12 Consent Is Sexy AF
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, and welcome to the consent episode, Consent is sexy a f. So we’re gonna get into a little bit of sexual etiquette, today, we’re going to talk about consent and what that means. And specifically, we’re gonna get into enthusiastic consent. And so basically, when we’re talking about consent, we’re talking about an agreement. So that’s how we’re going to define this, we’re talking about an agreement to engage in sexual activity with each other. Right, and that, that could be defined however you define it sexual activity is pretty broad. So this is for people who are in marriages that have been together for many, many years. This is an episode for people who are single, who are, you know, polyamorous and dating. This is for people who are in newer relationships, because we all actually need to navigate consent. And I think we can all do it a little bit better. So I do want to mention, I’m still recovering from COVID. So I might still sound a little bit Froggy, thank you guys for bearing with me on that. But focusing on consent, the way we get there, the way we get to enthusiastic consent, is through great communication. And I would add, I think it’s through great verbal communication. I think there’s a lot of us who struggle more with verbal communication. And part of what we love about sex is that you don’t have to be as verbal. And it’s a way to communicate with your body. And it’s a whole different modality of expressing who you are and how you feel. And that’s part of what I love about sex. And that’s part of what I want for people with sex. But when it comes to consent, which I think is especially important, when we’re trying something new, or when something’s not feeling right to us, it’s really important for us to be able to say that and not give in to any sense of how we should be performing, or how we should be showing up for a partner. But to really show up for ourselves first and foremost, because sometimes we can internalize this idea that we should just be consenting, we should just be going along with something. So that’s something important for us to be aware of, as well. And part of why I wanted to do this episode. So one of the most important things with consent is that we have the ability to stop, right? At any point. And consent is ongoing. That means that we might be really into something and our partners kind of like, Okay, we’re gonna have a no sex tonight, it’s not something we normally do. And then you’re in the middle of having enough sex. And then one partner is like, Oh, this is not feeling good. You know, this is painful, or there’s not enough lubrication, or I thought I was gonna like this. And I really, really don’t, there has to be that ability to stop. And this is something where, you know, I’ve been making out with people or hooking up with people, and they’ve even said to me, ooh, well, if we go this far, I don’t know if I can stop red flag red fucking flag, my friends. So you need to be able to manage yourself as a human. In sexual situations, you need to know that you can stop for the benefit of your partner, right. And that might take some, you know, mental management, but I really think as conscious human beings, we can stop it, we might be a little irritated about it, we might feel a little sexually frustrated. You might have literal or metaphorical, you know, blue balls, or blue ovaries can be any number of reasons. But we need to be able to stop and our partner needs to be able to stop in order for us to have a foundation and a sense of safety in the sexual relationship. And so that’s so foundational to creating true intimacy, and to letting go right, like the safer we feel, the more we’re going to be able to let go, the more we’re going to be able to explore fantasies, and that’s why this episode is titled consent to sexy AF because creating that foundation just kind of means that the sky’s the limit. So, I hope that that comes through for you guys. But we’re gonna get into you know, the fact that consent is ongoing. We’re going to talk about risk aware consensual kink, pestering and pressuring and how that can be a pattern that shows up. And the importance of the enthusiasm with the consent. And some tip also on how to verbalize consent in a way that’s most clear, and most accurate. I’m also going to include a link to a an organization called brain, our AI, n n. And that stands for Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. And they have some great information there about consent about the definition of consent, about different, you know, rules and laws about consent trainings that are available, all sorts of good stuff. So that will be included in the show notes. Alright, so the next thing that we’re gonna get into with consent is an acronym. It’s called RAC. And it stands for risk aware, consensual kink. And I want to emphasize the risk aware and of course, consensual. That’s the topic of the episode. But the risk aware part is something I want to emphasize. Because there’s sometimes questions. You know, I’ve heard different debates and discussions around consent. And even the idea of people maybe not being as aware of, you know, different aspects of the patriarchy. So you hear a lot about couples looking for a third. And they’re often looking for a third who is female identified. And sometimes there’s, there’s a dynamic where they’re, you know, the guy’s uncomfortable with another guy being involved. And that’s an area where people will say, Oh, well, you know, the female partner might not be aware of how unfair that is, or how patriarchal that is, or how, you know, just biased or whatever, whatever it is. First of all, that’s not always the case, right? Like, we don’t know the dynamics of anyone’s relationship. And I think a lot of times, it’s the female partner who’s driving it because she wants an outlet for her bisexuality, right. And so, I think it’s important first and foremost, to realize that it’s only the people in the situation who get to give consent, right, the, the bystanders, or the peanut gallery does not get to give consent. The other thing, though, which I think is a good point, is that you want to be kind of risk aware or educated. So being educated about, you know, patriarchal implications of different sexual scenarios, being educated about safety, right, if somebody is more into the kink community and gets into breath play, they might not realize how dangerous that can be, right, and they might not have the information they need. Or if somebody gets into, you know, tying their partner up, or being tied up with rope, for example, you got to be aware of nerve damage and the potential for that. And so there’s, you know, classes and workshops, and, and things like that, where you can become more risk aware. So I view this as a process, because you’re never going to be 100% educated, and you’re never going to be 100% risk aware. The idea here is like, just do your best, especially if you’re trying something that you’re not super familiar with, especially if you’re trying something that your partner is maybe not familiar with, really take the time, find a few different sources, and educate yourself, read some articles, watch some videos, find somebody who is more experienced and get them to teach you. So it’s okay to go slow. You know, sometimes we get so eager, and our desire to explore new sexual frontiers, which I 100% Encourage, but we can go too fast and missed some of that risk aware and educated piece. So that is one additional note about consent. Another one that I want to mention, and this is one I have unfortunately experienced a bunch of, and I know No, I’m not the only one is pestering and pressuring or not. Okay. And I think there’s some really interesting mixed messages in our culture around this. And so that’s really why I wanted to address this one. I think when it comes to, you know, rape and sexual assault, those really obvious consent violations, we tend to think of it is physical violence, right. And so I think we get it in our heads. You know, as long as we’re not being physically violent with somebody, we’re not committing sexual assault, we are not actually reaping somebody, right. But that’s not true. Okay. And so it’s really important to realize that if someone is not into it, and you just wear them down through pestering or pressuring, and vice versa, if you’re the one kind of being worn down, to realize that’s not consent, right. And so that actually can be sexual assault or rape scenario. Now, where I think we get into some trouble with this is, it is common for people to initially say no, or to initially move someone’s hand away. Right? And then they get more turned on, they get more into it. And then they change their mind and say yes. And that’s fine. Because remember, remember, we started out by saying consent is ongoing, and it can change. So that’s fine. But I think where we can find a happy middle ground is, you know, instead of pestering and pressuring, and like, okay, like, did you change your mind? Or maybe somebody, you know, moved your hand away, and then five minutes later, you’re kind of like, okay, but they see more into it now, should I try again. And so I think this is an area where we can have a meta conversation upfront, just to avoid any kind of gray areas or miscommunications and discuss, hey, let’s just go as far as, you know, hand jobs and fingering today, that’s the furthest we’re gonna go, I don’t want any oral sex, they don’t want any intercourse. And then that way, we can just kind of relax and not have to have that constant every few minutes, someone’s trying something and someone’s getting frustrated, and it just kills the mood. So you could have a meta conversation. If you’re the person who’s initiating more of the, the physical content, the contact, I would say, just try once, right? And don’t try again that evening. And if you’re worried, okay, but what if they change their mind, just let them know, Hey, if you want things to go further, you can lead the way, right? So maybe you kind of initiate one to try something once, if you didn’t get the signals, right, or the other person just not feeling it for whatever reason, let them initiate if they want to go there later, right. And that’s something that can be verbalized, as well. Like, you know, what, I tend to try things once. I don’t like to be pestering or pressuring. So if you if you want to kind of go back there, it’s on you, right. And you can say it in like, six your way than that, too. I’m saying it and kind of a very clear, direct verbal way. But, you know, you can say something like, Okay, well, just so you know, I’m interested or, you know, if you decide you’re interested, you know, feel free to reinitiate that, so you might have to communicate more verbally, and then your relationship, right. But I do want to mention that this pedestrian pressuring is also something I hear about with married couples. And I think that there’s some important emotional and psychological aspects that are going on here when this is happening. So if if one partner has some fantasies that they’re maybe not fully comfortable with, or they haven’t fully talked to their partner about, sometimes it can come up in this pestering or pressuring way, because there’s actually a fear there that there’s a need that’s not going to get met. And so if you notice yourself, or if you notice your partner, you know, moving in this direction that feels like pressure feels like pestering, stop and have the conversation, right, like have a conversation about hey, like, what’s going on here? Seems like there’s a sense of scarcity, where like, you are almost worried if you don’t pester pressure, you’re not gonna get, you know, your needs met, like what, what’s happening here, and usually there is that more vulnerable piece underneath, right? This is assuming a fairly healthy person and a fairly healthy relationship. There’s also times where, you know, somebody maybe is experiencing sexual neglect in the relationship and feeling like, hey, like, if I don’t pester, I’m never gonna get my needs met, you know, and then there’s actually that wound of like, hey, my partner doesn’t realize how much this hurts me that I’m feeling sexually neglected. Right. And I think it’s also important to distinguish having a conversation is not the same as pestering or pressuring. So if you bring up the topic, it doesn’t mean you’re failing to, you know, honor consent, it just means you’re expressing your need, right? It doesn’t mean you’re gonna definitely get your needs met. But you can express your need, and you can express if, you know, hey, I’ve brought this up a bunch of times, and I don’t feel like it’s being taken seriously. And here’s how I’m feeling impacted. Or, hey, I want us to connect, I really want us to have fun and to explore these things. And I want to be able to be open and honest with you about my desires. And to know that that’s going to be welcomed. Like that’s, I’m going to feel so close and connected and truly intimate. You know if we can do that, and so I think really focusing on the positive can be important as well and kind of stating what your positive intention is. So that can be a great way to address these topics. Now, I want to talk about enthusiastic consent because this is the most fun. So when we’re not you know pestering are pressuring. And we’ve been educated and we’re risk aware, and we can manage ourselves. And we know that, you know, consent can be given or taken away at any time, then we’re coming from this really freed up place mentally, emotionally, physically. And we can give enthusiastic consent. And it’s a gift to yourself to give enthusiastic consent. It’s a gift to your partner, and to receive enthusiastic consent to kind of know, this person is not coming from a scarce place or a needy place, they kind of don’t need me, they just want me, right. We all want to feel wanted. And so it’s worth reflecting. If you’re not feeling wanted, how am I undermining that? Is there a way that I’m undermining that with my thoughts, with my feelings with my actions, that’s actually preventing me from getting that enthusiastic consent, right. And I also think that even when you’re in a long term partnership, and you’re having regular sex, it’s still nice to give that enthusiastic consent. And I think that, it’s especially great when you’re trying new things. So if you are in a longer term relationship, and you’re kind of like, whenever we don’t really do consent anymore, or just, like do the same thing every time, that could be a sign to mix it up. Right? That might mean it’s time to try something new, where consent is necessary. And I will also mention with different power dynamics, or with really long term relationships, you might give sort of a blanket consent that, you know, hey, intercourse is generally okay. Or, you know, you might say, I’m okay, if you wake me up in the middle of the night to do something sexual. Or you might say, literally never do that. Not much is more important than my sleep. And so you can have that. But I still think it’s important to honor consent in the moment when there’s a power dynamic in the relationship. So if somebody’s the dominant and somebody’s the submissive, it’s also important to negotiate the consent outside of the power dynamic as much as possible. So if you’re already in those roles, where somebody’s in charge, and somebody’s kind of the obedient one, it can be hard for the submissive person to give genuine consent. Submissive headspace is very different, right? So if someone’s kind of flipped that switch, and they’re in that submissive headspace, they might be inclined to say yes, when they wouldn’t normally say yes. And so in that particular case, it is important to negotiate what is and isn’t Okay, before you get into the sexual scene, as it were. All right. And so keep that in mind. And when you when you negotiate the dominance, Mr. Roles even to discuss, okay, what does that include, for us, that’s gonna look different for everybody. So negotiate the dynamics, then act on them, don’t negotiate those in the moment when you’re already in the dominant and submissive headspace is. So that’s, that’s another important piece to keep in mind. I do think it’s okay to be less verbal, when you when you’re in a longer term relationship, and you have a really good sense of what is and isn’t okay, and you’ve had those conversations upfront. Often, we don’t need to talk about it as much, unless we’re getting into something new. One other important piece that I want people to keep in mind is, when you’re giving consent, talk about what you do want to do, rather than giving a blanket consent of, everything’s fine. Just know, but you know, no bad stuff. I don’t know why that’s my example today. But my example today is bad stuff. So say, I want you to, you know, restrain me, using rope, I want you to do something sensual, and blindfold me and do you know, some kind of ice cube thing on my skin? I want you to go down on me. And do that for 10 minutes before we have intercourse. So those are all very specific things that you’re giving permission for, versus saying, Just do whatever you want, right? Because you don’t know what they’re going to do. And I will say I’ve made this mistake, and then quickly realized, Oh, I didn’t say do whatever. And I didn’t mean that. So I do want to be clear, we almost never actually mean that. So don’t give that blanket consent. So you want to you want to sort of opt in to specific activities rather than opting out of just one or two and saying everything else is okay. That’s going to be the safer way to do it. Especially with you know, newer partners, people are not as familiar with that kind of thing. So, at the end of the day, make sure that you are giving enthusiastic consent, and make sure your partner is giving enthusiastic consent. I also want to be clear this is regardless of gender, right? Like I said, there, we tend to think of consent, you know, Hey, as long as you’re not physically violent, it’s all good. But emotional pressure in the pestering thing is real. And that happens regardless of gender. So be aware of that. Embrace it, look for it, check with your partner, like, Hey, are you are you definitely into this? Sometimes there’s an assumption, right? Like, oh, we have sex every night before bed or, you know, Sunday’s when we have sex. And it’s important to just get ourselves out of that, like assumptive presumptive pattern and bring more of that consciousness to it. Because when you know someone is super into you super excited and giving you that enthusiastic consent. There’s not much that sexier than that. Right? So here’s the feeling wanted us to consent and here’s to amazing communication around sexuality. Thanks, everybody for listening and I will catch you next time. Are you feeling stuck or shameful and your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life, and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
