15 Unlearning Sex Negativity
This is the ask a sex therapist podcast helping you change the way you look at sex. I’m Heather Shannon. And in a world full of sexual censorship, I’ll give you the raw truth about pleasure, intimacy in your relationships and enjoying your body, because it’s time for you to ask a sex therapist. Hello, amazing listeners. We are here today to talk about sex negativity, and how to frickin unlearn it. Because it’s like, why have a job? So we’re going to talk about, you know, sex education, Canada sucking and falling short. What does sex negativity even mean? What is sex positivity, we’re going to get into some thought and model stuff. And I’m going to kick it off by telling you some of the messages I got growing up about sex and what is sexy. So one of the first memories I have is, I think I was four in preschool. And I would run around after this boy who I thought was really cute. And my friend also thought he was cute. And I think we both ran around after him and tried to kiss them. And it’s really interesting, you know, now 40, to to think back to when I was four. And to see that there was no, there was no self consciousness, there was no sort of internalized idea of playing games, when you like someone. Yeah, like that stuff hadn’t, there was no gender roles, sort of internalization about, you know, oh, a guy should probably initiate most of the time, right. And there was just a sense of confidence. And, you know, in my little being and who I was, and going for what I want. Now, consent is also important. Actually think that should be taught at a very young age, don’t just chase people and try to pin them and kiss them without their consent. So we still have some stuff to learn, right. But I think it’s really interesting to know, certain things hadn’t been internalized yet. Right. And then, later on, you know, I went through CCD, which is, you know, basically Sunday school for Catholics. And, you know, the messages I got there were that, you know, sex is a sin, and you shouldn’t masturbate either. And you should only really have sex once you’re married, but I didn’t grow up, like in a very, you know, fundamentalist religious type of situation. And so it was really a mixed message, because it was sort of this is what you’re supposed to do, you know, wait till marriage, but like, 98% of y’all aren’t actually doing that. Okay, that’s confusing. And then sex is being used to sell things. You know, sex is portrayed in art. I remember my mom saying, Oh, well, if it’s an art, then it’s okay. There’s not like lewd, or whatever. I was like, okay, but then it’s also in you know, sex is in movies. And it’s something that can be glamorize. It’s something that can be romanticized. But at the same time, you’re like, Okay, it’s a sin, this is so confusing. And then I don’t think I learned the word vagina until I was like, nine. And we just call them private parts in our household. And I think even that idea of like, oh, you’re not supposed to talk about these, you’re not supposed to, like, say the word, we have to have like a different word for them. And so I think that that, for me created a little bit of a sense of, you know, shame or just comfort, when I do see that with a lot of my clients as well. And then, you know, sex education isn’t allowed to tell you anything positive about sex in public schools. And so it was all fear mongering, it was like, oh, abstinence is the only solution. And, you know, you can get this disease, and you can get that disease and you’re pregnant and like, ruin your life. And I kind of had this idea that it was like, you know, really, like bad or trashy if you, you know, had sex at a certain age or got pregnant at a certain age. And so it was like, Oh, I can’t do that. It’s also fascinating, because when I was a high school counselor, the reverse is true. I think it actually really depends where you grow up and who you’re surrounded by. But in a lot of circles of teenagers, you know, there could be kids that are 15. They’re like, Oh, my gosh, I haven’t haven’t lost my V card, right. And I think even that whole idea of virginity, or a V card is another thing that we learn, you know, and I think, as a woman, you’re kind of taught like, Oh, don’t give it up too easily. Or, you know, back in the day, certainly, it’s like brides were worth more if they were a virgin. And so there’s, you know, some carryovers for that, that, you know, maybe people if people take sex too casually, that that’s like a bad thing, or it doesn’t mean anything to them, or that it’s the same with all their partners because they’re just like social and casual. And these are just like all assumptions, right? I had judgment. You know, I had judgment of people who were more are sexually active, which is, you know, it’s interesting, I became a sex therapist. I’ve let go of like a lot, love and judgment. But I kind of share this too, just to let people know that like, it’s okay. Wherever you’re at on your journey, the important thing is like be on the journey, right? Like, I don’t think it’s any of our faults that we were, you know, educated in this way. It’s like, this is the culture we grow up in. And you can’t control that this is like the way we’re conditioned to relate to people. So I think that we are all responsible for solving it, though. So it’s like, okay, well, we’re all here. This is what it is now. And it’s not working. So, yeah, like, what do we do with those messages? And I think education is so important. Even the fact that you guys are listening to this podcast right now is like, you’re on your journey, right? Like you’re gonna get there. And you might not even know where there is, right? Where it’s like, just, we’re all kind of along for the ride, which I think is a good thing. And to kind of really drive home the point of, you know, conditioning versus being unconditioned. Watch, the funniest video is like the cutest thing ever, and this panda on Instagram, and it was just, you know, like, playful. It was like somersaulting around, and then it kind of like paused and like, played with his genitals a little bit, just kind of like looked at him. And then it was like, you know, frolicking and somersaulting more. And it was fascinating for me, just to see this like real, like natural kind of like innocence, right? If you have a pet, you know, cat, my cats with their by all the time. If you have a cat, you know, this is just like a thing. But zero self consciousness, right. And so I think one of the gifts and the challenges of being a human is that we are conscious, we have this self awareness. And so that can lead to self consciousness. And, you know, fear of like, how are we being judged, like what’s normal, and it goes back to this sense of belonging, you know, we have to be acceptable, we have to be a certain way to belong. And I think the more we can kind of undo that, really in all areas of life. But definitely when it comes to sex, the better right? This panda didn’t know there was anything to be shameful about. It was kind of like this is a body part, just like all my other body parts. And, you know, maybe this body part feels good to touch, or maybe different body part feels good to touch. But the idea that there’s no shame in it, like doesn’t occur to this really cute panda, which by the way I did, I did a duet or stitch or whatever with the panda. So you can check it out on my Instagram. And this concept from Buddhism of beginner’s mind, you know, it really reminded me of that. It’s like, There’s something so fresh about this panda just being so playful and comfortable with its body, including its genitals. So that’s like a beginner’s mind. It’s kind of like, Oh, I didn’t, I didn’t know how you’re quote unquote, supposed to behave, or supposed to do something. And a lot of times when we try something new in life in general, like maybe you’re gonna try you know, indoor rock climbing, or maybe you’re going to go parasailing. Oftentimes, the first time, we’re just like, oh, wow, because we don’t know what to expect. There’s no like, set of beliefs about this activity, or hobby or whatever it is. And we just kind of are like, present, right? I kind of joke with myself even that it’s like a way of cheating it being present. Because you know, I love trying new things in general. So I’m sharing that because we’ve all tried new things before, right? We’ve all been been a beginner. And I’m curious, like, what if, you know, if we’re unlearning this sex negativity, some of the negative messages we got around sex? What does that look like? It looks like beginner’s mind. It’s like we are wiping the slate clean of all of this bullshit, frankly, that we’ve been taught. And not only like, bullshit, we some of its scientifically accurate, right? So we’ll call it all bullshit. But it’s very slanted, right? We’re we’re kind of given these mixed messages. And then we’re given some like, kind of slanted messages. And then the government gets involved and tries to control our sex lives and our love lives and who we can marry and you know, what we can do with our bodies. And there’s some law that just passed in Tennessee, but you can’t have like, outdoor drag shows, and, you know, could be a way to kind of potentially oppress trans people. And it’s just like, we have to accept that at the end of the day. We can’t control other people, you know, we can put consequences in place we can set our own boundaries and like a society. Yeah, I mean, government can do what it wants, but at the end of the day, you still can’t control people. And so if we’re fighting with reality, if we’re fighting that there’s people out there that are different than us, people out there that disagree with us. We’re gonna lose that battle like fighting reality, you always lose. So, anyway, so if we’re able We get to a place of just acceptance, right? And instead of worrying so much about other people figuring out what do we want? What path do we want to be on? How do we want to be as a sexual being? How do we want to express ourself as a sexual being. And you can use this panda example, to notice, how are you different than the band up. So when I was watching it, I noticed just how unselfconscious The piano was. And also, just the level of playfulness and frolicking. And you know, this energy of like freedom, and there’s something just so joyful about it. And I think that we also, you know, in our efforts to kind of center ourselves or to like, contain ourselves in a neat little box, that, you know, maybe we’re losing some of that joy, and playfulness. And playfulness is also just such a great quality to bring to sex, I think it’s really important to not take ourselves too seriously. Yeah, especially when we’re trying something new. When we’re with a new partner, if we’re trying to make changes with our existing partner with our sex life to you know, keep that playfulness and not take things too seriously. But notice what comes up for you. I mean, if there’s a sense of self consciousness, or there’s a sense of, you know, oh, my God, I would like never touch my genitals ever, or in like, what do you make that mean? And so, you can also go back through what were you taught about sex, you know, I would encourage you to do some journaling about it, what were the messages you got from your family? Was it talked about was it not, because sometimes by not talking about it, we also get a message that you’re not supposed to talk about sex. And if you bring this up, that’s like, a bad thing. Or you’re gonna really be stirring the pot and kind of, you know, messing with the whole family dynamic, or the whole relationship dynamic. And then we have that fear, right? Because it threatens our sense of belonging. And we’re afraid of being rejected, which I talked about in episode two. So one amazing way that I want to share with you guys to address some of these thought patterns that maybe you kind of realize have outlived their usefulness, and are no longer really serving you is the self coaching model from The Life Coach School, and I’m not, you know, being paid to say this or anything, I am in their their membership program called scholars. And I will link to this in the show notes. But basically, what you do is look at what’s factual, versus what is my thought that I’m applying to that factual situation, because we tend to walk around believing our thoughts, as if they’re fact. So you might have thought, you know, a woman shouldn’t have more than five partners in her lifetime. And if she does, you know, that’s immoral, right? And you might be like, Oh, okay, I don’t really want to have that thought, anymore. I’m seeing how it’s, you know, double standard, or I’m seeing how it’s judgy, or whatever. So the idea is, you would then look at What feeling do I have when I think that thought and it might be I feel really judgmental? And then what do you do you know, when you have that judgmental feeling, and it might be, you know, I think about all the reasons the person shouldn’t be behaving, the way they’re behaving, and how I would do it different. And then it would kind of be like, Okay, well, when that’s what you’re doing, what results are you creating for yourself, and it might just be like, I’m kind of in this place of self righteousness, and I feel more distanced from the other person. And then you can see how that actually reinforces your original thought, right. So when we do these thought models, is actually very deep, or we’re actually seeing how we’re creating our reality with our thoughts. So I think I’ve mentioned this potentially in previous episodes, but I really want people to understand that, you know, this applies to your sex life, too. We have all these thoughts that might not be serving us, it could be as simple as I can’t bring sex up with my partner, it’s gonna get weird, right. And that’s not a fact. That’s a belief. And the more we have these beliefs, sometimes we try to just push past them with our actions. And we might be like, I’m going to talk to them anyways. But if our belief is so good, it’s gonna be really weird and create distance or a fight or something like that. Chances are, it will go poorly. So you can’t sort of out action, your thoughts and beliefs, because it impacts the energy that we’re putting out there. Right. And this I mean, this, I don’t want to get too off topic here. But this also goes for, you know, dating or improving your relationship. If you think you know, that my sex life is never going to improve, or I’m never going to find someone who’s sexually compatible. That is the reality that you’re creating. Even notice some of the thoughts about yourself. So do you have thoughts about you know, when my body should look a certain way in order to be quote unquote, sexy? If you have that one, go back to the How to be sexy episode. If you are into kink and BDSM Do you think like, oh, well, you know, people are gonna think that’s weird, or I’m not going to really be able to fully be myself. If I don’t, you know, meet someone who’s already experienced with that, then we’re creating our reality in that way. And so by doing these models, we’re really taking radical responsibility for what beliefs are still lingering, right? And then we can be become more intentional about it. So once you’ve kind of uncovered and you have this awareness of, oh, like, I see how my thoughts are creating my reality, I see how this is actually not the reality I want to be creating. And I was kind of doing this on accident. But now that I’m aware, I have an opportunity to be intentional about it. So what do I want to create? How do I want to be thinking? How do I want to feel? Right? I know, I’ve asked that question in previous episodes, too. How do I want to feel? And then how do I want to be showing up in terms of my behavior? Like, what I’m, what I’m doing, what I’m not doing, right? And then ultimately, what results Am I creating for myself? So regardless, I want to kind of leave you guys with a message of hope. So like, regardless of what you were taught, growing up, whatever kind of crap people put in your heads, you’re not stuck with it. And I think you know, what serving you and what’s not serving you in terms of your thoughts. You know, if the thought is, you know, well, I’m past a certain age, like, I’m just, you know, no longer sexual. That’s not factual. That’s a meetup thought, right. And so that, that the work between separating out fact from thought and so highly encourage you guys to do this, again, the resource is in the show notes. And in order to find the show notes, if you’re an apple podcasts, you might have to go to the little three dots on the podcast player, and then select that and then go, there’s a section that says go to episode. And then once you’re on the episode page, you just scroll down and the show notes are down there. And you’ll see all the links, and you can click right on the link and it’ll take you to the self coaching model. And they have a whole web page that explains how to do it. And then they actually have a little PDF you can print out to get some practice doing it. So check it out, practice some awareness in just get clear for now. And what do you want to unlearn? So thanks for joining and I will catch you guys next week. Are you feeling stuck or shameful and your sex life, you can have an authentic and pleasurable sex life and it doesn’t have to be a huge downer to figure it out. Through my holistic coaching program, you’ll become a pro at sexual communication. Get clear on what does it for you in the bedroom. Learn how to manage libido and become more confident and comfortable in your skin than ever before. Go to Heather shannon.co Again, that’s Heather shannon.co and click Apply to get started. I can’t wait to work with you
