybe there’s some fear there, but I’m at a level now where, like, I can face that. I can believe in myself enough to go forward anyways. And so it’s empowering. And like, once you get to that level, it’s like, Ooh, let’s see what could happen.

Right. Let’s see what could happen in your sex life when you get to that level. That might be the level in your sex life where, you know, you’re ready to have some difficult conversations. Right. Um, yeah. And to kind of be like, I don’t know how this is going to go, but I know I need to do this for myself.

Uh, the next level is neutrality. And it’s interesting to think that neutrality is actually. In the positive range, right? And I think that, I think that’s fascinating, but it’s kind of like lack of resistance a little bit. Um, there’s more of a sense of trusting, um, that things will be okay. Um, yeah, you’re not, you’re not ecstatic, right?

You’re not bouncing off the walls. But there’s, it’s like satisfactory, right? So that’s neutrality. Then we have willingness. So willingness is at a level of 310. So at this level, you’re balancing out those 90, 000 people under 200 just by being willing. I think that’s amazing. So willingness, also, if we apply that to sex, um, what does that mean?

Maybe it’s like, Hey, my partner has been mentioning something for a while. I’m willing to try it. Right? There’s a sense of optimism, like, you know, I don’t know how this is going to go, but I think we’re going to figure it out one way or another. So it doesn’t have to be like an unrealistic, naive optimism, but it can kind of be just like a belief that like, you know, we can handle it.

Like I’m hopeful, like something, something good is probably going to happen. Um, and so you’re able to be more intentional because you have that willingness to show up. So the next. We have the level of acceptance. So acceptance is, uh, at 350 and with acceptance, again, you maybe have even a higher level of non resistance.

And really, I think the definition of enlightenment is like. zero resistance. And so with acceptance, you’re not trying to change your partner. You’re not really trying to change yourself. And with that, sometimes there might have to be some feeling of feelings like, wow, if I really don’t change or I don’t try and change someone else, I have to forgive myself.

I have to have compassion for myself. I have to have compassion for this other person. And so there’s a level of grace that comes with acceptance. Because you have to keep in mind, even as we’re moving up these levels, you’re still very human, right? I sometimes used to have the idea that like, you know, I’m just gonna be a little Buddha and like, I won’t be susceptible to all these like, human failings.

No, you still are. Even if you’re like, moving up this. Um, give an example of someone who had become enlightened and still smoke cigarettes. And I was like, what, that’s crazy to me, but fascinating. So, um, yeah, so just realizing though, that like, it’s not going to be perfect, but you might have a little bit more grace, more compassion.

All right. So then the next level. And I was a little surprised by this one is reason. So it’s kind of like logic, rationality is a level of 400. And so when I think of this and some of the benefits of this level, when it comes to, you know, intimate relationships, this might look like not, um, not taking things too personally, not making decisions from a place of emotional reactivity, but really just being able to look at like, okay, what’s here and what can we do with what’s here?

Um, And so there’s like a wisdom, there’s a wisdom in that. It’s not, I don’t think of it, you know, I think this is maybe why this level surprised me. It’s not this sort of cold, detached rationality. It’s really more of this like. understanding and, um, you know, wisdom and, you know, removing some of that, like, maybe you don’t get triggered as much.

Right. So instead of sort of like, Oh, I’m triggered. And, you know, I’m, things are escalating with my partner and, you know, we’re being defensive and whatever. It’s just kind of like, Oh, okay. This is how you’re feeling. Cool. You know, let’s work with it. All right, so then the next level is love, and I think it’s interesting.

They don’t have love as being the highest on this scale. I also want to mention that you might look at other scales and they might have like different words, but like, the gist is the same. So let’s keep that in mind. Um, so love is at a level of 500. And I’ve also heard love defined as appreciation, and I think for those of us who maybe struggle with the word love, or like, oh, I don’t want to say it, or like, what’s it going to mean?

Like, it can be so loaded sometimes. Like, what if you just looked at it as like a deep appreciation? I think that can really help. Help with that. So anyways, so this level of love again, keep in mind with both the lower levels and the higher levels. This means this is your predominant like modus operandi.

Like this is your perspective on the world in general. And so if you’re on a level of love, that means you love everybody, right? That means you love Donald Trump and Joe Biden. That means you love your partner on their good days and their bad days. That means you love yourself when you like quote unquote screw something up.

You know, or when you have a great achievement, you know, it’s just this idea of like, this is how you exist. Now. This is who you are. This is how you show up in the world. You are love. All right. So then the next level we have is joy, and this is 540 on the zero to a thousand scale. And so there’s this idea of like bliss.

I think of joy as being kind of bliss, right? Joy, it’s like there’s this revelry, there’s this, um, and you can kind of tell, like, if you look at that lower level we were at with, like, grief, apathy, guilt, shame versus joy, you can sense that, like, increased energy, sort of this, like, low energy of, like, I’m just barely functioning to, like, you’re vibrating with joy.

Right? It’s like you see and appreciate even more deeply like nature and maybe you feel, you know, listen to music or dance and feel joy and maybe you meet new people and you feel joy at connecting. This becomes your predominant state, right? So there’s, and I also want to be clear, there are not, not many people at this level.

And it’s like, if 85 percent are below 200, now we’re up at, you know, Okay. 540, not a ton of people that like exist on this level, um, on a day to day basis, but it’s good to know it’s possible, right? And so when I think of Eckhart Tolle, I think he’s, you know, somewhere up here in, in these high ranges, um, you can tell there’s really no resistance.

Like he found out he had cancer earlier this year and was like, okay, or last year it was, um, He had, he felt very present. Like that was his reaction. There was no sort of like, oh, this is bad or, oh, this is going to mean all these difficult things. It was just presence, which is wild to me. Um, so next we have a level of peace, um, and that is a 600 and it’s, it’s sort of like, yeah, everything is one.

Everything is perfect. And actually Eckhart totally describes this in his power of now book when he. Had an awakening. There was a sense that like, traffic is perfect. People yelling at each other is perfect. You know, and it can be, I think it can be so hard for those of us who are not yet enlightened, um, to conceptualize that, but that’s what that level is.

And then, um, on this map of consciousness, uh, enlightenment is defined as anywhere between a 700 and a 1000 and that means just pure consciousness. Right? It’s kind of like being one with source energy. So I hope, I hope this is helpful, um, to kind of understand these things. And I also wanted to mention some of the qualities of self energy.

This is sort of another way that we can kind of view our consciousness in general and, and how we want to approach our intimate relationships. So some of the qualities of self energy, uh, there’s actually the eight C’s of self energy, um, according to internal family systems. And excuse me, so I’m going to read them off to you and then we’ll get into them a little bit.

So confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness. And so the idea is you don’t need someone else to quote unquote make you feel this way. I think that’s one of the main issues that we get into in relationships is outsourcing Transcribed You know, our confidence, outsourcing, feeling connected, even outsourcing, you know, our energy to do things.

Like, oh, if someone else was here, if someone else could help me with this, then I could do these things and be courageous. Right? But the idea is, this is actually who you really are. Your self energy is your, you know, deeper essence. You know, you can think of it as like spirit, source energy, soul, whatever word kind of resonates with you, your inner divine spark, you know, whatever language you want to use.

But what would it also look like to bring these qualities? To your sex life, right? What if you were really curious? What if you didn’t really think you had it figured out, but you also still felt confident, you know? What if there was a sense of like playful creativity? What if there was just sort of clarity?

I’m like what to do next, right? And so I think it’s really kind of wild because it’s not I think Where we generally exist, but to have this goal of being able to access self energy more and to have your self energy running the show, so to speak. So, instead of parts that might feel guilty, fearful, you know, apathetic, some of those lower vibrations, um, sometimes those, Parts, which I think of the parts as being more of our ego and the self as being more of our higher consciousness.

So the more we can kind of work with the parts, work with the ego, rather than trying to banish it or thinking it’s bad, the more that the self-energy or higher consciousness can be running the show. So hopefully that makes sense to you guys. So what does it look like to move up the scale of consciousness or to incorporate more self energy when it comes to sex?

So some of the things that I see with people. You know, people show up with a lot of ego when it comes to sex. It’s almost like, Ooh, this feels vulnerable. So like, let’s bring along a few of my defense mechanisms. And that might look like, you know, bragging about sex. That might look like, um, you know, Oh, well, I, you know, I have a huge dick or, you know, I am so good at oral or like, Oh my God, you have the best blowjobs.

Just you wait. Right. And it’s like, what if we don’t have to do that? And your partner might like that. And if whatever, if that’s something you’re partnering, you are like into and it’s working for you. Great. But in general, just notice where it’s coming from. So again, you might say the same thing, but if it’s coming from a place of insecurity.

That’s not going to really be serving you if it’s coming from a place of like playfulness or like, you know, Hey, I know my partner likes it when I, you know, I’m just kind of like cocky with sex. That’s different, right? So notice where it’s coming from, be curious about it. But so that’s one thing that I notice with people that tends not to work.

There’s also then sometimes a shutdown of communication. So with that instead of embracing courage, it’s kind of like, Ooh, I have to pretend like I know what I’m doing. I’m supposed to just have this all figured out, right? And so that might be coming from a lower vibration emotion. Whereas when we’re embodying self energy and we are coming from a place of confidence, we maybe don’t have to do that, right?

Um, some of the other things that I see a lot with people are You know, difficulty really owning their sexuality and being authentic. So whether they’re, you know, attracted to people of all genders, or maybe they’re attracted to trans people, uh, maybe there’s some fear there of like, Oh, what if this is, you know, a person that I would want to pursue for a relationship?

What will my family think? Right? So there might be the level of fear there. What would it look like if that was the level of acceptance? instead of the level of fear. It might look like, Hey, this is who I’m attracted to. Cool. That’s fun to be attracted, you know? And then there’s also with the acceptance, maybe the forgiving yourself.

And it’s like, okay, I did have some discomfort with this attraction. And what if it’s, I can forgive myself for that. And now I’m in a place of acceptance and allowing. Let’s see, what other things? So, people might show up with some erectile dysfunction and feel uncomfortable about that. So, oftentimes what’s going on with that is, actually a really strong desire to please their partner and, you know, to the point that it feels like pressure.

So that might, again, be the level of fear where you’re experiencing anxiety, right? Sort of like a performance anxiety type of thing. Um, let’s see, if someone’s feeling pride, that might look more of like the cocky approach. If someone’s at the level of anger, I don’t know that they would be having sex in that moment, but they might that that could be like, uh, maybe you just had a big fight and then you like, angrily, passionately have sex.

Um, but, you know, maybe it’s almost like you’re acting out your anger and the sex. Um, what if that were to look more like courage? That might be getting vulnerable. So instead of like having the angry sex, which, you know, again, if it’s working for you, don’t worry about it. But if it’s not, you know, what would it look like to be courageous?

To me, that’s getting to what is below the anger. What’s that vulnerable part that needs to be acknowledged? And then you have the courage to have that conversation and then you have more connected sex and you’re in more of your self energy feeling connected, right? So that’s basically how this works. Um, What are some of the things you can do to move up the scale of consciousness?

Listening to the podcast, obviously. Um, I’m going to link to some resources. So I think continuing to educate yourself, maybe, you know, check out the letting go book by David Hawkins. Um, check out some of the internal family systems books. There’s a really good one called, you’re the one you’ve been waiting for by Richard Schwartz.

Um, I will link to that in the show notes as well. Um, You know, and I, and I will also share like in my own personal life, one of the things that I have mentioned before on the show is that, you know, when I was in a longer term relationship, there was this idea that, Ooh, I need to make sure we’re having sex so that like everything will be okay.

And I do actually think that came, um, from some of the lower vibration levels too. So I think there was some fear of like, you know, if we’re not having sex enough, that’s bad. And the relationship’s going to fall apart and you know, I’m going to be alone or whatever. And there was maybe also some pride of like, I don’t want, it to look bad, you know, um, that we’re, we’re not having more regular sex or, um, that I don’t have as much of a libido in this relationship right now.

So over time through surrounding myself with sex positive people, which is another thing you can do through attending workshops. Through reading about sexuality, through talking to people that I met along the way, um, through working on my own attachment style, um, through getting more comfortable talking about sex and in having a little bit of courage.

Um, so I do think that is a pivotal turning point. So it’s like if you can get to courage, it’s kind of like you’re over the hump in terms of your level of consciousness. Um, and so now. I would approach that situation so much differently, you know? I would probably hold space more for the other person. I’d probably be more curious, so bring some of the self energy.

Into the experience through curiosity. Um, I would probably connect with myself more and be more honest with myself about what was really working. I would probably have a conversation with my partner, also in more of a gentle, more of a gentle way. So I think there would be more of that level of acceptance, forgiveness, instead of kind of blaming him for not approaching sex the way I wanted or wondering if I was, you know, too difficult to please, or, you know, feeling like we had to have this like perfunctory sex.

What if I had approached it with, More understanding, more compassion for me and him, um, more hopefulness or just willingness to show up, more love, it doesn’t mean like love in the sense of romantic love, but more just like, what if I can love and accept both of us exactly as we are? Right? And so I think that’s what it can look like to move up.

The levels of consciousness, and this was a decade ago for me or more. And so this is not necessarily stuff that, you know, takes place overnight. Like, maybe you’ll have like a profound spiritual awakening like Eckhart Tolle did. Probably not, though. Like 99. 9 percent of us are not going to have that. Um, but, We can just become more aware, we can get support, we can kind of do the work, um, and maybe you have a partner who’s willing to do some of that with you, which would be pretty amazing.

So your homework, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to reflect on where are you at currently? Where are you predominantly at on the scale of consciousness? You know, are you at pride or anger? Are you at desire or are you up at, you know, acceptance or reason or willingness? And what does that look like?

And I would say, find out what is the level one, one level above where you think you’re at and start aiming for that level. So even if you’re like, well, shit, you know, I’m down there at shame. Guilt doesn’t sound too great. So what? Aim for one level above where you’re at once. Then once you’re at guilt, aim for apathy.

Then once you’re at apathy, aim for grief. Right? Because when we try to jump too many levels, it’s almost like a shock to our system. And we don’t really yet have the beliefs to support maintaining that level. And so by just going one rung at a time, it’s easier for our beliefs to kind of catch up with us.

So, I hope that’s helpful for you guys. Um, Again, I love this topic. So reach out to me if you have any questions about it or just kind of want to discuss it more. And I know this was a little longer than usual, but hopefully, uh, it was worth it for you guys.

If you, if you want to try, but you’re a little bit scared, how can you make it more enjoyable for yourself and your partner? And just some things to kind of, you know, look out for in your anal sex journey, if you will. So, all right, let’s start with some of the fears that people have. One of the most common ones that I hear is that it’s going to hurt.

So if you’re the receiver of the anal sex, you might be thinking, you know, You know, I don’t normally put things in my butthole, right? And are things really supposed to go in there? And is this going to feel really uncomfortable? And is this going to feel really painful? Right? And so there might even be some, like, dread of like, Uh, I really, really don’t want to try this.

So that could be on the physical side. On the emotional side, There could also be some fears of, you know, especially if you’re a woman, I would say, um, although certainly none of this is really a gender discussion. It can apply to people of any gender, but you might think, you know, what if I like it? There could even be a fear of liking it.

What will that mean about me? What does that say about me? What kind of person does that make me? And I think you probably know my answer. It doesn’t say anything about you except for that you like animal sex. That’s it. You can still be a good Christian. You can still be a kind person. You can still love animals and volunteer.

It does not say anything. And I guess part of why I wanted to get into that a little bit is, you know, sex has been so Connected to morality and our culture and it’s not a moral issue. It’s not. Um, it’s only a moral issue. If you are violating someone’s consent and like, not being a kind consenting adult person.

Right? So. What you like sexually does not say anything else about you. Alright, moving on from that, um, there might also be a sense of, you know, pressure versus trying to be open minded. It could be that one partner really wants to try anal sex and the other person really doesn’t. Or, if you’ve already been there, done that, one person wants to have anal sex more often than the other person does.

And so, you know, how do you navigate that? So I’m going to start with The people who have not tried anal sex or very limited and what are some ways that they can kind of baby step their way towards that? And I’m going to get into not just anal sex per se, but anal play because they’re very interconnected.

So let’s break it down. If you’re thinking of having anal sex, you’ve never done it before. There’s a little bit of nervousness. There’s a little bit of, you know, fear that there could be some pain. Where do you start? So I’m going to recommend starting with lube. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, but not kidding.

What I would actually say is start with making sure you’re turned on, right? And then relatively relaxed. And so, you know, if we’re nervous and stressed and anticipating something negative like pain, we can often be more tense. Which is going to make it worse. So do whatever relaxes you first. That could be taking a walk outside.

It could be doing some meditation. It could be I think maybe some kind of partner exercise. Maybe you do some tantric breathing where you kind of synchronize your breathing and make eye contact while you’re doing it and You know, something that gets you out of your typical day to day, something that gets you out of your, you know, fight or flight mode and puts you into relax and sexy mode.

So that’s going to be step one. Then the next step is going to be making sure you’re turned on. And this is actually interesting. The more we’re kind of turned on or like thinking sexy thoughts, the higher our pain threshold is. So fascinating, right? But it makes sense because sex is pleasurable, and so it’s kind of this counterbalance to the pain and taking that time, and I want to be like kind of specific here too, it’s time not just for physical foreplay, but for mental foreplay too.

So it could be flirting throughout the day, it could be going and buying some sex toys together, um, which can come in in a later step. It can be, uh, you know, just giving each other compliments or hinting at what’s to come, and flirting, or going out to dinner, or really connecting emotionally. You know, whatever kind of does it for you.

And from there, so now you’re kind of relaxed. Returned on then that’s where the lube comes in and potentially toys come in so The reason you want to, my, my, my philosophy, my mantra, if you will, with anal sex is lube, lube, and more lube. And so, if you remember nothing else from this episode, I hope that you remember that.

So, this can apply to anal toys, like anal beads, or butt plugs, or any other anal toys that you choose to use, and anal sex. If you are putting something into your anus, without lubrication, there’s a really good chance that you could tear something, create an anal fissure, uh, give yourself hemorrhoids, which, you know, then never fully goes away and you’re more likely to get them the rest of your life.

So it’s a whole thing, right? And so even if you’re super turned on and like, I’m ready to go, let’s go. Do not skip these steps. You will regret it. And you’re going to thank me later for this. So, all right. So then you might want to get some toys. And so there’s a few options, right? Like you can try. a butt plug and they make them in different sizes.

So I would say get a body safe material. Um, there’s a really nice brand called Enjoy. I think it’s literally the letter N in the word joy that makes stainless steel ones that have some like weight to them. And you can also experiment with, you know, what sensations do you like? Do you want to feel like there’s some weight to it?

Do you want one that has sort of a metal ball in it that jiggles around and creates a sense of movement? Um, do you want something that You know, gets bigger as you insert it further. Do you want something that, um, vibrates, you know, there’s so many options out there. So I do think some toy shopping can be kind of a fun thing.

Um, and usually people who work at toy stores will be able to advise you properly. Um, And you need to keep in mind too. So when I first went to sex toy stores, I was so uncomfortable. Um, so uncomfortable and kind of like, uh, I don’t want to say anything to anyone. I’m also going to say not all sex toy stores are created equal.

So, Still my favorite one I’ve ever been to are the Pleasure Chest stores, and I’m from Chicago. They also have them in L. A. and New York, uh, working on getting them to sponsor the show, so maybe I can hook you guys up with a discount, but, um, They’re great and their staff is really educated and it’s kind of this like upscale environment a little bit where it doesn’t feel seedy And it doesn’t feel odd being there.

Okay. So anyway, so you’ve got your toys. You’ve got your lube There’s also fingers right now. You can use your finger to kind of stimulate someone anally however, keep in mind that you know Excrement poop is not sanitary Right? And so then if, if you do that, that finger is now contaminated for the rest of your sex session.

And so you have to kind of keep that in mind, like you want to then deal with like stopping what you’re doing, getting up, washing your hand, or just kind of having to remember the whole rest of the time, like not to really touch your partner or yourself with that finger. And I know you’re like, Whoa, Heather, I didn’t know we were going there today, but we are, we’re going there today.

And I’m just saying this because you got to have all the information, right? And like, think about what you’re doing. Um, we don’t want anyone getting any infections or bacterias where they’re not supposed to be. So, so my personal choice for that reason would be toys. Or, you know, maybe put like a condom on your finger or something like that.

Also, Be aware of fingernails. So for these reasons, I’m just like fingers at your own risk, people. That’s kind of how I feel. Um, so you can find a small dildo, something narrow. You want to look for body safe materials. I mentioned the stainless steel. You can also go with like a high quality silicone. Not all silicones are created equal.

And this is also where, um, it’s, it’s good to go to a sex toy store and talk to the person that works there about which brands and which toys. Thanks. They like and know are legit sometimes when we’re buying online, it’s hard to kind of get that level of information. So I would say if you’re, if you’re working on your comfort level, sexually, go, go to a sex toy store.

Just that experience alone could help you feel more comfortable, less stigma, less shame. And for me, part of my journey was going to the pleasure chest and realizing. Damn, like, these people are truly comfortable talking about, you know, the nitty gritty of sex all day long. Like, there’s no shame in their game.

And really, it kind of, um, that example, it really modeled something for me of, like, I can be that free, huh? Like, I can just, like, that’s possible. That’s a possibility. I don’t think it was really, In my realm of possibility before having that experience that someone could be so educated and knowledgeable and comfortable and just like own it and be helpful and like care about other people’s pleasure.

You know, so I think it’s actually a good goal for all of us. All right. So anyways, back to the anal sex. So, so you’re relaxed. You’re aroused. You’ve got your lube. You’ve decided what you’re putting in the butt and then you might want to ramp up. So I would say, I would, this is why I like butt plugs too.

So butt plugs are great because you could just leave it there, right? So you can do other stuff, you know, kind of let your bucket used to something. being in there is a different sensation, right? The other nice thing about butt plugs and you want to look for something that has a, like, I’m going to get this word wrong, flange.

I think the word is flanged, ed, ed, end to it. And that we’re getting so specific today. That’s so your butt doesn’t swallow it basically, um, prevents it from getting sucked all the way up into there, which is a thing that can happen. Um, so be aware of that. And, um, yeah, so you can. Leave it in there for 10 minutes, maybe something like that, and then if you want to go ahead and try anal sex, you’re going to be a little bit more ready for that.

So you can then remove the butt plug. You should still be relaxed, turned on, and now feeling more ready for that sensation. And then you can kind of just go for it. And when I say go for it, I mean, lube, lube, and more lube again, and then I also mean, um, that you want to, uh, control the pace. And if you’re feeling like, ooh, this might be a lot for me, and if you’re, if you’re, Experimenting with anal sex using, you know, a penis that’s really large or a larger dildo.

First of all, if it’s a dildo, I would say don’t start with a large one. Start with a small one. Um, if it’s a penis, you can’t really control the size of your partner’s penis. So it is what it is. Um, but then go slow. And one option that I really, really like for people is that if you’re the receiving partner, have the partner with the dildo or the penis stay still And you control the motion.

So that’s going to really allow you to make sure it’s not too fast, to make sure it’s not too painful. And that would be something to talk to your partner about ahead of time. So plan, talk to each other a little bit, discuss. Um, I also love the idea, and my clients have received this really well too, of almost having like practice sex.

So if you’re going to try something new, take the pressure off, lower the stakes. And so if this is something that’s newer to you, or at least new with this partner, maybe. to kind of say like, Hey, I’m not so sure how this is going to go. Can we just like give it a whirl with no expectations? And if I need to stop after five seconds, we stop and it is what it is.

And then we’ll just cuddle or we’ll just make out or whatever you two decide. Right? Um, so that would be my suggestion for that. Now you might want to, as you get more comfortable, you might want to go faster. I also want to explain, um, you know, sex can feel different with different partners. So just because you tried it with one person, Doesn’t mean, and let’s say you didn’t like it.

Let’s say it’s like, no, I tried it once. Not my thing. Um, I will also add that was my personal experience. I tried it once. I was like, Nope, not for me. Um, And also you, you hear a lot from, I think I had heard a lot from other women that like, oh, it’s kind of painful or it’s uncomfortable. It’s like for men or like, this is something men enjoy or want to explore, but we’re not supposed to enjoy it.

And so I didn’t. Um, however, knowing what I know now, did I follow those steps? No, there’s no way I perfectly follow those steps, right? Um, so know that like, if you haven’t loved it in the past, that doesn’t mean don’t try it again if you’re still curious about it. Because, you know, the thing is, There’s a lot of nerve endings in our butt area in general, but specifically the anus has, there’s a lot of nerve endings, and there’s a lot of potential for pleasure there.

And I think the more we can be open to all parts of our body, bringing pleasure, maybe, maybe I’ll do, um, an episode on our like inner arm one day, who knows, but the idea is why are we limiting ourselves? It’s not about our body. It might feel good to our body. It’s typically about our minds. So notice that too.

What are the thoughts you’re having that are maybe getting in the way? What meaning are you making out of this? Because really on a factual level, it’s completely neutral. It’s like penis or dildo or whatever meets butthole. Okay. If we make that good, if we make that bad, if we make that mean we’re slutty, if we make that mean we’re awesome, if we make that mean we’re like a little kinky and, you know, like to spice things up, that’s all just made up.

Alright, so I hope that that helps you to feel a little bit more comfortable maybe broaching the topic. This would be a great episode to share with your partner if it’s something you’ve been talking about. Um, and then once you get comfortable with anal sex, you can kind of You know, play with it or play with, you know, play, as I mentioned before, maybe you try different toys.

Maybe you try, you know, beads. Maybe you try a larger dildo. Maybe you try pegging your partner, which is when we should do a whole separate episode on that. That’s when somebody that doesn’t have a penis uses a strap on to inly penetrate. Um, someone else, typically someone with a penis, um, and so that’s a whole other way to play with anal sex and, uh, anal pleasure in general.

So don’t be shy, bring up the topic if you’re, if you’ve been anal curious, let’s say, and let me know what you think of this episode. I’d be so curious to hear from you guys. As always, I appreciate your ratings and reviews. We are. Inching our way up. And what I appreciate even more is when you shared the episode, uh, with someone that you wanna play with, or just a friend that you wanna chat with about sexy stuff.

Um, and I wanna thank you guys too for just supporting the show and, you know, getting the word out there. And, and most importantly, I think like being on this journey, like to me, exploring sex is about. Being on a journey where you get more and more comfortable with yourself where you get more and more comfortable with embracing pleasure You get more comfortable talking about sex and being able to have these communication, uh, this communication, these conversations with your partner.

And also just even acknowledge for yourself, like, this is what would be fun for me, right? And the, cause the more we can allow it, the greater freedom we can have, the more pleasure we’re gonna experience. You know, and sometimes we have to do some work to kind of make sure we feel safe and secure and good first.

Right? And that’s even kind of why we do the baby steps with the anal sex and anal play. And I guess I also want to mention with that, you might try some of this and decide, you know what? I think I’m fine with just, you know, a finger in the anus or a small butt plug or a small dildo. And I don’t want to actually have anal sex.

You get to decide wherever it is along the spectrum of anal play or sex or anything for that matter. You know, where’s your sweet spot? What feels good and right for you? And then communicate that to your partner and just kind of own it. So anyways, I hope this was helpful. You guys, um, kind of a fun topic and, uh, let me know what you think.

I’m on Instagram at ask a sex therapist, just like the name of the podcast. Um, and we’ll put some links in the show notes for, uh, any products that, you know, I mentioned that I think could be helpful. Um, and also we do have a free Facebook community. So if you want to kind of discuss the episodes further, you know, find out about other workshops that I’m offering.

I do have some coming up on sexual communication. do a free one on that and then I’m also going to do a free one coming up. So make sure you get on the email list. Um. Which you can do at my website, uh, with one of my prior guests, Chris True, the comedian who did air sex championships. Um, we’re going to be doing a free workshop coming up.

So anyways, thanks you guys for listening as always, and we’ll catch you next Monday. 📍