040 Listener Q & A: Panty Fetish, Spicing it Up, Bi Or Gay & Penis Size
Heather Shannon 0:02
The more you kind of do the work to get comfortable with yourself, the more you’re going to be able to share that with a partner. This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body. Because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Everybody, welcome to another listener q&a episode of Ask a sex therapist. Think you guys know these are some of my favorite episodes. I love seeing what questions are on your mind and what you come up with. And along those lines, I want to just encourage you guys to connect, I would actually love to hop on a zoom with some of you guys, you just kind of get to know like where you’re at and learn a little more about you. I do feel like I have some of the coolest, most intelligent conscious listeners out there. So thank you for being amazing. Along those lines. I got an amazing review. And I was like who is this person? For you? So I’m gonna read this one to you. So this one says empowering conversations. Where was this podcast when I was younger? Ask a sex therapist fills a crucial gap fearlessly delving into discussions about sex and body exploration. Thank you, I try. In a world where these topics are often hush the show emerges as a beacon of insight. The therapists lead conversations are refreshingly informative, tackling sensitive subjects with grace. It’s not just about sex, it’s a pathway to understanding self care and even spirituality. Exploring the realms of satisfying sex life through this podcast feels like an empowering journey. In a society where openness is needed, the show arrives right on time offering wisdom wrapped in candor, like oh my god, first of all this person like should or could be a journalist or an author or something. So thank you for this amazing review and like beautiful language. And I also just feel very seen. So thank you for that. And I appreciate you taking the time to leave a review. We’re doing great with review. So thank you guys for that keep them coming. We’re actually only as of this moment, and another rating, or two, I think came in today. But we’re at 97 ratings on Apple podcasts or three more, we get to 100. You don’t even have to write anything, just like scroll down, hit the five stars, and I will love you forever. So without further ado, we’re gonna get into the questions. We got some good questions today. I know I tend to get really chatty on these because that’s kind of how I roll. And I’m going to try to be semi concise, but we’ll see how I do. Alright, so the first one, I’m going to read this. This says I’m a 35 year old male. And I have a panty fetish. Why have I enjoyed wearing women’s panties? Since I was a teenager? The thought of wearing an attractive women’s panties or just wearing panties period excites me, why am I this way? My initial thought is I don’t know. I don’t know why you’re this way. Right? That’s like a pretty complicated question. But what what I will say is, what if it’s totally okay, that you are this way? And, you know, I’m not sure if your question is coming and coming from a place of like, why am I this way? What is wrong with me? are just like, Hmm, interesting to notice. I wonder why I’m into this. Right. And I would encourage you to move in the direction of the second one, where it’s like, oh, how interesting. This is just a thing that like I love and just turns me on. And one of the things that this person said in the question is, you know, the thought of wearing an attractive woman’s panties excites me and it could just be panties period, he said, but wearing an attractive women’s panties. And so I guess I would just encourage you to notice like, what thoughts do you have to get like, really curious about your thoughts? Is it oh, this is so taboo. And the taboo aspect, it’s like, what really drawing you in? Or is it? You know, women are so attractive and sexy in general? And like, I want to have that feeling too? Or is it like, okay, like an attractive woman is like the best thing ever. I just want to be like close to that. I just almost want to like be in her shoes, but instead of her shoes, you’re in her panties. That’s another thought. So there could be a bunch of different reasons. From my point of view, they’re all fine, right? I think that this particular fetish, can maybe bring some things up for people. It’s interesting because like one of the one of the reasons and if I would say why I became a sex therapist, but certainly something that encouraged me to pursue this field was a client who had a very similar fetish and was into cross dressing and kind of wondered, what does this mean about me, gender wise, and so So, we all have all of these stories about ourselves about who we are about what it means if we’re interested in something about what it means if we’re attracted to something, what is desirable in life? Like we all have infinite stories. So just to notice, like, what is your story about yourself? So we have kind of the neutral fact, of I get aroused wearing women’s panties? And then we have what do you make that mean? Do you make that mean? You’re not masculine? Do you make that mean, something’s wrong with you? Do you make that mean? Anything? So I would say, forgot to make it mean something, which I think our brains kind of tend to do, why not pick something that feels good? What if it’s like, I love women, and I like anything she touches, or, you know, maybe you’re just really attracted to like, MOBAs. And it’s like, okay, this was touching a very intimate part of her. And so like, I want to touch it, you know, and if you think about it, people buy us panties online, something that has some kind of value in society. So to wear them seems like even a step closer. So maybe there’s that maybe you do like exploring a feminine side. And that’s something that is really not sort of, I don’t know, encouraged if you’re sort of a masculine, you know, straight presenting man, especially, and maybe that’s something like, in private, you get to do that, right. And so maybe the story could even be How clever that my brain found a way to be able to express that part of me, you know, that’s not going to expose me to, you know, bullying, or, you know, any sort of other negative consequences. The other piece of this is, you know, if you have a partner or partners in the future, you know, is it something that you’re comfortable telling them, so I think the more you kind of do the work to get comfortable with yourself, the more you’re going to be able to share that with a partner, and, and the better that partner is going to react, right. Because how we’re thinking and feeling like the energy that we’re putting out when we’re talking about it is crucial. And this is something I’ve seen with clients with herpes to where some people feel so shameful, and so self conscious about it. And so they’re like, Oh, no one’s gonna date me, you know, and then they kind of create that result, because they’re presenting it with discomfort, they’re presenting it with shame, whereas other people are, and it’s not that big of a deal. I take, you know, whatever, pill to, you know, prevent outbreaks and like, barely affects me. And then if someone’s presenting it that way, the person receiving it, the information is like, okay, cool, whatever, you know. So I think we kind of show people how to react, by the way, we’re reacting to ourselves. There’s nothing wrong with it. I mean, my stance in general, whatever the Fetish was, was gonna be my answer, right? There’s nothing wrong with it like you, do you. We know we all have different things that we’re attracted to for different reasons. There is an interesting book by Jack Murrin, called the erotic mind. So it’d be something to check out. It’s kind of an older book, but he talks about the four cornerstones of eroticism. And he mentioned, you know, things that are taboo is one things that have novelty to them, is one, sometimes overcoming ambivalence. So maybe if we were like, you know, sort of repressed in a certain way, but we really are into something that we’re kind of, quote, unquote, not supposed to be into. So we don’t allow ourselves to do it. Maybe it could be the Fetish with the panties, to overcome that, to overcome the sort of historical repression from childhood or religion or culture or whatever. And just go for it. I think sometimes that exhilaration of freedom of overcoming, you know, feeling torn, can be really erotic. So there’s a lot of reasons, right? Some of it’s probably our genetics, like, there’s, there’s like too many reasons to really be able to pinpoint it. And so I would encourage you to let go of that a little bit. And, you know, maybe explore what are some of the general things you like about it? What are your thoughts? And how can you behind yourself about it? Okay, next question. How do I get my male significant other to try new things sexually? Well, I think this is what a lot of us can relate to. So if you have a fantasy designer, a kink a fetish, and you’re like, this would be so odd, or, you know, I have a few of them, maybe, and how do I get my partner to kind of want to do these with me? Communication. So if you go back to episode two, I believe it’s all about like, why are we not really talking about sex? And it kind of boils down to this fear of rejection? So communication would be my number one answer. So you might just say, Hey, I think it would be really hot if you sucked my toes. Or I don’t even know if it would be happy to come and try it. Or I love when you go down to me. Can you do that more?
Totally gets me excited. Totally gets me going much more likely to orgasm. Okay, cool. It can even be a broader conversation about like, you know, hey, it’d be kind of fun to just talk about some of our fantasies and what we’re into and then like, see which ones we can do together, right? And then you kind of set the stage for like, this could be fun, this conversation could be turned on, we’re going to learn some things about each other. So that’s kind of what I would say. Now, I don’t have a lot of context with this question. So I don’t know if you brought it up. So let’s say you brought it up to this person or running, you brought it up to your male, significant other, like, Hey, I kind of want to like spice things up. And it could be that you just want to generally spice things up, and you’re kind of being like, hey, well, you kind of be my teammate with this, we’d be my teammate and help me find ways that we can kind of spice things up or just try new things and kind of keep it interesting. Or you might have specific things in mind, if you try to have this conversation. And the partner’s reaction is kind of like, well, I think what we’re doing is good. You know, we’re like, Oh, are you not satisfied, you know, because people can be a little sensitive people can be a little defensive. So just because I think it’s great to have these conversations about spicing things up and, you know, continuing to have some novelty in the relationship, which does take some intention, doesn’t mean everyone thinks it’s great to have those conversations, you know, and so there’s some people that are kind of more of the mind of, you know, let’s just do the basics. And hey, it’s not broke, let’s not try and fix it, then, you know, we don’t need to reinvent the wheel here. So if that’s kind of where your partner is coming from, and you did mention this as a male partner, you did not say your gender. But regardless, there’s an interesting book by Alison Armstrong, getting a lot of book racks from me today, called the Queen’s code. And it talks about kind of like how to talk to men and like how to make requests in a way that’s going to be received well, and received more effectively. So you could try that. And one of the things she mentions in there, and I will also add, it’s a quirky book, it’s like written as a fable. It’s not your standard, you know, nonfiction expert book, and it’s not sort of your standard self help book at all. The book is interesting, though, because one of the things that it says is letting him know what it would do for you. So he might just think, like, why do you need so much novelty, this just seems like extra work that we don’t have to do. But if you were to explain, this would help me feel closer to you. This would help me feel more secure, and our connection, this would help me feel like you’re really invested. You care about me, and you care about my sexual pleasure, then you might be like, Oh, okay, that’s important, right. And I don’t know your significant other or like, what his beliefs are around sex in general. But sometimes people think of sex is just like, it’s just like a thing you do. Or it’s, you know, it was kind of superficial. But once they understand the type of meaning it has to you, that might kind of shift things. And I’ll also add, so when I was in relationship about a decade ago, at this point, I was feeling this way in the relationship. And, you know, I would kind of bring up like, let’s try some sex toys, or let’s go to the toy store, or like, you know, just like, try some things different, you know, because when we were first dating, we did try a few different things. And it was fun, and I kind of had high hopes for the direction or sex life would go in. It didn’t totally go that way. And I think when I brought it up, he felt emasculated. And so that’s where I think the Queen’s code could be helpful. I think it’s going to help you not do that. But I will also say, partners I had after him, when things would come on, they would be like, Great, let’s talk about it. If you’re really excited, and like want, like, actively want that information from me about what was going to turn me on, so you also kind of have to think about like, you know, how open is this person sexually? How important is that to me? Can it be something that like develops over time? Absolutely. You’re just gonna have to be a little bit patient with it as well. So that’s my advice on that one. I hope that that helps. All right, so next question. Hello. I’m a 36 year old male. I have considered myself bisexual since 2009. And came out to my family in 2013. But I had very little experience with women and lately have been wondering if I’m actually just gay. How do you know? This is interesting timing. So we just had the episode come out this week with Zachary Zane about male bisexuality, and he talks a lot about and he talks a lot about it in his book boys slot, too. So there we go. Another book recommendation. And so he talks about wandering, you know, like knowing he was attracted to women, kind of realizing at some point, he’s like, Okay, I’ll experiment with men. And then he realized, I think experimenting with men for four years, you can probably just call myself bisexual at this point, right? But you have to look at you know, what does society say about things and what kind of do I have some kind of mental blockage? Does it feel more okay to be gay or more okay to be bisexual than vice versa, you know, in my mind So pay attention to that too, I will say so you should have very little experience with women. And I guess I would say it’s not so much about experience. It’s more so about attraction flick when you see women, when you interact with women, do you experience sexual attraction? Do you get turned on or rouse in some way. And you’ll notice, I’m going to make a little distinction here. So there’s sexual attraction. There’s romantic attraction. And then there’s companionship, attraction. And so this is something I really learned in my sex schools, I like to call it. So the sexual attraction is really just like arousal and being turned on by someone, it doesn’t mean you won’t have a relationship with them, right. And then sometimes you might want to, you might want to like, hold hands and be sweet and be romantic, but you’re not really feeling the sexual attraction. So I do want to just mention, it’s okay, if those don’t go together. And that may or may not be one of the pieces that you’re finding a little bit confusing, because maybe you’re feeling some romantic attraction towards women, but not sexual or sexual, but not romantic in the companionship levels more like friendship. And, you know, even with intimate partners, or romantic partners, I still think the companionship level is what most of us find most important. So also good to keep that in mind. So yeah, that would be my suggestion to you. It sounds like you’d have some experience with women. You could also look back and see like, was that fun? Did you feel turned on? Right? And there could also be different phases of life, where maybe you go through phases, where you’re just much more drawn to men. And you might go through other phases where you’re more drawn to non binary people, or women, you know, so it doesn’t have to be all one way or all another way. And you might also want to go back to my episode on, am I queer, are you queer, because I talk a lot about labels. And I’ll link to that in the show notes. I talk a lot about, you know, labels and kind of fitting in a category. And it can also be that like, maybe you don’t fit super neatly in a category. You know, I think I mentioned in that episode that if I had to pick a label, it would be hetero flexible. You also might be homo flexible, maybe you’re kind of mostly attracted to men, but sometimes attracted to women. So the bottom line there was like you’re allowed to be however you are, you can claim a label or not. But really, at the end of the day, do what you want to do and do who you want to do. That’s how I feel about that with consent from them as well. Okay, so I hope I hope that that’s helpful and gives you some resources. I’m doing so good and time I’m so proud of myself. Okay, so our last question today is does penis size matter when it comes to pleasuring a woman? And I’m almost like, shocked. I haven’t covered this yet. So thank you for asking this question. I’m going to say yes and no, for my like, quick answer. Yes, it can matter because some women prefer a larger penis, and some women actually prefer a smaller penis. And we don’t hear about that and time. And it’s actually pretty common. So, you know, there was a point where I was dating somebody with a smaller penis. And so I was kind of like, looking looking into this. And, and there’s a lot of women that are like larger penises, her like, that doesn’t feel good. Like, I can kind of be as relaxed because of it. Like, I’d way rather have a smaller penis, or, you know, those guys who have like a medium to smaller penis, they’re, you know, better with their hands, or they tend to do more foreplay, and like, sometimes the guys with the larger penis, just like think that like, Hey, look at my amazing penis. And, you know, that’s not the point penetration is not the primary way that women orgasm. And so I think sometimes women are like, Okay, what else you got? So I think it’s important to keep that in mind. So yes, and no, I would say, you know, I’m 42. At this point, I have yet to have a friend or client ever break up with someone over penis size, which is pretty fascinating. At least they’ve told me and people told me a decent amount of stuff. So when you think about that, does penis size matter? When it comes to pleasuring a woman? Barely, like doesn’t even register, right. It’s just not a primary factor. I think usually, the emotional connection and the sexual energy, or the sexual attraction is much, much more important, you know? And whenever a guy leads with, you know, oh, I’m like really well, in doubt, I’m always just like, oh,
disaster. Like it’s just you’re only setting people up for disappointment when people do that anyways, and so I think focusing more on your partner and being curious and like getting to know her body, getting to know her turn ons showing that kind of interest and care that gonna win out every time. You know. And I get that just like, culturally, sometimes men are taught that like, there’s some kind of value and like their penis size, and it just, it just doesn’t have doesn’t have much to do with anything if we’re being really honest. So that’s my thought Now, are there women out there that are size queens? Or might even have a slight preference for a larger penis? Absolutely. Right? But are they not going to date someone because he has a medium or smaller penis? Probably not, especially if they like the guy. So I think we have to realize, like humans, were not our genitals, right? It’s like, our gender is not defined by our genitals. You know, our sexuality is not defined by our genitals, our value as a human is not defined by our genitals. So I think if we realize that it’s a you, you have a brain and you have hearts, and you have hands, and you have a tongue, and you have, you know, romantic gestures, and sex toys. And, you know, there’s just, there’s a lot of options out there in terms of like, sex, but also like, you’re much more than just who you are in the bedroom do so I hope that helps I get that there’s some insecurity sometimes. And I think that there’s more like overt pressure on men to perform in some ways, because the penis needs to be hard. And the penis is an external Oregon. Whereas for people with a vagina, it’s internal, no one’s really seeing it immediately. Nobody can really tell, you know, if we’ve orgasm for real or faked it, I guess, depending on how good you are at faking it. And so, while I think people with the vulva still feel that pressure at times to perform or generally perform a fake orgasm, if they’re not really feeling it, you know, I do think it’s a little bit different. So I just want to kind of validate it, like I get why you have that concern. And also just kind of put your mind at ease as much as possible that it’s really pretty secondary, I would say, like, if you’re, you’re spending a lot of attention on that, I would encourage you to shift your attention, you know, to learning techniques, and more than the techniques get to know your partner, because everyone’s body is different. You know, even if we rely on a technique or two, and it’s like, well, this is what worked with my last partner, you know, and I’ve personally had that experience where I feel like people kind of come in and they’re like, Oh, your body’s a little different. I’m like, Yeah, can you take some time to learn what works for me. So I think just own that, like, our bodies are all unique. And that includes your penis and your penis size. And if someone’s not intuitive, and they’re not the right person for you, because most women are not going to care that much. All right, thank you, everybody. For the questions. These were awesome. And I also wanted to let you know, I have a new libido guide coming out, it’s called Finding your fire. And if you are on my email list, you will also be getting an email today, Monday, that same day, this episode is coming out all about it. And you know, it’s gonna be really fun libido is one of the most common issues that I see people deal with. And it’s hard, like it can really create a disconnect, not only in a relationship, but also just kind of with yourself, if you’re just like weird and sort of my sexual energy go, Where did my flirtiness go, you know, and if you’re kind of missing that part of yourself, and or if it’s impacting your relationship and really creating a divide instead of closeness. This is gonna be the perfect guide for you. It’s super holistic, it covers, you know, Mind Body aspects of sexuality. And it really helps you determine where do I need to put my focus and it’s really affordable. So anyways, you can check that out. If you’re on my email list, I’ll put a link to it also in the show notes. And thank you guys for listening and we’ll catch you next Monday. If you are loving the show, and you don’t want to miss another one, make sure you hit follow at the top of the screen from the Show page and if you’re on an episode page, just go to the little three dot menu, select Go to show and then hit follow at the top of your screen. This helps us show up on the Apple sexuality charts. It helps more people find the show and it helps spread the message of sexuality. So thanks guys, and we’ll catch you next time.
