14 Why “Self Love” Is Annoying
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hey, everybody, I’m back. And we are going to talk about why self love is annoying. Or whatever, just because like, it’s yeah, it’s a weird thing to say. But the reason I wanted to make a Self Love Episode is because you hear this tossed around, like, all the time, and I’m just gonna be honest with you, like, I’m kind of sick of it, you just have to love yourself first. If you just love yourself, like, everything will be okay, or, you know, then you can find love with someone else, or, you know, actually really love RuPaul. But RuPaul says, you know, you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love anyone else? And I somewhat agree. But I also somewhat disagree. We’re gonna get into some of the nuances with self love. And you know, what does it mean? And what do you need to do? Or not do? And do you even need to do anything or not do anything. So, what I don’t want, though, and why I wanted to do this episode is because I don’t want this idea of, I have to love myself perfectly, or on a certain level, where I have to sort of achieve a certain type of self love or a manifestation of self love, and then then I can have a healthy relationship, then, you know, I can be a happy person, whatever it is, and because I almost think it becomes this, like, mythical thing, you know, like, what is self love? How do you know if you love yourself? Enough? Right? Like, I think I love myself. But like, I don’t know, like, you know, you can’t like, measure it. There’s, you know, it’s a concept. It’s a construct. So, I don’t want us to get lost in the weeds on this construct. You know, I think there’s some benefits of it. Right? Maybe it encourages this idea of self care, or healing 100% on board with these things, right. And I also think they can just be like a mental obstacle. So like, let’s not do that part. Alright, so I want to also point out, I might have mentioned this in a different episode, but I was Buddhist, for a solid 13 years, until both places wound up having sex scandals, interestingly enough, but yeah, so there was there’s a lot I learned from Buddhism and now, I probably follow or follow Eckhart Tolle, more so than anything else in terms of spirituality, and both Buddhism and Eckhart Tolle talked about, you know, this idea of like, no self, or non duality, so I’m gonna break that down a little bit. Okay, so, we are so focused as a culture on self, right. And also just like our little egos, right, which are cute, and we’re not trying to get rid of them. But we’re so focused on self, our self esteem, you know, our body image, our relationships, our identity, our status, our income, our sexual orientation, our relationship status, or gender identity. So there’s the there’s all these things that we kind of grasp onto our roles, such as, you know, this is my job, or like, I am a daughter, or I am a mother or I’m a child, or I am a you know, whatever. And, you know, that like, that’s accurate, hello to like, That’s not who we are, right? Who we are, is really the self energy, which I talked about, I think in the emotions of sex episode, which was one of the early ones. So you know, who we are matters. On some level, right? Like we all are a little bit unique. We’re all gonna express in a different way. But the idea is instead of loving ourselves, what if we just are so it’s almost more of this like neutral concept? So instead of like, oh, I have to have like an opinion about myself or I have to have certain positive thoughts toward myself. There’s kind of this concept of no self, right? Like, what if we’re not grasping on to all these different identities, all these different concepts that are really coming from From the ego, because then if there’s no self, there’s kind of like no other, either. Right? And just with everything that’s been going on the last few years, I think it’s an important concept. What if we stop othering? What if we stop gripping on to our identities, even due to the idea of being right? That goes along with this as well? Then you get to this concept of non duality where we’re all one, right? It sounds very, like flower child, like, hippie dippie, whatever. And, like, it kind of is right. That was an important revolution, you know, the whole hippie era era for our country. And I’ve always said, I’m like half entrepreneur, half hippies. You need a little bit of a hippie side today. Yeah, this idea really fits with internal family systems, too. Right. And I always think it’s so fascinating. When we have, you know, smart spiritual guy, Eckhart Tolle Maart, spiritual guide, the Buddha, and then also internal family systems, they’re all pointing to the same thing, right? Because our self energy is our highest higher consciousness. And it’s this spacious, I think the is spacious energy, and it’s infinite. And it’s this idea that we’re all an expression of source energy. And I’m going to do a shout out to my one of my best friends, Melissa de Silva, who’s an artist, she just posted on Instagram today about her art and like that her art is an extension of her, but also that she is her art. And I kind of think of it like, whatever you believe religiously or spiritually, like, there’s some sort of creative, lifeforce energy or we wouldn’t exist, right. And so whatever that is, however, you want to conceptualize that we are an expression of that. And so it’s kind of like we are the art of the artist, and the artist is the art, right? So that, that’s kind of what I’m trying to get at. So like we’re all going to, we’re all going to be different types of expressions. Awesome. But really, like, the essence is like, we’re all one, you know, this, the separateness is more of an illusion. So I bring that up, because self love is kind of, you know, it’s still referencing the self. And so I think it’s actually it’s falling slightly short for me spiritually, you know, it’s still kind of attaching to all these identities and all that stuff. So now I’m gonna flip to the other side, and talk about how self love can be important. So self love is important. I’m kind of a day to day basis, right? I just talked about the very, very deep level, like our essence, who we are. Now I’m going to talk more about the relative level like, Okay, how they’re, you know, we still live in this world, we still need to function, we still need to pay our bills, right, we still need to have a job, regardless of how much we identify with it. So some of the ways I do think self love can be important, or the concept of self love can be helpful to us, is body appreciation. So, you know, sometimes people say they have body image problems or body dysmorphia, or eating disorders. And I think body appreciation can be such an amazing tool. It’s something that like, I really focus on quite a bit. And the mantra sort of that I have that you’re welcome to borrow, is that, like, her bodies are doing, like 99.9% of the things. Amazingly, at any given moment that we’re alive, like, just to keep us alive. They’re doing so many complex things at the same time. And just like, we’re like walking miracles, right? So I think when we look at it on that level, to then be like, Oh, my God, I look kind of chubby today, or like, I don’t feel sexy, or whatever, not to dismiss that. It’s still your experience. It’s still something to work through. But I think really focusing on body appreciation can help put that in perspective for us, you know, where it’s like, maybe it’s okay, if I don’t have my eyelash extensions on today. I’m not talking about me because I don’t wear them. But, you know, or maybe it’s okay, if I’m not wearing the most flattering outfit to the gym. Or maybe it’s okay, if I’m not having like, my best hair day, in my opinion, right? Because my body is still a miracle. So I think it’s just about perspective. And so often like working with clients on you know, negative thoughts about their bodies, you know, not feeling sexy, not feeling like anyone’s ever going to love them. You know, it’s like we’re losing sight of the miracle of existence which we are a part of, so can like extra spiritual state and no, I was gonna get into all this. I also think this comes into play for me as a as a sex therapist with general self love, because I definitely grew up being like, oh, Like, vaginas are weird or like evolved was I didn’t even know the word evolve. I don’t think I knew the word vagina till I was like nine. But, you know, it was like, oh, like, Oh, that’s weird or whatever. And there was something about like, penises are just out there and they’re just like, you know, just a phallic thing. And it’s just there were I think, you know, vagina is involved as, in seem more mysterious, you know, like, what’s going on there. And then you kind of, like, hear things about like, smell, and then like, periods being like, whatever, whatever, and not fun, and no one likes them and cramps. And, you know, and then people making jokes about women being hormonal, and how that flit, you know, like crazy around the period, or I can tell blah, blah, blah. So just all these little comments that we make in society. You know, I see a lot of women that have not a great relationship with their genitals don’t want to touch their genitals, kind of uncomfortable with masturbation, maybe it does get in the way of their sex life. And I think the more we can realize that our genitals regardless of you know, what genitals you have, are still part of your miraculous human body. Right? And our sexuality is also part of her miraculous human body. So I just kind of want everyone to listen to this. And kind of be like, Wow, I’m a goddamn miracle. Like, if everyone could feel that way, I’d feel so happy. So let me know if this is doing anything for you. But also masturbation, right? I think so many people are brought up thinking, Oh, masturbation is bad. And, you know, all these messages are kind of implanted in us from society, from religion, school, family, church, whatever. And what if, you know, masturbation and orgasm are just great and healthy, and like, part of how the body works, and maybe a different aspects, you know, and I look at it in terms of the internal family systems parts work, you know, we have some hearts that are running our daily lives, we have lots of parts that are like trying to be responsible, trying to be productive, trying to be good enough, you know, feeling pressure, feeling anxiety, and managing all of that. And then the sexual parts can feel so different, I think, but it’s so interesting to explore those, and sometimes does involve some shadow work for people, which is this idea that, you know, not everything’s rainbows and sunshine, nor does it have to be, and we can be kind of as complex beings that maybe we’ve got some parts that feel like rainbows and sunshine, and we’ve got other parts that are dark, even dark humor, right? dark aspects of our sexuality. And that doesn’t always have to be bad, right? We want to make sure that we’re being consensual with other people. You know, consenting adults is kind of the only requirement. I think educated risk aware, we talked about that in a different episode, too, right? risk aware, consenting adults, is what I would say. But then beyond that, it’s like, okay, cool, like, enjoy yourselves, explore these other parts of you explore these other aspects of who you are. Alright, one other thing I want to say is that our relationships are going to mirror whatever psychodramas we have going on. So whatever beliefs we have about ourselves, whatever beliefs we have about relationships, we act those out in our relationships, which is such a so fascinating. And I will say it’s much easier to see it with other people. So if you’re kind of like, I don’t know what you’re talking about Heather, I am drama free. And so perfect. Look at your friends, look at your family members, because you’re gonna see it, right, you’re gonna see somebody who’s using sexual validation, you’re gonna see somebody who maybe doesn’t even like the person they’re with that much, but just really likes the attention. You’re gonna see people who are, you know, sticking relationships that like, really aren’t working for them on some levels, you’re gonna see people avoiding relationships, who you know, want to be on in them in some way. Maybe don’t want to be vulnerable or don’t want to be so invested and you know, doesn’t feel safe for them. So if you don’t see it with yourself, yet, see what you notice with other people, right, and when you can kind of observe relationships. And you know, I get to do this for a living too, which is cool. You can also see that you attract people who are at a similar level of functioning, who are at a similar level of consciousness to you. And this is not to say that like all some people are like, so advanced, but the idea is actually that you’re 100% lovable, regardless of like, where you’re at with healing things or still enacting psychodramas and stories you have about yourself and relationships. And this is where I also want to share that a big point I wanted to make with this episode, is that you don’t have to love yourself first. Right? Sometimes you see other people who are struggling with issues and you’re able to love them, and you’re able to see like, wow, like they’re in it and they’re like trying and they’re working through things. And they’re kind of a hot mess, but it’s like this beautiful mess and they have so much to offer and give even though they are a little messy right now. And then sometimes it’s like oh if that applies to me, too, I get it now. And so I had that experience, you know, I was in a 12 step program for, I don’t know, seven years or something like that, I thought I’d be in it forever. And then I just kind of moved in a different direction. But you know, it was through that program, where I was able to see other people and it was the food program, I was able to see other people struggling with food and over eating, and how hard they would be on themselves sometimes. And it was actually through that, that I was like, stop being so hard on yourself. Like, it’s okay, like how you eat does not define your worth, right, like whether or not you’re struggling with alcohol does not define your worth, you know, maybe you have a porn addiction that does not define your worth. I want to say that again, like, if you would ever vise you have going on whatever addiction you have going on, it does not define your worth, your bank account does not define your worth, your weight does not define your worth, your relationship status does not define your worth. Okay, but for me, I was able to kind of learn that from the outside in. And so that’s where I kind of feel like when we focus too much on self love, we’re kind of making it seem like this is one directional thing, where first you have to be in this place of self love, then you can experience all these things from the outside in, right? But it couldn’t be first you love someone else. And you learn from that kind of like I did in my 12 Step experience. Or, first somebody loves you. And it’s like, oh, maybe I am lovable. Maybe I can be as kind of myself about my body, for example, this was a common one is my partner is I think our partners usually like our bodies. And I think we’re usually kind of jerks to ourselves, on average in general. All right, and then I mentioned this, but I want to reiterate, I do encourage self energy, that higher consciousness, that inner security, that kind of not abandoning ourselves, but I also believe other people can help. And I also believe we can do this from the outside in. So I’m actually going to have a guest in the semi near future, who will talk more about this concept of feeling good from the outside in. So it could be the clothes we wear. It could be you know, getting a haircut, some kind of little makeover thing could be dressing just more in alignment with your personality, kind of expressing the real you more on a day to day basis. And that kind of alignment, I think actually taps into our self energy. So basically, the great news is, everything leads you in the right direction. So whether you’re kind of building security, from the inside out, from the outside, in, in your love for other people and receiving love from other people, it’s all good. And it all works. So I am going to link in the show notes to Eckhart Tolle video on direct experiencing. And the idea here is that, you know, when we’re directly experiencing, we’re not turning everything into a concept. We’re not grasping onto these labels and these identities, and I’m actually going to do a whole episode on on that concept to labels and identities, you know, but we’re just being, you know, we’re kind of using our senses, we’re taking it in without having to label so even if you see a tree, it’s not just like, oh, there’s a green tree, and the leaf looks like this. And if I drew it, I would do it like this, or, you know, we’re not analyzing, it’s not like studying, it’s just could be, wow. And that’s it. There’s like a sense of awe, right? Even labeling it a tree is a concept. So anyways, Eckhart says it much better than me. So check it out. But yeah, realize that self is kind of a concept. It’s a little bit of an illusion. And if you’re struggling with self concept, that could be good news for you, too. We’re like, maybe you just kind of let go a little bit of the concept of self and see if that works for you. So thank you all for listening so much, and I will catch you next week. Are you feeling stuck or shameful in your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life, and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co. Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get stuck. arted I can’t wait to work with you
