Oh, Vanilla Extract! You want to spice up your sex life . . . in theory at least. But it seems like nothing is appealing to you at the moment. If there’s something we left off our quiz that you think should be included, shoot us an email at he***@he************.co. 

But it could be that you’ve simply lost your libido or are somewhere on the asexual spectrum. Libido is very holistic and a low one could be caused by relationship difficulties, physical health issues, stress levels or trauma history. And we all go through ups and downs with our libido at some time in life.

Check out my free Mojo Magic libido guide if you think this is the case for you. It’s only a problem when it’s preventing you from having the pleasure, connection and love life you truly want. Same with asexuality! But knowing this information and having a better grasp of who you are as a sexual or asexual being can help you feel more secure in yourself and communicate more effectively with partners. And it’s not always straightforward because even asexual people often masturbate. 

If you’re looking to get clarity on what’s going on, consider working with an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist/Educator/Counselor. We are trained to take a holistic view of your life, health and sexuality and to help you get clarity and resolution. We can also help you come up with non-sexual ways to feel close and intimate with your partner. Sex isn’t the only path to connection! 

It could also be that you’re perfectly happy with “vanilla” sexual activities and don’t actually need SPICE in your sex life. It could be that you’re craving more presence, attention or one of the 5 Love Languages instead. Try reflecting or journaling on your best sexual experiences to get a sense for what truly feels in alignment for you.

The Come As You Are workbook by Emily Nagoski is a great place to start. 

Want More Juicy Tips?

There are some ingredients that tend to make sex fulfilling for most of us that don’t include toys or tangibles! If you crave closeness with your partner remember the simple things…

Presence – We all love feeling that someone is truly WITH us. Not distracted. Not thinking about someone else. Not just trying to hurry up and get to the orgasm at the end. And not trying to hurry up and get to our orgasm even. Just present with a sense of curiosity and no agenda. You could also think of this as mindfulness when it comes to sex.

And the thing is, we can’t control anyone but ourselves, so practice bringing this presence to your next sex session with a partner. One relatively easy way we can do this is by tuning into our breath and our 5 senses. When your mind wanders to what’s for dinner or your infinite “to-do” list, bring it back to the feel, the sounds, the temperature, the texture, and the sensations you’re experiencing.

Try taking a deep breath and letting go. And you may want to clue your partner in ahead of time that you’re going to be trying something a little different–they may want to join you! 

Communication – While words can be limiting, talking about sex is generally helpful for knowing what your partner is into and expressing what you’re into as well. Because we haven’t been taught to talk about sex and prioritize pleasure, most of us aren’t used to this. If this is something you could use some work on, I’d encourage you to have a meta-conversation with your partner.

Ask them if they’d like to receive feedback and how. And tell them the same in return. I wouldn’t recommend having a full-scale post-mortem right after sex, but little bits of feedback during an encounter or a discussion when you’re calm and fully clothed can go a long way towards getting you on the same page, helping you feel truly understood by your partner and getting to know what lights them up sexually as well.

Want More Help?

Want some help applying all this spicy info to your own personal life? Whether you’re dating or partnered up or ethically non-monogamous, I can help! Book your $1 consultation with me!

This page may contain affiliate links and I may earn a small commission when you click on the links at no additional cost which helps keep the quiz free.