📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 📍 Hey, everybody, I am back with another fun episode. We’re going to talk about anal sex. And what are some of the fears that people have? What are some of the misconceptions? How can you sort of Baby step your way towards it.

If you, if you want to try, but you’re a little bit scared, how can you make it more enjoyable for yourself and your partner? And just some things to kind of, you know, look out for in your anal sex journey, if you will. So, all right, let’s start with some of the fears that people have. One of the most common ones that I hear is that it’s going to hurt.

So if you’re the receiver of the anal sex, you might be thinking, you know, You know, I don’t normally put things in my butthole, right? And are things really supposed to go in there? And is this going to feel really uncomfortable? And is this going to feel really painful? Right? And so there might even be some, like, dread of like, Uh, I really, really don’t want to try this.

So that could be on the physical side. On the emotional side, There could also be some fears of, you know, especially if you’re a woman, I would say, um, although certainly none of this is really a gender discussion. It can apply to people of any gender, but you might think, you know, what if I like it? There could even be a fear of liking it.

What will that mean about me? What does that say about me? What kind of person does that make me? And I think you probably know my answer. It doesn’t say anything about you except for that you like animal sex. That’s it. You can still be a good Christian. You can still be a kind person. You can still love animals and volunteer.

It does not say anything. And I guess part of why I wanted to get into that a little bit is, you know, sex has been so Connected to morality and our culture and it’s not a moral issue. It’s not. Um, it’s only a moral issue. If you are violating someone’s consent and like, not being a kind consenting adult person.

Right? So. What you like sexually does not say anything else about you. Alright, moving on from that, um, there might also be a sense of, you know, pressure versus trying to be open minded. It could be that one partner really wants to try anal sex and the other person really doesn’t. Or, if you’ve already been there, done that, one person wants to have anal sex more often than the other person does.

And so, you know, how do you navigate that? So I’m going to start with The people who have not tried anal sex or very limited and what are some ways that they can kind of baby step their way towards that? And I’m going to get into not just anal sex per se, but anal play because they’re very interconnected.

So let’s break it down. If you’re thinking of having anal sex, you’ve never done it before. There’s a little bit of nervousness. There’s a little bit of, you know, fear that there could be some pain. Where do you start? So I’m going to recommend starting with lube. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, but not kidding.

What I would actually say is start with making sure you’re turned on, right? And then relatively relaxed. And so, you know, if we’re nervous and stressed and anticipating something negative like pain, we can often be more tense. Which is going to make it worse. So do whatever relaxes you first. That could be taking a walk outside.

It could be doing some meditation. It could be I think maybe some kind of partner exercise. Maybe you do some tantric breathing where you kind of synchronize your breathing and make eye contact while you’re doing it and You know, something that gets you out of your typical day to day, something that gets you out of your, you know, fight or flight mode and puts you into relax and sexy mode.

So that’s going to be step one. Then the next step is going to be making sure you’re turned on. And this is actually interesting. The more we’re kind of turned on or like thinking sexy thoughts, the higher our pain threshold is. So fascinating, right? But it makes sense because sex is pleasurable, and so it’s kind of this counterbalance to the pain and taking that time, and I want to be like kind of specific here too, it’s time not just for physical foreplay, but for mental foreplay too.

So it could be flirting throughout the day, it could be going and buying some sex toys together, um, which can come in in a later step. It can be, uh, you know, just giving each other compliments or hinting at what’s to come, and flirting, or going out to dinner, or really connecting emotionally. You know, whatever kind of does it for you.

And from there, so now you’re kind of relaxed. Returned on then that’s where the lube comes in and potentially toys come in so The reason you want to, my, my, my philosophy, my mantra, if you will, with anal sex is lube, lube, and more lube. And so, if you remember nothing else from this episode, I hope that you remember that.

So, this can apply to anal toys, like anal beads, or butt plugs, or any other anal toys that you choose to use, and anal sex. If you are putting something into your anus, without lubrication, there’s a really good chance that you could tear something, create an anal fissure, uh, give yourself hemorrhoids, which, you know, then never fully goes away and you’re more likely to get them the rest of your life.

So it’s a whole thing, right? And so even if you’re super turned on and like, I’m ready to go, let’s go. Do not skip these steps. You will regret it. And you’re going to thank me later for this. So, all right. So then you might want to get some toys. And so there’s a few options, right? Like you can try. a butt plug and they make them in different sizes.

So I would say get a body safe material. Um, there’s a really nice brand called Enjoy. I think it’s literally the letter N in the word joy that makes stainless steel ones that have some like weight to them. And you can also experiment with, you know, what sensations do you like? Do you want to feel like there’s some weight to it?

Do you want one that has sort of a metal ball in it that jiggles around and creates a sense of movement? Um, do you want something that You know, gets bigger as you insert it further. Do you want something that, um, vibrates, you know, there’s so many options out there. So I do think some toy shopping can be kind of a fun thing.

Um, and usually people who work at toy stores will be able to advise you properly. Um, And you need to keep in mind too. So when I first went to sex toy stores, I was so uncomfortable. Um, so uncomfortable and kind of like, uh, I don’t want to say anything to anyone. I’m also going to say not all sex toy stores are created equal.

So, Still my favorite one I’ve ever been to are the Pleasure Chest stores, and I’m from Chicago. They also have them in L. A. and New York, uh, working on getting them to sponsor the show, so maybe I can hook you guys up with a discount, but, um, They’re great and their staff is really educated and it’s kind of this like upscale environment a little bit where it doesn’t feel seedy And it doesn’t feel odd being there.

Okay. So anyway, so you’ve got your toys. You’ve got your lube There’s also fingers right now. You can use your finger to kind of stimulate someone anally however, keep in mind that you know Excrement poop is not sanitary Right? And so then if, if you do that, that finger is now contaminated for the rest of your sex session.

And so you have to kind of keep that in mind, like you want to then deal with like stopping what you’re doing, getting up, washing your hand, or just kind of having to remember the whole rest of the time, like not to really touch your partner or yourself with that finger. And I know you’re like, Whoa, Heather, I didn’t know we were going there today, but we are, we’re going there today.

And I’m just saying this because you got to have all the information, right? And like, think about what you’re doing. Um, we don’t want anyone getting any infections or bacterias where they’re not supposed to be. So, so my personal choice for that reason would be toys. Or, you know, maybe put like a condom on your finger or something like that.

Also, Be aware of fingernails. So for these reasons, I’m just like fingers at your own risk, people. That’s kind of how I feel. Um, so you can find a small dildo, something narrow. You want to look for body safe materials. I mentioned the stainless steel. You can also go with like a high quality silicone. Not all silicones are created equal.

And this is also where, um, it’s, it’s good to go to a sex toy store and talk to the person that works there about which brands and which toys. Thanks. They like and know are legit sometimes when we’re buying online, it’s hard to kind of get that level of information. So I would say if you’re, if you’re working on your comfort level, sexually, go, go to a sex toy store.

Just that experience alone could help you feel more comfortable, less stigma, less shame. And for me, part of my journey was going to the pleasure chest and realizing. Damn, like, these people are truly comfortable talking about, you know, the nitty gritty of sex all day long. Like, there’s no shame in their game.

And really, it kind of, um, that example, it really modeled something for me of, like, I can be that free, huh? Like, I can just, like, that’s possible. That’s a possibility. I don’t think it was really, In my realm of possibility before having that experience that someone could be so educated and knowledgeable and comfortable and just like own it and be helpful and like care about other people’s pleasure.

You know, so I think it’s actually a good goal for all of us. All right. So anyways, back to the anal sex. So, so you’re relaxed. You’re aroused. You’ve got your lube. You’ve decided what you’re putting in the butt and then you might want to ramp up. So I would say, I would, this is why I like butt plugs too.

So butt plugs are great because you could just leave it there, right? So you can do other stuff, you know, kind of let your bucket used to something. being in there is a different sensation, right? The other nice thing about butt plugs and you want to look for something that has a, like, I’m going to get this word wrong, flange.

I think the word is flanged, ed, ed, end to it. And that we’re getting so specific today. That’s so your butt doesn’t swallow it basically, um, prevents it from getting sucked all the way up into there, which is a thing that can happen. Um, so be aware of that. And, um, yeah, so you can. Leave it in there for 10 minutes, maybe something like that, and then if you want to go ahead and try anal sex, you’re going to be a little bit more ready for that.

So you can then remove the butt plug. You should still be relaxed, turned on, and now feeling more ready for that sensation. And then you can kind of just go for it. And when I say go for it, I mean, lube, lube, and more lube again, and then I also mean, um, that you want to, uh, control the pace. And if you’re feeling like, ooh, this might be a lot for me, and if you’re, if you’re, Experimenting with anal sex using, you know, a penis that’s really large or a larger dildo.

First of all, if it’s a dildo, I would say don’t start with a large one. Start with a small one. Um, if it’s a penis, you can’t really control the size of your partner’s penis. So it is what it is. Um, but then go slow. And one option that I really, really like for people is that if you’re the receiving partner, have the partner with the dildo or the penis stay still And you control the motion.

So that’s going to really allow you to make sure it’s not too fast, to make sure it’s not too painful. And that would be something to talk to your partner about ahead of time. So plan, talk to each other a little bit, discuss. Um, I also love the idea, and my clients have received this really well too, of almost having like practice sex.

So if you’re going to try something new, take the pressure off, lower the stakes. And so if this is something that’s newer to you, or at least new with this partner, maybe. to kind of say like, Hey, I’m not so sure how this is going to go. Can we just like give it a whirl with no expectations? And if I need to stop after five seconds, we stop and it is what it is.

And then we’ll just cuddle or we’ll just make out or whatever you two decide. Right? Um, so that would be my suggestion for that. Now you might want to, as you get more comfortable, you might want to go faster. I also want to explain, um, you know, sex can feel different with different partners. So just because you tried it with one person, Doesn’t mean, and let’s say you didn’t like it.

Let’s say it’s like, no, I tried it once. Not my thing. Um, I will also add that was my personal experience. I tried it once. I was like, Nope, not for me. Um, And also you, you hear a lot from, I think I had heard a lot from other women that like, oh, it’s kind of painful or it’s uncomfortable. It’s like for men or like, this is something men enjoy or want to explore, but we’re not supposed to enjoy it.

And so I didn’t. Um, however, knowing what I know now, did I follow those steps? No, there’s no way I perfectly follow those steps, right? Um, so know that like, if you haven’t loved it in the past, that doesn’t mean don’t try it again if you’re still curious about it. Because, you know, the thing is, There’s a lot of nerve endings in our butt area in general, but specifically the anus has, there’s a lot of nerve endings, and there’s a lot of potential for pleasure there.

And I think the more we can be open to all parts of our body, bringing pleasure, maybe, maybe I’ll do, um, an episode on our like inner arm one day, who knows, but the idea is why are we limiting ourselves? It’s not about our body. It might feel good to our body. It’s typically about our minds. So notice that too.

What are the thoughts you’re having that are maybe getting in the way? What meaning are you making out of this? Because really on a factual level, it’s completely neutral. It’s like penis or dildo or whatever meets butthole. Okay. If we make that good, if we make that bad, if we make that mean we’re slutty, if we make that mean we’re awesome, if we make that mean we’re like a little kinky and, you know, like to spice things up, that’s all just made up.

Alright, so I hope that that helps you to feel a little bit more comfortable maybe broaching the topic. This would be a great episode to share with your partner if it’s something you’ve been talking about. Um, and then once you get comfortable with anal sex, you can kind of You know, play with it or play with, you know, play, as I mentioned before, maybe you try different toys.

Maybe you try, you know, beads. Maybe you try a larger dildo. Maybe you try pegging your partner, which is when we should do a whole separate episode on that. That’s when somebody that doesn’t have a penis uses a strap on to inly penetrate. Um, someone else, typically someone with a penis, um, and so that’s a whole other way to play with anal sex and, uh, anal pleasure in general.

So don’t be shy, bring up the topic if you’re, if you’ve been anal curious, let’s say, and let me know what you think of this episode. I’d be so curious to hear from you guys. As always, I appreciate your ratings and reviews. We are. Inching our way up. And what I appreciate even more is when you shared the episode, uh, with someone that you wanna play with, or just a friend that you wanna chat with about sexy stuff.

Um, and I wanna thank you guys too for just supporting the show and, you know, getting the word out there. And, and most importantly, I think like being on this journey, like to me, exploring sex is about. Being on a journey where you get more and more comfortable with yourself where you get more and more comfortable with embracing pleasure You get more comfortable talking about sex and being able to have these communication, uh, this communication, these conversations with your partner.

And also just even acknowledge for yourself, like, this is what would be fun for me, right? And the, cause the more we can allow it, the greater freedom we can have, the more pleasure we’re gonna experience. You know, and sometimes we have to do some work to kind of make sure we feel safe and secure and good first.

Right? And that’s even kind of why we do the baby steps with the anal sex and anal play. And I guess I also want to mention with that, you might try some of this and decide, you know what? I think I’m fine with just, you know, a finger in the anus or a small butt plug or a small dildo. And I don’t want to actually have anal sex.

You get to decide wherever it is along the spectrum of anal play or sex or anything for that matter. You know, where’s your sweet spot? What feels good and right for you? And then communicate that to your partner and just kind of own it. So anyways, I hope this was helpful. You guys, um, kind of a fun topic and, uh, let me know what you think.

I’m on Instagram at ask a sex therapist, just like the name of the podcast. Um, and we’ll put some links in the show notes for, uh, any products that, you know, I mentioned that I think could be helpful. Um, and also we do have a free Facebook community. So if you want to kind of discuss the episodes further, you know, find out about other workshops that I’m offering.

I do have some coming up on sexual communication. do a free one on that and then I’m also going to do a free one coming up. So make sure you get on the email list. Um. Which you can do at my website, uh, with one of my prior guests, Chris True, the comedian who did air sex championships. Um, we’re going to be doing a free workshop coming up.

So anyways, thanks you guys for listening as always, and we’ll catch you next Monday. 📍