And then the second part of this question, what do girls really like? I mean, same thing, right? It’s like there’s 4 billion of us.

We all like different things. Um, and we all like different things in life. We all like different things sexually. And I actually think, so this is becoming a theme of today. Um, is not to assume, right? I think if you go into a new sexual partnership, assuming, well, when I did the alphabet with my tongue, uh, while performing oral sex on the last woman, she was really into it.

So I’m going to do the exact same thing. What I would say is instead ask the person, Hey, what does it for you? Hey, what’s going to get you off? Um, Hey, I want you to feel really comfortable. What’s going to help you feel comfortable? How do you want to feel during the sexual encounter? That, that’s like my favorite.

This is the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast, helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon, and in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships, and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to Ask a Sex Therapist.

Hello. Hello, everybody. We have a listener Q and a episode today. Um, I might bravely answer some of the questions I skipped last time. I think you’ll know which ones I’m referring to. Um, yeah, we’re going to get through as many as we can and a couple of quick announcements. Um, just a reminder that the ask a sex therapist app exists.

So if you have an iPhone, um, you can just. Ask a sex therapist in the app store. Um, and if you haven’t already gotten my intimacy audit mini course, it is there for free. Um, and we’ll be rolling out more and more, uh, through the app in the future. So stay tuned for that. Um, and then thank you as always for following the show.

Uh, that is how we Stay and, uh, rank even higher on the Apple podcast charts for the most part. So thank you for that and your reviews and ratings are always appreciated as well. Um, I do have a new ethical non monogamy group coming up. So especially if you are a, woman or a non binary person. And you are in a relationship with someone who is just like gung ho about ENM and you’re just like, ah, I think I could be open to it, but I’m not sure it’s been stressful.

And I feel like my anxious attachments being triggered and all the things, um, reach out. My email address will be in the show notes. Um, and then, yeah, we found an amazing podcast intern. So if you’re listening to this, this, this is the first episode we’re editing in house. Um, so shout out to Grace for helping me with that.

Okay, here we go guys. Um, we are going to start with this one. This is actually a really interesting question. My husband has no interest in passionate sex. He has ADHD. Could this be why? Um, so the short answer is no, uh, I don’t think that is why. Could it indirectly maybe somehow be related? Sure. Um, and so I’ll, I’ll explain a little bit more.

So with ADHD, and I have ADHD by the way, um, if you didn’t know, um, We get bored easily. So that is a thing, right? And so if there’s something about the sex that’s not quite engaging him, or if there’s something else that he would be really into that you’re not doing, that could be why, you know, there could be a sense of like he’s phoning it in cause he’s trying to do what you like and kind of giving up what he actually likes.

Um, You know, so that could be related. I also think that could be the case regardless of ADHD, but the cool thing about ADHD is that we also have an ability to hyper focus. And so that means like when we’re in it, we’re in it. Right. And so if he’s like, yes, this is like my sexual fantasy come true. Um, you know, then that’s going to be reflected as well.

So what I would say And I’ll link to this in the show notes too is to check out my libido course. So it’s called “Finding Your Fire”. I’ll link to it in the show notes and I’ll, I’ll give you guys a little $10 off coupon too if anyone’s interested. Um, but that will go through what are all the things that could be hitting the brake pedal?

You know, we’re either, he’s just not that interested in sex period or when he’s showing up for sex, he’s just kind of like, blah. You know, um, and not giving you the passion that you want because that passionate energy does make a huge difference. So I totally get why you’re asking this question. Um, and I think this is an important conversation for you guys to have.

Um, so definitely go back and check out my communication episodes. If it’s something that you’re feeling nervous about bringing up to him, I will link to those as well. I hope that that’s helpful, but I don’t think it’s the ADHD, um, unless it’s just that he’s not lining up with the type of sex you’re having.

So I would look more at that. You know, like, Hey, are you liking the type of sex we’re having? Is there something else you would be into? Or do you have one of these other million reasons why your libido is just a little bit lower and you’re not as passionate as you used to be? Um, I’m also guessing that he’s been passionate in the past.

Uh, if you’re married already and you know, so that’s an important reminder that he, he had ADHD then too, right? So that can’t be the thing that was different. The thing that’s different, maybe he’s more stressed. Maybe his health is not as good. Maybe his body confidence is not as good. Maybe one of his parents is sick and he’s just distracted by that, right?

So, so all of those can be a thing. So I’d encourage you to kind of look more in that direction. Um, okay. So, Someone asked, why is my wife afraid to sleep naked with me? You know, I can’t tell you. That’s the short answer for that one.

You have to ask her. Um, but there could be a few reasons to explore. So if you’re just wanting some like hypothetical possibilities, um, you know, that’s fine. I would say, just be mindful If and when you do discuss it with your wife, that you are not assuming what the cause is. You know, I think that’s one of the biggest mistakes I see with the couples that I work with is that people think, I have known this person forever.

I like know I’m like them back of my hand. I can complete their sentences. Well, I know if I bring this up, this is how they’re going to react. And it’s like, no, you don’t. Right? It might be how they react 99. 9 percent of the time, but we don’t actually know how they’re going to react. So it’s important that we create this space of openness and just curiosity and not feeling like we already have all the answers, right?

So that said, let’s, let’s explore some potential reasons why she’s afraid to sleep naked. I’m also curious, did she specifically say, I am afraid to sleep naked with you? Or is it that she just doesn’t sleep naked? Right? This is how I get with my clients too. It’s like we explore every nuance, right?

Because what’s important here is that we’re separating what are the facts of the situation. And then what is our thought that we’re applying to this situation? So the fact might be, wife said she’s not comfortable sleeping naked. And the way you’re interpreting it, your thought is, she doesn’t feel safe sleeping naked with me.

Um, or it could be she said, I don’t feel safe sleeping naked with you. But just be clear, which one was it? What are the actual facts? And then what are you projecting? What’s your thought about the situation? Okay. So let’s just say we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that she actually verbalized. I do not feel safe, um, sleeping naked with you.

And so in that case, that’s an important thing to discuss. You know, like what, when I’m working with couples, we start with emotional intimacy and then we get into sexual safety and you know, you can’t have great sex. I mean, you can, you know, fear based great sex, I guess, um, questionably great, but it’s a prerequisite to have like really great sex and to explore fantasies and to be able to be more vulnerable and kind of take more risks and try more new things with each other.

So I would ask about that. I would say, okay, how can I help you feel more safe? You know, is there something that I did that, you know, or that I’m currently doing? That is contributing to you not feeling super safe, or is it something else, you know, is it that you have a trauma history and other people that you’ve been with didn’t make you feel safe and you haven’t been able to shake that even though on paper you should feel safe with me, right?

And so. What we want to do again is just like create that openness, that space to discuss without having to have the conversation go a certain way. Um, and so see what she says, right? Um, she might also just not like sleeping naked. She might just be like, it’s, you know, distracting, or I don’t like the sensations on my skin, or it just makes me think you’re going to want to have sex with me.

If that’s not the case. So she might also be having some assumptions. Um, you know, one of the common patterns I see with the couples I work with also is that the lower libido partner might feel like, I don’t even want to like cuddle or make out because like the second we start doing anything. I feel this pressure that it has to go all the way because I know you’re going to want it to go all the way.

Whatever all the way is for you guys, right? That could be different for everyone. So, that’s something to look at too. Is there a sense that like, she just, it’s like, Oh, if I give him an inch, he’s going to take a mile, you know? I don’t know, maybe. Um, so yeah, that’s what I would explore with your wife. Um, I hope that that is helpful.

So this question says, I need to show more affection and trust women. How? Also, what do girls really like? So this is coming from a guy. Um, so there’s a couple thoughts here. So the word need is interesting. Um, and I think it’s important to distinguish between need and want.

And as you, as you all know, I’m a fan of the law of attraction. And, um, Need is not as powerful as want. Need can come with a sense of pressure, obligation, a sense of like should or supposed to, and it’s, it’s not, it’s not as free, you know, it’s not as free flowing as like, This just seems fun. Or like, this is what I want to do.

Or like, that would feel great if I could be affectionate and trust women. Right. So just kind of be curious about that for yourself. Like where, where is this coming from? Like, do you actually want to, or did someone tell you, you have to, is there, you know, is there a fear of losing a relationship, um, or not getting to have a relationship with someone that you really like, um, unless you’re a certain way. So, so check in with yourself on that. And if you haven’t asked yourself what you actually want, pause and ask yourself, what do I actually want in this situation, right? Because if we start out by kind of suppressing what we actually want, we’re not kind of giving things the best chance. Um, the trust thing I think is a little bit more complex too.

So if you’re wanting to trust women, Let’s, let’s kind of pull apart the pieces here, right? I don’t know that it’s helpful to like, trust quote unquote women, like, women is like four billion people, right? Um, I don’t know if it’s healthy or right for you to trust all four billion women. Um, and so instead, I think, I actually think it comes down to trusting yourself.

Right. And this goes for just like trust issues in general, because we get to discern who we want to interact with and choose how much do we want to interact with them and in what ways do we want to interact with them. And so if we trust our own ability to make those choices, set whatever boundaries for ourselves, convey whatever intentions we have.

You know, then things are going to go pretty good. So I would look at that too. I think it’s probably more about trusting yourself than trusting women. And then you can also get even more granular about it and look at, you know, what are sort of my criteria? So even when I’m talking with clients about friendships and kind of building their social circle and having needs met, not just in their romantic sexual relationship, but kind of creating more balance in their life.

I encourage them to think about what, you know, what are you really looking for? You know? So for the person who asked this question, what are you really looking for with women? You know, are you looking for a best friend who you’re also attracted to? Are you looking for someone you can just be like totally yourself with and just feel like very at ease?

Um, are you looking for someone who is reliable? Uh, and consistent. Um, are you looking for someone who’s independent? You know, there’s so many different things, like wonderful qualities. That we could be looking for. So think about that for yourself. So like for me, for example, when I’m, you know, deciding whether or not I want people in my life, I’m looking at, you know, is this somebody who is a healthy communicator in general, they’re not going to come like dump all their toxic crap on me.

Um, where I generally have a good time. There’s someone who’s growth oriented. Um, yeah. They treat me with respect and they make a reciprocal effort. So I’m not the only one kind of reaching out. So, so I’m kind of aware and intentional going into new connections. You know, where is someone on the spectrum?

And it might be that someone checks all those boxes. Awesome. That might be someone to hang out with a lot. It might be that someone checks most, but not all of those. Okay. Maybe that’s someone in my outer circle, you know, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, but they’re probably not going to be, you know, my bestie and someone that I, you know, Super connect with all the time.

So think about that for yourself. Like how do you want to set the boundaries? Who do you want to set boundaries with? What will be the signs that it’s time to maybe pull back a little bit? Right. And then the second part of this question, what do girls really like? I mean, same thing, right? It’s like there’s 4 billion of us.

We all like different things. Um, and we all like different things in life. We all like different things sexually. And I actually think, so this is becoming a theme of today. Um, is not to assume, right? I think if you go into a new sexual partnership, assuming, well, when I did the alphabet with my tongue, uh, while performing oral sex on the last woman, she was really into it.

So I’m going to do the exact same thing. What I would say is instead ask the person, Hey, what does it for you? Hey, what’s going to get you off? Um, Hey, I want you to feel really comfortable. What’s going to help you feel comfortable? How do you want to feel during the sexual encounter? That, that’s like my favorite.

Um, so asking some questions, I mean, showing that interest. I think so, so often we feel this pressure to be some like sexual God, goddess deity of whatever kind. Um, that we feel like we’re supposed to know it already. Like you should just magically know. And the thing is like, everyone’s body is different.

Some people are going to love oral sex. Some people are going to love, you know, fingering. Um, some people are going to want dirty talk. Some people are going to want silence. Some people are going to want a bunch of different positions. Some people are going to want to stay in the same position. And so that’s why the communication is so, so important.

It’s like you, you know. You kind of can’t have great sex without communication. Um, and I also want to clarify with that cause I’m, I think you can have great sex without verb, without much verbal communication. Um, there’s physical communication too. So I think that’s the other piece is notice what energy is somebody bringing to the encounter, right?

Do they seem nervous? Do they maybe need to pause and check in? Um, do they seem like. So hot for you, so excited and passionate, enthusiastic, all the things, and then can you kind of match that energy to they seem more like it’s just this slow, sensual, sultry, seductive, um, experience, you know, so there’s, there’s a lot of different energies people can bring, and then noticing how their body responds.

Right? So you can try some things. And you can, you can see physically how they’re reacting, you know, like, okay, or is this person moaning or do they seem like they’re into it or the way they’re moving their body is they’re kind of like leaning into it or, you know, pushing into it, whatever, um, depending on what you’re doing.

So just notice that, notice muscle contractions, notice facial expressions. And so that’s going to be important too. And I, and I think also with this, it’s taking the pressure off, you know, you’re probably not going to figure it all out in the first encounter, but if you can kind of become a student, uh, study your partner and notice the physical nonverbal communication as well as the verbal.

That’s going to really help. Um, you can also talk ahead of time about, you know, do you like talking during sex? Um, you know, or let them know, Hey, I would love feedback on my kind of how, what I’m doing is feeling for you. Um, and they may say, Oh, I don’t really like to talk during sex. And you can ask them, like, do you want to let me know during sex?

Do you want me to check in afterwards and like the next day? Um, well, whereas some people want to move your hand or say, Ooh, right there. You know, other people might want to be like, I don’t really want to talk about it during that kind of ruins it for me. So again, everyone’s different. Um, so that’s, that’s my answer to that question.

Um, okay. And now. We’re going to tackle an adventurous one. So I was wanting to discuss a controversial topic in BDSM. My wife and I experiment on different levels with different forms of BDSM. However, she avoids the discussion of FTT or pooping on me. How might I approach this topic with more gentleness and empathy?

Should I be embarrassed that I am into this fetish? Um, so embarrassment, no, right? I think that We’re all into a variety of different things for different reasons. Certainly embarrassment or self judgment is not going to help with that. What I think is interesting about this one though is, you know, your wife is just sounds like she maybe has different boundaries.

Um, it sounds like she’s very open minded, uh, in general, and you guys are exploring a whole, whole bunch of different things, which is great. Um, I wouldn’t invite discussion on that. So like, Hey, I noticed you’re not super comfortable. So FTT, by the way, stands for full toilet training. Um, you know, I noticed you’re not comfortable talking about FTT.

What’s coming up for you. You know, um, like I want to be respectful that you’re not feeling super comfortable. And I also want to be able to discuss it regardless of what we decide. Um, I love that you’re approaching it with the gentleness and empathy. I think there’s so much wrapped up for people in bowel movements in general, right?

Sometimes someone might be have IBS. Someone might be constipated. Somebody, you know, might have loose stools. Um, somebody might have hemorrhoids, you know, like I think there can be a lot of physical stuff going on. Um, I think there can be a lot of shame, um, tied to this, uh, for whatever reason, maybe people worry about something smells, maybe people worry about, you know, in a lot of ways, I think we’re taught it’s like the opposite of sexy, right?

Which might be why it’s a kink for you because, because a lot of times things that become kinks are because they’re taboo or that we, we find a subversive pleasure. You know, I think so much of kink is a subversive pleasure. And so to me, it’s like, that’s what you have found here. Um, But I think it actually requires a very open mind and it requires, you know, kind of being able to subvert the societal norms.

Um, and so it sounds like your wife most likely is Um, and not really seeing it as something pleasurable or not allowing herself to see it as something pleasurable. Um, and so I think all of that is worth discussing with her. Um, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get a yes, you know, but it might be a really interesting discussion.

You might learn something new about each other. Um, And I love that you’re bringing the gentleness and empathy. So that’s that’s always going to be, uh, a good discussion when you’re approaching it that way. And the fact that she seems pretty open minded, I think, is is a good start. Um, but no, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with you or your wife, right?

To me, honestly, it’s just different reactions to societal norms and kind of like what we’ve been taught. Also, I will add. You know. When you are bringing, you know, FTT into the equation, there is just sanitary concerns too. Um, and educating yourself about, you know, what are the concerns when it comes to what is safe, what is healthy, what is sanitary.

Um, And then from there, assessing your risk level, because some people might be like, I don’t even care. I don’t care what’s safe or healthy. Um, you know, when we look at some of the, the consent acronyms and kink, one of them is, uh, you know, risk aware consensual kink. Another acronym is safe, sane, consensual.

Someone might be like, I know it’s not safe, sane, consensual, but I’m risk aware and I’m choosing to take that amount of risk. So it could also be that you and your wife have different risk tolerances. So, so my thought is, you know, I brought up a few different reasons or aspects of, Why she might be feeling the way she’s feeling.

I would kind of just be like, hey, can we kind of talk about these different aspects? I want to be able to understand more Where you’re coming from and kind of explain where I’m coming from. So I hope that that is helpful And thank you for asking this brave question. Okay, so this will be our last one for this episode. Um, I turned 18 recently and started being more sexual online. And since I wanted to do this beforehand as well, I posted nudes for the first time on a queer tag. I didn’t outright state I was 18 on my account, just that I was, you know, 18 plus. Some people responded with compliments.

Also in DMs, but the only thing I’m unsure about is because some of them are 25. So I’ve been groomed in the past and I’m sort of wary of getting sexual attention from older guys and I still feel young But at the same time I know that I am now an adult and it is not wrong for adults to have age gaps Plus I am not planning on being in a relationship with any of them.

On one hand I feel that it’s fine to ignore it now But on the other hand, I feel that I should be on guard and the age gaps between adults can count in some way, like just being in different stages of life. I don’t know. I guess I’m just asking because I’m not sure how to feel about it. Okay. So that’s so interesting.

I think we’re all sometimes in these situations where we’re like, how should I feel about it? I’m not sure. Uh, how, yeah. Is there a kind of a right or wrong way to feel about it? Um, and honestly, no, there’s not. I think what I would suggest, and this is sort of leaning into the. Law of attraction stuff too is like, what thoughts feel better for you?

Right? Does it feel better to feel like, Hey, this is me being my, you know, newly, uh, officially minted adulthood self. Um, and I’m going to do what I want. I’m going to feel freedom and I’m gonna enjoy it. Or it could also be like, this is me being an adult in a sense that I’m going to have good boundaries and I’m going to take care of myself.

Um, the other thing I want to say with that. is we sometimes don’t know where our boundaries are until we cross them, right? And so you might try something and it’s like, Oh, this is feeling great, feeling great. Oh, that was too much, right? And we kind of don’t know until something feels a little bit off. So that would probably be my biggest suggestion for you is check in with yourself frequently, you know, with this process, this is something new that you’re doing.

And Um, I like that you’re looking out for yourself. You also mentioned being groomed, um, when you were underage, you know, and so keeping in mind like, okay, do all parts of me feel okay with this, right? Is there a part that, you know, felt victimized in the past and maybe that part doesn’t feel safe? What do I need to do for that part?

Do I need to pause kind of this activity altogether? Do I need to limit it to maybe people within five years of my age or whatever limit this part feels okay with? Um, and so you can kind of try on different things mentally. Take your best guess and go from there. And I think like you said, if this is all going to be online, maybe how do you protect your identity?

Um, you’re not looking for people to, um, you know, meet in person it sounds like. So that’s one boundary. Um, I would also say make sure you don’t text people, um, or give them your phone number if you’re doing this kind of thing. I have had. A couple friends, um, get blackmailed that way where they maybe were on Grindr or another sort of like sex app and, um, you know, exchange phone numbers and shared pictures outside of that.

And then someone’s like, Oh, well I like reverse engineered from your phone number who you actually are, found you on Facebook and now I’m, you know, threatening to share these pictures with people in your life. So, um, keep that in mind. as well, um, just to kind of keep yourself safe. Um, and you know, with the age gap thing in general, like you get to feel however you want to feel with it, right?

If you’re, some people really get off on the age difference again, because it’s like a taboo and as humans, you know, taboo things are some of the things that we find most sexy. Um, But for me and from what you’re saying, I would just watch out for like, where does it feel unsafe for me? Where does it start to feel like, Hmm, I don’t like that this person is that much older.

Um, so decide on your boundaries and again, give yourself some grace. So I hope that that is helpful. Um, but yeah, you’re not doing anything wrong and, um, I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself. I’m glad that you asked this question. . And, you know, allow yourself to figure it out as you go. Like you’re just kind of newly expressing this part of your sexuality.

Um, so yes, thank you everybody for these questions. Uh, I am always entertained and slightly challenged by them, which I appreciate. Um, and we will catch you guys next week. So again, check out the show notes, uh, for any 📍 of the references I made during the episode by everybody.