061: Keeping It Spicy with Sexting Skills
Heather [00:00:00]:
Monogamy. It’s a way to explore non monogamy. So if you are in a relationship and you’ve been monogamous and you’re curious about opening things up, doing that virtually to start, could feel like the right way to dip your toe in and just see what comes up and see what feels fun about it, what feels fulfilling, what’s not fulfilling thing. And discuss with your partner before you move to doing anything in real life with other people.
Heather [00:00:35]:
This is the Ask a sex therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist.
Heather [00:00:54]:
Hello, my loves. I am here today with an episode about sexting. I haven’t covered this topic before, but it’s a fun one, I think, for a lot of reasons. So I’m excited to get into it with you. Basically, what inspired this was the pure app. They have not sponsored this episode, but if anyone at pure would like to sponsor future episodes, please reach out. But it is a fascinating app and actually maybe let me back it up one more step. So before discovering the pure app, I was at a kava bar, which is a thing in St.
Heather [00:01:37]:
Pete, Florida, where I live. And I was there with a couple of friends. One is a gay guy and one’s a bisexual guy. And we were looking at Grindr, and I was like, this is so fascinating. And I had sort of had this jealousy, almost, of how easy it was for men to find sex with other men. Right? And obviously, there’s different dynamics involved. Men don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, for starters. And they could just see all their pictures.
Heather [00:02:15]:
They could see who was nearby, they could see who was just wanting to stay virtual and who was kind of ready to go to meet up and do something sexual. This part I loved, and this is actually not on the peer app, but people would be able to post their STI status. So all those kind of questions or anxieties that you would often have could kind of be answered up front. And then you get to have, like a little portfolio, I guess, of your own pictures, sexy, fully clothed, whatever you wanted to share. And then you could also put the settings to self destruct, so you could send a picture and it self destruct. So if you’re not someone on Grindr, it’s like, oh, wow, this is like a whole fascinating world, right? And I remember thinking, I feel like the world has had sort of this dichotomy of like, well, men are this way and women are this way, and men are sexual and women are not, and men will go for this type of app, and women will not. And I’ve talked to enough women, and I have enough female friends, and I am a woman that I know women are highly sexual people, too. And I’m like, I think a lot of women would go for this.
Heather [00:03:31]:
And actually, I remember seeing if any of you have watched upload on Amazon. It’s a fabulous show. I love that show. But I think it was in the first, um, they had an episode where Nora, one of the main characters, was on an app like that, where it was kind of like a hookup app, and women were using it, too. And I was like, fascinating. Is this sort of the future? Upload takes place in the future, in case you were, you know, just super interesting to ponder these things. So shortly after having this conversation with my guy friends at the Kava bar and looking at Grindr, I stumbled upon the pure app. And I had seen, I think, the pure Instagram account, or maybe someone I followed had tagged them or something.
Heather [00:04:21]:
Like, you know, I’m a sex therapist, and I was curious, and so I was like, okay, I’ll download the app. And I think I just didn’t go in there for a while or something. And so finally, I got in there, and after having this conversation about Grindr, I was like, oh, my gosh. It has a lot of similar features to Grindr, and you can have a photo album, and whatever you send can self destruct, and it prevents any screenshots from being taken. And so there’s some safety precautions kind of built in that I think would make everyone feel a little bit safer being a little bit more free. And the whole vibe of the app, the whole idea is that you just show up and you’re honest about what your desires are. Instead of sort of this, like, let’s do this dance or play the game of some sort of mating ritual or something. It’s like, why don’t we just say what we want? If we just want to send dirty pictures, we’re going to send dirty pictures.
Heather [00:05:22]:
And if we want to date someone in our area who has similar sexual interests, great. There’s the whole spectrum, and it’s all available, too. So, anyway, so that’s kind of what inspired this. And there’s a few reasons why I think sexting is kind of underrated. And actually, let me define sexting before we go any further. So sexting this is my definition, is exchanging sexual messages over text, more or less. Right. So this could be words that are sexual.
Heather [00:05:59]:
This could be pictures that are sexual. This could even be short video clips that are sexual. So you get to decide how far down that rabbit hole you want to go and what your boundaries are. But the idea is that it’s not in person and it’s also not necessarily live, right. So someone might send a sexy message to you, and then 2 hours later you send something back. So it could be live, but it could also be at different times of the day. So lots of interesting uses of sexting that I think we should explore and that you maybe haven’t thought about. So one of them I thought about is it’s a way to explore non monogamy.
Heather [00:06:47]:
So if you are in a relationship and you’ve been monogamous and you’re curious about opening things up, doing that virtually to start, could feel like the right way to dip your toe in and just see what comes up and see what feels fun about it, what feels fulfilling, what’s not fulfilling, and discuss with your partner before you move to doing anything in real life with other people. So that is kind of a cool option that even I hadn’t really thought about too much before. You can also try things out with a partner before doing them in person. So let’s say you want to explore bondage, and it’s not something you’ve done a ton of. Maybe you had some furry handcuffs or something like that, but you’re curious to explore more. What I love about sexting is it’s just sort of this fertile sexual playground, right? It’s just sort of this blank space, and you can put anything there that you want to. And so instead of actually having to buy some rope and learn how to tie it, you can just tell your partner when you’re sexting them. It’s like, okay, I’m tying you up and your hands are over your head, and I’ve bound your wrists together.
Heather [00:08:09]:
Or there’s a four poster bed and I’ve tied you spread eagle on the bed, or there’s ankle cuffs, and I’ve changed the ankle cuffs to the railing and you’re laying on a bench. Whatever it is, it’s like you have to just set the scene. And then, especially if you have good communication, if your partner is like, that one’s not working for me, it’s like, okay, great. No cleanup necessary. You don’t have to go buy anything. It’s like you just get to try it on in your mind, and you get to try on the dynamic of it, the energy of it between the two of you. So I love sexting to be used that way as sort of a try before doing and even see, like, maybe you just really enjoy the sexting about a particular fantasy, and that’s enough. And you realize, okay, we don’t need to try it physically because we’re actually having a great time sexting.
Heather [00:09:06]:
And that is kind of scratching the edge for me. I also love sexting as a way, especially if you love words of affirmation, as a way to get praise and validation. And usually I’m not a big proponent of seeking validation from others, but if it’s part of your existing dynamic, or if you’re like, hey, I’m doing the work to build myself up, too, and maybe this is even part of it is like seeking people who see your beauty. That can be part of your own work, right? And that can help you do your own work. A lot of people will say, we have to love ourselves first. No, there’s no certain order in which it can go. It’s great if you do. But also sometimes really receiving praise, validation, desire, love, whatever it is, from other people, helps us view ourselves that way.
Heather [00:10:03]:
And so I think it’s important to remember that, that it can really go both ways. Also, sexting is great if you’re in a long distance relationship. I spoke with a couple today, and they’re only together about half the time due to their jobs. One of them is often out of town. Sometimes both of them are out of town. And so how do you maintain connection? How do you maintain sexual energy and keep kind of playing with that sexual energy between the two of you? They do have toys these days that have remote controls, and they can be operated by your phone. But I still think that there’s so much value in sexting. It could be a little flirty text.
Heather [00:10:48]:
It could be like, hey, this is what I want to do with you later. Or it could be like, hey, you were kind of bad today. You didn’t get back to me when I thought you would. I’m going to have to give you a spanking. So it could be kind of just like little suggestive flirty things. It could be full blown fantasies. It could just be a reminder. It could be like, oh, I’m wearing a low cut top today.
Heather [00:11:14]:
I’m just going to show you what I’m wearing. So there’s so many ways to play with this and just kind of keep that spiciness alive and then your partner gets to pick the ball up. You’re kind of like, hey, I’m tossing the ball over to you. And then you can see, do they sort of toss the ball back and say something else flirty? And then before you know it, you’re having phone sex or you’re on a video chat, or you’re both touching yourself while sending sexy words to each other. So there’s so many different ways to play with sexual energy. And I think there’s something about sexting that really focuses on that energy. You don’t have to worry about technique. You don’t have to worry about how it feels like, oh, does this feel good to the other person? Am I doing this right? There’s no kind of performance anxiety on that level.
Heather [00:12:08]:
There still might be performance anxiety in terms of, okay, I’m going to say this, and this sounds hot to me, but is my partner going to think it’s hot? I don’t know. Right? And you guys can decide, do we want feedback in the moment about what we think is hot or do we want to just kind of process it afterwards? Either way is fine. Maybe you’re sexting with a stranger and there’s no processing. Which is another reason why I love sexting. Because if you’re just really wanting to be free and more comfortable with your sexuality, I can’t think of many better ways than to find a stranger where you have no attachment to them. Maybe they’re on the other side of the world. That’s another thing about the pure app. It’s very international and I would say it’s more sexting focused than local date focused.
Heather [00:13:01]:
Depending on where you’re at, you can definitely find people in your local area, especially if you’re in a bigger city. But if you’re not and you just want to have this experience where you’re like, I just want to try saying things and see how it feels and see what fantasies do it for me and see what fantasies do these strangers on an app share with me that turn me on and maybe surprise me. Maybe it’s something I didn’t think I was into or maybe certain things that helps me realize I’m not into that. And so it’s just this kind of amazing virtual playground, if you ask me. It could be a great place to practice dirty talk. And if you want some ideas for that, you can also get my free dirty talk infographic to give you a little confidence boost with the dirty talk and sexting. So that’s at my website, Heathershannon, co. Again, that’s Heathershannon Co.
Heather [00:13:58]:
And you’ll just click on the freebies tab so you can practice your dirty talk. You also don’t have to worry about pregnancy or stis, right. Because you’re not actually touching anyone except for yourself if you feel like doing that with the sexting. So, so many amazing options. So now let’s talk a little bit about how to sext, how to keep the sexting fun and spicy. So I would say, first, do some reflecting. What do I want to get out of this? How do I want to feel? Do I want to feel like I am a badass and I’m in charge and I’m like leaning into this sort of alpha or dominant energy or sort of this goddess energy or God energy? Is that what I’m going for? Do I want to have the experience of being submissive and trying that on? Do I want to have sort of a relatively safe way to explore my exhibitionist tendencies or my voyeuristic tendencies on the flip side, right? And so going into this sexting experience, especially if you’re new to it, but even if you’re not, to get clear on what are your boundaries, right. Are you comfortable sending a video clip? Are you comfortable sending a picture? Are you comfortable sending your face? Or do you want to stick to just body pictures? Are you comfortable jumping right into dirty talk? How do you feel if somebody sends you a picture of their genitals? So think about it and be upfront.
Heather [00:15:49]:
I will say a lot of people do send unsolicited dick pics. So I will also say if you do use the pure app to be prepared for that. Usually when they send a picture, it’s grayed out. And so you do get to choose to click on it or not. So that’s kind of cool. So if they send it and you’re like, I don’t know what this picture is. Oftentimes our curiosity can just get the best of us. You can ask them.
Heather [00:16:19]:
So while they may be practicing poor habits around consent and just sending you dick pics without asking, you can ask, hey, I don’t really want any unsolicited dick pics. What is this a picture of before I click on it? And if people do send unsolicited dick pics, you can report them. There’s a little menu in the upper corner, and you can just report unsolicited nudes. So they have it right there as an option. So that’s pretty nice. And then it automatically ends that chat and removes that person. And you won’t be matched with them again. So I think even exploring that, like, what app do you want to do this on? What feels comfortable? What are sort of the safety features? One of my friends, who’s probably a little bit more savvy than me, was also like, yeah, people can’t take screenshots, but what if they have another phone? They could still take a picture of the shot on their phone, and it’s like, oh, my God.
Heather [00:17:12]:
Okay, some people do have two phones. You do have to think about that, right? So don’t assume too much safety. If they have one phone, they can’t screenshot it, and the picture self destructs. Right. So you don’t have too much to worry about there. But even if it’s 10% of the people who have a second phone, and maybe if it’s only 10% of those people that would even go to the lengths there’s a chance. So just be mindful of that, of anything that could get out there. So, yeah, so you’re deciding what you want out of it.
Heather [00:17:43]:
You’re getting clear on your boundaries. And then I would say hone in on a couple of things that are super hot and exciting to you that you just want to explore. Maybe you want to explore the idea of a threesome in fantasy land of sexting. Maybe you want to try out being more submissive or more dominant. So get clear on that. Get clear on. I think the key really is not censoring yourself. And I really tune into internal family system.
Heather [00:18:13]:
So if you’ve listened to my other episodes, you’ll know that we have different parts of who we are. And a lot of us, especially in the area of sexuality, have a part that censors us, and this part means well, right. And I think it comes from family, society, public sex education, church. Right. And so we’ve been told, okay, certain parts of me are bad. These sexual parts are supposed to be hidden. I’m not supposed to lean into this, because I discover these parts with my clients all the time. They’ll kind of be like, oh, I’m just not interested in sex.
Heather [00:18:52]:
And then I find out you are having sexual thoughts, you’re just censoring them, and you’re not sharing them with your partner.
Heather [00:18:59]:
Right.
Heather [00:19:00]:
Because there’s some kind of notion about who should initiate, or there’s some kind of notion that I don’t think I’m supposed to share this. This is just a thought. Right. And so practicing. And I love this, too. I love the idea of having a practice space where the stakes are really low. You’re not getting married to this person if they’re a stranger online. Maybe you’re already married to them.
Heather [00:19:23]:
Cool. But you could still agree that the sexting is going to be a practice space. But to have a practice space lower the stakes. So many of us put so much pressure on ourselves. That’s another part. So we have the censoring part and we have the pressure part. So much pressure to be sexy and the idea that that looks a certain way or sounds a certain way. And so I’m just going to invite you, if you decide to go down this path of sexting at all, to just ask those parts to take a little vacation, you can just imagine Mr.
Heather [00:20:00]:
Censor and Ms. Pressure are just going to go lay in a hammock for a while. They’re going to chill. They’re going to take a dip in the ocean. We don’t really need them right now. Right. And then just let yourself play, let yourself be awkward. Let yourself say things that might not work.
Heather [00:20:18]:
Right. Chances are the person who’s sexting with you is just kind of excited to be sexting with you.
Heather [00:20:25]:
Right.
Heather [00:20:25]:
They’re not going to expect everything to be perfect. And you can have an exchange sexting where someone says something to you and you can tell they’re trying and it’s just not exactly what your fantasy is or what you find hot. And that’s okay. And you can just kind of move on. And you can also practice picking out the parts that you liked about what they said and kind of reinforce that. Like if someone says, yeah, I’m tying you up and then I’m spanking you, or I want to have sex on a balcony, or I want to have a gang bang or something, and you can just kind of notice, okay, what parts sounded hot to you and just mention those.
Heather [00:21:05]:
Right.
Heather [00:21:06]:
So it’s a great way to practice giving feedback. If a certain part is like, oh, that’s like a major turn off, I can’t have fun anymore, then you need to communicate that, too. So it could be like, hey, I kind of have an issue with choking or an issue with whatever it is that feels uncomfortable. Can we not include that? Great. Absolutely. Right. And so it also helps you practice those communication skills, which, again, I think are easier when the stakes are lower. So I hope this was helpful for everybody in fun.
Heather [00:21:38]:
I think this is kind of a fun, light hearted topic because the stakes are lower in a lot of ways. If you have thoughts about sexting, if you have your own tips or ideas, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’ll be happy to share them on Instagram or in my email newsletter because I do think it is a fun way and a creative way to explore that sexual energy. So thank you, everybody, so much for listening again. Go grab that dirty talk guide. It’s at Heathershannon Co. And it’s on freebies tab, so I will catch you guys next Monday. Thanks for listening.
Heather [00:22:19]:
Thank you for listening to the Ask a sex therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my dirty talk guide, a free resource first for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at Heathershannon Co. Dirtytalk. Again, that’s Heathershannon Co. Dirtytalk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.
