Hello, everybody. I am here with a listener Q and A episode today. So we haven’t done one of those in a while. And I was looking through questions that came in and I was like, okay, okay. These will be interesting. So we shall see how that goes. Um, And as usual, I just want to thank you guys for, uh, following the show.

We have some awesome guest episodes pre recorded. So if you’re not already following the show, uh, make sure you do that. We’re going to be talking about some fun touch exercises and sexual communication and all sorts of juicy things. So, um, without further ado, let’s get into the questions. So. I’ve got a bunch here and I’ve shortened some of them because some of them came in really long, but, um, we will, we will get into it.

Okay. Let’s start with this one. Okay. So my 84 year old husband watches online porn frequently. We’ve discussed this and he assured me he loves me and desires me. He has had three closed head injuries as a brittle, which means mostly out of control diabetic and has hypertension.

He’s unable to have an erection despite medication, let alone an orgasm or ejaculation. My question is why? Is he just Needing to feel normal somehow. You know, despite the health problems that have not allowed him to function sexually, he doesn’t masturbate at all while he’s watching the porn and he’s unaware that I know what he’s doing.

I try and be respectful and always announce myself before entering the living room. He sleeps in the living room on a recliner because after a broken neck, he can no longer life flat on a bed. I further don’t wish to embarrass him. However, it bothers me as much as I try and be understanding. Kindly give me some guidance.

So the thing I love about this question is just that it’s so compassionate. You know, um, the, the person writing in is, you know, so compassionate towards, um, their husband’s situation and just that. And has this kind of understanding that I think a lot of us would benefit from is, you know, that we’re respecting that our partner is their own sexual being.

And I think this also gets into, just because somebody has disabilities, doesn’t mean they’re not a sexual person. And I’ve heard a few comments about, Um, people having some negative experiences, uh, with medical professionals where they feel like their sexuality is kind of dismissed and you should just be lucky to be alive and this or that.

And so I really like that this question is kind of like, no, like his sexuality is still part of who he is just because he might not have an erection or, um, an orgasm doesn’t mean he’s not sexual anymore. And so I think that that is really. intelligent. Um, and I, I hear the respect in this question too. So I guess I just first want to say, I think you’re doing great.

So thanks for asking the question, but like, you’re doing great. I think you’re doing way better than average just with the compassion and the respect and understanding that I’m hearing in this question. And you are bringing up a couple of, um, topics that I think are good for people to know. And I talk about this a little bit in the All About Erections episode, which I’ll link to in the show notes.

Um, but the, the diabetes and the hypertension do tend to lead to, um, erectile dysfunction. And so, you know, it’s inflammation in our body. It’s things that affect our blood flow. Huge part of erections is blood flow, you know with his surgeries I don’t know if maybe there’s like nerve damage or anything like that.

I don’t want to speculate too much but But I think that there’s an opportunity here for Being curious and like really Exploring outside of the box right because we kind of think sex is one thing You know, sex is intercourse between a man and a woman and obviously we know that women have sex with each other and men have sex with each other and it’s not all about penis and vagina.

We know that because we’re here talking about it, but there’s still sort of this prescriptive social script that you know, dictates that. And so sometimes when a part of our body is not performing how it used to, we can get discouraged and give up. And I’m also going to give a shout out here to the first sex book, sex therapy book that I ever read, which was sexual intelligence by Dr.

Marty Klein. Um, so I think that would be worth checking out for you. Um, My dear question asker. Um, he talks about how our bodies change and how each decade we need to, you know, reevaluate like what do we want from our sex life? Um, what’s working, what’s not working, how’s our body performing, how’s our schedule different?

And so here, maybe the The script can kind of shift again. What would it look like to explore your sexual energy together? If that’s something that, you know, you’re open to, um, you know, is he having some feelings about, you know, not being able to perform and thinking that, you know, maybe you’re going to find him useless.

And, you know, so communicating that like, what would be a way you would like to connect with him? Um, What would be a way he would like to connect with you? And, um, I don’t want to jump the gun too much, but one of our upcoming episodes is with, um, Dr. Betty Martin. And we talk about, uh, the three minute game where you, you do touch exercises.

So, um, definitely stay tuned for that future episode where we’ll get into that because, you know, intimacy is not limited to genitals. Right. Um, people can also have orgasms in their dreams with no, with no touching. People can have orgasms when they’re awake with no touching. I’m not saying it’s the norm or super common.

I’ve never had one of those while awake, but, um, but it’s possible, right? People can have orgasms from nipple stimulation and not touching genitals. So there’s so many things that are possible, right? Um, people can just enjoy a really sensual touch on their arm and that might feel connective and erotic and intimate to them.

Um, people can enjoy kissing. And so I would really kind of explore what is is possible. What would be fun? Um, you know, if, if you’re open, I would start with that as sort of like, how, how did the two of you want to connect? Um, and I would also just explore like, what about the porn bothers you? Um, I think, I think your, this came up with a client.

Yesterday actually, um, we sometimes have a story, so like when our partner, and I think this happens around porn so much, we’re going to have to do another porn episode, um, where we make meaning out of it. My partner is looking at porn because they’re not attracted to me. because I’m not as good looking as the people in the porn or, um, they don’t think I’m open to doing the things that are their fantasies or, um, there’s, you know, something better about the porn than like real life with me.

And like, they don’t even want to connect with me in that way. And what I have found in my experience, especially working with men who maybe even have compulsive porn use is that a lot of times they really want. That in person connection, they really want to feel accepted. They really want to feel that like unconditional positivity around their sexuality and they might feel like they’re not going to get it.

They might feel like, well, this is just not something we’ve really talked about. They might feel like, well, my partner maybe it’s a little more conservative or I don’t want to make my partner like upset. And so they might withhold for those reasons. And so You can also explore how can we create a safe space to talk about some of this stuff, you know?

And one of the ways that I love to bring things up is the Gottman Institute’s technique called the Soften Startup. And it’s research based and it eliminates 90 percent of fights when you bring something up gently. And so just bringing something up by stating your positive intention or by complimenting your partner can be great.

And And I think the positive intention one really applies here because You do have a positive intention in bringing this up. You want to feel close. You want to feel connected. You want to understand him better. You want to, you know, you didn’t say this directly, but it seems like you’re still wanting to have some kind of sensual or sexual connection.

Um, and so I think stating that, you know, like, Hey, you know, I know we’ve talked about, um, the porn thing before. And I just wanted to circle back to it and see like, how are you feeling about us connecting with each other physically and what can we do? And, you know, does it feel easier with the porn in some way because you don’t have to worry about a partner, you know, sometimes that’s something that people are getting from the porn is just, um, you know, no judgment, no performance anxiety.

Um, and just, you know, just kind of exploring on their own. Um, and sometimes the porn can be a detriment, you know, for sure. It just really depends on the person in the situation. So I always like to recommend starting with let’s just try and understand on a deeper level. So that’s what I would recommend for you.

Check out that sexual intelligence book too. I think that would be super duper helpful. Um, I’ll link to that in the show notes as well. And let’s move on to the other Actually, before we do that, um, I also love that you mentioned that your husband’s 84, you know, I think that we have so many biases and in our country, and also that we sometimes internalize as we get older about like, I’m too old for sex or my body doesn’t perform the way it used to.

Um, and so another book that I love, uh, that addresses this. At one point it’s called Magnificent Sex. Uh, so I’ll link to that one in the show notes too. That’s by Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz and I believe she has a coauthor, but, um, I will link to it for you. So check those out. All right. Um, let’s move on. This one is interesting one.

This woman writes in and says, you know, Ever since day one with her boyfriend, sex has been very odd and different. Certainly not like past relationships in any form. In the beginning, there would be times where she would be on top and he would turn his head and watch TV.

Um, and he doesn’t look at her during sex and she’ll start touching him and kind of let him know that she wants intimacy and he’ll literally lay there and not do anything in return. Um, but he will get hard during that time. And There was times in the beginning when he would literally just wake her up at night and like flip her over to the side to Start being sexual with her And sometimes he’ll get off very quickly in a couple minutes There’s not really a lot of like foreplay, caressing, making out And if he does kind of try and initiate sex during the day, it’s more like kind of silly and childlike.

Um, and she’s trying to discuss, you know, some of this stuff with him before and can’t seem to find, uh, you know, why his behavior is like this or like how to address it. Um, but she knows, like she says, I know he loves me because he does everything for me. So there’s a lot going on here that is kind of interesting from a psychological standpoint.

So I’m glad that you wrote in with this. Um, it sounds like he’s uncomfortable. You know, with sex in some way. So it can be so hard to reconcile, like when we’re a sexual being. And we want sex and we want to connect, but maybe we feel like we’re not supposed to. It could be when we’re brought up in more of a conservative household where sex isn’t talked about.

Um, it could be that we have these ideas again about, you know, performance or, you know, who sex is for or what sex is supposed to be about. Um, It could be, you know, that there’s trauma or shaming or, you know, just sexual stigma that has happened, um, in his life. So we don’t know. And he may or may not be ready to talk about any of that, right?

Um, there could be messaging, uh, around gender roles during sex that, you know, you know, that sex should just be whenever he wants it. And maybe that is about getting off and it’s not as much about intimacy and connecting. Um, so I think exploring all of that could be helpful. I would also say to give him some ways that you would like him to initiate or that you would like him to show up and maybe start small.

Um, and you also kind of have to gauge Is he willing to work on this at all? You know, he might just be like, Hey, this is how I am. Take it or leave it. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to get into it. You know, this seems normal to me. So, so that’s part of it too. And you know, I think it’s great that you’re looking at the total package of all the other things you’re getting out of the relationship as well, but that you’re realizing like, sex matters, you know, my pleasure matters and feeling connected and present matters to me.

So some things you guys could try if he’s open to it would be some, uh, tantric breathing exercises. Um, so one that you can do that, there’s two that we’ll go over that are just really kind of basic is, you know, maybe sit cross legged or sit in chairs facing each other with like your legs, you don’t touching, like your knees are touching.

Um, um, And you place your hand on each other’s hearts. So your hand is on his heart, his hand is on your heart. And you make eye contact. You can kind of, sometimes it’s hard trying to look at both eyes. You can just look at the left eye of the other person. And you inhale at the same time and exhale at the same time.

Inhale at the same time and exhale at the same time. And so it’s just this present kind of interconnected, rhythmic, synchronized breathing. And it’s a really nice way to kind of bring some almost like meditative mindfulness quality Into the room before you become sexual, um, where you are more present and there’s, you know, it starts to feel kind of sensual and connected too, or it can, um, and then the other one you can do is very similar in terms of the position.

So you’re in the same position facing each other, you know, knees, touching hands on the heart, uh, of the other person, and then you can alternate the breathing. So you’re inhaling while he’s exhaling. And then as you exhale, he’s inhaling. And so the breath is still synchronized, but you’re kind of, um, kind of creating a cycle where it’s almost like the air goes into you and then out of you and into him and then into him and then out to you.

So you’re kind of creating this like circle breathing basically. Um, so those can be two nice ways to kind of sync up beforehand. Um, and to just start. Bringing some actual intimacy, um, into the relationship with some small components of physical touch too. And so then you can see, does this carry over into the intimacy at all?

Does, does he seem more present since we started it that way? So that’s an option. And then another option would be to just have some conversations about specifics. So, you know, hey, if you try to have sex with me in the middle of the night, First of all, you can set a boundary with that. You know, you could just say, no, please don’t do that.

I’m sleeping. Leave me alone. Um, or Let’s see with during the day when he kind of initiates immaturely, you can also let him know like Hey, I think I would really like it if you just came up and kissed my neck. You know, if you came up behind me and kissed my neck, um, that would maybe start to feel more sensual or put me in the mood.

Or if you kind of give me a shoulder squeeze and hug me, maybe we just hold each other for longer. Or Or if you play my favorite song and we’re like dancing in the kitchen. So I think that that’s important for people is like when we’re giving feedback and making requests, not just to tell people what they’re doing wrong, but to give them some options, you know, like, Hey, here’s some, Some ways you could do it right.

Here’s some ways that would feel really good to me. Um, so they kind of know where to focus their attention. And that’s important in terms of, you know, law of attraction, because whatever we focus on is what we’re magnifying. Um, so even with this situation, I would encourage you to focus on, okay. As we’re having these discussions, what is he starting to do?

Right? What is starting to feel better? What is starting to feel more connected? What is starting to feel good? And even what you said about, I know he loves me because he does everything for me. It sounds like there is a lot there that feels connected. And so starting to kind of tap in and tune into that, I think could be really interesting as well.

So this person says, all right, so I’m married for 13 years and in the last four to five years, my wife stopped any sexual activity. Um, if we have sex one time a year, that’s a great year. Anyways, I went to an adult theater yesterday to participate in a gangbang set up by the woman.

Um, anyone was invited to have sex with her as long as they used a condom. There was probably 20 guys there waiting their turns. And when I got my chance, I was not fully hard and struggled to enter her. While I was trying to enter her, I came before I even got inside her. Help me. So there’s a lot going on here.

This is, this could be, I’m going to be answering four different questions here, even though it’s not super lengthy. So, step one is, you’re not having any sexual activity with your wife. Um, I’m not hearing that you want to leave her. Uh, I’m wondering if it’s something she’s willing to work on. Um, You know what’s going on.

If there’s a libido issue, one of the places you can start is my free intimacy audit. So if you go to my website, Heather Shannon dot co, um, again, that’s Heather Shannon dot C. O. Uh, there’s gonna be a pop up right there on the home page. It appears after about 10 seconds. Um, and you just put in your name and email and you’ll get, um, my free mini course delivered to your inbox.

And it has video modules on some of the common patterns I see that lead to sort of a dead bedroom or sex feeling like a chore. So we go over libido to see, Hey, is this the issue? What’s going on? We go over, um, initiating and seeing kind of like we talked about with the last question, you know, is that the issue where we’re getting stuck and it’s feeling more like a turn off than a turn on when someone’s trying to initiate.

Um, and then we go over self censorship and look at, you know, It’s when feeling sexual, but for some reason has kind of shut it down or is not expressing it. Um, and you’re just kind of missing each other with, with the sexual connection. So that would be something I would recommend. Um, You know, in terms of the gang bang, it’s so different, right?

Like sex with your wife is so different than a stranger in a room full of people. You know, when I work with clients who are opening up their relationship and exploring like a swinger lifestyle, for example, the, the men often will have more performance issues. And I think this, this relates to confidence and attachment and familiarity, because when it’s a new situation, um, we’re not as sure how we’re going to perform.

We maybe don’t have as much confidence in our body and what’s going to happen. Um, when it’s new people, we might also feel more pressure, like, are they going to judge us? You know, like, Yeah. Is there as much room for mistakes here with this new group of people? And the fact that it’s a group, it’s not just like one person that you maybe will like, disappoint.

Um, so, so yeah, and I sometimes these gangbangs that get posted, you know, in adult theaters. These are things that get posted on PhetLife and stuff. Um, they, uh, are sometimes filmed. So then if you’re like also being filmed, like this is a lot more pressure in a very, very different situation than like having sex with someone you’ve known for many years, that you have a comfort level with, that you maybe have more of a sense of security with, who you know is going to like you, even if your penis doesn’t work perfectly.

Often that actually helps your penis work better, right? Um, And so I would just notice that, like, what were the thoughts in your mind and like what was coming up there? Um, and then the, so that could explain the difficulty, um, getting hard. And then also the premature ejaculation, um, that happens a lot of times when someone’s feeling anxious and insecure, you know?

Um, so yeah, there’s, I’m not hearing anything like, is wrong with you physically from this, I think that there’s a lot happening here emotionally. And like, I would encourage you to get some support, talk to, you know, a sex therapist, if you can. Um, and if anyone’s looking for sex therapy, so, I mean, obviously that’s what I do, but, um, You know, you can also go to asect.

org, uh, and look for someone in your state, especially, you know, I don’t take insurance. So if you’re looking for someone who takes insurance, you can do that. Um, there are a limited number of us who are certified. It’s only like a thousand people in the whole country. And so if you’re in a state where there aren’t a ton, you know, that’s part of why I work as a coach.

So I can work with people located in any state. Um, But, but look for some support, right? And then there’s a lot of people out there who aren’t certified, but maybe they have a coaching certification in sexuality, plus they’re a licensed therapist. So you can look for people like that on psychology today.

Um, and feel free to reach out to me too. Like I’m happy to help you guys find someone who is a good fit. Um, Because there does need to be more safe spaces to, to talk about sexuality and to get some support when you’re in tough situations where it’s like, maybe you don’t want to leave your marriage, but you’re trying to be sexual, but then you’re having performance issues.

And you know, it’s, it’s a lot to manage on your own. So. Anyways, um, I hope this was helpful. Um, we will get some more of the questions in our next listener Q and A, so make sure you’re following the show. Um, these are always fun to do. Please feel free to send in your questions. So, um, you can message me on my website.

We’ll put the link to that in the show notes too. Um, and, um, I’ll see you I have an anonymous ask a sex question page on my website, and so I can’t reply to you. I can’t ask further questions, so that’s why I do encourage you to put more detail rather than less detail. Um, if you want to put your contact info in the body of the message in case I do have follow up questions, um, you’re welcome to do that.

But it’s totally anonymous. Like, if you don’t, I have no way to contact you. Um, and then the other new feature we have that I would, uh, love to have some of you guys ask questions on audio. So if you go to the Heather Shannon, um, dot co. forward slash podcast page. Um, we have a little button on the right side of the page where you can send a voicemail, um, just, you know, using your computer microphone or whatever, or your phone, if you’re on your phone, um, and then your voice gets sent.

To be featured on the podcast, which would be super fun. So, and you can put an anonymous name. You don’t have to put like your real name. Um, you do have to put, I think, an email address for that one. So, uh, so yeah, so you guys, I’m here asking me your questions. I love to do these episodes a little bit more often than we have been doing them.

Um, and that’s it. If you need some help, reach out. My email address is also in the show notes and I love hearing from you guys. So have a great week and we’ll catch you next Monday.

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And, you know, I almost. name of this podcast, you know, sex, sex and consciousness, um, or something along those lines. Because I think that exploring consciousness is something I’m passionate about. This idea of sort of awakening from not being fully aware and from going from, you know, everything that’s handed to us, we just kind of accepted or we’re not questioning things to really realizing like our power as individuals and knowing that we can make conscious choices.

Um, and create what we want to create for ourselves and in the world and in our sex lives. So that’s what we’re going to get into. So we’re going to get into today. Um, before we get into it though, a couple of things I wanted to mention. So, um, for the last handful of episodes, I have been putting two or three related episode links in the show notes.

So whether you’re new or not, if you’re kind of like, Ooh, I really like this episode. I want more like that. Go to the show notes and you’ll get recommendations that will, you know, be episodes that have a similar vibe. So, um, for this episode, I’m linking back to episode 10. Where I talked about the sexual placebo effect and law of attraction, episode 16, uh, healing through seduction with Pearl Noir, where we incorporate some kind of spiritual concepts and spiritual growth and healing.

And then episode 28, um, where we talked about BDSM play parties and queer sexuality with Cassiana Boom, where we get into also a lot of like questioning norms and being conscious and going after what you want and being intentional, um, and all of that. So if you are looking for more amazing episodes, you’ll find those there.

You can also find them on my website. We’ll have all of the links and notes for each episode there. So for this episode, episode number 35, it’s going to be Heather Shannon, excuse me, heathershannon. co forward slash E 35 and it will be like that for every episode. So again, heathershannon. co forward slash E 35 and you will find all of the links that you could ever want.

All right. And then for the review of the week, um, this one says such a great find. This podcast is fantastic. The host builds such a great rapport with her clients. Uh, I think this is about the episode where I coached Vanessa. Um, and I love that we get to hear how these sessions go. It kind of takes the fear out of finding a therapist for the intimate moments in life.

Love, love, love this podcast. Thank you very much for the review and I wanted to use this to point out that, yeah, it’s okay to go to sex therapy, right? It’s okay to have a sex coach. Um, it doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you. Um, basically what it means is you’re on this consciousness journey. You’re kind of like, wait a second.

All of these things that I’ve been handed about how relationships are supposed to be, how sex is supposed to be, um, are not factual, are not accurate. I mean, some of it probably is, right? But maybe they’re not serving you in terms of what you’re wanting to create with your sex life. And you’re like, Hey, there’s gotta be another way.

And there is. And you know where to find me, right? So instead of looking at it like, Oh, is something wrong with me? You look at it like, Wow, I am like taking action in my life to create what I want to create and to get the education and information that I deserved back in the day that I didn’t get, um, but now I have access to, so, um, that’s why I wanted to share that one.

Alright, so we’re going to start by getting into the Hawkins Scale of Consciousness. So, I first came across this. Uh, actually when I got sick in Puerto Rico last year and was really having a hard time and a health coach recommended this book to me after talking to me a little bit. And it’s about levels of consciousness and, you know, emotional states and, you know, our perspective.

Really, that’s how you can think of a level of consciousness is what is your perspective on the world? Right? Because you might have a hundred people who experience the same thing. In a day, um, and actually the, the letting go book by David Hawkins talks about someone getting in like a fender bender in a parking lot, I think.

And he goes through, you know, Hey, if you’re at this level of consciousness, here’s how you react to that. If you’re at more of a, you know, medium one or a high one or low one, here’s how you’re going to react to that. And it’s fascinating because I think our human minds can get so stuck and mine too, right?

On, you know, Like, Oh, I got a new client or my podcast is doing well today. Today’s a good day. Or, you know, I didn’t hear back from that client or, you know, I was trying to network with someone and they missed our meeting. Like, Oh, today’s not a good day. Right. And we can become so conditional on our circumstances.

And so what I love about this level of consciousness is that it’s something that is at least somewhat in our control that we can be. intentional about and choose to be on a growth path with that. Um, I just think that’s so much more empowering and it’s so much more focused on, you know, what is it that we can control versus our circumstances, which actually only account for about 10 percent of our happiness.

Isn’t that fascinating? It’s not that they count for zero. Like certain circumstances or situations might make it easier to have better feeling thoughts or easier to have a good perspective, but still they actually only account for 10%. of our happiness, which I think is fascinating. So doing this kind of work on your own perspective is going to account for much more.

And the other piece is our health, right? And it’s interesting that I kind of found the scale of consciousness due to health issues. And you know, there’s just such an interplay between our thoughts. In our physical state. So when my physical state was really suffering, it was hard. It was really hard to have good thoughts.

You know, it’s like I was struggling to eat. I was struggling to breathe well. And then at the same time, I knew I kind of had to improve my thoughts to help improve my physical state. And so I think that those two pieces together, sort of like, you know, genetics, epigenetics, wellness, thoughts, perspective.

That’s the other 90 percent of what makes up our happiness. Um, so we’re going to get into that. We’re going to get into some qualities of self energy, and then we’re going to talk about what does it look like to become more conscious. And um, You know, kind of embody our own internal higher consciousness when it comes to our intimate lives.

Right? And I feel like this could be a long episode. I’m just going to say that now. Um, and then I, cause I do want to also share my own personal experience with, you know, how did I used to approach sex and like, what kind of level of consciousness was that at versus how do I look at things now? And hopefully I’ll keep evolving.

Right? I don’t think I’m definitely not done evolving. So let’s get into the Hawkins scale of consciousness. So I’m going to start by just kind of going through this chart, like a map of consciousness. I will share the chart in the show notes. So don’t forget that. And, um, we’ll kind of go through it somewhat quickly.

And so the list is numerical. So when David Hawkins created this, It’s a 0 through 1000 scale. Okay. And so I’m going to let, you know, the point value. So 0 means, like, very low vibration. 0 is like dead. Like, you’re not even alive. Right? Um, higher vibration means like, you are just vital and vibrant and full of life.

Really? Okay. So we’re going to go through the name of the level. The number associated with it. What is sort of the predominant emotional state? Um, what is sort of your view on life? Um, and any other sort of details that I might add.

All right. So the bottom level is shame. So shame is at a level of 20 and I think we all kind of know what shame is. It’s kind of like. almost feeling embarrassed about our existence. And I, and I want to make one distinction before we go too far in this. There’s a difference between experiencing the emotion of shame occasionally versus being like, that’s the state that you like live in.

And that’s your perspective on the world. So as I’m going through these, what, what I’m saying is this is the perspective on the world. So if you’re like, I experienced shame sometimes, does that mean I’m at the lowest level? No, you probably experienced many of these. What you want to kind of pay attention to is.

What is your predominant perspective on the world? And be curious about what would it look like if your predominant perspective moved up a level. Okay, so the next level after shame, where you’re kind of just embarrassed almost about your existence and just feeling so like you’re just awful, is guilt. We can see you’re still not feeling great about yourself.

So any level under 200 is kind of, you’re kind of stuck in this survival, you know, world. That’s, that’s your perspective. It’s like, just trying to get by. Most people are under 200, right? I think when this was originally created, David Hawkins said about 85 percent of people, um, are below 200. But the really interesting thing is even if you’re just, I think what I had just read was even if you’re at a level of like, 300.

You’re counterbalancing 90, 000 people who are like below the 200 level. Isn’t that wild? So sometimes we look at the world and we think, oh, well, you know, most people suck or, you know, women suck or men suck, or there’s so many terrible things happening in the world. But I find this to be super, super hopeful and empowering because it’s like, if you can just do the work of moving up the scale, you become so magnetic.

You become. Um, You’re like radiating. That’s how I think of it. It’s like radiating out this like good energy that benefits everyone that you come into contact with, which is just beautiful. I think so. Okay. So don’t get too discouraged while we’re going through the lower levels. That’s, that was my point with that.

Okay, so guilt is the next one that’s at a level of 30, you know, and that’s obviously where you just kind of keep thinking like, Oh, did I do something wrong or did I hurt someone’s feelings? Or, you know, there’s maybe a little questioning of yourself or even just assuming like, I am just guilty. I’m wrong.

Right? Next level we have is apathy. Apathy is at a level of 50. And so apathy. There tends to be almost like a, like a learned helplessness. Um, maybe you had tried in the past and you just feel kind of like defeated and there’s sort of a giving up hope. Right. So there’s just kind of a, I don’t know, like, does anything even matter?

And like, what’s the point? And things like that. So maybe some despair. Okay. So the next level we’re going to look at is grief. That is at a 75 on the zero through a thousand scale. So grief is going to be, and again, this is if it’s your predominant state. Typically, when I think of grief, I think of, You know, someone died, you lost your job, you, um, realized you had been miserable for a year just because you hadn’t forgiven yourself and then you finally forgive yourself and there’s like this grief over all those years that have been lost.

So it doesn’t mean that that’s not healthier. We don’t want to ever feel that. But what it does mean is if that’s your predominant way of being, you know, it’s pretty depressing. So I almost think of this level as like depressed. Um, if you’re. consistently, almost constantly in a state of grief. So there’s sort of this tragic feeling along with it.

Okay, so then moving up from grief, we have fear. So the level of fear is a 100. You probably feel pretty anxious. So I actually think of anxious as being fear. A lot of times we think of them as separate, but when we’re anxious, we’re worried because we’re like fear that something bad is going to happen, typically.

Right. And so seeing that connection, I think, can be really helpful too. Um, and so it could be anything. It could be, you know, I’m afraid I’m not going to have money to pay my bills. I’m afraid that people won’t like me. I’m afraid that I’m going to say something stupid. You know, I’m afraid of being alone forever.

I’m afraid of never having really good sex. Um, so whatever the fear is, Again, if you’re just having a passing fear, that doesn’t mean this is your state of being. But when this is your predominant perspective, this is kind of how most of your day goes, right? And so to just notice that if that’s the case.

So as I’m going through these, notice, okay, we’ve probably all experienced shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, right? But where do you tend to live? Where are you like, I probably spend at least 50 percent of my time there. Um, so notice that. All right. So next we have a desire. So this one, I think they all need copy outs, right?

So desire, there’s a difference between just wanting something like a goal. Like, Hey, like, I want to complete a marathon. Cool. Well, That’s different than like an addiction or a craving or just like really jonesing for something like there’s this neediness. Like, I’m not okay without this thing. There’s a sense of scarcity.

Like, I have to make sure my needs are met because, you know, a lot of times they aren’t or I’m not going to be okay. So that’s more of that desire level. So that desire is 125. That’s the level of frequency. Okay, so the next we have anger, and anger I do think is kind of a pivotal one because you go from such a low energy vibration, where it’s kind of hard to take action.

It’s a little bit more paralyzing. Okay? To Anger. Taking action. So when we think about big movements or changes that have happened politically, right, if we look back to Black Lives Matter, if we look back to, you know, women being able to vote, it’s like, first, people had to get pissed off. People had to be like, this is not okay.

Right? And so again, the important part is, we don’t want to live in anger. We don’t want to stay there forever, but we can appreciate it as a catalyst. Right? And so that’s kind of the distinction here, too. And you want to notice, do you live in anger? Is it like, you know, this person sucks, this person wronged me, this group of people is awful, you know, I hate these people.

Um, where there’s sort of this, uh, almost like revenge or, you know, aggression, um, coming from sort of an unhealed place. Again, doesn’t mean we don’t want to experience anger, but we don’t really want to live there permanently. Okay? So then the next level, and the last one that’s below the 200 level where we’re kind of almost trending downward or trying to like force things to happen in our lives, is pride.

So pride is more like, I know what’s right. And other people don’t know what’s right. Um, almost like a little bit of, you know, yeah. Inflating yourself and looking down on other people a bit. Um. It’s like, I’ve got it figured out.

And if only they knew, it’s kind of like self righteous really is how I would look at it. So that’s an 175 calibration. And so then we’re going to move up to courage. So courage is 200. So courage is the tipping point where we start to then gain more positive momentum, moving up the scale of consciousness.

And so anything over 200, remember, we’re You’re canceling out potentially like thousands of people who are below 200 level. And I think it was like, if somebody hit the level of love or enlightenment or something, they’re canceling out. Like, I mean, not canceling out. We’re not like canceling people, but, you know, counterbalancing, you know, millions or even a billion people.

So yeah, so it’s kind of cool. So courage is where you kind of get to a place where it’s like, huh, I can do some things. Maybe there’s some fear there, but I’m at a level now where, like, I can face that. I can believe in myself enough to go forward anyways. And so it’s empowering. And like, once you get to that level, it’s like, Ooh, let’s see what could happen.

Right. Let’s see what could happen in your sex life when you get to that level. That might be the level in your sex life where, you know, you’re ready to have some difficult conversations. Right. Um, yeah. And to kind of be like, I don’t know how this is going to go, but I know I need to do this for myself.

Uh, the next level is neutrality. And it’s interesting to think that neutrality is actually. In the positive range, right? And I think that, I think that’s fascinating, but it’s kind of like lack of resistance a little bit. Um, there’s more of a sense of trusting, um, that things will be okay. Um, yeah, you’re not, you’re not ecstatic, right?

You’re not bouncing off the walls. But there’s, it’s like satisfactory, right? So that’s neutrality. Then we have willingness. So willingness is at a level of 310. So at this level, you’re balancing out those 90, 000 people under 200 just by being willing. I think that’s amazing. So willingness, also, if we apply that to sex, um, what does that mean?

Maybe it’s like, Hey, my partner has been mentioning something for a while. I’m willing to try it. Right? There’s a sense of optimism, like, you know, I don’t know how this is going to go, but I think we’re going to figure it out one way or another. So it doesn’t have to be like an unrealistic, naive optimism, but it can kind of be just like a belief that like, you know, we can handle it.

Like I’m hopeful, like something, something good is probably going to happen. Um, and so you’re able to be more intentional because you have that willingness to show up. So the next. We have the level of acceptance. So acceptance is, uh, at 350 and with acceptance, again, you maybe have even a higher level of non resistance.

And really, I think the definition of enlightenment is like. zero resistance. And so with acceptance, you’re not trying to change your partner. You’re not really trying to change yourself. And with that, sometimes there might have to be some feeling of feelings like, wow, if I really don’t change or I don’t try and change someone else, I have to forgive myself.

I have to have compassion for myself. I have to have compassion for this other person. And so there’s a level of grace that comes with acceptance. Because you have to keep in mind, even as we’re moving up these levels, you’re still very human, right? I sometimes used to have the idea that like, you know, I’m just gonna be a little Buddha and like, I won’t be susceptible to all these like, human failings.

No, you still are. Even if you’re like, moving up this. Um, give an example of someone who had become enlightened and still smoke cigarettes. And I was like, what, that’s crazy to me, but fascinating. So, um, yeah, so just realizing though, that like, it’s not going to be perfect, but you might have a little bit more grace, more compassion.

All right. So then the next level. And I was a little surprised by this one is reason. So it’s kind of like logic, rationality is a level of 400. And so when I think of this and some of the benefits of this level, when it comes to, you know, intimate relationships, this might look like not, um, not taking things too personally, not making decisions from a place of emotional reactivity, but really just being able to look at like, okay, what’s here and what can we do with what’s here?

Um, And so there’s like a wisdom, there’s a wisdom in that. It’s not, I don’t think of it, you know, I think this is maybe why this level surprised me. It’s not this sort of cold, detached rationality. It’s really more of this like. understanding and, um, you know, wisdom and, you know, removing some of that, like, maybe you don’t get triggered as much.

Right. So instead of sort of like, Oh, I’m triggered. And, you know, I’m, things are escalating with my partner and, you know, we’re being defensive and whatever. It’s just kind of like, Oh, okay. This is how you’re feeling. Cool. You know, let’s work with it. All right, so then the next level is love, and I think it’s interesting.

They don’t have love as being the highest on this scale. I also want to mention that you might look at other scales and they might have like different words, but like, the gist is the same. So let’s keep that in mind. Um, so love is at a level of 500. And I’ve also heard love defined as appreciation, and I think for those of us who maybe struggle with the word love, or like, oh, I don’t want to say it, or like, what’s it going to mean?

Like, it can be so loaded sometimes. Like, what if you just looked at it as like a deep appreciation? I think that can really help. Help with that. So anyways, so this level of love again, keep in mind with both the lower levels and the higher levels. This means this is your predominant like modus operandi.

Like this is your perspective on the world in general. And so if you’re on a level of love, that means you love everybody, right? That means you love Donald Trump and Joe Biden. That means you love your partner on their good days and their bad days. That means you love yourself when you like quote unquote screw something up.

You know, or when you have a great achievement, you know, it’s just this idea of like, this is how you exist. Now. This is who you are. This is how you show up in the world. You are love. All right. So then the next level we have is joy, and this is 540 on the zero to a thousand scale. And so there’s this idea of like bliss.

I think of joy as being kind of bliss, right? Joy, it’s like there’s this revelry, there’s this, um, and you can kind of tell, like, if you look at that lower level we were at with, like, grief, apathy, guilt, shame versus joy, you can sense that, like, increased energy, sort of this, like, low energy of, like, I’m just barely functioning to, like, you’re vibrating with joy.

Right? It’s like you see and appreciate even more deeply like nature and maybe you feel, you know, listen to music or dance and feel joy and maybe you meet new people and you feel joy at connecting. This becomes your predominant state, right? So there’s, and I also want to be clear, there are not, not many people at this level.

And it’s like, if 85 percent are below 200, now we’re up at, you know, Okay. 540, not a ton of people that like exist on this level, um, on a day to day basis, but it’s good to know it’s possible, right? And so when I think of Eckhart Tolle, I think he’s, you know, somewhere up here in, in these high ranges, um, you can tell there’s really no resistance.

Like he found out he had cancer earlier this year and was like, okay, or last year it was, um, He had, he felt very present. Like that was his reaction. There was no sort of like, oh, this is bad or, oh, this is going to mean all these difficult things. It was just presence, which is wild to me. Um, so next we have a level of peace, um, and that is a 600 and it’s, it’s sort of like, yeah, everything is one.

Everything is perfect. And actually Eckhart totally describes this in his power of now book when he. Had an awakening. There was a sense that like, traffic is perfect. People yelling at each other is perfect. You know, and it can be, I think it can be so hard for those of us who are not yet enlightened, um, to conceptualize that, but that’s what that level is.

And then, um, on this map of consciousness, uh, enlightenment is defined as anywhere between a 700 and a 1000 and that means just pure consciousness. Right? It’s kind of like being one with source energy. So I hope, I hope this is helpful, um, to kind of understand these things. And I also wanted to mention some of the qualities of self energy.

This is sort of another way that we can kind of view our consciousness in general and, and how we want to approach our intimate relationships. So some of the qualities of self energy, uh, there’s actually the eight C’s of self energy, um, according to internal family systems. And excuse me, so I’m going to read them off to you and then we’ll get into them a little bit.

So confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness. And so the idea is you don’t need someone else to quote unquote make you feel this way. I think that’s one of the main issues that we get into in relationships is outsourcing Transcribed You know, our confidence, outsourcing, feeling connected, even outsourcing, you know, our energy to do things.

Like, oh, if someone else was here, if someone else could help me with this, then I could do these things and be courageous. Right? But the idea is, this is actually who you really are. Your self energy is your, you know, deeper essence. You know, you can think of it as like spirit, source energy, soul, whatever word kind of resonates with you, your inner divine spark, you know, whatever language you want to use.

But what would it also look like to bring these qualities? To your sex life, right? What if you were really curious? What if you didn’t really think you had it figured out, but you also still felt confident, you know? What if there was a sense of like playful creativity? What if there was just sort of clarity?

I’m like what to do next, right? And so I think it’s really kind of wild because it’s not I think Where we generally exist, but to have this goal of being able to access self energy more and to have your self energy running the show, so to speak. So, instead of parts that might feel guilty, fearful, you know, apathetic, some of those lower vibrations, um, sometimes those, Parts, which I think of the parts as being more of our ego and the self as being more of our higher consciousness.

So the more we can kind of work with the parts, work with the ego, rather than trying to banish it or thinking it’s bad, the more that the self-energy or higher consciousness can be running the show. So hopefully that makes sense to you guys. So what does it look like to move up the scale of consciousness or to incorporate more self energy when it comes to sex?

So some of the things that I see with people. You know, people show up with a lot of ego when it comes to sex. It’s almost like, Ooh, this feels vulnerable. So like, let’s bring along a few of my defense mechanisms. And that might look like, you know, bragging about sex. That might look like, um, you know, Oh, well, I, you know, I have a huge dick or, you know, I am so good at oral or like, Oh my God, you have the best blowjobs.

Just you wait. Right. And it’s like, what if we don’t have to do that? And your partner might like that. And if whatever, if that’s something you’re partnering, you are like into and it’s working for you. Great. But in general, just notice where it’s coming from. So again, you might say the same thing, but if it’s coming from a place of insecurity.

That’s not going to really be serving you if it’s coming from a place of like playfulness or like, you know, Hey, I know my partner likes it when I, you know, I’m just kind of like cocky with sex. That’s different, right? So notice where it’s coming from, be curious about it. But so that’s one thing that I notice with people that tends not to work.

There’s also then sometimes a shutdown of communication. So with that instead of embracing courage, it’s kind of like, Ooh, I have to pretend like I know what I’m doing. I’m supposed to just have this all figured out, right? And so that might be coming from a lower vibration emotion. Whereas when we’re embodying self energy and we are coming from a place of confidence, we maybe don’t have to do that, right?

Um, some of the other things that I see a lot with people are You know, difficulty really owning their sexuality and being authentic. So whether they’re, you know, attracted to people of all genders, or maybe they’re attracted to trans people, uh, maybe there’s some fear there of like, Oh, what if this is, you know, a person that I would want to pursue for a relationship?

What will my family think? Right? So there might be the level of fear there. What would it look like if that was the level of acceptance? instead of the level of fear. It might look like, Hey, this is who I’m attracted to. Cool. That’s fun to be attracted, you know? And then there’s also with the acceptance, maybe the forgiving yourself.

And it’s like, okay, I did have some discomfort with this attraction. And what if it’s, I can forgive myself for that. And now I’m in a place of acceptance and allowing. Let’s see, what other things? So, people might show up with some erectile dysfunction and feel uncomfortable about that. So, oftentimes what’s going on with that is, actually a really strong desire to please their partner and, you know, to the point that it feels like pressure.

So that might, again, be the level of fear where you’re experiencing anxiety, right? Sort of like a performance anxiety type of thing. Um, let’s see, if someone’s feeling pride, that might look more of like the cocky approach. If someone’s at the level of anger, I don’t know that they would be having sex in that moment, but they might that that could be like, uh, maybe you just had a big fight and then you like, angrily, passionately have sex.

Um, but, you know, maybe it’s almost like you’re acting out your anger and the sex. Um, what if that were to look more like courage? That might be getting vulnerable. So instead of like having the angry sex, which, you know, again, if it’s working for you, don’t worry about it. But if it’s not, you know, what would it look like to be courageous?

To me, that’s getting to what is below the anger. What’s that vulnerable part that needs to be acknowledged? And then you have the courage to have that conversation and then you have more connected sex and you’re in more of your self energy feeling connected, right? So that’s basically how this works. Um, What are some of the things you can do to move up the scale of consciousness?

Listening to the podcast, obviously. Um, I’m going to link to some resources. So I think continuing to educate yourself, maybe, you know, check out the letting go book by David Hawkins. Um, check out some of the internal family systems books. There’s a really good one called, you’re the one you’ve been waiting for by Richard Schwartz.

Um, I will link to that in the show notes as well. Um, You know, and I, and I will also share like in my own personal life, one of the things that I have mentioned before on the show is that, you know, when I was in a longer term relationship, there was this idea that, Ooh, I need to make sure we’re having sex so that like everything will be okay.

And I do actually think that came, um, from some of the lower vibration levels too. So I think there was some fear of like, you know, if we’re not having sex enough, that’s bad. And the relationship’s going to fall apart and you know, I’m going to be alone or whatever. And there was maybe also some pride of like, I don’t want, it to look bad, you know, um, that we’re, we’re not having more regular sex or, um, that I don’t have as much of a libido in this relationship right now.

So over time through surrounding myself with sex positive people, which is another thing you can do through attending workshops. Through reading about sexuality, through talking to people that I met along the way, um, through working on my own attachment style, um, through getting more comfortable talking about sex and in having a little bit of courage.

Um, so I do think that is a pivotal turning point. So it’s like if you can get to courage, it’s kind of like you’re over the hump in terms of your level of consciousness. Um, and so now. I would approach that situation so much differently, you know? I would probably hold space more for the other person. I’d probably be more curious, so bring some of the self energy.

Into the experience through curiosity. Um, I would probably connect with myself more and be more honest with myself about what was really working. I would probably have a conversation with my partner, also in more of a gentle, more of a gentle way. So I think there would be more of that level of acceptance, forgiveness, instead of kind of blaming him for not approaching sex the way I wanted or wondering if I was, you know, too difficult to please, or, you know, feeling like we had to have this like perfunctory sex.

What if I had approached it with, More understanding, more compassion for me and him, um, more hopefulness or just willingness to show up, more love, it doesn’t mean like love in the sense of romantic love, but more just like, what if I can love and accept both of us exactly as we are? Right? And so I think that’s what it can look like to move up.

The levels of consciousness, and this was a decade ago for me or more. And so this is not necessarily stuff that, you know, takes place overnight. Like, maybe you’ll have like a profound spiritual awakening like Eckhart Tolle did. Probably not, though. Like 99. 9 percent of us are not going to have that. Um, but, We can just become more aware, we can get support, we can kind of do the work, um, and maybe you have a partner who’s willing to do some of that with you, which would be pretty amazing.

So your homework, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to reflect on where are you at currently? Where are you predominantly at on the scale of consciousness? You know, are you at pride or anger? Are you at desire or are you up at, you know, acceptance or reason or willingness? And what does that look like?

And I would say, find out what is the level one, one level above where you think you’re at and start aiming for that level. So even if you’re like, well, shit, you know, I’m down there at shame. Guilt doesn’t sound too great. So what? Aim for one level above where you’re at once. Then once you’re at guilt, aim for apathy.

Then once you’re at apathy, aim for grief. Right? Because when we try to jump too many levels, it’s almost like a shock to our system. And we don’t really yet have the beliefs to support maintaining that level. And so by just going one rung at a time, it’s easier for our beliefs to kind of catch up with us.

So, I hope that’s helpful for you guys. Um, Again, I love this topic. So reach out to me if you have any questions about it or just kind of want to discuss it more. And I know this was a little longer than usual, but hopefully, uh, it was worth it for you guys.

If you, if you want to try, but you’re a little bit scared, how can you make it more enjoyable for yourself and your partner? And just some things to kind of, you know, look out for in your anal sex journey, if you will. So, all right, let’s start with some of the fears that people have. One of the most common ones that I hear is that it’s going to hurt.

So if you’re the receiver of the anal sex, you might be thinking, you know, You know, I don’t normally put things in my butthole, right? And are things really supposed to go in there? And is this going to feel really uncomfortable? And is this going to feel really painful? Right? And so there might even be some, like, dread of like, Uh, I really, really don’t want to try this.

So that could be on the physical side. On the emotional side, There could also be some fears of, you know, especially if you’re a woman, I would say, um, although certainly none of this is really a gender discussion. It can apply to people of any gender, but you might think, you know, what if I like it? There could even be a fear of liking it.

What will that mean about me? What does that say about me? What kind of person does that make me? And I think you probably know my answer. It doesn’t say anything about you except for that you like animal sex. That’s it. You can still be a good Christian. You can still be a kind person. You can still love animals and volunteer.

It does not say anything. And I guess part of why I wanted to get into that a little bit is, you know, sex has been so Connected to morality and our culture and it’s not a moral issue. It’s not. Um, it’s only a moral issue. If you are violating someone’s consent and like, not being a kind consenting adult person.

Right? So. What you like sexually does not say anything else about you. Alright, moving on from that, um, there might also be a sense of, you know, pressure versus trying to be open minded. It could be that one partner really wants to try anal sex and the other person really doesn’t. Or, if you’ve already been there, done that, one person wants to have anal sex more often than the other person does.

And so, you know, how do you navigate that? So I’m going to start with The people who have not tried anal sex or very limited and what are some ways that they can kind of baby step their way towards that? And I’m going to get into not just anal sex per se, but anal play because they’re very interconnected.

So let’s break it down. If you’re thinking of having anal sex, you’ve never done it before. There’s a little bit of nervousness. There’s a little bit of, you know, fear that there could be some pain. Where do you start? So I’m going to recommend starting with lube. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding, but not kidding.

What I would actually say is start with making sure you’re turned on, right? And then relatively relaxed. And so, you know, if we’re nervous and stressed and anticipating something negative like pain, we can often be more tense. Which is going to make it worse. So do whatever relaxes you first. That could be taking a walk outside.

It could be doing some meditation. It could be I think maybe some kind of partner exercise. Maybe you do some tantric breathing where you kind of synchronize your breathing and make eye contact while you’re doing it and You know, something that gets you out of your typical day to day, something that gets you out of your, you know, fight or flight mode and puts you into relax and sexy mode.

So that’s going to be step one. Then the next step is going to be making sure you’re turned on. And this is actually interesting. The more we’re kind of turned on or like thinking sexy thoughts, the higher our pain threshold is. So fascinating, right? But it makes sense because sex is pleasurable, and so it’s kind of this counterbalance to the pain and taking that time, and I want to be like kind of specific here too, it’s time not just for physical foreplay, but for mental foreplay too.

So it could be flirting throughout the day, it could be going and buying some sex toys together, um, which can come in in a later step. It can be, uh, you know, just giving each other compliments or hinting at what’s to come, and flirting, or going out to dinner, or really connecting emotionally. You know, whatever kind of does it for you.

And from there, so now you’re kind of relaxed. Returned on then that’s where the lube comes in and potentially toys come in so The reason you want to, my, my, my philosophy, my mantra, if you will, with anal sex is lube, lube, and more lube. And so, if you remember nothing else from this episode, I hope that you remember that.

So, this can apply to anal toys, like anal beads, or butt plugs, or any other anal toys that you choose to use, and anal sex. If you are putting something into your anus, without lubrication, there’s a really good chance that you could tear something, create an anal fissure, uh, give yourself hemorrhoids, which, you know, then never fully goes away and you’re more likely to get them the rest of your life.

So it’s a whole thing, right? And so even if you’re super turned on and like, I’m ready to go, let’s go. Do not skip these steps. You will regret it. And you’re going to thank me later for this. So, all right. So then you might want to get some toys. And so there’s a few options, right? Like you can try. a butt plug and they make them in different sizes.

So I would say get a body safe material. Um, there’s a really nice brand called Enjoy. I think it’s literally the letter N in the word joy that makes stainless steel ones that have some like weight to them. And you can also experiment with, you know, what sensations do you like? Do you want to feel like there’s some weight to it?

Do you want one that has sort of a metal ball in it that jiggles around and creates a sense of movement? Um, do you want something that You know, gets bigger as you insert it further. Do you want something that, um, vibrates, you know, there’s so many options out there. So I do think some toy shopping can be kind of a fun thing.

Um, and usually people who work at toy stores will be able to advise you properly. Um, And you need to keep in mind too. So when I first went to sex toy stores, I was so uncomfortable. Um, so uncomfortable and kind of like, uh, I don’t want to say anything to anyone. I’m also going to say not all sex toy stores are created equal.

So, Still my favorite one I’ve ever been to are the Pleasure Chest stores, and I’m from Chicago. They also have them in L. A. and New York, uh, working on getting them to sponsor the show, so maybe I can hook you guys up with a discount, but, um, They’re great and their staff is really educated and it’s kind of this like upscale environment a little bit where it doesn’t feel seedy And it doesn’t feel odd being there.

Okay. So anyway, so you’ve got your toys. You’ve got your lube There’s also fingers right now. You can use your finger to kind of stimulate someone anally however, keep in mind that you know Excrement poop is not sanitary Right? And so then if, if you do that, that finger is now contaminated for the rest of your sex session.

And so you have to kind of keep that in mind, like you want to then deal with like stopping what you’re doing, getting up, washing your hand, or just kind of having to remember the whole rest of the time, like not to really touch your partner or yourself with that finger. And I know you’re like, Whoa, Heather, I didn’t know we were going there today, but we are, we’re going there today.

And I’m just saying this because you got to have all the information, right? And like, think about what you’re doing. Um, we don’t want anyone getting any infections or bacterias where they’re not supposed to be. So, so my personal choice for that reason would be toys. Or, you know, maybe put like a condom on your finger or something like that.

Also, Be aware of fingernails. So for these reasons, I’m just like fingers at your own risk, people. That’s kind of how I feel. Um, so you can find a small dildo, something narrow. You want to look for body safe materials. I mentioned the stainless steel. You can also go with like a high quality silicone. Not all silicones are created equal.

And this is also where, um, it’s, it’s good to go to a sex toy store and talk to the person that works there about which brands and which toys. Thanks. They like and know are legit sometimes when we’re buying online, it’s hard to kind of get that level of information. So I would say if you’re, if you’re working on your comfort level, sexually, go, go to a sex toy store.

Just that experience alone could help you feel more comfortable, less stigma, less shame. And for me, part of my journey was going to the pleasure chest and realizing. Damn, like, these people are truly comfortable talking about, you know, the nitty gritty of sex all day long. Like, there’s no shame in their game.

And really, it kind of, um, that example, it really modeled something for me of, like, I can be that free, huh? Like, I can just, like, that’s possible. That’s a possibility. I don’t think it was really, In my realm of possibility before having that experience that someone could be so educated and knowledgeable and comfortable and just like own it and be helpful and like care about other people’s pleasure.

You know, so I think it’s actually a good goal for all of us. All right. So anyways, back to the anal sex. So, so you’re relaxed. You’re aroused. You’ve got your lube. You’ve decided what you’re putting in the butt and then you might want to ramp up. So I would say, I would, this is why I like butt plugs too.

So butt plugs are great because you could just leave it there, right? So you can do other stuff, you know, kind of let your bucket used to something. being in there is a different sensation, right? The other nice thing about butt plugs and you want to look for something that has a, like, I’m going to get this word wrong, flange.

I think the word is flanged, ed, ed, end to it. And that we’re getting so specific today. That’s so your butt doesn’t swallow it basically, um, prevents it from getting sucked all the way up into there, which is a thing that can happen. Um, so be aware of that. And, um, yeah, so you can. Leave it in there for 10 minutes, maybe something like that, and then if you want to go ahead and try anal sex, you’re going to be a little bit more ready for that.

So you can then remove the butt plug. You should still be relaxed, turned on, and now feeling more ready for that sensation. And then you can kind of just go for it. And when I say go for it, I mean, lube, lube, and more lube again, and then I also mean, um, that you want to, uh, control the pace. And if you’re feeling like, ooh, this might be a lot for me, and if you’re, if you’re, Experimenting with anal sex using, you know, a penis that’s really large or a larger dildo.

First of all, if it’s a dildo, I would say don’t start with a large one. Start with a small one. Um, if it’s a penis, you can’t really control the size of your partner’s penis. So it is what it is. Um, but then go slow. And one option that I really, really like for people is that if you’re the receiving partner, have the partner with the dildo or the penis stay still And you control the motion.

So that’s going to really allow you to make sure it’s not too fast, to make sure it’s not too painful. And that would be something to talk to your partner about ahead of time. So plan, talk to each other a little bit, discuss. Um, I also love the idea, and my clients have received this really well too, of almost having like practice sex.

So if you’re going to try something new, take the pressure off, lower the stakes. And so if this is something that’s newer to you, or at least new with this partner, maybe. to kind of say like, Hey, I’m not so sure how this is going to go. Can we just like give it a whirl with no expectations? And if I need to stop after five seconds, we stop and it is what it is.

And then we’ll just cuddle or we’ll just make out or whatever you two decide. Right? Um, so that would be my suggestion for that. Now you might want to, as you get more comfortable, you might want to go faster. I also want to explain, um, you know, sex can feel different with different partners. So just because you tried it with one person, Doesn’t mean, and let’s say you didn’t like it.

Let’s say it’s like, no, I tried it once. Not my thing. Um, I will also add that was my personal experience. I tried it once. I was like, Nope, not for me. Um, And also you, you hear a lot from, I think I had heard a lot from other women that like, oh, it’s kind of painful or it’s uncomfortable. It’s like for men or like, this is something men enjoy or want to explore, but we’re not supposed to enjoy it.

And so I didn’t. Um, however, knowing what I know now, did I follow those steps? No, there’s no way I perfectly follow those steps, right? Um, so know that like, if you haven’t loved it in the past, that doesn’t mean don’t try it again if you’re still curious about it. Because, you know, the thing is, There’s a lot of nerve endings in our butt area in general, but specifically the anus has, there’s a lot of nerve endings, and there’s a lot of potential for pleasure there.

And I think the more we can be open to all parts of our body, bringing pleasure, maybe, maybe I’ll do, um, an episode on our like inner arm one day, who knows, but the idea is why are we limiting ourselves? It’s not about our body. It might feel good to our body. It’s typically about our minds. So notice that too.

What are the thoughts you’re having that are maybe getting in the way? What meaning are you making out of this? Because really on a factual level, it’s completely neutral. It’s like penis or dildo or whatever meets butthole. Okay. If we make that good, if we make that bad, if we make that mean we’re slutty, if we make that mean we’re awesome, if we make that mean we’re like a little kinky and, you know, like to spice things up, that’s all just made up.

Alright, so I hope that that helps you to feel a little bit more comfortable maybe broaching the topic. This would be a great episode to share with your partner if it’s something you’ve been talking about. Um, and then once you get comfortable with anal sex, you can kind of You know, play with it or play with, you know, play, as I mentioned before, maybe you try different toys.

Maybe you try, you know, beads. Maybe you try a larger dildo. Maybe you try pegging your partner, which is when we should do a whole separate episode on that. That’s when somebody that doesn’t have a penis uses a strap on to inly penetrate. Um, someone else, typically someone with a penis, um, and so that’s a whole other way to play with anal sex and, uh, anal pleasure in general.

So don’t be shy, bring up the topic if you’re, if you’ve been anal curious, let’s say, and let me know what you think of this episode. I’d be so curious to hear from you guys. As always, I appreciate your ratings and reviews. We are. Inching our way up. And what I appreciate even more is when you shared the episode, uh, with someone that you wanna play with, or just a friend that you wanna chat with about sexy stuff.

Um, and I wanna thank you guys too for just supporting the show and, you know, getting the word out there. And, and most importantly, I think like being on this journey, like to me, exploring sex is about. Being on a journey where you get more and more comfortable with yourself where you get more and more comfortable with embracing pleasure You get more comfortable talking about sex and being able to have these communication, uh, this communication, these conversations with your partner.

And also just even acknowledge for yourself, like, this is what would be fun for me, right? And the, cause the more we can allow it, the greater freedom we can have, the more pleasure we’re gonna experience. You know, and sometimes we have to do some work to kind of make sure we feel safe and secure and good first.

Right? And that’s even kind of why we do the baby steps with the anal sex and anal play. And I guess I also want to mention with that, you might try some of this and decide, you know what? I think I’m fine with just, you know, a finger in the anus or a small butt plug or a small dildo. And I don’t want to actually have anal sex.

You get to decide wherever it is along the spectrum of anal play or sex or anything for that matter. You know, where’s your sweet spot? What feels good and right for you? And then communicate that to your partner and just kind of own it. So anyways, I hope this was helpful. You guys, um, kind of a fun topic and, uh, let me know what you think.

I’m on Instagram at ask a sex therapist, just like the name of the podcast. Um, and we’ll put some links in the show notes for, uh, any products that, you know, I mentioned that I think could be helpful. Um, and also we do have a free Facebook community. So if you want to kind of discuss the episodes further, you know, find out about other workshops that I’m offering.

I do have some coming up on sexual communication. do a free one on that and then I’m also going to do a free one coming up. So make sure you get on the email list. Um. Which you can do at my website, uh, with one of my prior guests, Chris True, the comedian who did air sex championships. Um, we’re going to be doing a free workshop coming up.

So anyways, thanks you guys for listening as always, and we’ll catch you next Monday. 📍