Hey everybody. And welcome back to this week’s episode of ask a sex therapist. Um, we have a special guest today, uh, who I’m excited to introduce. So Jackie Tempera is an award winning reporter, copywriter, and storyteller using her razor sharp writing, wit, and creativity. Jackie helps female leaders stand out in a world of endless options.

by finding the perfect words to communicate their special sauce with confidence and ease. When she isn’t working with clients, Jackie writes about sexual health, body inclusivity, reality TV stars, and astrology for women’s health magazine. Her writing has also been featured in top publications like USA today, Harper’s bazaar and business insider.

So welcome Jackie. Thank you so much for being here with us.

Thank you so much for having

I’m excited too. We’re going to talk about a broad range of topics today,

I’m,

like the full spectrum.

Throw them at me.

like people are going to be like, well, you’re taking us on a journey. And yes, we are. Um, so one of the like fun things about you, I think, is that you write something called horoscopes spelled W H O R O scopes.

Um, so that’s kind of fun. How did you get into that? Are you like an actual astrologer? This seems like a fun job. Tell us more.

It is most definitely a fun job. Um, so they’re actually, they are spelled the traditional way when I write

Okay. Just on Instagram.

them for, but for my own purposes, I do love to call them the horoscopes. I just think it’s fun. Whores deserve horoscopes too. They need them. And, um, yeah, I just think that’s a lot of fun, but I’ve always been an astrology girl.

I’m a proud

Scorpio rising here.

have always. I am also a Scorpio rising, so we have that in common. Yes, a double. So, I was delighted when Women’s Health asked me to start writing regular and sex horror scopes for them. Um, it’s just a fun way to learn more about it, but they have an astrologer who sends me,

Oh, that’s so cool.

I get to spice it up, which

Oh, I love that.

then I obviously get the The astrological forecasting can tell my friends, you know, if they’re gonna fall in love

I love it. So like, how much do you use astrology in your own love life?

Uh, not at all, I would say. No, that’s not true. Um, I think I definitely like, I’m, I’m dating someone right now and I was definitely like, okay, he’s got a July birthday. He’s either a Leo or a Cancer. I’m hoping he is a Cancer. Um, and then I found out he was a Leo rising and I was like, Okay. Okay. Lots of confidence and energy, but it’s something that I like reference.

I’ll definitely do a birth chart check. I have, um, my birth chart lady who does synastry. Um, her name is Kate and she’s fabulous. And she always runs like my, like, who’s, uh, like, it’s sort of like what part of your life you’re in and the planets and how they affect that relationship. So I do love that, but I’m not one to be like, Oh, I don’t date Gemini’s.

I don’t date.

Yeah. I’ve gotten more into it though. I use the app called The Pattern, which is pretty fun. Yeah. I’m like, Oh, this is like very spot on sometimes. And it was like making me buy more and more into astrology. Um, and because it uses your exact birthday and time, I think where people go wrong, and I’m actually curious what you think with, with astrology is they just go by the sun sign and they’re like, it’s so generic.

Crack. You know?

Yeah, your sun sign is like I don’t know, arguably the least interesting part of your astrology. I think, um, there are so many different placements and it’s like, it’s all about where all of the planets were when you were born. So that can have a huge impact. I mean, we think about like the ocean and the tides, right?

Like. But you want to say, like, there’s no impact on our, like, personal lives based on, like, what’s happening in the sky and the moon and all of these things when we’re born. Um, I think that’s, that’s crazy. But yeah, I think, like, once you get into, like, exactly where you’re born, the time you’re born, um, then you can unlock all sorts of things.

So, like, for people that are interested in sex and love, um, Venus is the big.

hmm.

for like love and pleasure. So that’s an important one to check out. If you’re not really feeling like your sun sign, uh, represents your love life.

I’m trying to think, I think my Venus is in Libra, like what would that mean, do you know?

So Libra means like you love like pretty things. Um, so for love, I mean, yeah, you’re like attracted to like pleasure seekers. Like you’re a pleasure seeker. You like, like aesthetically pleasing people and maybe like dates. I mean, who doesn’t? But Libra’s

Yeah, no, I’ve been, I’ve been accused

Um, those are kind of like, those are kind of surface level ones.

But, um, yeah, that’s it. That’s a good one. I have a Venus in Sagittarius, which means I like adventurous people and things

Okay. That makes sense. So we can all like look and see like, where’s our Venus and like, what does this mean? Um, and then what about our sex life? Is there a certain aspect or planet or a house that we should?

So Venus is like love and

Okay, cool.

Mm hmm.

All right.

so that’s like the big one. If you’re looking for advice in your love life, definitely check where Venus is right now and also where Venus is

Okay. And are there any like favorite apps or websites or places people should check for these things that are like legit?

Yeah. So like, honestly, just like Google birth chart, like free online birth chart. That’s what I do. I swear. It’s easy. It’s usually,

Okay. I just did want to.

cause it’s like all about timing, but I love the pattern. I love co star. I love the Chani app is a great

Okay. We’ll link

Um, there’s tons

Okay. We’ll put them in the show notes, people. So if you’re like, how do I do it? Um,

You’re like, what the hell is she talking about?

Yeah, like, well, we’ll figure it out for people. We’ll help them get there. Um,

Yeah,

cool. So that, that sounds so fun. Um, I’m also wondering, How did you get into sex and love writing? Like, first of all, congrats. Like you write for an awesome magazine. Um, you know, and that’s how we met, by the way. So people who are listening, like, how do you know each other?

Uh, I was quoted in one of Jackie’s articles. So, and then we became Instagram buddies. And then I was like, I kind of like this lady and what she’s all about.

I love to make a good Instagram friend, so I’m very happy we connected. And I think I, I interviewed you about falling in love.

it was it. I don’t even remember. Like, was it a, um, Oh yes, it was. I think that was actually two articles. Yeah.

I think one of them was maybe sex toys,

yes.

And the other one was maybe falling in love.

Yeah. It was kind of like, what are signs that it’s actually love and like, not just, you know, infatuation.

yeah, yeah,

So we can link to that too. Yeah, I liked it a lot, too. Um,

it was helpful. I was like, I had just met my current partner. So I was

oh, that’s interesting.

for the magazine, but I was also like, Oh, let me like pull the audience. Am I

I love when, like, your personal life and your professional life dovetail like that. You’re like, oh, how nice.

Yeah, it was great. My editor sent it to me and I was like, you don’t know what’s happening in my personal life, but it feels like this is an attack.

it’s an attack. You magnetized it, though. I think that was a good thing. Um,

Yeah, it was

So, yeah, so how did you become a sex and love writer?

right? So I definitely started on a way, way different path. I worked as a crime and

What?

reporter for many, many years in New England. Um, so that’s what I wanted to be when I was like a teenager. Um, well, when I was a little girl, I wanted to be Oprah Winfrey. I found out I was like, that’s my girl.

I like to talk to people. Um, this seems like it’ll be right up my alley. So I read a book about her for a book report and I found out she was a news anchor. So then I was like, okay, cool. That’s what we’ll do as well. And I really fell in love with reporting. I love talking to people. I love interviewing and just like really pulling out the interesting pieces of people’s stories and like reflecting those back to them.

So, I loved doing that and, um, while I have so much gratitude for the time I spent doing, like, courts and crime reporting, it did ultimately become really triggering and really, um, emotionally difficult for me. So, I had to take a step back and I wasn’t really sure what I was gonna do. Honestly, cause I was like, this is my whole, it felt like my whole identity was interviewing people and being this reporter, like Lois Lane girl.

And, uh, one of my great friends, Lindsey, uh, works at women’s health and she kind of knew I was going through a time and she was like, Hey, why don’t you write about, like, I think it actually was a story

Oh, interesting.

for women’s health. Um, like you have a funny voice, like just have fun with it if you have time.

And I was like, okay, that’ll be cool. And that was probably like, I think that was like five years ago at this point. So I just started taking on more and more stories. And then, um, as we’ll get into later, I’m a sexual assault survivor. So healing from that really, um, highlighted the struggles that I was having in my own sex life and made me more open to talking about it.

So I think that that naturally kind of led me into wanting to help other women, just like be able to talk about sex and love more openly.

Which is amazing. Um, it, it is, I mean, and I know like being a writer, even though you do seem to have a great gig is not always easy, um,

No,

know, like there’s a lot of hustling and, um, not always the most stable thing, but obviously, you know, you’re preaching to the choir with me. And I feel like, I think it’s so important to get stuff out there about sex and relationships and, um, You know, your, your magazine is read by so many people, which is, you know, really cool and impactful.

So, um, so I love that. Do you have any favorite things to write about?

um, I definitely love astrology. I like articles like the, I honestly really like articles like the one we worked on about like how to know if you’re actually falling in love where it’s just like more practical advice. Um, because. These are the questions that we, like, Google when we can’t sleep, right?

Like, it’s like, how do I know if this is a real relationship or they are just, like, want a physical relationship? Like, these are the things that we’re, like, searching and maybe are even too

hundred percent. I do it too.

So, When, no, I like have definitely like stumbled upon, like, how do I know he likes me?

And then read one of my colleagues articles. And I was like, thanks girl. Um, but I like to be that resource for people to be that, like, I don’t know, like big sister or whatever it is, um, to just kind of like give you the download, because when we did that article, there were so many things about like neuroscience and just like feelings in your body to like know when you’re really.

Um, forming that kind of a strong bond with someone versus when it’s more of a surface level relationship and that’s, I mean, who couldn’t benefit from some of

Yeah, I totally agree. I liked it because it was more of a mature version. Like, I think about those articles that are like, um, science, he likes you, you know, and you’re like, okay, I like that. I can’t believe I’m doing this sometimes, but yours was like, oh, this is quality information. Yeah.

yeah, I mean, of course, I, like, was born and bred on, like, Seventeen Magazine and, like, Tiger Beat where it was like, Like 12 ways to

Yeah,

thinks you’re cute. Um, so I like to that I’m kind of doing that, but it’s like in a little bit more of an elevated, elevated way, which is like a huge testament to my editors at Women’s Health too.

They come up with really, really awesome, um, ideas and they have a really great pulse on, yeah, their community and what women are. Talking about and wanting to learn

love that. And since you’ve been doing this for like five years or so. Is there anything surprising that you’ve learned about, you know, sex and love and relationships?

Oh, I mean, so many things have been surprising. Um, so, like I said, I started doing reports. I’ve been a reporter for 15 years, but then took this like, um, pivot to, um, sort of like sex love lifestyle. Um, like you said, about 5 years ago. So, um. I would say there’s like so much that you don’t know about sex when you’re just like a regular person going about your life.

I think, um, I was born and raised like Catholic. So it wasn’t like a very open situation growing up. So I think like, like I said, like through healing from sexual assault, I kind of had to get real with myself and talk about like, okay. What do I find pleasurable? Um, like what are the things that I like during sex?

What are the things that I don’t like? Um, and I had to get really clear on that. So then that kind of like opened the door to like all of these different things whether it be like tantric or kink or um, using toys or things like that where like I don’t know. I was kind of sheltered before and I was like terrified to go into like a sex shop or even like talk about anything like that with a girlfriend.

So I think that the most surprising thing to me is like how powerful like your sexuality and like learning to like lean into it and really like learn who you are as a sexual person. How powerful that is in your whole life because I think it contributes so much to our confidence as human beings. so much.

So, I don’t know that I, yeah, I think I learned that through writing and through just, like, lived

That makes sense and I do think they dubbed held together, you know, um, and I feel the same way. It is interesting. How our journeys are also kind of parallel. It’s like, I also grew up

Yeah, I know.

you know, talk about sex for a living. Um, yeah, it’s like accidental or not accidental. I mean, I think it’s part of the story.

It’s like, I, I was pretty fricking, you know, repressed for a long time. Um,

Yeah, I was very

same. Yeah. I had like a lot of anxiety about like getting pregnant, like getting STIs and there was some, you know, kind of paranoia around that

know, I was definitely operating around, like, that Mean Girls quote, like, If you have sex, you will get chlamydia and die.

same.

okay, got it.

Yeah, here we are still kicking.

Yeah, yeah, I guess it was wrong. Imagine.

Um, yeah, we, I mean, for me, I was even discovering that like, there’s so many benefits to, to sex and to orgasm and to just touching and, um, You know, there was just zero focus on that. It was like fear after fear and terrible thing and ruining your life. And to kind of discover like, yeah, you have to like be a mature adult and have adult conversations to navigate the safety elements.

But like, there’s a lot of benefits.

Oh, totally. And I think like, like you just said, like, I think if you can’t talk about sex, like with your partner, like you shouldn’t be having

That’s my thought too.

like, if you can’t have like a normal conversation about it, you’re probably not mature enough to be engaging in it in a

Exactly. Um, and I, I’m baffled though. I mean, a lot of like seemingly mature people have sex and like never bring up the safety conversation. So if you’re listening to that, this is not to shame you, but like, please, please have that conversation.

Just just have

Yeah, and I mean, half the time, at least the other person’s going to be like, oh, thank you for bringing it up because I’m not good at bringing it up, you know?

Um, and if they react poorly and they’re like, no, I refuse to use any kind of protection or I won’t do this or that, then like, this is not someone you want to have sex with. Bullet dodged.

Yeah, I think that there is so much to, like, just being straightforward about everything in relationship, but, like, particularly around sex. Like, you vet people so much faster, um, you know, like, if you have a simple boundary with, like, physicality, like, let’s say, I don’t know, you don’t like your hair being pulled and the person or the person that you’re talking to is like, well, that’s a deal breaker for me.

Like, I have to pull your hair every single time, like, it goes off on you. It’s like, okay, well, how are they going to react when you set a boundary about like, I don’t know, like housework finances, um, any of these big things. So I think it can be sort of like an entryway. Um, and we think of sex as so casual, I think often, but.

It’s an important and like, I don’t know. I don’t see it as a casual thing anymore.

I think that’s healthy approach. It’s like, it’s intimate. It’s like no matter how you slice it, you know, like, even if it’s like a one time thing and you never see the person again, it’s like you are exposing yourself to the risk of disease or infection. You are, you know, You know, getting naked with someone you are often, you know, penetrating or being penetrated.

Like these, these are not actually like super chill, casual things, generally speaking.

No, it’s like arguably the most vulnerable you can be with someone.

So I appreciate you saying that. Um, okay. So let’s segue into the recent article you wrote, um, about sexual assault. And first of all, I just think like, wow. Wow. You know, really, it’s like, and I think I get this because like, I am also someone who puts myself out there in a certain way.

Um, but it’s hard. It’s hard to kind of put yourself out there, let alone share such a vulnerable story publicly. Um, but I’d love to hear about, like, how long did you think about doing it? What made you decide to actually go for it? Um, and how did you get it published and all the things?

Yeah, so I will say that I have been writing on this topic like just like alone in my bedroom and like alone in my writing groups that I do for, uh, uh, I’ve been writing a version of that essay at least for like six years, and I’ve been like talking about how I would begin to share this. It’s something I, I’ve wanted to share because I know I have a platform.

Um, I reach a lot of women through my work, um, on my business and then through women’s health too. So I know how important it is to talk about it. But, um, obviously when it’s you that it’s happened to, it’s There’s a whole different set of challenges and triggers and just like emotional stuff that comes with it.

So I would say this, the writing process of it and like the processing, because I do process my feelings through writing, um, started, um, Probably shortly after I was sexually assaulted, so, uh, about six years ago, and I’ve just kind of, like, let myself not really have a format for it and just, like, kind of let it fly and I have, like, I don’t know, I hope to write a book one day, I will write a book one day about, um, the experience to, of, like, healing from that because I think it’s, like, you’re literally, like, Kind of like rebirthing yourself, I think, after an invasion like that.

So the writing took a long time to answer that and short of a shorter way. And I just like, was always feeling like I was never ready to share it. I was like, oh, I’ll wait until I have, um, A therapist that I see, like, once a week or I’ll wait until it’s X number of years out or I’ll wait until this and then I just had an opportunity.

Um, an editor said who was familiar with my story and who had read, um, some of my, like, previous essays, just like from me sharing with her. Um, mentioned that they were doing this package on pleasure and what I write about, like how my relationship with like pleasure and satisfaction shifted after I was raped.

And when I got the email, I was almost like, Nope, I was

Pass on

no, I will not be doing that. Like, sounds cool. Um, but I had to really be like, all right, like, you know what, you’re never going to be a hundred percent ready for something like you got to just do this. Like I knew it was a powerful. Opportunity and through the whole process, I was just like, if I am able to reach one woman with this story, because it was about ways to reconnect to your body and enjoy sex after, um, Assault and trauma.

If I could reach one person who felt the way that I did at that time, then this will be worth it. And, um, I’ve gotten a lot of really great feedback and honestly, no negative feedback at all, which was some of my,

Mm-Hmm.

publishing it, you know, um. But it was pretty incredible. I got to interview the women that I did group therapy with at the Boston area rape crisis center for the piece.

Um, and I hadn’t seen them since I was literally in group therapy with them, um, five years ago. So it was just like the craziest experience to be like, interviewing them rather than like me sitting in their room, like, I mean, truly just like crying and, you know, Just having a, having a time. I mean, that was truly the lowest point of my life was, was with those women and they helped me out of it.

So, um, it’s been a, it’s been a really beautiful full circle moment, but not without a lot of challenges personally.

that. Um, I just think it’s so cool that you did it and I, I love what you said about like if one person benefits from this. Um, and I think that with sex, part of why I went into this field is because I think there are so many sort of dark, shadowy, unconscious areas of sexuality with sexual assault being one of them.

The more we take those things out of the shadows and talk about them freely and shine some light on them and realize that there is love and support there, you know, for us. I think the more we’re able to, um, heal some of those parts, you know, so I guess I’m curious, like, do you feel like it was even like further healing to write the story?

Yeah.

Uh, I love that question because when I was doing it and like, I hopped on the call with the counselors, I was like, Oh, this is a beautiful full circle moment. And I’m so proud. And that’s like all of these things that which is true, which is definitely true. But while I was interviewing them, I started to like, dissociate and kind of like leave my body.

And I felt a lot of the same. I mean, like the Post traumatic stress syndromes that I experienced after my assault. So, like, having, like, a racing heartbeat, um, not being able to focus, like, losing my place in the conversation. So, I went into this interview thinking, like, oh, what a triumph. And then halfway through it, I was kind of like, I don’t even know what I’m asking you guys anymore.

I’m sorry that I’m a little disoriented. And, um, one of the women, Shadi, she said to me, you know, like, this can be a full circle moment, and it also can be incredibly difficult and painful. So, like, hold both of those for yourself. So, that was a really, really beautiful moment. And they just, it was, um, It was helpful to have them because they were truly the people that worked with me on this.

And while it was many years ago, and they’ve been through, like, probably dozens of iterations of my group program since then, um, there’s no one that I would rather have been in that space with for them to, like, hold me back because that’s not usually, uh, the source’s role in a general, in a reporting, right?

Like, you don’t want to be, like, your source to be comforting you, but, like, It, they needed, I needed that support and, um, luckily I was able to

That makes sense. That maybe it added a little safety in that they had been your support team. Um, but I appreciate you being so real about like, yeah, it’s full circle, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t triggering in some ways.

Yeah, no, I definitely, like, spent a couple of days in bed and felt like Scared and like vulnerable and all of those feelings come up again. And like, that’s what we talk about when we talk about being triggered. Right. I think that’s a word that gets thrown around a lot, but I always like to just clarify, like my meaning of triggered is that I feel as if I’m in that unsafe place that I was in during my trauma.

So that’s what it felt like, even though I was sitting on a zoom like this, talking to two women, I love. I felt like I was like under attack and my body is doing that like fight or flight and I’m just like damn it. Like I’m just trying to have a good conversation here and celebrate this moment, but the body doesn’t know that.

humans, you know? Um, you’re right. The body doesn’t always know that. And, um, one of the things I do with people with internal family systems, which is, you know, a form of parts work is, um. Sometimes go back and find those parts that are, you know, stuck in the past and kind of bring them into the present.

Um, and so it can be a really good method for, for creating. Um, trauma and for recreating safety, um, through our own self energy. So the idea of it is that like self energy is like calm and confident and spacious and unaffected by trauma, which I love that because we’ve all had trauma in various forms. Um, but, uh, but yeah, so I love that we’re able to kind of recreate that safety.

And so I’d love to hear from you, like what helped you recreate some safety in your healing process?

It was a lot of different things. So, um, any survivors that have access to group counseling and like personal therapy, I recommend it wholeheartedly. Thank you. I was really afraid and almost didn’t do it because I thought it was going to interfere with my work as a journalist. Um, I was like, oh, I won’t be able to interview the Rape Crisis Center anymore because of a conflict of interest.

I shouldn’t go. And thank God, a friend of mine at the time was like, Jackie, that is stupid. Go. Um, so I was like, yeah, you’re right. Um, I didn’t really need to interview them that much anyway. But so, That’s, um, was one of the big, the big ways, and I think that that just, like, showed me, um, during our first session, we were handed, like, a piece of paper that was, like, here are all the symptoms of, um, sexual assault trauma or sexual trauma, and I was in a room full of people.

10 women who had also experienced, um, I was one of 10 who had also experienced that. And I just like watched as all of us checked off almost every

Oh, wow.

It was like, like complete dissociation, like being depressed, like, um, stomach problems, headaches, all of these different things. I wish I had the list in front of me right now.

But, um, being in that environment was so affirming because we were all pissed, right? Like when I was checking off this thing, I was like, are you joking? Like this. Asshole who did this to me, like is now forcing me to have all of these symptoms of something I didn’t, you know, I wouldn’t have had to deal with otherwise.

And while that isolated, if I was alone by myself, feeling those feelings, I think that would have been terrifying being in the group made me realize like, oh, this is not unique to me. This is, um, something that’s unfortunately universal to. Many victims of, um, of rape and sexual assault because there is a way that your body responds to it and there is a way to heal from it.

So, like, your question was, like, how did I heal from it was really, like, investigating my thoughts around it. I felt like it was, um, I think this is super common. Like, it was my fault. I should have been more careful. Um, so sort of unpacking that with the group and, like, really interrogating, um, the evidence behind that statement was something that we did in therapy that I found really helpful.

Um, we did an exercise where we needed to share our story with the group, which was probably the hardest thing that I. Have ever done, um, that was the 1st time I had shared it and any sort of, like, public contacts, other than, like, to my closest family and friends who were and like therapist. Um, so we did that, like, sort of desensitizing ourselves when talking about it.

And then we did a lot of like somatic work. Um, we did like self touch. Um, there was an exercise where we ate like a Jolly Rancher very, very slowly, um, which sounds super silly. And it was definitely like, we were all like giggling during it, but it was just this like reminder that like, you can be slow and intentional and even sensual with something as silly as like a candy.

Like you can. Slowly peel off the wrapper and like, hear how that sounds and then feel how it tastes in your mouth. And it’s like, these are the little tiny steps that we kind of dip our toe into before it’s like, okay, I’m going to get back on the apps and like, do my thing and like dive back into this, like in a full

Yeah, that that makes so much sense and I mean, I’ve done a similar thing to the Jolly Rancher with a raisin. It’s kind of like a meditation.

Yeah, there’s lots of strawberries. Yeah. Like, yeah, there’s a lot of

but I can see it at least kind of being like, this is a safe way to connect to your senses and connect to your body again. Yeah, I like that. That is kind of

Like, we were like, it was just a group of girls, like, just like, Oh, like, look at my sexy Jolly Rancher over here. Like, let me peel it off nice and slow. Like, it was funny. And it was really healing. So it was like, in those like, lighter moments that we found healing. And also just, um, the counselors were so knowledgeable.

I didn’t really, you know, Even though I had reported on sexual assault for most of my career, that was like one of my niches was talking about speaking to women who had been, um, harassed or assaulted because I just knew how pervasive it was

So pervasive.

insanely. Um, so I like literally had like maybe two months before I’ve written an article where I had a fact box of like, here’s the things to do if you’ve been assaulted.

And Like ask me if I’ve done, if I did any of those things for a year afterwards, cause I didn’t even believe that it had

Oh, wow. Mm

Um, so it’s like, just like the education of like the impact on the body was, um, transformative

interesting what you just said about not believing it had happened for a year. Can you like talk about that a little bit?

Yeah. So I think for the first, I remember the day after, um, this happened. I said to my friend, like, something weird happened last night, like, um, without getting too into the details of my story, someone, um, like, had sex with me while I was asleep. So, I woke up and I was like, something weird happened, like, I was asleep, I wasn’t totally there, like, that seems strange.

And I remember my friend’s face kind of, like, falling and being like, oh, I think that’s something more than, like, weird. And I was like, oh, I’m not gonna think about it. And then I didn’t want to leave my house anymore. I didn’t want to talk to my friends. I started pushing away my family. I wore really baggy clothes all the time.

Um, I became terrified that people were gonna push me down a flight of stairs. Um, and there were just all of these very, to me at the time, they seemed like strange, new anxieties I had. And I couldn’t even relate. I was like, what’s going on with me? Like, what’s happening? And then It sort of hit me. I had shared it with another friend and she was like, yeah, that’s not a weird experience.

Like that man, um, raped you. Like, that’s what happened. And like, having it thrown at me so bluntly, I was like, okay, yeah, this is how I need to accept this so I can like work through it. So it’s like, of course I knew it

Mm hmm.

on like an intellectual level, but to like really understand and like grapple and accept that fact is sometimes half the battle, I think,

think so too. I mean, I really appreciate you sharing what that period was like before you kind of came to terms with it, because I think a lot of people. Go like that their whole lives probably, you know, and just kind of make their world smaller and, um, I, I very much share the anger that you expressed of like, okay, so someone did this to me, you know, I’m the one who has to kind of like do all the work to undo this harm.

Oh, I was, I, I still am

me too. I’m a fierce on your behalf and on behalf of all people who have been

behalf of everyone, not just, yeah, I know I’m far from alone in that feeling and it’s, it’s like, feels very frustrating. It feels like, I mean, understatement of the year, right? But it’s like this, it’s almost like this brick fell out of the sky and now I’m like, dealt to like, pick up the pieces.

But of course it’s not, it’s someone took a conscious action to, um, perpetrate a crime, you know, and

that, you know. They’re not going to have any consequences, but I hope they did.

he didn’t. No, he had zero consequences, even though I reported it to the police, unfortunately. Yeah, um, which is, again, another reality for survivors.

I mean, even the fact that you reported it is more than most people do.

Yeah, and it was super unpleasant. Um, I wrote an essay about this that hasn’t been published yet, but I felt like I was, like, ordering a burger. I was, like, literally next to a man who was fighting a parking ticket and was, like, telling the police about, like, he had intel on the assassination of JFK. I was living in Boston at the time, so.

They’re like into that so that’s on my right and then the person the police officer in front of me at the window is like and How much do you weigh and how much did this man weigh and can you explain what sex means to you? Like I need you to be very very specific because it could mean different things to different people like it’s just out in open air We weren’t in a in anything.

So it’s like When people wonder, like, why don’t more people report? It’s like, does that sound pleasant to you?

Yeah, and I, I’m not surprised. So I was a high school counselor and sometimes I had kids report child abuse to me and the police would come in. So I, I witnessed like how the police talk to people who are dealing with trauma and that was in more of a closed room with an advocate present.

So I can’t even imagine, you know, trying to do that like on your own in a public forum. Um, I think it’s a testament to what a badass you are.

Thank you. It didn’t really feel like it at the time, but looking back on it, I feel really, really proud of that. Um, like 25 year

Yeah, like that to me, that’s like, you’re really showing up for yourself and like big time in that moment.

Yeah. And I didn’t feel like it then I was like, I was motivated by the idea that like, at least if he did this to someone else, there would be, um, a record of it.

That’s actually a really good point, you know, and I, different situation, but I had a little bit of sexual harassment from a neighbor and I talked to a friend about it. And this story is also, this conversation is reminding me of how important friends are, you know, you’ve mentioned a couple friends who are really instrumental and you like getting some help and figuring out, you know, what was going on.

Um, but I mentioned it to a friend and, um, she was kind of like, Heather, that’s not okay. And you need to tell the property management of your building. Um, because there’s a chance he’s done this before. And in my mind, and I think there’s a culture around this. And so this is why I’m saying this, but in my mind, I was like, probably not.

Or, you know, there’s like a dismissiveness because I think there is a desire to like, not believe, um, the worst in people or, you know, Not believe that like something bad really happened to you. And so if it hadn’t been for her saying this, I probably wouldn’t have mentioned it to property management, but I did, and he had done it a handful of other times since he’d lived in the building and my property manager, uh, was a bad ass and immediately she like didn’t even wait to hear back from me.

She like tried to wait a couple hours. She’s like, I couldn’t wait any longer, Heather. And she went and served him a warning that if he does one more thing, he’s evicted, um, Yeah,

that’s, you know, women helping

absolutely. And yeah, so I love hearing like the friend’s role in your story And I think it’s just important to kind of for people to understand like they’re you know You know, our parts, I think our protective mechanisms in an effort to keep us safe, you know, might develop more anxieties, might deny that something that bad actually happened, might not want to speak it because it makes it more real and like that, that’s all okay.

That’s tough to be. Aware of, you know, and we’ll, we’ll also link in this episode. So if this episode, you know, is like making people realize stuff they’ve been burying for a long time, you know, I know you mentioned like the, the resource center that you went to, um, you know.

Yeah,

Yeah, so we’ll link to that 1 and.

are

Okay. Yeah. We’ll try to link to like a national like finder of resources if we can, but, um, it’s like there is help out there. Um, you know, I work with people who have experienced sexual trauma and, and I also want to say, I don’t think there’s a woman out there who hasn’t to some degree.

Oh, I think that’s another thing is like once you start diving in and you’re like, oh, this is what consent is like it’s pretty clear. And there are definitely many other points in my. You know, sexual career where I would say, yeah, I look back on it now and I’m like, Hey, that didn’t feel great. Like that one didn’t look awesome.

I’m sure any woman can relate to that. And any person, I don’t want to say it’s just women

Right. Absolutely. As any

men who experience assault, um, and even more stigma stigmatized in some ways. Um, but yeah, it’s like, we’re not really trained on what’s right. And what’s wrong because sex can be so taboo.

But, um, there’s this one, uh, quote about assault that my counselors provided me that, like, has always really helped me to clarify it for myself is, um, because I think a lot of the feedback I’ve gotten in my life is like, oh, well, like, um, why do you still like having sex if, um, if you were assaulted or like, I’m surprised you like X because of this.

And I want to, like, make this distinction that, like, rape is not sex. Rape is. a crime where sex is used as the weapon. So there are not, it’s difficult to kind of conceptualize that with other crimes, but I think that’s a really powerful one to sit

I appreciate that. And I do think that’s super important. Um, yeah. Rape is not sex. Sex is when you decide to do something with someone.

So yeah, sex requires consent. Rape is an attack, a

different. Cause I have had people say, Oh, the first time I had sex was rape. It’s like, Nope, that was not the first time you had sex, you know?

No, I mean, yeah, that’s a horrible thing to feel, but yeah, that’s not

exactly. Um, So then how did you kind of get to a point where it’s like, okay, you’ve healed enough and you’ve had this group experience and you know, um, you’re re, you know, working with your thoughts and, um, kind of reclaiming your power and getting out of the, um, the, some of the anxieties that, you know, you had, how do you go from there to like actually enjoying sex and like experiencing pleasure again?

Oh, it was a slow, slow build, I’d say. Um, lots of like,

Okay.

that I had a very supportive partner at the time who did like, a lot of work with me. So it would be like. Is this something that you would enjoy? Is this something that you wouldn’t enjoy? And we kind of just like, took baby steps and then, I mean, through the years, I think it’s just been something that, like, I’ve had to get really comfortable talking to people about it, potential partners or, um.

Yeah, just, just people in general, because it is, there are certain boundaries that I have, um, because of that experience that maybe I wouldn’t have before. And there is a certain level of presence that is important to me during, um, intimacy that, um, Maybe I wasn’t as focused on before, you know, like I don’t like it when people are watching TV or like have things on in the background or like things like, I mean, I think most people probably don’t like that, but I like when someone’s very present with me and they’re with me.

So I don’t kind of like veer into a potentially triggering scenario. And of course, I still do get triggered, like, a hundred percent, like, that definitely still happens to me. Um, I just have more self regulation tools, like breathing, um. You know, like the classic, like grounding into your five senses. Like, um,

Mm hmm.

familiar.

Um, I’m sure you could tell me a lot more. Uh, but yeah, I have different regulation tools and like, also. I know that I can say like, okay, I don’t want to do this anymore. Like consent can be withdrawn at any time. So I think just like a lot of it was the therapy and just like building my rebuilding my confidence.

I’ve done a lot of work. Um, In my life to like rebuild my sense of self and my belief in myself, because that was really shattered. Um, after that experience, unfortunately,

is so real. I think what you just said, like your belief in yourself being shattered, cause it’s like from an external perspective, I think and hope most people listening can be like, you did nothing wrong. You’re, you know, you’re just doing all this work to heal. Um, but I do think when you go through that, it’s kind of, it can sometimes be like, how did I let this happen?

Or why didn’t I catch this or that? Or like, you know, was my judgment off? Like, you know, there’s kind of a questioning of yourself sometimes.

yeah, and I think that part of that is like, not wanting to think that it could happen again or that it’s like that random bad things happen to people. I think that’s really, really scary realization. Like you were saying, like, to lose that faith in people or to think that people are capable of evil. Um, I don’t know that I really thought that before this experience, maybe I lived like a very, like, uh, blessed life ahead of time, but I kind of always saw the best in people and I still try to, um, but this was like a rude awakening for me, you know, to like, be like, okay, now my world, my worldview has shifted and my view of myself has shifted.

So how do I get back to being a person who is loving and who’s not, um, jaded and who’s not skeptical of every man? Um, because that’s not fair either.

That, yeah. I don’t know. Listening to this, I’m like, I feel like we could have a whole Podcast.

Yeah, I could keep going.

Like there’ll be a whole podcast with many episodes, you know, on this topic, because there’s, there’s really so much there in the details, but I think like hearing what you just said to me, what sticks out is the intentions, like getting really clear on your intentions and like where you want to head.

Sounds like it was really important for you. Um, yeah.

Like, I think, yeah, like, being like, I want to be able to enjoy sex with a partner again was like, a general goal, right? So I took small steps to get to that goal, and then, you know, you set your next goal after that, which, for me, is like, speaking about it. So, once I kind of was able to get to that goal, Like actually engage in sex again after this and like get my life back.

I knew, yeah, I wanted to share and I wanted to be able to help others who maybe recover a little faster, you

and I do think when we kind of touched on this a moment ago, but like, helping people understand really what’s okay and what’s not okay. And, you know, one of the things that. bums me out. And maybe you could help with this based on your skill set. But, um, my, one of my lowest download episodes is my consent episode.

And, you know, I’m kind of like, what does that say? I think it’s like an uncomfortable topic. Maybe it doesn’t seem as sexy on the outside. I literally think it’s the foundation of all sexiness. Um, and so I do want people to understand that. And so part of it, I’m like, okay, maybe I need to package this differently.

Maybe I need to trick people into learning about consent.

No, we do.

Jackie’s going to

Um, no.

But in a nice way.

In a real, in the best way possible. I think that consent on its own, it’s like, It doesn’t sound sexy, right? Like, yeah, of course, like people are going to be like, Oh, the BDSM episode, like click, like consent.

Exactly.

or whatever, but consent is like so sexy.

Like you consent is like the moment that someone’s like, yeah, like I do want you like, and I want you to do these things to me and I want to do these things to you. And like, that’s like the most exciting part. So like,

I mean,

come on

and I don’t know how you feel about this now,

Download the episode.

like, there’s a direct correlation in, like, how safe I feel and, like, how slutty I want to be with you. Okay.

percent, a

People listening, did you hear that? We both feel that same way. So, I think it’s worth it for people to put the effort into, how do I make my partner feel really safe?

Like, what are some ways that I can, um, create a container, so to speak, of safety in our sex life? Um, so do you have any thoughts on that? Like, what could, what could a partner do who wants to create a safe space?

I think just like communicating is so huge. Like, and like talking about people, like talking about their edges. So like in that article, I said, like, I don’t like people to touch my neck. It sends me into fight or flight. And like, that’s something like, this is very personal, but that’s something that I’m working on because I don’t necessarily want that to be something that’s blocking me.

So it’s like, I’ll take. Little tiny actions like my partner will place his hand on my chest and he’ll be like, how does that feel and I say, okay, or someday I’m like,

Right. Yeah.

go away. I don’t want that. So it’s like, it’s a lot of trial and error. I think for a partner, there’s a lot of resources and a lot of research you can do about, um, how.

People’s brains change after assault and like what the impact is to try and create that safe space. But I think the number 1 thing is just truly talking because every person is going to be different and everyone’s boundaries and what makes them feel safe is going to be different. Um, but yeah, I think.

For me, like, the sexiest thing is having someone who’s, like, willing to do that work with me and take the extra steps to, um, make me feel safe and secure and, like, ensure that we’re going to have that co create that experience together.

where the fun is. I think you know, it’s yeah

And also, like, to the survivors, like, it’s not on you all. It shouldn’t always be on you to, like, curate the perfect experience for yourself, sexually or otherwise. Like, your partner can and Should, um, do some research. It’s not hard. You could do a Google. I’ll send you my article.

So send your partner this episode and this could be a jumping off point, but I do think things like podcasts and articles are a good starting point because they’re like neutralized, you know? And so it’s like, okay, let’s just both, you know, read this or listen to this and no one gets defensive.

It’s just like, okay, this is like a neutral piece of content. And then, um, and then it could be a jumping off point for a conversation. Um,

Yeah, and it’s also probably more entertaining than like the academic

Oh, I mean, that’s probably true. Yeah. Yeah, I probably wouldn’t go with an academic article. Although I’m sure there’s some good stuff in there.

Yeah, there are

I get bored very easily though. Um, my, my eyes just glaze over, you

get that.

um, but okay, well, this has been incredibly helpful. I just want to thank you for again, your bravery, your vulnerability, your strength.

Um, And, uh, helping to educate people about sex and relationships in general in your career, sharing your specific story here. Um, yeah, I feel privileged that you were willing to share it here. So thank you.

Thank you, and I mean, thank, speaking of safe spaces, like, thank you for making this one for me. Um, you know, I was definitely a little nervous, uh, talking about this. It’s definitely very personal and scary, but I am, yeah, committed to sharing more this year and hopefully helping others in the process, so.

Um, and if people want to find out more about you, about your work, check out your articles on where can they find you?

Oh, they can head over to Jackie tempera. com, um, or follow me on Instagram at Jack temp, and I have all of my different things there. I have, uh, my group coaching, a lot of different free resources for storytelling. And then I always

Love it. Okay. All right. We’ll link to that and the show notes as well. So thank you so much for being here, Jackie, and thank you everybody for listening. Catch you next Monday.

Thank you.

📍

And, you know, I almost. name of this podcast, you know, sex, sex and consciousness, um, or something along those lines. Because I think that exploring consciousness is something I’m passionate about. This idea of sort of awakening from not being fully aware and from going from, you know, everything that’s handed to us, we just kind of accepted or we’re not questioning things to really realizing like our power as individuals and knowing that we can make conscious choices.

Um, and create what we want to create for ourselves and in the world and in our sex lives. So that’s what we’re going to get into. So we’re going to get into today. Um, before we get into it though, a couple of things I wanted to mention. So, um, for the last handful of episodes, I have been putting two or three related episode links in the show notes.

So whether you’re new or not, if you’re kind of like, Ooh, I really like this episode. I want more like that. Go to the show notes and you’ll get recommendations that will, you know, be episodes that have a similar vibe. So, um, for this episode, I’m linking back to episode 10. Where I talked about the sexual placebo effect and law of attraction, episode 16, uh, healing through seduction with Pearl Noir, where we incorporate some kind of spiritual concepts and spiritual growth and healing.

And then episode 28, um, where we talked about BDSM play parties and queer sexuality with Cassiana Boom, where we get into also a lot of like questioning norms and being conscious and going after what you want and being intentional, um, and all of that. So if you are looking for more amazing episodes, you’ll find those there.

You can also find them on my website. We’ll have all of the links and notes for each episode there. So for this episode, episode number 35, it’s going to be Heather Shannon, excuse me, heathershannon. co forward slash E 35 and it will be like that for every episode. So again, heathershannon. co forward slash E 35 and you will find all of the links that you could ever want.

All right. And then for the review of the week, um, this one says such a great find. This podcast is fantastic. The host builds such a great rapport with her clients. Uh, I think this is about the episode where I coached Vanessa. Um, and I love that we get to hear how these sessions go. It kind of takes the fear out of finding a therapist for the intimate moments in life.

Love, love, love this podcast. Thank you very much for the review and I wanted to use this to point out that, yeah, it’s okay to go to sex therapy, right? It’s okay to have a sex coach. Um, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. Um, basically what it means is you’re on this consciousness journey. You’re kind of like, wait a second.

All of these things that I’ve been handed about how relationships are supposed to be, how sex is supposed to be, um, are not factual, are not accurate. I mean, some of it probably is, right? But maybe they’re not serving you in terms of what you’re wanting to create with your sex life. And you’re like, Hey, there’s gotta be another way.

And there is. And you know where to find me, right? So instead of looking at it like, Oh, is something wrong with me? You look at it like, Wow, I am like taking action in my life to create what I want to create and to get the education and information that I deserved back in the day that I didn’t get, um, but now I have access to, so, um, that’s why I wanted to share that one.

Alright, so we’re going to start by getting into the Hawkins Scale of Consciousness. So, I first came across this. Uh, actually when I got sick in Puerto Rico last year and was really having a hard time and a health coach recommended this book to me after talking to me a little bit. And it’s about levels of consciousness and, you know, emotional states and, you know, our perspective.

Really, that’s how you can think of a level of consciousness is what is your perspective on the world? Right? Because you might have a hundred people who experience the same thing. In a day, um, and actually the, the letting go book by David Hawkins talks about someone getting in like a fender bender in a parking lot, I think.

And he goes through, you know, Hey, if you’re at this level of consciousness, here’s how you react to that. If you’re at more of a, you know, medium one or a high one or low one, here’s how you’re going to react to that. And it’s fascinating because I think our human minds can get so stuck and mine too, right?

On, you know, Like, Oh, I got a new client or my podcast is doing well today. Today’s a good day. Or, you know, I didn’t hear back from that client or, you know, I was trying to network with someone and they missed our meeting. Like, Oh, today’s not a good day. Right. And we can become so conditional on our circumstances.

And so what I love about this level of consciousness is that it’s something that is at least somewhat in our control that we can be. intentional about and choose to be on a growth path with that. Um, I just think that’s so much more empowering and it’s so much more focused on, you know, what is it that we can control versus our circumstances, which actually only account for about 10 percent of our happiness.

Isn’t that fascinating? It’s not that they count for zero. Like certain circumstances or situations might make it easier to have better feeling thoughts or easier to have a good perspective, but still they actually only account for 10%. of our happiness, which I think is fascinating. So doing this kind of work on your own perspective is going to account for much more.

And the other piece is our health, right? And it’s interesting that I kind of found the scale of consciousness due to health issues. And you know, there’s just such an interplay between our thoughts. In our physical state. So when my physical state was really suffering, it was hard. It was really hard to have good thoughts.

You know, it’s like I was struggling to eat. I was struggling to breathe well. And then at the same time, I knew I kind of had to improve my thoughts to help improve my physical state. And so I think that those two pieces together, sort of like, you know, genetics, epigenetics, wellness, thoughts, perspective.

That’s the other 90 percent of what makes up our happiness. Um, so we’re going to get into that. We’re going to get into some qualities of self energy, and then we’re going to talk about what does it look like to become more conscious. And um, You know, kind of embody our own internal higher consciousness when it comes to our intimate lives.

Right? And I feel like this could be a long episode. I’m just going to say that now. Um, and then I, cause I do want to also share my own personal experience with, you know, how did I used to approach sex and like, what kind of level of consciousness was that at versus how do I look at things now? And hopefully I’ll keep evolving.

Right? I don’t think I’m definitely not done evolving. So let’s get into the Hawkins scale of consciousness. So I’m going to start by just kind of going through this chart, like a map of consciousness. I will share the chart in the show notes. So don’t forget that. And, um, we’ll kind of go through it somewhat quickly.

And so the list is numerical. So when David Hawkins created this, It’s a 0 through 1000 scale. Okay. And so I’m going to let, you know, the point value. So 0 means, like, very low vibration. 0 is like dead. Like, you’re not even alive. Right? Um, higher vibration means like, you are just vital and vibrant and full of life.

Really? Okay. So we’re going to go through the name of the level. The number associated with it. What is sort of the predominant emotional state? Um, what is sort of your view on life? Um, and any other sort of details that I might add.

All right. So the bottom level is shame. So shame is at a level of 20 and I think we all kind of know what shame is. It’s kind of like. almost feeling embarrassed about our existence. And I, and I want to make one distinction before we go too far in this. There’s a difference between experiencing the emotion of shame occasionally versus being like, that’s the state that you like live in.

And that’s your perspective on the world. So as I’m going through these, what, what I’m saying is this is the perspective on the world. So if you’re like, I experienced shame sometimes, does that mean I’m at the lowest level? No, you probably experienced many of these. What you want to kind of pay attention to is.

What is your predominant perspective on the world? And be curious about what would it look like if your predominant perspective moved up a level. Okay, so the next level after shame, where you’re kind of just embarrassed almost about your existence and just feeling so like you’re just awful, is guilt. We can see you’re still not feeling great about yourself.

So any level under 200 is kind of, you’re kind of stuck in this survival, you know, world. That’s, that’s your perspective. It’s like, just trying to get by. Most people are under 200, right? I think when this was originally created, David Hawkins said about 85 percent of people, um, are below 200. But the really interesting thing is even if you’re just, I think what I had just read was even if you’re at a level of like, 300.

You’re counterbalancing 90, 000 people who are like below the 200 level. Isn’t that wild? So sometimes we look at the world and we think, oh, well, you know, most people suck or, you know, women suck or men suck, or there’s so many terrible things happening in the world. But I find this to be super, super hopeful and empowering because it’s like, if you can just do the work of moving up the scale, you become so magnetic.

You become. Um, You’re like radiating. That’s how I think of it. It’s like radiating out this like good energy that benefits everyone that you come into contact with, which is just beautiful. I think so. Okay. So don’t get too discouraged while we’re going through the lower levels. That’s, that was my point with that.

Okay, so guilt is the next one that’s at a level of 30, you know, and that’s obviously where you just kind of keep thinking like, Oh, did I do something wrong or did I hurt someone’s feelings? Or, you know, there’s maybe a little questioning of yourself or even just assuming like, I am just guilty. I’m wrong.

Right? Next level we have is apathy. Apathy is at a level of 50. And so apathy. There tends to be almost like a, like a learned helplessness. Um, maybe you had tried in the past and you just feel kind of like defeated and there’s sort of a giving up hope. Right. So there’s just kind of a, I don’t know, like, does anything even matter?

And like, what’s the point? And things like that. So maybe some despair. Okay. So the next level we’re going to look at is grief. That is at a 75 on the zero through a thousand scale. So grief is going to be, and again, this is if it’s your predominant state. Typically, when I think of grief, I think of, You know, someone died, you lost your job, you, um, realized you had been miserable for a year just because you hadn’t forgiven yourself and then you finally forgive yourself and there’s like this grief over all those years that have been lost.

So it doesn’t mean that that’s not healthier. We don’t want to ever feel that. But what it does mean is if that’s your predominant way of being, you know, it’s pretty depressing. So I almost think of this level as like depressed. Um, if you’re. consistently, almost constantly in a state of grief. So there’s sort of this tragic feeling along with it.

Okay, so then moving up from grief, we have fear. So the level of fear is a 100. You probably feel pretty anxious. So I actually think of anxious as being fear. A lot of times we think of them as separate, but when we’re anxious, we’re worried because we’re like fear that something bad is going to happen, typically.

Right. And so seeing that connection, I think, can be really helpful too. Um, and so it could be anything. It could be, you know, I’m afraid I’m not going to have money to pay my bills. I’m afraid that people won’t like me. I’m afraid that I’m going to say something stupid. You know, I’m afraid of being alone forever.

I’m afraid of never having really good sex. Um, so whatever the fear is, Again, if you’re just having a passing fear, that doesn’t mean this is your state of being. But when this is your predominant perspective, this is kind of how most of your day goes, right? And so to just notice that if that’s the case.

So as I’m going through these, notice, okay, we’ve probably all experienced shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, right? But where do you tend to live? Where are you like, I probably spend at least 50 percent of my time there. Um, so notice that. All right. So next we have a desire. So this one, I think they all need copy outs, right?

So desire, there’s a difference between just wanting something like a goal. Like, Hey, like, I want to complete a marathon. Cool. Well, That’s different than like an addiction or a craving or just like really jonesing for something like there’s this neediness. Like, I’m not okay without this thing. There’s a sense of scarcity.

Like, I have to make sure my needs are met because, you know, a lot of times they aren’t or I’m not going to be okay. So that’s more of that desire level. So that desire is 125. That’s the level of frequency. Okay, so the next we have anger, and anger I do think is kind of a pivotal one because you go from such a low energy vibration, where it’s kind of hard to take action.

It’s a little bit more paralyzing. Okay? To Anger. Taking action. So when we think about big movements or changes that have happened politically, right, if we look back to Black Lives Matter, if we look back to, you know, women being able to vote, it’s like, first, people had to get pissed off. People had to be like, this is not okay.

Right? And so again, the important part is, we don’t want to live in anger. We don’t want to stay there forever, but we can appreciate it as a catalyst. Right? And so that’s kind of the distinction here, too. And you want to notice, do you live in anger? Is it like, you know, this person sucks, this person wronged me, this group of people is awful, you know, I hate these people.

Um, where there’s sort of this, uh, almost like revenge or, you know, aggression, um, coming from sort of an unhealed place. Again, doesn’t mean we don’t want to experience anger, but we don’t really want to live there permanently. Okay? So then the next level, and the last one that’s below the 200 level where we’re kind of almost trending downward or trying to like force things to happen in our lives, is pride.

So pride is more like, I know what’s right. And other people don’t know what’s right. Um, almost like a little bit of, you know, yeah. Inflating yourself and looking down on other people a bit. Um. It’s like, I’ve got it figured out.

And if only they knew, it’s kind of like self righteous really is how I would look at it. So that’s an 175 calibration. And so then we’re going to move up to courage. So courage is 200. So courage is the tipping point where we start to then gain more positive momentum, moving up the scale of consciousness.

And so anything over 200, remember, we’re You’re canceling out potentially like thousands of people who are below 200 level. And I think it was like, if somebody hit the level of love or enlightenment or something, they’re canceling out. Like, I mean, not canceling out. We’re not like canceling people, but, you know, counterbalancing, you know, millions or even a billion people.

So yeah, so it’s kind of cool. So courage is where you kind of get to a place where it’s like, huh, I can do some things. Maybe there’s some fear there, but I’m at a level now where, like, I can face that. I can believe in myself enough to go forward anyways. And so it’s empowering. And like, once you get to that level, it’s like, Ooh, let’s see what could happen.

Right. Let’s see what could happen in your sex life when you get to that level. That might be the level in your sex life where, you know, you’re ready to have some difficult conversations. Right. Um, yeah. And to kind of be like, I don’t know how this is going to go, but I know I need to do this for myself.

Uh, the next level is neutrality. And it’s interesting to think that neutrality is actually. In the positive range, right? And I think that, I think that’s fascinating, but it’s kind of like lack of resistance a little bit. Um, there’s more of a sense of trusting, um, that things will be okay. Um, yeah, you’re not, you’re not ecstatic, right?

You’re not bouncing off the walls. But there’s, it’s like satisfactory, right? So that’s neutrality. Then we have willingness. So willingness is at a level of 310. So at this level, you’re balancing out those 90, 000 people under 200 just by being willing. I think that’s amazing. So willingness, also, if we apply that to sex, um, what does that mean?

Maybe it’s like, Hey, my partner has been mentioning something for a while. I’m willing to try it. Right? There’s a sense of optimism, like, you know, I don’t know how this is going to go, but I think we’re going to figure it out one way or another. So it doesn’t have to be like an unrealistic, naive optimism, but it can kind of be just like a belief that like, you know, we can handle it.

Like I’m hopeful, like something, something good is probably going to happen. Um, and so you’re able to be more intentional because you have that willingness to show up. So the next. We have the level of acceptance. So acceptance is, uh, at 350 and with acceptance, again, you maybe have even a higher level of non resistance.

And really, I think the definition of enlightenment is like. zero resistance. And so with acceptance, you’re not trying to change your partner. You’re not really trying to change yourself. And with that, sometimes there might have to be some feeling of feelings like, wow, if I really don’t change or I don’t try and change someone else, I have to forgive myself.

I have to have compassion for myself. I have to have compassion for this other person. And so there’s a level of grace that comes with acceptance. Because you have to keep in mind, even as we’re moving up these levels, you’re still very human, right? I sometimes used to have the idea that like, you know, I’m just gonna be a little Buddha and like, I won’t be susceptible to all these like, human failings.

No, you still are. Even if you’re like, moving up this. Um, give an example of someone who had become enlightened and still smoke cigarettes. And I was like, what, that’s crazy to me, but fascinating. So, um, yeah, so just realizing though, that like, it’s not going to be perfect, but you might have a little bit more grace, more compassion.

All right. So then the next level. And I was a little surprised by this one is reason. So it’s kind of like logic, rationality is a level of 400. And so when I think of this and some of the benefits of this level, when it comes to, you know, intimate relationships, this might look like not, um, not taking things too personally, not making decisions from a place of emotional reactivity, but really just being able to look at like, okay, what’s here and what can we do with what’s here?

Um, And so there’s like a wisdom, there’s a wisdom in that. It’s not, I don’t think of it, you know, I think this is maybe why this level surprised me. It’s not this sort of cold, detached rationality. It’s really more of this like. understanding and, um, you know, wisdom and, you know, removing some of that, like, maybe you don’t get triggered as much.

Right. So instead of sort of like, Oh, I’m triggered. And, you know, I’m, things are escalating with my partner and, you know, we’re being defensive and whatever. It’s just kind of like, Oh, okay. This is how you’re feeling. Cool. You know, let’s work with it. All right, so then the next level is love, and I think it’s interesting.

They don’t have love as being the highest on this scale. I also want to mention that you might look at other scales and they might have like different words, but like, the gist is the same. So let’s keep that in mind. Um, so love is at a level of 500. And I’ve also heard love defined as appreciation, and I think for those of us who maybe struggle with the word love, or like, oh, I don’t want to say it, or like, what’s it going to mean?

Like, it can be so loaded sometimes. Like, what if you just looked at it as like a deep appreciation? I think that can really help. Help with that. So anyways, so this level of love again, keep in mind with both the lower levels and the higher levels. This means this is your predominant like modus operandi.

Like this is your perspective on the world in general. And so if you’re on a level of love, that means you love everybody, right? That means you love Donald Trump and Joe Biden. That means you love your partner on their good days and their bad days. That means you love yourself when you like quote unquote screw something up.

You know, or when you have a great achievement, you know, it’s just this idea of like, this is how you exist. Now. This is who you are. This is how you show up in the world. You are love. All right. So then the next level we have is joy, and this is 540 on the zero to a thousand scale. And so there’s this idea of like bliss.

I think of joy as being kind of bliss, right? Joy, it’s like there’s this revelry, there’s this, um, and you can kind of tell, like, if you look at that lower level we were at with, like, grief, apathy, guilt, shame versus joy, you can sense that, like, increased energy, sort of this, like, low energy of, like, I’m just barely functioning to, like, you’re vibrating with joy.

Right? It’s like you see and appreciate even more deeply like nature and maybe you feel, you know, listen to music or dance and feel joy and maybe you meet new people and you feel joy at connecting. This becomes your predominant state, right? So there’s, and I also want to be clear, there are not, not many people at this level.

And it’s like, if 85 percent are below 200, now we’re up at, you know, Okay. 540, not a ton of people that like exist on this level, um, on a day to day basis, but it’s good to know it’s possible, right? And so when I think of Eckhart Tolle, I think he’s, you know, somewhere up here in, in these high ranges, um, you can tell there’s really no resistance.

Like he found out he had cancer earlier this year and was like, okay, or last year it was, um, He had, he felt very present. Like that was his reaction. There was no sort of like, oh, this is bad or, oh, this is going to mean all these difficult things. It was just presence, which is wild to me. Um, so next we have a level of peace, um, and that is a 600 and it’s, it’s sort of like, yeah, everything is one.

Everything is perfect. And actually Eckhart totally describes this in his power of now book when he. Had an awakening. There was a sense that like, traffic is perfect. People yelling at each other is perfect. You know, and it can be, I think it can be so hard for those of us who are not yet enlightened, um, to conceptualize that, but that’s what that level is.

And then, um, on this map of consciousness, uh, enlightenment is defined as anywhere between a 700 and a 1000 and that means just pure consciousness. Right? It’s kind of like being one with source energy. So I hope, I hope this is helpful, um, to kind of understand these things. And I also wanted to mention some of the qualities of self energy.

This is sort of another way that we can kind of view our consciousness in general and, and how we want to approach our intimate relationships. So some of the qualities of self energy, uh, there’s actually the eight C’s of self energy, um, according to internal family systems. And excuse me, so I’m going to read them off to you and then we’ll get into them a little bit.

So confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness. And so the idea is you don’t need someone else to quote unquote make you feel this way. I think that’s one of the main issues that we get into in relationships is outsourcing Transcribed You know, our confidence, outsourcing, feeling connected, even outsourcing, you know, our energy to do things.

Like, oh, if someone else was here, if someone else could help me with this, then I could do these things and be courageous. Right? But the idea is, this is actually who you really are. Your self energy is your, you know, deeper essence. You know, you can think of it as like spirit, source energy, soul, whatever word kind of resonates with you, your inner divine spark, you know, whatever language you want to use.

But what would it also look like to bring these qualities? To your sex life, right? What if you were really curious? What if you didn’t really think you had it figured out, but you also still felt confident, you know? What if there was a sense of like playful creativity? What if there was just sort of clarity?

I’m like what to do next, right? And so I think it’s really kind of wild because it’s not I think Where we generally exist, but to have this goal of being able to access self energy more and to have your self energy running the show, so to speak. So, instead of parts that might feel guilty, fearful, you know, apathetic, some of those lower vibrations, um, sometimes those, Parts, which I think of the parts as being more of our ego and the self as being more of our higher consciousness.

So the more we can kind of work with the parts, work with the ego, rather than trying to banish it or thinking it’s bad, the more that the self-energy or higher consciousness can be running the show. So hopefully that makes sense to you guys. So what does it look like to move up the scale of consciousness or to incorporate more self energy when it comes to sex?

So some of the things that I see with people. You know, people show up with a lot of ego when it comes to sex. It’s almost like, Ooh, this feels vulnerable. So like, let’s bring along a few of my defense mechanisms. And that might look like, you know, bragging about sex. That might look like, um, you know, Oh, well, I, you know, I have a huge dick or, you know, I am so good at oral or like, Oh my God, you have the best blowjobs.

Just you wait. Right. And it’s like, what if we don’t have to do that? And your partner might like that. And if whatever, if that’s something you’re partnering, you are like into and it’s working for you. Great. But in general, just notice where it’s coming from. So again, you might say the same thing, but if it’s coming from a place of insecurity.

That’s not going to really be serving you if it’s coming from a place of like playfulness or like, you know, Hey, I know my partner likes it when I, you know, I’m just kind of like cocky with sex. That’s different, right? So notice where it’s coming from, be curious about it. But so that’s one thing that I notice with people that tends not to work.

There’s also then sometimes a shutdown of communication. So with that instead of embracing courage, it’s kind of like, Ooh, I have to pretend like I know what I’m doing. I’m supposed to just have this all figured out, right? And so that might be coming from a lower vibration emotion. Whereas when we’re embodying self energy and we are coming from a place of confidence, we maybe don’t have to do that, right?

Um, some of the other things that I see a lot with people are You know, difficulty really owning their sexuality and being authentic. So whether they’re, you know, attracted to people of all genders, or maybe they’re attracted to trans people, uh, maybe there’s some fear there of like, Oh, what if this is, you know, a person that I would want to pursue for a relationship?

What will my family think? Right? So there might be the level of fear there. What would it look like if that was the level of acceptance? instead of the level of fear. It might look like, Hey, this is who I’m attracted to. Cool. That’s fun to be attracted, you know? And then there’s also with the acceptance, maybe the forgiving yourself.

And it’s like, okay, I did have some discomfort with this attraction. And what if it’s, I can forgive myself for that. And now I’m in a place of acceptance and allowing. Let’s see, what other things? So, people might show up with some erectile dysfunction and feel uncomfortable about that. So, oftentimes what’s going on with that is, actually a really strong desire to please their partner and, you know, to the point that it feels like pressure.

So that might, again, be the level of fear where you’re experiencing anxiety, right? Sort of like a performance anxiety type of thing. Um, let’s see, if someone’s feeling pride, that might look more of like the cocky approach. If someone’s at the level of anger, I don’t know that they would be having sex in that moment, but they might that that could be like, uh, maybe you just had a big fight and then you like, angrily, passionately have sex.

Um, but, you know, maybe it’s almost like you’re acting out your anger and the sex. Um, what if that were to look more like courage? That might be getting vulnerable. So instead of like having the angry sex, which, you know, again, if it’s working for you, don’t worry about it. But if it’s not, you know, what would it look like to be courageous?

To me, that’s getting to what is below the anger. What’s that vulnerable part that needs to be acknowledged? And then you have the courage to have that conversation and then you have more connected sex and you’re in more of your self energy feeling connected, right? So that’s basically how this works. Um, What are some of the things you can do to move up the scale of consciousness?

Listening to the podcast, obviously. Um, I’m going to link to some resources. So I think continuing to educate yourself, maybe, you know, check out the letting go book by David Hawkins. Um, check out some of the internal family systems books. There’s a really good one called, you’re the one you’ve been waiting for by Richard Schwartz.

Um, I will link to that in the show notes as well. Um, You know, and I, and I will also share like in my own personal life, one of the things that I have mentioned before on the show is that, you know, when I was in a longer term relationship, there was this idea that, Ooh, I need to make sure we’re having sex so that like everything will be okay.

And I do actually think that came, um, from some of the lower vibration levels too. So I think there was some fear of like, you know, if we’re not having sex enough, that’s bad. And the relationship’s going to fall apart and you know, I’m going to be alone or whatever. And there was maybe also some pride of like, I don’t want, it to look bad, you know, um, that we’re, we’re not having more regular sex or, um, that I don’t have as much of a libido in this relationship right now.

So over time through surrounding myself with sex positive people, which is another thing you can do through attending workshops. Through reading about sexuality, through talking to people that I met along the way, um, through working on my own attachment style, um, through getting more comfortable talking about sex and in having a little bit of courage.

Um, so I do think that is a pivotal turning point. So it’s like if you can get to courage, it’s kind of like you’re over the hump in terms of your level of consciousness. Um, and so now. I would approach that situation so much differently, you know? I would probably hold space more for the other person. I’d probably be more curious, so bring some of the self energy.

Into the experience through curiosity. Um, I would probably connect with myself more and be more honest with myself about what was really working. I would probably have a conversation with my partner, also in more of a gentle, more of a gentle way. So I think there would be more of that level of acceptance, forgiveness, instead of kind of blaming him for not approaching sex the way I wanted or wondering if I was, you know, too difficult to please, or, you know, feeling like we had to have this like perfunctory sex.

What if I had approached it with, More understanding, more compassion for me and him, um, more hopefulness or just willingness to show up, more love, it doesn’t mean like love in the sense of romantic love, but more just like, what if I can love and accept both of us exactly as we are? Right? And so I think that’s what it can look like to move up.

The levels of consciousness, and this was a decade ago for me or more. And so this is not necessarily stuff that, you know, takes place overnight. Like, maybe you’ll have like a profound spiritual awakening like Eckhart Tolle did. Probably not, though. Like 99. 9 percent of us are not going to have that. Um, but, We can just become more aware, we can get support, we can kind of do the work, um, and maybe you have a partner who’s willing to do some of that with you, which would be pretty amazing.

So your homework, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to reflect on where are you at currently? Where are you predominantly at on the scale of consciousness? You know, are you at pride or anger? Are you at desire or are you up at, you know, acceptance or reason or willingness? And what does that look like?

And I would say, find out what is the level one, one level above where you think you’re at and start aiming for that level. So even if you’re like, well, shit, you know, I’m down there at shame. Guilt doesn’t sound too great. So what? Aim for one level above where you’re at once. Then once you’re at guilt, aim for apathy.

Then once you’re at apathy, aim for grief. Right? Because when we try to jump too many levels, it’s almost like a shock to our system. And we don’t really yet have the beliefs to support maintaining that level. And so by just going one rung at a time, it’s easier for our beliefs to kind of catch up with us.

So, I hope that’s helpful for you guys. Um, Again, I love this topic. So reach out to me if you have any questions about it or just kind of want to discuss it more. And I know this was a little longer than usual, but hopefully, uh, it was worth it for you guys.

If you, if you want to try, but you’re a little bit scared, how can you make it more enjoyable for yourself and your partner? And just some things to kind of, you know, look out for in your anal sex journey, if you will. So, all right, let’s start with some of the fears that people have. One of the most common ones that I hear is that it’s going to hurt.

So if you’re the receiver of the anal sex, you might be thinking, you know, You know, I don’t normally put things in my butthole, right? And are things really supposed to go in there? And is this going to feel really uncomfortable? And is this going to feel really painful? Right? And so there might even be some, like, dread of like, Uh, I really, really don’t want to try this.

So that could be on the physical side. On the emotional side, There could also be some fears of, you know, especially if you’re a woman, I would say, um, although certainly none of this is really a gender discussion. It can apply to people of any gender, but you might think, you know, what if I like it? There could even be a fear of liking it.

What will that mean about me? What does that say about me? What kind of person does that make me? And I think you probably know my answer. It doesn’t say anything about you except for that you like animal sex. That’s it. You can still be a good Christian. You can still be a kind person. You can still love animals and volunteer.

It does not say anything. And I guess part of why I wanted to get into that a little bit is, you know, sex has been so Connected to morality and our culture and it’s not a moral issue. It’s not. Um, it’s only a moral issue. If you are violating someone’s consent and like, not being a kind consenting adult person.

Right? So. What you like sexually does not say anything else about you. Alright, moving on from that, um, there might also be a sense of, you know, pressure versus trying to be open minded. It could be that one partner really wants to try anal sex and the other person really doesn’t. Or, if you’ve already been there, done that, one person wants to have anal sex more often than the other person does.

And so, you know, how do you navigate that? So I’m going to start with The people who have not tried anal sex or very limited and what are some ways that they can kind of baby step their way towards that? And I’m going to get into not just anal sex per se, but anal play because they’re very interconnected.

So let’s break it down. If you’re thinking of having anal sex, you’ve never done it before. There’s a little bit of nervousness. There’s a little bit of, you know, fear that there could be some pain. Where do you start? So I’m going to recommend starting with lube. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, but not kidding.

What I would actually say is start with making sure you’re turned on, right? And then relatively relaxed. And so, you know, if we’re nervous and stressed and anticipating something negative like pain, we can often be more tense. Which is going to make it worse. So do whatever relaxes you first. That could be taking a walk outside.

It could be doing some meditation. It could be I think maybe some kind of partner exercise. Maybe you do some tantric breathing where you kind of synchronize your breathing and make eye contact while you’re doing it and You know, something that gets you out of your typical day to day, something that gets you out of your, you know, fight or flight mode and puts you into relax and sexy mode.

So that’s going to be step one. Then the next step is going to be making sure you’re turned on. And this is actually interesting. The more we’re kind of turned on or like thinking sexy thoughts, the higher our pain threshold is. So fascinating, right? But it makes sense because sex is pleasurable, and so it’s kind of this counterbalance to the pain and taking that time, and I want to be like kind of specific here too, it’s time not just for physical foreplay, but for mental foreplay too.

So it could be flirting throughout the day, it could be going and buying some sex toys together, um, which can come in in a later step. It can be, uh, you know, just giving each other compliments or hinting at what’s to come, and flirting, or going out to dinner, or really connecting emotionally. You know, whatever kind of does it for you.

And from there, so now you’re kind of relaxed. Returned on then that’s where the lube comes in and potentially toys come in so The reason you want to, my, my, my philosophy, my mantra, if you will, with anal sex is lube, lube, and more lube. And so, if you remember nothing else from this episode, I hope that you remember that.

So, this can apply to anal toys, like anal beads, or butt plugs, or any other anal toys that you choose to use, and anal sex. If you are putting something into your anus, without lubrication, there’s a really good chance that you could tear something, create an anal fissure, uh, give yourself hemorrhoids, which, you know, then never fully goes away and you’re more likely to get them the rest of your life.

So it’s a whole thing, right? And so even if you’re super turned on and like, I’m ready to go, let’s go. Do not skip these steps. You will regret it. And you’re going to thank me later for this. So, all right. So then you might want to get some toys. And so there’s a few options, right? Like you can try. a butt plug and they make them in different sizes.

So I would say get a body safe material. Um, there’s a really nice brand called Enjoy. I think it’s literally the letter N in the word joy that makes stainless steel ones that have some like weight to them. And you can also experiment with, you know, what sensations do you like? Do you want to feel like there’s some weight to it?

Do you want one that has sort of a metal ball in it that jiggles around and creates a sense of movement? Um, do you want something that You know, gets bigger as you insert it further. Do you want something that, um, vibrates, you know, there’s so many options out there. So I do think some toy shopping can be kind of a fun thing.

Um, and usually people who work at toy stores will be able to advise you properly. Um, And you need to keep in mind too. So when I first went to sex toy stores, I was so uncomfortable. Um, so uncomfortable and kind of like, uh, I don’t want to say anything to anyone. I’m also going to say not all sex toy stores are created equal.

So, Still my favorite one I’ve ever been to are the Pleasure Chest stores, and I’m from Chicago. They also have them in L. A. and New York, uh, working on getting them to sponsor the show, so maybe I can hook you guys up with a discount, but, um, They’re great and their staff is really educated and it’s kind of this like upscale environment a little bit where it doesn’t feel seedy And it doesn’t feel odd being there.

Okay. So anyway, so you’ve got your toys. You’ve got your lube There’s also fingers right now. You can use your finger to kind of stimulate someone anally however, keep in mind that you know Excrement poop is not sanitary Right? And so then if, if you do that, that finger is now contaminated for the rest of your sex session.

And so you have to kind of keep that in mind, like you want to then deal with like stopping what you’re doing, getting up, washing your hand, or just kind of having to remember the whole rest of the time, like not to really touch your partner or yourself with that finger. And I know you’re like, Whoa, Heather, I didn’t know we were going there today, but we are, we’re going there today.

And I’m just saying this because you got to have all the information, right? And like, think about what you’re doing. Um, we don’t want anyone getting any infections or bacterias where they’re not supposed to be. So, so my personal choice for that reason would be toys. Or, you know, maybe put like a condom on your finger or something like that.

Also, Be aware of fingernails. So for these reasons, I’m just like fingers at your own risk, people. That’s kind of how I feel. Um, so you can find a small dildo, something narrow. You want to look for body safe materials. I mentioned the stainless steel. You can also go with like a high quality silicone. Not all silicones are created equal.

And this is also where, um, it’s, it’s good to go to a sex toy store and talk to the person that works there about which brands and which toys. Thanks. They like and know are legit sometimes when we’re buying online, it’s hard to kind of get that level of information. So I would say if you’re, if you’re working on your comfort level, sexually, go, go to a sex toy store.

Just that experience alone could help you feel more comfortable, less stigma, less shame. And for me, part of my journey was going to the pleasure chest and realizing. Damn, like, these people are truly comfortable talking about, you know, the nitty gritty of sex all day long. Like, there’s no shame in their game.

And really, it kind of, um, that example, it really modeled something for me of, like, I can be that free, huh? Like, I can just, like, that’s possible. That’s a possibility. I don’t think it was really, In my realm of possibility before having that experience that someone could be so educated and knowledgeable and comfortable and just like own it and be helpful and like care about other people’s pleasure.

You know, so I think it’s actually a good goal for all of us. All right. So anyways, back to the anal sex. So, so you’re relaxed. You’re aroused. You’ve got your lube. You’ve decided what you’re putting in the butt and then you might want to ramp up. So I would say, I would, this is why I like butt plugs too.

So butt plugs are great because you could just leave it there, right? So you can do other stuff, you know, kind of let your bucket used to something. being in there is a different sensation, right? The other nice thing about butt plugs and you want to look for something that has a, like, I’m going to get this word wrong, flange.

I think the word is flanged, ed, ed, end to it. And that we’re getting so specific today. That’s so your butt doesn’t swallow it basically, um, prevents it from getting sucked all the way up into there, which is a thing that can happen. Um, so be aware of that. And, um, yeah, so you can. Leave it in there for 10 minutes, maybe something like that, and then if you want to go ahead and try anal sex, you’re going to be a little bit more ready for that.

So you can then remove the butt plug. You should still be relaxed, turned on, and now feeling more ready for that sensation. And then you can kind of just go for it. And when I say go for it, I mean, lube, lube, and more lube again, and then I also mean, um, that you want to, uh, control the pace. And if you’re feeling like, ooh, this might be a lot for me, and if you’re, if you’re, Experimenting with anal sex using, you know, a penis that’s really large or a larger dildo.

First of all, if it’s a dildo, I would say don’t start with a large one. Start with a small one. Um, if it’s a penis, you can’t really control the size of your partner’s penis. So it is what it is. Um, but then go slow. And one option that I really, really like for people is that if you’re the receiving partner, have the partner with the dildo or the penis stay still And you control the motion.

So that’s going to really allow you to make sure it’s not too fast, to make sure it’s not too painful. And that would be something to talk to your partner about ahead of time. So plan, talk to each other a little bit, discuss. Um, I also love the idea, and my clients have received this really well too, of almost having like practice sex.

So if you’re going to try something new, take the pressure off, lower the stakes. And so if this is something that’s newer to you, or at least new with this partner, maybe. to kind of say like, Hey, I’m not so sure how this is going to go. Can we just like give it a whirl with no expectations? And if I need to stop after five seconds, we stop and it is what it is.

And then we’ll just cuddle or we’ll just make out or whatever you two decide. Right? Um, so that would be my suggestion for that. Now you might want to, as you get more comfortable, you might want to go faster. I also want to explain, um, you know, sex can feel different with different partners. So just because you tried it with one person, Doesn’t mean, and let’s say you didn’t like it.

Let’s say it’s like, no, I tried it once. Not my thing. Um, I will also add that was my personal experience. I tried it once. I was like, Nope, not for me. Um, And also you, you hear a lot from, I think I had heard a lot from other women that like, oh, it’s kind of painful or it’s uncomfortable. It’s like for men or like, this is something men enjoy or want to explore, but we’re not supposed to enjoy it.

And so I didn’t. Um, however, knowing what I know now, did I follow those steps? No, there’s no way I perfectly follow those steps, right? Um, so know that like, if you haven’t loved it in the past, that doesn’t mean don’t try it again if you’re still curious about it. Because, you know, the thing is, There’s a lot of nerve endings in our butt area in general, but specifically the anus has, there’s a lot of nerve endings, and there’s a lot of potential for pleasure there.

And I think the more we can be open to all parts of our body, bringing pleasure, maybe, maybe I’ll do, um, an episode on our like inner arm one day, who knows, but the idea is why are we limiting ourselves? It’s not about our body. It might feel good to our body. It’s typically about our minds. So notice that too.

What are the thoughts you’re having that are maybe getting in the way? What meaning are you making out of this? Because really on a factual level, it’s completely neutral. It’s like penis or dildo or whatever meets butthole. Okay. If we make that good, if we make that bad, if we make that mean we’re slutty, if we make that mean we’re awesome, if we make that mean we’re like a little kinky and, you know, like to spice things up, that’s all just made up.

Alright, so I hope that that helps you to feel a little bit more comfortable maybe broaching the topic. This would be a great episode to share with your partner if it’s something you’ve been talking about. Um, and then once you get comfortable with anal sex, you can kind of You know, play with it or play with, you know, play, as I mentioned before, maybe you try different toys.

Maybe you try, you know, beads. Maybe you try a larger dildo. Maybe you try pegging your partner, which is when we should do a whole separate episode on that. That’s when somebody that doesn’t have a penis uses a strap on to inly penetrate. Um, someone else, typically someone with a penis, um, and so that’s a whole other way to play with anal sex and, uh, anal pleasure in general.

So don’t be shy, bring up the topic if you’re, if you’ve been anal curious, let’s say, and let me know what you think of this episode. I’d be so curious to hear from you guys. As always, I appreciate your ratings and reviews. We are. Inching our way up. And what I appreciate even more is when you shared the episode, uh, with someone that you wanna play with, or just a friend that you wanna chat with about sexy stuff.

Um, and I wanna thank you guys too for just supporting the show and, you know, getting the word out there. And, and most importantly, I think like being on this journey, like to me, exploring sex is about. Being on a journey where you get more and more comfortable with yourself where you get more and more comfortable with embracing pleasure You get more comfortable talking about sex and being able to have these communication, uh, this communication, these conversations with your partner.

And also just even acknowledge for yourself, like, this is what would be fun for me, right? And the, cause the more we can allow it, the greater freedom we can have, the more pleasure we’re gonna experience. You know, and sometimes we have to do some work to kind of make sure we feel safe and secure and good first.

Right? And that’s even kind of why we do the baby steps with the anal sex and anal play. And I guess I also want to mention with that, you might try some of this and decide, you know what? I think I’m fine with just, you know, a finger in the anus or a small butt plug or a small dildo. And I don’t want to actually have anal sex.

You get to decide wherever it is along the spectrum of anal play or sex or anything for that matter. You know, where’s your sweet spot? What feels good and right for you? And then communicate that to your partner and just kind of own it. So anyways, I hope this was helpful. You guys, um, kind of a fun topic and, uh, let me know what you think.

I’m on Instagram at ask a sex therapist, just like the name of the podcast. Um, and we’ll put some links in the show notes for, uh, any products that, you know, I mentioned that I think could be helpful. Um, and also we do have a free Facebook community. So if you want to kind of discuss the episodes further, you know, find out about other workshops that I’m offering.

I do have some coming up on sexual communication. do a free one on that and then I’m also going to do a free one coming up. So make sure you get on the email list. Um. Which you can do at my website, uh, with one of my prior guests, Chris True, the comedian who did air sex championships. Um, we’re going to be doing a free workshop coming up.

So anyways, thanks you guys for listening as always, and we’ll catch you next Monday. 📍