13 Is Monogamy Realistic?
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, welcome to our episode about Nagamine today. So we’re going to be looking at how realistic is monogamy? What are some of the options with non monogamy if you’re open to that? And what’s realistic? Like what what are humans capable of? So let’s get into it. Basically, what I have read in the past and which I find pretty interesting is that anthropology as a field has found that there’s a human tendency to be serial monogamous, plus having affairs. And I think that’s based on recent history. If you go further back, kind of before you know westernized culture and society, there was a lot of non monogamy, or at least it was more accepted. And it’s my personal opinion, I’m very pro freedom, that this is not something that should be regulated, you should really be able to be with whoever you want to be with, and however many people you want to be with. So you’ll probably notice this throughout my podcast that I’m really not into a one size fits all approach to sexuality, or relationships, what I’m really into is you doing what you want to do, for reasons that feel right and authentic to you. So it’s like, the more we are in alignment with ourselves, the more we are coming from a place of security, and confidence, and love for ourselves and others, the more likely it’s going to be that we find the right path for ourselves. And so that’s really what I want for you guys, is to find the right path. And so my hope with this episode is that we can just shed some light on the different options and how to kind of know, what is the right path for you. So I will also add I’m very pro honesty, I don’t think it’s always easy to be honest. I also think there’s cases where being honest, is really more about you unburdening yourself and trying to have some kind of relief of guilt than it is for the other person or for the relationship. And so it’s good to be aware, where, where are you coming from? Are you coming from that self energy that competence and security? Are you coming from a part of you that feeling wounded, and that’s also a way in which we can kind of evaluate if we’re on the right path for us. And if we’re making the right choices, I also feel like language is very limiting. So the idea of making the quote unquote, right choices is kind of an illusion, is there really a right choice? Is there really a wrong choice? I don’t think so. And I think while we’re in that place of figuring it out, and uncertainty, that we just kind of need to try some things and see what truly works for us. So notice how you feel as I’m talking about monogamy as I’m talking about some of the non monogamous options that are out there. What feels exciting to you, what feels true to you, what feels energizing to you? What can you really be present with? So just kind of notice that stuff as you’re listening, right? Okay, so how does the Pro or the Culture Program us? Because it does, right, we can’t really exist. In a family, we can’t really exist in a society without being conditioned to how things are. And so you’re going to notice a lot of what I talk about is about questioning our conditioning in general. And really not just taking whatever is handed to us and running with it. But kind of taking was handed to us being aware of it, being curious, seeing what else is out there. And then making a choice from that place, right? So sometimes we might go with how we’re conditioned. And that might work great for us. But when it’s a conscious choice, it’s going to be much more empowered and much more likely to work for us than when we’re just kind of going with the default settings that we’ve been handed. Right. So the idea of the relationship escalator, and this is obviously a simplified version. The idea of it is that you meet someone, you have some kind of attraction. There’s some kind of courtship, which usually starts to involve some sexual contact is contact. And there’s then an escalating, right? There’s an escalating of Ooh, let’s be in a relationship. Let’s be Exclusive, let’s get engaged. Let’s get married. Let’s buy a house together. Let’s have kids together. And let’s grow old together. Right? It’s kind of that happily ever after story. And that story doesn’t really involve having sex with other people having different relationships. The idea that success in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s a relationship that lasts your whole life. Success can mean it’s a relationship that you learned a lot from. It’s a relationship that was sort of a container for you to experience some personal growth and development. It could be a relationship that you really enjoyed most of the time, and just kind of ran its course. And then you guys got clear that like, hey, this was amazing. And we kind of want different things. Now, we’re not really on the same page anymore. And that can still be a successful relationship. So one thing I hear from people a lot is like, Oh, we broke up, I failed, right? Or we got divorced, I failed. And I just don’t look at it that way. You know, and this could also be because I come from divorced parents, it was 100%, the right choice for them to get divorced. And seeing that from sort of the inside perspective of a family was kind of empowering in that way, right? Like trying to force to puzzle feet pieces that don’t fit doesn’t sound like a great plan for anyone’s happiness, or success or development, right sounds like staying stuck and miserable, and maybe even making people around you miserable. So that’s important to keep in mind too. And there’s a lot of conditioning around that, around that, you know, success or failure and success, meaning like marriage success, meaning long term success, meaning you just make it work no matter what. But I am pro happiness. I’m pro fun, I’m pro growth. And, you know, you get to choose your own values, too. You might be like, You know what, I’m pro commitment. And then other stuff is not as important to me. And that’s fine, right? You just kind of have to do what feels right for you. So being aware of that, though, is where we become empowered. So realizing like, Oh, this is just the default settings I was handed, that doesn’t mean I can’t change the settings on my sex and relationships, right? And then we can we can start experimenting and seeing what works for us. So in terms of monogamy, non monogamy specifically, I’m pretty agnostic on this issue. I think there’s benefits to both. I think there’s some really interesting things happening with polyamory and non monogamy, because people who pursue that have, by default had to question the conditioning, that they were handed from society, right? You don’t wind up on kind of a more unconventional path unless you’ve done some questioning, and have become more conscious about it. And so even if you decide to stay monogamous, that’s something I think that we can learn from polyamory is how to start questioning how to really figure out what pieces of the relationship escalator or whatever it is, you’ve been taught, are working for me and which pieces are not. Right. And so my own experience with this is that, you know, I was in a longer term relationship broke up with somebody after, you know, a little over two years, and sort of questioning, right, like, hey, there’s some sexual things that I haven’t explored yet. I don’t fully know myself until I’ve kind of done some of that exploration. Right. And so I did. And so from that experience, you know, I did dip my toe in some non monogamous pools, if you will. And some of it was amazing. And some of it was like, no, no, my nervous system can’t handle this, right. But so I’m actually still in a place where I’m not set on one path or another. For me, the driver is going to be meeting somebody I connect with showing up authentically communicating really openly and honestly, and making decisions about what will work in that relationship. And so it could also be different relationship to relationship. I think there’s a lot of people who could go either way, with monogamy or non monogamy, they could be really happy with one person for many years. And they can also feel secure in a connection where their partner is sleeping with other people or dating other people or even in love with other people. Right? And that doesn’t mean that jealousy or insecurities won’t come up because they will because we’re human. And by the way, they will also come up in a monogamous relationship. So I think it’s important to realize that you know, monogamy is not sort of this protective mechanism. I think sometimes we seek monogamy because we’re looking for a sense of see purity from the outside, or we think that if we just walk this person in, you know, especially if we get married to them, then we’re going to feel a certain way. So just notice that for yourself, right. And we can even pursue marriage and monogamy from sort of a status point of view, like, hey, look, I was chosen, or somebody wants to be with me, and it’s kind of this, this way to prop ourselves up a bit. And on the other hand, we can also marry somebody because we really want to share our journey with this person. And this is somebody who we connect with, and we share values with and we can be our full selves with, right, and we can pursue it from that point of view. And so you can actually make a choice you can make the two people can make the same choice from very different places, and also then wind up with different results. So the thoughts we’re having the emotions, we’re having kind of the energy we’re bringing to it, oh, really, really matter in terms of like the outcome of enjoying the relationship and feeling aligned with ourselves. So that’s important to keep in mind, too. And so, like I said, so I did some exploring of non monogamy, you know, dating different people dating someone who was dating other people himself. And I do think there’s pros and cons, I think, that it can be a tough path to navigate, and actually made a YouTube video about this topic with my friend, Peter. So I’ll link to that in the shownotes. But one of the things that we really realized is how do you know which one is a better fit for you, even if you are kind of exploring, like, what do you listen to? What do you pay attention to? And so the thing that we realized was that, you know, and Peter is polyamorous is that he felt really energized, by communicating with different people, you know, making plans with different people, maintaining the different relationships, learning and growing and developing as a human from those different connections and relationships. Whereas for me, some of my experiences, not all, but some of my experiences, and there have been a handful of dating people and more of a non monogamous situation has been, you know, maybe there wasn’t a secure enough connection to begin with, right? Maybe this is somebody who wasn’t kind of showing up on the level that I would have wanted. And I will also say the, the communication level, like skill level, that’s required to have a successful experience of non monogamy and polyamory, it’s high, it’s higher than monogamy. Right? So look, if you have one relationship to manage, it’s still a lot, in my opinion, right? There’s a lot of energy that goes into it, there’s, there’s the communication piece, there’s trying to really understand this person, they’re trying to really understand yourself, and maybe some of your protective defense mechanisms that show up in your relationship. And it’s not easy. And so when you magnify that by multiple partners, and then also the intersection of the multiple partners, right, because that adds a whole nother level of emotion and sometimes drama, and hurt feelings, and maybe, like, missteps or mistakes that are happening. It’s exponentially, you know, more challenging. And I think some people thrive in that, because they like that challenge. And it’s energizing to them and it’s invigorating. And there’s this experience of you know, newness, right. And so I think there’s benefit to both, there’s benefit to being with the same person for a long time, because we might get a little bored, we might fall into a little bit of a rut with our sex life, we might enjoy certain aspects still, but you know, that initial high in in the polyamorous or non monogamous community, people call it new relationship energy, there’s like that buzz, right? When it’s a newer person, and like, we’ve got the hormones going. And we kind of have that like, high level of passion. And then, you know, research has also shown that like, once you get past, like, for sure, the two year mark, but maybe even before, then we go from this high level of like, you know, attraction and passion and intensity to kind of more of this maintenance level, right. And so I think there’s some real growth opportunities, working at that maintenance level, where it’s not just the hormones driving everything, it’s like, okay, so when we’re in this longer term, maybe pretty stable relationship that’s like, you know, solid and good. How do we manage boredom? How do we keep things exciting? How do we give ourselves you know, little, little boosts within that relationship and setting? How do we even just accept and be with some of the boredom that happens, or manage our desire to explore even if we’re not going to act on it? So growth has to be had over there as well. Now, with non monogamy and polyamory, the growth might be different, right? It’s me a different type of growth. And so I kind of want to make it clear like you can grow and either pay If there’s not a right or wrong, it’s kind of just like choose your own adventure and what challenge Do you want. So, if you do decide to explore non monogamy, I’m also going to link to this book in the show notes called the ethical sloth provocative title kind of fun. I used to have it in my therapy office, when I did in person work because the words on the spine were so visible. And I liked that because I made people realize, like, Hey, you can talk to me about sex. And you can talk to me about non monogamy like it’s okay, so it was almost like a little little statement of sex positivity in my office. But it’s a great book. And what I love about it is it explores different types of non monogamy. So you can do anything from you know, being a swinger, where you have a primary partner, that’s kind of your emotional commitment. And you explore some kind of sexual activities with other people, you might hear the term soft swap, where there’s no penetration happening, or a full swap. And you can, you know, so this, this might be two couples, swapping partners, it could be in the same room, it could be in different rooms. So there’s all sorts of different approaches to that. And the idea, though, is that you kind of have that one person that you’re emotionally and romantically committed to, but you’re sexually non monogamous. But it’s a shared experience, it’s something you’re kind of doing together, generally speaking, I do think once people start going down these paths, they might have a couple of friends that they have sex, whether that they swap with. And if you keep hanging out with the same people, over time, some feelings may develop. And there might be some imbalance and feelings, it could be that, you know, one, Partner A from the first couple of Partner B from the second couple have like a super tight connection, but their partners don’t have as tight of a connection. And so there’s a lot of dynamics still to navigate. There’s also open relationships. And so that’s gonna look like being with one primary partner, again, kind of the same idea it was with Swingers, where you have one kind of emotional, romantic partner that you’re committed to, but then you’re also dating other people, and an open relationship that dating can often be something that is done separately. And so you have to decide like, what are our boundaries? And how do we want to pace ourselves? And how much do we want to know about each other’s dating? And you can go from there, right? Dan Savage has coined the term monogamish, right, which might just be Hey, we’re generally monogamous. But maybe you get a hall pass a couple times a year while you’re traveling. And I’m still want to know about it. Right? So there’s There’s salt infinite really, ways to approach non monogamy? And the considerations need to be how much do we want to take on? How much do we want to be communicating about this, especially the first couple years of exploring non monogamy with a partner, there needs to be so much communication. I think that once people get into a longer term non monogamous pattern, that kind of communication burden does tend to decrease because you’ve solved a lot of the things already. But know that upfront, it could be a somewhat long period of really having to put a lot of energy into this. And then there’s full on polyamory where you have, you know, multiple partners that you love, there’s so might be one partner that you’re married to. And sometimes they call that a nesting partner, if it’s somebody that you live with, but you couldn’t, you know, I know people who have had 1012 year long relationships with a partner that’s polyamorous that they don’t live with, right. And people will often criticize non monogamy and say, like, Oh, those things never last. Well, sometimes they do, as I just mentioned, but also, the vast majority of monogamous relationships don’t last either, right. And so I think we just need to look at relationships are just challenging. And I do think that non monogamous relationships have some added layers of complexity, that can present additional challenges. And that’s why it’s really important to do the evaluation for yourself is, am I willing and interested in putting in this level of energy and work? Right? So when I’m working with couples who want to open up their marriage, or even people who are ready have an open relationship? There’s a lot of considerations. One of the things that I see happen a lot is one partner wants to go faster, right? And so part of what I try to do is slow people down a little bit. So they’re not making decisions from a place of urgency or scarcity or fear that they’re not going to get their needs met. And they’re able to really kind of set the groundwork with each other of what is this going to look like, you know, what risk might this posed to our relationship? How do we want to manage that? What kind of boundaries do we want to set for ourselves and for each other? How much do we want to know about what the other one’s doing? You know what happens and this is a big one. What happens if you start developing more feelings for someone else and I’m not really comfortable with it, right? As like it can get dicey guys, like shit gets real. But at the same time, people can be so energized in such a beautiful way and experience so much growth because our Relationships mirror back to us so much about ourselves, right. And so a lot of the people I see who choose polyamory are really embracing it as a growth path, right. And there’s a way to let go of conditioning. And there’s a way to bring more open and honest communication. And I see that a lot of people who choose that path are doing a ton of work on themselves. Right. That’s pretty cool stuff. So at the same time, I don’t want over glamorize it. Like it can be hard AF. So there’s not a right or wrong decision. Again, it’s just noticing for yourself. And if this is something where you’re, you know, you’re in a monogamous relationship, and you’re curious about bringing it up, I do think it’s important to put it on the table. That doesn’t mean you have to act on it. I’ve also worked with couples where, you know, it’s, quote, unquote, been on the table for years, and they just haven’t acted on it, right. And I like that idea where it’s like, let’s just have everything beyond the table where there’s nothing that’s like off limits to talk about in our relationship, because that’s, I think, where we really get into trouble when we just kind of relegate sex, and maybe unconventional relationship dynamics to like the dark basement corner of our psyche. That’s where shame can come in, and fear can come in and then that can start taking over the relationship. So be conscious, communicate, be authentic, explore if you want to. I’m here to help if you need some support in that process. And thank you guys so much for listening, and I will catch you next Monday. Are you feeling stuck or shameful in your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life, and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
