Welcome. Welcome. This is my first like confessional episode of ask a sex therapist. Um, I was inspired recently by, uh, Sean Golanos, uh, on Instagram. Um, he’s a great love coach, uh, love and dating coach. If you, uh, are interested in that and maybe finding a guy who does that. Um, but he was kind of like confessing slash joking on his channel.

He’s like, I don’t know if I’m emotionally available. I am probably kind of avoid it. And you know, I’m a 42 year old single love coach. And I was like, Oh, gosh, that hits, it’s a little too close to home sometimes. And then I was listening to, um, Diary of a CEO, great podcast, by the way. Um, and it was, uh, Stephen Bartlett, the host of the show interviewing Andrew Huberman, and obviously he had a bunch of stuff Huberman did.

I had a bunch of stuff kind of in the media, not that long ago, and. Uh, about dating a bunch of women at once, and he didn’t really comment on all the, the details, but he kind of addressed some of the patterns in this interview with Steven. And so he was like, this, this is the area I kind of most struggle with is real romantic relationships.

And, and then Steven kind of opened up as well about like, you know, this is what my parents marriage was like. And, you know, my, my mom would yell at my dad and. Um, it kind of made me think that, like, that’s what marriage is. Like, I’m going to be trapped in, in this, like, relationship jail. Um, and so that also kind of, uh, hit, hit a little bit close to home.

And, uh, I figured, you know what? I’m just going to open up with you guys a little bit more. It’s not comfortable. It’s not easy. But, I think it’ll be good for me to share. I’m not, like, forcing myself. And, um, You know, I’m always asking my clients to have uncomfortable conversations, so I feel like, I feel like it’s only fair, and I also feel like it’s part of the pathway, um, to intimacy of every kind, of every kind, really, yeah, whether you’re, uh, sharing vulnerably with a family member, with your friends, um, with the person you’re dating or married to, so, you know, you know?

Here we go. Um, so I am a 43 year old, soon to be 44 year old, single sex therapist. Um, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being single, you know, and I’m not somebody who ever thought I would get married young. I don’t think that was something that I was looking for. I think because of my parents marriage, they’re divorced.

Um, you know, because of that, I was kind of like, okay, I kind of see marriage differently, which we talked about a little bit on, um, the Every Seven episode where I interviewed, uh, the filmmakers about the institution of marriage. Um, Caitlin and Alex, uh, you know, we talked about kind of my perspective on that a little bit, but I think it kind of created this idea that, um, Marriage is this contract and there’s this whole legal process you have to go through when you get divorced to kind of undo it and then if you have kids, you got to separate stuff and it kind of sucks for everybody and, um, you know, at this age, I still have to deal with like, okay, well, you know, my dad lives in the burbs in Chicago and my mom lives in the city.

City and we kind of gotta arrange multiple things. And then I gotta coordinate with my brother who also lives in another state and you know, when you’re trying to do holidays. And so it is something that affects you, um, long term in different ways. And like, yeah, you get used to it. It doesn’t mean, it doesn’t mean it’s the preferred approach.

And so I think I’ve just had this very, um. I don’t know if I want to say unromantic. There’s, there’s a very romantic side of me, or I wouldn’t do this work. Um, but there’s also a very realistic side of me that’s like, let’s be honest with ourselves that like love and marriage are two different things.

You know, there’s people who have been together for decades, happily, who are not married and very much in love. And there’s people who are married and very much not in love. Right. And I’m sure most of you, if not all of you can see that in different examples. Um, in your life. So anyways, this is to say, um, I went through most of my 20s for sure feeling like, Oh my God, I just want a boyfriend.

Oh my God. I just want a boyfriend. Right. And, and really thinking like I had this like neediness and sort of craving this relationship. And I started, you know, dating, like, after college, like, more actively dating here and there, you know, um, and so there were some people I met, they weren’t always the healthiest attraction, some of them had addictive tendencies, and, and so there was some stuff there, and I’m grateful to my younger self that I kind of knew better, like, don’t get Try to be in a relationship with someone who’s like dealing with unhealthy behaviors, right?

But the attraction was still there. So it’s like, okay, I’ll like date you a little bit, but we’re not gonna be like an item. Or I’ll have a crush on you, but like I kind of know better than to like try and like be in a relationship with you. Um, and so that, that was a lot of my twenties, towards the end of, very end of my twenties.

Um, I did meet someone and then probably right around my 30th birthday, I got in a longer term relationship and it was great, you know, in a lot of ways. I think it was a healthy kind of first serious relationship , There was also an awareness because probably the second half really of our relationship, um, things did start to kind of struggle, you know, I felt like there was certain needs of mind that weren’t being met, um, emotionally and physically.

Um, I think there was some communication challenges. I’m sure he felt like I was too critical, which I probably was and I didn’t know how to say certain things. Um, you know, I, I had some health issues and digestive issues, which I continue to have. different ways, different symptoms, um, that became an issue in the relationship.

I couldn’t eat gluten and dairy. And he was like, what? I was broke up with you because you couldn’t eat pizza. I just almost broke it off after two dates. And I was like, what? Um, which we’re actually going to talk more about sex and disability on an upcoming issue. So stay tuned for that. Um, and I’m not viewing my digestive issues as a disability.

Um, but there are. kind of a chronic issue, um, that has, it affected that relationship. So anyways, um, and then I kind of had my exploratory phase of like, Oh, I’m single. Like, do I want to explore, um, connections with women? Do I want to explore kink? Do I want to be monogamous? I don’t know. I kind of hadn’t considered these other paths until I had this Uh, opportunity, uh, when I became single after this relationship, and I see that with so many other people too, which is so cool.

Um, I think it’s like a, it can be a painful time, but it can also be a very special time in the sense that you’re like, I’m free. I get to do whatever I want, you know, like this is so cool. So I love working with clients who are kind of in that phase of, uh, Finding themselves in terms of like what is authentic to me when it comes to relationship.

Um, so I went through my own phase of that. Right. And, and I think because I went through my phase and trust me, I’m going to get to my point. I’m getting to my point, but you need some background, you know? Um, so I’m like, okay, let’s try this way or community. Let’s explore the kink scene. Let’s, um, date different people.

Let’s, you know, See if I want to be monogamous. Let’s see if I’m bisexual. Um, you know, and, and I’m really grateful that I was able to do that because it helped me know myself better. Right? And if you’re listening to this and you’re like, I’m married for 20 years. I’m not going to go do that, Heather. I’m not saying you should, but there still are ways within the relationship to get to know yourself better and to explore more and to share more.

Um, yeah. About how you’re feeling and what you’re curious about with your spouse or with your partner, you know, so Yeah, um, okay. So then I have this exploratory phase and then kind of towards Maybe like the middle or end of that. Um, and I had dated, you know, throughout my 30, I did it a ton in my thirties.

Um, and I was also never somebody who was like hung up on having kids. I would say like mid thirties, I was kind of like, Oh, I want a child. And that is my deepest desire, you know, like deep down and. And I think there was part of me there was moments where maybe I would have had a child, but there was also part of me that was, um, again, really likes the freedom.

And, uh, if I had a kid was like, can we home school the kid? What if we want to, like, travel or like, go live in a different country? And, you know, like, are we going to have the resources to be able to do this? And, and so there’s parts of me and, and different times in my life where I just felt like, you know, I don’t really have the bandwidth.

It’s not the top priority. And so that, that wasn’t a huge issue. It’s, you know, something I went back and forth on a bit in my thirties, um, but not a main focus, but so I dated a lot and I was kind of quote unquote looking for a relationship or open to that, um, But a lot of times it never got to that point of, you know, commitment and exclusivity.

And so then I did wind up though, at the end of this exploratory phase in a wonderful, but shorter term relationship, um, where I learned a ton and I was like, so into this person. Right. And it didn’t work out. He, he wanted to be more open and date separately. That was not something I was interested in. And, you know, And I think that really hit.

It really kind of showed me, like you can be so invested, right? And you can like love how you feel with someone so much and get so much from this relationship. Um, That it can be really devastating when it ends. And even, even though this was a much shorter relationship than the one in my early thirties, um, it was more devastating when it ended.

And it was also because it didn’t feel like it had run its course in a lot of ways. With the other one, it was like, It ran its course. Like, we kind of, like, tried everything we could. I kind of got the clarity. I kind of lost the, the attraction. And so it wasn’t like, oh no. But with the one in my later 30s, it was really more like, I’m wildly attracted to you.

I’m super into you. And we don’t want the same things. And I don’t see a world in which we, like, find a happy medium right now. And I think a lot of that was because I had some healing to do. He probably had some exploring to do and some figuring out to do and maybe also some healing to do. Um, and so I just, I did not feel like I had the bandwidth to be able to kind of go to counseling or see that through, um, without certain assurances from him.

So that was that. Um, and, and so then it kind of brings me to the early, my early forties. And then there’s the pandemic and then I moved to Puerto Rico and now I’m in Florida and have these different focuses. And you know, somewhat more recently I was talking to my psychic Candida. I’m totally going to link to her in the show notes.

She’s amazing. If you’re looking for a psychic and um, My life coach Nicoletta at the time about, you know, like, Hey, you know, I’m just kind of in this place where like, maybe I’ll have a crush on someone or maybe I’ll connect with someone online or, um, You know, I have something going on and, and I would maybe bring something about the other person like, oh, I don’t know how available he is, or I don’t know if he’s that much of a communicator in both Candida and Nicoletta.

We’re like, well, Heather. He might be reflecting back to you your lack of emotional availability. And I was like, what? What do you mean? How is that possible? I’m a certified sex therapist. You know, I’ve been helping people with relationships since 2011. You know, not before that I was a high school counselor and then the kids would come talk to me about their, you know, crushes and dating issues.

Um, you know, so I’ve been doing this for a long time. I’m like, I’m a great communicator. You know, pretty much everyone would agree with that. And, you know, I’ve, I’ve worked on these things. I’ve become comfortable with my sexuality and, you know, I can speak about these things even publicly and, you know, how is this possible that I’m emotionally unavailable and, and, you know, and I will also say, I see it now.

And also, I think I still have some blind spots, right? There’s like a sense of, I partially see it and there’s probably more that I’m going to uncover. Um, and that’s okay because we’re, we’re all on a path. We’re all on this journey and. Yeah, so my, my emotional unavailability, feel free to message me and tell me about yours.

We can share in the journey. Um, but mine kind of looks like similar to what Stephen Bartlett said, where the example I saw my parents, and this is funny too, because my parents, um. Probably in my 30s, we’re like, you know, did we traumatize you with our divorce? And I was like, no, your divorce was fine as the marriage was traumatizing.

And my parents are both like kind, loving people. You know what I mean? Like they’re not jerks. And the divorce was not messy and they were not terrible and cutthroat and they did not drag us into the middle. You know, there’s like a lot of, they handled it, you know, I’m proud of how they handled it. Um, but that said the marriage itself, it was kind of like.

As a kid, I was like, how did these two people ever get together? And to be fair with you, I think this is the beginning of me becoming a relationship therapist. I did not act as their therapist, but I’m like, I see their patterns. I’m like, if dad just did this and mom just did this, you know, or if mom could just do things a little bit differently this way, then I think dad would feel more.

You know, this way, and then it would work, you know, and so I would see these patterns and, um, but at the same time, I would see how the current patterns weren’t working. And I was just like, I don’t know, you know, about these two people. So at one point, I was kind of like, I kind of hope they get divorced.

Like, this is just not going great for anyone. Um, but I think because of that example and seeing my parents be unhappy and seeing them not get their needs met and seeing them, you know, not communicate in the best, most loving way, it was really kind of like, Okay. Why? Why would I want marriage? And why does everyone want marriage?

And like, what’s all the hype about it? And, um, and then you kind of add in the statistics about it. And then you kind of just add in, I think, because I’ve dated so much, not all my experiences have been good. Right? And there’s times where, You know, you’re making out with someone and they try to like push things further sexually and you’re like, no, don’t do that.

And then they try again and you’re just like, listen, I don’t want to have to feel like I’m on guard the whole time. This is taking all the fun out of it for me. And so let’s just be done. And I, and I think that’s kind of what happened where I developed a very low tolerance for bullshit. very healthy, um, in a lot of ways.

And it’s something that like when my clients just like set these clear boundaries, I’m just like, yes, um, good for you. And at the same time, I think there’s other situations where. Maybe someone didn’t communicate something to me in like the exact right way. Um, or maybe I could have allowed more grace or maybe I could have been more willing to kind of work through things.

And I think that’s part of the feedback from, from my life coach and my psychic is, you know, there’s this, and also just from what I see working with people, there’s a certain amount of like discomfort and messiness and imperfection. Like we cannot escape that as humans. We. You know, do our best, but, you know, certainly for me as someone who’s trained in communication, who practices good communication, who’s very aware of when I’m triggered, and like, typically does not let that triggered part take over, um, you know, I have, I have a decent amount of awareness and control over that.

I’m still not perfect with it, you know, I still mess up. I still, you know, occasionally let emotions get the best of me or occasionally are kind of like, I’m just going to avoid this person for a while because I’m just not ready to deal with that. And some of that is respecting my process, you know, and, and again, in a healthy way, but you know, there’s also maybe people were like, I’ve cut them out instead of having another conversation.

Might be like, you know what you really went off on me and like a super inappropriate way that I don’t even think was justified and I could have been like, you know what, they had a moment. Let’s give grace. And there’s been moments where it’s like, no, I don’t allow people to talk to me that way. So, and there’s pros and cons of all of this too, right?

I think there’s also people who give people too much grace and then wind up in these like long term unhealthy patterns. And so I think it’s kind of finding that it. Sweet spot. Like if, if the goal is to become emotionally available, um, I do. I think it’s the sweet, emotionally available, but with healthy boundaries, you know, I think that’s sort of the sweet spot.

And also when you’ve been with someone for a long time and you’re like, Hey, I love this person. I’m invested in this. You know, I see a future with this person. And that’s how I felt in my long term relationship and we, we did go to couples counseling. So it’s very much not that I’m unwilling to do the work.

I think there’s a lot of things, especially in like early courtship where it can seem like a red flag. And I also think I was doing some journaling about this before hitting record. I also think that the pace at which dating moves, um, both emotionally and sexually. Uh, and obviously you have control over a lot of this too.

There’s no like rule of how fast you have to move. Um, but the idea that, you know, within one, two, three months, you’re going to be in an exclusive relationship with someone, you can’t know someone that well. And yet in most cases, you know, you’re, having intercourse with them or, you know, swapping fluids in whatever way you prefer.

And you are being emotional with them and you might say, I love you by the end of, you know, three, four or five months. Um, so there’s, there’s a lot happening quickly. And, and I think once you’ve been through like, I guess, speaking from my experience, having been through parent’s divorce, um, heartbreak and breakups, um, dashed hopes, you know, a few times, you know, I know how this ends, um, a lot of the times. And so I don’t want to like assume everything is perfect and a hunky door and I don’t want to over invest too soon. And again, it’s like part of that is healthy pacing yourself, I think is a wonderful tool when it comes to dating. Um, And then I also think that there can be too much guardedness where like maybe this is the right person and like at some point you’re going to have to like dive in because, you know, you can see this happen too in other relationships where like if one person kind of dives in and the other person doesn’t trust that they’ve The, the partner has dove in, they might kind of be like wishy washy hesitant, you know, kind of the insecure attachment, and then kind of blow it with this person who’s all in, because the person who’s all in is kind of like, I’m not going to necessarily tolerate someone who’s kind of Jerking me around or like not being clear in their feelings.

And so that’s something that can happen too. Um, and so I think for me, that’s, that’s where I need to push myself is being willing to dive in when I find someone who’s a good fit. And I also want to be clear. Most people are not a good fit for you. Right. Or for me. So, and even my friends are like, well, Heather, you are a little bit unique and you maybe do need like not the typical partner.

Um, and I somewhat agree with that. Um, I don’t think I need someone, you know, that out there, but, uh, You know, so I think there also needs to be a sense of patience, which brings me to the next part of my confession. So I’m in a place now where, you know, I have other focuses. I have other priorities, right?

In the last full year, I would say, I’ve been working a lot on my relationship with money. Um, there’s some stuff there where it’s like I’d picked up some unhealthy patterns. You know, hadn’t always had like the best examples for that and I’ve really dug it and dug in Brooke Castillo, by the way, is fantastic for that.

She loves talking about money and making money But her real it’s how she relates to money and and that’s one thing I do want to just mention if anyone has Struggled in their relationship with money. It’s not necessarily about how much money you have So I’ve seen people with not that much money have a poor relationship with money or a good relationship with money.

And I’ve seen people with lots of money have a poor or a good relationship with money, right? People worth like nine figures who are like maybe not relating to money in a very healthy way. Um, so it’s not so much about the amount you’re making, but it’s how you’re relating to it. So that’s been a huge priority of mine and, and I’ve grown leaps and bounds and that’s felt so good.

Um, and then, I also, um, have been focusing somewhat on health, right? So some of those digestive issues I mentioned when I first moved to Florida, I was like nine months pregnant bloated most days. It was just like awful. And I don’t know how you guys feel about this. Um, I think bloat is like the least sexy feeling that I can possibly have.

I don’t know if other people agree with that. So I was really in this phase where it’s like, I’m new here. Yeah. I did date someone when I first moved here for like two or three months. Um, but I didn’t even have a friend group yet. And so even like when that ended, I’m like, I don’t even have a girlfriend.

I can call the talk about it locally. So I really decided to, you know, focus more on building friendships and just kind of community in general for myself, which I think was the right choice. Focusing on my business, growth, my health, my relationship with money. And so it just was at a point where it’s like, yeah.

I don’t have the bandwidth. This is just not a top priority for me. Um, and I had also gotten to a place, especially as like a, a highly sensitive person and empathic person and a person who’s also like been there, done that a little bit with exploring sexuality, where I was just kind of like, I’m not, I’m just not super interested in like casual kind of meaningless sex just for the sake of sex right now.

It’s just, it’s just not where I’m at. And there’s completely no judgment about it because, you know, I had more of an exploratory phase as I mentioned, and I think it was so, so helpful, um, in a lot of ways. And I think it allowed me to, um, Overcome some important things around like shame and stigma with sexuality that I needed to overcome.

Did you be able to do this work? You know And I love talking with my clients about sex. I love being able to have a sex podcast You know, it’s like I’m still a sexual person But it’s also kind of at this point where it’s like it’s just not my focus. And so there’s a part of me That feels like a fraud, like, oh my God, I’m like the sexless sex therapist, you know, um, and then, and then I think, like, well, if I had a client who was, you know, not having sex for those reasons.

What I feel like, you know, they need to be having more sex. No, I’m like, I would never say that to a client. I would say like, awesome. Like you get to focus on what you want to focus on. Um, and I had a friend recently too, who said something similar, like, Oh my God, I went like three years without sex. I’m like, well, cause you didn’t want casual either.

And you wanted to wait until you were in a relationship and you had done some exploring as well. And you just weren’t clear on what you want. So I kind of wanted to just be like, Put that out there like one to be honest and transparent and share a little bit about my journey, but also just to normalize that like, and I think you guys know this if you’ve been listening for a while that my mission isn’t like everybody needs to have this wild and crazy sex all the time.

You know, my mission is for you to like, own your sexuality. feel comfortable with yourself as a sexual being, um, set the boundaries that work for you, kind of chart the course sexually that, um, feels awesome and exciting and fun and connective and pleasurable for you. And that can include taking breaks and having other priorities, you know, and I also recognize in a, in a way, If I were partnered right now, it would be really hard, right?

And so like if you’re in a relationship and you’re kind of in a phase like I’m in where you’re like, I’m focusing on my health, I’m focusing on my career expansion, I’m focusing on some like healing and personal growth stuff and building community. Um, that’s awesome, right? And I also just had a conversation with my friend, Emmy Hernandez.

So we just released her episode, um, this week while I’m recording this, um, who’s a love coach. And, uh, I mentioned something about where I’m at. I’m like, I just, you know, I have no interest kind of with the dating apps. And part of me almost feels like bad that I don’t have any interest or like I should, like, there’s a part of me that wants to like push me to like do things Do more with dating and get out there and try to meet someone and I was telling her kind of what I was working on instead and she was like, what if that’s like exactly what you need to do to kind of attract the right person for you is like do some of this healing work and get in alignment with yourself and that was just such a beautiful.

Message. It wasn’t a huge part of our conversation, but it was just like that sentence or two was like, yes, I think I needed to hear that. Um, especially because of the work that she does. It was very validating. So I kind of want to pass that on to you guys, you know, like, and I do think this applies even if you’re partnered, the more you can get in alignment with yourself, whatever that looks like, the more likely you’re going to be to have a great fulfilling sex life.

When you want it and when you’re ready for it. Um, and I think it’s also hard. I do want to acknowledge It’s hard to be on the receiving end of that if you’re the partner of someone who’s going through a phase We’re like sex is just not their top priority And they’re just you know, not totally feeling it It you know can be tricky to navigate.

I think you need Some awareness. I think you need some independence where you’re not looking to the other person to kind of like validate your sexiness. Um, and so if you’re struggling with that, you know, talk about it with them. See how else you can be validated from them. See how else you can validate yourself.

Um, Yeah, so I hope this has been helpful. It’s a little bit different for me to kind of share more of my own journey. You know, and some of the the self consciousness around it or having a little bit of a pressure that I put on myself as a sex therapist to be like, I should be like, you know swinging from the chandeliers having this wild sex every weekend, and meh.

Um, because again, it’s not what it’s all about. It’s about, it’s about the connection. Um, it’s about the authenticity. Um, and that includes like wherever you’re at and that’s, it’s different, right? We have different sex lives at different times in our life and that’s awesome and perfect and as it should be.

Um. And the, if you’re looking for a book to kind of help cement some of this sexual intelligence by Marty Klein is a great one. It’s the first sex book I ever read before I was a sex therapist. And he talks about how we need to kind of redefine our sex life. I think he says like every decade, but it might be every year, you know, it might be every five years.

I don’t know, you know, but. When you have significant changes, uh, when you move, when you have a breakup, when you have children, if you have a hysterectomy, um, you know, if you had prostate cancer, you know, whatever it is, like. Okay. Maybe I’m in a new phase now. What’s it going to look like in this phase?

What do I want it to look like? How do I want it to feel? Um, and so let’s welcome that. Let’s welcome the different phases. I’m going to practice welcoming and embracing the phase I’m in now and not forcing or pushing myself or telling myself because I’m a sex therapist, I should be having a certain kind of sex life.

Um, And I, and I hope you can do the same. So, uh, if this resonated, share it with someone, reach out to me and let me know, um, leave us a review. We appreciate it. Um, and I also want to do a small announcement. I kind of forgot to do this at the beginning. Um, we have a new coaching intern now. So Grace, um, who has been editing the podcast and is wrapping up their internship, um, is also a sex educator.

By training and is now doing the Gottman couples counseling training Um, and is also doing a relationship coaching, uh with Sexual Health Alliance. So very exciting Um, so I will be supervising Grace with their coaching and they’re offering 75 sessions for individuals and 100 sessions for couples Um, so part of this also is that I wanted to bring you guys something more affordable To access this, you know one on one You Personalized attention to your love life and your sex life.

Um, so if you’re curious about that, um, we will include a link in the show notes to book a free consultation with Grace. They’re taking on a limited number of new clients at this point, um, cause they’re still doing some podcast editing. Um, but yeah, if you’re interested, reach out. We’d love to hear from you and, uh, thanks for listening everybody.

And I look forward to chatting with you again next week.

  Thank you for listening to the Ask a Sex Therapist podcast. Got a question about spicing things up in the bedroom? Find the answers you’re looking for in my Dirty Talk Guide, a free resource for my podcast listeners. Grab yours now at heathershannon. co forward slash dirty talk. Again, that’s heathershannon.

co forward slash dirty talk. And be sure to tell your partner or friends because everyone has something they would like to ask a sex therapist.